GREEN 177 0 6287 34.99 KB 728

Dog Ear (Rewritten)

By ShockAndCringe
Created: 2026-10-03 05:36:52
Updated: 2026-10-06 06:48:03
anonocsafecomedywip/rgm/rewritten

  1. 1.
    "Here's your book back, Twiggles."
  2. 2.
    >"You're twenty five days, four hours, twenty seven minutes, and ten, no, make that twelve, seconds late."
  3. 3.
    "What can I say? It was a very enrapturing book."
  4. 4.
    >It wasn't.
  5. 5.
    >"Uh huh. I gave you three months to return the book, Anon. Three months. Do you know why I gave you three months to do so?"
  6. 6.
    "Enlighten me."
  7. 7.
    >"Because it took you an additional two, TWO, months to return the last one!"
  8. 8.
    "Oh."
  9. 9.
    >It wasn't like anybody was going to read it anyways.
  10. 10.
    >Plus, it was really fucking boring.
  11. 11.
    >"Oh? OH? Anon, that was the newest Daring Do book and I only had one copy of it because their printers were broken! Do you know how long ponies waited to read that book!?"
  12. 12.
    "Uhhh, three months?"
  13. 13.
    >"Get out."
  14. 14.
    "Will do."
  15. 15.
    >As you're leaving, you hear Twi make a strangled sound.
  16. 16.
    >Wondering if she's going to die or not (you really hope she does), you turn around only to see her staring at an open page in the book.
  17. 17.
    >Her eyes slowly peer up towards you with pupils the size of pinpricks.
  18. 18.
    >"Anon?"
  19. 19.
    "Yeah, Twigs?"
  20. 20.
    >She turns the book around to show you the page she was staring at.
  21. 21.
    >Nothing out of the ordinary.
  22. 22.
    >"D-did you do this?"
  23. 23.
    "Do what?"
  24. 24.
    >Slowly, a trembling hoof makes its way to the upper right corner of the right page.
  25. 25.
    >In the silence, a dull tap echoes when it makes contact with the aged page.
  26. 26.
    "Oh, a dog ear?"
  27. 27.
    >"A-anon?"
  28. 28.
    "Ok, fine, you got me there. I didn't read the entire book because it was shit, ok? I kinda sorta forgot it existed in my drawer until I lost my keys."
  29. 29.
    >She slowly, and almost reverently, puts the book down on a nearby table with her magic.
  30. 30.
    >"C-can you s-stay there for a- a moment?"
  31. 31.
    >A shell shocked Twilight starts to leave the room.
  32. 32.
    >You felt some heebie jeebies coming from Purple Smart when she said that so you decide the best course of action is to book it on outta there.
  33. 33.
    >Ha! 'Book it on out.'
  34. 34.
    >Get it?
  35. 35.
    >Because you're in a library?
  36. 36.
    >Anyways, you managed to make it home without any more interference from Book Pone.
  37. 37.
    >Your schedule was empty like usual so you decided to hit the market and grab some stuff for some pasta.
  38. 38.
    >Really, the only good book you managed to get from the library was that non-hay and non-flower cookbook.
  39. 39.
    >That one you didn't even check out.
  40. 40.
    >You know that that horn head knows its missing because about a week after you stole it, her mane was in a complete mess.
  41. 41.
    >For three days.
  42. 42.
    >She managed to replace it, so you now have a free book, which is awesome.
  43. 43.
    >Still hasn't found the culprit yet.
  44. 44.
    >Hehe.
  45. 45.
    >As you're finishing up your pasta with some of the illegal meat you get from that one guy in that one dark alleyway, someone starts to knock on your door.
  46. 46.
    >Huh, who could that be?
  47. 47.
    >You peer through a small crack in your curtains and see two mares wearing some gold armor.
  48. 48.
    >Aw shit, royal guard.
  49. 49.
    >Fuck, you hope they aren't here about your new tomato farm.
  50. 50.
    >Look, you weren't giving them to any ponies or anything like that, but it was still illegal because it was considered a type of poison.
  51. 51.
    >Hurr durr "you could be planning something nefarious!"
  52. 52.
    >You just want some pizza, man.
  53. 53.
    >Another knock.
  54. 54.
    >You quickly scurry back to the kitchen and cover your meat pasta with some paper, then place some towels on top of it and throw it in the fridge.
  55. 55.
    >You open the window to air out the smell, but it's not quite enough.
  56. 56.
    >Another knock.
  57. 57.
    >"We know you're home! We can hear you! Open the door!"
  58. 58.
    >Time to crack out plan B.
  59. 59.
    >Eventually, you open the door and try to nonchalantly lean on the door frame.
  60. 60.
    "Hiya ladies. What can I do you for?"
  61. 61.
    >"Is this the residence of Mr. Anonymous?"
  62. 62.
    "Uh, yes. Yes it is. Can I ask you why you're here?
  63. 63.
    >"Yes, we're here looking for a certain Mr. Anonymous?"
  64. 64.
    "Speaking."
  65. 65.
    >"Good, just making sure, because *we* don't want to get the wrong pony."
  66. 66.
    >The guardsmare gives her partner a look.
  67. 67.
    >"Shut up."
  68. 68.
    >"Anyways, we're here becau-"
  69. 69.
    >She sniffs the air, burrow furrowing.
  70. 70.
    >Her partner, looking at the mare, also sniffs the air.
  71. 71.
    >"...Is that Bouquet's newest scented candle?"
  72. 72.
    >"Oh my gosh, I think it is!"
  73. 73.
    >"Ohhhh wow, it smells so good!"
  74. 74.
    >"I love the vanilla! It's so fragrant! I've never smelled a vanilla like it before!"
  75. 75.
    >"I know, right? Though I think the hint of blueberry makes the entire thing."
  76. 76.
    >"It does, so much, and to think that this is an exclusive?"
  77. 77.
    >"Eeeeeeee! It's such a romantic scent!"
  78. 78.
    >"Hehe, yeah, it is..."
  79. 79.
    "Okay, I think I'll just, uh, go now."
  80. 80.
    >You slowly close the door, but when you're halfway there you're interrupted.
  81. 81.
    >"I swear, I'm just going to ge- wait, who said you could leave?"
  82. 82.
    >Goddamnit.
  83. 83.
    "It looked like you ladies were preoccupied for the moment."
  84. 84.
    >"Hmph, we were not."
  85. 85.
    >"You got that right."
  86. 86.
    >Hoof bump.
  87. 87.
    >Metal rear bump.
  88. 88.
    >Armored chest bump.
  89. 89.
    >Jeez louis.
  90. 90.
    >You resist the urge to roll your eyes at the sight.
  91. 91.
    "So you said something before you got distracted?"
  92. 92.
    >"I, uh said, uh, uhhh, oh, yes, since you're our pony, or uh whatever you are, we're going to bring you in."
  93. 93.
    "What!? Why?"
  94. 94.
    >She pulls out a scroll, unfurls it, and squints at the text on it.
  95. 95.
    >"It says here that you committed, ahem, 'Crimes Against Physical Media.'"
  96. 96.
    "Wait, what? I didn't do anything."
  97. 97.
    >"Well, this is on orders of Princess Twilight Sparkles."
  98. 98.
    >Fuck, is she really that pissed about a fucking book?
  99. 99.
    "Really? There's no way she's allowed to do that."
  100. 100.
    >"I dunno. It has an official seal on it."
  101. 101.
    "Lemme see it."
  102. 102.
    >"How do I know you're not gonna tear it up?"
  103. 103.
    "Will you still arrest me if I tear it up?"
  104. 104.
    >"Yes."
  105. 105.
    "So what's the worry?"
  106. 106.
    >"Ok fine, here."
  107. 107.
    >She hoofs you the scroll and you quickly read it.
  108. 108.
     
  109. 109.
    BY DECREE OF HER MAJESTY PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE,
  110. 110.
     
  111. 111.
    FOR CRIMES AGAINST PHYSICAL MEDIA, ANONYMOUS IS TO BE INCARCERATED FOR 100 YEARS BY THE TREEBARY CONVENTION, ARTICLE 1, SECTION 1, PARAGRAPH 1.
  112. 112.
     
  113. 113.
    >What the actual fuck.
  114. 114.
    >No way this is a law.
  115. 115.
    >"So yeah. Uhm. Sorry, I don't like this part, but it's part of the job, y'know? Anyways... GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HOOVES WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, SCUM!"
  116. 116.
    >The two immediately take up aggressive poses, spears at the ready.
  117. 117.
    >Think think think!
  118. 118.
    >You point wildly in some random direction.
  119. 119.
    "HOLY CRAP LOOK IT'S PRINCESS CELESTIA!"
  120. 120.
    >"What?"
  121. 121.
    >"Princess Celestia? Where?"
  122. 122.
    >You quickly shut the door on them when they're distracted.
  123. 123.
    >Lock 1, engage.
  124. 124.
    >Lock 2, engage.
  125. 125.
    >Chair to door, engage.
  126. 126.
    >BANG BANG BANG.
  127. 127.
    >"ANONYMOUS! OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT THIS SECOND!"
  128. 128.
    >Shitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuck.
  129. 129.
    >You start closing your windows and locking them as the banging intensifies by the seconds.
  130. 130.
    >Fuck, what furniture do you have?
  131. 131.
    >More chairs, a kitchen table, a couch, a lazy boy, shit, uh, uh-.
  132. 132.
    >The fridge!
  133. 133.
    >You start to push the fridge towards the door, but oh boy is it one heavy motherfucker.
  134. 134.
    >Then a smash as one of your windows by the door is broken open.
  135. 135.
    >"See?"
  136. 136.
    >"Fine. But I don't think damaging property is the right way to do it."
  137. 137.
    >"You were trying to smash a door in."
  138. 138.
    >"Shut up."
  139. 139.
    >Yellow light starts bouncing around in your living room as one of the guards starts to squirm her way in.
  140. 140.
    >"Ow! You didn't remove the glass!"
  141. 141.
    >"Well, sorry, I would have if you didn't immediately go for him!"
  142. 142.
    >"You could've at least warn-"
  143. 143.
    >The mare, stuck halfway between outside and your house, is kicked outside by your boot.
  144. 144.
    "Get the fuck out!"
  145. 145.
    >"-GAH!"
  146. 146.
    >"OHMYGOSH!"
  147. 147.
    >You close the curtain and continue to barricade your home.
  148. 148.
    >Couch to the window.
  149. 149.
    >There goes your back.
  150. 150.
    >Coffee table precariously balanced on the window sill.
  151. 151.
    >It was a gift from some gift horse but whatever.
  152. 152.
    >Friiiiiiiiiidge to the dooooooor!
  153. 153.
    >Ow bitch fuck your back fuck ow.
  154. 154.
    >More chairs!
  155. 155.
    >Feel the burn, biceps!
  156. 156.
    >Oh wait, you've got a shed.
  157. 157.
    >Fuck, you hope they haven't gotten around yet.
  158. 158.
    >There's still a commotion going on at your porch.
  159. 159.
    >You open your backdoor, quickly check your yard, and make a mad dash to your shed.
  160. 160.
    >You throw the door open and it's a fucking gold mine.
  161. 161.
    >A shit ton of wood, nails, hammers, saws, oh yeah.
  162. 162.
    >You totally forgot that you were gonna build that... uh, fuck, what was it?
  163. 163.
    >Well, you were gonna build something but you didn't so now you have a stash of building supplies rotting in your shed.
  164. 164.
    >In a single trip that would be the envy of grocery shoppers everywhere, you bring the materials into your house and shut the back door, locking it.
  165. 165.
    >There's no more banging on the front door, so you set to work reinforcing every entryway in your home.
  166. 166.
    >While working, you don't hear anything from outside.
  167. 167.
    >Those guards must've gone to get help or something.
  168. 168.
    >With that in mind, you hasten your work.
  169. 169.
    >By the time you've finished, you can see flashing lights creeping their way through cracks in your windows.
  170. 170.
    >Looking through them, it's like an entire army set up on your lawn.
  171. 171.
    >An entire sea of fucking gold.
  172. 172.
    >Fucking autistic book pone.
  173. 173.
    >One of the ponies with a big ass crest separates herself from the sea of guards.
  174. 174.
    >She puts a megaphone to her mouth.
  175. 175.
    >"ANONYMOUS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
  176. 176.
    >Uhh, how are you supposed to respond?
  177. 177.
    >The entire house has basically been converted to a bunker.
  178. 178.
    >Every open entryway has something blocking the outside from coming in.
  179. 179.
    >"IS THIS THING BROKEN? HELLO. TESTING, ONE TWO THREE."
  180. 180.
    >Ok, so maybe you can move the couch that's blocking that broken window a bit.
  181. 181.
    >"HELLO? ANONYMOUS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
  182. 182.
    "Uh, yes."
  183. 183.
    >"HELLOOOOOO? ANYBODY HOME?"
  184. 184.
    "Uh, YES!"
  185. 185.
    >"OH OK, GOOD, GOOD."
  186. 186.
    >She turns her head and speaks to somepony to her side, who immediately rushes off and quickly returns with something that looks like the gramophone.
  187. 187.
    >The guard sets it down next to the megaphone mare and resumes her post.
  188. 188.
    >"CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?"
  189. 189.
    "SAY WHAT!?"
  190. 190.
    >"NO, NOT THAT, SAY THAT FIRST THING YOU SAID TO ME."
  191. 191.
    "YES!?"
  192. 192.
    >"THAT, BUT LIKE HOW YOU SAID IT THE FIRST TIME."
  193. 193.
    "Uh, YES!?"
  194. 194.
    >"SPEAK IT LIKE YOU WOULD NORMALLY!"
  195. 195.
    "Yes?"
  196. 196.
    >"NICE. OK. I CAN HEAR YOU LIKE THAT."
  197. 197.
    >So that thing must be some sort of amplifier.
  198. 198.
    >"ANYWAYS, WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED, ANONYMOUS. COME WITH YOUR HOOVES UP AND WE'LL- WHAT? THEY'RE CALLED HANDS? DOES IT REALLY MATTER? OK, FINE."
  199. 199.
    >She clears her throat, very loudly, all while still using the megaphone.
  200. 200.
    >"ANONYMOUS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED."
  201. 201.
    "Are you gonna arrest me?"
  202. 202.
    >"IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION? OF COURSE WE ARE! THERE IS A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST."
  203. 203.
    "Then I'm not coming out."
  204. 204.
    >"ANONYMOUS, IF YOU DON'T COMPLY IT'S ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR YOU ONCE WE BRING YOU IN."
  205. 205.
    "Goddamn retarded Twilight sentenced me to 100 years in jail! I'll die in there!"
  206. 206.
    >"WELL, YES, BUT AT LEAST IT ISN'T 200 YEARS."
  207. 207.
    "That's still my entire life! I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in jail!"
  208. 208.
    >"WELL I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT. ANONYMOUS, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. COME OUT PEACEFULLY OR WE WILL USE FORCE. MAYBE EVEN DEADLY FORCE."
  209. 209.
    "Fuck you! I'm not going anywhere. I'd rather die here than in some dungeon!"
  210. 210.
    >"HAVE IT YOUR WAY."
  211. 211.
    >The mare turns around and melts back into the crowd of gold.
  212. 212.
    >Aw fuck, they're gonna send the equivalent of SWAT to your door.
  213. 213.
    >You take a gander at the living room.
  214. 214.
    >Ok, no easy entry into here, but what if they decide to go upstairs?
  215. 215.
    >Damn.
  216. 216.
    >So many options.
  217. 217.
    >Taking a look outside, it looks pretty normal.
  218. 218.
    >Asides from the hordes of royal guard, nothing in their behavior seems to have changed.
  219. 219.
    >So you still have time to do something.
  220. 220.
    >Probably not much.
  221. 221.
    >What to do?
  222. 222.
    >...
  223. 223.
    >You are Blazing Passion and you have just told that good for nothing monkey that you were going to take him the hard way.
  224. 224.
    >Blasted criminals.
  225. 225.
    >Always making things hard for you, even though it always ends in their arrest.
  226. 226.
    >Even worse, this one assaulted one of your guards.
  227. 227.
    >One of yours!
  228. 228.
    >Prudent was rushed in to a hospital by her partner, Escapade.
  229. 229.
    >She was bleeding and bruised.
  230. 230.
    >When Escapade was asked what happened, she only said "Anonymous" through tears.
  231. 231.
    >Nopony ever lays a hoof on your ponies.
  232. 232.
    >That means no pony or creature.
  233. 233.
    >You would have given him more chances, but since he injured one of your guards, you put down an ultimatum almost immediately.
  234. 234.
    >Fortunately, it seems that he is too dense to take the easy way out and now you get a little bit of justice before he's thrown in the dungeons.
  235. 235.
    >You march back to your operations tent.
  236. 236.
    >The two guards posted outside salute you, one of them holding the flap open to let you in.
  237. 237.
    >Inside, you are greeted by your entry team.
  238. 238.
    >A squad of six guards, two from each tribe.
  239. 239.
    >They're substantially more armored than the regulars, having chain mail underneath their full plate armor covering them from neck to hoof.
  240. 240.
    >On their heads is a unique helmet that features an armored visor for close range combat.
  241. 241.
    "Gentlemares."
  242. 242.
    >Nods from each of them.
  243. 243.
    "It appears the situation has deteriorated. I'm sending you in to take that human, am I clear?"
  244. 244.
    >They echo together:
  245. 245.
    >"Yes, ma'am!"
  246. 246.
    "Good, now, what's the plan, Game Plan?"
  247. 247.
    >In the middle of the tent is a blueprint of the house, a larger than average two story dwelling, and a scale model of said building.
  248. 248.
    >Everypony in the room huddles around it as Game Plan points to various sketches and photographs on the paper.
  249. 249.
    >"I propose we enter through the western side, as it has a window that's only blocked by what we can see as three chairs haphazardly stacked on each other."
  250. 250.
    >She points at the model with the six different color figures, each representing the members of the entry team.
  251. 251.
    >The figures are stacked next to the wall near the window.
  252. 252.
    >"I'll use my magic to blast the window open and push the chairs down."
  253. 253.
    >The second story of the house is removed to reveal a well decorated interior.
  254. 254.
    >You give a small whistle of approval as you stare at the model.
  255. 255.
    "Is that a refrigerator blocking the door?"
  256. 256.
    >"Yes ma'am. Based off of intel, this model should be 80% accurate."
  257. 257.
    "Excellent work."
  258. 258.
    >"You should be thanking Careful Eye over there."
  259. 259.
    >A hoof points at an earth pony, who blushes and hides her face behind her mane.
  260. 260.
    >"It's nothing..."
  261. 261.
    "Incredible job, Careful! I think this a wonderful addition!"
  262. 262.
    >"It's an important piece to ensure this operation goes smoothly."
  263. 263.
    >Her blush deepens and she shrinks even more.
  264. 264.
    >"Aw, you mares..."
  265. 265.
    >"Anyways, once we break and get through the window, we will search the ground floor first for him, and if he's not there, we will ascend the stairs to the second floor and clear it out."
  266. 266.
    >She moves the figures around the first floor aimlessly with her magic, then pops open the roof on the second floor to show the floor plan.
  267. 267.
    >It's aptly decorated with a bedroom and bathroom, and a green human figure is included inside the bedroom.
  268. 268.
    "I see. You may continue."
  269. 269.
    >"We assume that Anonymous will be cowering in his bedroom, so once we reach it, we will expect contact. With the six of us, we can easily take him. I can use a flash spell to disorientate him, and the rest will disarm and detain him. Silver will hit him with a stun spell and then charge up a lethal spell in case anything goes awry."
  270. 270.
    "It seems that you mares have everything down here. When can you go?"
  271. 271.
    >"We can go now."
  272. 272.
    >A small smile spreads across your face.
  273. 273.
    "Then you know what to do."
  274. 274.
    >"Yes, ma'am!"
  275. 275.
    >You all exit the tent to briefly stroll to the front.
  276. 276.
    >Ponies in gold and darksteel make way for the seven of you.
  277. 277.
    >Solemn looks and nods are given on both sides.
  278. 278.
    >Reaching the front, you take your seat on your hoofchair as the operation begins.
  279. 279.
    >The six mares begin their arduous trek to the house as everypony watches on.
  280. 280.
    "Coffee."
  281. 281.
    >A hot cup of coffee is placed, with a coaster, on the hoofrest.
  282. 282.
    >You idly pick it up and take a long sip.
  283. 283.
    >Black, just the way you like it.
  284. 284.
    >You settle down deeper into the seat as the burning heat of the liquid slides down your throat and deposits itself into your belly.
  285. 285.
    "Binoculars."
  286. 286.
    >A pair are placed in your open hoof.
  287. 287.
    >You can see the mares approaching the side of the building, with Anonymous nowhere in sight.
  288. 288.
    >Eyeing the windows you can see no movement behind them, so he must be cowering somewhere.
  289. 289.
    >Average, for a criminal.
  290. 290.
    >They all nod to each other and pull down their helmet's visor.
  291. 291.
    >A loud smash is heard when Game breaks the window.
  292. 292.
    >It is followed by a bang as she throws in a stun spell into the building.
  293. 293.
    >"Go!"
  294. 294.
    >Oh right, your amplifier is still here.
  295. 295.
    >Good thing your assistant knows how to point it.
  296. 296.
    >One of the ponies goes through and the rest shortly thereafter.
  297. 297.
    >Now, all you can do is wait.
  298. 298.
    >You're about to take another sip of coffee when a bang goes off.
  299. 299.
    >Then another.
  300. 300.
    >And another.
  301. 301.
    >A brilliant flash of red light exploding through the holes of the house makes you sit upright.
  302. 302.
    >A lethal spell.
  303. 303.
    >Well, that's one problem solved.
  304. 304.
    >You're about to call out to everypony when a disturbing sight hits you.
  305. 305.
    >Five mares, armors dented and staggering, burst through the window they entered.
  306. 306.
    >The crowd gasps.
  307. 307.
    >You point to a hooffull of guards.
  308. 308.
    "Go help them!"
  309. 309.
    >Without a word, they rush off to help their comrades.
  310. 310.
    >Nothing notable happens when they safely bring the injured ponies back, thank Celestia.
  311. 311.
    >You can recognize Game Plan among them.
  312. 312.
    >You hop off your hoofchair and grab Game's head between your hooves.
  313. 313.
    "What happened!?"
  314. 314.
    >A trembling hoof slowly pushes the visor up to reveal a disheveled Game.
  315. 315.
    >"A-an am-ambush."
  316. 316.
    >She can't look you in the eye.
  317. 317.
    >"H-he was ready for u-us. W-we tried st-stopping him, b-b-but he wa-was too strong."
  318. 318.
    >Tears splat the ground.
  319. 319.
    >You pull her in for a hug instead of an interrogative head hold.
  320. 320.
    >Ok so it's metal on metal, a little cumbersome, but it's the thought that counts.
  321. 321.
    >"T-then, ohh nooo!"
  322. 322.
    >Her sobbing intensifies as you feebly pat her armored back.
  323. 323.
    >Mare, this armor really makes it hard to comfort anypony.
  324. 324.
    >You motion your assistant to go get some hot chocolate and a blanket.
  325. 325.
    >When the sobbing stops, she takes a thankful drink of hot chocolate.
  326. 326.
    "Can you talk now? We need to know what happened."
  327. 327.
    >"He- he attacked us! S-silver saw how da-dangerous it was and- and she... she... used a laser s-spell."
  328. 328.
    >Ok, that's good, right?
  329. 329.
    >"Then, then he- he bounced it!"
  330. 330.
    >Oh no.
  331. 331.
    >"It hit Tight Knot!"
  332. 332.
    >Once again she breaks into tears.
  333. 333.
    >You have to do something.
  334. 334.
    >You give her some more pats on the back and slowly hoof her off to your assistant.
  335. 335.
    "Take good care of her, you hear me?"
  336. 336.
    >"Yes, ma'am."
  337. 337.
    >With that taken care of, you make haste to your operations tent.
  338. 338.
    >Somepony, or more exactly somecreature, is going to pay!
  339. 339.
     
  340. 340.
    >Well, holy fuck.
  341. 341.
    >That was something.
  342. 342.
    >You were prepping the last of your preparations when they smashed the fuck outta your window downstairs.
  343. 343.
    >Kinda your fault for leaving a few chairs to block it.
  344. 344.
    >Something akin to a stun grenade exploded in your living room, but luckily you were upstairs at the time.
  345. 345.
    >When they got through, you managed to hold them off by throwing a bunch of pots and pans you scrounged from the kitchen down the stairs.
  346. 346.
    >Against spears and swords, it worked surprisingly well.
  347. 347.
    >One of them tried using some sort of spell against you, but you were faster than them.
  348. 348.
    >Mr. Dutch Oven came in a flying, smacking that gray unicorn in the head when she let loose with a laser beam.
  349. 349.
    >Thing almost blinded you permanently.
  350. 350.
    >You will miss that half of the fridge.
  351. 351.
    >And Mr. Dutch Oven will get full honors at his funeral.
  352. 352.
    >But that would've killed you.
  353. 353.
    >They're trying to fucking kill you!
  354. 354.
    >You also managed to knock one out in your blind flurry of pots and pans before the rest escaped.
  355. 355.
    >It was really fucking close, since you were on your last cast iron skillet and were about to toss your utensils at them.
  356. 356.
    >Now you have a hog tied pony on your bed.
  357. 357.
    >Minus the armor.
  358. 358.
    >Good thing she was carrying rope on her.
  359. 359.
    >They were probably going to use it to take you in, but now the turn tables have turned.
  360. 360.
    >She hasn't woken up yet, so you go down to your kitchen and grab a glass of water.
  361. 361.
    >You also sift through the ruined remains of your fridge and manage to salvage your dinner plus a few beers.
  362. 362.
    >At least something about this day is going right.
  363. 363.
    >Taking a look outside, you see no movement in the immediate vicinity of your house.
  364. 364.
    >Still a lot of ponies out there, though.
  365. 365.
    >They're gonna be mighty pissed that you took one of theirs.
  366. 366.
    >Your end is probably nigh.
  367. 367.
    >Or neigh, as they would say it.
  368. 368.
    >Fucking horse puns.
  369. 369.
    >Welp, this is still better than rotting away in some fucking dungeon.
  370. 370.
    >Why did Celestia even think that she would make a good alicorn?
  371. 371.
    >Fucking hell.
  372. 372.
    >You take a large swig of your alcohol and unveil your dinner: cold pasta.
  373. 373.
    >Kinda shit for a last meal.
  374. 374.
    >You start chewing on the meal while downing your alcohol in silence.
  375. 375.
    >Well, it doesn't have to be in silence.
  376. 376.
    >You brought that water for a good reason.
  377. 377.
    >You get up from your seat and walk to the pony, then bonk her on the head with the base of the cup.
  378. 378.
    >Dink.
  379. 379.
    >"Ow! Ughhhhh..."
  380. 380.
    "Hi."
  381. 381.
    >"uuughhhhhh..."
  382. 382.
    >Dink.
  383. 383.
    >"Ow! I'm awake, I'm awake!"
  384. 384.
    >Her eyes look up to your and widen at realization.
  385. 385.
    >So begins her struggle.
  386. 386.
    >It's fruitless.
  387. 387.
    >You have to admit, you did a banging job on the rope.
  388. 388.
    >She goes still after realizing the futility of her actions, and big worried eyes look up at you.
  389. 389.
    "Hello there."
  390. 390.
    >Her eyes move down to the rope.
  391. 391.
    "That's for my safety, ok? I'm not the one barging into peoples' homes trying to kill them."
  392. 392.
    >"Well, I'm not the one throwing pans at ponies."
  393. 393.
    >Woah.
  394. 394.
    >You were not expecting her to speak back like that.
  395. 395.
    >And what the fuck is this voice?
  396. 396.
    >Low and sultry???
  397. 397.
    >It's like, really, really off putting coming from a pony.
  398. 398.
    "How does that make sense? You're literally trying to kill me!"
  399. 399.
    >"And? I'm not breaking the law, criminal."
  400. 400.
    "I'm not a fucking criminal!"
  401. 401.
    >"The law says otherwise."
  402. 402.
    >You know what?
  403. 403.
    >Maybe you are, just this once.
  404. 404.
    "If you haven't noticed, I'm the one who's not tied up here."
  405. 405.
    >"So you think you have leverage on me."
  406. 406.
    "Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure I do."
  407. 407.
    >She smirks.
  408. 408.
    >"Ok, Mr. Leverage, show me what you can do, then."
  409. 409.
    >What.
  410. 410.
    >"Oh, you can't? That's what I thought."
  411. 411.
    >This bitch.
  412. 412.
    >You-
  413. 413.
    >Uh, shit, what do you do?
  414. 414.
    >"I'm waiting..."
  415. 415.
    >You know!
  416. 416.
    >You'll show her the might of MAN.
  417. 417.
    >You grab her by the throat and push her down onto your bed.
  418. 418.
    >She messed with the wrong-
  419. 419.
    >"Oh~ ho~ ho~ now what do you think you're doing?"
  420. 420.
    >FUCK NOW SHE'S MAKING IT WEIRD.
  421. 421.
    >You instantly let go.
  422. 422.
    >"Awwww~ can't find any courage?"
  423. 423.
    "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
  424. 424.
    >"Nothing, unlike you, naughty~"
  425. 425.
    >FUCK
  426. 426.
    >Plan B: now!
  427. 427.
    >You, uh- uh, splash her with a cup of water, ha!
  428. 428.
    >"Gah-! Really? Water?"
  429. 429.
    "Yeah, now your mane is wet and shit! Take that!"
  430. 430.
    >She stares at you.
  431. 431.
    "What?"
  432. 432.
    >She continues staring at you.
  433. 433.
    "Tell me what I want to know or I'll splash you again!"
  434. 434.
    >Her eyes roll.
  435. 435.
    >"You're terrible at this."
  436. 436.
    >Goddamnit you don't know what to do.
  437. 437.
    >At least you don't need this glass anymore.
  438. 438.
    >You toss it to the floor because what's the point of keeping your house clean anymore?
  439. 439.
    >Might as well eat while thinking.
  440. 440.
    >You plop down in your chair and start to finish your pasta when she raises her voice.
  441. 441.
    >"...is that /meat/?"
  442. 442.
    "Yeah, sho?"
  443. 443.
    >"*Hurk-!* Please put that away."
  444. 444.
    "And if I don't?"
  445. 445.
    >"Look, I- *urk-!* I'll let you know what you want, ok? *hurk-!*"
  446. 446.
    >Well well well.
  447. 447.
    >You do want to finish eating because you're pretty hungry, so you go and grab those candles.
  448. 448.
    >You light them and place them near her.
  449. 449.
    "Better?"
  450. 450.
    >"Muchhhhh~"
  451. 451.
    >Your eyes narrow.
  452. 452.
    >She's so fucking weird.
  453. 453.
    >"Where'd you get Bouquet's candles?"
  454. 454.
    "Who?"
  455. 455.
    >"...Bouquet? The best perfumer to exist?"
  456. 456.
    "Cares."
  457. 457.
    >"I- ...whatever. Ask your questions."
  458. 458.
    >Now time to get some juicy information out of this.
  459. 459.
    "How many of you guys are out there?"
  460. 460.
    >"About 100."
  461. 461.
    "Bullshit."
  462. 462.
    >"It's true."
  463. 463.
    >Fuck.
  464. 464.
    "So what, I'm stuck here?"
  465. 465.
    >"Pretty much. You should surrender."
  466. 466.
    "Fuck that. You know I'm getting life in prison, right?"
  467. 467.
    >"And?"
  468. 468.
    "And? It's a pretty big deal to me."
  469. 469.
    >"It's inevitable. You'll be caught, you know."
  470. 470.
    "Is that why you cunts tried erasing me with that death lazar?"
  471. 471.
    >"You were attacking us."
  472. 472.
    "I was defending myself from tyranny!"
  473. 473.
    >"Don't use that word."
  474. 474.
    "What, tyranny?"
  475. 475.
    >"Yes, don't use it."
  476. 476.
    "Why can't I say tyranny?"
  477. 477.
    >"Because that's heresy."
  478. 478.
    "That's dumb."
  479. 479.
    >"It's not. You are, though."
  480. 480.
    >Bitch.
  481. 481.
    >It's still dumb.
  482. 482.
    >But you should really turn back to actual important matters.
  483. 483.
    "So how is this thing set up? Are you guys just going to wait me out now?"
  484. 484.
    >She shrugs.
  485. 485.
    >Or something like that.
  486. 486.
    >You can't really tell because she's all bound up.
  487. 487.
    >"Probably. This is the first time a raid team has been... defeated."
  488. 488.
    "Ha. Get rekt."
  489. 489.
    >"It would do you good to know that you're the one that's going to get 'wrecked.'"
  490. 490.
    >You're about to tell her to fuck off when you hear an ungodly noise outside and look through the boards covering your window.
  491. 491.
    >What you see is very, very concerning.
  492. 492.
    >It appears that you having a mare has caused the entirety of the Equestrian Army to descend upon your lowly abode.
  493. 493.
    >Like, holy-shit-they're-getting-close-really-fucking-fast-oooohhhhHHHHHHH-SHIT!
  494. 494.
    >You hear windows shattering downstairs as the first few ponies make contact.
  495. 495.
    >A shit ton of banging too, honestly.
  496. 496.
    >It's like they're trying to tear down your entire house.
  497. 497.
    >Oh god, they better not be doing that.
  498. 498.
    >You open your door and decide to make your Alamo at the top of the stairs.
  499. 499.
    >Hopefully they don't come through the upper windows.
  500. 500.
    >It's like a zombies mission, except the zombies are ponies and your current weapons are pots and pans.
  501. 501.
    >Oh and a spear or two from that failed raid.
  502. 502.
    >You aren't going to really use it to poke them.
  503. 503.
    >They're too damned cute.
  504. 504.
    >But that's for future Anon to decide.
  505. 505.
    >You can hear a lot of heavy metal on wood echoing around in your living room.
  506. 506.
    >"There he is!"
  507. 507.
    >After a pregnant pause, a bunch of colors, dominated by gold, start clambering up your stairs.
  508. 508.
    >"Get him!"
  509. 509.
    "Oh no you don't!"
  510. 510.
    >Pan after pan after pot after pan after spatula after skillet is tossed down the stairs to an applause of "ow!", "hey!", and other injury related noises.
  511. 511.
    >A bit over halfway through you ammunition, you notice that the amount of bodies on your stairs has caused some what of a traffic jam, as the ponies are quite stuck now, with the occasional groan.
  512. 512.
    >You're about to donk a pony who's still moving a bit more than the others when you hear glass shattering.
  513. 513.
    >It's not from downstairs.
  514. 514.
    >"Tight Knot!?"
  515. 515.
    >That's from your bedroom!
  516. 516.
    >"Wha-?"
  517. 517.
    >"Oh, Tight! We thought you were gone!"
  518. 518.
    >You turn to go back to your room, not before tossing a pot and spoon down to that pony.
  519. 519.
    >"C-can't buh-breath!"
  520. 520.
    >"Oop! Sorry!"
  521. 521.
    >"You better be."
  522. 522.
    >"...do you want to be rescued or not?"
  523. 523.
    >"Do you want to untie me?"
  524. 524.
    >"You know, I would leave you here with him but I've got orders from Blazing."
  525. 525.
    >Shit, you forgot to grab some kitchenware.
  526. 526.
    >"Good. Now get me out."
  527. 527.
    >Should you go back for them?
  528. 528.
    >"Not with that attitude."
  529. 529.
    >Naw, ain't nobody got time for dat.
  530. 530.
    >"My attitude? You've got your orders."
  531. 531.
    >"Yeah, and he's probably been arrested with the rush we did!"
  532. 532.
    >You almost reach the room when something tackles your lower legs.
  533. 533.
    >"And? Get me untied."
  534. 534.
    >"I should just leave you."
  535. 535.
    >"Untie me."
  536. 536.
    >Damnit, one managed to escape the crush on the stairs.
  537. 537.
    >"These are pretty hard to undo."
  538. 538.
    >"I can tell."
  539. 539.
    >You crawl back to your cookware stash with the parasite still leeched onto your leg.
  540. 540.
    >"I'm not sure I can undo them with hooves."
  541. 541.
    >"Great."
  542. 542.
    >Bonk.
  543. 543.
    >"You know, I'm trying."
  544. 544.
    >"Look, loop that end over there first."
  545. 545.
    >"Uh-huh."
  546. 546.
    >You jump into the room to see a pegasus messing about with the rope.
  547. 547.
    >You're about to get the drop on her when Tight Knot makes a sound, staring right at you.
  548. 548.
    >The pegasus turns around and sees you.
  549. 549.
    "OOF!"
  550. 550.
    >And immediately tackles you.
  551. 551.
    >She puts a little too much power into it, causing you to end up on top of her after a few rolls.
  552. 552.
    >"Oops?"
  553. 553.
    >See, now you don't know what to do.
  554. 554.
    >Sure, you've thrown pots and pans at ponies, knocking one, or even a few out.
  555. 555.
    >But this is different.
  556. 556.
    >You're completely dominating a pony.
  557. 557.
    >And you don't have any pots and pans.
  558. 558.
    >In lieu of your action, you get knocked off the mare by two other pegasi.
  559. 559.
    >Somehow, someway, you manage to stay on your feet to stare down the new contenders.
  560. 560.
    >Oh shit.
  561. 561.
    >They've got spears.
  562. 562.
    >Both pointed at you.
  563. 563.
    >"Don't you move."
  564. 564.
    >They take a step forward.
  565. 565.
    >You take one back.
  566. 566.
    >"I said, don't move!"
  567. 567.
    >They take another step forward.
  568. 568.
    >You take one back.
  569. 569.
    >"One more step, and I'll spear ya."
  570. 570.
    >They continue forward.
  571. 571.
    >You-
  572. 572.
    "WOOOOAAAAH!"
  573. 573.
    >-trip on that glass you tossed!
  574. 574.
    >You flail wildly as your ass makes course for the ground.
  575. 575.
    >In your panic, your legs make contact with two oddly cylindrical things.
  576. 576.
    >Whump!
  577. 577.
    >Recovering, ass still on the ground, you see that the somethings were the spears they're holding onto, as those are sticking from the ceiling.
  578. 578.
    >"Uh-?"
  579. 579.
    >They stare at the spears, mouths agape.
  580. 580.
    >That mare you straddled earlier, face red and mane a mess, barks at the two dumbfounded ponies.
  581. 581.
    >"What are you standing there for? Get him!"
  582. 582.
    "Woah woah hang on here-!"
  583. 583.
    >You barely manage to scramble out of the way when they both jump for you.
  584. 584.
    >You grab onto your desk for some leverage to get up, but apparently, your desk decides to fail at the exact moment, the top breaking off as one piece.
  585. 585.
    >As you place your hand on the corner, it pops out, spinning wildly in the air.
  586. 586.
    >The sudden loss of leverage sends you careening to the floor, again.
  587. 587.
    >On your way down, you hear a savage thud, and then a smack?
  588. 588.
    >Getting up on two, you see that that previously red faced mare had propelled herself into the desk top trying to tackle you.
  589. 589.
    >Yowch, face first.
  590. 590.
    >"Eow! Myuh myuzzuhl!"
  591. 591.
    >You just got that desk last week!
  592. 592.
    >Now it's broken!
  593. 593.
    >Whoever sold you it is really gonna get it.
  594. 594.
    >After all this is over.
  595. 595.
    >You hang your head in sadness.
  596. 596.
    >If you manage to not get jailed for the rest of your life.
  597. 597.
    >Sigh.
  598. 598.
    >You feel a breeze on the back of your head.
  599. 599.
    >A strong breeze.
  600. 600.
    >Probably from your window.
  601. 601.
    >Fuck.
  602. 602.
    >They busted that too.
  603. 603.
    >"Blegh!"
  604. 604.
    >"Uha!"
  605. 605.
    >You look up and quickly realize that it was actually not a breeze.
  606. 606.
    >In fact, it was a pony that lunged for your head, only to miss because of a sudden head drop.
  607. 607.
    >That pony smashed directly into our poor, injured, nose bloodied ex-rescuer.
  608. 608.
    >Huh.
  609. 609.
    >Kinda convenient.
  610. 610.
    >Man, you should really go get your pots and pans while this is all going on.
  611. 611.
    >You turn on your heels, pointing yourself for your door.
  612. 612.
    >And-holy-shit-that-was-a-spear-that-just missed-you!
  613. 613.
    "Holy shit!"
  614. 614.
    >You quickly jump back, flailing your arms wildly, avoiding the next stab that barely misses you.
  615. 615.
    >Another quick jab that is blocked by trusty mister going crazy arm.
  616. 616.
    "H-hey, let's not get too crazy here!"
  617. 617.
    >The only answer is a grunt and a spear.
  618. 618.
    >Shit shit shit shit!
  619. 619.
    >You make a mad dash for the door, only to trip on the glass, again.
  620. 620.
    >You reach out for purchase and find some!
  621. 621.
    >That purchase quickly detaches itself from the ceiling, leaving you on the floor.
  622. 622.
    >With a spear, baby!
  623. 623.
    >You flop over to your back and point that sucker right at that mare who's literally trying to kill you.
  624. 624.
    >The moment she sees it, she freezes in place, eyes widening.
  625. 625.
    >Her mouth moves wordlessly for a bit.
  626. 626.
    >Then:
  627. 627.
    >"HE'S GOT A DEADLY WEAPON!"
  628. 628.
    >Annnnnnd she's gone out the window.
  629. 629.
    >The other non-tied up, non-nose bloodied pony grabs the bloody nose mare she was profusely apologizing to and darts too.
  630. 630.
    >From outside your room you can hear clambering and clattering as the ponies shout "RETREAT!" over and over and over again.
  631. 631.
    >In less than a minute, your house is completely empty, save for you and Tight.
  632. 632.
    >You look to Tight, your face asking, 'did that really just happen?'
  633. 633.
    >"Wow. That just happened."
  634. 634.
    "Yeah, I can't believe it too."
  635. 635.
    >Her smirk is long gone.
  636. 636.
    >Ha-ha!
  637. 637.
    >It's instead replaced with a look.
  638. 638.
    >You don't like that.
  639. 639.
    >"I guess you are pretty strong, hm~?"
  640. 640.
    >Not one bit.
  641. 641.
    >"Able to defeat three pegasi by himself~"
  642. 642.
    >Nope.
  643. 643.
    >"Good at tying rope too~"
  644. 644.
    "You know what?"
  645. 645.
    >"Hm?"
  646. 646.
    >You grab a piece of rope and approach her.
  647. 647.
    >"Oh~~~ well look at- mmffff!"
  648. 648.
    >There we go, one tied up and gagged weirdo.
  649. 649.
    >She thrashes around for a second before stopping to stare at you.
  650. 650.
    >And flutter her lashes at you.
  651. 651.
    >"Mmm nmm mmm nhmmm mmm~~"
  652. 652.
    >Maybe you should have let them take her.
  653. 653.
    >Fuck, what are you going to do?
  654. 654.
    >...
  655. 655.
    >You are Blazing Passion.
  656. 656.
    >And you've just received good and bad news.
  657. 657.
    >Good news: Tight Knot is still alive!
  658. 658.
    >Bad news: she's Anonymous's hostage.
  659. 659.
    >Somehow, he managed to hold off your entire unit when they went in.
  660. 660.
    >Note to self: research pots and pans as a possible replacement for spears and swords.
  661. 661.
    >And since he has spears, who knows what that madpony would do if you were to try to take him again.
  662. 662.
    >He could hurt one of your ponies, or worse...
  663. 663.
    >No, you've never lost a pony before and you never will!
  664. 664.
    >It's just that he's got one of yours at his mercy.
  665. 665.
    >Arggggh!
  666. 666.
    >"Ma'am?"
  667. 667.
    >You shoot your assistant a death glare, but she stands tall.
  668. 668.
    >"You should really work on getting Tight out."
  669. 669.
    "I KNOW that! And I am WORKING on it!"
  670. 670.
    >Her quill scribbles something on her little annoying clipboard.
  671. 671.
    >You really want to smash and burn it.
  672. 672.
    >Think, Blazing, think!
  673. 673.
    >No, not that.
  674. 674.
    >Anything but that.
  675. 675.
    >Especially with this... this civilian next to you!
  676. 676.
    >You could, uh, starve him out!
  677. 677.
    >Yes, that can work!
  678. 678.
    >It's just that he'll probably use Tight Knot to his advantage, and draw concessions out of you.
  679. 679.
    >Or worse, eat her!
  680. 680.
    >You read his profile, he's an omnivore!
  681. 681.
    >Darn it!
  682. 682.
    >Maybe you can use a unicorn to blast him from afar.
  683. 683.
    >Yes.
  684. 684.
    >Yes! That can work!
  685. 685.
    >You'll turn that good for nothing creature into nothing but a pile of ash!
  686. 686.
    >You barge out of your tent to look for Sharp Shot.
  687. 687.
    >Where is she?
  688. 688.
    >You take a good minute looking around for her, but she's not anywhere to be found.
  689. 689.
    >Did that good for nothing lazy unicorn not show up!?
  690. 690.
    >Come to think of it, there seems to be less ponies here than when the failed operation started.
  691. 691.
    >You snap your head towards your assistant.
  692. 692.
    "Where is Sharp Shot!?"
  693. 693.
    >"In the medical tent, ma'am."
  694. 694.
    >You quickly make your way to the tent with the big red crosses and flip open the flap.
  695. 695.
    >What you see makes you stop cold.
  696. 696.
    >So many ponies...
  697. 697.
    >TO TARTARUS WITH YOU, ANONYMOUS!
  698. 698.
    >"This will go on the report, you know."
  699. 699.
    "I KNOW!"
  700. 700.
    >This is what happens when civilians are put into positions to """audit""" you.
  701. 701.
    >Pesky annoyances who are only there to make your job harder than it is!
  702. 702.
    "Those pots and pans did a bigger number on them than I thought..."
  703. 703.
    >You spot Sharp Shot in a corner and march up to her.
  704. 704.
    "Sharp, are you alright?"
  705. 705.
    >She grins, then winces, but still holds the smile.
  706. 706.
    >"I am, chief. Got hit on the horn by a braiser pan. Hurts like Tartarus."
  707. 707.
    "I'm guessing you can't send our creature a little gift, then?"
  708. 708.
    >"I wish, chief. I wish."
  709. 709.
    "How long are you going to be out?"
  710. 710.
    >She frowns.
  711. 711.
    >"Doc said a few days, at the least. Can't use my horn or else it'll make me go crazy with pain."
  712. 712.
    >You pat her on the leg.
  713. 713.
    "Take it easy, you hear me?"
  714. 714.
    >"I will chief, I will."
  715. 715.
    >You turn from her bed to look at the rest of your injured ponies.
  716. 716.
    >Looks like you've got some work cut out for you.
  717. 717.
    >...
  718. 718.
    >After giving everypony your best wishes, you returned to your tent to contemplate on what to do.
  719. 719.
    >You thought for a little more, drank a little more coffee — it is getting late — and drew up a few plans.
  720. 720.
    >That was three minutes ago.
  721. 721.
    >You audibly groan.
  722. 722.
    >You clench your teeth at what's to come.
  723. 723.
    >You can do this.
  724. 724.
    >You'll only have to deal with her for a few hours, hopefully.
  725. 725.
    >You slowly inhale.
  726. 726.
    >Exhale.
  727. 727.
    >Inhale.
  728. 728.
    "BRING OUT THE NEIGHGOTIATOR!"

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