Bit of a departure from the Anonstallion stories; something featuring the big green monkey man instead. Taking a bit of the piss out of the human pet stories that were popular a few years back: I'm striking while the iron's ice-cold, motherfuckers!

Part One:
>It's another sunny day in Ponyville
>Probably
>You've been stuck inside for the past week or so
>Anon Y. Mous, resident human
>Resident of the library, at any rate
>You lucked out and after an incident involving a carelessly dropped banana peel and a flight of stairs, landed in your dream Afterlife:
>Equestria!
>Though clearly all those foalcon threads you tugged your meat over ensured that your destination wasn't quite perfect
>For one, you didn't arrive early enough to slap Starswirl's spell out of Twilight's hooves and prevent Twilicorn
>For two, you're not the only human in Equestria
>Fucking far from it, chief
>Though your compatriots seem more on the level of one of Fluttershy's critter friends than contemporaries
>Fuckers can't even talk, mostly just stare at you with glassy eyes
>That's a real low bar to clear, even the cows here can speak
>Though technically speaking you can't either
>Nothing wrong with your vocal chords, but the ponies just don't understand you
>Fluttershy picks up the general gist at least
>But otherwise it's just gibberish to them, and no one seems interested in trying to see if you're trying to converse or just making noise
>As far as everyone's concerned you're just another yappy human who could probably use some discipline
>And at first, you admit, the realization that your lot in life had been reduced to a pet was depressing
>All those years in college, wasted
>Your mom and dad, Incognito and Nondescript, God knows how they are
>Or how they're taking it
>But... shit, you're going to be honest
>This ain't so bad
>Beyond just being in Equestria in general
>Circumstances led to you being taken in by Twilight Sparkle out of all ponies
>Some real main character magnet shit going on there
>"Rooming" with the Princess comes with some nice perks
>For starters, Twilight and Spike are almost always out of the Library
>Either off engaging with her friends, away on business, or trying to find a private spot in town to jerk his dragon dick off to Rarity since he doesn't have a proper room of his own
>So you don't have to worry about acting like a 'normal' human
>Secondly, even if you can't speak the language, you can read the books
>Good luck figuring that shit out
>But it does mean you have a literal library's worth of literature to pass the time with
>Even if pony fiction is a bit too saccharine for your tastes
>But that's fine
>If the library fails to keep your attention, you have another option to entertain yourself with:
>Namely, fucking with your roommates
>It's almost sad how easy it is
>One of them's a big purple pile of neuroses
>The other's a smaller purple pile of nerves and burgeoning teenage hormones
>The way they passive aggressively snipe at each other when you eat (or throw away some of) food that's clearly for one of them is a real treat
>Twilight twitching when you deliberately put books in the wrong place according to the sorting system of the week she's cooked up
>By this point you're pretty sure she's just bullshitting some of these systems to try and keep Spike's hands busy
>(You aren't sure if she's just committed to the bit or actually autistic enough to be taking it seriously)
>If all else fails though, you got old reliable on hand
>It's taken some effort to train your face, but you manage to keep your expression completely neutral as you slap Twilight's cup right off the table as she's trying to read
>"Anon! Come on!"
>The Twiggiest of Princesses grumbles as she uses her magic to siphon up her apple cider back into her mug, looks at it contemplatively,
>And then lets out a sigh of defeat as she levitates it to the kitchen's sink, having just enough dignity to not drink floor-cider, even in the privacy of her own home
>That gives her at least one up on Rainbow Dash
>"Alright, I get it, just give me a minute to clean this up and we'll go for a walk, okay?"
>Fuck yes, you haven't seen the sun in way too long
>Just another day in the life of Anonfield