Last two shitposts:
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>Okay, here's now Jason Voorhees came back this time:
>A line on a graph went down slightly.
>A distraction is needed as cover for getting it back up like viagra for the island trip.
>Maybe a new cheap horror movie or something to get the stans and cancel police arguing online.
>Because of this, a bolt of lightning flashing over the towering business building outshines any idea's light bulb.
>The smaller CEO's responsibility is solely NOT to push the money button on his desk.
>But it's the only thing on his desk, intentionally so, like a wink and a nudge.
>His green dollar-sign glare watches that shiny red surface play hard to get with his finger.
>His trembling could shake the building harder than the thunder that now sounds could.
>That few seconds between lightning and thunder was all the CEO could last for.
>*boop*
>The button blushes green and the Dow is indirectly satisfied once more.
>ThatWasEasy.mp3
>The bigger CEO a few blocks down with a bigger money button on his bigger desk sends a congratulatory phone call as a thank you.
>Money is shifted around, and budgets are conjured alongside Jason Voorhees's fossilized corpse.
>"ch ch ch hah hah what the fuck is it this time?" Jason rises out of the deep sedimentary rock Nosferatu style.
>"Camp Everfree has campers getting too... irresponsible again! Go slaughter them!" The brand new CEO stumbles back through his office door after his island trip, re-fastening his pants.
>Jason groans, having been tired of this shit for so many years now. "Can't I just leave them alone? I drowned like 20 thousand years ago or something! I don't even remember anymore... I'm tired, boss."
>"Go kill them." The CEO snaps his fingers and his lawyer appears with a blank legal complaint in hand. "Or else. That's an order. It's to help spread the message against unsafe sex. To protect the kids."
>"Protect the kids by killing them?"
>"...Yes..."
>---
>"Oooooookay, campers! Let's get our oars ready!" Gloriosa Daisy steps into her designated canoe.
>"My new shoes won't get ruined, won't they?" Asks Sweetie Belle.
>"Ya shouldn't have brought those to SUMMER CAMP!" Applebloom gives her a look. "I mean... really?"
>"Nothing else was the right color!" Sweetie justifies.
>"Rarity's probably not the best influence on you." Scootaloo steps into the canoe with mud all over her tennis shoes.
>"What she taught me helped me win the knot tying contest against you!" Sweetie crosses her arms. "If I didn't know better, I'd be surprised the two of you could win any races at all without tripping over your shoelaces."
>"Can you just hop in the boat already?" Applebloom rolls her eyes.
>"Are you saying Rainbow is stupid or something?" Squints Scootaloo.
>"Hurry up, girls!" Gloriosa's voice over the megaphone makes all three of them jump enough to almost tip the canoe over. "Sweetie, don't be mean please."
>"Yeah! Don't be mean, Sweetie Belle!" Smirks Scootaloo. "It's not MY fault you brought fancy shoes to summer camp."
>Sweetie Belle is in the middle of the other two within the next 20 seconds.
>The rowing activity is 100% underway and only 50% underwater.
>"Didn't expect we'd be this far ahead so soon, but I'll take it!" Diamond Tiara sticks her tongue out at the other boat with the CMC working with only 2/3 the rowers.
>Silver Spoon giggles in preemptive victory with a surge of confidence helping her row harder with the help of Diamond Tiara and Babs Seed.
>"WILL YOU STOP COVERING YOUR SHOES ALREADY?!" Scootaloo fumes harder than if she was headed for a KFC bucket while Sweetie Belle shakes her head.
>"We're gonna lose because of you!" Complains Applebloom. "Are you serious right now?!"
>"Winning's not THAT important! I'm not even that strong anyway." Sweetie Belle lets her swirly lustrous hair swing in featherweight locks beside her neck with another shake of her head.
>"Oh my freaking god, Sweetie Belle." Grumbles Scootaloo through gritted teeth.
>Her eyes are silently planning to steal the other girl's shoes overnight and throw them into muddy quicksand or something out of spite.
>"Looks like victory's but a dream for you no matter how hard you row row row your bo-aAH!" Diamond Tiara took too much time mocking the other three.
>Her gloating lasted long enough for Silver Spoon and Babs Seed to accidentally ram the canoe into a large branch after laughing too hard to watch where they were going.
>"Now's our chance!" Applebloom strains while she and Scootaloo churn the oars as hard as they can to catch up to the rival canoe.
>"Di, you idiot!" Silver Spoon and Babs Seed whine in unison.
>"Just hang on, I'll use the branch as leverag- HOLY SHIT!" Diamond Tiara's half-apology is cut short when a figure in a hockey mask emerges from the depths next to the canoe.
>Jason Voorhees lives again, or is undead again, something like that.
>"ch-hah ki-mah fuck I forgot what I'm supposed to say." Jason grumbles to himself. "Uh, I'll fuckin' chop ya, mate! And stuff. I'll-AHH!"
>"The oar violently batters the top of Jason's head with Babs Seed's hands clenching the other end, the wood nearly breaking before returning to the water just to reach Jason's skull a few more times for a few extra hits.
>"Ah what the fuck! I'm just doing my joahblblblblblblbl..." Jason submerged back into the water, the cartoon lump on the top of his head the last thing to sink beneath the surface.
>"Everybody get to shore! I got this!" Gloriosa commands the campers to cancel the race and head back.
>---
>A glow dances from he mirror portal in from of Canterlot High, and Sunset arrives faster than at 4pm in Montana in December.
>She meets up with the other girls in Gloriosa's office.
>"Why won't he just DIE already?" Rainbow Dash paces back and forth across the room at the rate a dust mite would. "Even Michael fucking Myers went away for good now, and that took almost 50 years."
>"Wouldn't hurt to try again. Ah reckon he's gettin' just as tired of this shit as we are." Guesses Applejack. "Is he still there?"
>"The bubbles stopped, so I don't know." Gloriosa peers out the window at the lake. "Sunset, you have your headphones, right?"
>"Right here." Sunset twirls them around her finger before slipping them over her red and yellow locks.
>She leads the group out to the lake's shore, listening intently for Jason's signature murmuring but might as well listen the Wilhelm scream.
>Even after an hour, still nothing.
>"Maybe he finally got the message after Manehattan." Sci-Twi comments as Fluttershy listens from behind her for what the fish in the lake might be saying.
>"The whole camp's safe." RD returns from scouting the entire campground ten times in under five minutes. "He's nowhere there either."
>Rarity summons a sturdy diamond raft that Sci-Twi helps float across the lake.
>Sunset and Fluttershy listen intently on either side of Rarity; the former listens through the ribcage of underwater broken branches from their floating stethoscope for the heartbeat of Jason Voorhees.
>"Anything from the fish?" Asks Sunset.
>"They're saying he went up the nearby river." Responds Fluttershy with her hand in the water. "No wait... down. He went downstream."
>"Do they have any idea where after that?"
>"They say they know other fish that made it all the way to the ocean. They got word that Jason might be heading to..."
>"To where?"
>Fluttershy pets the fish that brushes up against her hand all cat-like again, her eyes growing more worried with each passing second.
>"What's wrong, dear?" Rarity glances back at her.
>"They said traveling underwater was Jason's perfect way of staying undetected until he reaches..."
>"Reaches where?"
>---
>"Ah, thank goodness we got a new island!" The smaller CEO locks his fingers behind his balding head under the shadow of a palm tree. "When are the construction crews gonna be here? There's a lot of cages to build from what I've heard."
>"Probably a day or so after our big meeting." The unnamed politician next to him sips from a colada. "As long as boss lets us chill here until my current scandal blows over, I ain't complainin'. Helps us get used to the atmosphere before we get the real fun started over here, ya know?"
>"They always say the drinks taste better in the winter here." Filthy Rich clinks wine glasses with Ms. Harshwhinny. "Knowing all the commoners back home are freezing their asses off while we're not, and all that."
>"I can relate to that!" The unnamed politician laughs, remembering his other scandal from years ago. "Glad I picked a smarter destination this time."
>The gentle waves square-dancing across the sandy beach plays one relaxing song of island paradise after another, the ocean breeze slightly cooling their suntanning skin against the summer sun.
>"Does that mean the drinks here'll cost more in 6 months?" Jokes Ms. Harshwhinny.
>"You should ask Bill. He already stayed here before the rest of us bought it."
>"Say, where is he anyway?" The CEO tilts his sunglasses down. "He was right over there a few minutes ago."
>All four of them stare at the now lone water floaters drifting back onto the beach, with their owner nowhere to be found.
>"Huh. That's odd."
>Everyone else finishes relaxing before slithering back inside to cool off their scales.
>"Check it out, I found another great breakthrough." The tech CEO who's been inside the whole time gestures to his screen. "This will subvert EVERY adblock!"
>"Oh that's great!" Ms. Harshwhinny's eyes barely light up, her voice becoming cheerful to patronize the man who's just happy to be included in the cool group this time. "How does it work?"
>"Well, that part's a bit more complicated. But it can evolve to subvert anything and everything's coding. Would you like to hear the justification I'll use to ride out the backlash?"
>"Tell me all about it, bad boy." Ms. Harshwhinny tries not to mock him too obviously, in case he picks up on it.
>"I'm gonna compare ads on all the websites I own to the biology of an elephant!" He excitedly begins. "And then I'll explain that sites need the ads to be alive because they're too big to go back down to the size of a poodle anymore. Because if you shrink an elephant down to the size of a poodle, it will overheat and spontaneously combust because it's designed to need and use lots of energy generate body heat to warm itself. That's the perfect argument against downsizing a website! It has to shut down without the ads in place getting clicked on, they'll understand this time!"
>"Are you... sure that analogy is accurate?" Filthy Rich overheard him.
>"Of course it is! Here, let me show you exactly where I got this idea from." The tech CEO closes the tab and opens the tab with a live online fantasy game he's been snagging the high scores in.
>It's too bad all the yes men couldn't be invited here to protect that poor poor ego.
>The other unnamed CEO and unnamed politician meanwhile explore the already existing mansion this newly bought island has to offer, getting a good feel of the dusty chandeliers and towering windows.
>They hear a noise at the other end of a long hallway, but recognize the voice and rush over.
>"Oh there you are! We've already lost sight of Bill, don't wanna lose you too, bud." One of them says to the unnamed geriatric politician who barely knows where he is.
>"Are... are the girls here yet?" He asks in between random incoherent mumbling.
>"No, not yet. That's a long way away. You were supposed to come here summer NEXT year for that. Not this year."
>"I... wow, really?"
>He's sent to bed early in disbelief, after some applesauce.
>And then hours after he drifts off to dreamland, after it gets dark, a flash of light appears on the shoreline, followed by the humane seven making their footprints in the sand here for the first and only time.
>"This should be it. Where Jason swam to." Sunset scans through the darkness through night vision goggles. "Follow me, girls. I'll let you know if I hear him."
>She keeps the headphones tightly on her head as the mission to take down Jason Voorhees once and for all begins.
>"Ooh, this place looks really fun. Do you think we can form a conga line here? Maybe play volleyball?" Pinkie Pie looks around at all the palm trees glowing in the pale light from the full moon.
>"Ah doubt this place'd be very fun fer us in particular, Pinkie." Applejack responds quietly. "If this place is what ah think it is."
>"So... nude volleyball?" Asks Pinkie.
>Applejack furrows her brow at her.
>"S-sorry." Pinkie squees.
>"Aren't we too old to be here anyway?" Asks RD.
>"Trust me, we'd still be admitted by some." Rarity puts it as lightly as she can, already anxious enough to form a diamond dagger with her powers to jam into whatever shadowy figure may be lurking around here.
>The group continues searching the island in pursuit of Jason Voorhees.
>Meanwhile, Filthy Rich wanders around the mansion's courtyard at night, trying to take in the scenery or anything he can in pursuit of the happiness he'll never find after owning everything.
>While making a phone call.
>"Yes yes, just make sure MY daughter never comes here! She's busy having fun at camp right now." He says into the phone before the connection breaks. "Hello? Damn it, the cell service here still needs work."
>He knows it won't get any, given the soon-to-fail plans he's aware of.
>A distant noise startles him.
>"Hello?" Filthy Rich look on into the shadowy corridor. "Is someone there?"
>Just like his plans for everyone else's side of society, he takes one step forward and two steps back for his own safety.
>On the floor above, the less old politician heads towards the bathrooms.
>He slithers through the door and turns the light on, grumbling at his reflection in the mirror he refuses to look into for more than a second.
>After choosing which stall he wants to enter, he hears the furthest away stall door creak enough to make his scales crawl.
>"H... hello?" He backs away. "Is someone there?"
>He recognizes that silent lack of response, whatever's in that other stall either did something bad or is about to do something bad.
>"I'll have you know we're perfectly safe here! You don't gotta creep me out like that! I-it's not funny~." Says the politician.
>He continues on to take a dump, but another louder creak makes him jump.
>"Alright, look!" He holds his hand up. "This witchhunt has gone on long enough. We have much more important issues at hand here, so if y-AH!"
>A machete piercing through his chest from behind interrupts him.
>"Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... hah-hah-hah-hah..." Murmurs Jason Voorhees.
>"Wh-what are YOU doing here?" Sputters the politician through coughs of blood. "There's no teens doing anything here! Yet..."
>"I know." Jason twists the machete. "And there never will be."
>The politician falls to the floor in a pool of his own blood.
>"Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... hah-hah-hah-hah..." Jason Voorhees repeats before listening to Filthy Rich's voice calling out in response to the noises.
>Meanwhile...
>"He's over there! In the old house!" Sunset with the girls on the other side of the islands points in the direction of the villa. "Let's go! Rainbow, go find him and give us his coordinates!"
>"Roger that!" RD takes off like the most recent victim's next political campaign never will.
>"Let's hurry up and get this over with. This place gives me the creeps!" Sci-Twi nervously crosses her arms as a gust of wind starts up.
>"It's supposed to give us the creeps, darling." Rarity says to her.
>Rainbow Dash darts through the side yards of the old mansion that don't have light shining onto them from windows leading to rooms with people who can see outside.
>"I know you're here somewhere, fuckhead!" Growls Rainbow Dash while traveling at lightning speeds.
>She stops just around the corner of the courtyard where Filthy Rich is still lingering.
>"Oh, it's just you!" Filthy Rich greets Ms. Harshwhinny with a sigh. "What a relief."
>"Wanna practice some fun with me a few months early?" She gives him bedroom eyes. "I already don't wanna sleep all alone in my room."
>Jason, who is watching from the shadows, rolls his eyes already knowing what type of scene this means is coming next.
>As long as he gets to get to the CEO that started this by the end of it...
>Rainbow Dash, who is right behind Jason, spots him and immediately flies forward with a kick to his lower back.
>"Ah! Fuck!" Jason lands straight on his mask as RD boldly decided to take matters into her own hands.
>Sunset and the rest of the girls follow the noises and telepathic brainwaves.
>"What the hell was that?" Ms. Harshwhinny backs away from the ruckus and holds onto Filthy Rich like they just got married.
>The hallways of this decrepit mansion gradually turn into a chase scene with Jason recognizing the magical girls who killed him in the past and running from them.
>Pinkie Pie pops out of a nearby trunk and throws her explosive glitter at him.
>Applejack punches a doorway into one of the walls after seeing Jason slip around a corner to flee.
>A hallways with many doors proves all of them are unlocked as Jason and the humane seven dart and crisscross through all of them, some of them losing track of who's chasing who.
>Scooby-Doo Music starts playing.
>"I got him!" Declares RD as she gains on Jason, who leaps through another door into a dark room.
>He shuts it, but the lock won't click; Applejack kicks the door down anyway.
>"Hey! What's going on in here!" The Tech CEO kicks the covers around in his jammies after all the loud noises woke him up.
>"Is that who I think it is?" Gasps Rarity before Jason leaps over to the bed and accidentally kill him with the machete getting to the window behind the headboard.
>"Going somewhere?" Twilight rests on a palm tree log she's levitating.
>"FUCK!" Jason quickly dodges a sharp diamond edge Rarity swiped at him and crawls towards the door.
>Applejack grabs him and throws him through the bedroom wall into the next room, where he barely escapes back into the hallway like a rat in the kitchen light, with the humane seven hot on his tail.
>This scene would have happened again with the other politician in the other room having already gone to bed, but he already died of old age by now.
>"What do you mean Jason is HERE?!" The first CEO drops his jaw to the floor harder than the stock market in 1929 when Filthy Rich tells him what just happened. "He's supposed to be at Camp Everfree!"
>"I saw him, he- wait..." Filthy Rich's eyes widen as Ms. Harshwhinny finally lets go of his arm. "My daughter's there! How could you?!"
>"He's supposed to be making me money! I could pull your daughter out of that camp with one phone call right now if you want!"
>"But he's not THERE! He's HERE!" The CEO yells at his longtime friend.
>"Well why the fuck is he HERE?"
>"He's probably fed up with my shit. I knew this day was coming."
>"You mean PR didn't work?!"
>"I used lawsuits!"
>"THAT'S not going to sway Jason fucking Voorhees, you absolute moron!" Filthy Rich waves his arms around.
>"IT DID AT FIRST!"
>Meanwhile, the humane seven continue to scramble through doorway after doorway chasing Jason Voorhees who is running for his life as the Scooby-Doo music continues.
>"How do we get him out of here? He's too fed up with my bullshit to care about killing teens anymore!" The CEO watches the chase scene unfold as the humane seven have no idea what the context aside their own mission is.
>"Wait! That's it!" Filthy Rich snaps his fingers. "I know how to lure him back to Camp Everfree and still help you make your money we're gonna launder together later! Follow me!"
>The two men along with Ms. Harshwhinny take the private jet back home as the humane seven finally trap Jason in the basement and beat him to a pulp ten times harder than last time.
>---
>More deals are made, more money is moved around, and Jason is quickly and arbitrarily brought back into existence for yet another go at killing campers, this time with another masked rival who can't be Michael Myers since his final movie ended.
>"Look at us! We're gonna make so much money off of this brand new movie!" Filthy Rich and the other CEO chime together wearing their bullshit on their sleeve, rubbing their hands together over the movie poster for "Leatherface versus Jason: The Saskatchewan Circle Saw Snafu Situation!".
>They travel all the way up to an empty field in the Canadian territory, far away from where Filthy Rich's daughter Diamond Tiara could be in harm's way.
>"Leatherface has a chainsaw and Jason only has a machete! Who's gonna win this one!" The two of them try their best to lure the latter up north with a bait debate about who would win in order to poke Jason's ego since he doesn't give a shit about lawsuits anymore.
>They make sure to attend the filming and personally oversee it, so Jason arrives on set in attempt to kill them.
>That's when they'll throw Leatherface in his way and start filming.
>That's at least... the general gist of what they're trying to do.
>All those dollar signs in their eyes made it hard to see far into the future.
>The only futures they know for sure is that of Dow Jones and such, that's their own special kind of way, their own philosophy.
>"Here he comes!" Filthy rich spots a speck in he sky, expecting it to be Jason flying on in to protect his reputation, not realizing that Jason just waned to be left alone and that they projected their own mindsets onto him.
>The speck in the sky turns out to be a massive glitter bomb, encased in a diamond crust that'll break on impact, directed by pigeons and pushed by a winged Rainbow Dash.
>Looks like Sunset arrives here even faster than down south in Montana.
>"YEEEEEHAW!" Applejack rides the bullshit destroyer like a mechanical bull, waving her hat around.
>Twilight levitates Applejack out of the way after the cowgirl gives the projectile a good strong extra kick, and all of the girls and pidgeons are safely out of harm's way when the explosion directly hits the filming site.
>Leatherface did not survive either, Jason was not present.
>That's the power of friendship and teamwork.
~
>Back at Camp Everfree, Diamond Tiara approaches Sweetie Belle and Applebloom.
>"Did... did your older sisters kill my dad?"
>"Looks like it." Responds Scootaloo. "Honestly, fuck him. I'm proud of our sisters." She makes sure it's clear that Rainbow Dash was included.
>The CMC ended up winning the canoe race the next day.
Fin.