>You've finally given up
>You're accepting that your life sucks
>You didn't have money for college
>You needed to get a job and save up money
>The economy is shit and unemployment is soaring
>The only place that would hire you was a farm miles away from the city
>That's why you're screwed out on this long empty road
>There's nowhere to take cover as the engulfing flame approaches
>You wouldn't get to live to say you lived through the first nuking of the United States
>You wouldn't get to make funny but inappropriate puns about it
>But worst of all, you wouldn't get to kill zombies created by the fallout
>All those hours spent reading your zombie survival guide
>All those hours spent slicing watermelons with that katana you bought off eBay
>All a waste
>You would have wrecked that shit
>And in your last moments you make a declaration that all Americans will hold to
"Fucking China. I always knew it was going to be fucking ChinaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
>You scream at the top of your lungs as everything becomes intensely white
>Then black
>It's over

>It's all over
>All the important things you've done and... actually you've never done anything important, but that's besi- wait? You see a another white light in the distance
>Then an incredible pressure
>And everything goes blindingly white
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
>You start screaming again
>Is this the afterlife? Continually dying in a nuclear explosion? Pain for the rest of eternity? What have you done to de-
>"Congratulations! You've given birth to a handsome young colt! And with quite healthy lungs I might add."
>You stop screaming
>Congratu- given birth- colt? Wait... wait... wait... WHAT??
>The whiteness slowly starts to dissipate
>Your eyes begin to adjust
>Colors explode everywhere

>Everything is crisp, so clear
>This must be heaven! It's all so beautiful you could-
>*WHACK*
>OW! WHAT THE F-
>*WHACK*
"Aaaaaahhhhh!!"
>"There are those healthy lungs!"
>There's that voice again
>You focus through the tears and try to locate the voice
>You make out a large tannish shape
>It almost looks like... a pony?
>The figure smiles down at you
>"Well hello there little one. Sorry about all that. Had to make sure we got your lungs all nice and open."

>Holy crap it is a pony
>A talking pony
>Like a My Little Pony
>You're in Equestria
>Or you got salmonella from handling those chickens and you are seriously trippin' balls
>Or maybe this IS the afterlife
>Or... wait just a minute. Does salmonella get you high?
>As you ponder these things, you're unaware of being carried over to another pony lying in a bed
>"And here is your mommy"
>Mommy?
>"Oh... he's so adorable and handsome"
>Wait... that one pony said something about giving birth...
>"Just like his father, huh?"
>And... that bright spot of light in the darkness
>"Of course sweetie. Of course."
>Were you just... Did you...
>"But we're calling him Ace after my brother."
>You were just born.
>Well, reborn
>"I think that's a swell name honey-buns."
>And your "parents" are apparently mushy-gushy lovers
>As if you didn't get enough of that crap from your real parents
>Well, your first real parents
>Damn this is confusing
>"Does sum widdle pony wan sum miwk? Himz must be firsty after awa dat yewwing."
>Oh great. You're going to be baby-talked as well. This sure is going to be- WAIT ARE THOSE BOOBS?
>You latch on to a nipple as fast as you can
>"Boy! Look at those instincts! He knows what he wants."
>Heh. Instincts. Sure.
>"Except... he seems to be doing a lot more licking than sucking..."
>Damn it dad. Can't you go give out cigars or something?
>"Oh don't worry honey. He'll get the hang of it."
>Heh. Sure thing momma pony. But I think I might be a slooooooooowwww learner.

>"Ace! Come down for breakfast!"
>You shift in your covers a bit
>Breakfast later. Sleep now.
>*Clop, clop, clop*
>Uh-oh, here she comes...
>"Ace! Get out of bed. You don't want to miss your first day of school do you?"
>You poke your head out from under the covers
"Well actually..."
>"Downstairs. Now."
"Yes mom..."
>"Say it like you mean it."
>You sigh
>"What was that?"
"Why of course mom, I'm gonna go right downstairs and enjoy your wonderful meal."
>"Right after you brush your teeth."
"Yes mom, how silly of me to forget."
>"Mhm."
>She turns and walks out of your room
>You toss your blankets on the floor
>You'll do that later
>"And fix your bed!"
>You'll do that now
>You throw some magic around the blanket and sheets, moving them off the bed and tucking them in
>You were a unicorn, just like your parents
>Black fur, red mane and tail

>No not really
>You were green with orange hair
>Kind of bland actually
>Your dad's special talent was weather manipulation
>Your mom special talent was growing plants and flowers
>Which led to you living on a farm
>Fucking irony
>At least this one won't blow up
>You hope
>After your teeth are nice and clean you head to the kitchen
>Dad is sitting there reading the paper
>"Hey there kiddo! Ready for your first day?"
"Yeah dad. Can't wait."
>"That's good to hear. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends being the little smartypants you are."
>You weren't really that smart
>At least not by the adult terms you used to be on
>But if you were to be graded on your childhood, you would be an A+++ student
>You heard your parents mention the age at which foals begin to speak, and waited close to that time
>It actually took a while after that time before you could speak
>You hadn't realized talking with a muzzle would be so difficult
>There was also the issue of the breastfeeding
>All that licking led to your parents thinking you didn't know what to do, so they put you on a bottle instead
>Ya dun goofed

>After breakfast you grab the saddlebags mom packed for you
>"Have a good time son. Don't kiss too many fillies."
>"For Celestia's sake honey! Don't listen to your father dear. Do you need me to go with you?"
"No thanks, I've got it mom."
>"That's my son! A fearless leader, just like his pop."
"Of course dad."
>You quickly head out the door to avoid anymore family time
>You're greeted by a beautiful summer day
>The crops are almost fully grown, which means corn stalks as far as the eye can see
>No, really. The corn is tall. You can't see farther than 5 paces along the width of the road
>Welcome to Oatlahoma
>At least, that's what you think all of Oatlahoma is like
>You've never actually left the general area of home
>There were all the neighbors on their own farms, but most of them were older ponies
>The only time you saw a pony even close to your age was when one of the other families' grandkids visited
>You're actually pretty excited about to school now that you think about it

>About a half-hour's trot later, Marelow comes into sight
>Upon getting closer, you notice most of the buildings are brick, with the rest being wooden
>And that wood being painted. Why did you notice that? Because the farm ponies never paint anything. Lazy hillbillies
>Passing through town, you eventually come upon the school
"Wow... that's a big building."
>At least, the biggest you've ever seen in Equestria
>"You've never seen the school before? Did you just move here?"
>Turning around, you take notice of the white mare standing behind you
"Ummm... I... I live outside of town on a farm"
>"Oh! You must be Ace then."
>You nod your head in reply
>"Well then, come inside and pick your seat. We'll be starting class soon."
>You follow the mare into the building, and to your classroom

>There are several fillies and colts already in there
>You take a desk in the middle
>Not up front like the nerds, and not in back like the weirdos who eat paste
>After the last few foals arrive and the remaining seats are filled, the teacher calls you all to attention
>"Hello my students, and welcome to kindergarten!"
>"My name is Black Clouds, but you can call me Mrs. Black."
>Black? But she's... white... You really hope somepony bitch-hoofed her parents for that one
>"And in case you were wondering, my parents were colorblind."
>Oh...
>"Just kidding! Trying to ease the tension and all."
>"But... teacher... I'm colorblind..."
>Hehehe, nice one teach
>"Er... Well, uh... what a wonderful idea! Let's all say our names and tell something about ourselves."
>"I'll even start. My name is Mrs. Black, and I'm a teacher. Now it's somepony elses' turn!"
>May as well get this over with
"My name is Ace, and I live outside of town on a farm."
>"Very nice to meet you Ace! That's very interesting! Who would like to go next?
>That sounded so fake it hurt
>The rest of the students speak and tell their names and things about themselves
>Some are actually pretty cool
>Most are stupid
>Yes, you are an earth pony
>Whoop-dee-do
>At last, we finally get down to the one shy filly that won't voluntarily talk, and ends up being last
>Nerdy glasses, ponytail
>Heh, ponytail...
>"Let's see... has everypony gone yet? What about you? The filly in the back."
>'Ummm... m-my name is... um... Midnight Siren..."
>"And what's something about you Midnight."
>"I, um... I... I like to make up songs..."
>"That's very interesting!"
>You'd hate to see how she'd react to something NOT interesting
>"Alright now class, today we're going to start learning to count to 10! Doesn't that sound fun?"
>Oh here we go...

>"Hello my students, and welcome to the middle school!"
>Somehow, Mrs. Black got transferred up a few grades
>"My name is Black Clouds, but you can call me Mrs. Black."
>"And in case you were wondering, my parents were colorblind."
>Never change Mrs. Black. Never change
>"But teacher... I'm colorblind."
>"Iris? I... I thought you moved."
>"We moved back when my dad died..."
>"Oh... well... that's very interesting!"
>Oh boy, here we go again
>"Let's all say our names and..."

>The school year goes on just like the past several
>You continue flying under the radar, just waiting until you become an adult
>Also, you kind of need the schooling
>You never paid attention the first time around
>And what little you did learn seems to have been lost from neglect
>You spent most of your time trying to avoid appearing too smart
>Don't wanna be picked on by the bullies
>Like that one poor nerd over there getting a hoof-noogie
>That looked painful
>Of course, there's always that-
>"Pssst."
>-one pony who-
>"Psssssssssst, Ace."
>-who's going to-
>"PSSSSSSST!"
>to be-OHDAMNIT
>You look at the pony a couple seats ahead of you
"What do you want Blitz??"
>"Aw c'mon Acey, that's no way to treat your old pal Blitz."
>No, the way to treat you would be with fire and gasoline
>"So Mr. Magic, got a date for Hearts and Hooves day yet? Oh that's right, nopony wants to go with someone that's so horny."
>Shortly after starting school, you soon realized that earth ponies were the dominant race in this hick town
>Other than Mrs. Black that is
>But you're pretty sure she was kicked out of whatever town she previously lived in
>You had a few good friends at least
>In fact one of them has-
>"Are you gonna try and cast a love spell? Haha! That's the only way you would ever get a mare."
"How about I put a curse on you instead?"
>"Oh yeah? Well how about I-'
>"Good morning class!"
>Saved by the dumbbell
>"Sorry I'm late. I was at the office because we have a new student transferring in."

>A violet filly walks in
>Wait, wait, no
>A violet UNICORN walks in
>"Class, this is Shining Amethyst. She comes from Applewood."
>A colt in the back pipes up
>"Applewood? Isn't that were they make the Daring Do movies?"
>"Yes. My mom is an actor in movies, and my dad does commercials."
>Oh gosh her voice is beautiful
>This is it
>She's the one
>And she will be yours
>"Why don't you take a seat Amethyst."
>There's only one empty desk in the class
>Right by yours
>It was Midnight's until she left for some unknown reason
>This is happening
>She begins walking your way
>Oh gosh, what should you say?
>Should you speak at all?
>What about...
>YES
>Yes there's no way it can fail
>Look right into her eyes
"Hey-"
>"Here! Take my seat. I wanted to move back anyway."
>What
>NO
>"Oh, well thank you."
>What just happened
>She sits down as another pony moves to the seat next you
>This isn't happening
>"Hey Mr. Horny, now we can be best buds."
>This just happened

>You begin contemplating once you get home
>So what if she isn't sitting next to you
>You can still woo her
"She's going to be mine."
>But now you're going to have to come up with a reason to start a conversation
>You'll have to be smooth
>You'll have to be subtle
>But most of all, you'll have to be alpha
>Hearts and Hooves is in two days
>You can do this
>Eventually you find yourself in your dad's closet
"Let's see... cologne, yes. Mane gel, yes. Ball gag... wait... what? OH FFFFFFF-WHY??"
>"Ace? Is something wrong?"
>OF COURSE SOMETHING IS WRONG YOU DIRTY WHO-
"No mom, I just uh... it's nothing."
>"Alright honey, dinner will be ready soon."
"Kay mom."
>Back to the search
>There's not much else in here
>Wait, what's that box?
>You open it up and find...
>You just found the holy grail
>Amethyst will be yours
>It is unavoidable

>Tomorrow comes too slow
>But it finally comes
>You are ready
>You are the boss
>You are alpha
>Here you go
>The door flies open as you walk in, strutting your stuff for all it's worth
>The eyes of the entire class are upon you
>Including those of Amethyst
>You lock her in a fierce gaze
>Your eyes tell her everything
>She is yours
>And there's not squatfuck she can do about it
>You begin your walk towards her, with that sexy Han Solo half-smile
>She just stares back at you
>She seems stunned
>Not surprising
>You're a whole lotta stallion
>Technically a colt still, but whatever
>This is it
>It's time to deliver the hookline
>There's no escape
"Hey baby, have you seen any-"
*Thwump*
>Ow
>Damned pony legs

>Mrs. Black looks up from her trashy magazine with a bored expression
>"Are you alright Ace? Didn't hurt yourself did you?"
>Only your pride
>Stand back up
>Try again
"Hey ba-"
>"Is that a fedora he's wearing? What a loser! He's trying to hit on you with a fedora!"
>Blitz you retard
>Fedoras are cool
>You turn back to Amethyst
>Only to see she's laughing hysterically
>The rest of the class is as well
>Your heart sinks
>Then it gets eaten by a sea monster
>Which then explodes
>You turn to Mrs. Black, looking for help
>She's trying to suppress laughing as we-
>Nope
>There she goes
>"And I thought I was terrible at romance!"
>Oh...
>That's it
>You can die now
>Just spray the cologne in your mouth until the poison kills you
>"Haha! Look at his cutie-mark!"
>You pause
>What?
>What did you possibly do that...
>It's a plate
>A plate full of spaghetti
>This...
>Didn't just happen
>But it did

>"Does your breakfast platter come with eggs? I don't see them on the menu."
>You look at the mare disdainfully
"Miss, this is a family-friendly dining establishment. Not a drughouse. If you need your fix, you'll have to get it elsewhere."
>"But... I just wanted..."
>The mare looks at you with the most confused face before getting up and leaving
>You just can't escape the druggies
>Even in Equestria
>She left her newspaper
>You give the front page a glance
>*Blitz Krieg up for sportspony of the year. Set to break the record for-*
>Damn it Blitz
>That muscle-headed jerk had gone on to be a professional sports star
>Money, mares, he had it all
>You on the other hand...
>You had decided to roll with the whole spaghetti thing
>Cutie-mark destiny and all that crap
>Your parents were very supportive of you and your "talent" as they thought it was
>Dad even talked to one his buddies in town and helped you buy one of the buildings that had been abandoned
>In time, and after some major renovation, it became a restaurant
>Your restaurant
>According to the sign on the front, it was known as "Ace's Place"
>With a fedora over the A
>It was a fedora got your cutie-mark
>You know fedoras are cool, and you won't give up until everypony else knows it as well

>The establishment is doing alright
>But you live in a small town
>A very small town
>And not many ponies care for a fine dining experience
>Damned Hillbillies
>Or would it be hillfillies?
>Whatever
>Better take care of that new customer
>Hope this one isn't looking for gateway drugs too
"Hello miss, how many will you be dining with tonight?"
>"Just the one, Ace."
"Alright miss, if you'll come right thi-"
"Wait. How did you know I'm..."
"I'm sorry, I... what was your name?"
>"I go by Eclipse."
"E-E-Eclipse..?"
>Eclipse?
>ECLIPSE???
>The famous singer from Applewood?
>The one that did all the music for those movies Shining Amethyst was in?
>You really shouldn't be watching those just to see her
>But why would anypony like her come to a place like yours? In a town like this?
>Well... at least revenue will increase when word of her eating here got out
>But... how does she know you?
>And...
>"Yes, but..."
>But?
>"My... actual name is Midnight Siren."
>Midnight Siren?
>Didn't you know a...
>"I believe we were friends... back in school."
>What
>But
>Huh
"You... You mean the nerdy filly that I was always paired with in projects?"
>"Yes. Because I always told the teachers we wanted to work together."
"You did..? But... why?"
>"Because... I always had a sort of... crush... on you..."
"Oh, well... wait, what?"
>"I always thought you were cute. The dorky, country unicorn that was always trying to be cool."
>Dorky? "Trying" to be cool?
>The young miss has insulted thine honor
"Hey, I was cool!"
>"Of course you were. At least... to me."
>She gives you a look
>The kind of look that... Well, you don't really know
>A female has never given you that look

>Maybe she just...
>"I came here for... more than just food."
"You're visiting your family as well?"
>"I actually came to visit a friend."
>She isn't talking about you is she?
>So what if she had a crush on you in were you were kids
>She's rich and famous now
>Why would she come all the way here to-
>"A friend that owns a restaurant."
>There are other restaurants in town
>It could be any of-
>Oh just fuck it
"Are you referring to me?"
>She leans in close with that same look in her eyes
>"I don't know cutey. Am I?"
>What
"Excuse me for a second."
>"Oh, well, what for?"
"I just need to check something real quick."
>*THWACK*
>OW
"OW!"
>But seriously, ow
"Yep. Not dreaming."
>"Ummm... anyway... would you possibly like to... go out tonight? If you aren't too busy that is."
"I don't know... I have to run this place and..."
>You look back at the restaurant
>Not a customer in sight
"And I would love to."

>You remember that night fondly
>You made some bad jokes
>She pretended they were funny and laughed
>Or maybe she really was laughing
>At how bad your jokes were
>But she always made you feel... "cool"
>But maybe that's just because you were with her
>She has that... She's just...
>Well what you're trying to say is...
"I do."
>"And do you, Midnight Siren, take Ace to be your lawfully wedded husband, until death do you part?"
>"I do."
>"Then by the power invested in me, I declare pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss-"
>You don't let him finish before embracing Midnight into a long passionate kiss
>You've seen enough weddings to know how this works
>You look into her eyes
"What now?"
>"Well first..."
>She knocks your fedora off
"Hey!"
>"Fedoras aren't cool."
"What? Fedoras are awe-"
>She shuts you up with another kiss
>"And now... comes the fun part"
"Oh..."
>Yes
>Oh
>You can give up fedoras for "oh"

>Midnight was the best thing to ever happen in your life
>Being married to her was great for business
>But when she requested a stage be built in the restaurant for her to perform?
>That's when business exploded
>No, literally
>Those maximum occupancy limit signs?
>They don't post those just to fuck around
>It later became known as the Marelow Massacre
>After that, you bought a much bigger and nicer building
>With help from Midnight of course
>So you couldn't deny her when she insisted on designing the new restuarant sign herself
>'Midnight Aces'
>Catchy
>It could've used a fedora though
>She just rolled her eyes and walked off when you mentioned it
>Whatever
>Business was great
>No more scraping by
>You bought your parents someplace nice so they could retire
>A place nearby of course
>Somepony had to foalsit for you
>You and Midnight needed time for yourselves every now and again
>Which ironically enough led to more children
>Ponies never got around to inventing contraceptives
>Oh well
>Plenty of ponies to carry on your legacy
>Or Midnight's
>Whatever though
>You had succeeded at happiness in life
>What more could anypony ask for?