>"Yes, darling, I'm ready to head out. Let us hit the town!"
"Uh, not to question your life choices, well actually that's exactly what I'm doing but, why are you dressed like a man?"
>"What do you mean, why am I dressed like a man?"
>"Well... haven't you heard? Masculine fashion is... all the rage right now, darling!"
"Hmm. This is the first I've heard of this, but you're the fashion sensible one, so, uh, let's go."
>As the two of you were making your way to the car, Rarity looks at you a bit uneasy
>"Is something wrong, Anonymous? You look a tad worried."
"Uh, yeah, it's just... Rarity, if you had a penis, you'd tell me, right?"
>She looks at you with confusion, before cracking a smile
>"Of course, Anon, sweetie, you'd be the first to know."
>You give your own smile a!d breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that she took it in jest
"Haha, wouldn't that be your parents?"
>She gives you a more serious look this time, and you wonder what's next
>"Anonymous, dear. You, would be, the first, to know."
>And with that, she giggles and runs away to the car
>This graceful woman really gets the best of you sometimes
>Opening the door to the ‘Benz, you let Rarity step inside, making sure the fringe of her dress is in before closing the door
>Making your way to your own side, you slip in and get ready to go
>Heading off to Des Tas De Blé, you arrive not before or past seven thirty in the evening
>You’re about to go around and open the door for your date, when you realize she’s let herself out
>Not that there’s anything wrong with that
>After all, she’s an independent lady capable of taking care of herself
>Pfft
>Okay, getting a little too close to fedora territory there
>After a minute of debate over whether you were outside the line of the designated valet pickup area, the valet accepts your keys and enters your car
>Once inside, the host eyes your suit, giving it a brief yet thorough inspection
>You can tell by your expression that you just barely passed
>Guy definitely has something against red ties
“Reservation for Anonymous and Rarity.”
>”You’re late by ninety seconds, sir.”
“Dearest me, terribly sorry. Tis a tad difficult to convince your valet boys that their precious white line is merely spray paint on the pavement and not a national border into their sovereign country.”
>The host squints and bites his tongue, not daring say a word against a guest of such a fine establishment
>But more than content to give you the Bernie stink-eye
>Your date for this evening merely giggles softly to herself, loving the type of bold yet refined banter you’re known for
>As you take your seats, you spot some people from your school, friends of yours and Rarities
>Except that Shimmer girl
>Rarity tolerates her out of respect for the rest of her group of old friends, even going as far as to be genuinely kind to her
>But neither one of you are particularly fond of her
>It didn’t used to be that way, but lately she’s been going through some, changes
>Oh well

>Your date has been going swimmingly for the past 15 minutes
>Rarity has opened up to you about quite a lot of things going on in her life
>She seems to trust you well, considering that this is your fifth date, and you’ve been an item for three weeks
>Alas how the demands of the fashion and accounting industries prevent times like these from happening more often
>As you prepare to tell her about your amazingly hilarious time at yesterday’s office “team building exercise”, you see Sunset walking up to your table
>Um, rude
>You don’t just walk up on two people you who are having a romantic date and start talking to them unsolicited, even if you know them
>And knowing her lately, it’s highly likely that she’s going to start talking about, ugh, The Lutheran Church
>”Anonymous, Rarity, how nice to see you this evening!”
>You turn and face the bright and happy girl who happens to be just on the wrong side of too loud
“Sunset, I would say the same… if I weren’t currently on a private date, that is.”
>She looks at Rarity, and back at you
>”A date? You must be joking. I mean, I thought before that you two were dating, but Anon, it’s obvious she’s using you.”
>”Excuse me?!”
>Unlike Sunshout Shimmer, Rarity knows how to make her voice stern without resorting to raising it
>”Did you really come over here to accuse me of using someone else for my personal gain? You know I would never ever do such a thing… again.”
>”Sunset, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
>”Anon, I’m trying to help you. It’s obvious to everyone but you that Rarity has become a filthy lesbian! And I won’t let such a sinner corrupt my friend.”
>Rarity can only sit there, mouth agape
>It takes a lot to make a composed and proud lady like her speechless, but when it happens, she’s helpless
>Taking a deep, deep, “I’m literally trying not to strangle you right now” deep, deep breath, you look at Shimmer as calmly as you can
“Listen Sunset, firstly, you and I are not friends. In fact, I hate you. You are the one person I know who’s managed to make me genuinely hate them. Congratulations on that. Secondly, if Rarity was a lesbian, why would she be dating me? Thirdly, I’ve already proven that this ‘burn the evil gays’ attitude of yours directly contradicts the ‘Holy Bible’, thus making you a hypocrite who, assuming it’s real, will in fact burn in Hell. As I see it, that’s exactly where you belong.”
>Right on cue, as you finish your monologue, the host arrives at your table
>”Excuse me sir, ma’am, is thing young lady harassing you?”
>Shimmer turns to him indignantly
>”I am not, I’m simply-“
>The host, who it a lot cooler than you gave him credit for, silences her with a finger, as one would a child
>That’s by placing it over her mouth, by the way
>”I asked the sir and ma’am of the table, young lady.”
>After a brief pause, you see that Rarity is too downtrodden at the moment to act, so you decide to speak up
“Indeed this young ‘lady’ has verbally harassed and insulted my date.”
>”Very well sir, just a moment.”
>The host reaches into his pocket and draws a remote, placing it near shimmer, and flipping a small metal switch
>The lights within the building dim to a low point
>It’s just bright enough to see in front of your face, but not much farther
>You’ve seen this once before
>You hear the sound of fast, heavy footsteps, followed by muffled scrams, and more footsteps
>About six seconds after they went out, the lights come back on and Shimmer is gone, leaving only the host standing at your table
>”Please enjoy the rest of your evening.”
>And with that, he hurries off to attend to more guests
>Your date continues in relative peace
>For a while

“So all my friends are laughing about this stupid video, right? I mean, it’s just a monkey breaking into a medicine cabinet and stealing cough syrup, right?”
>Rarity rolls her eyes, and swallows her bite of salad
>”Tell me about it. I’ve been shown that stupid video so many times.”
“But get this, now keep in mind there’s a Zebrican-Equestrian chick at the table with us,”
>She stops mid-bite
>”Anonymous, no, you wouldn’t!”
“Yeah, I would. So anyway, so I say to them, ‘I don’t understand why the monkey drinking the cough syrup is such a big deal’…”
>You’re struggling to contain your laughter at this point
“I said, ‘If you want to see a monkey get wasted on cough syrup, just go to Manehattan’.”
>Rarity drops her fork and covers her mouth, likely trying not to burst out laughing too
>Eventually she calms herself down
>”I can’t believe you, did that poor Zebrican-Equestrian girl ever speak to you again?”
“Are you kidding, she nearly fell to the ground laughing! I thought she’d spill her chili spaghetti!”
>At the mention of chili spaghetti, Rarity pretend gags
>Then Twilight Sparkle walks up to your table, and you really gag
>See, this ain’t magical horse Twilight that you met once
>This is nerdy human Twilight that you saw all the time in high school
>Like Sunset, she used to be cool, until she too experienced a paradigm shift
>”Hey Anonymous, just wanted to say you did a real bang-up job of showing that wingnut Sunset the old what-for!”
”Twilight, please go away.”
>”Aww, c’mon, you two don’t look like you’re doing anything special-“
>Of course you’d think that you sperg
>”-and I thought a good intellectual conversation with a fellow skeptic would be nice.”
>Sighing, you quietly ask the waiter for three bottles of wine and hand your keys to Rarity
“Listen, Sparkle, I’m not a skeptic. I don’t believe that there is a God, and I certainly don’t condone using a God as an excuse to do bad things. However, unlike you I’m not arrogant and self-centered enough to claim to know that there isn’t one. I don’t fancy myself as being able to understand the vast universe we live in and I don’t think any human ever will. And I definitely don’t think that not believing in God makes me better than anyone else. And unlike you, I most assuredly don’t think that harassing, degrading, and attacking people who chose to believe in a deity makes me, or you, a better person. If anything, it’s the utmost form of hypocrisy, as you are basically ‘stooping to their level’ and doing the same things you accuse them of doing. Now why don’t you go buy a new fedora, post on Reddit, and meditate on just how much of an insignificant speck you are, floating in this endless abyss of a cosmos, and how utterly FUCKED UP it is, for you to go and put someone else down for not being like you, as if you’re so god damn special compared to the gigantic stars and measureless galaxies surrounding us, that you are for some reason the benchmark by which all others should be measured?!”
>Rarity stares at you in awe
>As do Sparkle, the waiter, the other patrons, and even the host
>You crack open a bottle of wine and begin to chug it
>Fortunately the waiter knew you were going for quantity so he brought you the cheap stuff that doesn’t need to be savored
>After downing a third of the bottle, you set it down and wipe your lips with a napkin
“I apologize, everyone, except you, Sparkle, for my outburst and language. Since my night has already been thoroughly ruined, I felt some catharsis was in order. But it was selfish of me to jeopardize your enjoyment for my own gain, and for that, I’m sorry.”
>The patrons around you generally just nod understandingly and look back to their meals and each other
>Count on a place like this to have rich, fancy people who are actually, well, people
>Twilight simply stands there in tears
>Then she runs off, spilling spaghetti from her pockets
>No really this level 99 sperglord actually thought you were supposed to take the food home in your pockets

>You and Rarity decided to at least try to enjoy the rest of your meal
>And it goes well
>You make it all the way through the salads, appetizers, and two stage entree
>And then you notice another figure approach your table
>It's Flash Sentry, and he's, well, um
>Anyway, his head is shaved bald, he's wearing an orange and yellow robe and wooden sandals, and his neck is adorned with a necklace that looks like anal beads almost huge enough to fit inside Sunset's gaping asshole
>"Greetings brother and sister-"
>You and Rarity exchange a glance, before each gripping a bottle of wine
>You both take a swig and say in unison,
"Fuck off, Flash."

FIN