>"...And I said, 'That's not my sister! That's my cat!'"
>It was just another day in Horseland the capital of the world, Canterlot
>You were walking through one of the many hallways of Canterlot castle with two of your buddies who happen to be in the guard, Sergeant Hoplite and Sergeant Aegis
>The three of you had just finished getting fuarkin' shredded in the gym and you were all walking back to your respective rooms to get cleaned up so you could go on with your days
>... At least you had been
>Right now you and Aegis were staring at Hoplite
>Neither of you were particularly angry
>Nor were you very much amused
>Both you and the elderly stallion standing next to you were looking at the young Sergeant with disappointment in your eyes
>It was the same kind of disappointment that a father has when he tries to get his son to play football and he ends up taking dance lessons instead
>Hop had done fucked up royally 
>Under your scrutiny he began to squirm, sweat beginning to form on his brow
>"T-That's not my sister. T-that's my cat! Hehe... you guys get it?"
>The duffel bag that you had been holding was dropped onto the marble floor underneath you
>With a hand now free you begin to slowly rub your temples
>From beside you Aegis grumbles something under his breath and closes his eyes
>It takes a few more seconds of the three of you just standing in the middle of the empty, quiet hallway before Hoplite begins to suspect that he might have just fucked up a little bit
>The pegasus ruffles his feathers nervously and bites his lip
>"...Do you guys not get it?"
>You and Aegis groan
>While most ponies would have kept their mouths shut hearing that Hoplite wasn't most ponies
>The poor dear was a little... slow
>Dumb as a box of rocks in fact
>"You see, it's funny because--"
>"Sweet Celestia above... Hoplite shut your mouth," Aegis snapped as he brought a hoof up to his face. "Just... SHUT... you mouth... Please..."
>Hoplite opened his mouth but this time you intervened
>No
>This little nigga didn't get to talk anymore
>He doesn't have the RIGHT to open his mouth hole after that "joke"
"It wasn't funny, Hop," you tell the little horse. "We both got it; It just wasn't funny one little bit."
>Leaning down you pick up your bag
"And trying to explain the joke isn't going to make it any damned funnier."
>"But--"
>Aegis's horn sparks to life and he disappears in a flash
>He reappears a second later beside Hop and proceeds to shove his hoof in younger stallion's mouth
l-lewd
>"Buts are for sitting, colt. Now apologize so we can get on with our days."
>Hoplite blinked in confusion
>With a grunt he shoved Aegis away from him
>"Apologize?" he said, his nose scrunching up. "What the hay do I--"
>"Just say you're sorry."
>"Bu--"
>"Say. You're. Sorry."
>You walk over and put your hand on Hop's shoulder
"Just say you're sorry, Hop."
>Hoplite opened his mouth, only to close it a second later
>"It... It wasn't that bad was it?"
>Your looks must have said it all because Hop looked down at the ground with a snort, his little horse cheeks glowing
>"...Sorry."
>Patting your friend's shoulder again you walked past him and once again started walking down the hallway at a leisurely pace
"Good enough."
>Hoplite made another face as Aegis trotted to catch up to you
>"My joke wasn't that bad..."
>This little horse...
>You were about to turn your head to explain to him the finer points of a joke
>You know, like having a set up and saying words that made sense when they're said together, but you hear a voice coming from around the corner
>It was a nice voice, quiet but powerful, caring yet commanding, rich and smooth and comforting
>It was the kind of voice that one could listen to for hours
>It was the kind of voice that could make a person do whatever the speaker wanted
>And for many, it was a voice that soothed their fears, gave them wisdom, and encouraged them to be the best that they could be
>But not you
>Fuck no; not you by any stretch of the imagination
>And the reason why this voice, and speaker that owned it, didn't make you feel loved and calm and cared for was simple
>She fucking HATED you
>"--And if the Sultan of Saddle Arabia would be so kind as to make the trip to Canterlot then I would--"
>Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!
>You frantically look around, trying to find a place to hide
>But there were no doors to slip through
>No windows to jump out of
>There wasn't even anything you could hide behind
>And both Hop and Aegis were standing there frozen like the putz's they were
>Which meant you were trapped
>And boy were you not happy about it
>You took a few hasty steps backwards as the Queen bee (otherwise known as Princess Celestia) herself majestically walks around the corner, her royal entourage of advisors and scribes walking behind her
>As focused as she was with her Princess-ing, Celestia didn't see you for a good minute
>Her advisors did though, and each one of the little buggers flinched when they saw your mug
>They knew what was going to happen
>Praying, you continue to backpedal
>You could still get away if she just didn't look at you
>If she didn't look at you and you managed to get around the corner--
>"--And if he'd like to speak to me in the comfort of his own home please tell the Sultan that I would be more than..."
>Your asshole puckered as the Princess's eyes finally settled on you
>Celestia paused mid step, nearly half of her posse running into her backside as she stopped
>The two of you just stare at each other
>You're still trying to get away when you watch the Princess's once calm and peaceful expression morph into the one that she reserved for her most hated enemies and you
>Her ears fold back, her body language becomes stiff and her muscles tense
>Slowly, her pearl white face begins to turn red as her nose scrunches up
>"...Y-YOU."
>You try not to flinch at the tone of her voice, at the sheer HATRED dripping from each syllable, but you couldn't help it
>Here we fucking go...
>Without a second thought you kneel and look at the ground
"Good morning, Princess Celestia."
>You know
>Most ponies don't have to bow like this to the Princess of the Sun
>She apparently doesn't like it all that much; especially for ponies that live in the castle
>If you live and work in her home the Princess is said to be like a mother to you, knowing your name, going to your birthdays, asking when you were getting hitched to that mare that you've been dating for the past few years; all of that shit
>And you bet all of that's real, real nice
>But the second that Celestia sees you you gotta get down on the knee and grovel like the common filth you were
>And calling her anything other than Princess Celestia or your Highness or Princess was a sure fire way to get screamed at by a flaming princess
>And by flaming you don't mean she was a lesbo; you're talking about actual FIRE
>Like the bro he was, Hop stepped in front of you
>"G-Good morning, Princess, h-how has your morning been--"
>You lower your head down to the ground a little more as you hear the angriest princess in the land stomp toward you, magically shoving your meat shie--er friend out of the way
>Though you didn't dare look up you couldn't help but imagine that she had her head held up high and her wings spread her
>An angry goddess ready to rain hell-fire down on your monkey ass
>"And w-what do YOU t-think you're d-doing here?!" The princess asked as she stopped a few feet from you, her voice quivering with rage
"I was just walking back to my room from the gym, your Highness," you say
>You can feel Celestia's eyes scan your body
>"No doubt dirtying u-up all of the equipment... b-baka."
>And there was that... word?
>At least you think it was a word since she called you it all the time
>Probably some horrible term in some ancient language that had been dead for eons
>...Or maybe not
>You weren't all that good with the words
"I make sure to clean up everything I've used to the best of my ability, your Highness," you respond respectfully
>Use plain, simple words
>If you don't do that it's to the moon with you if you're lucky
>You can feel Celestia's frown on you as she scoffed
>"And yet you dirty up my floor as we speak. Tell me, Anonymous, will you clean up that as well?"
>You open your mouth to say something but you're cut off by one of Terrible Tia's croonies
>"I'm sorry to interrupt this, Princess, but if we don't hurry we're going to be late for that appointment with the Gryphon Duke."
>Looking up slightly you see that the speaker was Feather Duster, Celestia personal maid/confidant
>That based little horse was usually the one that helped speed these painful situations up considerably
>And because of that you made sure she got sugar cookies from the local bakery every Thursday
>Since Feather had a sweet tooth along with the ability to save your ass on a regular basis
>You feel Celestia's gaze linger on you for a few more moments before she snorted
>"Very well then. Let us be off."
>You keep your head down as she brushed past you, smacking the back of your head with her tail
>Without needing further prompt the advisor pones scurry after her like baby ducklings, each of them giving you empathetic looks as they passed you
>...Alright
>The "fun's" over
>Now you can get back to your life
>Taking a deep breath you slowly start to rise
>You were about to reach for your duffel bag when Celestia's voice once again rang out
>"A-Anonymous?"
>Oh no...
>Time for round 2...
>Turning around you see Celestia looking over her shoulder in your general vicinity
"Yes, Princess?"
>Her cheeks get just a little bit redder as your voice carries through the hall and into her ears
>"A-Are the castle staff t-treating you well?" she asked, refusing to meet your gaze as she rubbed a foreleg. "I-I just want to k-know since I d-don't want my little ponies getting e-eaten b-because they didn't f-feed you properly...B-Baka..."
>Hey now...
>You'd never eat one of these little horses!
>Horse meat always hurt your stomach back home
"Everyone's been great."
>Except you
"I've been making a lot of friends about here since most of your staff are a bunch of sweethearts."
>They're a bunch of sweethearts and you're a horrible demon horse filled with hate
"And I'm getting more than enough to eat since the castle has a bunch of really good chefs."
>Not really knowing what else to say you gave the red-faced princess and little bow
>She kind of shies away when you do that, her face, impossibly, getting even redder
"I can't thank you enough for letting me stay here, Princess Celestia. I don't know where I'd be if you and your sister didn't swoop in and save me."
>You hadn't originally wanted to stay at the castle
>Cities made you nervous and living in a big scary castle filled with highly guards that may or may not want to murder your face didn't seem like all that good of an idea when you had gotten here
>But Princess Celestia had insisted
>She didn't want you "causing a ruckus or eating anypony," as she put it
>But in the end the castle life turned out to be pretty great
>You got all of the food you could eat
>You had a weekly allowance
>There were a lot of bros here that you could be bigger than in the gym
>And you had a roof over your head and clothes on your back
>If all you had to do was deal with a princess that wasn't all that fond of you'd take that deal any day of the fucking week
>And TWICE on Sundays
>...Though it kinda would be nice if you could get Celestia to warm up to you
>She seemed like a pretty great horse if she wasn't such a fire-breathing cunt
>Said fire-breathing cunt monster shuffled toward you with the barest hint of a smile
>"W-Well I'm glad that you're happy here and--"
>Realizing that she was about to say something NICE to you (lord fucking forbid) she reeled back, her nose scrunching up to dangerous levels
>"And...A-and... YOU'RE SUCH A BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!"
>You stumbled as the Royal Canterlot fuck-you-and-your-ears voice blasted through the hall, making the windows fucking shake
>Celestia, with little flames exploding across her mane, picked up her little posse with her magic and sprinted down the hallway
>Doing your best not to swear you sit down on the floor, gripping your head in pain
>Ow... Ow... the ears are ringing like a motherfucker... Ow...
>Aegis, who had the sense to cover his ears before the princess started shouting, walked over and rubbed your back
>You could see that his lips were moving but all you could hear was ringing
"AEGIS I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
>You jam your pinkies in your ears
"I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY EARDRUMS! I THINK I GOT MY EARDRUMS BROKEN AEG--"
>You stop talking when you feel the cool, slightly numbing sensation of magic
>You could feel it seep into your head, quieting the ringing and making your head hurt a little less
>"Fe... tter... An...?"
>You gritted your teeth and closed your eyes
"A LITT- A little more, Aegis," you say. "I still can't hear you that well."
>Aegis's horn glowed a little brighter and you sighed as the ringing finally stopped
>"You should have covered your ears, Anon," Aegis chided, walking over to Hoplite
>The pegasus, just like you, hadn't managed to cover his ears in time for Celestia's shout
>And since horse ears were a good deal more sensitive than your's the little guy was on his ass knocked out cold
>Poor guy's ears were even bleeding...
>...Wait a tick...
> You look down at your hands you notice that both of your pinkies had blood on them
>>Motherfucker...
>That made your ears bleed too!
>What the hell?!
>Crazy princess horse!
"Why the hell does she keep doing that?!" you demand, gesturing down the hallway with a hand. "I wasn't even doing anything!"
>"Maybe she just doesn't like your weird flat monkey face," Aegis responded, patting Hop's cheek
"...Why don't you just fuck off with you and your dumb long horse face, Age?"
>Aegis snorted, slapping Hop a few times before picking him up in the air with his magic and placing him on his back
>"Hey, don't blame me because your nose is tiny and your face is flat. That's your parents fault."
>Groaning, you let yourself falling onto the floor
"...Why does she hate me so much, Aeg?" you asked, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm not that big of an asshole right?"
>Sighing, Aegis walked over to you
>"Princess Celestia is the nicest, most loving pony that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, Lad," he said with a helpless shrug. "Maybe she just needed somepony to hate and you got the short stick?"
"Then why the hell would she let stay in the castle then?"
>Your nose scrunched up
"And why in the name of the Fozz does she keep calling me baa-ka? What the hell does that even MEAN?!"
>"I don't know what it means, monkey. Just like all of the other times you asked me."
>Giving you the classic 'I'm-too-old-for-this-shit' look Aegis kicked you again
>"Now get up. I gotta get Hoplite to the infirmary and you gotta go and see Princess Luna."
>Yeah...
>Luna...
>Maybe she could help you out!
>She was Celestia's sister, so she should know a TON of shit about her!
>She'd be able to tell you why she hated you so much!
>At the very least she might be able to do something about the Princess of the Sun blowing your eardrums out
>That shit was outta hand for god's sake!
>Getting to your feet with a grunt you walk over and grab your duffel bag
"Alright, I'll see you guys later."
>You were about to turn away but you stopped to look at Hop
>Aw
>The poor little guy's tongue is hanging out...
"Hey... tell Hop that I'm sorry he got fucked up like this when he wakes up..."
>Aegis scoffed
>"Please, after the Princess finds out that she accidently hurt one of her guards Hoplite here's going to get a paid vacation to anywhere he wants AND a bucking raise."
>Shaking his head Aegis turned away from you and trotted toward the infirmary
>"If I had had any sense I wouldn't have covered my ears... the lucky devil..."
>Waving goodbye to your companions one last time you scurried down the hall
>Though Canterlot castle was a labyrinth of hallways you were a veteran of this place, so it was of little surprise that you made it to Luna's side of the castle at record time
>Unlike most of the castle, which was bright and warm and sunny, this part of the castle was colder, darker
>The fancy windows on the walls were far smaller and the images depicted on them were a bit... darker
>The ponies guarding the hallways were also different
>Unlike the adorable bunch of white furballs in the Day Guard, who trotted around in golden armor that was almost always too big for them and used spears that kind of didn't make sense, the Night Guards were filled with the "dreaded vampire ponies"
>Nevermind the little horses running around in dark blue armor that was also slightly too big for them weren't vampires by any stretch of the imagination
>They couldn't see in the dark, they had special contacts that gave them those "scary" reptile eyes, and you were pretty sure they had plastic teeth in for their fangs
>You know, the cheap kind they sell in Halloween shops
>But whatever
>Luna wanted her guards to "intimidate her foes" so blood-sucking, soulless monsters they were
>Not to you though
>Even if they WERE vampires you sure as hell weren't going to be scared by a bunch of three foot tall furry horses
>Momma didn't raise no bitch
>"Halt! State your business!"
>You had nearly made to the big ass, glided night-themed hunk of oak that served as Luna's bedroom door when the two guards standing at attention on either side of it stopped you
>...Well, at least they think they stopped you since you stopped when they puffed out their chests and glared at you
>It was adorable
>Like you wanted to walk over there, pick up of them up and rub their belly's until their hoofsies were a'kickin'
>But you couldn't do that right now
>You had a moon hoers to talk to
"Do we really have to do this every time guys?" you asked, crossing your arms
>"We are trusted with keeping Princess Luna safe. We will not veer from this course," one of the guards said, looking forward
>We will not vee...
>Was that from something?
>You feel like that's from something...
>Why the hell did they always have to do this?
>These little niggas KNEW you
>You were here yesterday for crying out loud!
>Eh, whatever...
>Shaking your head you walk forward
>The guard's eyes widen and both of them step toward you
>"You will halt at once and state--HEY!"
>Stepping over one of the stallions you walk over and knock on the door
"Hey, Luna, are you in there? I need to talk to you."
>From the other side of the door you could hear shuffling
>"Come on in, Anon, the door's unlocked," you hear Luna call
>Looking over your shoulder you see the little guards glaring at you
>You stick your tongue out at them, and you're about to reach for the doorknob, when you stop
"...Wait. You don't have anyone else in there do you? I'm not going to open the door to see some fucked up shit am I?"
>You hear Luna huff
>"Of course there's nopony in here, I'm about to go to sleep! Now get in here before I lock the door!"
>...She could be lying
>In fact there was probably someone in there; maybe even multiple someones doing some randy, dirty shit
>And Luna DID love the look on your face whenever you walked in on her...
>Because she was fucked up like that
>Making a face you cautiously grab the doorknob and twist it, opening the door and stepping through it
>The Princess of the Night was lying half under her light blue silk covers by herself in the barely illuminated room
>Thank god
>Though you could barely see her you could tell that Luna was tired
>Her usually flowing and starry mane was frazzled and its stars were dim
>There were bags under her bloodshot eyes
>And you could just make out the fifty ounce monster of a cup that served as her coffee mug sitting on her nightstand
>Her shoulders were sagging, her eyes were barely open, and she hadn't even teased you as you entered the room
>Tired night hoers was tired
"A rough night, Luna?"
>With a yawn Luna laid her head down onto a pillow
>"I spent half the night chasing away the nightmares of a bunch of fillies," she mumbled with a snort. "Apparently somepony thought it would be a good idea to take them to a horror movie matinee for their sleepover."
>Her wings ruffled as you dropped your duffel bag and walked over to her
>You sat down on the edge of her bed, and with a grumble she crawled over to you and placed her head on your lap
>"Hmmm, the musk of a sweaty male. What a scent for a mare to fall asleep to..."
>You couldn't help but make a face as you reached down and started to run your fingers through her mane
"Do you always have to be such a dirty bitch whenever I come in here?"
>Luna let out a groan, nuzzling into your lap and closing her eyes as your fingers did their magic
>"You're the one that charged through my guards unto my private bedchambers."
>Luna cracked open an eye and grinned up at you
>"Sweaty and barely clothed to boot. So what if I were to suspect that you'd stop being such a bucking baby and ask your favorite princess for some sexual favors?"
>She yawned again as you made another face
>Luna had been one of the first ponies that you had made friends with when you had first appeared in horseland
>Honestly afraid of what was going to happen to you while you were amongst these aliens, being poked and prodded at by medical staff and scientists and getting glared at by most of the guard Luna had swept in and taken you under her wing, both metaphorically and literally
>She taught you the ways of this odd little magical world
>She was one of your best friends in the world wide world
>And she was the lewdest fucking creature that you ever had the pleasure of meeting
>And you meant that in the best possible way
>...Really you did
"You need some kind of help."
>"And you need to give this little guy some attention."
>You slapped the back of her head as she rubbed her cheek against your johnson
"Bad horse! BAD!"
>Snorting again Luna grabbed your hand and forced it back against her head
>Though you weren't too happy about it you started petting her again as she stuck her tongue out at you
>"I can hear him you know. He's saying please stick me in something, Anon. Please play with me, Anon."
>She wiggled around, lifting a hoof up into the air as she teased you
>"Please, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, ANON!"
>This fucking horse...
>If you didn't love her to bits you'd throw her out a window
"What me and my dick do is none of your business, Ms. Cockwhisperer," you say, reaching up to play with her ears
>Luna nuzzled into your lap a bit more with a grumble before sitting up
>Blinking owlishly she yawned
>"I don't need to be a Cockwhisperer to know that my best human friend needs a bit of release," she mumbled, leaning against you
>The end of her horn sparked to life, encasing her coffee mug in her magic and levitated it over toward her lips
>She let out a little groan as she took a sip, leaning into you a little more
>"And since I'm such a good friend I thought I'd 'bring thou pleasures the likes of which cannot even be imagined by the greatest of minds'."
>You twitched as one of her eyes opened to look at you, a little smile on her face as she took another sip of her coffee
"...You're never going to let me trying to talk to you in ye olde style go are you?"
>That shit wasn't' even your fucking fault
>One of the guards had SAID that she had been away for a thousand fucking years
>Was it that wrong to think she talked like that?
>You were just trying to make a good impression!
>There must have been a pout on your face because Luna awed and wrapped a wing around you
>"Why would I forget something as sweet as that, my little human?"
>She smiled, nuzzling your shoulder
>"Now... back to getting you laid."
"Fuck you."
>"Maybe on your birthday if I forget to get you something."
>She let out a thoughtful hum, looking you over
>"A princess doesn't normally take a lanky peasant like you to her bed but I think I could give you a quick hoof job before going to bed."
>You try to wiggle away from the crazy horse sitting next to you but her wing kept you firmly at her side
>Fucking alicorns and their super strength
"I don't want a hoofjob you crazy mare! If you just listened--"
>Luna's eyes narrowed as she took another sip of her coffee
>"Alright, alright! I'll give you a magic job AND I'll let you cum on my face. BUT you have to pet me afte--"
>To your relief she stops talking as she looked up toward your ear, her body stiffening as she saw the dried blood on the side of your face
>"Anon," she said calmly. "Why the buck is there blood on the side of your head?"
>In a flash her wing was off of your back and she pushed you further into the bed, worry and anger on her face
>You couldn't help but smile as she magicked up a wet towel and started to clean the blood off of you
>"Did somepony try to bucking jump you?! I swear to the stars if somepony was stupid enough to attack your flank..."
>Even though you knew this little horse liked to bust your balls at every opportunity it was nice to see that she actually really gave a shit about you
>Like really actually
>It warmed your heart and all of that sappy shit
"I saw your sister in the hall a couple of minutes ago," you told her as she moved your head side-to-side. "She asked me how the castle life was going, I told her that it was going great and she blew my eardrums out."
>"Of course she bucking did..." Luna muttered, her horn glowing
>You twitched slightly as you felt her magic against your head but eased up almost immediately
>Shit felt nice
"Yeah, and right after she took down the hall like her tail was on fire."
>Luna's magic washed over you for a few seconds more before she let out a grunt and cut off the spell
>"Speaking of ponies that need to get laid..."
"...We weren't talking about--"
>You grunt in surprise as Luna pushed you down onto the bed
>"I keep TELLING Tia to go and enjoy herself. It would ease her right and she'd stop all of that nonsense with you."
>Grumbling, Luna took off your shirt and started poking at you stomach
>"But NO, she insists on being a prude. I even offered to rut her brains out like a good sister--"
"That's not what good sisters do you dirty sl--"
>"Hush, I'm trying to see if you have any internal bleeding. And I'm an eons old mare that has powers far beyond your understanding, Anon. Just because I enjoy a good lay once in awhile doesn't mean I'm a slut."
>...
>...
>...
>This little nigga here JUST said that she offered to FUCK her sister
>She JUST DID THAT CASUALLY!
>AND YOU WALKED IN ON HER HAVING AN ORGY THE OTHER DAY!
>NOT TWENTY HOURS AGO!
>"Anon, calm down. I can nearly hear your thoughts they're so bucking loud."
>Giving your stomach a few pokes Luna let out a relieved sigh and let herself flop on top of you
>"You're fine. My sister must not have been close enough to do anything more than damage your ears."
>Her magic encases your hand and forced it onto her head as she settled herself
>"Pet me."
>You frowned
"Get off me."
>You tried to move your hand away but Luna's magic kept it firmly in place
>"No. I just offered to use my own body to relieve your pent up sexual desires--
"I do not have--"
>"--Like any good friend should. The least you could do is pet my mane for a little while you bucker."
>With a disgusted snort you started to do as she asked, running your fingers through her mane
>The two of you were silent for a little while, the only sounds in the room is the ticking of a clock and your breathing
>Finally, you open your mouth to speak
"...Why does your sister hate me so much, Lu?"
>Luna took in a deep breath before letting it out explosively
>"She's just being a silly filly, my little human. I'll go and talk to her about it later tonight to see if I can talk her down."
>Bringing up your other hand you double the scratchies
"I'd really appreciate it. I've been able to deal with Celestia but lately she's really busting my ass."
>A quiet giggle escaped Luna's throat as she nuzzled your bare chest
>"I'll bust your ass~"
>You flicked her nose
"Why the hell am I friends with you?"
>"Because I have a great plot and I'm the only pony that offers you sexual favors in return for ear scratches?"
>...Fucking Luna...