>You are the Princess of the Night, the Duchess of Dreams, the Mistress of the Moon, the Umbral...Umpire?
>...Celestia stole all your good titles during the whole ‘moon’ incident.
>Using your authority over all things nocturnal, you have declared this night to be Movie Night.
>Formerly known as Saturday night.
>The proclamation may not have escaped the walls of the castle, but that is only because the commoners don’t have access to these wondrous human movies on Anonymous’s magicless difference engine.
>”Sooo Moonie, what do you want to watch tonight?”
>The human sits before the screen, ‘scrolling’ through his vast library of movies while you sit by his side, your head poking over his shoulder.
>You’d ask if you could search yourself, but he always gets terrified whenever somepony else attempts to use his ‘computer,’ as he calls it.
>You still aren’t quite sure why, you’ve used countless of 'priceless' magical artifacts in your time. You know how delicate they can be!
“I’m in the mood for something a bit more contemporary. You wouldn’t happen to have anything like that, would you?”
>”Absolutely! Right here.” He selects the folder marked ‘Fantasy,’ the screen soon filing with small pictures of the various movies within.
“I said contemporary, not fantasy.”
>He looks at you, pausing for a moment. You can almost watch his thoughts form as he finds his voice, “Uuhh, yea, that was me goofing up when I named the folders. See? Lord of the Rings is right there.”
>Oh, you remember those movies. Specifically, the way your sister ruined the sofa when Shadowfax was introduced.
>You personally thought his face was horrendous. On top of that, he’s a mud pony.
>...Not that there’s anything wrong with that, in this day and age.
>”Sooo...animated, live action? We could always watch The Last Unicorn."
>You peer at the icon for that movie, trying to discern what kind of film it will be.
"That's not a documentary, is it?"
>Her constant insistence to watch only documentaries was exactly why Twilight Sparkle is no longer invited to movie night. It's the first time even your sister agreed that the little purple bore wasn't wanted.
>Anon shakes his head, "No, it's animated, we don't actually know what happened to the unicorns on Earth. Still, it's really well done, I think you two might like it."
>You pause, considering it. It may be well done, but with a name like that...
"I don't know, you said I would like Saw."
>He looks up from the screen, his hand squeezing the mouse in frustration.
>"I still stand you would have loved it if your sister hadn't ruined the twist two minutes in!"
>She always does that to try and show everypony she's not scared. You'd even believe her if you didn't know first hoof that she's had nightmares of the clown from that movie ever since you saw it.
>...You maaayyy be partly responsible for that.
>Old habits die hard.
"Regardless, with a title like that, it seems as though it'll be a sad movie...perhaps we should watch something that doesn't involve ponies as the main characters?"
>"Alright, we can do that..." He hunches over and starts digging through his collection again.
>"Hows about Dragonheart? It's about a dragonslayer who teams up with the last dragon."
>You deadpan, staring at him wordlessly until he finally looks up, "No?"
"Do you have anything that DOESN'T involve the last member of its respective species, or the end of an era, or the death of magic? I was hoping for something lighthearted."
>After a short pause, he gives you an, "Um..." and searches through his list of movies. After looking through the list twice, he says, "That you two haven't seen? No."
>You deflate, slumping down against him. You've had enough tragedy in your life for one eternity, you don't need any more.
>Sensing your disappointment, he spins his chair around. "Come on Moonie, if I could get any more, I would. It's just...kinda hard now. I don't exactly have a good internet connection in Equestria.
>You knew that running out of good human movies was inevitable. It comes with the whole 'immortality' deal.  Still...it hasn't been THAT long, has it?
>No, of course not. He's still alive, after all, and his thinking machine still holds mysteries.
>You should turn this around.
"Perhaps you should ask my sister what she'd like? She should be about ready to lower the sun."
>"You sure? We both know she'll just want another Rom-Com." He reaches a hand behind your horn and scratches behind your ear.
>You really should call him out on his old claim that, "belly rubs, nose boops, and ear scratches are just a polite thing to do human culture." There's never been any hint of that in any of his movies.
>...Next time. 
>Maybe.
"I wouldn't be too sure of that. I thought I heard her say she wanted to finally watch that Bane movie you keep quoting."
>He goes still, staring at you. A war rages behind his eyes, the redoubt of common sense defending valiantly against the invading hordes of desire.
>Unfortunately for him, desire has always been YOUR ally.
>"...Alright, you win. I'll go see what she's up for."
>You resist the urge to grin at your force's victory while he spins around and taps a combination of buttons that are impossible for ponies to reach to "lock" the computer.
>It's as though he doesn't trust you.
>He's right not to, this time.
"I'll wait here, then. Don't forget the popcorn!"
>You turn your ear to acknowledge his response, but you aren't listening. This is one of the rare moments when he's leaving you alone with the device.
>Once your acute hearing informs you that he's quite far away, you pounce on the computer, seizing the keyboard in your telekinetic grasp.
>There are only three ponies in Equestria tall enough to watch him type in his password, and you happen to be one of them.
>Within seconds you have access.
>The "mouse" joins the keyboard in your magical aura as you navigate through the hidden library of the device.
>In all your various expeditions into the computer's hidden depths, there has been only one "folder" that has eluded you. One which you have not been able to gain access.
>Until tonight.
>At speeds that would astound the average pony, you navigate through the maze of folders, your route memorized, until you find it.
>The only folder that demands a password.
>Using what knowledge of the device you've managed to gleam, you've set the country's top code breakers on the task of uncovering the keyphrase.
>It might not have been not the best use of the Kingdom's funds, but your sister tends to waste them anyway.
>”Universal Education” is such a ridiculous prospect.
>Besides, for all you know, this section of the machine is what contains the schematics to create more of them! Perhaps the blueprints to that "Firefly class ship" you saw last week!
>...Perhaps you simply aren't accustomed to beings keeping secrets from you.
>With the prompt up, you carefully type in the code that your team assures you will work:
>"IWTCIRD"
>With a disappointing lack of fanfare, the prompt vanishes, a new set of folders appearing before you.
>This...you've seen this set up before! This appears to be some television show he's hidden from you.
>Well, except for that first folder.
>You KNOW what the word "clop" means. Odd that he would use the pony version of that word.
>Surely "mlp" couldn't have stood for "Mankind's Last Pornography," could it?
>Perhaps you'll avoid that folder for right now.
>Your head buzzes with questions as you stare at the eight folders before you. Why would he hide a show from everypony? Surely it isn't pornogrqphic, is it?
>Why would humanity make such a thing, if it were? Even then, why would he feel the need to hide it from you and your sister?
>There is only one way to find out. You know what you three are going to watch tonight!
>You select the first season, followed by the first episode. No reason you can't take a peek while waiting for those two...
>In case it's something your sister wouldn't like! She IS prone to nightmares, after all.
>A cartoon version of a somewhat familiar book appears with a musical flourish. That's...odd.
>Usually human movies don’t have anything similar to Equestrian artwork.
>As the book opens, a narrator speaks up, "Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria-"
>WHAT.
>Your jaw hits the floor as the narrator-YOUR SISTER-begins to tell a...rather simplified story of you and your sister's cosmic duties.
>Your mind races. This show is just raising even more questions than it answers.
>...Wait, hang on. Did she just say you fell to madness because you were jealous ponies slept through your nights?
>That...that wasn't it at all! That completely ignores absolutely everything that was going on back then! You...
>You free the mouse of your telekinetic grip, having almost crushed the thing.
>NOW you understand why this was hidden. This is blatant propaganda!
>This filth is something your sister and Anon must have concocted while you were asleep! You should destroy this travesty. 
>Before...wait, is that Twilight?
>As the art style completely changes, your sister's voice ceasing, you're drawn back to the show.
>She's in on this too, hm?
>Perhaps this is a bit more involved than you thought. You...your safety might genuinely be at risk. This might be a precursor to you being ousted from the throne.
>Or a hint you aren't wanted.
>You watch, torn between a gnawing fear, a growing sense of outrage, and a constant companion of confusion as it follows Twilight "The Royal Attention Hog" Sparkle who quickly shows to be more abrasive than you've ever seen her.
>She really DOES abuse that dragon, doesn't she?
>If he wasn't an idiot, you'd be tempted to do something about that.
>"The longest day of the thousandth year..." Wait a second, you KNOW that prophecy! That's the only thing that kept you sane during your imprisonment!
>Relatively speaking, of course. This is...oh.
>This is the exact opposite of what you thought, isn’t it? It's going to show you, in all your glory, even when you were a bit...out there...and follow your return to your rightful place as co-head of Equestria!
>NOW you understand why the human hid it from you.
>All the movies Celestia enjoys show that human stallions tend to do some over the top thing to impress human mares they wish to date.
>You never knew he liked you that way.
>Speaking of the human, he'll be back soon. You should probably bring this back to the start and wait for them. You should...
>Your curiosity once again gets the better of you. You HAVE to know what you sound like. How horrifying the artist made you look.
>You start skipping ahead, searching for any sign of your appearance. There's a rather lengthy bit where Magical Mauve Mare runs across the other bearers of the elements, blah blah blah, you could care less.
>...Huh. Is that what your moon looked like from Equestria?
>Apparently your three hundred year attempt to draw a cock visible to the surface below was for naught.
>You're a tad disappointed that the only sign of your freedom is that image of you disappearing. It was a tad more dramatic, for you.
>Racing across the sky, wings catching air for the first time in a millennia, shooting raw magic everywhere and cackling like the madmare you were, while bringing death to...
>Right, that's probably why they skipped that bit.
>The mustangs never did recover from that. Or Withershire, for that matter.
>Still, that means that the next skip should do it.
>"-y beloved subjects."
>Hang on, is that supposed to be you?
>Your lips curl into a grimace as you appear on screen, in all your terrible glory.
>Or...so you'd have thought. The voice is absolutely horrendous, and the artist, rather than aiming for “terrible beauty,” just made you look downright sexy. They may have exaggerated the size of your eyes but you don't look nearly as monstrous as you should..
>He really put a lot of effort into making you seem less horrendous than you were. Is this a love letter, like you thought? Or is he just trying to help your public image?
>Either way, he certainly deserves a belly rub from you, for doing all this.
>You watch, rapt, as your first speech of your arrival is repeated verbatim, complete with the various ‘interruptions’ you faced.
>It would be eerie if the voice actress was anywhere near your actual voice. Instead, her every word grates at your nerves. You know you weren’t THAT hammy.
>"Anon, what show is this?"
>"Wha-oh god!”
>You whirl around to see Anon and Celestia, the former's face whiter than the latter's coat. A fallen bowl of popcorn levitates inches off the ground, surrounded by your sister's aura.
>Apparently you were so enraptured in your quest to satisfy your morbid curiosity that you missed their approach.
“Anon, who did you have play me? She’s absolutely dreadful, she doesn’t sound a thing like me!”
>As if to emphasise your point, your animated doppleganger starts up on the final speech that you spent a good seventy years “perfecting.”
>Why did you ever think having a catch-phrase was a good idea?
>Your sister cocks her head, ignoring the petrified human next to her as she listens, “What are you talking about? That sounds exactly like you did.”
>It’s at that point that the animated version of you says the aforementioned catchphrase before starting up an evil laugh. Your outrage at your sister’s comment overpowers your rising urge to cringe.
“I did NOT sound anywhere near that...that over the top!”
>You make sure to stomp your hoof to emphasise your point. Like a mature pony.
>Celestia gives you that condescending smile that always makes eternal night seem appealing. That means she’s going to change the subject in three...two...one...
>”What IS this anyway? I don’t remember seeing any movie like this before.”
>At least she’s trying.
“It appears to be an animated retelling of my return. You should know, sister, you recorded the prologue. Isn’t that right, Anon?”
>The poor human hasn’t moved once since his exclamation. You aren’t sure if he’s even blinked.
>Surely he didn’t think his “protection” would keep everypony out forever, did it?
>...Ooohh. He thinks you looked at his clop stash, doesn’t he? He obviously doesn’t realize you see worse on a nightly basis.
>Which you may, or may not participate in on an equally regular basis.
>Stars above, you wish somepony would dream of cuddles for once.
>If he's so worried, then maybe he’s the one who could use a good ear scratch.
>You may have hooves, but he always gives you those ear scratches to cheer you up, so you'd be willing to give it a try. It’s high time you return that favor.
>”I haven’t recorded anything,” your sister pipes up, disregarding the human’s silence, prompting a series of confusion-masking blinks from you. Ignoring Porchlight Spackle (you LOVE the nicknames Anon has for her) whining in the show behind you, you ask,
“Really? So you mean YOUR voice actress sounds absolutely spot on, whereas mine sounds like Matilda and Cranky on their wedding night?!”
>Now you can’t help but wonder if Anon was just lazy with your depiction. In that case, he won’t be getting any belly rubs from you.
>Celestia pauses, no doubt processing that mental image. "In...their defence, Luna..." Hah! You got under her skin, you win. 
>"Ponies have had more of an opportunity to practice mimicking my voice than yours. Especially your voice when you were...like that."
>...Horsefeathers. You can't argue with that logic.
"Fine. Anon, why didn't you just ask me? I would have been more than happy to ensure an accurate portrayal."
>Your direct question finally manages to make it past the human's thick skull. He jerks, his eyes tearing from the screen to look at you.
>"Surprise!" He shouts, followed by an odd sounding chuckle. "This-this was supposed to be a surprise for you two! You know, when the whole thing was done! I've been working with Twilight and her friends on this! To make a whole show on their adventures! You should probably turn it off, it's not done."
>His beady eyes seem to be as big as they can get as they dart between you and your sister, sweat pouring down his furless face.
>"Really? I'm surprised Twilight would agree to such a...controversial depiction of my sister." Alright, now she's just being condescending. You shoot her a dirty look, which she promptly ignores, as is typical. "I'll ask her who the voi-"
>"No!" Anon cries out, "Noo, no no, that'd be a bad idea!"
>Celestia simply looks at him and raises an eyebrow, prompting him to explain.
>"It's just that, you know, she was reeaally counting on being there for when you got to see it, she'd probably start freaking out when she finds out you two found them, probably blame me for setting a bad password, maybe you two should just let me close it now."
>"I don't know, I'd love to watch this for our movie tonight!" your sister pipes up, wrapping a wing around Anon, holding him to her side just as he started towards his computer.
>" I was the only pony involved who only got to hear second-hoof tales of what ACTUALLY happened...after all, I WAS trapped in a firey inferno for the whole thing. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."
>You wince at that.
>At the time, you were aiming for poetic justice, you hadn't quite realized that imprisonment on the sun was a whole other level of Tartarus than your moon was.
>"I...y-you sure?"
"It has my vote as well, Anon. I think it would be...interesting to see this from the other side."
>And with any luck, your sister will hate her portrayal as much as you have.
>"Come on, you're out-voted, come on to the couch, my little human."
>Silencing any further protests from the still stammering human, Celestia "guides" him with her wing, threatening to knock the silly bipedal Anon over on his face if he doesn't comply.
>It still amazes you how he manages to stand like a minotaur with no hooves or even a tail. 
>Once he's forced onto the couch, your sister pins him there by placing the popcorn bowl on his lap, effectively gluing him to the couch.
>After all, nopony could ever get up from the couch while holding the popcorn. It would be FAR too awkward to ask somepony else to hold it.
>That's why Celestia constantly tries to give it to you.
>You trot over to join the two of them, both of you sitting on either side of the trapped human. Using your magic to seize the mouse, you restart the video.
>The opening narration barely gets two words in before your sister exclaims, "You're right, this DOES sound just like me! I'm flattered!"
>You and your sister's habit of talking through movies are the reason you two are banned from most cinemas in Equestria.
>As you bury your face in the popcorn bowl to take a mouthful, Anon hisses in your ear, "How did you figure out the password?"
>You smirk as you chew the salty, buttery ambrosia. What does he think you are, mortal or something?
>Once you swallow that mouthful, you whisper back,
"I saw it in your dreams, Anon. You should know better than to hide something from the Sultana of Secrets."
>Oohh! That's a great title, you're gonna use that one instead of Umbral Umpire.
>He swallows hard before whispering back, "Ok, for the record, I don't ACTUALLY want to cum inside Rainbow Dash."
>The silly human's talking nonsense again, isn't he?
>You roll your eyes and place a forehoof on his stomach, starting the belly rubs he no doubt deserves for all this hard work.
>"Oh hey, it's Twilight! Did she do her own lines? Normally she's a terrible actor," exclaims your sister, seemingly enraptured by the show.
>Part of you is annoyed she had no comment on the reason for your betrayal. Perhaps a bit more than annoyed. Did she REALLY not know?
>You'll...bring that up afterwards. In private.
"I don't understand why she'd be reading a book like that in the middle of a field. Does she do that often?"

>You are Anonymous.
>You have not stopped screaming internally since you came back in the room.
>Why, WHY didn't you delete the pony stuff when you had the chance?! Why did you think it would be a good idea to save it?
>If she looked at the porn, you're so completely, utterly screwed.
>To make matters worse, she's now trying to crush your kidney with a hoof. She saw the porn, didn't see?
>At least they think you made the show.
>...That's going to change when the credits roll, isn't it?
>Fuck.