>Day of this shit don’t usually happen in Equestria
>”And that’s my situation, Anon.”
>You sip your iced tea and pinch yourself real quick
>You feel nothing
>This is real life then
>”Do you think you could give me some advice?”
>Seriously, you aren’t sure how to react to this
>Fluttershy just came over to your house today
>And instead of doing something weird like trying to guess your fetish, or smell your feet and underwear, or collect hair from your shower drain; she’s asking for your help
>Specifically on how to get someone to stop stalking her
>You check to make sure your tea isn’t “irony” flavored
>…
>It isn’t – its regular iced tea – funny right?
>Fluttershy meekly smiles at you and you rub your temples and sigh
“What do you want me to do?”
>”Well, you’re always able to rebuff my advances and still be my friend.”
>That’s kind of true
>Just as long as her shenanigans are limited to the morning
>When you are grumpiest 
>”I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Tree Hugger, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with her either. What do you think I should do?”
>You really wish she had asked Twilight for advice on something
>Then again you’re pretty sure Twilight is a virgin
>You set your tea down and sigh again
“Alright, have you told her no yet?”
>Fluttershy avoids your gaze, “Well –“
“Alright stop. You totally haven’t have you?”
>”I –“
“Tell her no.”
>”But what if she gets mad?”
“If she stops hanging out with you just cause you don’t want to date her then she’s a bitch.”
>Fluttershy sighs, “I don’t know.”
>This fucking horse sometimes
“Look Fluttershy, you’re just sending her mixed signals when you avoid the question like you’ve been doing.”
>You start pushing her towards the door
“Now I want you to go tell her that you aren’t interested in dating her, but that you’d love to still be friends.”
>You push Shy out and she just stands there with her head hung low
>Dammit
“It should seriously be just as simple as I explained it.”
>She turns to you and her knees start shaking, “Oh but what do I say? How do I say it? Should I do it the way we do it?”
>The way we do it?
>You think back to last week

>”Is anal vore your fetish, Anon?”
“No dammit! Get your ass away from me!”
>Fluttershy flies towards your face ass first and you duck and hear her crash into some pots and pans in your kitchen
>You quickly grab a frying pan from the floor as it skids towards you and you knock her ass out of the air when her ass charges at you again
>Dragging her by her mane you throw her out and ignore her screams
“If you ever try to shove my head up your ass again I’ll fucking kill you!”
>You slam the door and scream to the heavens above
>A timid squeak comes from behind the door
>”Are we still going to have lunch together?”
>You take a deep breath and punch the wall
“Yes you daft cunt!”
>”I’ll bring the drinks then.”
>You angrily stomp up the stairs to get some gauze for your bleeding knuckles 

“No I don’t think you should do it the way we do it.”
>Fluttershy swallows nervously and rubs her forearm
“Just tell her no and that you still want to be friends. Trust me, Fluttershy.”
>She nods and finally bites the bullet
>”I’ll do what you said, Anon.”
“It’ll be alright.”
>Shy blows you a kiss and then heads down the trail towards town
>Well that only took four hours
>Stupid friendly shy pony
>This Tree Hugger sounds like a really annoying pony too
>Who the fuck names their kid Tree Hugger?
>And you thought Fluttershy was a crappy name
>Suddenly you hear a rustling from the tree next to you
>Are there birds hopping in there?
>Then you hear the leaves shake one more time before you see a green pony slide down the trunk like a drop of water from the foliage above
>Her mane is a sort of redwood color and its tangled and curly like she’s from pony Jamaica 
>The mare hums and then pats the tree on the trunk
>”Your assistance totally aided my cause a lot.”
>Is she talking to the tree?
>And not the person standing next to her whose property she’s trespassing on?
>”As promised your efforts will be rewarded.”
>The mare pulls a kite from out of her stained and ripped pink dress and tosses it into your tree
>”Eat up you hungry soul. Feel the good vibes that come from a nice meal and let those roots grow and grow so that future generations can enjoy your fresh air righteous one.”
>The kite doesn’t move from the foliage and you’re pretty sure it’s stuck
>The dirty pony looks at you with a dazed smile and she takes a deep breath through her nose
>”Groovy day isn’t it?”
“Did you just throw a fucking kite in my tree?”
>The mare closes her eyes and slowly shakes her head
>”That tree does not belong to you. 
>”The soil and the sunlight are the only owners that tree has, and we are all just borrowing our air from its natural aura. 
>”It is a common mistake those not connected to nature make though.”
>…
>You fucking hate this pony
“Get that kite out of my tree.”
>”Do not worry green dude, the kite will return to the land through biodegradation as the elements have their way with it.”
“Exactly, I don’t want it to look like shit on my property. Get rid of it.”
>The mare sighs and you swear she was so fucking lazy she did it for a minute
>”You have quite the defensive aura for one who is alone in this world, but I suppose that is to be expected.”
“What did you –“
>”However, I feel that we are on the fast track to become friends you and I.”
>Yeah right
>”You have already helped me in a very substantial way, even if you don’t know it.”
“What?”
>The pony goes over and wraps her arm around the trunk of the tree she was just in
>The tree that STILL has a fucking kite stuck in it
>”Not to diminish the role that this precious disciple of Mother Nature played of course; you both helped immensely.”
>You’re going to cut that tree down later just to spite her
>Wait a second here
“Tree Hugger?”
>She smiles at you and the sun’s rays illuminate her frame
>Stupid nature
>”That is the name the world chose for me, and it is good.”
>Can’t she just say yes?
“Fluttershy doesn’t want to date you.”
>She rubbed her chin, “It would appear that way. It’s a real bummer cause I think we’d really be in sync with each other you know?”
“No, just leave her alone. You can keep being her friend if you want, but don’t bother her with any dating talk anymore. If she wanted you she’d let you know.”
>You shiver
“Trust me on that.”
>The mentally retarded pony stumbles towards you and places her hoof over your heart
>You give her a dirty look but her eyes are closed and she’s mumbling something
>And…
>Oh fuck she smells awful
>Like salty musk, caked in dirt and shit, inside a sour sweaty armpit
>You have to tell her she…
>Hold on a second here
>You look and see a little black dot run by her eye
>Holding your nose you take a closer look and see lots of little black dots running through her coat
“Are those fleas?”
>She doesn’t even open her eyes
>Holy shit Fluttershy told you that a pony would have to not shower for like a month to get fleas
>Does this mare seriously think that anyone would want to fuck her?
>Let alone a former model like Fluttershy?
>”I understand it all now.”
>Yeah, so do you
>”By examining your aura through meditation I have discovered the lock that is keeping your key away from, Fluttershy.”
>Nobody wants to fuck someone who smells like shit
>”And in discovering this route past your insecurity we can both achieve the nirvana in our viaduct dreams.”
>Or someone who can’t keep a conversation going without being an annoying twat
>”The reason your heart is locked away is because you have yet to experience a love strong enough to break through the thick armor of rejection that hides your feelings and bars you from intimacy.”
>Or someone who is so self-absorbed that they assume their way is right even when it isn’t
>You look up and see that the kite is still stuck in your tree
>”Because of this armor you have yet to discover an emotional maturity where you feel comfortable fooling around with the opposite sex. I think this is also why you continually rebuff Fluttershy’s advances.”
>Wait a second
>Has this pony been talking about you this whole time?
>”Being lusted after by a female, especially one who is a different species, must be a very confusing and frustrating feeling for you.”
>Did she just…
>”The best method to get you past this emotional barrier, and to get what I desire as well, would probably be the combined efforts of two hearts.”
>Two hearts?
>Is she…
>”I think that mellow grin you’re wearing is a confirmation of my speculations, righteous.”
>Threesome?
>The mare slides up the trunk of the tree and goes into the foliage again
>”I will arrange this get together then and see you later on my wavelength green one.”
>Oh god no
>You can feel your pants tightening and your balls ache at the thought of being double teamed
>Two tongues stroking your – 
>No!
>Not with Fluttershy
>You can’t send off those mixed signals after all you just told her
>Even if she totally just found your…
>You swallow nervously
>Even if that’s your fetish
>You look up in the tree and see no sign of the crazy hippie pony
>She also didn’t take the kite out of your tree
>But you’ll complain about that later
>You head towards town
>You have to find Fluttershy before that weirdo does first

>On a different wavelength you are Tree Hugger
>The green biped was a bit uptight – kind of a stiff – but Fluttershy totally digs him though
>You think with the combined efforts of you and Fluttershy you can bring him to embrace the natural feelings he’s been pushing away for so long
>There’s a feeling in your chest that tells you Fluttershy is probably looking for you in town
>And that the biped is probably going to try and convince Fluttershy that you are a square
>But you wanted to take the long way back to town and push away the uptight feelings
>There’s no rush for this
>You smell the wonderful fresh air and feel the vibrations of the wind as it shakes the trees and stirs the land
>Your heart dances at the thought of Fluttershy walking with you on this sunny world
>Her meek smile, soft bright blue eyes, swirly pink hair like a fruity yogurt
>She totally makes you feel like being natural
>But she’s a little uptight too
>However, now that you’ve found her wild side you can help her be free
>You shake your lovely dreads and stroll through the rows of trees towards town
>Well, you think this is the right way anyway
>Nothing to get down about
>You’ve got good vibes about all this

>You are Anon
>And after running through town for like an hour you finally found Fluttershy at Carousel Boutique
>You have no fucking idea why she’d be there
>But you drag her out and put your hands on your hips as she looks down
“Why were you there and not looking for, Tree Hugger?”
>She tapped her hooves, “Well I thought I should look my best when I delivered the bad news.”
>Fucking hell
“No! That’s sending mixed signals again, Fluttershy.”
>”Oh, but I didn’t want her to think that I wasn’t taking this seriously.”
“But you aren’t taking it seriously; you’re trying to show her that you want to be comfortable, but not intimate, with her.”
>She sniffled, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. In fact I need your help.”
>”Really, is something wrong?”
“Well…”
>How are you going to explain this?
>Your friend found out my fetish and wants all three of us to have sex
>God that bed would be cramped
>Two girls in both arms while theirs are reaching – 
>No!
>Think of something else dammit
>You look at Fluttershy who is eyeing you curiously
>Are you just standing there looking like a dipshit?
>”Are you alright, Anon?”
>You can feel sweat running down your brow
>Suddenly your back starts itching like crazy
>You can already see both of them on their backs as you head – 
>You have to get out of here!
“I have to go talk to, Twilight.”
>Fluttershy says something but you ignore it and speed walk away with your head in your shoulders and your boner in the waistband of your pants
>You have to make sure you get this right with Fluttershy
>She can’t know your fetish
>And she can’t know about Tree Hugger’s plans
>But she has to make it clear that she isn’t interested in Tree Hugger
>She can’t see her though cause then Tree Hugger will tell Shy her plan
>This is absolutely fucked
>How are you going to get out of this one?
>Fluttershy has to make it clear that she isn’t interested without seeing her
>How would one go about doing that?
>Well if it was someone as shy and anxious as Fluttershy she’d probably write them or – 
>Holy shit that’s it
>Fluttershy will write Tree Hugger a letter explaining why they can’t be together
>And then you can convince Fluttershy to move somewhere far away for a while just to make sure they have no accidental meetings
>That should be easy enough
>You’ll just tell her long distance relationships are your fetish or something
>Alright now you just have…
>Why did you walk away when that crazy hippie pony is on the loose?!
>You turn around and indeed see that Fluttershy isn’t where she was
“Fluttershy!”
>You run over there and see no trace of her
“Fluttershy?”
>On the wall by where she was you see a piece of paper hanging
>You don’t think that was there before
>Upon further inspection you see that it’s a note
Anon, please meet me at your house so we can talk about what to do with Tree Hugger. – Fluttershy
>Well you’re fucked
>She definitely knows your fetish now
>That hippie pony won
>Might as well get this over with
>You sulk all the way home
>Thinking about how relentless Fluttershy will probably be now that she knows your fetish
>She’ll never stop thinking of sex for a second now
>And that nasty hippie is probably in your house now
>Getting flea eggs in your carpet and stinking up your home with her gross natural musk
>Those two are probably both on your bed
>Getting themselves ready for you
>Probably kissing each other and just dying for a good f – 
>Not right now please!
>You’re trying to be sad here
>You approach your doorstep and sigh as you see some muddy hoof prints on your porch
>That hippie probably tracked mud inside too
>And sure enough that kite is still stuck
>The tree starts rustling – despite the lack of a breeze – and you watch as the kite gets pulled into the foliage and sticks and string from the kite fall to the ground
>You swear you hear a burp as well
>Well then…
>Maybe you shouldn’t fuck with that tree after all
>You snap out of it and open the door
>Sure enough you follow the muddy hoof prints to your bedroom door
>You put your ear up to the door and try to guess as to what they’re doing in there
>They’re probably muzzle deep in each other’s p – 
>Damn this fetish!
>Moaning and sweating while they think of your eventua – 
>That nasty hippie is bringing fleas in your house and all you can think about is how she’s probably real eager to guide your member into Fluttershy’s – 
>That’s it!
>It’s way too hard to go down now
>You open the door and find them on the bed waiting for you
>Fluttershy sees you and smiles coyly
>”I hope you don’t mind if we all sleep together for a little while.”
>She looks to Tree Hugger, “Was that good? Did I say it right?”
>Treehugger puts a hoof on Shy’s mouth and gives you a smug smile
>”Come frolic with us, Anon. Only with your help can our auras mix together in the best way.”
>She pats the spot in between them and you feel your boner twitch at the thought of them taking you
>This is everything you want
>You have to take it
>Who cares if it’s with two ponies you don’t really think of in that way
>Fluttershy looks at you eagerly; her eyes half-lidded in a false seductress look that makes you look her up and down
>The longer you stare at her the quicker her sultry look fades
>You quickly steal a glance at Tree Hugger
>The hippie pony is looking solely at Fluttershy now – a pony who is currently entranced with you – but she could care less
>Plastered on her face is a goofy grin and focused intent eyes that refuse to look elsewhere
>You can see her desire; the way she looks at her like she wants to be closer to her than anyone else at that moment
>And then you look at Fluttershy and you see the same look in her
>At you
>Those soft blue eyes that look up at you and that small smile that has nothing but praise for you
>That face that you turn down every day
>Just so you can be sure that that smile is real
>You can’t do this
>As you approach the bed Tree Hugger licks her lips and lunges at Fluttershy’s neck
>But before she can assault it with kisses she yelps as you grab hold of her mane
>Her nasty tangled greasy mane
>Oh god you can feel the fleas climbing up your arm
>You quickly pull her out the bed and drag her out of your room
>”Anon what are you doing?!” Fluttershy screams.
>Tree Hugger’s screams echo off the walls as you drag her down the stairs and hear her thumping down each step
>You bring her into the kitchen and open the door to your freezer and throw her in
>”Why are you denying your –“
>You slam the door 
>And they told you a walk in freezer was a dumb thing to have in your house
>You showed them wrong
>Fluttershy enters the kitchen and glares at you
>”What did you do that for?”
“What specifically?”
>”You hurt Tree Hugger…”
>She trembles and squints to fight back some tears
>”And me.”
>You sigh
“Remember what I said earlier about being honest and not sending mixed signals?”
>She meekly nodded
“I should’ve followed my own advice. Back at Carousel Boutique I wanted to tell you that Tree Hugger found out my fetish and wanted to use me to get to you, but I hesitated cause I didn’t want you to know that she’d found out.
“I figured I’d never get any rest if you knew.”
>You take her hoof in your hand and stare into those eyes; tears streaming down them as she frowns
“Look, I’m sorry Fluttershy, but even with you knowing my fetish, there’s just no way that we’re ever going to be together.”
>Her jaw drops and she starts shivering
>Then she falls down on her rump and hangs her head
>”I thought once I knew… when she came to me and said she’d found it I…”
>You pat the seat next to you on the floor and she looks down before limping over
>She snuggles up to your side and you drape your arm over her
“I want to be friends still, I really do, but you knowing my fetish is really going to make that hard.”
>Fluttershy doesn’t say anything
“I like you for you, I always will, just not in that way.”
>The Shy pony gets up and sulks out of your kitchen
>You hear the front door open and close and you’re left to sit there and ponder all that has happened
>”Let me out of here!”
>You hear Tree Hugger pounding on the freezer door
“Not until all those fleas are dead! There’s running water and some soap in there too that I want you to use!”
>Your cleaning supplies from when Fluttershy rubbed all of your food on her vagina
>Although you doubt that hippie pony even knows how to bathe

>Fluttershy exhales, “So that’s my situation. Does anypony want to help?”
>The five girls avoid Fluttershy’s gaze as they search the room, except for Pinkie who is playing with a paddleball
>”Um, Pinkie Pie?”
>”So let me get this straight,” says Pinkie as she pulls out her bubble pipe. “You want to have fun with just the three of us? Me, you, and Nonny?”
>Fluttershy nods and Pinkie smiles.
>”Of course I’ll help you then, Fluttershy.”
>”Really? Oh that would be wonderful.”
>Pinkie gasps, “But wait. Why stop at just three when you could have four, or five, or even six?!”
>”Pinkie –“
>”It could even be a party! Oh my gosh Fluttershy you have to let me turn this into a party.”
>”I don’t –“
>”I have to go get streamers and party poppers,” she says as she runs out the door. “Don’t start without me!”
>Fluttershy sighs and looks at the other girls with puppy dog eyes.
>”Darling while the idea of a threesome does sound rather adventurous I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn it down. And I also don’t want to be anywhere near those disgusting fleas.”
>”Yeah me too sugar cube. Ah don’t think I’d feel comfortable bein’ with you and Anon when it’s a relationship you want.”
>”Anon is cool and all but I don’t really want to, like, let him rut me or anything. No offense, Fluttershy.”
>Fluttershy looks to Twilight expectantly.
>”How about you, Twilight? Are you sure you wouldn’t want to do it for research purposes or something?”
>”I’m going to have to decline as well, Fluttershy.”
>”Are you sure you don’t want to think about it? It would be a new experience for you.”
>”I’ve had sex.” Twilight blurts out.
>Fluttershy puts a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, “I was talking about the threesome. I didn’t mean to imply that you were a v –“
>”I know that,” she interrupts with a blush. “I don’t want fleas in my mane, that’s all.”
“I don’t see why I had to be here for this.”
>The others all start finding excuses to leave as you, Fluttershy, and Twilight hang back in the throne room of her castle
“Are you done now, Fluttershy?”
>”Um…”
>She blushes and begins chewing on her hooves as she desperately searches for a way for this to work
>Suddenly Spike walks in with a stack of books
>”Spike do you want –“
>You, Spike, and Twilight all scream “No” in unison
>Fluttershy gives a quiet apology and you get up to leave
“Well I’m going home, Fluttershy.”
>You have to hurry and get your mail before Derpy makes her second round and forgets that it isn’t outgoing and takes your bills away again
>”Are we still on for supper, Anon?”
“Yeah sure.”
>…
“But don’t bring anyone.”
>You hear her sigh and you roll your eyes
>You arrive at home and grab the mail
>Before you go inside you open a trunk on your porch and pull out a brand new kite
>And you throw it into the foliage of the tree next to you and head inside as you hear the leaves rustle
>If you don’t feed that tree once a week it’ll just start tapping your window relentlessly with its branches
>In your bedroom you start going through your mail
>You scratch the flea bites on your leg as you sort through the junk and the bills
>Equestrian fleas are something else
>You’ve cleaned this carpet at least twenty times in this last month and you still have fleas
>This whole carpet will probably have to be ripped away
>Something in the mail catches your eye; specifically a green envelope
>You open it and find what looks like a packet inside; the pages held together with string through a hole punch
>It says it’s from Tree Hugger
>Think of the devil you suppose
>The first page is a letter telling you about how she was approached by a stallion at her commune after you forced her to bathe herself
>She goes on to say she’s in a relationship now and she knew that the “good vibes” from your actions would help her out in the long run
>And the rest of it just looks like free verse new age poetry and random sketches of nature, fertility and female anatomy
>Well you know what to do with this
>You toss it in the waste basket and throw a lit match in so nobody will be exposed to the imagination of that weirdo
>The smoke starts to fill the room and you get up to open a window
>But wait…
>This smoke seems familiar
>Like it’s really thick and woodsy
>Kind of smells like the halls of your college dorm
>And shit all this standing is wearing you out
>You go lie on the bed and stare at your ceiling
>That spackle looks like some dude getting a blowie from an octopus
>Fuck now you can’t stop laughing
>For some reason you’re starving
>You wonder if you have any chips
>Man you gotta hear some tunes right now
>Totally have to go looking for records…
>Maybe later
>Is that paper still burning?
>The smoke is starting to hang around the top of the ceiling
>It’s like fog or something
>Pretty cool
>You hear someone open your door 
>Shit man who the fuck is that?
>”Anon are you ready?”
>That voice is Fluttershy’s
>Alright that’s cool
>God you’re thirsty
>Like some kinda desert oasis in your mouth
>Wait oasis is like water 
>Shit now you’re laughing again
>Fluttershy opens the door and gasps for some reason
>”Anon what happened? Did you do this?”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
>Fluttershy grabs your wastebasket and runs off with it
>Guess you’ll have to get another…
>Maybe later
>She comes back and opens up a window
>Fuck that breeze is cool today
>”Anon why did you burn that paper Tree Hugger sent you?”
>Fluttershy is all sad and stuff
“Just relax and let’s get something to eat.”
>”Anon?”
“I don’t know if I have any snacks, but I’ll definitely go get some later.”
>Fluttershy closes the door and locks it
>Then she gets in your face 
>God those eyes are adorable
>Even when they’re all sad and shit
>”Anon that was hemp paper. You may be feeling strange right now, but I’m going to help you get through this.”
“I’m starving.”
>”I know sweetie.”
>She hugs you and pets your back
>”It’s going to be alright.”
>It is?
>…
>Awesome
>You pull her close to you and run your fingers through her soft yogurt mane
“I’m glad you’re my friend, Fluttershy.”
>She kisses you on the cheek and you feel your smile fade away
>Why would she do that?
>Fluttershy’s demeanor goes blank and she hides behind her mane
>”I’m sorry I did that, Anon. I just –“
>You burst out laughing for some reason and Fluttershy looks at you with confusion
>Then she slowly starts to blush and giggle softly with you
>”I’m glad we’re friends too, Anon.”
>You spend the rest of the day hanging out with, Fluttershy
>But you sure wish you had some damn snacks right now