>You woke up in a sweat, breathing heavily.
>Something didn’t feel right.
>It was almost as if you could feel the tapestry of your life was being woven by some vindictive and impalpable being bent on destroying you.
>You shook it off with an effort of reason and decided to get up and start the day.
>You were having a yard sale out front to make some extra cash.
>It seemed like a good idea. You just took some stuff that was lying around the house and put price tags on them.
>You got dressed and walked into the kitchen. 
>Though, for some reason you couldn’t seem to stop sweating.
>Your roommate, Maud, was in the kitchen, reading the paper and eating plain oatmeal.
Morning.
>“Hello, Anonymous,” she said plainly, and without looking up from the paper.
Is it just me or was it hot this morning? you asked as you wiped your sweaty brow.
>She didn’t answer. You saw a plate of eggs and a glass of water waiting for you at the table.
Oh, thanks, Maud.
>She turned the page of her newspaper.
>Not much for conversation, that ol’ Maud. But she was always a good listener.
>You sat down and grabbed the knife and fork that were set for you next to the plate.
>The eggs were good, but the water was warm.
>You wiped your sweaty brow with the white-cloth napkin the silverware was on.
Anyway, I hate to seem like a broken record, but does it seem hot to you today?
>“You ask me that every day,” she said. “We live in a dormant volcano, Anonymous.”
Yeah, it sure seems like it sometimes, you said with a chuckle.
>Maud turned to the next page of her newspaper.
>“I dug this cave we’re living in over two years ago, out of the side of Mt. Hlot Cre-vice, so that I could study and catalogue the gems in the nearby sand bars. 
>“I don’t know why you always forget that.”
These are good eggs, Maud, you said kindly to try and make conversation.
>You took another bite.
I wouldn’t mind if you cooked more often. I’m actually getting kind of tired of having pizza every night.
>Maud peered over her paper and looked at a remote corner of the kitchen at where you had piled the old pizza boxes once they were empty.
>The stacks were high enough to reach the ceiling now.
>“I’m also tired of pizza,” she said, returning to her paper.
And it’s such a long walk to the pizza places in town, too, you said with a nod. It’s best if you cook more often, I think.
>“I didn’t make those eggs.”
>Pause in mid-chew. 
You didn’t make these eggs?
>She turned the page of her newspaper.
Then, who did?
>A strange voice behind you said:
>“Why, it was me all along, Anonymous!”
>And you started choking on the piece of egg that was in your mouth, when you heard Rarity’s voice.
>Thrashing in your seat, you fell to the floor and caught a sideways glimpse of her obliviously happy face, and her frilly apron that had ‘Kiss the Fabulous Cook” stitched in front.
>“I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to know that you like my cooking, Anonymous. 
>“You know, mother always said that the ladies in our family have never been good cooks, but that they appreciated good taste and always noticed the finer details. But . . .”
>As your chest started to convulse, and you could feel the world fading away, you wondered, in that brief moment as the weight of death smothered you, if you could somehow take Rarity with you.
>“Anyway, I thought that it would be good to make breakfast for us all, so that we’d all have our energy for the coming day’s yard sale.”
>Rarity? At your yard sale!
>A great and terrible rage inside of you forced you to scream.
>That force pushed the piece of egg out of your throat, and then tossed it up into the air.
>It fell back down onto your cheek with a wet thud, and Rarity grimaced at the sight of it.
>“Anonymous, I know you like my cooking, but do make sure that you chew your food properly after every bite.”
>You wiped your face and got up to gripe.
>You told Rarity, very belligerently, that you did not want her at your yard sale, and that if you had had your way she would have been in jail and became some rough dyke’s girlfriend by now.
>And during your harangue, she pretended to listen while she cleared the table and gave the kitchen a much needed general cleaning.
So, all in all, you said conclusively, I don’t want you at my yard sale.
>“Yes,” she said without looking at you. “Could you put those cleaning solutions away for me please?”
>You looked and saw that you were holding a bunch of cleaning solutions in your arms.
>“There, now doesn’t that look better?” she said with satisfaction, as she took off her apron.
>You looked around the kitchen and were happily surprised to see it so clean.
Wow.
>“Oh, is the gentleman impressed now?”
Yeah. You even got those dirty porcelain thingies out of the sink.
>“The dirty dishes, darling.”
>“No,” said Maud, turning over the paper.
>“Anonymous refuses to acknowledge their existence,” she said. “I’m obliged to you for cleaning them, Rarity. The smell was awful, and was the reason I’ve had a temper lately.”
>“Oh, I hardly even noticed a change in your attitude, dear,” said Rarity.
>“That’s polite of you to say, Rarity.”
Maud, if you hate the smell so much, why don’t you just let me use the paper plates you buy?
>Maud sighed, folded up the newspaper, and placed it under her arm.
>She left the room, and said to you:
>“Do not start with me today.”
>After she left, Rarity gave you a worried look.
>“Do you think she’s mad?” 
>Then, after some silence, “No, I’m really asking you if you think she’s mad. I can’t read her at all.”
Um, I don’t think so.
>“Oh, thank goodness. I wouldn’t want to be caught in the middle—”
But I am. Rarity, you’ve been ignoring me this whole time when I say that I don’t want you at my yard sale.
>“But I already took the liberty of setting up all of my items next to yours.”
You what?
>She hugged your leg affectionately, and said that surely a gentleman like you wouldn’t throw out a lady that had already made plans to have a good time with the man she admired so much.
>She looked up at you, with her blue eyes shimmering with pleading sincerity.
I told you no.
>“Well, then let me be blunt,” she said, pushing herself off of you.
>“The price tags on your items cannot possibly be understood by anypony. I take it you still haven’t learned how to write down the Equestrian numerical system.”
>She led you outside to your set up, which was nothing fancy. You just laid down an old sheet and spread your items out evenly.
>But you could see that, next to your stuff, Rarity had set up her own items.
>They were on top of three card tables, set next to each other vertically and covered with a long plastic tablecloth.
>Her items were mostly kitschy knick-knacks and old textiles, nothing good.
>But they had flair, and you could even see there was a sign next to her table that said ‘Fabulous Corner’ on it.
>You didn’t think it was healthy to be so angry in the morning.
>But unfortunately Rarity was right. You didn’t know how to write down the ass-backwards symbols that they used for numbers here.
>Or, rather, you’ve never tried to.
>So you and her worked out a deal: she got to stay if she helped you price all of your items.
>You sat down, drank lemonade, and supervised while she grabbed your items one at a time and brought them to you for pricing.
>She brought a water bottle over to you.
>“How much for this empty gallon-of-milk container?”
That’s a water bottle. And three bits.
>She wrote down what the Equestrian numerical system deemed a three on the tag—and it looked like someone tried to draw the noodles of a bowl of ramen.
>She grimaced as she put the water bottle down. 
>“No, that is not a water bottle. It’s an empty milk jug.” 
>She held her nose closed and her voice was nasally. 
>“And it’s disgusting. You could’ve at least washed it out first.”
Don’t see the point of that, when they’re going to put water in it themselves anyway.
>“Anonymous, do you really think that any of this garbage you’re trying to get rid of will sell?”
Haven’t you ever heard that old adage, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure?
>“More like one pony’s trash is another pony’s problem,” she grumbled as she picked another item.
>“Well, how much for—hey, this lamp was my gift to you for your birthday!”
Put that in the free pile.
>She huffed angrily.
>“You know, despite your obvious ill-treatment towards me, I do believe that having a yard sale together will be a lovely bonding experience for the two of us.”
Yeah, well . . .
>You stopped when a loud rumbling sound came from the earth below.
>The ground shook and trembled, sending your vision into a vibrating fit and making the air roar like the ocean.
>Then, as soon as it started, it stopped.
>Rarity had grabbed onto your neck in fright sometime during the tremor, and was holding herself close to you.
>When it stopped she looked around, and then up at you with worry.
>“What on earth was that?”
>You shrugged and said it was probably an earthquake.
You can let go now, you said as you tried to pry her off.
>“Oh, but you’re so cozy,” she cooed as she snuggled your neck. “See? We’re bonding already.”
I wouldn’t count on it, you said as you pushed her off.
>“We shall see.” 
>She went back to your pile. 
>“Now then, how much for these old newspapers?”
Those aren’t old. They’ve got today’s date on them.
>“Yes,” she said dully, “you scribbled out the old dates and literally wrote ‘Today’s Date’ on them.”
Pretty clever of me. I’d say two bits for each, or five bits for the pair of three.
>“There are only two papers here.”
Um, no. There should be—oh, dammit! Maud, give me my merchandise back! you said as you ran into the house.
>You came back with Maud and the newspaper. 
>She grabbed some weird wooden-tribal mask out of your pile of stuff.
>“Something has come up. I need this for the ritual,” she said as she put it on.
Whatever, that was in the free pile anyway.
>Maud left and you and Rarity, after you took many lemonade breaks, finished pricing your stuff.
>Rarity wiped some sweat off her brow and sat next to you.
Is it hot today to you, too?
>“Well, I was fine until I had to spend two hours pricing your trash,” she said meanly.
>She frowned at you and you awkwardly offered her a glass of lemonade, which she just sighed at. 
>She regarded the sale in front of her worriedly.
>“I hope this hasn’t all been for naught.”
Hey, I told you that I wasn’t going to like you any better, even if you think that this is going to be a good bonding experience for us.
>“I wasn’t talking about that,” she said coldly.
>She looked thoughtful after this, but her silence made you feel awkward.
Well, I probably should at least thank you for pricing my stuff, you said begrudgingly.
>All you got from her was an expectant look.
Fine. Thank you for pricing all of my merchandise, Rarity.
>“You’re quite welcome,” she said happily.
>But then she looked at the back road, which takes you to town from your mountain home on the outskirts, worriedly.
>“I do wonder why it is that we haven’t yet had a single customer, though.”
>She looked to you, and you just shrugged.
>“Do you think that maybe your home is just too far off the beaten path for anypony to make the venture?”
Maybe. None of the pizza places deliver to my house, you said helpfully.
>“I wonder if there could be a way to help encourage them to come. Tell me, what did you write on the signs that you put around town to advertise your yard sale?”
>You blinked stupidly.
Signs?
>“Yes, dear. What did you write on the signs you put around town, were the directions accurate and easy enough to follow, did you give them some idea of what to expect of your, um, merchandise?”
>You rubbed your chin thoughtfully.
That would’ve been a good idea.
>“Well, I’m glad you think so. Which one of my suggestions were your signs lacking?”
I didn’t make any signs.
>Rarity’s eyes wandered nervously, but she forced herself to smile politely and look at you again.
>“I don’t think I heard you right,” she said with strained politeness. “Could you repeat that?”
I didn’t make any signs. It probably would’ve been a good idea to though, huh, you said with an awkward laugh.
>Rarity stopped smiling politely.
>“Oh, how could you be such an imbecile,” she said. “I can’t believe I spent all this time setting up both our yard sales for nothing.”
>Her face began twitching, as if her skin was vibrating all over just to get rid of all of the malice she felt towards you.
Hey, we might get some stragglers in.
>“Stragglers don’t have money, Anonymous!”
>She sank into her seat next to you, mumbling angrily all the while.
>You sipped at your lemonade and pretended not to notice.
So, how come you almost let me die this morning by choking? you said helpfully, to try and make conversation.
>“We need to make some signs,” Rarity said shortly. “Go and get something big to write on, and some markers.”
What, do you think I’m a king or something? I don’t have anything like that.
>“Then you’ll have to go to the store and buy some.”
Um, Rarity, people have yard sales to make money, not to spend it.
>She turned on you angrily.
>“I am not having all of that time that I took into setting up our wares wasted. So get up!”
What a lovely bonding experience this is for us, you said under your breath.
>Just then Maud came outside, and she was holding black markers and some sizeable cardboard squares.
>“You can borrow some of my arts and crafts materials, if you’d like. I always keep some close by in case Pinkie Pie comes over for a visit.”
>“Oh, thank you so much, Maud,” said Rarity. “You don’t know how close I was to losing it just then.”
>“Yes, I do,” Maud said; but Rarity was so elated to have the materials that she never heard Maud say that.
>Rarity split the materials between you two, and you cleared the table that the lemonade had been on so you could set the materials down.
Hey, what should I write down?
>“Don’t you remember my suggestions from earlier?”
Well, yeah. But why should all of our signs be the same? Maybe I could, like, personalize mine.
>Rarity pursed her lips at you.
Okay, I know you’re thinking that I’m going to write something dumb. But I’m not.
>“I’ll be the judge of that,” she left on, as she went back to her own sign.
>So you made some signs and Rarity made some, and she was looking over yours.
>“Okay, let’s see here. This one reads ‘Super Yard Sale’ . . . and that’s all it says.”
Yeah, you know, since we’ve got, like, my yard sale and yours. You know, two for the price of one.
>“Uh huh,” she said dully. “And this one says ‘Two for the Price of One’, lovely.”
I figured a deal as good as that needed two signs. Keep going, I’ve got an ‘Eat at Joe’s’ one in there somewhere.
>“Anonymous, I must ask you something before I continue. Are all of your signs confusing?”
Well, no, you said uneasily. See, the next one has an arrow on it.
>“Yes, it does have an arrow on it.” 
>She turned the sign over and sighed.  
>“And that appears to be all that it has on it.”
It’s a mystery arrow, you said suavely. People are going to want to know what the arrow leads to, and then they’ll find us.
>“Anonymous, you don’t know how lucky you are to have grown up handsome.”
>Maud had agreed to take your signs into town for you.
>She came by eventually and took your signs, and Rarity’s ‘Fabulous Yard Sale’ signs, as well as her own signs, which said ‘The End is Neigh’ on them.
>When you asked her what her signs meant, she simply said that the ritual had failed and left it at that.
>“Now we just have to wait for her to come back with some customers,” said Rarity.
>Just then the immense rumbling came back again.
>A violent shifting noise, like mountains crashing into each other, came from behind you, and a deafening explosion shattered the air.
>You turned and saw that the top of the dormant volcano had exploded, and a thick snake of black smoke was churning out of the enormous jagged crater.
>You and Rarity stared in shock.
How did that happen?
>You pointed to the smoke and turned to Rarity.
Did you leave the stove on after you made my eggs or something?
>“Don’t be a fool,” Rarity shouted, panicked. “We have to get out of here.”
>“Wait.”
>Behind you was Maud, and a group of ponies that were all holding clipboards, and wearing goggles and lab coats.
>Obviously, they were scientists.
>Maud looked at you both.
>“We may need the two of you to make the ultimate sacrifice.”
>Maud explained that the volcano was technically dormant, but that it was also technically cursed because the south side of the mountain was in the Everfree Forest.
>And now, the dark magic from the soil of the Everfree had brought the volcano back to life, and it was ready to bring destruction to this side of Equestria.
>Somehow you were able to hear Maud say all of this, in her plain and quiet voice, while the eruption was happening behind you.
So, what are we supposed to do?
>“If the volcano has been brought back through dark magic, then only a pure act can quell its fury and break the curse.”
Like what?
>“Two virgins, of different sex, need to sacrifice themselves to the volcano in a union of death.”
>The scientists were staring at you and Rarity.
>The two of you stared back.
Um, so are two of you guys going to do it or something?
>The scientists snickered at this.
>“Anonymous,” said Maud, “we’re geologists.”
>Maud looked into the camera. 
>“And everypony knows that geologists rock harder than anypony else.”
Well, how bad would it be if we just, I don’t know, let the volcano do its thing?
>“Anonymous,” said Rarity, placing her hoof on your thigh, “it’s obvious what we need to do together.”
>You sighed heavily.
You’re right. I’ll grab the water bottle.

>“I meant that we should have very passionate sex,” said Rarity indignantly. “Not that we should seriously hike up a ten-thousand-foot volcano together, just so we could kill ourselves.”
Quit griping, you said, as you jumped up and off your hanging spot to grab the lip of the cliff you were ascending.
>You pull yourself and Rarity up onto the top of the cliff and roll to safety.
>She got up and dusted herself off as you laid there on the rocks to catch your breath.
>You opened your water bottle and took a drink.
>The sky was completely covered in black smoke now.
>The two of you were getting close to the top.
>Rarity started undoing your belt buckle with her magic, but you grabbed it and cut off her magic.
>“Oh come on. Think of how tired and sore you must be.”
>She leaned down and rested her head on your thigh, eyeing your crotch. 
>“Wouldn’t it be nice if I—”
>You held out the water bottle to her, and one smell of it sent her into a gagging fit.
I really wish you would stop trying to have sex with me. Our virginity is literally the only thing keeping Equestria from fiery destruction.
>She whined and sat down, dejected.
>“It’s just not fair,” she said. “Here I spent all this time being with you, flirting with you, trying to get on your good side—and now we’re both going to die without having tasted each other.”
Big deal, you said as you got up.
>“I did everything right,” she ranted as you picked her up and carried her under your arm.
>“I was a perfect lady. Sure, maybe I could be a bit insistent, but the squeaky wheel is the one that gets greased by the slick nut, as they say. 
>“Or at least that’s how it should be!”
Look, I don’t really like dying either. 
>“And we’re virgins, at that.”
But listen, we’re serving a purpose beyond ourselves. Isn’t that at least worth the sacrifice?
>She moaned lowly and complained about how horny she was.
>“This just proves that I had been going about courting you all wrong,” she said regretfully.
>“I never did love you, though I did certainly like you at times. I just wanted to taste your body in my bed. I should’ve been your little whore. It’s obvious to me now.”
You’re lovely, my dear, you said ironically. 
>The two of you started to reach the top.
>You drank the rest of your water, and Rarity put up a blue force-field around you both to keep you safe from the smoke, which was surrounding you both now.
>Eventually you reached the lip of the volcano. 
>The heat was almost unbearable as you looked down into the smoke-filled maw of the mountain.
Knew it was hot today, and not just me.
>Rarity started squirming in your grasp, but you held her tight.
>“Anonymous, please reconsider. If you seriously had to choose between having sex with me, or jumping into a volcano to die horribly, which would you—”
>You flicked her horn, screamed like Robert Plant, and jumped into the burning smoke-filled mouth of the volcano.
>“We don’t even know if this will actually stop the volcano!”
It will! It always works in the movies!
>Rarity held you tight as you both fell about ten feet before landing in some cold and thick goop that covered you up to your waist.
>Eventually the rumbling stopped, the smoke cleared, and you got to see the pink jelly substance you had landed in.
>It felt refreshingly cool all of a sudden. 
>The rocky walls of the volcano soon turned crystal blue, and it shone brilliantly in the sunlight.
>You and Rarity shared confused looks with each other.
>“Did we die?”
I don’t think so. I know what it feels like to almost die and it wasn’t so . . . refreshing.
>Up high you could see the wind carrying away the smoke.
I think we stopped the volcano.
>“But I don’t understand. We should be dead.”
We should be dead, but we aren’t. 
>Silence for a moment.
You know, that’s a pretty sweet deal, when you think about it.
>Suddenly the jelly substance started sinking, and the entrance of the volcano was getting farther and farther away from view as you sank down into the dark depths of the volcano.
I might’ve spoken too soon.
>“Oh, I should’ve known this was too good to be true. We’re going to starve if no pony finds us.”
Maybe we can eat this goop we’re stuck in.
>Rarity scrunched her muzzle.
>“Well, we can always try that later when we’re desperate,” Rarity said with disgust.
More desperate than we already are, anyway.
>“I’m mostly just confused . . . and maybe a bit horny.”
Still?
>“Don’t act so surprised, darling. It’s all this excitement getting to me.”
>Just then the goop stopped sinking.
>A cracking and chipping sound could be heard coming from the wall in front of them.
>Then a big hole broke from the inside of the wall, and out of that hole came Maud, pushing large chunks of rock out of her way and wearing a hard hat with a light on it.
>After the expected great outbursts of joy that came from you and Rarity, and Maud’s blank reaction to it, you asked her for an explanation.
>“We’re working on a way to get the two of you out of here.”
>“I can’t believe I’m going to live,” Rarity said through happy tears. 
We’re going to live, Rarity.
>“I’m going to get another chance to have sex with you,” Rarity cried.
Yeah, you said uneasily.
>Maud just blinked, and said:
>“Right now the goop is being drained out from a hole we blasted in the volcano.”
‘Goop?’ you said as you looked at the goop you were stuck in.
Maud, are you telling me you don’t know what this stuff is?
>“Do you?”
>You muttered that you didn’t, and Maud continued to say that she had to ruin the cave you both lived in so she could reach you and Rarity.
Well, that’s no good.
>Rarity eyed you in a certain way, and said:
>“I guess you’ll just have to live with me then, won’t you?”
Great.
>She sighed contently.
>“It’ll be a wonderful bonding experience for us.”
>“The two of you are heroes,” said Maud. “Everypony knows that it was your actions that stopped the volcano.”
Yeah, you said slowly. Maud, you wouldn’t happen to know exactly why we were able to stop the volcano without dying, would you?
>“Well, Anonymous, the science of Geology is all about heat, pressure, and cooling in order to make up the world around us.”
That sounds a bit too generalized to—
>“Your actions, in effect, related to and pleased the main contents of study that go into Geology. 
>“The heat between you and Rarity, the pressure from making the ultimate sacrifice, and the cooling that resulted from the release of the heat and pressure, all worked together to pacify the volcano.”
>You and Rarity shared confused looks before turning to Maud again.
>“It was the unselfish act alone that stopped the volcano. Geology is closely related to the deep cavern of emotion within all of us. The heat, pressure, and cooling of rock to make new lands is a metaphor for the progress of both individual life and society.”
Yeah, okay. But why did the lava in the volcano turn to goop?
>“And where did the smoke disappear to?”
And why did the rumbling stop?
>“And why did you specifically need two virgins of the opposite sex to sacrifice themselves to stop the volcano?”
We didn’t even need to sacrifice ourselves either.
>“Yes, that’s right. How come we aren’t dead?”
>There was silence, and then Maud blinked once and exhaled noisily.
>“Let me put it this way, you can’t spell the beginning of Geology without the beginning of Generosity. Now do you see how they’re all linked together?”
>More silence.
>“They both start with the letters ‘G’ and ‘E’.”
Get us out of here!

>And so Mt. Hlot Cre-vice remained dormant for the rest of its days, thanks to the generous act that you and Rarity carried out.
>Whatever that act may have been.
>But you did learn one very important lesson on that day.
>And that was that Rarity fucking lied to you! Earth and Equestria really do have the same numerical system, and she was just bullshitting you because you didn’t know any better.
>Your house was destroyed when you came back. The goop had seeped into everything, and the cave was in danger of collapsing from all of Maud’s tunneling.
>So unfortunately you did have to live with Rarity (because, unlike Maud, you didn't have insurance.)
>She cooked you breakfast every day, and tried to rape you endlessly every hour on the hour.
>She saw her surviving of the volcano as a second chance at her courtship, and it was an opportunity she did not want to waste a second of.
>But the two of you did begin bonding in a strange way, as you spent more and more time together.
>It wasn’t easy at first; she was a bit hard to live with, and your hot tempers sometimes flared up.
>But soon the pressure cracked down on the two of you, and one of you had to give.
>And once one of you gave in, things started to cool; life with each other started to become accepted . . .
>Oh, what a bunch of bullshit!
>This story is called “Fuck ol’ Maud”, because this never would’ve happened if she had just performed that ritual correctly.
>Also, all of your stuff that you were selling at your yard sale got stolen by a passing group of stragglers.