Burning Questions (AiE)
By MINDWAVE

original post:  https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/24915638/#24948166
original Pastebin url: https://pastebin.com/z6rR7tai
poneb.in url:  https://poneb.in/z6rR7tai

Note:  This story was originally a response to an image by kinkiepinkypie posted in AiE (image - https://ponybooru.org/images/1082272 ; post - https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/24915638/#24938146 ) and some anon requested that MINDWAVE write a story to answer said question.  MINDWAVE delivered.

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>"As a princess of Equestria, I, Celestia, bestow to you, Anonymous the human, this medal for valor for your actions during this country's latest time of crisis."
>You dip your head to allow the medal to fall onto your shoulders.
>Once in place, you bring it up to you, tracing the intricate etchings with your fingers.
>Celestia smiles down at you from her throne before gesturing with her wing to the side of room.
>"And to make certain that your deeds are never forgotten, a window at the castle has been dedicated to your exploit."
>As on cue, a guard pony releases a rope that allows a tarp to fall, revealing said window.
>Like the others, it's stained glass but this one depicts you striking down your foe by channeling the power of the ponies who bear the Elements of Harmony.
>Immediately, a cacophony engulfs the room with applause and cameras snapping anything and everything.
>Despite that, you can still hear the cheering of your friends who are lined up on the side of you.
>You bow down with immense gratitude.
"Princess Celestia, I...don't know what to say. But, thank you!"
>She shakes her head at your display.
>"Stand Anonymous, we have too much to be thankful for that to be necessary."
>Obediently, you come to your feet.
>"Thank you once again for saving Equestria from certain doom, Anon. As a final reward, you may ask me any question which I shall answer truthfully."
>Thumbing your chin, you consider the offer.
>You've already received so much so it's not an unfair gift.
>And you do have questions that only Celestia could answer.
>Questions, if answered, that could reveal forbidden, dark secrets about the pony matriarch in front of you and even Equestria itself.
>Most importantly, there is one question that has festered in your mind ever since you met her.
>This might be your only chance to get an answer...
>Your mind made up, you look back up at Celestia and with a straight face you ask:
"Do you ever get an itchy butthole but you're too lazy to itch it so you just fart really hard to scratch the itch?"
>The room goes dead silent as your innocent query is heard by all and every eye is upon you.
>Celestia's face grows redder with every passing second.
>You can practically feel the glare that Twilight is sending you right now.
>Celestia coughs to cover her shock and looks back to you with a nervous smile.
>"Dear...Anonymous, are you sure you wouldn't want to know something else? Maybe something about your place in this world?"
>Despite her obvious desperation, you shake your head in refusal.
"Nah, that's really all I want to know."
>The room of ponies are now focused on Celestia, as if they're now just as curious as to whether or not their alabaster deity relieved her itches with air biscuits.
>You can see by her expression that she's considering denying you the answer but you know she values her word too much to do that.
>As if in agreement, her inner turmoil subsides and she beckons you closer with a wing.
>You oblige her request and lean forward.
>She clears her throat once again as she tries to regain her regal stature.
>Finally, she leans toward you as she speaks in a hushed tone.
>"...S-sometimes," when she sees your eyes widen in shock, she hastily adds, "but only because after a full day at court, I can hardly-!"
>You let out a triumphant cry that sends her back flinching.
"Ha, I knew it!"
>You spin around to look back at Twilight, grinning like a madman.
"Pay up Twiggles!"
>The little horse stares back up at the throne, gaping.
>You think you can see the exact moment her image of her infallible mentor dies.
>The room erupts into an uproar as the ponies go into a frenzy, cameras snapping and questions about the princess' butt trumpet flying.
>All the while, Celestia sinks into her throne in complete embarrassment.
>But none of that matters to you.
>Because you just won 10 bits.