https://web.archive.org/web/20190103172825/https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2050.html

ACT I: How Anon Learned to Stop Being an Autist and Love the Horses
Part 1: Anon is Cast Into Slavery

>wake up
>the local noblehorse is standing over you, her mouth a smile but her eyes all a-panic
>fucking hell
>stupid fucking horses
>you manage to live in your shitty yurt without any form of contact with any of these horses for nearly a year straight
>and right when you desperately need to be left alone the new fucking wing unicorn in town decides to drop by
>"Hi there, uh,…"
>the purple one pauses
>"ANON"
>you look over to notice five other ponies, the one who spoke likely being the pink bouncing one
>you stare at her, unsure of how exactly she knows your name
>"I never forget a name! I learned yours about a year ago when I thew you that welcome-to-Ponyville-my-condolences-for-losing-everything-you've-ever-known-or-loved party when you first got to Equestria!"
>goodness fucking gracious
>you remember the party vaguely
>you got your yurt there as a present
>but you had to step out pretty early in; big crowds and parties always made your chest feel all tight
>after about a week or two of limited interactions with the horses you simply set up your yurt near the forest and shut yourself away in it
>and nobody came to visit you ever again
>until yesterday anyways
>the purple horse looks at her companions
>"Thank you, Pinkie. Why don't you girls clear out? Anon probably needs some space."
>they do so, an orange hoof dragging Pinkie out with the others
>"Now Anon…"
>uh oh
>you know what this phrase means
>some self-righteous normie is going to lecture you about how you need a social life and you need to go out more and it's just not healthy to blah fucking blah blah blah
>"I happen to be very well-read on the topic of psychology."
>"And I happen to know that, well…"
>she pauses, clearly uncomfortable
>"…attempts at what you attempted"
>fucking pansy
>"are a symptom of very severe depression."
>not this shit again
>"Now I know how rough it must have been to lose your home, your family, friends… significant other…"
>she'd be right if you'd ever had any of that
>"and I imagine that your way of coping with this, locking yourself away in that giant tent, didn't exactly help things."
>as if it was all that different from what you'd be doing on Earth right now
>"And I think we can both agree that your way wasn't the best way to healing now."
>"Equestrian psychology proposes that talking about traumatic incidents can help speed up the healing process. Would you like to talk about it?"
>you lie there silently
>"Ah, I figured as much."
>"So I've got another way to set you straight."
>"I've been zipping around all Equestria solving friendship problems as of late, but I've been ignoring this very serious - life threatening, even - friendship problem right here under my own nose, and for that I am truly sorry and I hope that some day you'll be able to forgive me for not reaching out before all this unpleasantness."
>"But I'll start now, Anon. My friends and I are going to work to make you feel valued and wanted around Ponyville."
>this can't be good
>"Now I can't leave you alone, it's very basic suicide prevention to never allow a suicidal pon- er, uh, person to be alone."
>why.jpg
>"So…"
>she lays her horn on your shoulder
>"I do hereby appoint you my vassal. You shall accompany and assist me in my daily princess tasks until such time as I release you from servitude."
>>servitude
>fucking what nigger
>now you're pissed
>and you finally get up
>with mock courtesy and an exaggerated bow, you ask
"And may I have the pleasure of knowing my mistress's name?"
>she's apparently too surprised to be pissed
>"You don't know who I am?"
>your glare answers her question
>"I am Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship."
>goodness fucking gracious that's way too cheesey to be an actual title
>whatever
"And what if I don't want to be your servant, princess?"
>she smirks
>"Too bad, we already moved all your stuff into Spike's room; you'll be bunking with him."
>JUST
>her smirk turns devilish
>"And if you try to run away then I've got a lovely dungeon downstairs where you can spend a week with a lovely zebra named Rapestripe."
>FUCK MY SHIT UP
>surely she's not serious about that, but you can't tell by looking at her snarky countenance
>"So again, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm going to teach you about friendship for however long it takes."
>she extends a hoof
"And how long is that?"
>now her eyes are throwing daggers
>"Until you don't wanna kill yourself anymore!"
>scowling, you take the squishy pony hoof in your hand
>"Very good. Now let's show you around your home."

Part 2: A Shitty Fucking Morning

>you got approximately no sleep last night
>apparently, this Spike that you're bunking with is a little dragon
>that's not a fucking figure of speech
>he spent four hours ranting and raving about "number one assistant" and "being replaced" and oh fuck why please shut the fuck up kid
>with no warning whatsoever, he passed out and spent the next four hours snoring like a fucking rock grinder
>you'd have made another attempt if the little reptile hadn't killed your ability to think
>it was only just as, against all odds, you finally found yourself drifting toward sleep that your new fucking mistress burst through the door and pulled back the curtains on the windows
>a horrible, blinding sensation emanates from the glass
"AHH FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"
>"It's… the Sun, Anon."
>"And watch your language around Spike! He's just a baby you know."
>upon a more careful inspection of the window, you can now see that the Sun does, in fact, still exist
>you mumble something, roll over, and pull the blanket over your head
>the blanket glows purple for an instant and is whisked off of you
>"No more time for sleep, Anon! There's lots to do. Come on!"
"Why doesn't Spike have to get up?"
>"Well he is just a baby dragon, you know. He needs his rest."
>you can't even argue at this point
>so you get up for a fresh day of hell
>"Excellent. Now if you'll put some clothes on you can follow me to the table for breakfast."
>your ugly ass is in tighty-fucking-whiteys, because you just don't give a shit
"You ponies go around naked all day. What makes you so sure that humans wear clothes on a regular basis?"
>she grins a grin that seems to know too much
>"Oh, you'll see how I know soon enough."
>FUCK
>you reckon she must have recorded you fapping all day in that yurt somehow
>without a word, you head over to your trunk to grab some pants
"What the fuck is this?"
>you hold up a shirt that seems to belong more at a renaissance fair than in daily wear
"Where are my clothes?"
>"Oh, those were all ragged and ruined. Don't worry, I had a good friend make you some new ones yesterday while you were, uh"
>"unconscious."
>whatever
>so you head down to breakfast dressed up like a fucking merry man of King Fagsalot's court
>upon entering the dining room, you see a round, glass table surrounded by seven chairs, six with pastel symbols on them
>five of these are already filled
>Twilight greets her guests and sits down in the chair with the purple star on it
>and all the ponies stare at you
>oh fuck
>you have to sit down to eat
>but the only seat left is a little chair right next to Twilight
>autism locks you in place and keeps you from moving
>Twilight coughs
>"Uhh, are you going to sit down, Anon?"
"Y-y-yeah"
>you shuffle awkwardly to the open chair
>but things only get more awkward as the chair seems to push you out of it and you end up face down on the floor
>Twilight giggles nervously
>"Well, uh, that's never happened before. I guess that throne is for Spike only."
>fucking Spike
>a moment of silence passes
>"Uh that should be all right. Just let me get you your own chair here."
>her horn glows purple and a rickety, wooden chair also glowing purple floats into the room and lands right next to Twilight's chair
>"There we go. That should do it."
>you plop down unceremoniously into your chair, too far gone to feel shame
>purple glowing plates of pancakes come streaming into the room
>nobody says a word as the meal commences
>but eventually the white pony speaks up
>"So, Anon, darling"
>she pauses when your dull gaze meets her glassy stare
>"How do you like the clothes I made you?"
>your dull gaze becomes an apparently annoyed one
>"Uuh, I mean, how do they fit, and, stuff…?"
>you pull your arms across your chest and the white unicorn cringes violently as the sound of stretching and slight tearing fills the air
>"Uh right. Too tight then. Be sure to stop by my boutique later for a refitting."
>she breaks eye contact and becomes very interested in the arrangement of fruit on top of her pancakes
>the meal ends without another word
>Pinkie the pink pony grinned a shiteating grin and inhaled loudly as if to say something stupid at one point, but the orange pony put a stop to that by shoving her hoof into Pinkie's mouth
>when the pancakes are no longer being eaten, the five ponies get up and leave without a word
>are the symbols on those chairs duller than they were before?
>Twilight purples your shirt and drags you away
>"Come on, Anon. Why can't you have been a little more outgoing? Those are my closest friends, and they want to be your friend too!"
>>they want to be your friend too
>>implying
>she groans
>"All right, that's fine. This next exercise is sure to do you some good."
>she takes you into an empty room, save for a mirror and a fuck-ugly contraption attached to it

Part 3: Anon Fucking Hates EqG

>fuckcuntering shitdicking jewniggers on a lavacock
>you have never felt so much physical agony in all your life
>you find yourself lying on a surprisingly familiar surface
>a cement sidewalk
>a dull thud to your right informs you that your damned slavedriver has a arrived
>"Oh dear…"
>you snap your head around to see a purple girl with massive eyes and a tacky skirt towering over you
>is that Twilight?
>HOW THE FUCK IS SHE TOWERING OVER YOU?
>you scramble to your feet to find that your hands are still touching the ground
>you're afraid to look down but you have to, damnit
>your arms are covered in shaggy, red fur
>your jaw is so long that you can see your lips
>your feet have thumbs
>you let loose with a string of curse words that would make even the most hardcore shitposter cringe, attracting the attention of other colorful, bug-eyed people
>Twilight just looks disappointed
>"Well, come on Anon. We've still got business here."
>she gives you the cuntiest grin she can muster
>"And no monkey business."
>wishing unmentionable things on Twilight Sparkle, you follow her into a venerable brick building
>to be greeted by another Twilight Sparkle
>oh fucking balls the world does not need two
>"Twilight, I'm glad you made it. And I see you brought a friend?"
>"I'm always glad to meet a good friend, Twilight. And this is Anon."
>"Fascinating. What was he in Equestria?"
>"Well, that's just the thing. He looked almost exactly like the people here."
>"A human?"
>"Exactly!"
>"Incredible. I see no reason for why he should be an ape in this universe."
>fortunately these two fucking nerds are too deeply engrossed in their conversation to address you
>"So, Anon"
>shit fucking fucksticks
>"Do you have any idea why this may have happened to you?"
>fucking dumb cunt asking obvious questions
"Probably because humans are closely related to chimps, dumbass."
>otherTwilight is either too autistic or too shocked to take offense
>"What? No, humans have no particularly close relatives, but we are descended from Eohippus, an ancient ancestor of horses."
>before you can angrily tell her that that's fucking wrong, your Twilight buts in
>"Really? That's fascinating! Ponies are also descended from a creature called Eohippus!"
>you're given the privilege of listening to a discussion about magic horse evolution for the next eight hours
>noticing that Twilight doesn't have a horn here, you wonder if she can still purple you, and this thought leads you to entertain yourself with elaborate mental experiments of suicide
>you think you're about dead set on sticking your chimpdick in Twilight's mouth, ripping off her head with ape strength, allowing the biting down reflex to rip off your penis, and bleeding to death
>but before you can come up with another plan, Twilight grabs your hand and leads you out of the building
>"Well, I'm sorry, Anon. I'm sure you're very disappointed about not being able to live here as a human."
>yeah, right
>"Are you sure you don't want to stay anyway?"
>she seems way too hopeful
>so all you do is glare
>Twilight sighs and leads you through the mirror
>you're fucking stuck with me now, bitch

Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Fun

"Wait, you're telling me that that mirror was magic?"
>"Of course. How else do you explain the universe-jumping and the transformations?"
>you make your face as near a perfect costanza.jpg as you can get
"You're telling me… magic?"
>Twilight purples her horn and you feel a slap across your face
>"Magic."
>oh
>so that's what that purple shit is
>reflecting on the conversation you've just had, you marvel at the fact that you just had a conversation
>was that even a good thing?
>you eat the rest of your breakfast in silence
>you rapidly lose sight of the outside world, retreating into your thoughts
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>shaking your head, you look over to your host
>"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
>her smile gives it away
>fucking sneaky cunt was trying to therapy you the whole time
>you mutter something, even you don't know what you meant to say
>"Well all right then. Say, I'm visiting a good friend after breakfast. Care to join me?"
>you really don't care to join her
"S-s-s-sure…"
>fucking shitfucks on a niggerdick why did you say that?
>you've gotta be an alpha and stand up for yourself for once in your life, you fucking Nice Guyold
>"Great! Why don't we head out right now?"
"O-okay…"
>y-you'll stand up for yourself later probably
>you meekly go out after your ruler
>the sun is too bright
>this walking makes your feet hurt
>you wish you were at home doing nothing of value
>this building you're coming up to looks like an ugly cupcake or something
>Pinkie the pink horse is waiting outside for you
>"HI TWILIGHT! HI NONNY!"
>you cringe a little bit
>Twilight, in a flash, leans over to Pinkie's ear
>"Pinkie, you're making him uncomfortable."
>oh my fucking why
>"Oh, I'm sorry Anonymous, I'm just so excited to be here with you and Twilight and Gummy and-"
>a purple hoof plugs her mouth
>it occurs to you that you've never told anyone in magic horse land that Anon is short for Anonymous
>Twilight makes a suggestion
>"Why don't we go inside?"
>Pinkie leaps into the air
>"OOH! THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! LET'S GO!"
>she dashes inside so fast she leaves a pink contrail in her wake
>Twilight smiles at you like a teacher encouraging her downy student
>"Well, go on, Anon. Open the door."
>you hesitantly obey
>you're greeted with a solid wall of color and noise
>"SURPRISE!"
>JUST

>"WhenTwilightsaidshewasbringingyouovertovisitIgotsoexcitedbutalsoalittlebitnervousbecauseforasecondthereIcouldn'tthinkofwhattodoandthenIrealizedthatthebestthingtodowhenafriendtriestokillthemselfistothrowapleasedon'ttrytokillyourselfagainslashyouareanappreciatedandvaluedmemberofourcommunitypartyandIjustwannasaythat…"
>your mind blanks out the torrential downpour of ADHD somewhere around this point
>you stand there gripping your tie tightly, eyes darting in all directions
>holy fuck why are there so many horses?
>Twilight's hoof nudges your hand
>"Anon, would you like me to introduce you to some of the ponies?"
"S-sure."
>keeping her torso against your leg, she takes you around the room to see a group of four ponies, all of them from the breakfast yesterday
>"Hi everyone, this is Anon."
>a chorus of cheery greetings emanates from the little clique
>"Anon, these are my closest and dearest friends. With their help, I went from a standoffish shutin to the pony I am today."
>it's obvious what she's trying to imply here
>"This is Applejack,"
>"How d'ye do, Mr. Anon?"
>"and Rarity,"
>"I'm truly glad to make your acquaintance, darling."
>"and Rainbow Dash,"
>"'Sup?"
>"and Fluttershy."
>"Hello."
>like the scene from yesterday never even happened
>except that it did happen
"Uh…"
>the girls turn away from you and resume their conversation without missing a beat
>you're not sure if you should be offended or relieved
>"Oh, well, that's all right, Anon. Why don't we go get some refreshments?"
>now you know what this is like
>this is like that time your mother tried to bring you to her friend's house for her friend's daughter's birthday party
>you have to be more social, Anon
>if this goes anything like that, all you have to do is silently follow Twilight around until the embarrassment of being associated with such a collassal failure at life drives her out of the party
>Twilight doesn't realize that her training will fail because you are aspergers incarnate, and your will to be autistic is unconquerable
>but as you reach the table, something unexpected happens
>"HEY NONNY!"
>the pink mass hits you before the floor does
>unexpected_intimacy.jpg
>you catch Twilight's face, somewher between concern and amusement
>"Nonny, you look a little bit uncomfortable."
"W-well you are pinning me down…"
>"Not like that, silly! Like in general!"
>you have no reply
>"That's okay, Anon, sometimes I feel uncomfortable at parties too, and I really really really love parties! But do you know what always helps me get over it?"
>a pink hoof produces a plastic cup full of amber nectar
>Twilight's voice develops a slight trill
>"Pinkie, are you sure this should be that kind of party?"
>Pinkie ignores her princess, focusing intently on you
"Wh-wh-what?"
>"ALCOHOL!"

>Pinkie Pie gets off of you and offers you the cup
>you've actually never drank before
>you always heard that drinking alone results in mind-crushing alcoholism, and, well, you didn't have any social gatherings to go to
>but now might be a good time to try it
>you glance at Twilight
>she seems to be pleading with you in her eyes not to do it
>and that sinches it
>you take the cup and chug it down in one gulp
>OH MOTHER FUCK BALLS SHITDICKING NIGGERS IN HELL
>you spend the next fifty years wheezing, tearing up, clutching at your throat, and stumbling around
>after that's all said and done, Twilight and Pinkie are staring at you, seeming somewhat concerned
>"ANON! Are you okay?!"
"Y… y-y…. yeah, totally."
>Pinkie starts giggling
>"Oh, Nonny, you silly head. You're not supposed to chug it down like that? Haven't you ever had a drink before?"
"O-of course I have!"
>the blue one, Rainbow Dash, swoops down near you, holding a whole cupful of that horrible poison
>"Then have another."
>Twilight rushes to your side
>"Anon, you don't have to if you don't want to!"
>Pinkie Pie is less than helpful
>"DO IT!"
>naturally, you take the cup
>knowing full well that no good will come of this, you drink it all up
>at a more reasonable speed this time, of course
>"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
>"Hey Twilight, you want one?"
>"Oh, I don't know, girls. Someone has to be in her right mind here."
>"Oh, come on, egghead. Everybody's doing it. Have a little fun for once in your life."
>"Oh dear."
>Twilight, apparently, is just as susceptible to peer pressure as you are
>now you know everything's going to go wrong
>the rest of Twilight's friends come trotting over
>the white one Rarity distributes drinks to all of you and speaks up
>"I do hereby propose a toast. To Anon, our new friend, that he may find happiness and fulfillment in this new chapter of his life!"
>disorderly "hear, hears" ring out, and all take another drink
>now things start to blur a little bit
>the next thing you remember is a red pony with berries on her butt
>"Wow, Anon, you can drink so much! How do you do it?"
>a blue pony with a black mane answers
>"He's a big guy!"
"FOR YOU"
>blurs and blackness
>you're in a basement with a green unicorn with a harp thingy on her butt, a pink unicorn with gems on her butt, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie
>a banner that reads "Ponyville Extraequestrial Life Club"
>the green one is all over you
>she's explaining how, for the past year, she's been camping outside of your yurt doing nothing but watching you
>"aw shit nigga," says the alcohol, "you've got a stalker! fuckin awesome, dude!"
>aawwwww yeeeeeeh, you reply, gonna lose the v-card tonight brih
>the other mares are just sitting there giggling, Twilight taking sloppy notes on a clipboard
>the doors burst open and a morbidly obese teal unicorn bursts in, giving her best attempt at bedroom eyes
>"HEY THERE, HOT STUFF"
>the green pone leaps at her
>"FUCK OFF, TUMBLE HOOVES, THIS XENO IS MINE!"
>more blurry incoherence
>you're in what seems like a darkened palace, following a pink unicorn with a giant mane
>in your hands is a jar that holds what seems to be a floating picture of the Sun
>she suddenly motions for you to be quiet
>"Anon, give me the mark. Take out that guard!"
>more blackness, but this time with some red and a little more pain
>you're standing at the entrance of the forest
>ponies in golden armor are launching a merciless campaign against you
>but they are no match for you
>you are trained in gorilla warfare and you're the top sniper in the entire US armed forces
>but somehow you got surrounded, and it's all over now
>a mighty battle cry sounds
>it's Tumble Hooves
>she proceeds to rip and tear some guts
>sweet, merciful, blankness
>morning
>you're in your bed in Spike's room
>and so is Tumble Hooves
>you feel something around your dick, but nothing in your heart except shame
>pulling out, you reach down and feel lint on your member
>and there is no doubt in your mind that you fucked this horse in the bellybutton last night

Part 5: Anon Fucking Hates the Spa

>recoiling, you leap out of bed
>this, you come to realize, was a horrible idea
>your senses are overwhelmed with pain and sickness and bright light
>time for some magic of your own
>it comes rushing up and out of your esophagus and right onto your unfortunate partner
>Tumble Hooves gets a full blast broadside
>but she's as steady a ship as there ever were, and she takes it with nary pitch nor a roll
>that horse is passed the fuck out
"S-s-s-s-s-s..sorry…"
>you limp weakly from your room toward the kitchen
>you see that Twilight's night must have been comparable to yours
>she's visibly frazzled, and she's rushing around the kitchen with quill pens and paperwork galore flying about
>you stand there for a full five minutes or so before she notices you
>"Oh, Anon, good morning"
>there's a horsecock drawn on her eyelid
"So… how was… your, uh, night?"
>her hair is a clumpy apocalypse
>"Oh, it was fine, fine, just great! I just need to fill out a few forms here, sign a few waivers, make a few court appearances, hunt down a communist terrorist, and there'll be no legal consequences for either of us!"
>an overpowering scent of stale maple syrup floats off of her body and into your nostrils
>a flash of green flame alerts you to Spike's presence
>he lies on the ground in agony as his fire materializes into another legal document
>holy shit, is that where all these papers came from?
"I'm sorry, Twilight."
>"Oh-no-no, don't worry about it, little buddy! It's fine, just fine, fine fine! So fine!"
>a purple eyelid twitches
>"It's really not your fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you. And also I probably shouldn't have chugged a whole keg of Grey Mare. Or given you the key to our nation's capitol palace. You probably weren't ready for a Pinkie party, and that one went way more out of control than ususal."
>a whole keg of vodka?
>geez-o-fucking-loo
>Twilight clearly wasn't much better adapted for such things than you were
>maybe it was true what she said about having been a "standoffish shutin" once
"I guess a big crazy party like that really wasn't a cup of tea for either of us."
>she looks you in the eye with a smile
>"No, I guess it really wasn't."
>a sensible chuckle is shared
>but it's cut short by another blast of green flame
>Twilight grabs the paper and her eyes pop out of her skull
>"SWEET FANCY STARSWIRL! ONE HUNDRED?!"
>Twilight purples her horn and a scalpel, a petri dish, a micropipette, a vial of liquid, and a list of adoption centers in the greater Ponyville area float into the room
>"Anon, I need to get to Fluttershy's right away! Rarity's coming over to take you to the spa. I'm sure you'll like it a lot more than last night. Bye!"
>a flash of light and she's gone
>another and she's back
>"Oh, and get Spike to his bed. Poor thing must have the most awful tummyache right now."
>and she's gone again
>you decide not to take Spike back to his own bed, as the room is somewhat less than decent right now
>so you enter the royal bedchamber and set him down on a deep amethyst pillow
>apart from a strong scent of maple syrup, it's surprisingly clean in here
>you head down and wait outside the door
>AGH, THE SUN, IT BURNS
>you forgot you were still hungover like a motherfuck
>fortunately you're not left waiting too long
>"Ah, Anonymous, darling. I had such a wonderful time with you at the party last night. Ready to go?"
>how is this horse in such good shape?
>and how in hell did she have a "wonderful time" with you?
>you grunt a wordless greeting, get up and walk over to her
>"Wonderful! Twilight told me you'd be in terrible condition this morning, and I figured that a nice afternoon at the spa would work wonders for you!"
>"Ah, it's right around this corner"
>"Annnd, here we are!"
>you follow the white pony into a garishly posh facility
>and you're greeted by two ponies in headbands who remind you of Trix yogurt
>"Aaaahhhhh, Miss Rarity! What can we do for you and your friend today?"
>"Hm, I'm caught between the hot rocks, the mudbath, and the seaweed wrap…"
>she turns to you
>"Anonymous, darling, what do you think we should get here?"

>hot rocks?
>that sounds fucking ebin my dude
"What about the hot rocks?"
>"Ooh, that does sound so excellent!"
>"Lotus, Aloe, prepare some hot rocks for my friend and I."
>they lead you to a room with two tables in it
>"Lay down right there, and we'll be with you in a moment."
>in the few minutes they're gone, there is absolute silence
>are you supposed to say something?
>you look over at Rarity for some cue
>she's giving you a sincere smile
>ohshitohfuckohwhatamisupposedtodo
>you attempt to twitch your mouth into a smile back, but it just won't stay
>you give up and look away
>and check on her response with your peripheral vision
>her smile is replaced with a look that seems to be somewhere between confusion and indigence
>fuck
>"And we are back with your hot rocks."
>there's no reply, and the awkward tension doubles
>"And we'll just put them here…"
>Rarity sighs as heated stones are laid on her back, the autism of a moment previous forgotten
>thank fuck
>maybe this'll make things less-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''
>IT BURNS
>the blue pony jolts in shock
>and drops the whole bucket onto your unprotected, hairless body
>WAKE ME UP INSIDE
>"A-a-a-ah, j-just let me put a towel there…"
>she violently swipes the rocks off of your back with a hoof, making impacts and friction
>CAN'T WAKE UP
>she hastily puts a towel on your ruined skin and drops more rocks on it, creating and unbearable sense of irritation and ripping
>SAVE MEE
>you flop off of the table and onto the floor, still screaming like an angered tard
>Rarity rushes over and throws some bits at the attendants
>"Ah, let's just get you home now, darling."
>she's met with more shrieking
>"Or, uh, maybe to the emergency room?"
>it's actually not agonizing anymore
>you're just screeching now

Part 6: Anon Fucking Hates Tea Time

>"And… that… should… do it!"
>the last of Twilight's magic ebbs out of your back
>it still stings all over, but you should be able to walk now
>"Now, you have to take it easy for the rest of the day, Anon. You're still sensitive and the skin on your back will tear easily."
"So what do I do all day?"
>"Well it was my intention to visit Fluttershy's place for tea. You're welcome to tag along."
>she gives you the sweetest little smile
>it's a smile that tells you that if you tell its owner "no" she'll force you to come anyway
"Sure."
>"Great. I'm ready to go now!"
"I'm not wearing a shirt."
>"Oh, it'll be fine, let's go! Nobody's gonna judge you or anything!"
>you look down at your body
>it's definitely in the "skinny" range from a year of hardly eating
>on the upper half you can see your ribs
>on the lower half it's wierdly lumpy and it reminds you of cottage cheese
>you've somehow managed to retain your manboobs, which stick out a bit past the point where healthy pecs ought with your body composition
>most of your torso's hair surrounds your belly button, but a few long hairs sparsely populate the area between your nipples
>fuck it
"All right, whatever you say, princess."
>she doesn't smack you for the snarky remark
>"Great. I think you'll really like Fluttershy, Anon. She's a lot like you."
>doubt.jpg
"One hundred?"
>her smiling face goes blank
>"It would be unethical of me to divulge the nature of what was corrected at her cottage yesterday."
>a smirk finds its way onto the unicorn's lips
>"Besides, it's not exactly as if you were acting like yourself the other day, either."
>you lose your will to speak and silently head out the door
>Twilight trots out after you with an awkward chuckle
>"Uh, whoah there, wait for me."
>it's a long ass walk with an awkward silence
>but you get there
>Twilight knocks on the door
>and a yellow pony opens the door
>"H-hi, Twilight. A-a-and, uhm…"
>they both look at you, waiting for you to remind Fluttershy of your name
>you don't
>"Anon. This is Anon."
>"H-hi Anon."
>"May we come in?"
>"Oh, of course."
>Twilight walks right in, hops onto the couch, and looks at you
>you take your seat
>Fluttershy brings a tray with three teacups into the room and sits on the a chair across from Twilight's position on the couch
>Twilight magically distributes cups to everyone, and Spaghetticon Eqeustria begins
>"So, uh, Fluttershy, you're a little more quiet than normal. What's up?"
>Fluttershy glances at you while muttering something incomprehensible
>"Is it Anon? Is he making you feel uncomfortable?"
>your eyes cross ever so slightly and you find your gaze fixed to the floor
>"Okay, well, uh, I'm gonna go and do, something, for a little bit. Be right back. Okay?"
>Twilight leaves the silent room and steps outside
>time passes
>about two minutes in you dream up a little thought experiment
>take two people of the kind that won't initiate conversation
>put them in a room together
>and wait to see if discussion happens anyway
>what an interesting thought
>perhaps you should say something

"So"
>fuck
>Fluttershy bolts upright and stares wide-eyed at you
>fuuuuck
"S-so, uh, how's that life?"
>a wordless noise of uncertainty escapes her lips and strikes you like a newspaper might strike a misbehaving puppy
"Well, uh, that's good I guess."
>she's still staring right at you, her eyes big as saucers
>literally
>these ponies can be freaky as shit
>her massive pupils aren't quite meeting your eyes though
>they're a little bit
>lower
>and suddenly you're overcome with the sensation of an autistic yellow horse staring at your nipples
>fucking Twilight with her "nobody's gonna judge you" shit
>you grab a pillow and hug it to your torso in an attempt to hide your shame
>Fluttershy bites her lip and her eye twitches slightly
>what the fuck
>was she enjoying the view
>is she attracted to you?
>plsbeinlondon.jpg
"I-I'm sorry, did you want to see?"
>Fluttershy's eyes become as big as the fucking sun
>"OH, NO! I'm just… not sure if that's…"
>she cringes a little
>"sanitary…"
"O-o-o-oh…"
>of fucking course she was grossed out by your misshapen body on her pillow, you autist
>after a moment of staring at the wall to your left, her soft voice sounds in your ear
>"Anon, your tea looks cold. Would you like me to get some more?"
>you jump like a fucking skeleton just grabbed your shoulder
"S-sure"
>"I'll be right back."
>a minute passes
>she's probably sneaking out
>hoofsteps
>it's Fluttershy, she actually came right back with more tea
>oh fuck why didn't she just sneak out?
>she sets down the tea in front of you and returns to her seat
>"So Anon."
>…
"Yes?"
>"What are the animals like where you're from?"
>you notice now that several dozen birds, bunnies, rodents, and even a massive bear are approaching Fluttershy's chair, staring at you
>one white rabbit stands on top of the back rest, gazing angrily into your soul
"Well, the rabbits are fatter."
>Fluttershy's eyes take on both the size and the brilliance of the sun
>"Oh, you have bunnies where you're from? I thought you came from another world?"
"I don't really know where I came from, relative to here."
>"But you have bunnies?"
"Yes."
>"What else do you have?"
>you mentally prepare yourself
>for the best explanation of Earth's wildlife you can possibly give
>and for the longest conversation with a female you've ever had

----------------------------------------------------------------

>"No!"
"Yes, all of them."
>Fluttershy's composure devolves into a fit of giggles
>"Oh Anon, I can't possibly see why you were so sad. You're just so lovable."
>she's sitting next to you now, and currently mockingly pinching your cheeck with an impossibly dextrous hoof
>small talk is great
>you can't say just what exactly you've been talking about for the past two hours
>but you're having a nice time for once
>Fluttershy's comment makes you feel a little more reserved
>you grunt to express some emotion you don't know the word for, but the giggling mare doesn't notice
>it is at this moment that your eyes are stabbed by the flash of a neon light
>in between you and Fluttershy sits a monstrous creature
>serpentine in shape, with a horse's head and a myriad of other parts that don't belong on the same body
>"Fluttershy! You've missed our evening stroll entirely! I've been positively sick with anxiety!"
>"Oh, I'm so sorry Discord. I've just been so caught up in talking with Anon here."
>the snakelike neck whips around, bringing its head inches from your face
>"Anon, eh?"
>the words "good evening" form in your lungs, but never make it past your throat despite several tries
>"How d'you do."
>totally disinterested, he turns back to his horse to resume his discussion
>y-you too
>"Fluttershy! You know how busy I've become lately, this is the only time I'm able to spend with you anymore!"
>"What exactly do you do all day?"
>Discord ignores the question, continuing his rant
>"And I'm nigh on five thousand years old! I need my excercise to stay healthy! I simply can't keep it off like the young, beautiful folks do anymore."
>now might be the time for a smartass comment
"R-really? Y-y-you don't look a day over fourteen hundred!"
>Discord turns to look at you again, this time seeming a bit pissed off
>he sizes you up, top to bottom
>"You should really consider wearing a shirt."
>Discord snaps his fingers and a hideous, yellow polka-dot sweatervest materializes over your bare chest
>Fluttershy poorly conceals a giggle
>you've always read that, in these sorts of situations, a man is supposed to feel a burning sensation in his face
>yet you feel nothing but the return of an old, familiar pit in your stomach
>something that had previously been there so long you'd simply stopped noticing it
"I should probably get going now."
>Fluttershy manages to look a little bit disappointed
>"Please come back any time you-"
>"Yes, yes, it is getting quite late, isn't it? You should really run along back to your princess now."
>snap
>and you're outside of Fluttershy's little cottage
>all the blinds and curtains close, and the door clicks locked
>oh, and just in time, too
>Twilight is walking back to the cottage, carrying what seems to be a box of wafer cookies
>she hasn't noticed you yet
>so you dash off of the beaten path and make your escape behind a cover of trees, bushes, and darkness
>once you're out of the cottage's general vicinity, you wonder where you can even go
>your yurt has been taken down; you went past the spot where it once stood
>nowhere to go but back to your shitty little bed in Princess Twilight's crystal castle
>it's time for bed anyways
>you're just so fucking tired right now

Part 7: Anon Fucking Hates /fit/

>"Anon, how was Fluttershy's last night? I came back with refreshments, but you'd already left."
"I-it was"
"fine."
>"Are you sure, Anon? I know Discord showed up, and I know he can be a little bit…"
>she bites her lip here
>the look on your face probably tells her everything that happened
>"… possessive."
"A little bit."
>a minute of silent breakfasting ensues
>"Anon, I'm asking because I don't really know if you should be wandering off on your own like that yet. There's just no telling what you might, you know,"
>you very intentionally give her the most morose, pissy face you can give
>"do to yourself."
"Thanks for the concern, princess, but as you can see, I haven't fucking killed myself yet."
>more silent eating
>it is at this, the least appropriate moment, that a bolt obnoxious blue lightning zips into the dining room
>"TWILIGHT. You have got to see this!"
>Rainbow Dash shoves a piece of paper into her princess's face
>Twilight takes hold of the letter and reads aloud
>"Dear Rainbow Dash, we are pleased to inform you that your service has been transferred from the Equestrian Wonderbolts Skyfleet Reserve to the Equestrian Wonderbolts Regular Reserve. Bi-monthly musters will be held…"
>"Rainbow, this is great!"
>the two hug
>"But what exactly does it mean?"
>"It means that I'm one step closer to being a real Wonderbolt!"
>"Oh, Rainbow, I'm so happy for you!"
>what the fuck is a wonderbolt
>"But that's not the only reason why I came here!"
>Rainbow turns her attention to you
>fucking why
>"You know half of Ponyville saw you walking around without a shirt on last night, right?"
>your gaze drops and you groan a little bit
>"Rainbow, what are you doing?!"
>Rainbow Dash ignores the royal question
>"That's right. You seriously need to get in better shape. Fortunately for you, I am Ponyville's leading expert in fitness!"
"Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?"
>she bumps your chest with her hoof
>"I'm saying you should come work out with me today, Anon."
>Twilight's visible concern evaporates
>Rainbow smiles eggingly
>you don't really want to be here with Twilight all day
>but you only ever worked out alone back home
>before you got here, you'd even built up a respectable home gym just to avoid interacting with gym-goers
>a workout partner just sounds…
"I'm down."
>"YES!"
>fuck

----------------------------------------------------------------

>you're flopping on the ground
>Dash looks over to you, still effortlessly pushing herself up and down with her wings
>"Really, Anon? That was only forty pushups."
>and you could barely squeeze out fifty situps
>and you couldn't even make a mile run in under ten minutes
>with this latest failure, you sink your face into the backs of your hands
>you truly have lost all your gains
>a year of not lifting and not eating will do that to you
>she pushes herself up off the ground and into the air, from which she immediately takes to flying
>"All right, come on then, Anon. Warm up's done. We'll get you in shape yet."
>shame
>absolute fucking shame
>she leads you over to what feels like an old friend that you've been ignoring
>free weights
>"All right, Anon. Let's get your max weights for the five big lifts; then we can figure out a plan for you."
>"First up, benches."
>she sets up the bar over the bench with fifty pounds
>fifty?
>whatever
>"Just lay down right here, grip here and here, and… go."
>one
>two
>fuck
>three
>is this really just
>four
>just fifty pounds?
>f-f-fi-
>come on you nigger
>Dash starts reaching over to help
>fuckshitcuntniggeringdicklickers
>f-f-five
>"Not bad. Fifty pounds it is then."
>fifty
>that's just depressing
>silently, you follow your trainer over to a bar already set up on the gym floor
>"Let me see here… sixty pounds."
>she looks you over
>"That should be good for deadlifts. We might have to take a little off though. I don't really know how this'll work for a two legged… uh, thing like you."
"I know how to deadlift."
>she gives you the doubt.jpg look
>"All right then."
>you step over and give it a shot
>but your back catches fire before it gets above two inches of clearance
"Shit… fucking… damnit!"
>and the whole thing clatters to the floor
>"Oh, that's all right. I'll just take a little off."
>you can almost taste what seems to be disdain rolling off of this blue horse's tongue
>she takes ten pounds off of the bar
>and about fifty off of your sense of self-worth
>you get through deadlifts at this weight
>bent over rows go equally unimpressively
>your OHP is beyond pathetic
>"All right, Anon, we're almost done. You're not doing too bad here. This last one is pretty tough though."
>and there she is
>apart from your rig and various obscure imageboards, this beauty in front of you was the only thing you'd ever considered to be your friend
>the squat rack
>Dash misinterprets your longing gaze
>"Yeah, squats are pretty tough. I'll make this one easy on you."
>she sticks twenty pounds on the bar
>seeing your frustration, she winks and adds another ten
>"But not too easy!"
>that's just insulting
>even when you'd just started lifting you had sixty on that bar
>surely you can't be any worse than that now
>you slap an extra thirty onto it
>"Whoah there, buddy. That's a lot of weight. That's what I do!"
>fuck you cunt just you watch me squat this shit
>you step under the bar and take hold of it
>"Anon, I am talking to you! Don't take that bar!"
>it is too lake sergei
>it was always too late
>you come up
>and you go all the way down
>and you come all the way back up
>for the first time since you've met her, Rainbow Dash seems to regard you with some amount of respect
>"Anon…"
>she breaks into a sly smile
>"I didn't know you were holding back on me. You can do more than that too, can't you?"
>her tone is eerily similar to when she was encouraging you to drink at that fucking party
>but fuck yeah you can do more
>you change the weight yet again
>lmao1plaet
>it's not quite what you used to lift, but you'd really like if you could do this
>Dash is looking at you expectantly
>one
>another gym goer takes notice and wanders over
>two
>two more follow suit
>three
>a small group of cardiobunnies trots over to see all the hubbub
>four
>you're no longer focused on the growing crowd
>five
>your only feeling is the feeling of your glutes ascending to the heavens
>six
>YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME GAINS
>seven
>your left leg receives a sharp jolt
>and you come crashing down
>fortunately, the rack catches the weight
>but you get a faceful of floor all the same
>"Anon! Are you okay?"
"I'm… just… great."
>ignoring the fact that you're clearly doing less than great, Rainbow rushes you up to your feet and prances around
>the whole gym is excited
>">plz respond"
>"dat posterior chain"
>"TIME TO SCHLICK"
>"I'll take 2,2 go!"
>"It was so deep!"
>"My appres! Shamefur dispray!"
>your autism nearly makes you tell them that 90 really isn't all that much
>and then you remember that these are 3-4 foot tall quadrupeds
>and you shut up
>and you stop being a sperglord for one time in your life
>and you just bask in it

Part 8: Anon Fucking Hates Apples

>you stretch, causing the covers to fall off of your body
>Spike is asleep
>Twilight hasn't come by yet
>the sun is only just starting to peek out over the horizon
>it was during times like these, you reflect
>that you used to enjoy walking to the nearest woods and rambling about outside
>no parents reminding you of your abysmal social life
>no professors to frustrate you to insanity
>no coworkers or classmates to look at you funny
>no bosses to threaten your job
>no landlords threatening your home
>and no magic fucking pony princesses insisting that you need friends
>let's do it
>you silently get dressed for a hike as appropriately as your wardrobe allows
>and you stealthily move outside
>it's a little bit dark out yet
>and a cool, silent breeze flows past your skin
>perfect
>so you head out to the local forest
>what could possibly go wrong?
>your muscles still ache from the escapades of yesterday
>but it's not a bad pain
>like the mysterious battle scars you received from the party
>or the burning of hot rocks on your back
>…
>or rope burns on your neck
>the air is a little cooler in the forest, and the trees make it a bit dimmer
>the sound of various birds and bugs sounds through the air
>but these sounds do not disturb you
>in fact, they help you relax even more
>just you, the forest, and your thoughts
>you think of Pinkie Pie
>the energetic ball of life who got you into so much trouble
>you don't really think you'd very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her
>you think of Rarity
>a pony who enjoys the finer things in life, but doesn't much like the quiet
>you think you'd die of shame if you ever saw her again
>you think of Fluttershy
>you think you could simply sit quietly with her for hours on end, not a word needing to be spoken
>it's unfortunate the company she keeps
>and you think of Twilight Sparkle
>the one who, like it or not, saved your life
>the one who, supposedly, was once very much like you
>the one who tries to shield you from the quiet as though it were a deadly poison without being fully accustomed to the noise herself
>her good intentions can be a real bother sometimes
>you stop and realize that it's completely and totally quiet
>no birds sing, no bugs buzz
>that's interesting for a forest this size
>something snaps
>ohshitwhatwasthat
>out of the dark, quiet woods steps a monster
>like a wolf, but made of wood and with burning green eyes
>more green eyes peer out from the woods
>your internal nigger sounds off
>sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

>you once read that most predators won't chase you unless you run
>it's like a reflex or something
>unfortunately your brain is too fucked from seeing woodmonsters to remember that right now
>and you take off sprinting before any of them get within ten feet of you
>fuckfuckfuckfuck
>you're running faster than you ever thought you possibly could
>but FUCK there's no way you can outrun these things
>so you get a stupid idea
>you reach down hoping to grab a rock or a stick or something
>you grab hold of a rock, but your feet lose their traction and you slip
>you scramble into a sitting upright position and throw a rock at the nearest wolf
>they pause long enough for you to stand up and grab more rocks
>time to die
>you throw another rock and the wolves run away like the pansies they are
>blood and iron, lmao
>wait, if you're safe, then what's that roaring behind you?
>oh, it's nothing
>just a fucking scorpion-bat-lion motherfucker
>JUST
>you hastily throw your rocks at its face and run after the wolves
>by slipping between narrow spaces between the trees, you can slow it down a little bit
>but FUCK it's gonna get you if you don't find a hiding spot
>nothing good in sight
>the ground trembles in front of you as a massive four-headed dragon thing smashes its way toward you
>why the fuck do you even bother?
>you half hope the lion thing is gonna fight for its right to eat you
>but no, it's running away like a little bitch
>whatever
>you just stand there
"Fuck you, you fucking cunt."
>it fails to take offense
>just as one of its heads is about to snap you up, an axe smashes into its eye and distracts it
>you look to the left, certain that fucking yog sothoth is here just to make sure your day gets fucked up
>it's one of Twilight's friends, the orange one with the hat
>"Mr. Anon, this way now! Come on now get a move on there ain't much time!"
>oh fuck yes
>she leads you through a narrow winding path away from the shrieking monsters of the forest
>there is silence from both of you until you come upon the entrance to a great orchard of apple trees
>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin' out in the middle of the Everfree Forest, Mr. Anon?"
>you're still looking around frantically to make sure no more abominations appear
>the orange pony sighs
>"Yer safe here, Mr. Anon. This is my farm. Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres."

>you calm down, and your heartrate slows itself to about six million miles per hour
>and you get down to earth just enough to hear Applejack's reproaching question
>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin in the Everfree Forest, Anon?"
"I-I, I was, I was taking a walk."
>"A walk? You mean like a stroll? A Sunday mornin stroll through the most dangerous neck o woods in all Equestria?"
>her eyes radiate a concentrated beam of doubt into your soul
"Well how was I supposed to know it would be full of horrible monsters?"
>Applejack considers this for a moment and her hard gaze softens a bit
>"Well, I guess you are new round these parts."
>smiling gently as though absolving you of a minor social blunder, she gestures with her head
>"Come on then, sugarcube. I was gonna take the day off too, after gettin some firewood. Course, now my axe is gone. Why don't you stay for breakfast?"
>she leisurely saunters toward the big red barn in the center of the property
"S-sure."
>and you follow alongside her, but slightly behind her center
>"So what do ya think o the good princess? She treatin ya well?"
>the chaos of the past week flashes past your consciousness in an instant
"Uh, yeah, I guess so."
>"That's good."
>she spies a big red pony by the little farmhouse
>"Hey, Big Mac! Tell Granny to whip up an extra plate. We got company."
>the big guy wordlessly and casually walks inside
>"Hoo-ey. Granny Smith's the best cook this side o Canterlot. You're gonna love her cookin, I promise."
>her green eyes quickly examine your form
>"An you look like you could use a good breakfast. Good golly, boy, have you been eatin right?"
>your depression-induced lack of appetite over the past year would have been the envy of most ascetic monks
"N-not really, I guess."
>you're just about at the simple screen door now
>Applejack nudges your side with a playful hoof
>"Aw-haw, well we'll see what we can do bout that! You'll be fuller n a bit box durin cider season!"
>the countryism is lost on you
>"Let's get in there, now, Anon. It'll get cold!"
>with an exaggerated trot, the horse who just saved your life goes inside and makes loud greetings to her kinsfolk
>oh dear
>there's nothing for it but to follow her inside
>instantly, a little yellow pony finds her way to your feet
>"Hi! Are you Mr. Anon? I'm Apple Bloom and I'm glad to meet ya! The whole town has been buzzin ever since Pinkie Pie's p-"
>"Apple Bloom! Give our guest some space!"
>"Just sit right there, sugarcube. Breakfast'll be out in a pinch."

----------------------------------------------------------------

>Applejack was right
>Granny Smith makes some bomb ass breakfast
>you honestly didn't realize how fast you were eating
>and your plate is empty
>"Shoot Anon. Y'all weren't kiddin about not eatin right. You must've been starvin!"
>the old green pony who must be Granny Smith interjects
>"A great big feller like that needs his vittles, darlin! You want some more apple fritters, Anonymous?"
"Uh, n-no thank you."
>you nervously glance out the window
"I should probably get going now."
>Applejack responds uproariously
>"Nonsense! You should stick around for a spell! We're gonna have a nice, relaxin Sunday and we want you to join us."
>they want you to join them?
"O-okay."
>you sure do hope they don't change their minds
>the family finishes eating and giving their best compliments to the cook
>then things move to the front porch
>there's three rocking chairs and a two-seat swing set up
>you take a seat on the swing, hoping that it wasn't anybody's chosen spot
>the adults all find their chairs
>and Apple Bloom jumps up next to you
>and it's quiet
>you nervously observe for a moment before realizing
>it's not a bad quiet
>usually when you're with company and it's quiet, it's because you're an awkward sperglord who doesn't know what to say
>but here, nothing needs to be said
>after a week of hard work, the ponies of a farming family have stuffed themselves
>they intend to sit in the pleasant, quiet company of each other until the slight ache in their stomachs goes away
>it takes you a few moments more to relax yourself
>when it happens, you notice it
>your muscles seem to slide into a more comfortable position under your skin
>your back sinks into the cushion behind you until it hits the resistance of the wooden frame
>your vision expands as the skin around your eyes and mouth simply revert to a natural state of non-use
>the sound of your own breath sounds in your ears as you allow yourself to exhale fully
>you didn't even notice what you felt like until it went away
>okay
>"Mr. Anon?"
>and it all comes rushing back
>it's Apple Bloom
>you look at her attentively, unsure what, if anything, you're supposed to say here
>"Do you have your cutie mark?"
>what
"My what?"
>"You know,"
>the underage horse enthusiastically shoves her butt in your face
>"your cutie mark!"
>she seems to be proudly displaying the picture on it
>it's a tricolor shield with an apple in the center
>"It's what shows your special talent! The one thing you can do that makes you unique."
>Applejack chuckles
>"Heh, this little'un just got hers, and she's prounder'n a peach over it. It's a right special mark too."
"What is it?"
>"It means that I can help you understand what your cutie mark means and who you're supposed to be! I spent so long searchin for my own special talent that I guess searchin for special talents became my special talent!"
>that's a hell of a talent

>Applejack introduces more examples to you, gesturing to her own impressive hips
>"These here apples mean that I'm supposed to be an apple farmer, and Big Mac's got the same talent. Granny Smith, as you surely already know, is the greatest apple chef in all Equestria."
>you look and see that the mentioned ponies have butt stamps coinciding with Applejack's claims
>Apple Bloom turns to you
>"So what's your special talent? Oh wait, don't tell me! I wanna see, I wanna see your mark!"
>she starts frantically pawing at your wasteband in an attempt to see the alleged goods within
>you freeze the fuck up
>"Apple Bloom! Ya can't go round disrobin folks! Anon's not like us; he probably doesn't get one. Do ya?"
"N-no."
>Apple Bloom looks disappointed
>"Oh."
>"Well you can still have a special talent, right? What is it?"
>special talent?
>the child's question prompts some serious thought on your part
>you spent your childhood shirking off homework and avoiding people
>you've spent your adult life flitting from activity to activity depending on what your interest of the week was
>hiking, cooking, lifting, gardening, drawing, writing, programming, even philosophical thought, to name just a few
>you sometimes even came back to some of them every few months or so
>but you never really stuck with anything long enough to get good at anything
>just long enough to know how to shitpost about it
>but a single special talent?
>you certainly didn't lack any of the physical traits necessary to get one
>you weren't short, ugly, prone to obesity, or unintelligent
>you just
>never did anything
>Apple Bloom gets tired of waiting for your train of thought to come to a stop
>"What's yer special talent, Anon? What are ya good at?"
>her massive, glimmering eyes meet your tiny, darting ones
>the silence is oppressive once again
"U-uh, let me get back to you on that."
>and you get up
>and you leave
>and you can almost feel the awkward tension radiating from the porch into the back of your head until you're out of sight
>what the fuck are you good at?

Part 9: Anon Fucking Hates Friendship

>you feel it from the second you woke up
>today will be a terrible day
>you don't know how you know, as things are still quiet
>perhaps it's the sticky sensation of the accumulated misadventures of the past week lurching around in your soul
>perhaps it's some feeling of hopelessness at your inability to answer the question of yesterday
>perhaps it's the fact that you went all day yesterday without speaking to Twilight once, and had gone the past two days without speaking to her outside of breakfast
>perhaps it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come today
>it's five in the morning
>you're lying awake in bed
>you don't know why, but you know that today will be hell
>and then it hits you
>specifically, the sound of shouting poinies hits you
>"C'mon, it's going this way!"
>"This is Spike's room! It's Anon's room too!"
>"Maybe it won't go in."
>a floating purple star flies through the door
>shit fuckcuntering damnit fucking purple nigger jew kike wop sheeny bastards on a raft in shitfuck land
>you close your eyes and desperately try to pretend to be asleep
>the door crashes open and the sound of hooves thunders across the crystal tile
>a thud to your left and a nasally groan alerts you to the fact that Spike's slumber has been disturbed
>"Hey, what gives? It's five in the… whoah…"
>Rainbow Dash's voice explains Spike's evident wonder
>"It's circling over Anon's head."
>you continue your feigned sleep, knowing full well that you won't be left in peace any time soon
>"B-but why would it do that?"
>"Maybe it's a sign that Nonny is the Chosen One!"
>"Chosen what now, pardner?"
>"What would the map possibly choose Anon for, darling?"
>"Well, none of your cutie marks are signalling, only mine. Maybe the map wants me to take Anon."
>an awkward silence tells you that nobody likes the idea of you being chosen by some magical map any more than you do
>a hoof delivers a gentle yet firm shake to your shoulder
>"Anon? We need you to get up. This is important."
>you don't bother to fake waking up
>your eyes just open
>"Anon, get dressed and come downstairs. We're going somewhere today."
"Sure."
>the purple star zips out of the room
>"It's going this way!"
>"After it!"
>five ponies rush into the passageway
>Twilight stays behind and rubs your scalp for about ten seconds
>"Just meet us downstairs soon, Anon. Okay?"
"Okay"
>as Twilight leaves, you make a point to glance at her butt
>there's that same purple star on it
>what could a mark like that even mean?

>you get out of bed and head downstairs
>the six ponies are gathered around the table with the map
>in the same marked thrones where they sat during that awful breakfast
>their faces are deadly serious
>Twilight's cutie mark hovers over the Crystal Empire
>it seems to notice you and brighten up considerably
>Rainbow speaks up
>"Well, that settles it. Anon is supposed to go with you on this one."
>Twilight agrees
>"I can't really see any other interpretation to this. Anon has to be the one to come with me on this quest."
>she looks to you
>"I think I can kind of see why. Anon, you've made progress over the past week. I understand that you've opened up considerably more than I expected you would this early on."
>"I know it must not feel like it, but a lot of ponies around town know who you are, Anon. They think you're great. Not only for the things you never meant to do at the party, but also from your amazing display of strength at the gym. You can't see it yet, but you're giving an aura, Anon. An aura that draws ponies in."
>"You're not ready to fully integrate into a friendship-based society, but you're getting there. And I certainly think you're ready to help me solve whatever friendship problem may arise in the Crystal Empire."
>there's a tightness in your throat
>there's a lead weight in your gut
>there's a wet heat in your eyes
>never in all your life
>have you ever heard
>such a nice-sounding pile of horseshit
>you don't believe a fucking word of it
>you're about to start feeling pissed when Rarity pipes up
>"Oh, Twilight. An excursion to the Crystal Empire could easily turn out to be dangerous! Anonymous is just so… delicate."
>Fluttershy adds her two cents
>"Oh, it's true! Anon is so sensitive! What if he can't take it?!"
>Rainbow Dash disagrees
>"Of course he can take it! Anon is strong!"
>Pinkie Pie also leaps to your defense
>"Yeah! Anon is a ka-razy party animal!"
>Applejack is the only one who doesn't voice an opinion
>she just stares at you
>the orange farm pony delivers a perfect poker face in your direction
>Twilight interrupts the debate
>"It doesn't matter. We have to trust the map's judgement. If it says I take Anon, then I'll take Anon. There's nothing else to be said for it, girls."
>"Twilight, please let us come with you then! Anon isn't prepared for whatever's coming!"
>"No, Fluttershy. If you were supposed to come, we would know. This is the end of the discussion."
>a tense silence fills the air
>all this bickering over some faggot like you
>you suppress a cynical giggle
"All right, let's go then!"
>you're so not ready for whatever this shit is
>you don't even know what the fuck it's supposed to be
>like it fucking matters

----------------------------------------------------------------

>for a while the chugging of the train is all there is
>your mind is blank
>there is only rapid, repetitive, regular sound of the locomotive
>and the quickly sliding landscape, moving ever backward
>the way it's peppered with constantly changing distortion from little beads of rain gathering on a pane of glass
>but there's nothing in your mind
>at least, not until the thought of "I'm not thinking of anything at all" crosses your mind
>fuck shit no damnit why fuck you fucking thoughts go away
>the more frantically you try to suppress your brain's activity, the more words it produces
>shit fucking damnit
>now you have to think about it
>think about what exactly?
>you look around the train cabin
>you see Twilight Sparkle sitting next to you
>she's clearly just as "deep in thought" as you were a minute ago
>Twilight's as good a place as any to start internally griping from
>you're sitting next to a magic unicorn princess with wings in a train on your way to a crystal city that calls itself an empire
>you are sitting next to a literal princess like you just don't give a shit
>and she is a talking horse
>this is all so fucking wierd
>you remember now that, when you were in high school, you had to read Gulliver's Travels
>most people didn't really get it past Lilliput
>but the part that had gotten to you the most was the last part
>with the Houyhnhnms
>essentially, a utopic nation of talking horses
>no stealing, no violence, no dishonesty
>they just couldn't comprehend these concepts
"Twilight?"
>it takes her a moment to realize she's been addressed
>she briefly mumbles something and looking around until her eyes settle on you
>"Yes, Anon?"
"Have you ever heard of 'lying'?"
>she gives you a look
>"Lying?"
"You know, saying that which is not."
>"No, I-I know what lying is, but… why would you ask me that?"
>well, Mr. Swift
>your vision was a little off
"No reason."
>"Do you wanna talk or something?"
"Sure."
>fuck
>you answered before you could think about it
>now comes the brief, awkward period where you stare at Twilight
>and she stares at you
>and you try to think of something to talk about
>fortunately, you're saved by the whistle of the train
>and a stallion with olympian ivory sideburns trots through the cabin
>"We have reached the Crystal Empire. All ashore who's goin' ashore."
>"We can talk in a little bit, Anon. Let's go. I didn't send word that I was coming, so hopefully Princess Cadance doesn't hold us up."

>Twilight slips into a raincoat before getting off the train
>"To hide the wings."
>and you're off
>"Okay"
>she pulls out a map of the city
>"Now, we should start searching for the problem right away. There's no way of telling just how serious this could be."
>okay
>so you walk off in a direction that catches your fancy
>Twilight notices after a moment and runs to catch up with you
>"Anon! Anon! Wait up! We can't just split up like this, you don't know your way around the Crystal Empire!"
"Neither do you."
>"I've got the map."
"Has a map of the area ever actually helped you find one of these problems before?"
>"W-well, it's never a bad idea to have a map!"
"How are we supposed to figure out what's going on anyway?"
>"In the past we've always just sort of stumbled across the problem."
"So let's go stumble around the city."
>"It's an Empire, Anon."
>what kind of shitty empire is a tiny piece of territory within a kingdom?
>whatever
>you're still walking in the direction you started off on, friendship horse princess in tow
>it's terribly striking just how comfortable you've grown with her
>"So…"
>you look at her
>"What was that about lying earlier?"
"Just some book I read when I was a kid."
>"A book? What are the books like where you're from? What sort of book was this?"
"It was a satire written against human society a long time ago. It was about a sailor who kept getting stranded in fantastical civilizations."
>she seems to have a general idea of where you're going with this
"In his final adventure, he comes to a perfect nation ruled by talking horses. There's no lying, no stealing, no violence, no crime. The only trouble is a vicious animal that looks and acts like a human being, but lacks human intelligence. The sailor loves living here, but in the end, he's…"
>Anon's not like us
"…just not like they are, so they have to banish him forever. He goes home and loses his mind, now fully aware that he'll always be stuck with a highly flawed society, a highly flawed body of peers, and a highly flawed self."
>Twilight doesn't respond right away
>"Wow. You've never opened up like that before, Anon."
"I guess."
>"Do you really think Equestria is like this place you described? You know, we do have lying and stealing and crime and whatnot."
>you look around, seeing nothing but happy, smiling, brilliantly shining ponies radiating warmth and familiarity in all directions
>you feel that in a big city like this back on Earth, you'd have good cause to be afraid of bodily harm right now
"Maybe so, but not to the extent that we had it. And you ponies have other desirable traits that human society lacks."
>"Like what?"
"Like, what you did for me. Most humans would have just said something insincere about how horrible it was that some young fellow would off himself like that and move along with their lives. Nobody would have really cared."

"And all my life I've been like this. Alone. The others all just… knew that I wasn't like them somehow, and they stayed as far away as possible. All of my deepest interactions with others haven't involved anything more intimate that shooting bullshit with someone who was forced to be around me daily for work or school reasons. Nobody would ever try to to reach out to me, least of all someone important like you."
>Twilight abruptly stops walking, forcing you to halt in your tracks and turn to face her
>"Nobody? Nobody at all? Not even your family? Anon, up until a few years ago I'd spent my whole life avoiding getting close to others, but I always had my family to turn to when I needed support."
>your family
>there's a shitfest you've given no thought to in a long time
>if Twilight was ever anything like you she'll answer this question the way you think she will
"How often did you turn to them after moving out?"
>"N-not very often."
>"But Spike was always around! And I kept in constant correspondance with Princess Celestia! It's something, Anon! You had somebody!"
>you think hard for a moment, prompted by the unexpected display of passion
>your family again comes to mind, but you rapidly banish the thought from your brain
>you had a few friends when you were little, but early on you started developing in a radically different direction from the way they went
>when high school started some folks briefly tried to recruit you into their social circles
>but those circles were just too loud, too bright, and too hot for you
>after a couple weeks you - almost involuntarily - would actively avoid them, and they always stopped talking to you after that
>college was much of the same
>by the time you got your first job it was too late for you
>by this point you'd stopped giving a shit, you crafted an entertaining mask and displayed it whenever your coworkers tried to see you
>they appreciated you to some extent at work, but not one of them really viewed you as an equal
>water cooler bullshit or not, they still knew that you weren't like them
>at least, that's the impression you got
>and after you quit that hellhole, you went NEET and lost all contact with everyone you'd ever known
>and now you're here
"None that I can think of, Twilight."
>you've practiced this conversation a billion times
>but never, in all the years since you first conceived it, did you ever dare to speak it aloud
>it's left you feeling squishy, cold, and vulnerable
>"Anon, I-"
>she's interrupted by a mighty roar of displeasure
>you both look across the street to see a gray and black stallion being goaded along down the sidewalk by an elderly, onyx crystal pony
>he doesn't have a cutie mark
>you want to label him a pathetic autist, but all you can do right now is feel
>Twilight, on the other hand, is petrified at the sight

ACT II: The Time is Coming When Betas Will Decide the Fate of Us All
Part 1: Sombra Fucking Loves Tendies

>the grey stallion shouts at his elderly companion
>"I DEMAND THE TENDIES THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE"
>the old mare tut-tuts in reply
>"Now Sombra, darling. You know that crystal tenders are ten good boy points, not five."
>"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE CRYSTAL TENDIES IS WHAT I DESIRE"
>"Sombra, sweetheart, you're making a scene. Let's get back home and I'll make you some haygel bites."
>grumbling about grave insults and scowling, Sombra lowers his head and follows his mother quietly
>goodness fucking gracious
>that poor, poor mother
>Twilight shoves you with her hoof
>"Anon, get behind me!"
"Wh-why?"
>"Do it!"
>without checking to see if you obeyed her order, the princess of friendship stretches her wings, tearing the flimsy raincoat from her body
>her horn glows an increasingly brilliant purple
>"King Sombra! You are not welcome in this land!"
>holy fucking niggers
>she's going to murder that autistic pony
>you should do something about this
>"T-Twilight! Is that you?"
>seemingly out of nowhere, a pink princess pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder with a nervous smile
>"Cadance, what are you doing? That's King Sombra!"
>"Y-yeah, that's him all right. He's been back for a couple weeks now."
>"A couple weeks? How come there hasn't been any news about this?"
>Cadance looks between Twilight and Sombra a few times
>"He's… not really doing anything newsworthy is he?"
>Twilight looks between Cadance and Sombra a few times
>he's just standing there scowling
>her horn stops glowing
>"I-I guess not."
>"Well, why don't you and your friend here come visit for dinner in the castle? I'll explain everything there."
>Cadance calls out across the street
>"Oh, Bismuth, would you and your son care to join me and Princess Twilight for dinner?"
>"Why, that would be lovely! Sombra, come along now. We're going to eat with the princesses."
>all of Sombra's rage dissipates and he timidly shuffles behind his mother across the street toward you
>Twilight looks to you, evidently distressed
>"Is this what the map sent us here for? What's going on?"
>you shrug, grunt, and follow the group toward a crystal castle that's arguably uglier than the one you've been living in for the past week

Part 2: A Shitty Fucking Evening

>you don't know how the fuck this happened
>this is the second royal banquet hall in which you've sat down to a meal
>you feel fancy as hell
>you're pulled out of this thought when you hear someone reference you
>"Hey, Twily! You didn't say you were coming over. Who's your friend?"
>"Oh, um, Anon? He's just, uh, you know."
>the stocky, blue-haired chad pony apparently doesn't know
>he stares at Twilight to get her to make him know until it becomes apparent that she's unwilling to elaborate any further
>thanks for the glowing introduction, you purple bastard
>"Okay then. Well, Anon, I'm Shining Armor. Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."
>you intended to say something that didn't sound severely socially retarded
"Y-you too."
>but it just didn't come out that way
>fortunately, the important folks have much more important things to discuss as dinner is brought out on platters
>oh boy, various grasses and flowers
>de-fucking-licious
>Twilight is anxious to get down to business right away
>"So Cadance, care to explain why he's here?"
>in obvious reference to Sombra
>"He showed up a couple of weeks ago. We were going to banish him to the frozen wastes, but his mother pleaded with us to let him stay. He doesn't seem to have his dark powers anymore, so we put him on a sort of probation."
>"Cadance, that stallion is a war-criminal and a despot! Dark powers or not, he's too dangerous to just be let loose on the Crystal Empire."
>Sombra's mother butts in
>"He's a good boy! He's just always had a hard time ever since his father and I broke up. Conquering the Crystal Empire was just a cry for help!"
>she's talking about a grown ass adult like he's a little boy
>Sombra himself doesn't seem to care about the apparent slight, busying himself with the arrangement of the blue flower petals on his plate
>Cadance puts out another case for Sombra
>"Twilight, don't be so quick to judge Sombra. It's my understanding that you're good friends with at least one war criminal and attempted despot yourself."
>"W-well, Discord is more Fluttershy's friend than mine…"
>fucking Discord
>what kind of cuck nation lets multiple would-be-conquerers walk around free within its borders?
>aw shit they're bringing out the deserts now
>it looks like something you can digest this time
>brownies next to hot coacoa
>awww yeeee
>the princesses continue their discussion, ignoring the bountiful cache laid out on the table
>only you and Sombra go to grab any
>unfortunately, your hand finds its way onto one brownie that Sombra has already magic'd
>"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>you don't fucking know how this happened
>you're under heavy fire from brownie projectiles
>general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations
>warning status: red
>you're normally too much of a beta pushover to get mad
>but this is too fucking much
>you attempt to beat the shit out of the little shit
>perhaps fortunately for you, you find yourself whisked away to another room in a bright flash of purple
>Twilight is glaring daggers at you
>"ANON"
>time to get bitched at, son

Part 3: What I Learned in Friendship School

>"ANON"
>your resolve vanishes at the prospect of a stern talking to
>you shake and shudder and simply stare in response
>"YOU CAN'T GO AROUND ASSAULTING PONIES"
"H-h-h-h-h-h-hhe threw brownies and hot coacoa at me though…"
>"THAT'S… THAT'S…"
>"Look, Anon. I really think this is what the map sent us up here for. It would just mean so much to me if you just helped me help Sombra here."
>how are you supposed to help the bastard?
>you're barely more adjusted than he is
"What can I possibly do to help him?"
>Twilight is momentarily stumped
>she magics up a pen and parchment
>"I know you're not very far along yet, but I think it would be really helpful to Sombra if he could get some advice from another junior student in friendship."
>junior student in friendship?
>goodness fucking gracious
"Advice?"
>"Yeah. Just write down what you've learned this week."
>you haven't learned anything
>after an awkward pause, she places the pen into your hand
>"You must have learned something, Anon. Here, let me start it for you."
>she magics your hand and the pen within and begins reciting what she's writing
>"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"
>she admires her handiwork for a second and giggles
>"There. I'm gonna go apologize to Cadance for you. I'll be back in a bit when you're done."
>oh fuck
>alone with nothing but this awful task, you panic a little and start talking to yourself
"Okay."
"Okay."
"What the fuck did I learn?"
>…
>inspiration strikes you
"That's fukken it, son."
>and you compose what must be, in your humble opinion, your most masterful shitpost ever

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Done."
>"R-really?"
"Yep."
>she seems disappointed
>"Are you sure? I have some good writing tips for you."
"It's done."
>"Okay then, let's see what you've got so far."
>she reads the opening line with a great big smile
>"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"
>and her face transforms into one that grows increasingly frustrated
>"The fat chicks really do eat dick the best…"
>"The disadvantages of not having a coat of fur…"
>"That, no matter how hard you try to be friends with someone, there will always be a… chad?… to fuck everything up…"
>"That… sloots love… gloots…"
>"And that some people aren't good at anything and should probably just not even try…"
>the paper whips into the floor
>she looks pissed
>"ANON!"
>you are 'abbin the giggle of your life right now
>"This isn't funny!"
>you clearly think it's pretty funny
>even after the paper slaps into your face multiple times
>"Anon, this is important! I'm sure Sombra is the reason why the map sent us here, and I know it picked you to come for a reason!"
>the genuine frustration beats you back into beta mode, and you pay attention
>"Look, Anon, I know you're not quite a social butterfly like the rest of us"
>damn son
>"But you don't seem to want to hurt yourself anymore."
>"So, as per our agreement, I can release you from your servitude."
>AW SHIT NIGGA
>"You won't have to live in the castle, you can have your tent back, and I won't be constantly breathing down your neck anymore."
>fuckin nice, son
>"You will, of course, receive visits from me on a semi-weekly basis. To make sure you're doing okay and to continue your education in friendship."
>i-it's still a better deal than what you've got now
>"But first"
>shit
>"You have to help me with Sombra."
"But how will we know when we're done?"
>Twilight waves her ass in your face like it's a perfectly normal thing to do
>When this"
>she touches the purple star on her butt
>"starts flashing again, we'll know we're done here."
>you take it all in for a moment
>"You don't have to have that paper written up today, but you do need to have it done, and you will interact with Sombra until we're done here."
"And then I'm free?"
>"And then you're free. Good night, Anon."
>she leaves
>a yellow pegasus pony wearing crystal armor walks in and gives you a face somewhere between a friendly smile and a superior smirk
>"Let me show you to your room, sir."

Part 4: Anon Makes a New Buddy (Anon Really Fucking Hates Flash Sentry)

"S-sure."
>"All right, right this way, buddy."
>>buddy
>the walk through the castle goes more or less quietly
>you really, really hope this guy doesn't have anything to say to you
>"So I heard you tried to off yourself, buddy."
>what the fuck
>you're a hopeless autist, and even you're pretty damn sure you don't say that kind of thing
"Wh-what?"
>"You know, buddy, when you grab the rope and you tie it off and you do the ol' 'look-ma-no-hooves' dance up in the air."
>holy shitlicking fucking jewniggers
>shut the fuck up
"U-uh…"
>"Don't wanna talk about it, huh? Yeah, man, I feel you, buddy. Some of my best friends tried it too. Can't really blame 'em, you know? We lost some real good stallions in the Battle of Canterlot, and that kind of thing messes with a guy, you know."
>goodness fuck that's some heavy shit
"So why'd you do it, buddy? Were you in some kinda war when you were back at home or something?"
>because you were lonely
>because nobody liked you
>because tfw no gf
>fucking shit that all sounds so fucking trivial in comparison to what he just told you
>how the fuck do you even respond?
"Uh…"
>"Ah, and here's your room right here, buddy. Your stuff should already be in there. Have a good night, buddy."
>>buddy
>he turns away and begins to canter off down the passageway
>you turn to face him with your response
"Y-you too."
>he doesn't seem to hear
>you hastily turn back toward your room
>but you turn too fast, and your feet get caught in one another
>it's too late, you're going down
>you hit the crystal floor hard
>in seemingly an instant, your armored traveling companion is at your side
>"Oh, gotta be careful with this crystal floor, it sure can be slippery. Need some help, buddy?"
>you hastily prop yourself up on your hands
"Nono, I'm good. It wasn't the floor being slippery anyway, it was just-"
>your hand slips on the smooth crystal surface, and you're treated to another face-fuck from the floor
>it doesn't even matter anymore
>you've half a mind to just sleep there for the night
>on the cold, crystal floor
>kept warm in a nest of your own spaghetti

Part 5: A War is Declared

>you ended up not sleeping on the floor
>somehow you managed to get to your bed
>and now, with sunlight filtering through the incredibly impractical crystal walls, you wake up
>you feel itchy
>you slowly sit up in your bed and scratch at your face
>ngah, fuck, that makes it worse
>this can't fucking be good
>did you leave your door open last night?
>you always close the door when you enter a bedroom
>why the fuck is that door open then?
>Twilight's voice assaults your ears from a distance
>"Anooon! Are you getting up? There's breakfast down here!"
"What is it?"
>"Pancakes!"
"Again?"
>"Get down here!"
>all right; this shouldn't be a problem
>just don't scratch yourself
>you throw the sheets off and force yourself to stand on the floor
>you never bothered undressing last night, so you simply head out the door
>where the hell do you even go?
>this castle is fucking huge
>"Anooooon!"
>that way, you decide to go that way
>your keen listening is rewarded with a set of sparkling stairs
>you step onto the stairs, and suddenly the rubbing of your clothing against your body reminds you that you're fucking itchy
>it takes a mighty effort to resist the need to scratch yourself, but you manage
>mostly
>or, mostly not
>by the time you reach the foot of the stairs, the itching is replaced with a sort of pleasant pain that only ten anxious fingernails can bring
>from the base of the stairs it's a straight path to a dining chamber, where Twilight and the others from last night are waiting for you
>Twilight approaches you
>"Anon, there you are. You look… red. Moreso than usual."
"Well I wouldn't look fucking green, now would I?"
>"Are you sure you're all right?"
>that autistic grey pony who's apparently the reason you're here speaks up
>"Maybe he's got scabies!"
>that's an oddly specific diagnosis to be making from fifty feet away
>Twilight cocks her head
>"Scabies? No, it's probably just-"
>Twilight's purple magic skims your skin and brings some sort of speck up to her eye
>"Sarcoptes scabiei. It is scabies! Anon, how did this happen? You bathe regularly, right?"
"Of course! My last shower was only…"
>oh fuck
>it has been a good spell, hasn't it?
>maybe not since you lived on Earth
>but still
>"Anon!"
"No, no no, no! There's no way…"
>the open door
>the uncanny diagnosis
>it reeks of foul play
>you point to the austistic pony
"He did this!"
>he touches his hoof to his chin and smiles
>Twilight isn't convinced
>"Anon! Sombra absolutely did not give you scabies! This sort of thing doesn't happen with proper hygiene! Anon, you're filthy!"
>the pink princess pony speaks up
>"Twilight, the castle has bathing rooms. Feel free to take your friend to one of them."
>you feel like you're going to try to kill yourself again
>Twilight is visibly embarrassed by the offer too
>"Thank you, Cadance. I'll do that right now."
>Twilight's horn purples and grabs your ear
>and as she drags you off, all you can see is Sombra
>smiling at you
>smugly

----------------------------------------------------------------

>"Strip."
"Wh-what?"
>"Strip!"
"I can bathe myself, you fucking horse!"
>Twilight magically grabs your shirt and yanks upwards on it
>"Apparently not!"
"No, seriously, fuck off, I need privacy for this!"
>"Nope! You humiliated me; now I'm gonna humiliate you!"
>she mad
>Twilight grabs your arms and forces them up
>the shirt slides over your head and you're topless
"Oh, come on! You can't possibly-"
>"Last time I checked, you were still my vassal, and you were still bound to do everything I say!"
"B-but that was just-"
>your pants glow purple, and they begin to try to jerk downwards
"No, fucking stop!"
>Twilight finally manages to yank your pants down
>after they've fallen to your ankles, she yanks them to the side
>the pants come free, knocking your shoes off with them and sending you tumbling to the floor in prone position
>you were never issued underpants, so Twilight is treated to a big faceful of ass
>Twilight whacks your butt with her hoof to knock it away from her
>it falls to the floor with the rest of you, and roll over onto your back and groan
>"Get in the tub."
>somehow you don't feel like resisting any more
>you crawl over to the tub, climb over the edge, and collapse into the lukewarm water
>"Eeeew! Anon, the water is turning brown already!"
>bullshit
>it definitely looks more grey than brown
>Twilight grabs your head with her hoof and dunks it under the water
"Do that again, please. Only hold it there this time."
>Twilight's uses her hoof to smack the back of your head
>"Don't joke like that!"
>it's funny that she assumes it was a joke
>your scalp is bombarded with a sudden glop of cold, liquid soap
>and you're quickly dunked under the water again
>"Wait here. I'll be right back."
>it's extra funny that you have no memory of almost dying at any point until you tried to kill yourself last week
>because you're sure that you must have died at some point
>because Equestria is obviously some sort of hell
>"Here it is. Bend over, Anon."
>you see Twilight holding a very thickly-bristled scrubbing brush
"Wh-whatever happened to friendship and all that?"
>"Sometimes friendship is tough love, pal."
>the brush is applied to your back
>and somewhere, in the maelstrom of pain inflicted by it, a thought forms
>the thought?
>you're gonna fucking get Sombra back for this shit

Part 6: Anon Shares a Friendship Lesson

>"Hey Anon, why don't you tell Sombra something you learned this week?"
>you, Twilight, and Sombra are all walking through some sort of park
>it's a moderately-sized patch of green grass, dotted with giant, pastel crystals that cast colorful shadows in the afternoon sun
>a few translucent ponies can be seen sparsely spread across the park, enjoying a midday stroll with family, friends, and lovers
>from where you tread on the simple yet clean dirt path, you can see the  city - empire, whatever - to your right
>to your left, whatever artificial weather magic these crystal horses have ends, and you can see out into miles and miles of frozen tundra
>you've been preparing for a question just like this ever since Twilight violated you this morning
>this is your chance to strike back at the autistic menace
"Just be yourself :)"
>hot damn
>you could actually feel the smiley face rolling off of your tongue
>Twilight beams at you
>"That's great advice, Anon. I didn't realize you were on to such advanced friendship principles!"
>perfect
>she doesn't suspect a thing
>Sombra looks confused
>"Be... myself?"
>Twilight nods and points to a mother with her daughter walking toward the three of you
>"That's right. Try saying hello to those two. Remember, just be yourself."
>oh shit
>you didn't intend to traumatize any baby horses with this
>it's too late to stop it now
>Sombra touches his chin and mumbles
>"Be... myself..."
>he puts his hoof on the ground, puts his chin up high, and strides authoritatively over to the approaching pair
>the little horse sees him coming and clings to the mother horse
>the mother horse stops and tries to comfort her child
>"It's all right, sweetheart. The princess says he's okay now. Don't be rude now."
>then Sombra arrives
>and he arrives really fucking close
>he stops and stares for a minute
>then, he leans forward and sniffs the mother's hair
>the poor thing is actually shuddering harder than her daughter at this point
>and then he says it
>"Griiiiizzzdal zzzzlaaaaaaaves..."
>the crystal horses jump so high into the air that you can actually see the sun shining through them
>they hit the ground running and fucking book it back into the city
>Twilight runs over to Sombra, who appears thoroughly perplexed
>"Sombra, why the hell did you do that?!"
>it's too much
>your sides fly off of your body and detonate over Moscow
>you're crying with laughter
"He was just being himself, Twilight!"
>"What?!"
"He was just being himself!"
>and through the tears of mirth that obscure your vision
>you can see him
>Sombra
>he's glowering at you
>and his eyes flash green and purple

Part 7: Anon is Unusually Candid

>you hold open the door for Twilight, still chuckling
>Twilight passes into the castle, Sombra close behind
>Sombra disappears around a corridor, fuming
>Twilight stops in the vestibule to wait for you
>you let go of the door and look at her, wondering what she wants
>"Anon, I don't understand why you'd try to trick Sombra like that."
>ah, so she's upset about that number
>she scratches her head
>"Furthermore, I don't understand why you'd use good advice to do it."
>you scoff
"What? 'Bee you'reself?'"
>"Yeah. How is that a trick? It was one of the first and most important friendship lessons I ever learned."
>you scoff again, louder this time
"And that, your highness, is why you don't get it. That's why you haven't fixed me and why you won't be able to fix Sombra either."
>"Anon, 'fix'? I never said you were broken."
"Exactly. I'm not broken. Neither is Sombra. We're both exactly the way we were made."
>"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that for some people, "just be yourself" is bad advice. For someone like me, "myself" is not the sort of person anyone wants to associate with. Believe it or not, unpleasant people don't make friends."
>Twilight pauses
>and she thinks
>and she responds
>"Anon, I don't believe a word of what you're saying. I don't think you believe a word of what you're saying! You're not an unpleasant person, and I don't think Sombra has to be either."
"Oh, come on. Even you tried to get rid of me. You tried to dump me off in bug-eyed not-human land on day one."
>"Anon, that was, that was… Anon, you're being-"
"Unpleasant?"
>she sighs
>she looks down
>"Unusually candid."
>now it's your turn to pause
>yeah, this conversation wouldn't have been possible at the beginning of last week
>the "you" you'd come to know would have simply stood mostly silently
>he'd have given terse, one-word replies designed to give Twilight what she wanted and end the conversation as quickly as possible
>schadenfreude overcomes you as you realize what you're doing
"Exactly. Just being myself."
>Twilight's head jerks
>she scrunches her face and glares at you
>then she does a prompt about-face
>"This conversation isn't over, Anon."
>and she walks out into the corridor
>"I'll be in the library if you need me."
>and she disappears around the corner

Part 8: Anon's Stressful Night

>whatever
>it's never too early to go to bed
>you wish fucking Twilight Sparkle had never bothered with you in the first place
>at the very least, you wouldn't be here right now
>you trudge up the nearest staircase
>upon reaching the appropriate floor, you take the appropriate turn
>"Uh, hey."
>you turn to see who's speaking to you
>it's Twilight's brother, sitting at a desk in a sort of office with the door open
"Uh, hey."
>"What's Twily so mad about?"
>the floor suddenly becomes very interesting, like a magnet for your eyes
"I, uh, I dunno."
>"Oh, well, uh. Okay. I sure do hate seeing her like that. You sure you don't know?"
"I dunno."
>"Right. Well, if you see her, be sure to ask. When I asked, she wouldn't tell me."
"Sure."
>"All right. Have a good day then, Mr., uh, Nonermus."
"You too."
>the door to the office glows blue and closes
>Twilight said she was in the library…
>you could maybe go see if there was anything you could say
>or you could not do that and just sleep the shitty day away.
>sleep sounds better to be honest
>you trudge over to the room you were given
>and you make your way over to the bed you were given
>and you collapse
>and you pass out

----------------------------------------------------------------

>and you wake up
>you're on fucking fire lad
>your eyes shoot wide open in reaction to extreme pain
>big mistake
>boiling hot water streams off of your face into your eyes
>you quickly bolt your eyes shut and make to wipe as much of the steaming liquid off of you as you can
>after rolling around for a bit, your body finds its way off of the edge of the bed and onto the floor
>the ringing in your ears dissipates after what feels like hours
>your brain starts thinking after what feels like days
>you chance to crack your eyes open
>before you stands Sombra, holding a steaming pot in a field of blood red magic
>he's not even smiling
>he's just staring at you, simmering and glaring
>you don't even need to think about what you're going to do next
"All right that's it you little shit."
>you charge your assailant, arms stretched out wide
>the impact happens before he can react, and sends you both tumbling to the floor
>you land on top of him and waste no time in pummeling his face to the best of your skinny arms' abilities
>of course, hooves at the end of thick forelegs can do a bit more damage
>Sombra's collide into your sides and you fall off of him
>he springs to his hooves and stands over you
>his horn glows that blood red color
>he closes his eyes hard, and his magic starts to expel black bubbles and transition into a greenish color
>his horn slowly appears to darken from the onyx color of his coat
>geez-o-fuck, no
>you pull your legs in
>the door to your room opens
>you kick into Sombra as hard as your panicking, enraged body can manage
>a female voice from the hallway
>"Anon, what is going on in-"
>it's a hell of a kick
>Sombra goes flying
>the sound of a sprawling impact resonates throughout the castle
>you slowly rise to your feet, conscious of blood and pus running down your cheek
>Sombra jumps to his hooves and runs in your direction, his horn lowered to point straight forward
>you note in a moment that his horn is again an ordinary unicorn's horn
>he never makes it to you
>his tail glows purple and yanks him backward
>he slides back into the hall, revealing someone you wanted to see even less right now
>"Anon!"
>wings outstretched and eyes on fire, in storms Princess Twilight Sparkle
>a rivulet of blood flows from her nose to her chin, and finally terminates in a single drop which leaps from her chin to the clean crystal floor below

>"What are you doing, Anon?!"
"Twilight, he-"
>"No, I didn't ask what Sombra was doing. I asked what you were doing."
"Twilight, you don't understand. Look at me, he-"
>"No! I understand perfectly, Anonymous!"
"No, you-"
>"Shut! Up!"
>she magically transforms your lips into a zipper and yanks them shut
>"I understand everything! The rude comments! The constant scowling! The way you don't take anything I say seriously! Your neverending pessimism! How you wake me up at two in the morning by getting into fights!"
>you move to unzip your mouth
>she slaps your hand down with her magic
>"It all makes sense, Anonymous! I understand everything now! I understand that you don't want to be helped!"
>now wait just a fucking minute
>you yank your mouth open and the zipper disappears
"You don't understand a single fucking thing! You're just an idealistic little snob trying to use me as a fucking science experiment to spread your cancerous fucking ideology! You've got your head shoved so far up your sparkly little asshole eating your own shit that you think all this friendship bullshit can actually help anyone! What happened to talking it out? Nope! Because obviously anyone can just up and make friends, whatever the fuck 'friends' are, like a fucking fairytale!"
>a tuft of Twilight's mane actually catches on fire
>"I knew it! I knew it! You don't want help! You don't want a better life! You'd rather stay in that awful tent of yours! You'd rather die in that thing! You'd rather kill yourself!"
>somehow the palm of your hand impacts the side of Twilight's head
>she looks away from you for an instant
>you're perfectly still
>all is silent as she looks directly into your eyes with a perfectly calm, utterly blank expression
>"You know what, Anon? Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't help you. Maybe you're beyond my capabilities to help."
>her face never changes
>you guess that at some point the other princess pony must have arrived, because she calls out from outside the door
>"Twilight? Don't do anything you're going to regret."
>Twilight doesn't look away from you to respond
>"Don't worry, Cadance. I won't. I'm just going to get Anon the help he so desperately needs."
>she takes your wrist hard into her magic
>she leads you into the passageway
>past Sombra, who grins ever so slightly
>down the stairwell
>out the palace door
>"Wait here, Anonymous."
>Twilight goes back inside and slams the door
"Oh, fuck…"
>you lean against the crystal door
>you slide down it til you hit the crystal road
>you put your elbows on your knees and your face in your hands
>centuries pass, and nothing moves
>a clattering and a clopping noise disturbs the stillness
>"Uh, Mr., uh, Nonnermus?"
>you look up
>a pegasus stallion, with glasses, a mustache, a small beard, and a uniform hat looks down at you
>"Transport to Canterlot Mental Hospital."

ACT III: Flowers for Anon
Part 1: Anon is on His Own

>you look up, and see a wooden carriage, lit up by moonlight from the sky and reflected off of the crystalline surface of the city
"Yeah… yeah, okay."
>somehow you rise up to your feet
>the stallion looks up at you
>"Hm, I didn't realize you'd be so big. It might be a bit uncomfortable for you."
"It'll be fine."
>he shrugs
>"Okay."
>you shuffle slowly toward the carriage as your driver hooks himself up to it
>your head turns nearly of its own accord to look upon the castle
>your eyes flit from window to window, trying to see if they can get one last glimpse of Twilight Sparkle
>all the windows are dark, it doesn't look like anyone is even awake
>not taking your eyes off of the castle, you manage to open the door and get inside the carriage
>it's a little bit cramped, your knees are pressed up near your chest
>"Going up!"
>the carriage speeds forward and takes off into the air, dragged on by the pegasus stallion's wings into the night
>the Crystal Empire is beautiful in the moonlight
>the soft, gentle, white light reflects, refracts, diffuses, and takes on the color of thousands of crystal surfaces, resulting in an aerial view unlike anything possible back on Earth
>you don't notice that though
>you keep your eyes glued to the castle, waiting for Twilight to come look through a window
>the castle gets smaller
>the windows shrink to little pinpricks of darkness against the brilliant crystal
>you're not sure if you could even make out Twilight looking out through one at this distance even if she was
>she's not looking though
>you know in your mind that she doesn't care
>that she's glad to be rid of you
>the carriage passes over the clouds
>everything below is lost behind the puffy curtain
>you tear your eyes from the window and look up at the roof of the carriage
>at some point you must have fallen asleep
>because you're awoken by a rough landing in a grassy courtyard
>the pegasus calls out
>"All right, here we are, Mr. Nonermous."
>you open the door and step outside
>where did he say this was?
>Canterlot
>Canterlot's a beautiful city too
>everything is white marble, just barely reflecting the firey red rays of the Sun, which is just starting to peek over the horizon
>before you can take in the view, however, you're bumped in the leg by a huge earth pony in a white jacket
>"Get a move on, you're going inside."
>an identical partner to this stallion appears at your other side
"Y-yeah… okay."
>the walk inside is a messy haze, its only distinctions being the regular intervals when the hospital guards shove you to change your direction
>at some point you stop at a door
>"This is your room. Be sure to say hi to your roommate."
>one of them opens the door
>the other pushes you inside
>you stumble and hit the floor as the door slams behind you
>you look up
>staring irritadedly at you is your roommate
>she's a massive, bloated, teal unicorn
"H-h-hi, Tumble Hooves."

>Tumble Hooves' eyes roll from within their lipidous craters
>"Ugh."
>she rolls over on her bunk, away from you
>"Your bed is on the other side."
>you go over and plop  down into a sitting position on the bunk she references
"S-s-so, uh, what's up, uh, babe?"
>Tumble Hooves groans
"O-oh, come on! Why you gotta be so cold? W-w-w-we, w-we made love!"
>the whale-like unicorn bolts upright in a flabby, teal lightning bolt and glares steak knives at you
>"No, you came in your pants and passed out!"
>she flits her short, straw-colored mane with her wide, jiggling hoof
>"Hmph. As if I'd ever let a skinny monkey like you get some of ''my'' hot ass!"
"B-b-b-but the lint! B-b-bellybutton!"
>Tumble Hooves is staring at you with complete and utter disgust
>"That's. Your problem."
>she falls back down onto her mattress with a whumph and rolls away from you
>"Creep."
>you lean against the wall, look up, and sigh
>you feel relieved
>it's the relief of a burden you didn't even know you had
>it feels like something that's been missing has been restored to you
>specifically, your virginity
>funny how something like that can become a part of your identity
>it's like you're you again
>of somewhat less importance, the hooved whale in the room with you is a lot less intimidating now
"Well, okay. What are you even in for?"
>"Total bullshit. They said I have an 'eating disorder'. Can you believe that? Me? An eating disorder?"
"Heh, well, that sure is unfortunate."
>"Yeah. Don't bother telling me what you're in for."
>last night flashes before your eyes
"I-I-I, I d-don't think I was going to."
>"Good. Because everyone already knows you bitchslapped the princess."
>GEEZ-O-SHIT
"Everyone knows about that?!"
>she laughs gelatinously
>"Oh yeah, it was all over the morning news."
>you slump over and your side impacts the mattress
"I didn't realize she'd go to the press about it."
>you roll over onto your back
"I didn't realize she'd go to the press about it this quickly."
>Tumble Hooves belches
>"Fuck 'er."
"What?"
>"I thought it was pretty cool."
"That's fucked up."
>"Yeah, most of the folks around here think you're a fucking sack of shit."
"Fuck."
>Tumble Hooves chuckles
>"Yeah, you're fucked."
>the door to your cell slams open, revealing one of the guards from earlier
>"All right, you two, sleep time is over, come on, get up, get up! Breakfast isn't gonna wait all day!"

Part 2: Day One

>breakfast
>if you can call it that
>you'd honestly prefer to call it "shit"
>the tray in your hands bears a glistening, gloppening glob of something you'd like to believe is plant matter of some sort
>now all that remains is to find a table to consume it at
>ideally, you'd prefer a table that's unoccupied
>you look and you look and you do a little awkward shuffle around the hospital galley in search of a table that meets your seemingly low criteria
>unfortunately, your wishes simply aren't meant to be fulfilled
>this place is packed
>so you lower your criteria further
>just a table without a lot of horses sitting at it
>and with that, you lock onto a a table in a corner with only one occupant
>she's a mare, no wings or horn, light brown coat, dark brown mane done up in a black bow, and sitting in the corner of the table
>perfect, you'll just sit in the opposite corner of the table and not speak to her
>you make your way over and claim your seat as quietly as possible
>you're normally a fairly fast eater
>it's just one bite after another; the fact that other folks eat so slowly is a mystery to you
>you'll be out of here in short time
>or at least, that's your assumption, until the mare you share your table with speaks to you
>"Hey, you're the guy who slapped the princess, right?"
>the sudden addressing makes you jump slightly, and you pause before deciding to pretend that you hadn't heard her and continue eating
>unfortunately, the poor deception doesn't throw her off
>"Hey, hello? Did you hear me?"
>during a brief cringe, you reconsider and decide to answer her question
"Y-yeah."
>"Yeah you heard me or yeah you slapped the princess?"
>goodness fuck
>you'd just like to eat your flavorless not-prison food in peace
"I-I, uh, yeah, I d-did… hit… the princess."
>"What?"
"I slapped the fucking princess right in the fucking face."
>there, that oughtta make her let you chew your plant matter
>"So how was it?"
>you find that you're unable to chew your plant matter, and in fact all you can do is sort of half spit it out and half drool it out while half choking on it
>once your throat is cleared, you stare at the mare
"What?"
>"What was it like when you slapped Princess Twilight?"
>what the fuck
"I-it was… it was… I-I dunno."
>"You dunno?"
"I dunno!"
>"So I heard you tried to kill yourself?"
>geez-o-shit the morning news really had all the fucking details, didn't they?
>"Uh-huh. That's why I'm here too. You can still kinda see the cuts on my forelegs. You wanna see?"
"N-n-not particularly."
>on that note, the mare jumps down from her seat and makes as if to leave
>"When's your doctor appointment scheduled?"
>doctor appointment?
>what, like a therapy session?
>they didn't give you any sort of schedule
>do you need one?
"I-I dunno."
>"Perfect. You're coming with me."
"Uh, why?"
>"You wanna get out of here quickly, don't you?"
"L-l-l-like an escape or something?!"
>"No, not like an escape. Much more legitimate than that. More like, uh, like playing the system."
"Oh."
>"Are you coming?"
"Uh…"
>you eye the half-eaten glop of plant matter on your tray
"Sure."

>you follow your companion through the hospital passageway
>apparently you'd been holed up in the depressives ward
>other doors that you passed by indicated other wards within the mental hospital
>manics
>delusionals
>a scream wafts out as you pass by the door labeled "dangerous"
>your eyes linger a bit on the door labelled "criminally insane"
>you think for a moment that you're lucky you weren't shoved in there
>"So, uh, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you do it?"
"Do what?"
>"You know. Try to off yourself."
"I kind of mind you asking."
>"Oh sure, sure. Let's start somewhere else then. You're pretty obviously not a pony. What are you?"
>for a moment, you feel like you don't even know
>but you figure she's asking for the name of your species
"Human. I guess it's sort of like an ape."
>"'Human'… I don't think I've ever heard of that. Where are you from?"
"I called it "Earth". Relative to here, I have no idea where that is. I don't even know how I got here."
>"You don't?"
"Well, I just sort of, fell asleep one night, in my bed, in my tiny, shitty apartment, and the next thing I knew I was on a bench in the middle of, uh, Ponyville."
>"And that must be when you met Princess Twilight."
"Uh, n-not exactly. I didn't really make her acquaintance til about a year later, a little over a week ago, when she found me, uh, at the… at the end of a rope."
>"So that's how you did it."
"Yeah."
>"Huh. She just decided to drop by after a year of not even looking at you, at that exact moment?"
"I guess so."
>"That's unlucky. I'm still here because I made a mistake."
"A mistake?"
>"Yeah. Apparently cutting is a slow way to do it. I got found hours afterwards."
"Isn't that a… a lucky mistake?"
>"Eh, I guess so."
>silence
>awkward silence
>you don't think…
"S-say, doesn't it bother you that I'm… uh, a-apparently the kind of guy who hits mares?"
>"Huh?"
"I-I-I mean, I hit Princess Twilight and all."
>the mare rolls her head around in thought
>"Those burn marks on your face. Did you get those before or after you smacked her?"
"Uh, before, I guess."
>she meets your gaze with something that feels a little dangerous lurking in her eyes and a little smile dancing upon her lips
>"Maybe she deserved it then."
>whoah
>now it's your turn to stop speaking and think for a moment
>the notion that Twilight might have been in the wrong herself actually hadn't crossed your mind until now
>you become a little bit mad
>how the hell couldn't she see that you hadn't started it?
>maybe you had rights just the same as anyone else
>wait a second
"What would you have said if I'd said 'after'?"
>she looks at you again, with that sly smile slowly expanding its borders across her face
>"Well then, you'd have already gotten what you deserved, now wouldn't you?"
>suddenly you find yourself much more relaxed for some reason
>"Besides, it's not like she's defenseless or anything. She's an alicorn princess; she could have vaporized you without even thinking about it."
>a few moments more of silence, marked by frequent, expectant glances from your guide
>what could she possibly want?
>"So, uh, the news said your name was Anonymous, right?"
>oh
>oh!
>it suddenly dawns on you that you haven't about her name
>or anything else about her for that matter
"Y-y-y-yeah. A-and, uh… y-you must be, uh…"
>seeing you realize your social blunder makes her smirk a little as she stops in front of a door labelled "children" and prompts you to do the same
>"I'm Amber Ember, and I'm going to show you how to get out and stay out of the insane asylum."

>Amber places her hoof on the handle of the childrens' ward
>wait a second
>images of FBI ponies dragging you away to a black van cross your mind
"Uh, what are we going in there for?"
>"Arts and crafts."
"What?"
>"Anonymous, can I call you Anon or something?"
"S-sure."
>she smiles
>"Anon, we're both here for being depressive recluses, right?"
"I feel like my case may be a bit more political than that."
>"Whatever. At some point the question of letting you out is gonna pop up, and they're gonna look at your behavior since you got here to figure that out. The more like a sociable and and well-adjusted pon- er, human, right- or whatever you act like, the better things are going to look."
"And, arts and crafts…?"
>the smile grows a little wider
>"Anon, what could possibly be more sociable and well-adjusted than helping some cute, troubled, little colts and fillies make macaroni art?"
>with that, she turns the handle and opens the door
>or are they called hoofdles here?
>since horses don't use hands to turn them
>you're distracted from your distraction by a sonic wall of squeaky voices
>"GOOD MORNING MISS AMBER"
>so she's a regular around these parts
>the aloof, blunt attitude that you've known Amber Ember for in these past ten minutes since you met her vanishes in the face of the baby horses
>"Why hello there! How are you all?"
>a cacophony of about two dozen voices carries about two dozen replies
>"Okay everyone, I'd like you all to meet my good friend Anon here. Everyone say hello!"
>they obey in perfect unison
>"GOOD MORNING MR. ANON"
>except for one chubby boy pony
>that's called a colt, right?
>he stares and points at you
>"You hit Princess Twilight."
>even
>the fucking
>children
>the observation rapidly turns you into the cause of some controversy among the tiny ponies
>Amber protectively steps out in front of you
>"N-now, now, now, no… well, yes, Anon did hit the princess."
>your blood runs cold as the adorable baby ponies shoot death rays of pure venom out of their eyes and directly into your soul
>"B-but, but, but, he-he's very sorry, and he's here to make up for it by helping us with our arts and crafts."
>Amber looks up at you, conveying in her eyes the nature of the delicate tightrope you must now tread to maintain the peace
>"Anon, you're a big guy, would you mind reaching up to that high shelf and getting our arts and crafts box for us?"
"S-sure."
>you need to watch the way you stumble over your words
>displays of weakness are probably unwise right now
>you locate the box and set it down on a table
>"Great. Now just lay it all out there."
>you remove paper, markers, macaroni, glue, glitter, and other tools of the trade from the box and lay it all out on the table
>the little horses come to claim their livelihood from the table
>as they do so, they make a point of not looking at you and of getting out of your presence as quickly as possible
>as the last little pony hobbles over to a table, Amber canters over toward you and flashes another smile
>"Thanks Anon."
"Uh huh."
>a filly cries out from across the room
>"Miss Amber!"
>"Oh, let me just go, and, yeah."
>and with that, you're left to your own devices
>you decide to glance over the shoulders of the kids to see how their art is going along for now
>the first filly you check glares at you and pulls her paper under her body to let you know that your help is unwanted
>as does the second
>and the third
>your eyes lock onto a solitary, pale, pink filly who's taller and much skinner than the other little ponies, sitting without any paper, just a grumpy expression on her face and black makeup caked under her eyes
>this must be the equine equivalent of a teenager
>if nothing else, her unwarranted elitism should make her somewhat immune to the mob mentality that's causing the younger children to aggressively exclude you
>you grab a paper and a marker and tentatively place yourself across from her
>the filly harrumphs and looks away from you
>at least there's no righteous hatred in this one
"Uh, hey there, uh, kiddo. What's your name?"
>she gives you a look that was probably meant to intimidate you, the otherworldly being who's over three times her weight and lived to tell of slapping an alicorn princess in the face
>"Blackened Heart."
>Blackened Heart?
>not even in ponyland
>that's way too edgy
"I mean your real name, kid."
>she smacks the table with her skinny hooves
>"That is my real name!"
>a strangely smug nurse who seemingly just so happened to be passing by sticks her head next to yours
>"I think it's Sweet Heart or something like that."
>Sweet Heart glares daggers at the smirking interjector, who retreats at a relaxed pace
"Well, okay then. Why don't you try drawing something, Sweet Heart?"
>you slide the paper and marker over to her and wait for her to give you some sort of angsty reasoning
>surprisingly, she doesn't
>instead she thinks for a moment, picks up the marker, and begins marking paper with it
>a few minutes of silence, apart from the noisy room-full of kids around you, ensues
>upon finishing, Sweet Heart inspects her work, makes a satisfied facial expression, and slides the paper over to you
>"It symbolizes the black darkness of my soul."
>this kid
>the picture is of a unicorn skull flying across a night sky on bat wings
>it's weirdly well-detailed
"That's… very good. It's a little disturbing, but-"
>you never finish your sentence
>a glob of something smacks the back of your head and lodges itself there
>you turn to view your assailant
>but all you see is brightly-colored linoleum, only this, and nothing more
>a mighty, squeaky, battle cry sounds from above you as a four tiny hooves collide with your shoulders and wrap themselves around your head
"OH, F-"
>wait a second
>you can't swear in front of all these small children
"OH, GOLLY"
>you get up and try to pry the scrambling baby horse from your head
>when another latches itself onto your leg
>and a set of teeth buries itself into your ankle
"GOLLY GEE"
>before long you're covered in a mass of angry baby horses, hell-bent on avenging their dishonored princess
"OH GOODNESS GOLLY GEE WILLICKERS I'M COVERED IN HORSES PLEASE HELP ME"
>it doesn't take too long for Amber to take notice
>"Oh, Anon, I'm so sorry! Children, please, please get off of him!"
>the shakey demand goes unheeded
>you make it to the door
>no sooner do you get it open than you lose your balance and pitch forward
>you hit the floor hard
>the horses at last get off of you and scatter
>Amber gallops out after you and helps you to your feet
>"Anon, I'm so, so, so sorry! Are you okay?"
>"I should hope so, Ms. Ember. Mr. Nonermous here is over 30 minutes late for his first meeting with me, and I'm rather anxious to get started."
>the intruder is a unicorn mare with a clipboard and wire-frame glasses
>her mane is just starting to look grey, and her body is just starting to look fat
>"D-Doctor Lectra! A-A-Anon told me here he didn't know his schedule, a-and I didn't know you were his doctor, s-s-so I figured-"
>"That you'd take him with you to help the foals. That's very nice of you, Ms. Ember. Everything is fine, just don't expect your own meeting with me today to be any sooner than 40 minutes late."
>she grabs your wrist in her bluish magic and pulls you back to your own ward
>"Come along, Mr. Nonermous."
>Amber calls out after you
>"You'll do great, Anon. Dr. Lectra is my doctor too. She's the best!"
>and you don't think that she thinks that you see this next part
>but she looks down
>and looks away
>and claws at the floor with her hoof

Part 3: The Lectra Complex

>the office walls are simply adorned with coffee-colored paint and neutral, unobtrusive decorations, set in place over an earthen brown carpet
>atop the shaggy carpet rests a big oak desk, which Dr. Lectra promptly takes a seat behind
>across from the desk is a couch which might appear roomy to a five-foot quadruped whose natural tendency when lying down is to curl up
>that's where the doctor directs you to lie
>"Now, Mr. Nonermous… am I saying that right?"
"It's, uh, Anonymous, not Nonermous."
>"A… non… ner… miss?"
"Nih-miss."
>"A… non.. Anonymous. Mr… Anoner-nimit-nymous… Anonymous. Oh my goodness that's hard to pronounce. Is that your full name? Do you have something like a surname?"
>a surname?
>you're pretty sure you have a surname
>uh
>you know, after a year of not speaking, it's a miracle you even remembered your first name
>wait, why not just tell her to call you Anon?
>"Ah, here's your file."
>Dr. Lectra produces a beige folder from her desk and flips through it
>"And your full name is… Anonymous Faggot. Aha! Mr. Faggot. That's much easier to pronounce, don't you think, Mr. Faggot?"
>oh
>right
"Uh…"
>"Come again, Mr. Faggot?"
"Please… please don't call me Mr. Faggot."
>"Just Faggot?"
"My last name is weird, and I don't like it when people refer to me by it. It's uncomfortable."
>"Hmph. Well, I suppose if it's for the comfort of my patient, I'll just have to get used to pronouncing 'Anonymous.' Even if the patient in question is guilty of first-degree lese majeste."
>you sigh
"Th-thanks."
>"Of course. Now, let's get started. I hope you don't me asking, but what exactly are you? Where are you come from?"
>wierd, most days you don't introduce yourself even once, but today you're doing it twice
>multiplying from your usual 0, that's an improvement of more than infinity
"Well, I'm called a human, and the place I'm from is called Earth."
>"Earth? I haven't heard of it. Is that one of those distant, exotic lands? You speak Equestrian very well."
"Relative to here? I don't know where it is. I don't know if it's even on this planet, or in this same universe."
>"… Oh?"
>the look on her face tells you that she's wondering if you don't belong in the delusionals ward
>hopefully the fact that you're an unidentifiable monster will help convince her that you don't
>"And I take it you don't know how you ended up in Equestria."
"No."
>"When did you arrive?"
"A little over a year ago. I just… I fell asleep in my apartment, and I woke up on a park bench in Ponyville."
>"Apartment? So I take it that this Earth wasn't terribly different from Equestria?"
"No."
>"So, you're familiar with concepts like friendship, childhood, feelings and what not?"
"Yeah."
>"But you'd never seen a pony before, correct?"
"No."
>"That must have been quite the experience. Would you say your problems started there? You know, with waking up in a brand new world and being isolated from others of your kind?"
>isolated from others of your kind?
>heh, no, that goes back much further than a year
"Uh, I don't think so. Maybe… before that."
>"Okay, so, tell me a little something."
"Like what?"
>"Uh, well somethimes patients opt to give me a sort of life story, starting from their childhood."
"Just… childhood?"
>"Yeah, you know. Like, you went to some sort of school, right? How was it?"
"Well, I guess most of it was pretty easy for me. I sort of glided through near the top without trying very hard, but near the end not knowing how to try kind of ended up hurting my grades."
>the doctor jots down some jottings on her clipboard
>"That's… interesting, Mr. Anonymous. But… I was looking for something a bit more personal than that."
"Personal?"
>"Yeah. You know, stories involving persons. Anything about any friends, girlfriends, stuff like that. You know?"
"N-not really."
>"What do you mean, 'not really'?"
"I mean, there's, there's nothing to tell."
>"What? Like you didn't have any friends?"
"Uh… I guess so."
>"Never fell in love? Met a nice mare- er… humaness?"
"No."
>"Bullies?"
"Nope."
>more jottings
>"Okay, so, school clearly wasn't very exciting for you. What about after?"
"After school?"
>"Mhm. Tell me about your first foray into the world of adulthood."
"Well, I didn't want to be a burden on my parents, so I started working as soon as I could."
>"Ooh! And how was work?"
"Are you asking about the people again?"
>"Yes."
"Well… there's still nothing to tell."
>"No work buddies, workplace drama, or anything like that?"
"No."
>"Mr. Anonymous, did you ever come to a point in your life where your situation with people changed?"
"Uh, yeah. As soon as I could afford it I moved out of my parents' home and rented a little apartment downtown."
>"So, that's less interaction, right?"
"I guess so."
>jot, jot, jot, jot
>"Now, Mr. Anonymous, most patients would have given me some sort of story by now."
"A story?"
>"Yes. You know, a sort of short story about something you did or something that happened to you. Something that you feel was an important event."
"Uh… I guess I don't really have anything like that."
>"No… defining moments? No life-changing realizations or happenings or anything of the sort?"
"No."
>"Well, what about since coming to Equestria? I know last night at least must have been fairly eventful. Why don't you tell me about that?"
>spindly fingers from your chest muscles wrap themselves around your lungs
"Uh… I-I-I-I'm n-not ready to discuss that."
>"What about anything else from your relationship with Princess Twilight? Or her friends?"
"I-I dunno. I think I need some more time to think about that."
>Dr. Lectra's pen scrapes at the paper upon her clipboard for a few moments more
>"Okay, Mr. Anonymous. That will be all for today."
"Th-that's it?"
>"Yes, I'm afraid you haven't given me very much to work with. I'm not willing to simply write you off as a boring person just yet, so for now I just don't feel like I've got a very good look at your personality yet."
"Oh."
>"Now, you didn't do anything wrong; it was fine for a first session. Besides, I'm still behind schedule. You're free to go."
>and so, you push yourself up
>and you walk out the door

Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Bingo

>dinner
>much like breakfast, you feel that "shit" is a more accurate descriptor
>actually, exactly like breakfast, it's a slimy scoop of unidentifiable plant matter
>judging by the meals alone, you could believe that the hospital was trying to drive you to try to kill yourself again
>but the meals were likely an executive decision, made higher than any of the staff who interacted with the patients of the depressives ward
>it's interesting to see just how many events they have planned for the week which are geared at prompting social interaction
>but the real beauty of it is that it's all voluntary
>the beauty in this lies in the fact that you're going to bed right after the meal instead of sitting through tonight's "movie night"
>you hadn't observed any evidence of the harnessing of electricity in this world up til now, and would have assumed that movies didn't exist here if you had thought about it
>yet you caught a glimpse of some staffers carrying an old-fashioned film reel projector though the passageway just the same
>whatever
>you're tired
>in the corner of your eye, you spot Amber, balancing a tray full of plant matter of her own in her teeth
>you approach her
>you're sort of unsure how to proceed from here
>so you keep walking
>and you pass each other right by
>huh
>she didn't even acknowledge you
>oh well
>the way you got your ass kicked by foals was kind of pathetic
>not to worry, there's an empty table in sight
>you place yourself there and begin to eat
>between spoonfuls of plant matter, you can see Amber Ember glancing this way and that, looking around for an empty table
>whatever
>if she wants to sit with you, she can
>this isn't fucking high school; you're not concerned with social bullshit
>actually, you weren't all that concerned with it back then either
>that might not have been entirely by choice
>for some reason, you decide to pretend not to notice as she draws nearer to your table
>you definitely stop caring, however, when a gelatinous bullhorn goes off in your ear
>"HOW'S IT GROOVIN', ROOMIE?"
>Tumble Hooves squeezes herself into the seat across from yours and proceeds to bury her face into her pile of plant matter
>it's gone in mere seconds
>"You gonna eat that?"
"Uh, n-no. I'm just gonna go to bed now."
>"Coolio."
>Tumble Hooves leans over to bury her face in your meal
>you get up and walk away
>you notice that Amber Ember is nowhere to be seen
>whatever
>you're tired

>the next few days proceed in a manner you can only describe as "logical"
>which is to say, just barely at all
>you basically only left your room for meal times and therapy sessions
>you tried to make a few exploratory outings, but nothing you're allowed to do in the hospital really interests you
>besides, you did stumble across Amber Ember in a few of those outings, upon which you felt compelled to play an uncomfortable and autistic game called "pretend she doesn't exist" for some reason
>maybe it was because she was clearly playing the same game with you
>regardless, it served as another motivation to stay in your room
>the problem with this is that Tumble Hooves rarely leaves the room either
>she spends most of her time sleeping, sending off foghorn snores which ensure that you can't do the same
>it's on the third day of this that you decide being an autist isn't worth suffering the stench and sounds of obese pony all day
>so you head out
>you promptly discover a poster advertising a rousing game of bingo
>in an amazing turn of luck for you, the game is in just a few minutes
>perfect
>you find your way to the room where the game is to be played
>a smiling nurse hands you a bingo card and a bag of chips
>it's funny how nobody seems to care that you're a six foot biped who was publicly outed for assaulting a princess
>nobody except the foals anyway
>folks are either a lot less observant than you expect them to be, or they just care a lot less than you expect them to
>didn't Tumble Hooves say you were hated already though?
>maybe they just don't confront you about it
>whatever, either way, it's easier this way
>a small group of patients is already seated and waiting for the game to begin
>you take the seat closest to the door, in the back
>your finger presses down onto a chip, shakes it off over the free square, and proceeds to play and fiddle with it
>the chair next to yours is yanked out with a scraping noise
>a teenage filly you recognize as Sweet Heart climbs up onto it
>why?
>she looks up at you
>you look down at her
>she harrumphs and looks away
>…
>sure
>a grumpy-looking bird-cat thing makes its way to the front of the room and spins the bingo cage with a gnarled talon
>is that a griffon?
>griffons exist here?
>and they're people?
>you wonder what other mythological creatures could be citizens of Equestria, and decide that there might be a reason why nobody questions your appearance
>the griffon opens its beak to speak in a deep, rough voice and silence the already awkwardly silent room
>"Awright, awright. Let's get this thing out of the way."
>he, judging by the voice, sticks his talon into the bingo cage and plucks out a ball
>"B, 27"
>a few clicks of chips on cards from around the room signal that a few of the ponies have this square
>examining your own card, you see that you do not
>the griffon doesn't waste time in grabbing another ball
>"G, 19"
>a single chip taps down somewhere in the room
>unfortunately, it's not yours
>"O, 16"
>"Oh!"
>Sweet Heart places a chip down
>she looks at your empty card, and then looks up at you with a winning smile
>lel, getting competitive over bingo
>"I, 12"
>oh shit you have that one
>you slam that chip down and project your smuggest expression into Sweet Heart's face, which transforms into a pout
>you're tempted to tell her to suck your dick
>but you remember that she is in fact an underaged, mentally-ill horse and you don't particularly want that to be taken the wrong way
>"BINGO!"
>a sky-blue mare with a scarlet mane waves her hoof around in the front row
>no way
>voices from around the bingo room sound off their disbelief
>"A bingo in only four turns!"
>"I-Impossible!"
>"A perfect game!"
>"She must be the most powerful bingo player in the entire hospital!"
>"Oh no! I lost!"
>the owner of this last voice, a pegasus mare with a coat the color of cotton candy and a mane the color of butter, proceeds to unleash body-racking sobs and pound on her table
>nurses run into the room to administer soothing words
>the griffon at the front of the room sighs
>"Okay, everyone. Take ten. We'll have another round as soon as this is all cleared up."
>Sweet Heart leans back in her chair and looks at the ceiling with a painfully bored expression
>this is dumb
>you push out of your seat, leave the room, and find your way back to your quarters
>you don't leave it again except for your daily therapy session with Dr. Lectra
>the next day is Sunday, and the doctors all have Sundays off
>you don't leave your room at all
>you wake up on Monday when an envelope slaps you in the face
>Tumble Hooves is standing over you
>"Anon, you've got mail."
>having done her roommately duties, she promptly jumps into her bed in a manner that reminds you of an animate bag of pudding
>you've got mail?
>it's been exactly one week since that ill-fated expedition to the Crystal Empire began
>maybe it's Twilight writing to inform you that she's decided to worsen your condition somehow
>your hand fumbles around until it lands on the envelope that hit you
>the envelope tears open with some effort, and the letter it contains is carried to your eyes on sweaty fingers
>"Dear Anonymous,
>"There's a big apple convention in starting in Canterlot tomorrow. I figured on my way there I'd come and pay you a visit.
>"Regards,
>Applejack"

Part 5: Anon Still Hates Apples

>well fuck
>you allow your arm to flop away from your face and hang off the bed
>your hand allows the letter to flutter down to the floor
>Applejack?
>why does she give a shit?
>and why her in particular?
>you reckon that if you hurry, you can probably write her a letter telling her to shove her hat up her cunt
>no, mail's not instant; it probably wouldn't get there until tomorrow, which would be too late
>wait
>mail's not instant
>this had to have been sent yesterday
>and tomorrow from the point of view of yesterday is today
>the wording on that letter is straightforward, to-the-point, and simple
>you're pretty sure you're interpreting this correctly
>you're having a visitor today!
>well fuck
>but what fucking time?
>fuck
>you get out of your room to stalk the halls
>eyes downcast, hands clasped behind your back, you prowl about in search of nothing
>occasionally your head and eyes flick to your peripherals, noting your location every few seconds
>wait a second
>you take a few steps backward and examine a piece of paper taped to a door
>"Patient Kitchen - Feel free to use what you like, just CLEAN UP after you're done."
>huh
>you've never noticed this before
>the door creaks open at your touch
>it's a kitchen all right
>there's a fridge, an open pantry full of dry goods, an oven, sinks, counters, and hooks carrying various cooking tools
>on the other side of the kitchen there's a big open window set over a long countertop and facing into a passageway, probably for serving a line
>hmmm
>i-it's not that you particularly care about Applejack or anything
>but somehow, an idea pops into your head just the same
>you move about the kitchen just to see if they have what you have in mind
>hmmm
>flour
>sugar
>apples
>uh
>eggs?
>it's all there
>this could probably work
>you find a bowl and a spoon and set them down on the counter
>how much flour sounds reasonable for pie crust?
>three cups?
>into the bowl it goes
>now for the sugar…
>probably… one cup?
>you mix it in with the flour
>now the question you have is
>will one egg be enough?
>there's one way to find out
>you crack an egg open and hold it over the bowl
>as you watch its contents ooze down, someone addresses you from the window
>"Uh, hey, Anon."
>you look over and behold Amber Ember, resting her upper body on the counter to get a better view
"Oh, uh, hello."
>she cranes her neck a bit
>"Wat'cha doing?"
"I'm just, uh, baking a pie here."
>her ear twitches
>"You're… making a pie?"
"Uh-huh."
>"With… eggs?"
"What?"
>"Anon, you don't make pie crust with eggs. Or, I never would. Hang on, did you stir that thing in yet? Don't move!"
>the sound of galloping hooves moves away from the window
>and finds its way around to the door
>Amber flings it open and strides in
>"Okay. Let's see about that egg."

>Amber wastes no time in getting her upper body on top of the counter with a measuring cup clenched between her teeth
>she dips the cup into the bowl and resurfaces with the remains of an egg in tow
>"There. Some of it soaked into the flour, but it should be fine."
"Uh."
>she sniffs the air above the mixing bowl
>"Oh, so you've already got the sugar in too. It smells kind of… bland, how much did you use?"
"A… cup?"
>"And how much flour?"
>"Three cups."
>"Whoah! That is way too much flour. Let's just start over on this."
>she promptly takes the mixing bowl to the trash and pours its contents in
>what the hell
>this horse ignores you all week
>and now all of the sudden she has the right to shit on your pie crust?
>she grabs the bag of flour, and pours a little in the bowl
>"So what kind of pie are we baking, Anon?"
"It's, uh, apple."
>"Oh great! Are there apples?"
"Uh huh."
>"Perfect! You make the filling, and it's probably better if I handle the crust."
>Amber promptly sets about acquiring various components and tools
>she buries her head into a low cabinet
>and in the process of doing so sticks her ass way up in the air
>what the hell is that picture on it?
>it's like brown… chunks?
>is it shit?
>you lean in to get a better look
>the social implications of your actions don't occur to you until Amber clambers out of the cabinet and sees what you're doing
>she spits out a pie tin onto the floor, jumps back, and flits her saucer-sized eyes around before finally setting her pinprick-sized pupils upon you
>"Anon! Wh-wh-what are you doing?!"
>you're still in your bent-over butt-staring position as you try to explain your intentions
"I was- I was- I-I-I was just looking at-at-at-at your-your butt, your butt, your-your-your-your butt… your butt picture!"
>the mare before you turns dark red as she tries to make sense of your half-comprehensible explanation
>"M-my butt?!"
"Y-your butt picture!"
>she pauses before relaxing a bit, and looking back at her own butt
>"My… my cutie mark?"
"Yeah!"
>Amber gradually stands up straight, which prompts you to do the same
>finally, she gives a sincere smile
>"It's… caramels. I make sweets for a living. Sorry, I maybe should have explained that before barging in on your baking. I do this sort of thing for a living."
"Oh."
>her smile turns snarky
>"Now. Are you just about ready to make that filling?"
"Uh, n-no, I'm not really sure how."
>Amber frowns
>"You went to bake an apple pie without knowing how?"
"I-it was sort of a… a spur of the moment thing."
>"Right. Get about eight apples. Peel, core, and slice them into itty bitty pieces. Then mix it with, say, a teaspoon of cinnamon, a teaspoon of brown sugar, and a quarter cup of water. Then stir it up in a saucepan. Don't heat it too long, mind you, it'll heat up enough in the oven."
"You want fries with that?"
>she struts past you and flicks you with her tail as she does so
>"Don't sass me."

>peeling, coring, and slicing apples into itty bitty pieces is a bit of a long process
>fortunately, Amber doesn't have you beaten with the crust yet
>she had the dough mixed and the tin lined with it a good number of minutes ago
>but she's doing the basket-weave thing with the top crust, which is an even longer process for a pony who has to use hooves
>at last, you pour your expertly sliced apples into the saucepan
>on top of them you sprinkle the other ingredients
>you turn on the stove and begin to stir
>it's funny how magical horse land is selectively primitive
>like, lighting is all done through candles and music is still played on mechanical record players, but for some reason they've got modern stovetops and refrigerators
>you should have learned something about electrical engineering back home
>it would have come in handy here
>the scent of apples permeates the air and creeps into your senses
>bellissimo
>a fuzzy pony head nudges you in the side
>"Anon, that smells great! Is the water mostly gone?"
"Yeah."
>"It's done. Go ahead and pour it in the crust."
>carrying the pan over to the counter, you see a complete, baket-weaved crust sitting next to the tin
>damnit, it looks like she did beat you
>as you pour your apples in her crust, Amber attempts to lift up the crust top with her hooves
>"Anon, can you get this crust on there? You've got those, uh… claw things."
"Fingers?"
>"Yeah."
>in short time, the pie is covered, and you're crimping the top down over the bottom crust with Amber
>"Okay, the oven's pre-heated. Just pop it in, Anon."
>Amber digs out a small-ish hourglass and flips it upside down
>there's that selective technology shit again
>"Okay. 15 minutes."
>you stand together, watching the sand fall through the glass
>maybe about five minutes pass in silence
>"So, what were you baking a pie for?"
>the pie?
>oh
"A, uh, friend is visiting me today."
>Amber averts her gaze a bit
>"A friend?"
"Or, uh, one of Princess Twilight's friends anyway."
>"Oh. Which one?"
"Her name is Applejack."
>"Element of Honesty?"
"What?"
>"You know, from the Elements of Harmony."
"The what?"
>"The magical thingies that Princess Twilight and her friends used to save Equestria."
"To do what?!"
>"Anon, do you seriously not know that Princess Twilight and her friends have saved Equestria, like, seven times over the past five years?"
"W-well I'm new in this world."
>she laughs out loud
>"You were living with her!"
"Y-yeah, well…"
>the amber-coated mare giggles and smiles
>"It's fine."
>you sigh
>"So, uh, if Applejack is coming to visit you, that's gotta be a good sign, right? Maybe they'll let you out soon. Any word on that?"
"Man, I doubt I'm getting out of here soon."
>"Oh, well…"
>you see she's giving you that expectant look again
>oh
"Do you know when you're getting out of here?"
>she smiles, the looks away, then she looks back up at you and frowns a little before smiling again
>"Today!"

"Today?"
>"Uh huh! I'm just waiting on the office to finish up some paperwork, and then I can pick it up and go."
"Oh."
>"Yeah. I… I saw you in here, and I-I know you're mad at me for what happened with the foals, but…"
"Mad at you?"
>"W-well, you weren't talking to me, so I figured…"
"No, it's just… I thought you thought I was pathetic. The way I got beat up by those foals and all."
>"What? No, I…"
>the pause that ensues more pregnant than a Mexican rabbit on welfare
>Amber cuts it open it with a slight smile
>"Well that's dumb."
"What is?"
>"We've been avoiding each other and being alone all week long for no good reason. We could have been friends the whole time!"
"Uh, yeah, I guess so."
>Amber glances at the hourglass
>"Just about there."
"So, where are you going?"
>"Oh, I don't know. I might have to stay in the city for a little while, but really, I wanna get out of Canterlot as soon as possible. There's no one in this town who gives a darn about me; I just wanna start over somewhere else."
"All right."
>"What about you? Are you going back to Ponyville after you get out?"
>somehow you knew she would reply with that
>but you haven't thought that far ahead at all
"Man, I have no idea. I dunno, maybe if this meeting with Applejack goes well. Otherwise… I don't know if I'd be welcome there."
>a crackling sound accompanied by an echoing voice interrupts the conversation
>"Amber Ember, administrative office. Amber Ember, administrative office."
>Amber gasps a little
>"Well, those are my papers. I guess I've got to… go now. G-good luck with Applejack!"
"Y-you too."
>she turns around and begins walking toward the door
>before she gets there, she looks back a little and addresses you
>"I'd really like to meet you again, Anonymous."
"Yeah, me too."
>she pushes the kitchen door open and begins walking out
"Uh, hey Amber?"
>"Uh huh?"
"Why did you, uh, why did you try to help me the other day anyway?
>she pulls her head back in and gives you what may actually be the warmest smile you've ever seen in your life
>it's not saying much, but it's probably still warmer than what most people in general get
>"Because you sat next to me."
>her tail disappears beyond the door, which clicks shut behind her
>the last grain of sand falls to the bottom of the hourglass
>the crackling voice resonates through the hospital once more
>"Anonymous Faggot, visitors' center. Anonymous Faggot, visitors' center."

Part 6: Mr. Nonermous, We Need to Talk

>your hand gets scalded a bit as you attempt to move the hot pie from two hands to one hand
"Shit."
>you hold still for a moment until you're sure that the pie is balanced securely on the hotpad on your hand
>it's too bad fucking oven mitts don't exist
>these hotpads are probably designed to go in horse mouths
>satisfied that you're not going to drop the pie, you use your free hand to open the door to the room marked "visitors' center"
>Applejack is looking out a window
>and the window is looking down at her, casting a ray of sunlight upon the orange mare and making her golden mane glow bright white
"Uh."
>Applejack turns her head to look at you
>"Oh, hey there, Anonermous."
>she sniifs the air, looks up to the pie in your hand, and trots over to you with a predatory smile
>"Is that what I think it is?"
"Oh, uh, the… pie? Probably."
>"Fer me?"
"Yeah."
>"Well. lemme see it!"
>you lower your arm and present the pie at pony eye-level
>Applejack greedily inhales the steamy aroma floating off of the pastry
>"Well don't that just beat all? Did you make that yerself?"
"No, I, uh, had some help."
>that phrase gets her to look you straight in the eye
>"What? Like, from a friend?"
"Uh, I guess."
>"Well, ain't that something? Twilight'll be mighty pleased to hear about that!"
>Twilight?
"You really think she'd care?"
>Applejack's lower eyelid raises as she cocks her head
>"She… would. Eh… you know what, Anon? Just go set yerself down at that table over there. I don't wanna talk about stuff like that til I've had a slice of that pie."
>oh
"Uh, sure. I didn't bring any plates though."
>"Aw, that's fine. I found some while I was waitin' for ya."
"Oh."
>you make your way over to the table and have a seat
"Were you waiting a while?"
>"Nah. There ain't no wait too long for fresh apple pie."
>Applejack clenches the edges of two paper plates with plastic forks balanced on them between her teeth and takes her seat opposite you
"Uh, do we need a knife?"
>Applejack somehow gives you an "I-apple-on-a-level-much-higher-than-that,-mortal" kind of look
>"Nah."
>with that, she flings the pie into the air by her hoof
>she does a perfect backflip straight over her seat, and in the process deals the pie tin a precise kick with her back hoof
>in an instant, Applejack is back in her seat, and the apple pie sits on the table divided neatly into eight perfect slices
>impressive
>"Come on now, let's get some pie in us, and then we'll get talkin'."

>Applejack wipes a few crumbs off of her face with her hoof
>"That's good pie. Thanks for makin' it, Anon."
"Thanks."
>her foreleg extends over the table and swipes the pie off to the side
>"All right now, Mr. Nonermous. We need to talk."
>since you don't verbally respond, Applejack scans your face for comprehension before continuing
>"First thing's first, Anon. I don't think what ya did was okay. No, sir. I don't like violence and I don't like it when it's applicated to my friends. Am I right?"
"Y-yeah. You're right."
>"Good. 'Cause I didn't come here to lecture ya or yell atcha or anythin' like that. Twilight Sparkle is one of my closest friends, and I love her like my own sister, but I reckon there's more to the story than what she told me. That's just the way this sorta thing works."
"So…"
>"So, get talkin'."
"Well, uh, about…"
>"Yep, about that night."
"Uh, well, I, I went to bed early. I got into an, uh, sort of an argument, I guess, with Twilight, so-"
>"What was the argument about?"
"Well, I-I told her that Sombra couldn't be fixed. I said I couldn't be fixed either. She didn't like it and I think she… ran off to the library."
>"But that weren't the fight?"
"No."
>"So you woke up later."
>your hand gingerly strokes at your face
"Yeah. To a face-full of boiling water."
>"What?!"
"Yeah. Sombra."
>"Twilight didn't mention… Did she know?"
"I don't know. She never asked."
>"Well did ya tell her?"
"I-I tried, I think. I don't know, she was mad, she wasn't listening. I guess she should have been able to figure out by looking at my face."
>she scratches her head
>"I just don't get it. What could she have been so mad about?"
"I don't know. Everything. You said she told you about it; I'm sure she gave you the laundry list."
>Applejack sighs
>"Eh, you could say that. So she ran in all yellin' and angry and unreasonable, right?"
"Uh, I guess she wasn't so angry til she got knocked down on accident."
>"You hit her on accident?"
"No, I mean, the first time. I was getting Sombra off of me, and he sort of fell onto Twilight."
>"So that's when she breaks out the angry princess routine?"
"Yeah."
>"And she was yellin' at you for everything you'd done that vexed her?"
"Yeah."
>"And you said somethin' back to her."
"I… I guess so."
>Applejack leans in as close to you as she can, her emerald eyes locked onto you like missiles
>"Anonymous. What did you say?"
>what did you say?
>you open your palm and look at it
"I said… I said she was full of shit. I said she didn't give a shit. I said friendship was bullshit."
>Applejack's eyes grow, just a little
>"And how'd she like that?"
"She caught on fire. Actually caught on fire."
>Applejack winces
>"I've seen that. But I know that's not all she did."
>it wasn't quite a week ago
>it's not difficult to remember
>the exact words, the exact sound, the look on her face
"She said I'd rather kill myself."
>Applejack widens the uncomfortably short gap between herself and you
>"And then…"
"Yeah."
>the room is silent
>"Anon. I don't think you're a bad person. But I do think you're dangerous."
"D-dangerous?"
>"That's right. Anon, friendship is basically the definin' trait of Twilight Sparkle. It's what she is. It's her job, it's her greatest power, and it's been the focus of her life since she came to Ponyville. And I've seen it with my own eyes; friendship's a real powerful thing. I've seen a simple friendly gesture turn ponies who were downright nasty into folks who're quite amicable. It's been right helpful to Twilight and me and our friends over the years."
>Applejack scratches at her head
>"And I don't really understand it, but it's also the source of some real powerful magic stuff. That's probably the important part. Sometimes, we get a real nasty fella tryin' to make Equestria not such a nice place. Ya know, tryin' to kidnap the Princess or take over the world or steal all our magic. Stuff like that. Somehow, the friendship that Twilight has with the rest of us girls is always able to come through and zap bad guys like that 'til they're no harm no more. And sometimes we're able to show 'em the error in their ways and turn 'em into nice folks after that, which is nice."
>she frowns
>"And then you come along. A creature that acts like it's impervious to friendship and sets about disprovin' all of Twilight's friendship theories. Can ya see how that might be a bad thing?"
"And how is that my fault? If I prove Twilight's 'friendship theories' wrong, then maybe they're just wrong."
>"Anonymous, I might not be real sciencey, but it seems to me that ya coulda chosen to prove her right."
"It's not that easy."
>"Twilight's still up in the Crystal Empire, tryin' to get through to Sombra. She's not doin' so great. The letter she sent back to Ponyville was all covered in little stains from teardrops."
>is it getting hot in here?
"And… and what does that have to do with me?"
>"Anon, the most hurtful thing you did to Twilight wasn't the slap. It was what ya said about friendship bein' baloney. She sees you as a failure on her part now. She couldn't get through to you. Maybe because friendship just ain't for ya. And if friendship ain't for you, maybe it ain't for Sombra either. She doesn't have no confidence in herself since that night. She doesn't have no confidence in friendship since that night! And if the Princess of Friendship don't have confidence in friendship, well…"
"What?"
>"Things could get bad."
>Applejack pushes out of her seat and stretches on her hooves
>"Well, I got business to take care of at the apple convention. I'll mention some of what ya told me to Twilight next I see her, particularly about the hot water and the friend ya made. I don't know if that'll endear ya to her, but I hope it'll put her in a better way, which is all I wanted outta this visit in the first place."
>ah
>so it was all for Twilight's benefit
>you suppose that shouldn't be surprising, considering that Applejack is Twilight's friend and not yours
>Applejack makes her way to the door
>"Anon, I don't think you're a bad person."
>and she nudges it open with her head
>"I just don't know if you think that."
"What?"
>she leaves through the visitors' door without answering
>fucking apple horse

ACT IV: The Final Act
Part 1: Cloudy With a Chance of Evil

>waking up alerts you to your severe need to shit
>it's like you ate an entire pie last night
>probably because the fucking apple horse didn't take your pie with her when she left
>which means that you did eat an entire pie last night
>the cardboard-thin door swings open easily as you make your way into the passageway to find the bathroom
>you're on the toilet drowning your niggers when some commotion down the hall reaches your ears
>you wrap up your business and wash your hands in short order so you can open the door to see what's going on
>seeing nothing immediately, you turn to look at your room
>and, just like that, you know what's going on
>sort of
>in and around your room is mulling about a gaggle of armored stallions
>guards?
>except the armor isn't like what the guards who brought you in here were wearing
>it's more…
>evil?
>the armor is black, with unnecessary spikes jutting out of the shoulders and back
>the helmet obscures the entire face, complete with a massive, messy black plume on the top and eye slits that glow green for some reason
>but why are they in your room?
>"WHERE IS THE HUMAN?"
>oh
>you sink your head back into the bathroom and hold the door open just a crack to see what's going on
>"Is that its room mate?"
>"What is it?"
>"A whale?"
>"I think it's a unicorn… mare?"
>"Wake it up!"
>only fucking Tumble Hooves could sleep through getting SWATted
>focus, Anon
>right
>so you'll just escape through the window in the bathroom
>you let the door shut and turn around
>there is no window in the bathroom
>fuck
>okay
>it's only a matter of time before someone else uses the bathroom and notices the wanted, six foot tall, hairless biped in here
>what the fuck are you even wanted for?
>is Twilight having you executed for slapping her?
>do princesses work like that here?
>you have to get out
>and you have to go out the bathroom door
>okay
>fuck
>you carefully open the door and sidestep out
>so far, no cries of "there he is"
>good
>all you have to do is creep down the hall now
>take really light steps so they don't hear you and look at you
>keep a really low profile so they think you're a quadruped if they do look at you
>sounds like a plan
>"THERE HE IS!"
>fuck
>you abandon your dreams of a metal gear escape and bolt straight forward, away from the evil-ized guards
>chase sequence music plays in your head as you round a corner and look about frantically
>you need to find a window or stairs or something
>there!
>the bingo room is open!
>there are tables you can hide under!
>nothing for it but to dash in and pray they don't round that corner before you're in
>you go for it
>"There! He went in that room!"
>fucking shitniggering cuntmonger fishfuck assnigger
>before you can even decide if it's worth hiding under a table, green-glowing eyeslits are staring at you from the doorway
>this is the end
>you wonder if Twilight will give you a last meal before magic-chopping your neck or whatever
>you wonder if you'll be able to request a steak
>now hang on a second there, you negative fucking nancy
>you know what else is in the bingo room?
>turning your head and glancing behind you answers that question
>windows!
>a guard whips out an evil-looking dark grey paper with big black writing on it
>you think you see his eyeslits narrow as he leans in closer to the paper in his hoof
>"A-Anony… Anonee.. Anonuh… Anono… human! You are under arrest as an enemy of the empire, by order of-"
>your mighty screech cuts him off as you make straight for a window
>for a split second as you're falling from two stories up with a glass shard in your shoulder, you consider that you may have made an unwise decision
>branches, leaves, stopping
>cracking, snapping, falling again
>you land hard on your back, facing up at the tree you were lucky enough to be jumping into
>hey, something had to go right today, it's only fair
>you've got a brief couple of minutes to recover while the guards make it down to the ground level and get outside
>in the meanwhile, you see that something is rotten in the state of Equestria
>for one thing, the sky is full of something that reminds you of Hollywood searchlights
>only instead of beams of light, it's like beams of dark are waving around in the air
>searchdarks
>and…
>hang on
>there is no way that black crystal statue of Sombra was always there
>oh
>oh holy fuck
>you get the feeling that your arrest wasn't under Twilight's authority
>somehow you feel that very little that was done today was done under Twilight's authority
>because this
>is the reign of the autism king

>"Halt! In the name of the king!"
>with that, your brief moment of respite is over
>an evil-ized guard is lunges at you without even bothering to see if you're going to comply
>your mad scramble to get out of his way results in his hoof leaving a crater in the tree you were under
>now that's not fucking normal
>sometimes you've fantasized about moments like this, imagining that you might give some sort of snarky one-liner before courageously facing your attackers
>this, however, is not a fantasy
>you shriek and frantically flee
>it is, of course, folly to believe you can outrun a gang of horses, let alone super-strong ones who can punch trees into splinters
>you see this as the guards run up in front and alongside of you, encircling you like sheepdogs would do for a runaway sheep
>oh hell
>you stop as hard as you can
>the guards advance a few yards before reacting, giving you an opportunity to change direction
>your mind hastily chooses a direction, hoping that this way takes you to the city proper so you can hide in an alley or something
>a few seconds later, however, you become aware of the fact that Canterlot is built on a mountain
>and you're barreling straight toward the edge of it
>the guards form a solid wall behind you, not allowing you the chance to change direction again
>there's just no fucking option here
>you have to slow down and stop before you fall off of that cliff face
>an anxious guard takes the opportunity to tackle you
>but he hits too hard
>your back cracks in the worst way as your body goes sailing right over the edge of the mountain
>looks like you're in for your second "lucky" break of the day
>you smash right into a tree trunk and freefall into some thick brush not too far below the edge of the city
>breathing is difficult, and movement is impossible
>there are voices above you
>"Where'd he go?"
>"Must've fallen."
>"What? Off of the mountain?"
>"Do you see another place to fall?"
>"Nice going, idiot."
>"It's not my fault, man! I can't get used to this whole dark magic thing; I've never been this strong before!"
>"Ugh. Well we can't just assume that he's dead til we find a body. We're gonna have to report this and get a search going."
>"Nice going, idiot."
>"It's not my fault, man!"
>"It's entirely your fault!"
>the sound of bickering disappears into the distance
>your body decides that there's no significant damage, and your spasming muscles release their tight grip on your lungs and appendages
>you take the opportunity to curl up into a fetal position
>what the fuck is going on?

Part 2: Anonymous Goes Incognito

>okay
>you have to get out of here before those guards in evil armor show up with a search party
>there is no way you're getting all the way down this mountain before they get here
>even if you could, Ponyville is still at least a day's walk from there, plus the issue of not being seen from the mountain
>not to mention that as the seat of a princess it's probably warranted a lot of evil guards of its own
>but the princess in question isn't there
>as of yesterday, according to Applejack, she was still in the Crystal Empire
>Applejack is probably still in Canterlot
>is she safe?
>if what she said about magic friendship beams or whatever is true, then she might be imprisoned right now
>hell, she might be imprisoned just for being Twilight's friend
>and the other four who are still in Ponyville might be in trouble too
>what about Amber?
>would she still be in Canterlot right now?
>could Sombra have found out she was talking to you?
>would she be okay?
>one thing you know about Sombra is that he fucking hates you, and judging by the events of today he probably hates Twilight and the pink princess too
>the other thing you know about Sombra is that he has some powerful autism
>it's difficult to put very much past him at this point
>it seems your only option for right now is to get back into Canterlot
>you'll have a rough fucking time blending in though, now won't you?
>maybe you can find some place to hide
>you crawl out of the bushes and hoist yourself up the short ledge to the city
>and you quickly realize that you may have some unrealistic expectations
>no sooner are you up than a stallion takes you in a bear hug and starts shouting
>"Guards! Guards! I've got the human! I've got-"
"Shut up!"
>you break out of the embrace quite easily
>"Ow!"
>too easily
>it's like he was barely gripping you
>"Oh no you don't!"
>experimentally, you kick the stallion in the face as he charges at you
>his limp body goes flying off into a garbage can, from which it proceed to emit low groaning noises
>huh
>the evil-ized guards all seemed to have super strength
>something something "dark magic"
>maybe you have it too?
>it was less than two weeks ago that Rainbow Dash took you to the gym
>you were definitely a lot weaker than the average pony back then
>and that stallion you just falcon kicked was noticeably bigger than average
>oh shit
>Anon, you have super powers!

>by now a crowd has formed to look at the alien who's stomping on the marble pavement to see what happens
>nothing happens
>it's not even louder than normal
>"Halt, creature!"
>the evil guards have gathered too
>they're currently charging at you, the streets cracking under their hooves
>yeah, whatever they've got, you don't
>fortunately, you have time enough to put a little bit of thought into where you want to run
>you opt for the nearest storefront
>flinging open the door, you dash inside and duck behind the cashier's counter
>the cashier mare gasps and yelps
"Don't say a word or I eat you."
>"E-eat me?!"
>it's good to be a giant monster
>the glass door shatters as guards pour in
>"Where did it go?"
>"Wh-where did what go?"
>"The creature!"
>"Oh, that. It, um, ran out the back way, over there!"
>crashing, clattering, breaking sounds ensue, followed by a slamming door
>you peek up over the counter before standing all the way up
>the cashier mare's face is scrunched in displeasure at her ruined store
>"They didn't even look where they were going! They just ran straight through everything! Can you believe it?"
>she looks up at you with her face still all a-scrunch
>"Did you notice anything funny about the guards today?"
"The evil armor? The super strength?"
>"No, no, no, besides that. They're all colorful now. Yesterday they were all white or gray, and now they're all colored ponies!"
"Uh, yeah, I guess they did look kind of pastel today."
>"Hmmm. And they ruined everything."
"Hey, uh, miss, I hope you don't me noticing, but I got an up-close view of your, uh, cutie mark down there, and I noticed it was solid black. Is that normal?"
>"It's been that way since this morning. Everyone's has. It used to be a sheet, for my linens shop. I think it's making me sick, I've been feeling weak all day!"
"Has everyone?"
>"Yeah."
"Huh. I've felt pretty much normal."
>so you probably don't have super strength
>"Hey, mister, were you really going to eat me?"
"Uh, no?"
>"Aren't you the thing that hit Princess Twilight?"
"Yeah."
>"You know, I don't really like that. But I wake up this morning and I see that all of the sudden there's this evil king in the Crystal Empire and he wants to catch you and I don't know what to think."
"Uh."
>"I don't like this King Sombra guy. I read about him in the news a couple of years ago, and now today he's in charge and I don't even know where the Princess is."
"I think Princess Twilight is in the Crystal Empire."
>"I mean Princess Celestia."
>Celestia?
>you think you've heard Twilight refer to her like a superior once
>she's probably like the main ruler or something
>"What are you gonna do?"
"Huh?"
>"You were Princess Twilight's friend, right? Are you gonna go to the Crystal Empire and rescue her? She always knows how to save the day!"
"Uh, I guess so."
>now that's a heroic phrase to accept an adventure with
>the cashier mare walks over to the glass storefront and pulls down some blinds over it
>"I can help with that. I could help you make a disguise to get on the train there, and bits for a ticket!"
"Uh, sure, thanks."
>"Eee! I'm gonna help save Equestria! Make sure you tell Princess Twilight my name when you see her; I'm Stocky Home."

>Stocky returns with a bundle of sheets and plops it down before you
>"Okay mister, if you wanna look like a pony, the first thing you're gonna have to do is stand normal."
"But I am standing normally."
>"No, no, I mean, like me. See?"
"On all fours?"
>"Sure."
>you get down on your hands and knees
>"Hmmm, you can't stand on your hoov- whatevers in the back there?"
>you stick your butt up in the air to demonstrate
>"Oh. Okay. Can you do a girl's voice?"
"Why?"
>"I'm thinking we're gonna have to make this look like a dress to cover up your hind legs."
"Uh, all right, lemme try… Tee hee, gee golly I sure do love tea parties and-"
>"No."
"Uh, okay, what if I… SOUND LIKE BIG RUSSIAN BABUSHKA?"
>"Like what?"
"Never mind. Does it work?"
>"I guess so."
>she drapes a long, pink sheet over your torso and legs
>"Okay, try not to back up too much in this."
>she pulls up another sheet around your arms and shoulders, obscuring your human form completely
>her hooves and teeth proceed to fiddle with a needle and thread
>"Ow! Ugh, why can't I sew today?"
"Probably because you're using those big hooves. Let me try, I've got fingers."
>"No! I could do this yesterday!"
"Maybe it's the cutie mark thing. Let me try."
>your nimble fingers make quick work of threading the needle, tying it off, and pulling the sheet back up around you
>"Okay, let me just…"
"Ow!"
>"Sorry, just a little bit…"
"Shit!"
>"Yeah, sorry, okay, and, then… there. Wow. That is really shoddy. Try not to make any sudden movements in it, okay?"
"… Right."
>"And now for the face."
>Stocky finds a pillowcase in the pile of linens and starts tearing at it with her teeth
"What are you-"
>she wraps part of it around your lower face
>there's something wet touching your lips
>gross, pony slobber
>another portion is wrapped around your forehead, and another is draped over it all and tied off like a headscarf
>"Perfect, and now for the finishing touch:"
>a pair of sunglasses finds its way into the mask over your eyes
>Stocky retrieves a hand mirror - hoof mirror? - from under the cashier counter and shows it to you
>"What do you think?"
"Do muslims exist in Equestria?"
>"What?"
"Never mind. I'll just say that it's cold in the Crystal Empire if anyone asks."
>"Sounds like a plan. Here's the bits for the train ride."
>a jingling bag is hung around your neck
>"Do you think you can get that and dump it out with your mouth through that cloth? Since you can't use your claws and all."
"I… I can try."
>"Okay, I think the train to the Crystal Empire is leaving in the next hour."
"Uh, thanks for everything then, I guess I'll just be-"
>"Oh, wait! One more thing!"
>she pulls out a photograph of Twilight and her friends
>"After Princess Twilight saves Equestria, do you think you could get her to sign this for me-my… my little sister? Sh-she'd really appreciate it."
"What's your little sister's name?"
>"Stocky Home."
"Isn't that your name?"
>"Y-yeah, w-w-well it's a common name!"
>she sticks her hoof under your dress
>"Now, I saw you had pockets. Here!"
>a piece of paper slides over the surface of your dick and rests there
"That is not my pocket!"
>"Oh, sorry. Leave that part out when you give it to the Princess, okay?"

>under your invisible man getup, you're wearing a very nervous smile
>across the ticket counter of the train station, a stallion with a thick mustache carries the ticket you've purchased in his hoof
>and on his face he carries a very cautious expression
>"And where did you say you were from again, uh, ma'am?"
>oh, come on, you made it all the way from the linens shop to this point without being noticed
>why do you have to get memed now?
"I-I am… of… Stalliongrad."
>on the way in you noticed that a lot of city names in Equestria are just horse puns on the names of Earth cities
>you seriously hope that makes "Stalliongrad" a real place
>"Oh yeah? I used to drive a train out there."
>naturally
"O-ohoho, yes, is very good."
>the fake accent, of course, is to hide the fake female voice you're putting on
>and the fake female voice is to justify the dress
>and the dress is to cover your human legs while you navigate on your hands and knees in your shoddy pony disguise
>and the shoddy pony disguise is to keep  evil, pastel guardponies with super strength from handing you over to the autism king, Sombra
>which is somehow the reason why you're going straight to Sombra's lair in the Crystal Empire
>"Well, you enjoy your trip north then, ma'am. Sorry for the fuss, but I was told to keep an eye out for a two-legged monster."
"Ohoho, t-two-leg monster? I-is old mare tale, pay no mind."
>"Eh, you might be right. But the country's under new management right now, and I can't just ignore an order. Here ya go."
>it's a bit of a trick to grab the ticket by your teeth through the cloth facemask, but you manage
>"And your train is that way."
>you make it over to the train, flash your ticket, and enter the train without further issue
>the further issue doesn't come until you try to take a seat
>aw shit, how are you supposed to make this happen?
>clambering up onto a chair will probably expose your human features
>and sitting like a pony for two hours sounds really fucking uncomfortable
>you're just gonna have to stand
>and by stand, you mean be on the ground on your hands and knees
>how do horses tolerate being quadrupeds?
>before long, the whistle blows
>and a couple of minutes after that, the train passes beyond the Canterlot city borders
>and with that, your grand escape from Canterlot is complete
>now you're gonna have to sit here and brainstorm
>because you've still got to infiltrate the Crystal Empire

Part 3: Well That Didn't Work

>screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>you feel the train grinding to a halt
>oh hell
>you still don't feel like you've got a very great plan
>"This is the end of the line. Please clear your area of all your belongings and exit the train."
>welp
>you shuffle awkwardly off the train on your hands and knees
>the train platform is freezing cold under your bare hands
>was the Crystal Empire always so...
>black?
>the city, which was a sparkling bluish-white just a week ago, is now a hunk of glossy obsidian
>actually it looks really hard to visually navigate through
>in spite of that, it doesn't take you long to locate Sombra's evil lair
>it's the
>BIG
>BLACK
>TOWER
>right where the hideous castle you were in last week was
>okay
>as of right now, the plan is more or less to see if you can just waltz in through the front door
>or crawl right in, given your disguise
>it's not a terribly long walk to the tower
>the guards greet you and hold the door open as you painstakingly ascend the staircase
>looks like you can just crawl in
>"Here you go, ma'am."
"Many thank yous, yes, very nice boys."
>immediately you're in the throne room
>actually, you recognize it as the foyer from last week
>but it looks like Sombra put his throne in here for some sort of public court
>"Oh, oh, look your highness, a petitioner!"
>looks like you're the only one taking advantage of this
>Sombra, adorned in steel armor and a red cape, growls from his throne
>what happened to his horn?
>it's bent
>is that from jerking it off too much or something?
>and his fucking eyes are spewing green gas
>that can't be healthy
>Sombra growls again
>a guard, evidently serving as an autist-to-english translator, speaks up
>"State your business, peasant."
>oh fuck
>what the fuck were you gonna do?
"Uh... I... um..."
>with what was intended to be one swift motion, you tear off your disguise and stand up
>in reality it took about a minute of flailing and clawing
>you stand erect and point at Sombra
"I have you now!"
>...
>what have you done?
>"The human!"
>"How did he do that?"
>"Everyone knows humans are shapeshifters!"
>"But how does he still have magic?"
>"Grrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaagghhhh..."
>"Yes, your highness. The human's execution shall be stayed until we discover the nature of his strange shapeshifting powers."
"Wait, I'm not a-"
>a bolt of opaque, green magic hits you in the face
>your body hits the floor
>unconsciousness hits your brain

Part 4: The Autistishank Redemption

>there's a soft hoof on your face, gently shaking your head
>there's a pair of deep purple eyes staring into your own
>the eyes are embedded in a light purple face
>there are words coming from the face
>"Anon? Anon? Are you waking up?"
"Uh, Twilight?"
>"Okay it looks like you didn't suffer any head trauma. I wasn't sure, because you look pretty beat up."
"Oh… no… I just… jumped out of a building… and then off of a cliff."
>everything is still pretty groggy
>no, wait, it's just you that's groggy
>you shake your head to clear it up
>"You what?"
"The guards. They were trying to get me."
>"Looks like they did."
"Yeah, but not before I waltzed right into the castle."
>time seems to be moving at its usual pace again
>"Why would you do something like that?"
"I was coming to rescue you."
>Twilight cocks her head
>"Why?"
"Applejack visited me the other day. She said that you deal with this sort of thing with friendship beams or something."
>"Oh, yeah, I guess I do, with the help of my friends."
>this whole conversation feels painfully awkward
>it's probably about time you addressed the elephant in the…
>you look around at your surroundings
>…dungeon cell
"I-I'm s-"
>"Anon, we need to-"
"Y-you go first."
>"About our last… altercation. Is that what you were going to say?"
"Yeah."
>"You're sorry?"
"Yeah."
>"Anon, don't be. I'm the one… I figured out later that Sombra threw hot water at your face, I was just…"
"N-no. No matter how you look at, I was wrong to-"
>a gag rings out from behind you
>"Ugh, can you both just be wrong and cut the mushy stuff?"
>there, in the cell directly across from yours, stands Spike, the baby dragon who snores like a freight train, standing with his stubby arms crossed over his puffed-out chest
"Oh, uh, Spike's here."
>"That's right. And for the record, it was me who stopped Sombra last time, not Twilight."
>"With. My. Help. Of course."
>Twilight's eye twitches
>"In any case, Anon, I'm sorry, and I forgive you."
"D-do people really just… forgive each other like that?"
>"Friends do. Especially friends who are slated for execution in the next week. We need to find a way to escape and stop Sombra right now."
"Oh, uh, well then, uh, m-me too then. What's your plan for getting out of here?"

"Well then what's your plan?"
>Twilight's ears flatten against her head
>"Well, strictly speaking, I don't have one. It's just difficult with what's going on right now."
"Oh, I meant to ask you. What exactly is going on right now?"
>Twilight sighs
>"Sombra managed to infuse the entire Crystal Empire with dark magic. In so doing, he's reversed the magical polarity of all of Equestria, so that dark magic is stronger than light magic."
"Uh, which means?"
>"For the vast majority of ponies, it means no magic, no flight, no strength, and no special talent. For a master of the dark arts like Sombra, it means enhanced magic, strength, and special talent. The crystal ponies also get enhanced abilities, but their minds are corrupted and under Sombra's control. You probably noticed that in the guards who tried to capture you."
>Spike pipes up
>"And no fire for dragons."
"Those were crystal ponies? They weren't very crystally."
>"They wouldn't be, under the influence of all this dark magic, but their bodies still have the magical properties of crystal."
"Magical properties?"
>"Crystal is highly absorbent to magic, and once it's got a magical charge it produces and radiates whatever magic is inside of it. That's how this whole problem works."
"Why the hell were you keeping Sombra in a city of crystal then?"
>Twilight puts her hoof up and opens her mouth
>she puts her hoof back down and closes her mouth
>"That's a good question."
"Anyway, why don't you just put some good magic in a crystal and use that to make things normal or something?"
>"Have you been listening to me? I'd do something like that, but I can't do any magic right now. Watch."
>Twilight's horn glows purple, but nothing else happens
>"See? I can't even wiggle your shoelaces."
>hmmm…
"But you can make your horn glow."
>"What?"
>you reach over to the evil black wall and break off an intimidating yet impractical spike
>"How did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't on there very securely."
>"No, I mean, remember what I said? No strength."
"Well that all has something to do with magic, doesn't it?"
>"And there's… no…  magic where you're from!"
"Right."
>"Non-magical strength! Non-magical talents! Anon, do you realize what this means?"
"I've got a feeling."
>"Anon, right now, you might just be the strongest and most talented being in all of Equestria!"
>oh fuck, why
>considering that you're completely DYEL and totally useless, that's saying a fucking lot
>Spike speaks
>"You mean, except for Sombra and his army of darkness?"
>Twilight calms down a bit
>"Oh, that's true."
"Yeah, well, not for long."
>you touch the crystal to Twilight's horn
"Magic this thing up."
>Twilight's horn glows purple
>the purple coloring slowly creeps through the crystal, displacing the black
>it's working
>Twilight's horn stops glowing
>she bows her head and pants with fatigue
>"It's no good. My magic isn't strong enough to take root."
>well shit

>Twilight sighs and claws at the ground with her hoof
>"If my cutie mark was working I might have been able to pull this off."
>her cutie mark?
"Oh, you know, I meant to ask you once, what does your cutie mark mean?"
>"It's magic, and it'd really give me the boost I need right about now."
"So your talent is magic, but you're the "princess of friendship?"
>"Well, friendship is magic, you know. It's a very powerful form of magic."
>Twilight sits down
>and then gets back up
>"Wait, that's it!"
"What's it?"
>Twilight lays her horn on the crystal in your hand and rests a hoof on your waist
>"Okay, Anon, be my friend!"
"What? Twilight, it's not that simple. I can't just 'be' your friend."
>"You're wrong, Anon. It is that simple. Friendship is a choice. It's a decision. It's a realization!"
"What?"
"You just have to believe. You… you have to care!"
"What? Twilight, stop."
>"Didn't I ever tell you how I met my friends?"
"No."
>Twilight groans
>"Remind me to do that sometime. The important part is, when it mattered most, I just… decided to–to-to-to let them in-in-into my heart, to realize and-and accept them as my friends, then…"
>she's getting really worked up about this
"Then what?"
>"Then our magic came to light, and we saved Equestria from eternal darkness,"
>you don't completely understand what she's on about
>but since she's getting so excited over it
>and since it might just get you out of here
>you're willing to give it a try
"Okay, Twilight, you are my friend. Twilight Sparkle is my friend."
>nothing happens
>"Ugh, Anon, you don't believe a word you're saying! You're too afraid! You're not letting me in! Anon, you have to-"
>Twilight rears up on her hindlegs, wraps her forelegs around your midsection, and lays her head against your chest
>"-relax…"
>for a moment you do the exact opposite of what she says, tensing up to the point of spasm
>but your hands find their way to the back of her neck
>and you breathe out
>you're vaguely conscious of the fact that Spike is making a gagging sound
>but mostly, you're conscious of the warm body pressed tightly against your own
>and finally, you're conscious of a brilliant light
>Twilight's horn is glowing with all the colors of the rainbow
>she lets go, gets back on all fours, and smiles up at you
>"People like you were  - and like I was, a long time ago - tend to over-complicate the concept of true friendship. That, right there, is all there is to it."
>her words coax you out of a trance-like state
"I feel like you cheated a little."
>Twilight laughs, and lays her horn on the crystal shard again
>in seconds, a swirling, shifting rainbow of color displaces all the blackness away from the stone and fuses into a brilliant white.
>that's it

Part 5: The Escape

>Twilight's horn glows purple once again
>and so does the crystal, which zips around the cell joyously
>"It worked! In the immediate vicinity of this crystal, the magical polarities are normal! I can do magic!"
>Twilight cranes her neck around and swings her ass in front of her face expectantly
>she sighs and frowns
>"But my cutie mark is still missing."
>you chance a glance at the pony's plot and see that her cutie mark is indeed still replaced with a dark silhouette
>Twilight rubs her chin thoughtfully
>"Hmm… I'm going to need that for what I'm planning."
>she looks at you
>and your hands
>and gets a bright idea
>the crystal is magically pressed into your hand
>"Here, Anon, rub this on my cutie mark."
>wait
>you look at Twilight's cutie mark
>and back her face
>and back at her ass - er, cutie mark
>and back at her face
"Is that really what friends do?"
>"Huh? Of course. I need my talent working."
"I-in front of Spike?"
>"What? Oh, Anon, stop making this weird."
"Uh, all right."
>tentatively, you hold the crystal against her cutie mark
>trying not to notice how soft Twilight's rear end is, you rub the crystal up and down it
>"Harder, Anon, really get in there."
>goodness fucking shit
>your heart is trying to jackhammer its way out of your torso
>you press the crystal in harder and move your hand in circles
>a cold sweat breaks out on your forehead when she lets out a throaty moan in response
>you look over at Spike, who's staring wide-eyed
>shit fucking damn it
>just how unaware can this horse possibly be?
>"Hey, Anon, how's it looking back there? Does my cutie mark look normal yet?"
"Oh, right, uh-"
>yep, the pink and lavender star is right back where it should be
"Yeah."
>"Great. I'll get started on the spell; you get started on the other side."
>oh fuck
>there's two of them

>Twilight's horn glows, and then burns with light
>she closes her eyes, and opens them again to reveal that they're also expelling bright lights
>the air blows and whirls and burns and sparks
>and then five little ponies materialize directly above your head
>naturally, you have no time to get out of the way before they fall
>it takes you a moment to realize that the ponies who form a heap on you also form the main body of Twilight's friends
>Twilight barks out an order
>"All right, girls, group hug, right now! Anon, go break off more crystals."
>the girls groan in pain and confusion
>but Pinkie Pie pipes up
>"Come on, you heard her: group hug! Aren't we all glad to see each other again?"
>you're grateful when the pink blur snatches the ponies off of your back and rushes them over to Twilight
>you quickly set about breaking crystal spikes off of the wall
>"Well o' course we are, Pinkie, it's jus'… aw, shucks."
>you've gotten maybe a dozen spikes off when a bright light from behind you tells you that Twilight got the result she was looking for
>"That'll do, Anon. Bring those over here."
>you comply, laying the crystals down before Twilight, who lays a rainbow-colored horn on them
>just as before, the result is a pile of brilliant white crystals
>Twilight distributes one to each of her friends and grins
>"Feeling better?"
>Applejack shakes her leg and thinks
>"Mightily. What just happened?"
>Pinkie Pie butts in
>"I'll tell you what happened! They locked me up in a prison! Can you believe it?"
>Rainbow Dash squints
>"I'm pretty sure they locked all of us up, Pinkie. What Applejack means is how did Twilight get around Sombra's magic-draining thing."
>Twilight gestures at you
>"Anon came to save me. He offered me his friendship and helped me get you here."
>Pinkie Pie pulls a tissue out of seemingly nowhere and cries an
>"Awwwwwwwwww!"
>Rainbow Dash flies up to be eye-level with you
>"Oh, so we're cool with Anon now? Nothing personal kiddo, but I was gonna beat you up next time I saw you."
"Th-that sounds highly personal."
>"Yes, Rainbow. Anonymous is my friend."
>Rarity taps at the bars of the cell
>"Not to ruin a touching moment or anything, but what exactly are we going to do next?"
>"I'm glad you asked, Rarity. My plan is fairly simple. We break out of here, make for the Crystal Heart, which should still be in the center of the ground floor, and infuse it with friendship. That alone won't be enough to undo all of this, so from there we take the Heart to Sombra, and-"
>Rainbow interjects
>"-And we blast him?"
>"More or less, yes. And while we're doing this, Anon and Spike will take the extra crystals and expose Sombra to them. This should weaken him and free the crystal ponies from his mind control, which makes our job much easier."
>Spike has an objection
>"Why me?"
>"Because someone has to do it, and I don't want just one of you doing it alone."
>Applejack rears up
>"Let's get to it."
>Twilight looks at you again
>"Hold on. First we need to restore your cutie marks. Anon, would you?"
"Wh-what? The same thing I did with you?"
>"Of course."
>oh fuck

Part 6: The End

>Sombra's makeshift throne room is just around the corner
>the girls should be getting to the Crystal Heart soon
>you know, Twilight never actually explained what a "Crystal Heart" was
>whatever
>you gesture to Spike that you're going to move
>he doesn't get it
>"What?"
>of course, living in a society of ungulates would be somewhat detrimental to one's understanding of hand gestures
>you move around the corner, crystals in-hand
"COME 'N' 'AVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE 'ARD ENUFF!'"
>it got Sombra's attention
>but, of course, he doesn't get the reference, and stares at you awkwardly
>Spike tentatively follows you out
>"Anon, what are you- oh…"
>Sombra growls
>his translator shouts
>"Get the monsters!"
>"Hey! I'm not a monster, I'm adorable!"
>you hold out some crystals
"Stay back!"
>the guards who approach you groan and collapse
>friendship is some scary shit, man
>Sombra jumps from his throne and approaches you
>experimentally, you throw a crystal at him
>at once, all of the guards collapse
>so you throw another
>and another
>Spike does the same with his
>Sombra lies on the ground, clutching at his head 
>a familiar female voice cries out from behind you
>"Okay girls, now!"
>a massive rainbow arcs from behind you into Sombra
>actually, you've never seen rainbows be so terrifying
>he cries out
>and stands up
>his body transforms into…
>into a massive shadow
>the rainbow turns black and disintegrates
>Sombra roars
>someone, you can't tell who, is worried
>"Twilight, why didn't it work?"
>"There's… there's too much pain. Too much loneliness! This is why the Crystal Heart needed the entire Crystal Empire to cast him out; we can't do it on our own!"
>the shadow wraps a tendril around you and picks you up
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey buddy! There's no need for this!"
>for once, Sombra speaks in a complete sentence
>"You don't understand."
>Twilight's voice cries something out
>but you can't make it out, because the tendril pulls you into the shadow
>you're surprised to find yourself in a classroom full of crystal schoolponies
>your attention is drawn to a single colt, silvery like a diamond, yet alone in the corner with nobody around
>the scene changes to a hallway with lockers
>that same colt, now a teenager, no longer seems quite so crystalline
>you're in a laboratory
>he's a stallion now, and completely dull and grey
>he's evidently completed some sort of experiment
>he looks around excitedly
>but there's nobody to share his achievement with
>the scene changes again
"Okay, that's enough, I get it."
>you wave your arms and find yourself face to face with Sombra in the shadow
"I understand perfectly. Don't you fucking say I don't, because as far as I can tell we're the same damn person."
>you think about what you just said
"Except I'm lazier than you, and you're magical."
>Sombra hisses at you
"Don't give me that shit you autistic fuck. I'm serious. Read my mind or something; you'll see. And, looking back through my lonely, pathetic life, I see now that there are moments when I could have chosen not to be alone. When people reached out to me. And I'm willing to bet you've had the same fucking thing."
>he goes back to hissing
"Oh yeah? How about your mother? I saw the way she dotes on you, fucko."
>the shadow begins to dissipate
>"Or what about Twilight and the other princess? They offered you friendship and look at how you fucking re-payed them."
>you can vaguely make out Twilight's voice calling to you
>"And Twilight's out there right now. You know she just helped me out a lot, and I'm pretty sure she helped out an even nastier fuck than you once, so stop with the dumb shit and go talk to her."
>the shadow is gone
>Sombra looks like an ordinary pony
"Yeah, yeah that's it. Let's shake on it."
>you stick out your hand at him
>he looks at it silently

>to your incredible surprise, a purple blur leaps into Sombra's face and hits him over the head with a crystal shard
>immediately, Sombra's whole body is absorbed into the crystal, and the city casts off its black robes for its usual bluish hue
>Spike the dragon triumphantly holds the crystal over his head
>Sombra can be seen inside the crystal, furiously pounding at its sides and screeching
"Spike, what the f-"
>the crystal ponies cast off their armor and lift spike up on their hooves
>"Spike, the glorious and brave, has saved us once again!"
>"Let's build him another statue!"
>"Huzzah!"
>the crowd carries Spike off into the city 
>Twilight stares off speechlessly at him
"So, uh, Twilight, is it possible to, uh, get him out of there?"
>she sighs
>"Sure. It'd take me about a thousand years, but I could do it."
"Oh, well, at least he'll be friendly when he gets out."
>Pinkie interjects
>"Or he could feel totally betrayed and completely reject everything you told him!"
"W-well, if that's a thousand years from now, at least it's not our problem."
>Twilight sighs again
>"It's my problem. I'm an immortal alicorn princess."
>Applejack winks
>"It's Spike's problem too then. He's a dragon."
>Rainbow Dash scratches at the back of her head
>"Yeah… I wouldn't worry about it too much."
>for the third time, Twilight sighs
>"You're right. I have other matters to attend to."
>she looks at you
>"Like you. Anon, I free you from my servitude. From here on out, you are no longer my vassal, but my friend. You're free to set up your big tent again."
>Fluutershy gasps
>"You enslaved him?!"
>"Well, it's not exactly the same thing… It was for his own good!"
>the discussion devolves into a five-way debate over the ethics of feudal serfdom
>the only one not partaking is Applejack
>she grins at you
>"You did all right, Mr. Nonermous."
"Thanks."
>she looks at her friends, and looks back at you with a sly smile
>"You wanna see if we can't sneak off to the train while they're a-bickerin'?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

>it's been two years since you arrived in Equestria
>after the most eventful two weeks of your life, you didn't have to move back into the yurt
>Twilight and her… and your friends were more than happy to commission a real house for you
>in the time since, you've been waiting for Amber Ember to visit you
>news of the events made it pretty clear that you were going back to Ponyville, so she probably knows where you are
>you've considered asking Twilight if she can find out where Amber is
>but it doesn't feel right
>it's up to her to visit you
>she just hasn't
>it's not like you're completely alone though
>currently, you're snuggled up on your couch with Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship
>she shifts and looks up at you
>"Hey Anon."
"Yeah?"
>"Do you wanna move back into the castle?"
"Why do you ask?"
>"Well, I've picked up another student of friendship. You could be helpful in training her; I think you may have met her at Pinkie's party."
"Oh, come on, don't bring up the party. I probably don't remember her."
>"Well, I first met her before that, when she was, uh, enslaving a village."
"What?"
>"And I met her again the other day, when she made it so I never met my friends and destroyed the timeline."
"What?!"
>"And I'm just, you know, trying to set her straight, you know?"
>goodness fucking shit
>she's trying to reform another villain
"Twilight."
>"What?"
"Not this shit again."

THE END

This story has a sequel called Legend of the Wandering Autist, which can be found here if you're interested: https://ponepaste.org/3657
It also has a threequel called Act Ten here: https://ponepaste.org/9354