https://web.archive.org/web/20200811135218/https://8kun.top/pone/res/328244.html

Bitter Tea

Chapter One

>the horse is a bit shorter than what you assume is the typical height for a horse
>it seems as though if she were standing on the floor with you, she'd only come up to about eye level with you
>but, given that the horses around her seem to come up to, say, your chest at most, you'd guess she's considered a pretty tall horse around these parts
>her height isn't even nearly the oddest thing about her, however
>for one thing, her name is Princess Twilight Sparkle
>but, you know, a horse can probably be named just about anything
>but then, she's also purple
>also, a long horn juts from her head, and you're pretty sure you can see wings folded up against her body
>there's also that lofty throne she's perched in
>most bizarre of all, of course:
>"You must be the human who appeared in Ponyville this morning. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Uh..."
>she talks
>they all talk
>the big purple one suddenly looks embarrassed
>"Oh, I'm sorry. I've only ever done this once before. Nopony- er, nobody has explained anything to you yet, have they?"
"Uh, no."
>"Okay. That's fine. My name is Twilight Sparkle, princess of Equestria."
"I know. I heard those guys in the armor say so.
>"Of course. Um, what's your name?"
"Anonymous."
>"Oh, I see. May I call you Anon?"
"Sure."
>"You can call me Twilight if you like."
"Okay. So, uh, what's this about explaining things?"
>Twilight nods
>"Of course. In short, you've arrived in another world."
>she looks up and begins to mutter under her breath
>"Uh, what were the things the other Anon had the hardest time with?"
>and she looks back at you
>"Okay. This land is called Equestria. Its inhabitants are called ponies, and yes, we can all talk. You'll find a few other creatures as well, such as griffons, dragons, buffalo, yaks, and, uh, a few others. But for the most part, the other creatures live in other countries."
>she spends another moment thinking before continuing
>"Ponies come in three different tribes. Earth ponies don't have wings or horns, but they're strong and good with the soil. Pegasi have wings and can fly. Unicorns have horns and can do magic. And yes, magic does exist here."
>Twilight's horn glows, and a single flower poofs into existence right in front of your face
>"Uh... what else? Oh. And then there's me. I'm the princess. No, there is no queen above me. Princesses have both wings and a horn. We sort of represent all three tribes. And also we're responsible for little tasks like raising the Sun and the Moon, which I understand isn't how it works in your world."
>Twilight smiles
>"Okay, that should be it. Wow, that was so much easier the second time around. Any questions?"
>it takes you a moment to find your voice
"Uh... I feel like I should have about a billion. But, uh, I can't think of any right now."
>"That's okay. To be perfectly honest with you, Anon, I didn't bring you to my court solely as a matter of royal courtesy. I was hoping you'd been brought to our world for a reason."
"What do you mean by that?"
>"Oh you know. The universe, the prime mover, the grace of Celestia-"
"Who's Celestia?"
>"Ah, we'll get to that in a moment. Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Uh, sure."
>the big purple pony princess stares at you with big purple pony princess eyes
>"What's your occupation?"
>oh geez
"You mean, like, what do I do for a living?"
>she nods
>"Yes. What did you do for a living on Earth?"
>you're a NEET
>but how can you explain that to the talking horse princess without dying of shame?
>you've got to-
"I'm a cop."
>what?
>no
>why would you say that?
>of all the fucking things
>Twilight's eyebrowse arise in delight
>"Oh! A cop! Anon told me about that once. That's, um, sort of like a guard, right?"
>you're suddenly very aware of the gold-armored ponies at the foot of the throne
>that armor looks very heavy
"Well, you know, not like a guard so much as a, um... detective."
>Twilight all but flies out of her seat
>"A detective!"
>oh dear
"Yeah..."
>"As in, someone who solves mysteries?"
"Yeah. M-more like, uh, missing persons than anything major like, you know, murders and stuff."
>"Missing persons..."
>Twilight's mouth curls into a grin
>and you know you've said precisely the wrong thing
>"I knew you'd been brought to Equestria for a reason. Anon, I know this must be a difficult time for you, but how would you like a new job right now?"
>all right
>you should probably say no
>or at least stall
>tell her you need to take some time to settle in
>or maybe-
"Depends. How much?"
>wait, no!
>how is that supposed to get you out of this?
>she's the ruler of an entire nation; she can obviously pay you way too much for you to turn down the job!
>"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. The crown can pay you quite well. If you can do this job for me, I can get you a nice house in Canterlot and have about... say, a hundred thousand bits sent to it."
>and now she's thinking
>"Let's see, by what Anon told me, that's about... one million or so of your dollars? Will that do?"
>one million-?!
"Princess Twilight, you got yourself a deal!"
>first of all
>was that a fake Brooklyn accent?
>second of all
>shit

>Twilight leaps from her seat
>and glides down to the floor next to you
>"In short, Anon, the job I have for you is your specialty: Missing persons. Specifically, my predecessor."
>Twilight seems to sense your next question
>"Oh, uh, I forgot to mention. Pony princesses, or alicorns, don't grow old. Princess Celestia ruled Equestria for over a thousand years before turning things over to me some twenty years ago. She and her sister, Princess Luna, have been taking their ease in retirement ever since."
>and she spends one split second more thinking before adding
>"And no, I'm not related to either once of them in any way. I was Princess Celestia's student before becoming a princess."
>and how long ago was that?
>or would it be rude to ask?
>"And I'm only in my forties."
>ah, apparently not
"Gee, it sure does seem like there's a lot I'd need to know to track down your missing princess. Maybe I should spend a little time acclimating before-"
>"Oh, you're right. I'm getting sidetracked explaining basic things to you. Here, just read the handbook when you get some free time."
"There's a handbook?"
>Twilight's horn glows, and a thick book pops into existence in front of your face
>The Newfag's Guide to Equestria, by Anonymous
>"There was another human before you. He wrote this and asked me to give it to any humans who came after him."
"G-gee, thanks, princess."
>"Actually, you might be meeting him at some point. He ended up becoming Celestia's foster daughter."
"What?!"
>"Magic gets weird sometimes."
>you sigh
>you're officially in too deep to back out of this now
>might as well get started in your new fake career as a private investigator
"So, tell me about this Celestia character."
>the big purple princess sighs wistfully
>gets this
>nostalgic look in her eyes
>"Celestia... she's incredible. I've never known anypony so kind, so wise, so..."
>and she chuckles
>"But... you're probably more interested in what I know about her disappearance."
"Yeah. Let's, uh, talk about that."
>she shakes her head
>"I'm afraid I can't tell you very much. Yesterday, Princess Luna arrived to tell me that she hadn't heard from her sister in months. About an hour later, I received a letter from Anon - the other Anon, that is - confirming that Celestia wasn't anywhere to be found at her retirement palace."
"Just... gone? Without a trace?"
>"One trace. This."
>a short note poofs in front of your eyes
>"I'm going home for a while. I'll see you all in a bit."
>a sun-shaped stamp in the lower-right corner
>"Anon found it in Celestia's bedroom."
"Well, have you... checked her home?"
>"Of course. I've sent scouts to search her retirement palace, this palace, and the Castle of the Two Sisters in the Everfree Forest. I've even had the remains of her parents' hometown searched. So far, not a trace."
"So what did she mean by 'home?'"
>"That's the question all of Equestria is asking. It's possible, of course, that she's simply hiding somewhere either here in Canterlot Castle or in the Castle of the Two Sisters."
"Didn't you just say you had those checked?"
>"I did. But it's the nature of old castles to be riddled with secret corridors and hidden dungeons and the like. The Castle of the Two Sisters especially. The problem is that there's just no way of knowing where to look for them without... well, knowing where to look for them."
"Well who could tell me that?"
>"There's two ponies you could ask. Princess Luna, of course, lived in the old castle with Celestia for many years. And old Starswirl the Bearded, their teacher, knew that castle inside and out back when it was still the Hall of the Triarchy."
>clutching the Newfag's Guide, you assure yourself that you're not going to ask what a Triarchy is
"And where can I find them?"
>"Princess Luna's retirement palace can be found on the island of Cimmeria, just a short ferry ride from Eqeustria's eastern coast. Starswirl actually has a room right here in Canterlot Castle."
"Think he'll see me?"
>"Probably. Come on, I'll take you to him."

>you've deduced, based on what Twilight has told you, that Starswirl the Bearded must have been born over a thousand years ago
>he certainly looks the part
>an ancient, grey unicorn rocks in a creaking, grey chair
>staring at a cloudy, grey sky
>if he's not a princess, you're not sure how exactly he's still alive
>but Twilight told you that magic gets weird sometimes
>and if the ancient grey unicorn's star-spangled wizard-hat is any indication, he's intimately involved with that field
>or, more likely, was
>the old pony sitting before you doesn't look like he's intimately involved with anything more difficult than crossword puzzles these days
>Twilight gently taps him on the shoulder
>"Starswirl."
>Starswirl snorts and jerks his gaze in your direction
>"Princess Twilight... and Anonymous? Ah... you did cure him, then. Well... done..."
>Twilight shakes her head
>"No, no, this is a different Anon. He's a detective."
>dark clouds gather in the old wizard pony's eyes
>"A second... human? An interesting... problem. Perhaps... we may find out... how to send them... home."
>Twilight smiles
>"Maybe, Starswirl, but that's not what we're here for. Anon is going to ask you some questions. About Celestia."
>for the first time, a spark of interest brightens Starswirl's old eyes
>"Celestia... I haven't seen her in such a long time. I wonder... what's become... of her."
>Twilight looks like she's starting to grow irritated
>"Well, like I said yesterday, Starswirl-"
>you clear your throat
"Ah, Princess Twilight here tells me that Celestia has gone missing."
>"Miss...ing...! But where... could she go?"
"Apparently she said she was going home. I was hoping you could tell me what she meant by that."
>"Going... home..."
>Starswirl's eyes glaze over as they cease to see the present
>and the old wizard's gaze is cast toward a forgotten sunny day, nearly eleven hundred years ago

>you are Starswirl the Bearded
>for days you've journeyed from the Hall of the Triarchy to the northern reaches of Equestria
>you recieved a rather intriguing letter from a pair of concerned parents in a little village called North Star
>their names are...
>well, by the time this Anonymous fellow comes to ask you about it, you won't remember their names
>anyway, you're knocking on the door to their cottage now
>a haggard young unicorn stallion opens the door and stares at you with wide, but tired, eyes
>"S-Sir the Bearded? Y-you really came!"
>you're about to respond in the affirmative
>but you're interrupted when a flash of brilliant, golden light erupts from behind him
>when you've finished blinking some sight back into your eyes, you stammer your reply
"Why... why, yes. And I can see I've come just in time. May I come in?"
>the stallion shows you inside
>that's when you see her
>a dazzling white filly with a soft pink mane
>the first thing you notice is her horn
>the sheer power radiating from it is incredible
>and at her age?
>unthinkable
>the second thing you notice is her wings
>wait
>wings?!
>you look at her horn
>then at her wings
"That's a remarmakable child you've got there."
>currently, she's screaming at a silver mare you assume to be her mother
>finally, you see the bruises that dot the filly's white coat
>the mare, for her part, is covered in burns and scars
"Why, you've been fighting with her!"
>the filly's father looks down at his hooves
>"Sir the Bearded, we are but simple unicorns, and she throws such terrible tantrums..."
>the father has a share of singes and cuts as well
>and the house...
>scorch marks
>hastily-patched holes in the walls
>that fissure in the floor
"Yes... yes, I see."
>it's normal, of course, for parents to discipline their foals
>and in the normal course of things, the foals learn to behave and the discipline ceases
>because, in the normal course of things, foals can't...
>do what this one can do
>the filly's father speaks up over the shouting match between the foal and her mother
>"Sir the Bearded, did you happen to cross a barren gorge on your way to town?"
"Yes. Yes, I did. I thought it was odd that it should be so empty. Why do you ask?"
>"It's no gorge. It's a crater."
"A... a crater? From... her?"
>"Yes."
"What are you asking me to do?"
>"Sir the Bearded, we are but simple unicorns. We are not great sorcerers. I fear that our home is not sufficient for Celestia. And now that her sister has been born..."
"Sister?"
>he nods
"Is she... the same way?"
>the stallion points to the far end of the one-room cottage, where a crude cradle sits
>in the cradle lies a dark blue baby
>like her sister, she bears both a horn and wings
>"Her magic has not yet begun to manifest, but I fear for when it does."
"Yes, I can imagine. Siblings fight."
>the simple unicorn shudders
"So you want me to take them away?"
>"No. I don't. But... I need you to. They need you to."
>the sound of boiling ether causes you to wheel around
>the filly, Celestia, is on the verge of hurling a lethal bolt into her mother's face
>bounding toward the scene, you neutralize the spell
>the effort is more draining than you expected, even knowing what she's capable of
>quickly, you're positioned between the combatants
"Hello there, little Celestia. My name is Starswirl-"
>the child's mother interrupts you
>"Who are you?!"
"I am Starswirl the Bearded. You sent a letter to the Triarchy regarding-"
>"Oh! So you're here to take away the little Tartarus-spawn!"
"N-now-"
<"That's mean!"
>boiling ether again
>you cast a hasty shield around yourself and the child
>her bolt is absorbed harmlessly, though tiringly, into the shining wall
>the child's eyes are light purple
>staring at you, wide with interest
"As I was saying, my name is Starswirl."
>she blinks
>this Celestia
>she can't be more than five years old
<"Are you the princess?"
>you smile
"No. I'm the princess' helper. The chancellor's and the commander's as well."
<"Oh."
"Celestia, I'd like to be your helper too."
<"You want to help me?"
"Yes, very much so. How would you like to live in a castle with the princess?"
>she gasps
<"Can I?!"
"Yes, and I'll teach you all about magic. You can be a very important pony when you grow up, if you want."
<"Um..."
"Yes?"
<"Are we going now?"
>there's a muffled screaming match going on beyond the shield
"Yes, that might be best."

>Twilight coughs
>"Um, Starswirl."
>the old wizard goes on
>"Oh, we ended up leaving that day. Luna too, of course. Ah..."
>Twilight waves her hoof
>"Starswirl!"
>Starswirl blinks
>"Hm... yes?"
>Twilight sighs
>"We've already looked in the remains of North Star. She's not there."
>Starswirl looks at the princess like she's retarded
>"Why, of course she's not there! I took her to the Hall of the Triarchy."
>Twilight groans
"So, uh, did she ever go back?"
>"What, to North Star?"
"Yeah."
>Starswirl frowns
>"No. No, I don't believe so."
"Not even just to visit?"
>"Visit who? Her parents?"
"Yeah."
>"No. No, I don't think she would have done that."
>Twilight is tugging on your sleeve now
"So what happened once you got to this Hall place?"
>"Anon!"
"Look, Miss Twilight, it seems to me that I'll need to know more about your missing princess' early life to figure out what she meant by 'going home.'"
>the big purple pony stares at you with deadpan eyes
"All right, sure, so I'm intersted in the story. Still, I think it'll be useful. Probably."
>the princess pony rolls her eyes
>"Okay, fine. I'll... be doing princess stuff. If you need me... here."
>she hands you a purple medallion emblazoned with a pink star
>"That symbol is good for free entrance to Canterlot Castle any time you need to see me. It's also good for free travel to anywhere in Equestria. Come see me when you're ready to move on."
>with that Twilight leaves the room
>and you turn back to Starswirl
"All right, so, the Hall of the Triceratops or whatever."

>you are Starswirl the Bearded
>back in these days, things like balloons and trains haven't been invented yet
>you have to take the fillies back to the Hall on hoof
>the younger one, Luna, of course, spends the whole journey on your back
>you expected to have to carry little Celestia most of the way as well
>but in spite of her stubby legs, the child has no trouble keeping up with you
>is it possible that, in addition to horns and wings, these foals possess the strength of earth ponies as well?
>you'll have to consult with Rockhoof on this matter
>at any rate, it's apparent that these two are something which ponykind has never seen before
>little Celestia never fails to amaze you every day
>one day, it's raining
>the little white filly is scowling up at the sky
<"Dumb clouds! Quit raining on me!"
"Now, Celestia, it doesn't pay to quarrel with nature. You're a little young, but I think I could teach you how to cast a simple-"
>with a furious cry, Celestia lets loose a blinding beam of pure white light into the sky
>when you can see again, a straight swath of clear blue sky extending for miles ahead has been carved out of the dark clouds above
>Celestia is skipping along and humming to herself as if nothing has happened
"-m-magic... umbrella..."
>the biggest challenge facing you, as far as you can see
>is that Celestia seems to have learned that magic temper tantrums are an effective way of getting what she wants
>at this moment, you're fairly sure you can overpower her if you need to
>but a year from now?
>five years from now?
>ten?
>and what about when her sister's magic begins to manifest?
>it's best to break her of the habit as soon as possible
>your program begins a few days out from the Hall, at the base of the mountain that will one day be known as Canterlot Mountain
>you stop beneath a rocky outcrop and take an apple from your supplies
>after magically breaking it down into a fine mush, you begin to spoonfeed it to Luna
>as you hoped, Celestia is soon tugging at your cloak
<"Hey. Give me an apple too."
"No."
>ether boils as the filly begins to scowl
<"I said-"
>with a swish of your horn, the output of Celestia's powerful but crude magic is harmlessly redirected to the bottom of a lake you passed a little while ago
>the lake is probably frothing right now
>but as far as Celestia can tell, it's as though you've simply taken away her magic
>this method is much less tiring than attempting to neutralize or block the tiny filly's lethal bolts
>you can keep it up all day if you need to
>her eyes cross as she looks up at her horn
>then narrow as she frowns back at you
>finally, she lets loose a "humph"
>turns away from you
>and lies down on the ground
>you smile and give Luna a few more spoonfuls before continuing the lesson
"Do you know, Celestia, that there are better ways than magic of getting what you want?"
>she pretends not to hear you
>but can't seem to keep her ears from perking up
"Manners, for example. I might give you an apple if you ask for one politely."
>she groans
<"What's 'politely?'"
"Why, it's when you use your 'please' and 'thank you.'"
>she seems to be burying her face in her hooves now
"Surely somepony has taught you your 'please' and 'thank you.'"
>silence falls
>Luna gets about halfway through her apple before refusing to eat more
>with a soft yawn, the baby settles into the bundle of cloth you've been carrying her in
>and goes to sleep
>when you look up from the baby, you pretend to be surprised to see Celestia staring up at you
<"Mister Starswirl..."
"Yes?"
<"May I please have an apple?"
"Yes."
>you take an apple from your bag and pass it into her magic
>she returns to where she was lying and faces away from you again
>but before eating her apple, she does have something to say
<"Thank you."

"Ah, before we get to this Hall of the Triarchy place."
>Starswirl blinks
"I should probably ask. What exactly is or was the Triarchy?"
>Starswirl shakes his head
>"Young folks just don't seem to know anything these days."
"Yeah, I know. Look, just a quick rundown."
>"When the three tribes united, the princess of the unicorns, the chancellor of the earth ponies, and the commander of the pegasi ruled Equestria together for many generations."
"But that changed?"
>"Of course. When my students became the princesses."
"Your students. Celestia and her sister, right?"
>"Yes, yes."
>the old wizard's eyes are glazing over again
>"Yes... I wonder if Platinum knew, somehow... she didn't seem to like Celestia very much..."

>you are Starswirl the Bearded
>Princess Platinum the Ninth is pounding on your chamber door
>again
>on your workbench sits about four straight hours of extremely delicate alchemical work
>if you leave it now, you'll have to start all over again
>"Starswirl!"
"I don't suppose it could wait?"
>"Not if you want those students of yours to go on living!"
"That seems a bit harsh..."
>"What?!"
>you sigh
"I'm coming, my princess."
>when you open the door
>you understand
>you dip your hoof into some of the pale green goo coating the floors, walls, and ceiling of the passageway
>and you give it a tentative lick
"Hm. Ectoplasm."
>the young princess appears vaguely as though she's about to burst a vein
>Celestia, now ten years old, stands cowed behind the princess alongside her sister
"Would either of you girls care to explain why the princess of all unicorns is covered in ghostly fluids?"
>Celestia perks up
<"I-it was my fault! All mine."
>Luna's ears flatten
>Celestia goes on
<"I, um, wanted to practice my teleportation, and..."
"And by the looks of things, you accidentally opened some sort of rift to Limbo or somesuch place."
<"Uh huh."
"I trust you've closed it by now."
<"Yes, sir."
>Princess Platinum stamps her hoof
>"Starswirl! What are you going to do with them?!"
"I am going to educate them, my princess, as is my charge."
>the princess seems too busy scowling to speak
>so much the better for you
"Now, Celestia, do you remember why it is, exactly, that I've told you not to practice your magic without me?"
<"The... snakes?"
"Yes. The young serpents."
>the princess harrumphs
>"Young serpents! An apt comparison, if I ever heard one!"
"Princess Platinum, I seem to recall another young filly once under my tutelage who made mistakes of a similar nature from time to time."
>Princess Platinum the Ninth, Triarch to the Unicorns of Equestria, formerly a filly under your tutelage, growls
>"It's not the nature I'm worried about. It's the scale. See to your students carefully, Starswirl."
"I shall, Princess, thank you."
>the princess storms off
>Celestia's eyes grow hard
<"That stupid princess! Sometimes I just want to-"
>as the filly shouts, a great quantity of ether begins to boil violently on her horn
>panic rises in your throat as you struggle to dissipate the uncontrolled magic
>she hasn't had an outburst like this in years
>you don't seem to be a match for her anymore
>so instead, you neutralize about half the light in the room and cast a spell to amplify your voice
"Celestia! Compose yourself!"
>she flinches
>and the violent magic disappears
>she's looking down at the floor now
>you sigh and restore the room's lighting
>time to continue the lesson
"Celestia. Why is it that young serpents are more dangerous than old ones?"
<"They... haven't learned... to control how much venom they let out... when they bite."
>you nod
"And you, child, have a great deal of venom."
>Celestia is a bright filly
>the double-meaning of your words is not lost on her
>she is utterly despondent
"Now, if you wish for the princess' respect, there are ways by which you might earn it."
>the filly looks up
<"H-how?"
>you summon a mop and bucket
"You can start by cleaning up all this ectoplasm. Without magic."
<"Yes, sir."
"Not even telekinesis."
<"Yes, sir."
"Next, you can write me a, say, five page essay on the risks involved with teleportation magic."
<"Yes, sir."
>she's not going to like this next part
"And, after that, you can write a letter of apology. To the princess."
<"But-!"
>angry tears waver in Celestia's eyes as she stares at you in shock
>but, at length, she looks down
<"Yes, sir."

>Starswirl's eyes begin to focus on the present again
>"I did finish that experiment... eventually... but I can't seem to remember... what it was..."
>the old unicorn lets out a long sigh
>closes his eyes
>and does not open them
"Uh... Mr. the Bearded?"
>a loud, choppy snore erupts from the old wizard's maw
>you sigh
"I, uh, was hoping to ask if you knew about any hiding places in that hall that Celestia might have used."
>yeah
>no
>this guy's out cold
"Well, shit."
>better go find Twilight
>uh
>was it four lefts, a right, a hang to the middle, up two staircases, three rights, up a staircase, and a left from the room you were in earlier?

Chapter Two

>after stopping to ask for directions numerous times, you eventually find Twilight
>the princess is in a room which appears to serve as a library, scanning the shelves with furrowed brows
>"Done with Starswirl?"
"Yeah. He fell asleep. I might have found a new angle though."
>"Oh?"
"You know where I could find a Princess Platinum?"
>Twilight stops
>and she looks at you
>she looks at you like you've just said the dumbest shit she's ever heard
>"Princess Platinum? From the Hearthswarming legend?"
"I don't know what that is, but Starswirl was talking about a Princess Platinum that Celestia knew. I want to put her on my list of ponies to talk to before heading out of town."
>Twilight's eyebrows raise
>"You're talking about Princess Platinum the Ninth, last of the old unicorn princesses."
"Yeah, the Ninth, I think that's what Starswirl said."
>Twilight shakes her head
>"I'm sorry, Anon, I may have given you the wrong impression by introducing you to Starswirl first. You see, it isn't normal for ponies who lived a thousand years ago to still be alive today. Starswirl is only here now because he spent over a millennium trapped outside of time."
"Sure, but you said that princesses don't grow old."
>Twilight smiles
>"The old unicorn princesses were just that: unicorns. Perfectly ordinary, mortal unicorns. I'm afraid you can't talk to Platinum the Ninth."
"Oh. Well..."
>Twilight scratches her chin
>"You might be onto something though. If you're trying to get a full picture of Celestia's early life, Platinum the Ninth's perspective could be useful."
"But how am I supposed to get that?"
>Twilight levitates an old book off a high shelf and places it in your hands
>Notes From an Old Princess
>"Equestria's first autobiography. By Platinum the Ninth. I read it once when I was younger, but I honestly don't remember it very well. Let me know if you find anything useful."

>once Twilight leaves you with the book, you pick out a desk and sit down
>Platinum the Ninth's prose is flowery and melancholic
>frankly, you skim over most of the beginning
>to be fair, so did Platinum
>born in the Everfree Grove to Princess Ruby Ring the Second
>raised alongside a pegasus named Flurry Wing and an earth pony named Tapioca, future commander and chancellor respectively
>cutie mark in magic at the age of ten
>wait
>cutie mark?
>you crack out the Newfag's Guide and look that up
>apparently a cutie mark is a sort of magic tramp stamp that signifies a pony's talent and overall destiny
>for examples, the Newfag's Guide uses the pink star on Twilight's flank, and the sun on Celestia's
>okay, good to know
>back to Platinum the Ninth
>it's not long before you find a passage with Celestia in it
>apparently their first meeting was something of a big deal to Platinum

>you are Platinum
>at the age of sixteen, you're not yet Princess Platinum the Ninth
>but your mother has been steadily increasing your responsibilities, in preparation for when you are
>your latest responsibility is your first royal wards
>it's common for unicorn foals of special interest and unfortunate circumstances to be taken into the protection of the princess
>your mother had several over the years, most of whom you regard as family, and many of whom still serve faitfully in the Hall
>you're interested to meet the foals Starswirl is bringing to meet you
>no, you're not interested
>you're more than interested
>you're excited
>you're waiting in the great entrance to the Hall, heart buzzing in your chest like a hummingbird
>at last, Starswirl comes trudging into the grove, one filly on his back, the other at his hooves
>you can't suppress a smile as you trot out to meet them
>the white unicorn filly on the ground zips this way and that, trying to take in the whole grove at once with her wide eyes
>her wings buzz excitedly as she takes it all in 
>wait
>wings?
"I see you've brought my wards, Starswirl. But I wonder if I'll have to share them with Flurry Wing."
>your old teacher gives you a brief bow
>"They're fascinating fillies, to be sure, Platinum. Their parents are unicorns, so it seems to me that they'd fall primarily under your mother's jurisdiction."
>Starswirl ruffles the white filly's mane to get her attention
>"Besides, Celestia here is quite powerful. I expect her sister will be, too. I believe the most important part of their education will be teaching them to control their magic."
>you smile down at Celestia
"Oh? Can you levitate things already, Celestia?"
>the tiny filly puffs out her chest proudly
<"I beat a ursa minor."
>you laugh
"Did you now?"
>she smiles and nods
>Starswirl nods too
>"She did."
"Did... did she?"
>"Her parents said so. After what I've seen, I believe them."
>you inspect Celestia more closely
>her smile is bright and warm
>but behind that...
>what could this filly be?
"Hm..."
>finally, you lunge forward
>lightly tapping your nose against hers
"Boop."
>Celestia shrieks, falling into convulsive laughter
"Right this second, Starswirl, I think the most important thing is to get these fillies into a nice, warm bath."
>Celestia's laughter ceases immediately
<"I-I don't like baths..."
>you smile and shake your head
"You haven't had a bath like this, Celestia."
>the filly eyes you uncertainly
"You'll like this one, I promise."

>you blink
>based on what Stawswirl told you about her, you kind of expected Platinum to be more...
>bitchy?
>huh
>in any case, it looks like she took something of a direct role in raising Celestia
>maybe she caught Celestia in a good hiding place?
>hm...
>the next passage deals with that bath Platinum promised
>should you skip it?
>no, it should be fine
>these horses seem to go naked all the time anyway
>right?

>you are Platinum
>the massive, marble bathtub is filled up to about Celestia's chest
>the scented, sudsy water barely laps at the top of your cutie marks as you sit behind the filly in the tub
>do you have servants who could be doing this?
>of course
>they're taking care of Luna, the baby, in another part of the Hall now
>you levitate a bottle of fragrant oil over Celestia's head and lightly drizzle a bit of it into the soft pink hairs there
"My, Celestia, what a pretty mane you have."
>her wings shuffle a bit as she mumbles something you can't quite make out
>you sit up on your haunches to gently massage the oil into her scalp with your hooves
>the reason you're doing this yourself?
>you'd like to get to know this filly
>on the one hoof, she and her sister are clearly something entirely new and unknown
>if half of what Starswirl says about their power is true, then their development as ponies is of the utmost importance to all of Equestria
>they've been placed in your care
>you're going to do everything you can to see that they grow up faithful servants of the nation
>no
>more than that
>they're going to be good mares
>because, if they're not...
>well, on the other hoof, they're something very old and well-known:
>a pair of unfortunate foals
>the wet, white hairs of Celestia's coat betray the bruises on her hide easily
>the little white filly has your fullest sympathy
<"Um..."
>you blink
"Yes?"
<"Are... are you the princess?"
>you levitate a bar of soap over and begin to lather your hooves with it
"I will be, someday. My mother is the princess."
<"Oh."
>she grunts as you begin to rub the soap suds into her mane
<"Is your mother a nice pony?"
"I think so."
<"Oh."
>you float over a pitcher of warm, pure water and pour it into the filly's mane
>she flinches a bit
>you begin to stroke the mixture of oil, soap, and water out of Celestia's mane with your hooves
<"Are... are you..."
"Hm?"
<"Are you going to be my mother?"
>hm
>Starswirl mentioned a troubled household
>better give her a somewhat political answer
"Is that what you want, Celestia?"
>a tiny sigh escapes her lips
>you pour a bit more water into her mane
<"No."
>Flurry Wing loaned you a jar of the finest feather soap she could find
>"Just spread it on top of her wings and rinse it out," she'd said, "Definitely don't go against the grain. I'll show you how to preen her properly later."
>and so
>that's what you do
"Okay. You can call me Platinum."
<"Okay. Platinum."

>uh
>this bath scene goes on for, like, ten more pages
>you're not sure if your attention span can handle that
>you begin to skim again
>"I fear I began to grow hard with my mother's passing."
>whoah
>that was fast
>you make sure Celestia's name is somewhere on the page to justify jumping back into the story
>and in you go

>you are Platinum
>no
>not anymore
>you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
>better get used to it
>at the age of seventeen, you are not only the first of your friends to ascend to her throne
>you're also the youngest triarch in Equestrian history
>your friends sit in small thrones beneath you
>your friends' parents sit in grand thrones on either side of you
>eyeing you grimly
>feeling their approaching mortality
>but then, maybe you're just projecting your own feelings onto them
>because, right now
>seated in your mother's throne
>wearing her ceremonial attire
>waiting for them to place her crown on your head
>you feel extremely mortal
>it was Starswirl who told you how she'd been suffering from horn rot
>how she'd painted her horn to hide it
>your mother will go down in history as a proud mare
>too proud
>you wish she'd told you herself
>maybe then this all wouldn't feel so...
>sudden
>your teacher stands at the front of the silent crowd beneath you
>your ward stands beside him
>you're not sure it was such a good idea for Celestia to be here
>she seems a bit young to understand what's happened
>the filly stands there, staring at you with awestruck eyes
>you see her tug at Starswirl's cloak
>you hear her break the ceremonial silence
<"Starswirl! Do you think I could be the princess someday?"
>murmuring
>staring
>pointing
>dark clouds lift from Starswirl's eyes as he gently smiles and shakes his head
>"Probably not, child."
<"But-"
>"It's time to be quiet, Celestia. You're disturbing the princess."
>the child, to her credit, holds her tongue after that
>and as for you
>are you disturbed?

>yeah okay not super useful
>skimming
>skimming
>Platinum spent most of her early reign dealing with an epidemic of a disease called horn rot
>nasty stuff, as far as you can tell
>Celestia and her sister faded to background noise as the young princess struggled with the crisis
>annoying background noise
>the references to them that you're seeing right now tend to follow this format:
>princess is doing something important
>sisters do something stupid
>princess has an anyeurism
>oh look, there's that story with the ectoplasm that Starswirl told you
>as far as you can tell
>against the realities of managing one third of Equestria's population, Platinum's early resolve to take an active role in the girls' education just sort of
>died out
>until...
>the day Celestia got her cutie mark
>you crack open the Newfag's Guide to the cutie mark page again
>special talent...
>general destiny...
>"Sunbutt, for example, raises the sun every morning."
>you close the Newfag's Guide
>yeah, okay
>you're guessing this was a pretty major moment in Celestia's life
>it's probably worth checking out in more detail

>you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
>it's finally happened
>you're staring at a pitch black sky
>your mages lowered the Moon with some difficulty
>but the Sun
>it won't come up
>now that Dark Star has taken ill with horn rot
>your circle of active court mages has been reduced to exactly half its original number
>you started pitching in with your own not-inconsiderable power some weeks ago, after Grimoire fell ill
>ushering in the Sun and Moon has been exhausting work, getting worse with each sick mage
>and today
>no matter how hard you all try
>the power to raise the Sun just isn't there
>you're not sure if the loud, choppy breaths lurching from your throat are gasps
>or sobs
>a bead of sweat rolls into your eye from above
>it hurts
>and when you open your eye again, you're greeted by the strange sensation of another drop of sweat 
>it falls from the corner of your eye
>your glare darts this way and that around the courtyard
>daring someone to say something
>noone does
>the small band of mages stand with heads bowed and slick with sweat
>Flurry Wing and Tapioca are staring at you
>just staring at you
>you can't meet their gaze
>so you look up
>stick your chin high in the air
>neck straight
>withers square
"I'm going to my study."
>Starswirl recovers from his exhaustion quickly at that
>"Princess, we can't-"
>he's silenced by your icy, blue eyes
>but, in a moment, he's matched your gaze
>and goes on
>"We cannot give up."
"I know that. In this nation, pegasi create the weather, earth ponies grow the food, and unicorns provide the Sunlight which makes both of those things possible. If we cannot provide that, there is no nation."
>you cast your gaze at the other triarchs
"And we shall provide it."
>Tapioca's shaggy facial hair doesn't twitch or shift in the slightest as he offers a deep nod
>but a dam breaks in Flurry Wing's face
>"Nopony said you wouldn't! Just... Platinum, don't... don't do anything rash."
"Nothing rash in mind. Quite the contrary. I merely intend to find more mages for my court. Searchers shall be sent to every corner of Equestria-"
<"But that could take weeks!"
>who?!
>ah
>who else?
>in characteristically dramatic fashion, Celestia descends from the high walls of the courtyard
>at the age of fourteen, Celestia's horn comes up to about your forehead
>at the age of fourteen, this self-sure child doesn't even have a cutie mark
>for her to interrupt you like this!
>you'll humble this foal yet
>Celestia's younger sister comes wobbling down after her
>"C-C-C-C-C-Celestia! D-d-don't do anything stupid!"
"Your sister is wiser than you, Celestia. I suggest you take her advice."
>Celestia smiles
>smirks, almost
<"I have nothing stupid in mind, my princess."
>and she waits
>waits for you to give her permission to speak
>that devil-may-care smile on her face the whole time
"You tire me, child. Come, tell me your idea."
>you're not sure what you expected
>but it wasn't this
>Celestia
>bows
>it's a deep bow, her chest and nose grazing the ground
>even her wings, too broad for her size, are draped out across the courtyard
<"I humbly offer my services to this court... my princess."
>Luna hastily and clumsily follows suit
>"I-i-i-i-if you'll have us, that is."
>it's no secret that you don't like these sisters
>but it's also no secret that their power is great
>the younger sister can be dismissed easily enough
>you don't trust that she's yet learned to control her power well enough for a major undertaking like this
>but the elder one
>she chose the perfect moment to strike
>Celestia can definitely make up for at least Dark Star, which is enough to raise the Sun
>the other triarchs know this
>the other triarchs need the Sun for their own ponies
>and you
>you're not willing to make ponies suffer
>not even to humble this arrogant child
>very well
>if she wants to be a royal mage
>then you'll put her to work
"Your services are accepted, Celestia. When the mages have taken an hour to rest, you shall join them."
>that's when she looks up
>smiling a huge, toothy grin
<"Why wait?"

>the silent library is disturbed by your sharp breath
>the silent pages of Notes From an Old Princess have no response for you
>you sigh
>it seems kind of unlikely that Celestia would consider the Hall of the Triarchy a "home" of any sort
>or, if she does, it probably has more to do with when she later took over the place with her sister
>which means you should probably go and meet Princess Luna as soon as possible
>still
>you might as well finish the cutie mark story
>it's interesting

>you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
>something sticks in your throat as Celestia rises
>turns away from you
>and looks up at the sky
>Luna is tapping at her sister's leg
>"W-what are you doing?!"
>Celestia's horn glows
>Starswirl starts
>"Celestia! You'll hurt yourself!"
>Celestia's wings rise
>you can't speak
>more ether than you've ever seen is currently flaring on the long, alabaster horn
>the child takes flight
>each flap of her wings is labored
>her ascent is slow
>as though she's...
>pulling something
>and for once in your life
>the murmurs
>the whispers
>the pointing
>they cease
>because what you're witnessing here today
>it goes beyond mere politics
>with great difficulty, something forces its way through your lips
>words
"Somepony..."
>the sky glows a dull orange
>nopony hears your whispered plea
"Stop her..."
>finally
>like some great, bloody birth
>the Sun bursts through the horizon
>spilling red light across the whole firmament
>and as the Sun grows higher
>the light fades to a softer orange
>a brighter yellow
>the sky turns blue
>and Celestia floats to the ground
>graceful and light
>like a feather
>you would see, if you cared to look, that no trace of arrogance remains on the child's radiant face
>but you're not looking at her face
>because there
>on her flank
>proudly shining from the flank of this child of no tribe
>the Sun
>your Sun
>and in this moment
>you've just realized that you are the last of the old unicorn princesses
>the revelation is staggering
"Celestia. Child. Dear."
>the full load of the Sun's magic still coursing through her hide, Celestia seems to have forgotten that she never liked you
<"Yes, princess? Platinum?"
"Would you wait in your chamber for a short while? I'll be with you in a moment."
<"Yes, princess."
>unsteady yet graceful
>the lanky, teenaged goddess makes her dazed way inside
>her sister, a chubby, blue cherub, hastily stumbles after her
>all eyes are on you
>you are obsolete at 25 years old
>you imagine a young dinosaur with a cutie mark in comet-watching
>it might be pointless to try and stop the comet
>just the same, one must try
>you nod at your guards
"When they get to their chamber, ensure that they do not leave it."
>Starswirl snaps himself out of the general daze first
>"Princess! You cannot possibly think you can hold them!"
"I don't intend to. They'll be on their way out of Equestria by noon."
>Tapioca sputters
>"You want to banish the girls?"
>Flurry Wing gasps
>"They're your wards! You swore to protect them!"
"They don't need my protection. You've seen what they're capable of. No, rather, unicorns need protection from them."
>you point at Tapioca
"Earth ponies provide the food."
>you point at Flurry Wing
"Pegasi provide the weather."
>you point at the yourself
"And unicorns provide the Sun. It's what we contribute to Equestria. It's why I'm able to advocate for us as a triarch. It's what we do."
>and you point at the Sun
"If we give away our Sun to some child of no tribe, then unicorns live in vain."

>you're seated in your mother's throne
>her full ceremonial garb fits you perfectly now
>you've put it on today to rid yourself of something she gave you
>you've wasted no time getting the formalities ready
>exiling a pony isn't something you can just do with a flick of your quill
>of all the tribes of ponies, unicorns have the longest tradition of rule of law
>you cannot claim to be preserving your tribe while trampling on the very laws which uphold it
>and besides, even if you didn't particularly like them...
>there's no denying that sending two children into the wilds on their own is horrible
>there's no need to make it even worse by denying them their basic rights
>the girls will have a chance to argue your decision
>you doubt if they'll succeed
>you need to get them out of here before they can start building up support
>that Celestia is ambitious by nature
>if she gets it into her head that she can take your throne from you, she'll do it
>your foremothers have served your tribe since before Equestria was founded
>you can't say with confidence that an arrogant child of no tribe will do the same
>the presence of the other triarchs beside you is purely a formality
>it was decided a long time ago that the girls fall under the sole jurisdiction of the unicorn princess
>you're thinking about breaking tradition to ask them to leave
>you don't like the looks they're giving you
>and you already broke with tradition by asking Starswirl to stay away
>but you don't get the chance
>the doors to the courtroom are grasped in a field of blinding ether and flung open
>gone is the arrogant child of this morning
>the pony that walks in has the bearing of a scornful goddess
>she carries herself the way you imagine an ancient tyrant might have done
>high though your throne is, she looks straight over you as she takes her even, echoing steps
>her sister follows close on her hooves, trembling and glancing this way and that
>Celestia doesn't bother advancing to the foot of the throne
>she doesn't even bother crossing a quarter of the room
>instead, she stops withing leaping distance of the door
>she speaks to you in a magically-amplified voice
>though you get the feeling she didn't have to cast a spell to do this
<"I'm told you wanted to see me, princess."
>you don't bother amplifying - or even raising - your voice
"I do."
>she'll have to either step closer or amplify her hearing to hear you
>but she doesn't seem to do either
<"Have you sent for me to induct me into your royal mages? To press me into your faithful service? To beg for my help?"
"I have not."
>two short blinks are all the sign of surprise that Celestia gives you
<"What then?"
"I have sent for you to ask you to leave."
<"The Hall?"
"The country."
>Celestia's mouth curls into a cruel scowl
<"You think you can force me to leave?"
"I do not. Nevertheless, I ask."
>lavender eyes lock onto yours
<"You really are stupid, aren't you, Platinum?"
>laughter
>just
>hysterical
>laughter
>and words are gasped between the laughs
<"You don't get it, do you?"
>you keep a close eye on that horn
>if it lights up, there's not much you can hope for but to teleport out of the way in time
<"I don't need you!"
>and the laughter stops
<"But you need me!"
>your response is measured and precise
"We'll get along without you."
>she spends a long time just standing there
>staring at you
>whatever's going on in her head
>whatever's going on in her heart
>you don't see a hint of any of it
>until, at last
>the child's nose turns up high
<"Fine. I'll go."
>a breath you didn't realize you were holding makes its way out
"Thank you. I'm sor-"
<"But I'm taking my Sun with me."
>there's a massive flare of blinding white ether
>and when it's gone
>the Sun no longer shines through the windows of the courtroom
>Celestia is already marching out
>haughty
>without turning around, she lobs her parting words at you
<"When you realize you need me, send somepony to come beg."
>and so
>she leaves
>but the younger sister
>she hesitates
>she looks in the direction Celestia went
>and she looks at you
>"Um... Did you want me to go too?"
>you nod
"Yes, Luna."
>"Oh... I'm sorry..."
"Don't be. You did nothing wrong."
>"Then... why...?"
>your stern mask begins, ever so slightly, to crack
"Because life is complicated. Sometimes, things have to happen that... aren't fair."
>"My sister says you're afraid of us."
"She's right."
>"Oh... Um..."
>Luna shuts her eyes tight
>and her horn gives off a bright field of silver ether
>when it's gone, rays of gentle Moonlight filter into the courtroom through the great crystal windows
>"I can't do much, but..."
"Thank you. It's lovely."
>"Do you still want me to go?"
"Yes."
>"Oh... I'm sorry..."
"Luna."
>"I know my sister can be scary sometimes, but she can be nice too."
"Luna. I think she needs you now."
>"Oh! You're right! Um... bye!"
>the child scampers out of the courtroom, apparently unaware of the crescent Moon which now adorns her flank
>your mask shatters
>you sigh
>Flurry Wing breaks her silence
>"Platinum? How are you?"
"About a thousand years old."

>looking up from the book, you see that moonlight is filtering in through the library windows as well
"Is that it?"
>the book goes on for a number of chapters afterward
>you sort of half-assedly skim it
>Platinum spends about a chapter angsting over her decision
>the horn rot epidemic goes away as suddenly as it came
>the unicorns are able to raise the sun on their own about a day or two after the sisters leave
>except about a day or two after that the sun starts raising itself?
>and now there's a number of chapters where Platinum angsts about having an heir
>goodness gracious, this lady went through husbands like popcorn
>she's barren as fuck
>hey, some of these "trying to get pregnant" scenes are kind of steamy
>you are not ready for talking horse erotica, definitely skipping those
>ah, here's something that's not pornographic
>she's, like, in Tapioca's room or something
>and they're, like, talking about their feelings or something
>"Eleven months later, I announced that I had adopted a sickly unicorn colt by the name of Blueblood. Let the reader deduce what she likes from this."
>holy hell what a slut
>something about a rash of monster attacks
>something about Starswirl the Bearded disappearing during one of these
>general angsting about a perceived general loss of vitality across all of Equestria
>come on, there's gotta be a scene where she makes up with Celestia somewhere in this fucking thing
>shit, man
>is it just you
>or is it tired in here?

Chapter Three

>you wake up slumped over a table in what appears to be a library
>somebody's nudging your shoulder
>turning around, you see that it's-
"Holy FUCK!"
>you're on the floor now
>the purple princess pony leans over you
>"Anon? Are you all right?"
>oh
>so that all wasn't some kind of horrible fever dream
"Yeah. I just, uh, forgot where I was."
>"Oh, I'm sorry."
>Twilight encases you in a purple glow to set you on your feet again
>"Maybe I should have given you some more time to adjust before throwing you straight onto a case."
>okay, here's your chance
>just admit that you're in over your head
>you can get out of this job
>this fake job
>this fake job which you have absolutely no business attempting
"Ah, that's fine. I was hoping to talk to Princess Luna today."
>damn that million dollar reward
>"That should be fine. I've sent her a message saying you'd probably be seeing her soon. Do you still have that seal I gave you?"
>seal?
>oh, that thing
>you produce the lavender disk from your pocket
"Yep."
>"You're good to go then. Just get on the next train to Fishmouth and take the ferry out to Cimmeria. The conductors should accept that as a ticket."
"Yeah. Can't wait."
>Twilight pokes at the book
>"Find anything interesting in here?"
"Uh, I'm not sure yet. I think I fell asleep the part where Celestia got banished."
>Twilight frowns
>"Celestia was banished? Is that how the story goes?"
"That's what the book says. I get the impression she wasn't always as kind and wise as you knew her to be."
>Twilight picks up the book and grimaces
>"You'd probably better get going soon. The next train to Fishmouth leaves in less than an hour."

>sitting here on this train, you finally get a chance to just think
>to just process the events of the last 24 hours or so
>and you know what?
>this is all really fucking bizarre
>like
>what the hell?
>so you wake up in a world full of, like, magical talking horses and shit
>and somehow you sperg out hard enough to convince their ruler that you're a detective
>and now you're hunting down a retired princess by asking people about thousand year-old history
>the most bizarre part?
>how remarkably NOT bizarre it all is
>these creatures speak perfectly ordinary English
>you're sitting here on a perfectly ordinary train
>you're not even getting weird looks from the locals
>if not for your wallet and the pack of cigarettes in your pocket, you could almost believe that your whole life up until yesterday was some kind of crazy fever dream
>with the Newfag's Guide to Equestria in your hand, you're able to identify things that Twilight explained to you yesterday
>the earth ponies
>the pegasi
>the unicorns
>you're able to pick out things you read about in that old book yesterday too
>most of these ponies here have cutie marks on their flanks
>here's a baker
>here's an athlete
>there, you think, might be some kind of... wizard?
>the very young ponies here have no marks on their flanks
>this helps you understand Celestia's cutie mark story a bit better
>what you read about was the moment in time when she found her place in society
>man, you wish it were that easy back home
>imagine, one day you're just some kid
>the next day, you get a magic ass tattoo telling you what you're good at and what you'll like doing
>there are probably no NEETs in Equestria
>probably no fake detectives, either
>except for one, of course
>the train tracks curve
>a window-shaped square of sunlight slides directly onto your face
>damnit
>you raise your arm and squint your eyes
>the train continues to turn
>the light slides off and into the next guy's face
>you blink some sight back into your eyes
>there are multiple pictures of Celestia in the Newfag's Guide
>like Twilight, she's tall
>broad wings and a long horn
>her mane, a faded rainbow, probably flows on that same invisible wind
>now, you're probably no judge of equine beauty standards
>but
>she's very pretty
>an earth pony stallion, with a driver's cap and bushy sideburns, like some kind of cartoon charicature of a train conductor, comes cantering into the car
>"Next stop's Fishmouth! Five minutes! All ashore who's goin' ashore!"
>geez
>this place is weird

>a few hours later, you're stepping off the ferry to Cimmeria
>it's a little, rocky island, with a dark, overcast sky hanging overhead
>a little village with gabled roofs extends a hundred yards or so from the docks
>it's the sort of place where folks probably say "nor'easter"
>beyond the village looms a small mountain
>more of a rocky hill, really
>a gloomy, grey castle sits atop the hill, probably built around the lighthouse which now comprises the castle's tallest tower
>that, if you understand correctly, is Princess Luna's retirement palace
>also, if you understand correctly, there's no way up to it except on foot
>better get going
>some twenty minutes later, you reach the summit of the hill
>okay, forty minutes
>seventy
>look, man, it's a fucking mountain, what do you want from me?
>ninety-one minutes and fifty-two seconds later, you reach the summit of the damn hill
>I mean mountain
>on a side note, your glutes are gonna feel GREAT tomorrow
>"Ah! You must be Anonymous. I'll be right with you."
>Princess Luna is a bit shorter than Twilight
>but she's definitely a princess pony
>at the moment, she's tending to a thriving hedge of lilac bushes
>which, given that you have yet to observe any topsoil on this island, you're going to attribute to magic of some sort
>"It's important to keep plants properly watered around here. The sea-spray dries them out quickly."
>the last drop falls from her watering can
>and she sets it down
>at last, Princess Luna looks at you
>it's an odd smile she's giving you
>it'a cool, yet nice
>like a starry night
>"It's a long journey here from Canterlot. I expect you're tired. Tell me, when's the last time you had something to eat?"
>at the mention of eating, your stomach lets loose an almighty roar
"Uh... before I woke up in your world yesterday, now that I think about it."
>Luna shakes her head
>"You must forgive Twilight for forgetting to offer you something. She's always been a very nervous pony. I expect that with my sister's disappearance, she was most anxious to get you on the case."
"Well I, uh, probably should have said something before I left. I forgot myself til you mentioned it."
>Luna nods
>"I imagine you did. You seem most determined to find my sister."
>you blink
"Do I?"
>"Yes. I watched you make your way up here. It was slow going, but you didn't stop to rest once."
"Didn't I?"
>Luna lets loose a single, ladylike giggle behind closed lips
"I'm glad that fate sent such a dedicated detective as you to help my sister, Anonymous. But come, you must eat. I'll have tea and cake ready in a moment. We may talk for a while once you've tried some."

>Luna's lonely palace has a melancholy air
>but it's not the same kind of melancholy as Princess Platinum's book
>this is more...
>serene
>the ancient princess takes dainty sips and small nibbles of her tea and cakes
>she follows this up with frequent, yet not overly-frequent, dabbing of her face with a handkerchief
>the pony seated across from you is a true paragon of all things mannered and cultured
>and then there's you
>you're not sure how all those crumbs ended up on your lap
>but, somehow, you're acutely aware of each and every one of them
>Luna sets her cup down, generating a light "tink", precisely measured to inoffensively get your attention
>"So, what do you think of her so far?"
>you hold up a finger
>there's about two or three cakes in your mouth that you need to finish chewing real quick
>because talking with your mouth full is rude
>see? you can be well-mannered too
>once that's done, you answer her question with a question
"What do you mean?"
>"My sister. Twilight has told me that your strategy at the moment is to learn about her life's story."
>well, that's a nice way of phrasing what you've been doing
"Uh, yeah. You could say I've been doing that."
>"So, what have you learned?"
>you scratch your head
"Um... Well, I've only gotten as far as..."
>"Yes?"
"Well, you know. That time when you... and her... were... you know. Banished."
>for the first time since you've seen her, a frown touches on Luna's lips
>"I see. Princess Platinum's account?"
"Yeah."
>"It's not an inaccurate telling of what happened."
"That's good, I guess."
>"So?"
"What?"
>"What do you think of Celestia so far?"
"Well, she seemed... I mean, I'm not sure how relevant all that is."
>"Oh?"
"I mean, you showed up in the story a few times, and you seem... pretty different from how you were back then."
>"And how was I back then?"
>she's smiling again now
"I guess you seemed... timid? Like you were always afraid of something."
>"And I don't seem that way now?"
"Well geez, no. The way you are now, you don't look like you've ever been afraid of anything."
>ever so slightly, her smile widens
>and she leans forward
>and speaks in a low voice
>"You're wrong. I'm still afraid. Even right now, I'm desperately afraid that something terrible might happen."
>you blink
"Why?"
>"I did something very bad a long time ago. But you must be the only one in Equestria who doesn't know, so I think I'll hold onto that for a little while longer."
>Princess Luna takes a precise sip from her teacup before continuing
>"Once, I spent a thousand years meditating on violence. To ensure that it never happens again, I've resolved to spend a thousand years meditating on peace."
"A thousand years? But you were only born around eleven hundred years ago."
>for just a moment, a genuinely dark look passes over Luna's face
>"Like I said, I did something very bad a long time ago. I'll keep it to myself for now."
"So what will you do after that?"
>"Hm? After what?"
"After your thousand years of meditation?"
>Luna takes another sip from her teacup
>"You are the first to ask me."
>she spends a moment thinking
>"I suppose I will return to Canterlot. I never really had my chance to rule, and Twilight should be ready to take her rest by then."
"You think Celestia was ready? To take her rest?"
>"Apparently not, judging by all the worry she's caused. Say, Anonymous, why don't you ask me some questions now?"
"Questions, right. Detective work, interviews, got it. So, uh, know any good hiding places in the old Hall of the Triarchy?"
>"The Hall of the... Ah, it's been a long time since I've heard it called that."
"Oh, you know, the, uh, Castle of the, uh..."
>"Castle of the Two Sisters. Or Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, depending on who you ask. Though I suppose ponies now just call it the old ruin in the Everfree Forest. I'm sorry, you were asking about hiding places there?"
"Yeah. Twilight said it would be a good place to start looking for your sister."
>"Mm, yes. The old Castle is home to many hidden places. There... was one such place that Celestia and I shared, when we were little."
"Remember where it was?"
>she shakes her head
>"It was a long time ago. Give me a moment and I may recall..."
>Luna frowns into the ceiling for about a minute
>and sighs
>"I have an idea, Anonymous. How about I tell you a story that happened there? I may remember its location if I speak of it for a while."
"Sounds fine to me."
>"Very well. But you must promise me something first."
"What's the promise?"
>"Before I answer your question about the hiding place, you must first answer mine about Celestia."
"What question was that again?"
>"What do you think of her?"

>you are Luna
>Starswirl is always telling you that you're very good at magic for a filly of five years old
>so you're not really sure how a simple teleportation spell went this wrong
>you think what you're looking at might be one of those magic doors Starswirl warned you about
>you'd close it, only it doesn't seem to have a knob
>or hinges
>or a door, really
>what it does have is clouds of icky green slime
>the clouds look like big ponies and they fly around yours and Celestia's secret room while screaming really loud
>you'd be scared of them if you weren't more scared of the princess
>as it is, you're blasting the icky slimy ponies as hard as you can with your magic, but they don't seem to care
>a whimper escapes your throat
>you are so gonna get yelled at
<"Luna!"
>ah! it's happening!
>you spin around really fast and try to block the magic door from Celestia's sight as best as you can
>which isn't very best, seeing as the door is way bigger than you
"U-um... um..."
<"Why are there ghosts all over the place?!"
"Gh-gh-gh-ghosts?!"
<"Never mind. Just step back for a second."
"Huh?"
>your big sister is charging a big spell on her horn
>and pointing it straight at you!
>you scramble out of the way
>Celestia's spell hits the magic door
>there's a really big flash of light
>and the door and the ghosts all go away
>Celestia looks at you
"U-um... um... I was practicing teleporting, and... and..."
<"And something went wrong, I can tell."
>there's icky green goo all over the room and you're really really sorry
>"Which one of you is responsible for this?!"
>you jump
>that's the princess' voice!
>it doesn't look like she's found your secret room yet
>but she sounds close
>and she's looking for you
>Celestia is thinking the same thing as you
<"Come on, we can't let her find this place."
"W-wait. U-um... um..."
<"What? Come on, we gotta hurry."
"Th-the princess said if I did one more bad thing like this she'd lock me in the dungeon!"
<"Hey, keep your voice down. She probably didn't mean that. When did she say it?"
"Yesterday."
>Celestia makes a face like she's just bitten into a lemon
<"Ooh."
>and then she thinks really hard for a second
<"Tell you what. I should have more screw-up points saved up than you."
"What's a screw-up point?"
<"It's a... well, you get them by going a while without screwing up. And you lose them by screwing up. You don't wanna run out."
"What happens when you run out?"
<"Dunno. Maybe she does lock you up in the dungeon."
"P-p-p-please don't let her..."
<"Look, let's just say, as far as the princess and Starswirl need to know, that... I let the ghosts out."
"What? B-but you didn't!"
>"I know you're around here somewhere!"
<"I know that. We're just gonna tell the princess that I did so you don't get sent to the dungeon or something."
"Um... but that's not..."
<"Yeah, whatever. Come on, just hold my hoof. We've gotta teleport out of here."

>"There was ectoplasm all over the Hall. And Starswirl made Celestia clean all of it up, while he let me help with some experiment he was doing. I don't quite remember what the experiment was."
"Neither did he."
>"Hm?"
"Uh, nothing."
>Luna smiles
>"Oh, of course. You would have spoken to Starswirl before coming here, wouldn't you have? Really, how is he doing these days?"
"All right, I guess."
>Luna pours herself another cup of tea
>swiftly yet gently, so as not to make a splash, she magically lowers four sugarcubes into the steaming liquid, and follows this up with precisely three seconds of rapid stirring
>finally, she takes a sip
>"Frankly, I'm surprised he still remembers that little incident. I can't see what he'd find so important about it."
>another sugarcube
>"I remember it, of course, because that was when I first began to be afraid of her. Really afraid, I mean."
>you hastily finish chewing the cake you've just stuffed into your mouth
"I don't understand. Something like that made you afraid of your sister?"
>two more sugarcubes
>holy hell, that tea must be syrup by now
>"Not my sister herself so much, I suppose. It might be better to say... I began to fear that she might be better than me."
>a smile
>"But then, I still haven't told you about that bad thing I did."
>just then, she downs everything in her teacup
>and takes a deep breath
>"Now, how about my question?"
"What do I think of her, right?"
>"Mm hm."
"I gotta say, princess, I thought I'd have an answer for you, but that story of yours changes things. I'm right back to not knowing."
>Luna's smile grows light again
>"You're not going to get an answer to your question at this rate."
"I think I've still got some time to mull it over, princess."
>"Oh?"
"I don't think you remember where that secret room was just yet."
>"Hmm... You're right, at that."
>two more cups of tea are poured
>"Here's my proposal. I'll regale you with some more of my old mare's tales until one of us comes up with an answer. Is that acceptable?"
"Acceptable? Sure. Agreeable, even."
>"In that case, let's continue the story where you last left off. My sister and I had just been sent out of Equestria, correct?"
"Uh, yeah."
>"You don't have to look so uncomfortable, Anonymous. It is - quite literally - ancient history, not a fresh wound."
"Sure, sorry."
>Luna drops a pair of sugarcubes into her fresh cup of tea
>for your own cup, you just grab one cube
>enough to make it palatable, but leaving most of the tea flavor intact
>"Now, I understand that my sister left a note before running off. Something about 'going home?'"
"Yeah."
>"As luck would have it, I happen to have a story from our journey to the north that might be of use to you."

>you are Luna
>for three days and three nights, your sister has led you further and further into the north
>well, one really long night followed by a regular day
>it looks like the princess worked something out after all
>you wouldn't say so to your sister, but you're glad she did
>at four hundred miles, you stopped to eat
>now, at a thousand miles, you've stopped to make camp
>someday, ponies will express shock at this claim, telling you that this would have been at least a six week journey for a full-grown stallion
>let alone for a 9 year old filly
>but just now, the most extraordinary thing about your walk so far is how tired it's made you
>the ground is cold and hard, but you fall asleep about as soon as your head touches it
>having had your cutie mark for just three days, you don't yet fully understand its implications
>it will take you some time to realize that tonight you were in Celestia's dream, and not the other way around
>you're watching your sister walk across a hard and ragged plain, much like the one you've fallen asleep in
>overhead is a wide, clear sky, with more stars than you've ever seen before
>it's the most wonderful thing you've ever seen
>there are stars so dazzling as to rival the cold crystal moon which makes the centerpiece of the arrangement
>stars which flare brilliantly as they shoot across the sky and vanish forever
>translucent locks of white light - which you now see are themselves made of many tiny stars - reach across the sky like so much spilled milk
>constellations, once merely a difficult subject of Starswirl's teachings, are now like living things above the world
>it's an enthralling sight, but it can only hold your attention for so long
>eventually, your eyes shifts back to your sister
>she, too, is staring up at the sky
>but, following her gaze, you see she's not looking at any of the pretty sights you'd liked
>her eyes are fixed on a dim point of light in the north
>though it must be a star, it flickers and sputters like a dying candle
>and Celestia is walking toward it
>just walking
>you lie there and watch her walk into the horizon til you wake up
>a bright light penetrates your eyelids, compelling you to roll over and let them flutter open
>when you turn around, Celestia is giving the Sun a hard glare
>the Sun?
"Isn't it... a little early for Sunrise?"
<"I got up early to raise it myself, before the princess' stooges could get to it."
"Oh. Okay."
<"It's my Sun, isn't it? If anypony's going to raise it, it'd better be me."
"Sure."
<"You should do the same with the Moon. It's yours, not hers."
"I-I'll think about it."
>Celestia's mouth curls into a snarl
<"You know what your problem is?"
"P-problem?!"
<"You're too passive. Always following me around like a little puppy dog. Never questioning what that stupid princess does, even when she banishes us for saving her!"
"I'm sorry."
<"Why don't you try thinking for yourself for once?!"
"Okay."
>Celestia huffs
<"We're about a day's walk from the border. But, before we go, there's a... place I want to stop at. It should be around here somewhere."
>you try thinking for yourself for once
<"Well?"
"D-do you want me to say no?"
<"I want you to say yes."
"Okay."
>she sighs
<"Never mind. Just... wait here."
>with that, Celestia soars into the sky
>higher and higher she climbs, turning all the way, as if looking for something
>when she returns to earth, she's blinking hard
>and she points to the west
<"It's this way. Come on, it won't take us long."
>it isn't long before a little village peeks into view over the horizon
>pretty soon you even find a narrow dirt road leading to it
>the road is broken near the village where it crosses over a small gorge and becomes a rotting rope-bridge
>naturally, you opt to fly over the gorge
>but Celestia takes the bridge, staring down into the thick foliage below as she slowly makes her way across
>you don't say anything as you wait for her on the other side
>but you do wish she'd hurry up
>you'd like to pass through this creepy ghost town quickly and move on to whatever it was Celestia wanted to see
>finally, she enters the village
<"It's so quiet."
"I don't like it."
<"Me neither. Come on, let's see if we can find out what happened here."
"Huh? Why?"
>she doesn't answer you
>instead she just walks on, like she's in a daze or something
>it's not til she disappears behind a ruined cottage that you realize you haven't been following her
>frantically, you remedy that
>Celestia picks up the pace when she notices one little cobblestone hut in particular
>she pokes her head in past the ruined door
<"It's empty."
"I think the whole town is. Can we go?"
>"We don't get many travellers here in North Star."
>you shriek and take to the skies
>the pony who's snuck up behind you is an old, silver unicorn mare
>well, looking at her more closely, she's not terribly old
>but there's something in the way she carries herself...
<"We're... just passing through."
>"Passing through to where, exactly?"
<"North. We're heading north."
>"Up north is clear out of Equestria. Where are you headed? Crystal Empire?"
<"Farther."
"F-farther?"
>"Nothing up past the Crystal Empire but some old, frozen ruins."
<"I know."
>"Then you girls have got a long ways to go. Can't rightly see why you'd waste time stopping here."
>Celestia goes a bit red in the face
<"Well... ma'am... you see..."
>you land on the ground next to your sister
>is... is this actually the place she wanted to see before leaving Equestria?
<"M-my sister and I... we were born here."
>"Were you?"
"Were we?"
>"Well... I've lived here my entire life, and I don't remember either one of you. And I never forget a face! Now, if you'll excuse me..."
>the old mare turns to disappear into the village
>Celestia scowls
<"Hey! Wait!"
>"Hrm? What is it?"
>and Celestia spreads her wings out wide
<"Remember many unicorns with wings?"
>"Well I... no, um... Say! You must be those fillies who got sent out of here some nine years ago. Yep, I remember. Now, if you don't mind, I'm very busy."
<"Busy doing what? Everyone is gone!"
>"Noticed that, did you?"
<"What... what happened?!"
>"Weren't you girls living with the princess? Why would you ever come back here?"
"W-we got banished."
<"Luna!"
>"Banished? So young?"
>the old mare's hard eyes grow soft
>and she doesn't look so very old anymore
>"When the horn rot came to North Star, it went hard with us."
<"So everyone...?"
>"Not everyone died, if that's what you're asking. Lots of folks did, of course, but plenty got out of town before they could get sick."
>Celestia nods
<"Um, do you know what happened to our family?"
>the old mare inhales
>"Well, young lady, I... can't rightly say I remember who your ponies were. You don't... happen to remember their names, do you?"
>Celestia frowns hard in thought for a moment
>but quickly gives it up
<"I was really little when they sent me away. I guess they were just Mother and Father to me."
>"Not... Mommy and Daddy?"
<"No. I don't remember much, but I do remember that my mother was the meanest mare I ever knew."
"Meaner than the princess?"
<"Easily."
>"Well, miss, if you don't remember your folks' names, then they sure might have gotten out of town."
<"Right."
>"And I'm sure that... wherever your mother is, she's real sorry for sending you away like that."
<"Look, you said you're very busy. I'd hate to keep you from... whatever it is that you're doing. We'll be going now."
>"Now hang on, Cel- miss. What exactly did you come home for if not to see your folks?"
<"Had a weird dream. It doesn't matter."
>something Celestia said gets your interest
>what was it?
>dream?
>dream!
"I had a weird dream, too. The North Star looked like it was about to go out."
<"What?!"
>the old mare nods
>"Well then, I suppose some dreams do come true. I'm leaving this place soon. The husband and child already went down south. Our little filly, our little Sparkling Velvet, she's real good with magic; the horn rot would have gone real hard with her."
>she taps on her horn
>"But, now that my horn rot's cleared up, I reckon I can go ahead and join them. Once I'm gone, I guess the North Star really will go out."
"You were sick?"
>"I sure was. But at some point over that long night we just had, my horn just up and cleared up, like it never had the rot at all. Life's strange like that."
<"Uh huh. Look, ma'am, we have a long way to go, so-"
>"You sure do, you sure do. Listen, girls, before you go, I think you should know..."
>the silver mare lets her sentence trail off
>Celestia doesn't prod her to finish it
"Um, what should we know?"
>"Well, I'm... I'm actually getting ready to leave town right now. I was just about to grab my things and hit the road. I just thought I should tell you..."
"Hm?"
>"Oh, I just figure you could spare yourselves a long trip by staying here in North Star. I doubt if anypony'll find you here, and I sure won't tell the princess on you. But I don't know, it's up to you."

>Luna frowns silently into the space above your head for a while
>you cough
"So, um, did you?"
>"Oh, goodness me, I'm sorry. I simply forgot where I was. Did I... did I what, Anonymous?"
"Did you and Celestia end up staying in that village?"
>"Oh, no, no. That old mare insisted on making some breakfast for us before we left, but when Celestia saw how little she had for her journey south, we ended up making breakfast for her from our own supplies."
>her tea stopped steaming some minutes ago
>but that doesn't stop her from trying to stir three more sugarcubes into it
>"And after that, we parted ways, never to meet again. Her to her home in the south, and us to our exile in the north."
"And the North Star went out."
>Luna smiles
>"Poetic, Anonymous, but we followed the actual North Star in the sky for a number of days after that. True to her word, Celestia led me far, far into the north. Almost to the edge of the continent."
"And what's up there?"
>"Nothing, now, save only some empty ruins. It was the same when we arrived there. But about two thousand years before that, it had been the homeland of all ponies."
"Hang on. Weren't ponies divided at first?"
>"Oh yes, yes, of course. An astute observation for one whose education in our history began just yesterday. I suppose I should say that there were three ancient homelands far to the north. And Celestia wouldn't stop til we had reached the farthest one: Unicornium."
>Luna sips her tea
>"Anonymous? What's wrong?"
"Huh?"
>"You look like something has gone wrong."
"Oh, no, uh, sorry. It's just the way you said 'Unicornium.' Made it sound like you were about to start telling a story."
>Luna smiles and shakes her head
>"I'm afraid nothing much of interest happened while we were there. Nothing I could phrase as an interesting story, anyway."
"Oh. How long were you there?"
>"Not long. Just about fifty years or so."
"Fifty years and nothing happened?"
>"Ah, not 'nothing,' so to speak. It was just all so... gradual."
"Eh, just give me a quick rundown. You know, for my notes."
>Luna blinks
>"Have you been taking notes?"
"Actually I, well, haven't. You know what, let me just make a note of that. I'll take this napkin here, and... uh, do you have a pen?"
>she smiles, and her horn glows blue
>the napkin is now embossed with the words "Buy a notebook," with a few gold coins sitting on top of it
>"There's a quaint little gift shop down in the village. I'm sure you can find a notebook with my cutie mark on it on your way back."
"Th-thanks."
>"Now, what happened in Unicornium? I suppose you could say that we began to grow apart."
"Really? Nobody else for miles around, and-"
>"Really."
>a fresh sugarbowl is teleported onto the table for further tea-ruining
>"Seeking to better understand my powers, I became nocturnal. By night I mastered the art of dreams and became intimately familiar with the moon. By day I slept. We hardly saw each other, though I gathered that Celestia spent most of her days applying her sun magic to cloud-making and food-growing."
"Sounds lonely."
>"I suppose it does. I could go months at a time without hearing a single spoken word, not even my own. Though, somehow, I didn't mind. Without Celestia leading me around by my nose all the time, I was really left to my own devices for the first time. I became myself, and I found that I rather liked the cold, the quiet, the still."
"How did your sister like it?"
>"Well, she... I don't know. She rarely speaks of those days, so perhaps she was a bit unhappy. Now, mind you, those fifty years were hardly void of stimulation. Our bodies and minds changed profoundly."
"Sure, that's all a part of growing up."
>"And fifty years of growing up is time for many changes. And at the time, we had no idea just what we were growing up into, so it was a frightening process for both of us. On that subject, we did have some discussions. I must have been around forty when Celestia first claimed we weren't growing old."
"Huh."
>"Hm?"
"It's hard to imagine you as a forty-year old. When you say you're over a thousand years old, I can look at you and that makes sense. But when you talk about being forty, I kind of imagine someone a little..."
>"Older?"
"Yeah, if that makes any sense."
>Luna smiles
>"It doesn't. But really, nothing about our lives has made sense."
>that's when her face lights up like someone stuck a lighbulb over it
>"Speaking of things that don't make sense, would you like to hear about how we returned to Equestria?"
"Sounds good to me."

>you are Luna
>you are sleeping in a bit of cool shade
>or, you were
>a hoof is nudging at your whithers
>it takes you a moment to find some words to speak
"Celestia? What is it?"
<"Something is wrong with the Sun. I need your help."
>cracking open one eye, you immediately percieve that something is indeed very wrong
>your nice bit of shade is leaping this way and that with dizzying speed and unpredictability
>raising your gaze to the sky, you see that the Sun is doing the same
"I see. What happened?"
<"It began darting about like that some ten minutes ago. I can't hold it still. Can you help me?"
"Of course."
<"Thank you. On my count, we shall both reach out to it with our magic and try to hold it still together."
>you stand up and eye your target
<"Three... two... one."
>combining your powers, you grasp at the Sun together
>it struggles fiercely, but at length the thrashing disk comes to a halt
>for all of a few seconds, anyway
>when the Sun breaks free, it sends a painful jolt into your horns and resumes its frantic dance
>rubbing yours, you ponder for a moment
"What a curious phenomenon."
<"It's an intolerable insult, is what it is."
"Come. Surely you don't think that the princess is challenging you after all these years."
<"She fears us. She's no doubt spent these past fifty years amassing the power to do just that: challenge us."
"Is she even still alive at this point? It's been a great many years now, and I can't seem to find her dreams as of late."
>"Alive? Boy is she ever!"
>a voice you've never heard before, not even in your nocturnal dream-excursions, booms out of nowhere
>Celestia is quick to flare her wings and horn in defiance
<"You! Is it you who challenges me?"
>"Challenge you? For what, this old dump? Yech, you can have it."
<"Who are you?!"
>"I think I'll let Platty do the introductions. Hope you don't mind my bringing her along, but I do believe she has something to say to you girls."
>a tired, old mare - easily in her seventies - materializes between you and your sister, landing hard on her rump
>"On second thought, I think I'll leave you three to catch up. I'm sure you have so much to talk about after so long apart. Toodles!"
>a silence falls over the ruins as the Moon races into the sky to join the Sun in its uncanny dance
>Celestia stares at the newcomer, unmoved and unmoving
>if Princess Platinum the Ninth is aware that your sister is now twice the height of a normal mare, she doesn't seem to care
>"What do you want?"
<"I'm waiting for something."
>"You're not likely to get it unless you say what it is. Speak, you foolish child, or turn your gaze elsewhere."
<"I told you. When you realize you need me, send somepony to come and beg."
>the old princess snorts
>"And I suppose you think I need you now. In point of fact, I don't, and I'll do no such thing."
<"Then you'd like to stay here in the barren north with us? Or maybe you'd like to make the long journey south on your own. Or perhaps, princess, you think you can defeat the monster that brought you here without my power."
>"The creature who brought me here is a thousand times more powerful than you are. You couldn't stop him if you wanted to."
>and the princess gestures at the heavens, now rapidly and randomly alternating between day and night
>"He's making a fool of you even now. What, for all your power, do you suppose you can do that I cannot?"
<"I can do many things to you, if you'd like!"
>"You're free to do so. Now that all is lost, I neither fear nor want. Good day, child."
>the old princess wobbles her way over toward
>"Luna. I always liked you the better."
"The injustice you dealt to my sister was dealt to me also. Do not think that with sly talk you may goad me into changing her mind. My sister's terms are clear and still stand. You must apologize before any assistance shall be forthcoming from us."
>the princess blinks
>then snarls
>"Are you two stupid children deaf? All. Is. Lost. I was brought to you, against my will, by a monster who wished to insult me. With or without your aid, I am finished, thus I did not come to you seeking your aid."
<"So you really mean to surrender?!"
>a powerful gust of freezing wind blows through the ruins
"Celestia, please. You're angry."
>Celestia scowls, but nods and holds her tongue
>turning to the princess, you explain
"If you really mean to stay here, I must ask that you do not antagonize my sister. Windigoes still haunt this country; you can sometimes see them at night. There is a warm current in the North Sea that makes these parts more livable than the wastes around the Crystal Empire, but if you feed the windigoes too much, we'll have to find someplace else to live."
>the princess blinks
>"Windigoes? Where... what place is this?"
"The seat of your foremothers."
>you point at the old, ruined castle with your horn
"That palace has been un-lived in since your ancestor, Platinum the First, abandoned it many years ago. However, you may find in it adequate shelter from the cold nights, should you choose to join us here in our lonely exile."
>the Moon and the Sun take turns bouncing off the horizon like foals on a bed
>"I think I'll do that."
>and so, head held high, Princess Platinum the Ninth disappears into into the old ruin

>you and your sister return to your normal silence
>but not to your normal solitude
>like foals, you don't leave each other's side
>you find the tree you were lying under earlier
>and you lay there together
>watching the sky
>and not speaking a word
>the heavens are far too frantic for you to know how long you've been there
>but it must be hours
>but at length, a third pony does come to lay at your other side
>you don't look to see who it is
>you know who it is
>"I suppose..."
>but her words trail off
>the Sun drops dramatically from the sky to quickly roll around the horizon for a few seconds before taking to the air once more
>"I suppose you never saw me as anything other than some mean old mare."
>"I wanted, at first, to be... there for you. But everything happened so quickly. The horn rot crisis devoured all the patience I had."
>"Mind you, this is not an excuse. I never made excuses, and I never made apologies. It's too late to start now."
>"In fact, I think I've done very well. Horn rot was only the first of many crises I had to face, and sending you away was only one of many hard decisions I was faced with."
>"The one that bothers me the most, I think, is sending Starswirl and his companions on that last mission, which they never returned from."
>"Yes, I figured you'd want to know about Starswirl. Though after so long, I'm sure you didn't expect to see him again. Just the same."
>"Monsters. Just as soon as the horn rot vanished, the monsters came like a flood. The attacks became monthly, sometimes faster. It was Starswirl's idea to gather up Equestria's heroes to fight off the horde."
>"It was thanks to him, mostly, that I never needed you."
>"But this newest monster, the one who calls himself Discord, who took me here to you, he is beyond the power of any mere pony, even you."
>"I think I understand at last. Somewhere, beyond the circles of this world, somepony really doesn't like me. After years of sending me regular catastrophes, they've finally sent something which cannot be defied. At any rate, I no longer care to defy things. I am too old now, and too sick at heart besides."
>the Sun shoots across the sky in a swift arc, sinking below the horizon before you and rising above it behind you
>it comes to a stop directly above you
>and, for a moment, the sky is absolutely still
<"Then you renounce your throne?"
>the princess scoffs
>"Is that all you have to say to me?"
<"Do you, or do you not, still lay claim to the title of princess of all unicorns?"
>"What matters it? There is no throne. There is no title. There is only Discord."
<"Answer me."
>"Oh, sure. Very well, I do. Why do you care?"
>Celestia stands up, and from where you're lying the Sun sits directly behind her head like some brilliant halo
<"Because I will go to Equestria, to the lair of Discord the mighty beast. I will challenge him. I will shout to his face: I am the mightiest! I am the mare who can make the world tremble! I am supreme!"
>the princess laughs
>"Fifty years later and you're still just an arrogant child. How dramatic! Have you been practicing something like that?"
<"No. It came to me just now."
<"There is, however, one thing I've been rehearsing to say to you, Platinum."
>at last the heavens begin to move again, the Sun and Moon both gently floating down toward the horizon
<"I'm sorry."
>with that, your sister takes wing at incredible speed
>it's not long before she's a rapidly-shrinking form in the sky
>she's headed south
>Platinum looks like a mare who's been struck in the face
>"She's really got me beat, doesn't she?"
"Hm?"
>"She apologized. Before I could."
"I thought you never made apologies."
>"That doesn't mean I never will."
"If you're in the mood to give apologies, I'd certainly like one."
>"No, no, I'm not quite ready yet."
>the Sun begins zig-zag erratically across the sky
>and the Moon follows it, close on its trail
>"But, erm, in the mean time, about your sister..."
"What about her?"
>"I think she needs you now."

>"Of course I followed her. I caught up to her in the wastes around the Crystal Empire, where the air is too cold to fly as high as she was. She fell, and when I found her I had to drag her into the city to recover. By the time Celestia was able to travel, Discord had made himself quite at home in Equestria."
>when Luna pauses, you realize you've been absent-mindedly tossing sugarcubes into your mouth like popcorn
>"You know, Anonymous, you could put those into your tea."
>you drop the cube in your hand back into the bowl
"Uh, well, you know, I don't like my tea overly sweet."
>"Mmmm. I don't know if you've noticed, but I do."
"Oh yeah, I've noticed."
>the princess smiles
>"I suppose you'd say I'm ruining my tea, wouldn't you?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far."
>"It's okay. Celestia would always say so. Of course, she takes her tea with no sugar at all, completely bitter."
>Luna takes another sip of her syrup-tea
"I like a little bit. Anyway..."
>Luna blinks
>"Anyway what?"
"Well, what happened next? You're on your way back, and...?"
>"Oh, there's plenty of songs and stories about that. They're all mostly true. It's a bit of a waste of time to explain to you myself."
>another sugarcube plops into her tea
>"Besides, the Elements of Harmony..."
"The what?"
>Luna looks at you
>"Of course. You don't know."
"Sorry, I'm still-"
>"No, no, it's quite all right. In fact, I'm glad."
>you decide not to press the inquiry any further
>the princess takes a deep breath
>"I suppose a summary of Discord's defeat is in order."
>"When we reached Equestria and found Discord, my sister went immediately on the offensive. All horn, like a wild bull."
"And she saved the day?"
>"Oh no, no. Discord is much too powerful for that. A wild bull charging at a stone wall is a romantic sight. A wild bull who's just charged at a stone wall is piteous. So it was with my sister. I carried her away and we went into hiding."
>"It was old Commander Flurry Wing who found us, and told us of a tool which Starswirl had left behind before he left. The Elements of Harmony."
"Oh, and you saved the day with those."
>"Now you get the idea. Yes, together we wielded the Elements, Discord was turned to stone, and Celestia decided that we'd earned the right to... make a few demands."
>Luna frowns
>"Actually, this part of the story is usually modified a bit in the songs. I'll tell you about our... ah, coronation, if you will, in a bit more detail."

>you are Luna
>a mare opening a door, and expecting it to be very heavy, will push it as hard as she can
>but if she finds that the door is actually rather light, she stumbles through
>falls down on her face
>and is smacked on the rump by the door
>in short, she'll look silly
>so it is with your sister
>with half of the Elements of Harmony in her magical grasp
>with the petrified monster, Discord, looming stonily behind her
>she's just gathered the highest officials of the Hall of the Triarchy in the courtyard
>and, in a great bellowing roar, she's just demanded the right to be the sole ruler of Equestria
>she must have, you reason, been expecting some fierce opposition to this claim
>perhaps, in her own poorly-thought-out way, she was expecting to have to obliterate a pony or two
>for your part, you're horrified
>you're fully expecting to be banished from the realm once again
>what you're not expecting
>and what she's certainly not expecting
>is this
>Prince Blueblood, whom you're told is Princess Platinum's adopted son, is the first to offer a deep bow
>old Commander Flurry Wing shortly follows suit, and bids her daughter do the same
>finally - and, to your imagination it seems, somewhat begrudgingly - Chancellor Sherbert, daughter of the late Tapioca, also acquiesces to Celestia's demand
>the nobles
>the officials
>the generals
>they all follow the example of the former Triarchs
>not a word of objection is spoken
<"U-um..."
>if the hostility of the old princess only sowed bristling, bitter hostility in Celestia's heart in the past
>then this unexpected display humility and gratitude from Equestria has reduced her almost to a penitent
<"I mean, n-not necessarily the sole ruler."
>never before have you seen this side of your sister
>you've seen her rise up furiously in the face of challenges both large and small
>you've seen her grow analytic and detached in the face of tedium
>but never before had you ever dreamed...
>that the alabaster face of your sister might be tinged with pink
<"What I mean is, um, I..."
>the old commander stands up with a gentle smile
<"I would be honored... if you... and all your descendants... would continue to work closely with me. Under your original titles, of course."
>Commander Flurry Wing nods
>"That sounds fine... Princess Celestia."
>the young chancellor stands up and sighs
>"I guess that's acceptable."
>the prince, a sickly, unimposing stallion in his late 30s, stands up, but keeps his head down
>"If... if my mother assents... whenever she's found."
<"Your mother... the princess! Of course! Somepony... somepony dispatch couriers to the north at once! Discord sent her to the ruins of Unicornium!"
>a number of unicorn guards and officials jump at the news, vow to go themselves, and disappear from the crowd
<"In the meanwhile, Prince Blueblood, about your mother..."
>"Wh-what about her?"
>Celestia frowns like one who must choose one out of a thousand things to say
<"Well, no matter what she says, you and your descendants shall always be welcome in my court."
>and as your sister prattles on with the former triarchs, you realize something:
>namely, that you'd like some of this attention for yourself
>after all, you did do at least half the work
>you step up to Celestia's side and subtly cough into your hoof
>and she wheels around to face you
<"And Luna! Of course! I wouldn't be here without you! We... we can be princesses together!"
>you smile
"Naturally. Somepony has to be the reasonable one."

>"Oh, what can I say? We were so young back then, practically little fillies compared to how old we are now. And every little filly wants to be a princess."
>Luna pours herself another cup of tea
>"Anyway, Princess Platinum sent word that she wished to remain in Unicornium, and most of her personal attendants and guards joined her there. She sent that book maybe a... year or so later? Blueblood was somewhat shaken by something in it, though I can't quite remember what..."
"Oh, well, you know, that was a long time ago."
>"Yes, indeed it was."
>Luna's eyes widen
>"I've got it!"
"Huh?"
>"Our secret room. I remember where it is now."
"Oh, nice. Where is it?"
>but the princess' smile grows coy
>"Ah, I believe you owe me something first."
"Oh right. My opinion."
>"Mmmhm~"
>geez, she loves watching you squirm
"Well, to be honest, your sister's a little hard to pin down. I mean, the first thing Princess Twilight told me was that Celestia was all kind and wise and whatnot. And looking at her photo, I could believe that."
"But to actually hear these stories about her, she seems kind of... I dunno."
>Luna leans forward
"I mean, no offense, but I've been wondering if she's just selfish, arrogant, or just mad all the time. But I don't know, maybe everyone's just like that when they're kids."
"After all, the way that last story ends makes me wonder if that was the beginning of that nice gentle Princess Celestia that Princess Twilight knew about a thousand years later."
>you scratch your head
"Maybe I should hear some more about her before making a judgment like that."
>Luna's smile falters
>"Well... maybe later. How she seems so far is fine for now."
"All right. Uh, don't vaporize me for this, but I guess she seems kind of... resentful? Maybe that's why she just up and disappeared without telling anyone."
>Luna's head tilts
"No, no no no no. That's not right. I mean, sure, she seemed to resent that old princess, but anyone would resent being treated like some kind of monster."
>you groan
"All right. Final answer, coming right up. You're gonna think it's boring."
>and, for the first time since you've been here, the dusky princess looks at you with neither a gentle smirk nor a defensive frown
>rather, she's wide-eyed and all-ears with genuine interest
>"I'm sure I won't."
"All right. You asked for it. In my professional opinion, Princess Celestia seems very... normal."
>something like delight flashes across Princess Luna's face
>"You'd look at an ageless being of unimaginable power, whom some ponies have referred to as a "goddess," and call her... normal?"
"Well, I... guess so. Sorry if it's not what you were hoping for."
>"No, no, don't be. It's the most interesting thing I've heard in a long time."
>her coy little grin returns to her lips
>"Frankly, I think it's the surest sign there is that you're the right detective for the job. Even if you are a fake."
>uh...
"Uh..."
>"Uh?"
"F-fake? What... what gave you that idea?"
>"Oh, please. A detective who's come even this far without writing a single thing down? I was born centuries before detectives would even exist, and even I don't buy that."
"I've got a... very good memory."
>"What did you have for breakfast yesterday?"
>uh...
"Uh..."
>"If what you told me on your arrival here was correct, I believe the answer is: you didn't."
"Did I say that?"
>Luna giggles briefly
>"I'll do you a favor, Anonymous. I'll put the instructions to the secret room on that napkin, right next to the note about buying a notebook."
"Ah, thanks."
>"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Like I said, I think you'll find her anyway. After all, if she of all ponies is your idea of normal, you must have something in common with her."
"Well, Princess..."
>you pocket the napkin and the coins and stand up
"Thanks for everything. Guess I'll check out that room now."
>"Ah, wait, Anonymous. There is... one more event from our early lives I could tell you about."
"Well, I guess I could-"
>but some impulse stops you
"Now, Princess... if you're a little over 1100 now, and you're a little under 60 where we left off, that leaves us somewhat under 40 years before that... thing you didn't want to talk about happens."
>there's no trace of mirth on Luna's face now
>"The bad thing, yes. I take back mocking your memory."
"If that's what you were going to tell me about, forget it. I'm good."
>Luna blinks
>"Are you... are you sure? You'll find out eventually. Even if you dropped the search right now, you'd find out."
"Princess, I..."
>you offer the princess the first smile you've had since waking up in this bizarre horse world
"I'll let you hold on to it for a little while longer."

Chapter Three

>turns out, this old castle place you wanted to check out is in a place called the Everfree Forest
>turns out, this Everfree Forest place is right next to a place called Ponyville
>turns out, Ponyville is right where you woke up just the other day
>stepping off the train to Ponyville, you take a furtive look around
>the coast is clear
>now, if you can just get to the forest without meeting-
>"Anon! You're back!"
>based on the bags under her eyes and the kid clinging to her neck, you'd guess she's in her late 30s, early 40s
>based on her hyper-activity and fondness for bothering complete strangers, you'd guess she's about...
>seven
>uh, what was her name again?
"Oh, hey... Ponka?"
>Ponka scowls
>"Geez, do all Anons have a problem with my name or something?"
"Huh?"
>from nowhere, the pink horse procures a pair of spectacles and a four-cornered scholar's cap
>"Repeat after me. Peen."
"What?"
>"REPEAT AFTER ME!"
"Uh, P-Peen..."
>"Kee."
"Kee..."
>"Pai."
"Pai."
>she smiles
>"Pinkie Pie!"
"Right. You're... Pinkie Pie."
>"And don't you forget it!"
"I sure won't, miss Po. Uh, Pie. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
>"So what brings you back in town?"
"Well, I'm, uh, on a mission for the princess. Very urgent stuff. Definitely gotta go right now."
>"Ooh! Which princess? You mean Twilight! She's, like, my best friend in the whole world! I could tell you SO many embarrasing stories about her from when she was my height! This one time, she-"
"That's nice, I really should get going."
>"What's the mission? Is it a secret mission? Would you have to kill me if you told me? Don't tell me if you'd have to kill me. Actually, tell me anyway, I can't take it anymore!"
"No, it's nothing crazy like that. I've just been looking around for Princess Celestia."
>Pinkie Pie gasps
>"And you think she's HERE, in PONYVILLE?"
"I was just gonna go check out that old castle in the woods."
>"Oh! That's a good spot! There are SO many good hiding places there!"
"That's what I've heard. Now, if you'll just excuse me for a bit..."
>"Got it! Secret mission! Don't wanna hold you up! See you later!"
"Yup. See you around."
>"Oh, wait, before you go! If you don't find her there, come find Pumpkin Cake at Sugarcube Corner! She's back from college in Canterlot for the summer, and she knows EVERYTHING about Princess Celestia and I mean EVERYTHING! Did you know that Princess Celestia likes..."
>while Ponka Po is distracted by her rant, you slip out of the train station
>you identify a wall of trees just outside of town
>and you fucking run

>those woods sure seemed needlessly spooky
>but no matter, you arrived at the castle un-spooked
>honestly, the castle seems needlessly spooky too
"So this is where it all happened, huh?"
>"So this is where it all happened, huh?"
>the voice, a perfect mimic of your own, comes from the woods somewhere behind you
>nope
>nope nope nope nope nope
>you nope your way inside of the castle at top speed, slamming the rotting - yet still heavy - door shut behind you
"Holy BALLS this place is spooky."
>at any rate, it doesn't seem like anything followed you in
>you sigh
>you did manage to pick up a notebook on your way out of Cimmeria
>it's nice and pocket-sized
>and it does indeed have Princess Luna's cutie mark on it
>you open it up and skim through some of the notes you took
>one of these notes is a copy of the princess' directions to the secret room
>and so, intrepidly - or is it with great trepidation? - you venture into the dim ruins
>just three rights, go straight, keep to the left, up one staircase, two lefts, through the pointed arch, straight to the end of the passage with the portrait of Princess Ruby Ring the First
>uh, hang on, it's kind of dark in here
>is that a 1 or a 7?
>and did Luna's instructions account for that crumbled pillar in your way?
>anyway, it takes a while
>but eventually you do stumble across a portrait of a red-maned unicorn smiling sweetly from the walls
>and Luna did mention that Ruby Ring the First was otherwise known as "Ruby, the Sweet and Innocent"
>one way to find out
>your hand finds a bronze torch on the wall
>and pulls
>the torch slides out easily, and slides back in on its own with an old, rusty ratcheting sound
>an ancient rumbling sound cries out from the wall as mechanisms which have slept for centuries are suddenly put back to work
>a portion of the wall jerks backward, and sluggishly slides off to the right
>the ensuing dust-storm, in addition to sending you into a spastic coughing fit, tells you beyond a doubt that whatever search parties came through here never found this door
>you grin
"Guess I found it."
>"Wow... So this is where the famous ectoplasm incident happened!"
"It sure is."
>wait
>hang on
>just a fucking second here
>something isn't right...
>you execute a rapid about-face
"Who the fuck are you?!"

>a yellow unicorn mare wearing a fanny-pack and a nervous grin looks at you
>"H-hi, you must be- I mean, um, I just happened to be in the area and heard that noise."
"And you just happened to recognize exactly what I was looking for?"
>the pony looks down for a moment
>but looks back up
>"Well, I mean, um, the ectoplasm incident is considered apocryphal, but this passage does seem to fit the description of the entrance to the secret room described in the story."
"You sure use a lot of big words for a stalker."
>she shakes her head vigorously
>"No! I'm... I'm Pumpkin Cake. Um... My friend told me there was somepony looking for Princess Celestia here."
>huh?
>you didn't tell anyone you were coming straight here
>except maybe Princess Luna
>and...
"Oh. You must know that pink pony."
>for perhaps the first time since setting foot in the woods, your guard comes down
>Pumpkin Cake nods
>"Yeah. Pinkie Pie."
>and she frowns
>"But she said it was a secret mission, and she made me pinkie promise not to tell anypony she told me."
"It's fine. It's not that secret."
>"Oh. Okay."
>but the little pony remains despondent
>for fuck's sake
"Tell you what. I'll pinkie promise not to tell Pinka that you said anything to me."
>"Really?"
"Yeah, totally. Come on."
>you hold out your hand, pinkie finger extended
>but the young mare ignores it, and proceeds to flail her hooves around while reciting some kind of esoteric chant
"What the hell are you doing?"
>"I'm doing the pinkie promise. What are you doing?"
"Holding out my pinkie?"
>tentatively, Pumpkin Cake raises a hoof
>"That thing?"
>and she pokes your little finger
>good enough for you
"There. Now we're good. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta investigate that room."
>you turn around and proceed down the dim, hidden passageway
>as you get closer to the end, you begin to make out a simple wooden door
>you also begin to prickle with the sensation of puppy-dog eyes boring into your back
>Pumpkin Cake is hesitating at the threshold of the passageway
>is it just Ponyville ponies who are annoying as all hell?
"You can follow me in if you want, Miss Cake."
>"I do want... I mean, um, thanks!"
>the sound of clipping hooves echoes through the walls behind you
>but you're focused on the door in front of you
>hopefully this bizarre fake job is almost over
>all you need is for Celestia to be behind that door

>so Celestia's not behind the door
>remember that dust that showed no searchers had been through lately?
>well it also showed that nobody had been through lately
>including your missing person
>go figure
"Well, shit."
>you pick out a wall to lean on
>and you slide down onto your ass
"Gotta go back through those spooky old woods now."
>Pumpkin Cake treads in behind you
>"You're not gonna search the rest of the castle?"
"Nah. Princess Twilight said searchers had already been through here. But Princess Luna remembered this secret room and I figured I'd check it out."
>"Princess Luna actually confirmed something about Celestial history? You're so lucky."
"Huh? Does she normally not do that?"
>"Neither one of the princesses do. They just say they don't like to talk about it. And since modern historians are always debating the accuracy of the ancient sources, nothing is known about those days with any certainty."
"Huh. Princess Luna said it was all mostly accurate."
>she scowls
>"How did you get involved in the search anyways? You sound like you only just heard of Princess Celestia last week."
"Two days ago, actually, right when Princess Twilight told me to go look for her. She said it was destiny or something."
>"Destiny? What, because you came from another world?"
"What gave me away?"
>"Pinkie Pie told me you were an Anon. There used to be another Anon living in Ponyville when I was really little, and he always said he was from another world."
>an Anon?
>you allow yourself a smile
"My name's Anon. My species is human. I just happen to have the same name as the other guy."
>"Have you met him yet? He ended up becoming Princess Celestia's foster daughter."
"Do you have any idea how bizarre that statement is to me?"
>"Sorry. Magic is kind of bizarre."
"So I've heard. In any case I haven't met him yet. Guess I'll have to now."
>"Um, if you don't mind me asking, what all have you learned about Celestia so far?"
"Not much. The way it's worked out, I've just been learning about her early life as it happened. I just left off at the part where she became a princess."
>"Oh, you're SO lucky! I wish I could have learned Celestia's life that way, starting at the beginning. AND you'll probably go down in Celestial history books if you find her."
"You sure seem to be quite the history buff for a girl with a cake on her butt."
>"Well, I... I'm majoring in culinary science right now. But I've also been taking classes in Celestial history. I've just always been SO fascinated with her!"
"I've got an idea, Miss Cake."
>"What's that?"
"If I'm going down in the history books, you can go down with me."
>"Huh?"
"Like I said, I don't know too much about Celestia. Why don't you fill me in some? You might end up giving me just the hint I need to crack the case."
>Pumpkin Cake's eyes grow wide
>"S-sure! I've got some books with me. Oh, you haven't even gotten to my favorite part yet!"
>she sets her fanny-pack thing on the floor and lies down on her belly in front of you
>with magic, she pulls out a big book and lays it down open between the two of you
>"Okay, so the Pre-Nightmare Moon Era lasted a bit over forty years; it's my favorite Celestial Period."
"Sounds interesting. One quick question though."
>"Yeah?"
"What's a Nightmare Moon?"
>"Didn't you talk to Princess Luna already?"
"Yeah."
>"Huh. Wonder why she didn't bring it up."
>Pumpkin Cake rummages another book out of her bag and lays it open to a picture of a menacing, black princess pony
>"The Nightmare Moon Incident was the single biggest turning point in Celestial History right up until Celestia's retirement. Princess Luna went crazy-"
>oh
>so that's the bad thing
>"Anon?"
>you blink
"Yeah, yeah, uh, I think I get the idea for now. Let's just pick up at the Pre-Nightmare Moon Era."
>she nods vigorously
>"All right. Check this out."
>Pumpkin Cake gestures at the first book with her snout
"Whoah."
>"I know, right?"
>it's an illustration of Celestia all right
>but it almost doesn't look like the photos from the Newfag's Guide at all
>a massive, golden crown - wrought in the image of a dozen four-foot sunbeams - adorns the ancient monarch's head
>a shining, intricate harness delicately crisscrosses its way across her entire body, legs, and flared-out wings
>a terrible, burning ruby sits within a fine ring that's been slipped over her long horn
>and over it all, a wispy shawl of ivory silk blows carelessly yet elegantly
"Damn swanky."
>"You have no idea. She had every surface of the old Hall covered in gold leaf and renamed it after herself and her sister. Of course, most of the gold's been rubbed off or stolen by now."
>you look around at the dingy stone walls
"Huh."
>"Equestria thrived. Celestia implemented bold social reforms like pressing for mass-literacy and more effective cures for diseases like horn rot. Monster attacks and rebellions, which had plagued the last of the Triarchs, rarely took more than a day for her to put down. Back then, she was just so..."
>the little unicorn sighs wistfully
"But now she's not?"
>"Something changed after the Nightmare Moon Incident."
>she flips the page in the first book
>"That's a period portrait of Pre-Nightmare Moon Luna."
"Whoah."
>"I know."
>the Luna in the picture is short, dark, and gloomy
>beyond a simple black tiara, the only thing she's wearing is a scowl
>Pumpkin Cake reads a line from the second book
>"The jealousy in the young one's heart transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon."
>you look at the picture of the scary black pony in the second book
"But what could she have been so jealous of that she turned into that?"
>"She doesn't say to any modern historians, but tradition says it was because ponies appreciated the day more than the night."
"Huh."
>you flip back a page in the first book
>back to that incredible portrait of Celestia
"Well, what happened with her?"
>"One day she rose the moon and wouldn't let Celestia raise the sun. There was a fight. It only lasted a few minutes, but once it was over, Nightmare Moon was imprisoned on the moon, and Celestia would never use the Elements of Harmony again."
"And, let me guess..."
>you point at the picture of Celestia
"She never wore anything like this again either, did she?"
>Pumpkin Cake shakes her head
"But Luna came back, right?"
>"Sure, sure. As Nightmare Moon. Twilight Sparkle was entrusted with the Elements of Harmony, used them to set Luna's mind straight, and the next three years or so were very interesting. In Celestial history, we call that the Pre-Retirement Period."
"So three years after Luna came back, Celestia made Twilight a princess and gave up the job."
>"Pretty much."
"Know who I can talk to about those three years?"
>Pumpkin Cake frowns
>"Don't you want to hear about the thousand years that happened in-between?"
"I'll get a hold of you if I think I need it, Pumpkin. You've been a big help, really. I've just got a feeling I might find something useful in the years leading up to her retirement."
>"Well, um, you said you'd spoken to Princess Twilight already. Why don't you just ask her?"
"That..."
>you stand up
"...Is a fantastic idea."
>forgetting to so much as say goodbye, you walk off
>but Pumpkin comes running after you
>"W-wait, you shouldn't just go walking through the forest like that, it's not safe!"

>upon emerging from the Everfree Forest with Pumpkin Cake, you're ambushed by Pinko Prr
>"So... how'd it go?"
>you get over your heart attack fairly quickly
"She, uh, wasn't there. But I think I might have learned something useful anyway."
>Pronky scoffs
>"Not that, silly head!"
"Then what?"
>"Pumpkin Cake, what else?"
>Pumpkin Cake groans in eternal agony
"Huh?"
>Proxy leans in conspiratorially
>"She always tells the colts around here that she's got a special somepony in Canterlot. Just between you and me, I think she'll tell you something different."
>Pumpkin Cake stamps her hoof
>"Auntie Pinkie Pie!"
>a shouting match ensues, with Pumpkin Cake saying something to the effect of "it's my life," Ponka Po saying something to the effect of "but your biological clock," and neither one of them listening to the other at all
>you pick out the direction the train station was in
>and you fucking run
>as soon as the next train to Canterlot is safely underway, you take a deep breath
>and pull out your notebook
>you made a sketch of that portrait of Celestia
>though your artistic skills leave something to be desired
>let alone your artistic skills in a poorly-lit ruin
>it gets the point across at least well enough to be used for personal referencing
>looking at the costume, a word almost pops into your head
>it splashes around in the waters just beneath your consciousness
>it hovers at the very tip of your tongue
>but the word just doesn't quite come
>what the hell could it be?

>"We're very sorry Mr. Anon but the princess is at a very important meeting right now."
>the ponytailed secretary pony adjusts the glasses on her nose and looks at you like she wants you to go away now
"Well, I can wait. How long is she gonna be?"
>"We're very sorry Mr. Anon but the princess' schedule is just booked right now. I might be able to get you in for an appointment tomorrow."
"Do you see this fucking seal?"
>she sniffs contemptuously
>"You don't impress me, mister. Get an appointment or get out."
"The princess. Personally. Told me-"
>"Why, if it isn't Anonymous! Back so soon?"
>the newcomer in the room is an old, bearded unicorn in a star-spangled hat and cloak
>the secretary jumps out of her seat
>"Mr. The Bearded, are you off your meds again? I'm gonna have to report this to the princes- ah!"
>a tiny bolt of lightning arcs from Starswirl the Bearded's horn into the secretary's glasses, splitting them in two and sending them to the floor
>"Report that, you vile wench!"
>the angry wizard turns his gaze on you
"H-hey, Starswirl, old buddy. You need some help getting back to your room?"
>he rolls his eyes
>"You may stop treating me like I'm senseless. As this vulgar little trollop has said, I've skipped those horrid medications today. The pain in my hip is dreadful, but a dulled mind is much worse."
"Oh. Neat. Maybe you can help me then. I'm trying to give the princess a progress report, and maybe get a little more information out of her."
>Starswirl shakes his head
>"I'm afraid you really will have to wait til tomorrow. As I understand it, she's engaged in a most serious matter right now."
"Oh, damnit."
>"You must forgive Princess Twilight. She cares very deeply about your mission, and I doubt if there's anypony in the world who loves Celestia as much as that young mare does. All the same, being the princess comes with a rather tight schedule. Won't you stay the night?"
>you sigh
"No. No, probably not. I can try to swing by again tomorrow, but in the meanwhile there's at least one more person I can interview. Might as well not waste time."
>Starswirl smiles
>"I think Luna is right. Princess Twilight chose wisely to put you on this case."
"Huh? You guys are talking about me?"
>"Plenty of ponies are talking about you, Anonymous. Princess Celestia is a well-loved pony."
"No pressure, huh? Well, I'd better get going. I think the next train out west is leaving in about an hour."
>"May I ask who it is you're visiting in the west?"
"This other human I keep hearing about. I'm told he's been living with Princess Celestia."
>Starswirl's grin grows sardonic
>"Oh, yes, naturally. I won't keep you any longer, Anonyymous."
"Yup. See you around."
>no sooner do you exit the castle than a peal of laughter follows you out
>now what the hell has got him so jolly?

>the far western reaches of Equestria are covered in sprawling deserts
>but in the center of these deserts, an oasis blooms, where clear brooks babble beneath groves of exotic fruit trees
>this green island in a waterless sea is called Elysium
>for the past twenty years, it's been the home of Princess Celestia
>as the carriage (horse-drawn, interestingly enough) lets you off at the edge of this enchanted paradise, you can make out a shining marble palace amidst the trees
>the driver (who is also the horse) tips his hat
>"All right, pard. I'm headed back to Appleoosa. Be back in a couple of hours."
"Yup. Thanks for the lift."
>he nods
>"I surely do hope you find that Princess Celestia, mister. There ain't a pony in town who ain't worried sick about her."
>and with that, the cowboy pony wanders back into the desert
>and you make your way into the wall of green
>a few steps past a cluster of mango trees, and you can't even see the desert lying just beyond
>the cawing of tropical birds and the chittering of monkeys fill the air
>great fountains spout water over your head all the way down the path
>it's a nice place to retire, that's for sure
>finally, at the center of the grove, you see the radiant palace in all its glory
>not only is it utterly unlike any architecture you've ever glimpsed on Earth
>it also has nothing in common with the castles you've seen and read about so far in Equestria
>granted, you've only been in Equestria for three days
>but still
>the haunting, wonderful shape of Celestia's marble palace stretches high over the trees to shine like a second sun right here on the ground
>actually, it kind of hurts to look at
>squinting, you give huge door of polished oak a few raps with its own great, golden knocker
>after a few seconds, the door swings inward
>grateful for the blast of cool air, you step inside and shut the door behind you
>a number of apparently-magical brooms, mops, and featherdusters are working their way through the entrance hall at a relaxed pace
>but there's nobody in sight
>you try addressing one of the brooms
"Uh, hey. I heard there's someone named Anon living here. Is there any way I could, you know, talk to him?"
>the broom happily ignores you and goes on sweeping
"I'm talking to a fucking broom. Where did my life go so wrong?"
>a high-pitched voice calls out in annoyance
>"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming. I swear to fuck if this is another fucking reporter-"
>a very small earth pony enters the room
>juvenile, female, what the Newfag's Guide would call a "filly"
>the best word to describe her physical appearance?
>nondescript
>she's stopped at the sight of you to stare with wide, disturbed eyes
>poor kid must not get a lot of visitors out here
>time to break the ice
"Hey, kiddo. You know where I could talk to Mr. Anon?"
>the filly blinks
>then smirks
>then scoffs
>"You must be the newfag. Twiggles give you my book?"

>seated at a cyclopean oak table, the filly claps her hooves twice
>a plate of steaming, ruddy strips comes floating into the dining hall on invisible hands
>"Want some bacon? It's fucking soy bacon, but it's the best you're gonna get around here."
"Uh, no."
>"That's fine, tastes like shit anyway."
>she buries her face in the plate, coming away with a mouthful of soy bacon
>"Yap, tashte lek shih."
>upon swallowing, she shoots you a dirty look
>"Would you sit down, motherfucker? You're making me nervous."
"Yeah, yeah."
>you grab a seat and continue to stare at the little nondescript filly
>"Is there something on my face?"
"No, no, it's not that. It's just, um, I'd heard you were a little more... human."
>"Oh yeah, I was. Miss it like hell, too. Even now, I still catch myself trying to do shit with my fingers."
>she holds up a distinctly fingerless hoof for your inspection
>"And my dick, man. Not to be ironic, but I used to be hung like a horse."
"Mind if I ask what happened?"
>"Sure man, sure. I'd been living in Ponyville for a few years when it happened. Had friends, a house, even a job."
>without warning, she violently dashes the plate of fake bacon off the table
>"That shit is so fucking bad. Anyway, big magical shitstorm blows through town, real fucking big. Next thing you know, I'm two feet tall and my damn fucking dick is gone."
>she claps her hooves, resulting in yet another plate of steaming soy bacon floating into the room
>"I think it was Twilight's fault somehow. Only she was too busy being the princess to take any responsibility for it. So you know what happens?"
"What?"
>"Princess. Fucking. Celestia shows up and invites me to live in her pleasure palace with her. You gotta understand, man, I'm disabled now. I can't reach shelves, I can barely open doors, and I can't go outside without some dipshit mare cooing over how damn fucking cute I am. I need help to get around these days. Help and privacy."
>the filly gestures around the great dining hall
>"As you can see, I get plenty of both here. As for the princess, I think she was bored. Thought it might be interesting to watch me grow up again."
>the fresh plate of soy bacon smashes into a wall
>"But eighteen damn fucking years later and I haven't grown a motherfucking inch. Twilight says I'm probably gonna live forever like this."
>the filly sighs and slumps forward
>"And Celly always says that 'immortality is a bitter tea to drink.'"
"Huh?"
>"Bitter. Tea. Want me to write it down?"
"No, I... actually I think I'll write that down myself. Luna told me that Celestia always liked her tea bitter."
>the filly looks at you like you're retarded
>"It's just a figure of speech, man. I dunno, maybe she does take her tea bitter. We haven't eaten at this table together in a long time."
"Yeah, it's probably nothing. Just thought it was interesting."
>"Hey man, speaking of bitter shit, I know you just got here a couple days ago."
"Yeah?"
>"Got any smokes? Tobacco doesn't exist on this planet."
>you feel for the pack in your pocket
>yep, still there
"Yeah, actually. Trade you for a story."
>"A what?"
"You know, like a little anecdote about you and Celestia. I'm trying to pin down her personality, aggregate little details, stuff like that."
>"Uh, yeah, sure, I think I can do that. Lemme see..."

>you are Anon
>not the newfag Anon, you're the OG Anon
>though, disconcertingly, some ponies have started calling you "Nonny" since the incident happened
>right now, there's just one thing on your mind:
>how the fuck is this pegasus-drawn carriage staying aloft?
>like, shouldn't it be dangling below the guys who are pulling it?
>it doesn't seem like you're going nearly fast enough for this cart thing to be sticking straight out behind them like this
>and don't just say it's magic, motherfucker, that's the laziest shit ever
>fortunately, this break in physics won't be bothering you too much longer
>after a long - and extremely windy - flight, the carriage touches down on a grassy lawn in front of a big castle
>this must be the place
"Yo homes, smell you later."
>and you hop out onto the ground
>what? that cab WAS rare
>anyway, the carriage dudes fly away
>and you head toward the castle
>you open the door
>get the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

"Huh?"
>the filly shakes her head in disgust
>"Fucking newfags."
"So... is that it?"
>"Nah, there's more. Give me that cigarette though, I'm craving it, man."
>you flick a cancer stick across the table
>she catches it in her mouth
>"Hell yeah."
>through the side of her mouth, she makes a clicking noise with her tongue
>a spark appears at the end of the cigarette, and smoke shortly after
>"That spell was supposed to be for lighting candles."
"Hang on, so you're doing all these spells?"
>"Nah, Celly set these up ages ago. I'm just using them."
>she takes a long drag
>"Hey, aren't you gonna have one too?"
>you shake your head
"I haven't really wanted one since I woke up here."
>"That's good. Filthy habit. Disgusting, even."
"Eh, I guess."
>"You should just leave that whole pack here with me."
"Yeah, no."
>"Damnit. Worth a try. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah."

>the real Anon here again
>the door flies open before you even get a chance to knock on it 
<"Anon! You're here!"
>whoah
>someone's overly excited
>poor old bag must not get a lot of visitors out here
>you hope she doesn't have an army of cats in that castle
"Yep. You did invite me, and I can't really maintain a house on my own anymore, so..."
>she nods
<"Yes, when I heard about the accident, I figured we could both benefit by being roommates, so to speak."
>you look up at the massive castle
"I mean, I see how I benefit. But what exactly do I have that helps you?"
>Celestia smiles
<"Truth be told, I'm not very good at retirement. But I understand that you were retired before coming to our world. Perhaps you could show me how to better enjoy my time off."
"Well technically I was just unemployed. I guess that's sort of the same thing though."
<"Oh! Why don't you come inside out of the heat? Breakfast is already waiting for you."
"Sure."
>stepping inside the palace is like stepping inside... well, a palace
<"I hope you'll find my little home adequate."
"Adequate? Princess, it's no exaggeration to say that Elysium is the nicest home on this planet. It's at least adequate."
>a slight stoop in Celestia's neck straightens out as she stands just a little taller
>but there's something a little off about it
"Real quiet in here, though."
>your hoofsteps echo through the empty, marble halls like gunshots in a graveyard
<"Yes, I'm trying to live quietly now."
"Don't you have any, you know, servants or anything running around here?"
<"Oh, no. With my magic, I really don't need the help."
"Well, sure, but..."
<"Not to worry. I've set up a few enchantments you can use to take care of yourself as well."
"That's great, but that's not really the point."
<"What do you mean?"
"I mean, there are some nice things about the idle life, princess, but long-term isolation isn't one of them. It de-humanizes you. I mean, de-ponyizes, I mean, you know what I mean. It'd be good to keep a little company."
<"I do have company."
"You do?"
<"You."
"Oh. Right."
<"And the dining hall is right here. I hope that's enough food for you."
>whoah
"Whoah."
>the huge, oaken table is stacked up high with fruits and pastries
>croissants, waffles
>and pancakes
>just absolute mountains of pancakes
>like, about a dozen plates of them
>all stacked up taller than you are
"Yeah, that should be about good."
>Celestia lets loose a hum of satisfaction
<"You enjoy yourself then. I'll be in my study if you need me."
"Wait, you're not eating with me?"
<"Oh, no. I need to... watch my figure. But you go right ahead. I'm sure we'll enjoy each other's company more later."

>"And, uh, she walked away. The end."
"That's it?"
>"Yep."
"For 18 years?"
>"Well I meant for that story. But, uh, honestly yeah. Pretty much. She never took my advice on hiring a little help, so it's just been me, her, and a whole lot of empty castle ever since."
>the cigarette, already done for somehow, falls from the filly's mouth
>"I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we never spoke to each other again. It's just, uh, she seemed kind of... different from how she was before she retired. Kind of skittish, honestly."
>she cocks her head
>"I should probably explain, I kind of sort of knew the princess beforehand. Not well or anything, but I knew her through Twilight. Back when Twiggles was just some dork living in Ponyville."
>she smiles
>"Good times. Good fucking times. Anyway, Twilight was always sort of close to the princess, so sometimes I'd get to see her around Ponyville. And there was a side to Celestia that you just couldn't see in the newspapers. Real friendly. Kind of silly, almost."
>and she frowns
>"I dunno, maybe she just got a little crazy after a few years out here by herself. Feral. Like a deer. A real deer, not one of the talking ones they've got on this planet. You know what I mean?"
"Unfriendly."
>"Yeah. Yeah, unfriendly. Not, like, rude or mean. Just... I dunno, maybe shy?"
"Geez."
>"Not helpful?"
"No, it's plenty helpful. I just don't know what to make of it."
>"So... it didn't help you."
"I'm sure it will, it's just... how the hell do you figure someone who builds something like this palace, and then turns around and gets 'skittish' around someone an eighth her size?"
>"Can't help you there, pal."
>you stand up
"Anyway, my ride should be here about now. Thanks for the talk."
>"Hey, man, mind if I hitch a ride with you?"
"Back to Canterlot?"
>"Nah, I'll hop off the train at Ponyville. Figure it's about time I moved out of this place."
"Move out?"
>"Yeah, it's pretty clear now that Celestia doesn't really need me around. Anyway, I got friends in Ponyville; they won't let me starve. Might as well hang out with them while I still got them."
>she hops out of her chair
>"Besides, I can tell I've gotten a little weird myself out here."

Chapter Five

>you are Anon
>the original Anon, that is
>pre-accident
>still have your hands and dick
>Ponks McGonks is throwing yet another party
>you think it might be because Twiggles and the gang saved the world again
>but it might be because somebody ate a carrot
>you never can tell with Ponka
>well, Big Mac is on yet another emotional rant about his sister putting herself in danger
>and you're pretty sure that's Princess Celestia over by Twilight
>so it's probably not a carrot party
>ah yeah
>Sunbutt's got a huge butt
>heh heh
"I want Princess Celestia to pee in my mouth."
>Big Mac shuts up and shoots you a bewildered look
"Uh, I meant... uh... look man, I'm drunk off my ass."
>Big Mac nods
>turns around
>and silently vanishes into the crowd
>ugh
>everyone in town's gonna know you said that in about an hour
>and you're not even into that shit
>welp
>there's only one solution for it
"Hey Berry, more cider! Please, for the love of... oh, man."
>a wooden mug is set down in front of you by one smug alcoholic mare
>"You know, if you're into that kinda stuff, we could always-"
"I'm not!"
>you sort of stumble backwards out of the little stool and onto your feet
>without taking the cider, you make your shaky way outside
>just gotta get some fresh air
>there's a big blank spot in your memory right around here
>somehow you find yourself seated on the bench in town square maybe and hour or so later
>maybe it's the brisk autumn wind in the air
>or maybe it's the cold water - no doubt sourced from that fountain over there - stinging your face
>but you feel quite a bit more lucid now
<"Good evening, Mister Anonymous."
>oh, hey
>isn't that Princess Celestia?
"Hey, princess."
>a chilly wind blows a few dry leaves across the square
>the princess shivers slightly, but smiles
<"Would you believe, Anon, that I'm very fond of this sort of weather?"
>you shrug
"Why not?"
<"It seems a bit unfitting for the great Sun Princess, doesn't it?"
"I guess."
<"I can't help it. It reminds me of a simpler time."
"That's fair."
<"You seem very at ease. Most ponies go stiff whenever I walk by."
"Nah, I'm just plastered. Besides, I'm not a pony, am I?"
<"No. I suppose you're not. Anon, I was hoping to ask you a question."
"Sure."
<"What's this strange thing everypony keeps telling me you've said about me? It seems as though everypony in town but me has heard it."
"Strange thing?"
>IfIDieInThisWorld.flac
>somehow you end up on your knees
"Um, uh, well, I-"
>Celestia cuts you off with a dainty giggle
<"If you don't want to tell me, that's all right."
>a deep breath escapes your lips
"Th... thanks."
>she winks
<"I'll just let you hold onto it for now."

>the train comes to a halt in Ponyville
>"Well, guess this is my stop. Anyway, there's not much more to tell. She just went back to the party. Never asked me about it again, not even during all that time we lived together."
>the filly shrugs
>"Anyway, that just sort of came to me just now. Thinking about Ponyville, thinking about Celestia. I'd plain forgotten about it til now. Shit, it still makes me wanna kill myself."
"Yeah man, thanks. That was actually pretty helpful."
>"It was?"
"I think so. I don't know, I've just got a feeling."
>"Well I'm glad man. I hope something I said helps you find Sunbutt safe and sound. But, uh, just so you know..."
>her voice drops to a low hiss
>"If you let that story go down in any history books, I will end your life."
"Roger that."
>"Take it easy man."
>with that, the filly drops to the floor and trots off the train
>you watch her step out onto the platform through your window
>but all at once, a pink blur assails the unfortunate filly
>when the dust settles, you behold her struggling wildly in the constrictive hug of Ponka Po
>it's savage
>savage like a nature documentary
>Pumpkin Cake is out there too
>she catches your eye and waves shyly
>you wave back
>but Pinka Pae, with the rapid instincts of a predator, follows Pumpkin's gaze
>and she spots you
>immediately, your window is filled with a smiling, tapping, pink terror
>you cry out in horror
"Conductor! Conductor we've gotta go right now! Conductor we have a problem!"

>the train arrives safely in Canterlot, apparently free of pink horrors
>you step out into the city
>you don't particularly feel like heading to the castle
>but you don't know your way around town well enough to go anywhere else
>so, there you go
>the same secretary pony from yesterday glares at you from over her taped-up glasses
>"How may I help you, Mister Anonymous?"
"Hey. You said that tomorrow I'd be able to see the princess."
>"Uh huh."
"Well, it's tomorrow."
>"And?"
"I have business. With the princess."
>"Mister Anonymous, if you will remember correctly, what I told you was that you could schedule an appointment for tomorrow."
"Yeah."
>"As far as I recall, you never actually scheduled anything."
>of its own accord, your fist slams down onto the desk
"LISTEN YOU MOTHERFUCKING-"
>a polite cough from behind your shoulder checks your rant
>"I believe I can help you, Anonymous."
>it's Princess Luna
"Oh. Hey, princess."
>Luna smiles gently
>"Excuse me, miss. My friend and I have some very important business with Princess Twilight. If you'd be so good as to tell us where we could find her, we'll be on our way."
>the secretary sniffs
>"Got an appointment?"
>Luna stammers
>"Appointment? Why, I am a princess."
>the secretary pushes her glasses up on her nose
>"Sorry, princess EMERITUS, can't help you."
>thunderclouds gather over Luna's head
>no, literally, those are actual thunderclouds
>but she closes her eyes
>takes a deep breath
>and smiles
>"Well. Thank you anyway."
>Luna wraps one wing around your waist and herds you deeper into the castle
>"Bitch."
"Huh?"
>Luna shakes her head
>"N-nothing. Come with me, Anonymous; my old study is still kept as it was when I lived here. Twilight will probably come visit when she hears I'm here. You can wait with me there, if you'd like."
>you shake your head
"No, that's fine. I don't need to see her that bad."
>"Oh. What did you come here for, then?"
"Not really sure. Guess I just don't know where to go next."
>"Hm. I think what you need, Anonymous, is some time to sort out your thoughts. Tell me, when's the last time you slept in a bed?"
"A bed? Uh..."
>well last night it was the train
>night before that it was also the train
>and the night before that it was in that library
"Three days or so, I guess. Why?"
>"You look exhausted."
"No, I'm-"
>an explosive yawn bursts from your lungs
"... fine."
>"How about this? There's a guest bedroom in the castle with a rather extensive library in it. I don't think Twilight will mind if I let you spend the night there. You can spend a few hours researching if you'd like, and then you can get a proper night's rest. Things should seem clearer in the morning."

>you ended up not spending a few hours researching
>in fact, based on the ornate grandfather clock in the corner of the room, it seems like all you did was spend a lot of hours sleeping
>close to 18, in fact
>welp
>there's a little desk right over there
>you lay down your notebook and the Newfag's Guide on it
>then you turn to the bookshelves
>there's a number of interesting titles
>A History of the Horn Rot Plague, Veteran of the Monster Wars, A Summary of the Inter-Lunar Millenium, The Ascension of Princess Twilight, and...
>you pause
>Notes From an Old Princess
>you grab it, along with the rest, and set it down on the desk
>ah, shit
>where the hell do you even start here?
"Fuck it."
>you flip open all the books to their tables of contents
>like a man in a fever, without rhyme or reason, you pick out whatever sounds interesting, flip to it, and jot something down from it
>unfamiliar terms and topics send you looking for more books to look them up
>which in turn leads to more random flipping
>every so often, you make a mental connection between a note you're taking with a note you've already taken
>as you go on, it happens more and more often
>a pattern begins to emerge
>a single word claws its way into the forefront of your mind
>an idea is born
"No way..."
>"Ah, Anonymous, you're still here after all."
"Huh?"
>you turn around
>Princess Luna and Starswirl the Bearded have entered the room
>the princess shakes her head
>"My, look at this mess. Did you actually get any sleep last night?"
"Yeah, yeah. Good advice, that. I think I'm on the right track now."
>"What about this night?"
"Huh?"
>you look at the clock in the corner
>holy shitballs that's late
"Well, you know, I was gonna, uh... so what are you doing in Canterlot, anyway? Weren't you meditating or something?"
>Luna and Starswirl share a grin
>"What did I tell you? Isn't he just like her?"
"Who-"
>Starswirl nods
>"In some ways, yes. I certainly remember a tenacious little filly who wouldn't rest til she'd gotten what she'd put her mind to."
>"A good match, wouldn't you say?"
>"Oh, no doubt about it."
>you stand up
"Well I think I'm about done for tonight. If you two just wanna get on out of here..."
>Luna nods
>"Oh, certainly."
>"We wouldn't want to disturb you."
>"Maybe a little bit."
>"A tiny bit."
>eventually, they do leave
>and you slump back down in front of the desk
>you flip through your notes
>the pieces you thought were coming together
>you can't seem to figure how they fit anymore
>you shake your head
"Fuck it."
>and you turn out the light

>all right
>three days in this room with nothing but all these books is too much
>you're going outside
>to do what exactly?
>you're not sure
>you'll
>you'll think of something
>it feels like everything you need to crack this case is already jotted down in your notebook
>now if you could just figure out what ties it all together
>Luna had implied that she's still largely the same person she was a thousand years ago
>could the same be true of Celestia?
>what common thread could possibly connect the raging child Starswirl told you about with the skittish hermit the filly told you about?
>hell, Luna also claimed that you had something in common with Celestia
>but what in the ever-loving fuck could a NEET have in common with an immortal, all-powerful ruler?
>Starswirl used the word "tenacious"
>but that doesn't feel right
>after all, if you were tenacious above all else, you probably wouldn't have been a jobless shut-in
>there's another word
>a better word
>it's the key to unraveling the mystery of Celestia
>it's got to be
>such are your thoughts as you aimlessly stalk down the palace's marble corridors
>such are your thoughts as you walk face-first into a big purple pony princess
>"Anon! There you are. I heard you've been wanting to talk with me."
"Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I, uh, figured it was time for a status update."
>"Sure. How's the search going?"
"Well. I did find out about a secret room in the old castle from Princess Luna. But there wasn't any trace of Celestia there."
>"I see."
"Now, as you know, I've also been trying to get a picture in my head of Celestia as a person. Starswirl and Luna told me what she was like a thousand years ago. I got a hold of that other Anon and he - she? whatever - gave me a summary of what Celestia had been like in her daily life since retiring. And I've just spent the past two days reading to figure out what she was doing in between."
>Twilight nods
>"And what do you think of her?"
>you shake your head
"I don't know. Luna asked me the other day, and I said she seemed 'normal.' And in a way I guess she sort of does seem like a normal person to me."
>"Really?"
"Sort of. I don't know. I don't think it's the best answer I could have given. It's like I'm just missing one more thing to figure this out. Like there's just one more person I need to talk to."
>you shrug
"So I was kind of hoping to ask you about Celestia. After all, you know her pretty well."
>Twilight nods
>"That's a good idea, Anon. You're right. I've known Celestia almost my entire life. I care about her a lot."
>and she frowns
>"But how do I describe somepony like that? It's like... asking me to analyze one of the best things that ever happened to me."
>you shake your head
"Don't analyze. Just tell me. Anything. Actually, just one thing. Yeah. Just one thing."
>"One thing?"
"Yeah. What's your favorite memory with Celestia?"
>Twilight bites her lip
>"That's hard, Anon. There's so many. When I was little, and I'd pass a test. When I was older and I'd learned something on my own. Whenever my friends and I stopped a monster. When I was made an alicorn princess. When she handed me the keys to the kingdom. She'd always come to me. And she'd say..."

<"I'm so proud of you."

>your heart skips a beat
"I think that's it."
>Twilight blinks
>"Huh?"
"Princess Twilight, how far north do the trains go?"
>"Um, as far as Yakyakistan, just a bit north of the Crystal Empire. Why?"
"I think I can work with that. I'll be back in a few days, princess."
>"Where are you going?"
"To meet Princess Celestia."

-Canterlot-

>fortunately, there was a train to Yakyakistan due to take off about twenty minutes from now
>you're already waiting on it
>looking Canterlot Castle, it occurs to you that there's someone else there you could have spoken to
>Prince Blueblood
>according to your reading, he's a distant descendant of the Blueblood from Platinum's story
>you think he's actually Prince Blueblood the Seventh or something
>like all descendants of the old triarchs, Blueblood was raised to regard Celestia as an aunt
>as far as you know, he's still serving in the castle
>having grown up in Celestia's court, it's perfectly likely that he could have some interesting insights into the years leading up to Celestia's meeting Twilight
>on the off-chance you don't find Celestia on this trip, you'll probably speak with him
>but then again
>you're not sure just how well a descendant of Platinum could have known Celestia anyway

-Ponyville-

>a short ways down Canterlot Mountain, you can make out Ponyville
>one thing about Ponyville that really surprised you during your reading?
>apparently Discord is living there now
>as are Twilight's five closest friends, who she apparently considers her equals on the throne
>which, in a way, makes modern Equestria a heptarchy
>these figures would probably have at least as much insight into Celestia's personality as the filly
>however, that pink pony is apparently one of them
>you're not sure you're ready to brave that


-North Star-

>you awaken the next morning, still on the train
>beyond the windows, a gray dawn hangs over a sparse plain
>at this point in the train ride, most of the riders are tourists on their way to the Crystal Empire
>they're sightseers, interested in famous locales
>that's probably why a conductor enters the train car and points out the windows
>out there in the distant plains is a small collection of ruined stone huts
>"And if you'll look to your right, you'll see a little village called North Star. That's where the old princesses were born."
>the sightseers ooh and aah at the heap of indistinct rubble
>North Star is, of course, not your intended destination
>Celestia was once given the choice to take her old birthplace as a home
>she declined the offer

-Crystal Empire-

>during the hour-long overlay at the Crystal Empire, the herds of grinning tourists leave the train
>they're replaced by a small number of bored-looking crystal ponies
>buisinessponies and diplomats, with some affair or other to attend to in Yakyakistan
>as you wait for the train to take off, it occurs to you that you could use this stop to take one more interview
>the Crystal Empire is apparently home to a mare named Cadance
>Cadance's mother, a distant descendant of Commander Flurry Wing, was the last of the pegasus commanders
>but that's because Cadance was the first alicorn to be born in over a thousand years
>between her ancestry and her race, Cadance was given the rank of princess
>Celestia, having first-hand knowledge of the special needs of alicorn foals, took a very active role in Cadance's early life
>Princess Cadance was, in over a thousand years, the closest thing that Princess Celestia ever had to a child of her own
>and that's including Princess Twilight and the filly
>ultimately, you decide not to speak with Cadance
>maybe on the way back, if your theory happens to be wrong
>but it doesn't seem really necessary right now
>however, a bit of reflection on Cadance offers an interesting insight into Celestia's mind, and strengthens your conviction that you're on the right track
>consider this:
>at the time of Celestia's retirement, there were two younger princesses
>the one she raised
>and the one she made
>when it came time for Celestia to choose her successor
>she chose the one she made

-Yakyakistan-

>holy BALLS it's cold
>it's noticeably less harsh than the plains surrounding the Crystal Empire
>but still
>you should have invested in a coat or something before getting on that train
>the first thing you do here is drop the rest of your bits on a yak-hair coat
>it's yak-sized, and the yak whose hair went into that coat insisted that you declare it "best coat" multiple times before allowing you to leave
>all the same, you're much more ready to proceed with your journey now
>now all you've gotta do is...
> walk from here to the northern coast
>shit

-Urheimat-

>this was an unbelievably poorly-thought out plan
>you've taken to travelling by night
>just because it's too cold to sleep at any time other than midday, even wrapped up in the massive yak-coat
>you've gone days without food
>and only precious little water
>it seems as though this last leg of Celestia's ancient journey is more than a little beyond your capacity
>though that's probably got a lot to do with the fact that a pony going this way could just eat the grass
>without warning, your knees buckle beneath you
>and your face hits the ground
>man
>that's just not fair
>the worst part? 
>you can see the ruins from here

>surprisingly, you wake up
>looks like somebody moved you while you were out
>you're wrapped in your yak-hair coat on a large, silken divan
>the divan has been positioned in front of a roraring fireplace
>no wonder you woke up
>it's hot as hell like this
>you cast off the coat and stand up
>the room you're in is a great, ancient hall
>it's crumbling with the passage of time
>but no less grand for that
>the jade floor beneath your feet has been worn a bit rough
>the vaulted dome of lapis lazuli above your head appears to be missing dozens of jewels from the dazzling frescoes embedded in its surface
>the cloth-of-gold banners on the marble walls, waving on a wayward draft, are tattered and frayed at the ends
>between the breeze and the fireplace, it's not actually silent in the ancient hall
>yet those soft, lonely sounds only serve to make it seem all the more quiet
>like the silence of the tomb
>and, if you're not mistaken, that high slab in the center of the hall really is...
>by instinct, your approach is soft and stealthy
>the slab bears a dusty, golden plaque
>and when you brush off the dust, it reads
"Plætinum Regolyn"
>regolyn
>would that be another word for princess?
<"It's Old Ponish. The language had largely died out in my day, but it still had its ceremonial uses."
"It's hard to believe you'd settle down so close to her."
>you turn around
"Princess Celestia."
>if not for her mane, flowing on its invisible wind, you could almost believe her to be an ivory statue, so still does she stand as she considers your words
<"I take it, then, that your coming here was more than mere chance."
>you nod
"Twilight sent me."
<"How did she know?"
"She didn't."
<"Then how did you know?"
"Twilight told me. And Starswirl. And Luna. And Anon. And a history student you probably never met, and a bunch of other historians too."
>you look back at the slab behind you
"And, of course, her too."
>Celestia allows a smile to grace her lips
<"How cryptic. Did you rehearse our meeting?"
"Oh yeah. A lot. I got tons of weird looks on the train."
>the princess visibly relaxes
<"Well. At any rate, you found me. I started a pot of hot soup after dragging you here; how about we continue talking over that?"
"Sure. Sounds-"
>an explosive growl erupts from your stomach
"-good to me."

>the soup was pretty good
>the conversation not so much
>so far, she's just sort of...
>stared at you
>Celestia has evidently had time to set up similar serving-enchantments to the ones you saw at Elysium
>and the dishes float away on invisible hands as soon as you're done with them
>and now
>there's nothing for it but to talk
>now if only you knew what to say
<"So."
"Yeah?"
<"How is it, exactly, that a human being I've never met before not only set out looking for me, but made it almost to my very doorstep?"
>you nod
"Woke up in Ponyville maybe a little more than a week ago, the day after everyone noticed you were gone. Twilight figured it was destiny or something, offered me a lot of money to come find you."
>she frowns
<"Go on."
"So I set about looking for you. Er, sort of."
>you scratch your head
"The note you left, about going home for a while, it wasn't much of a clue to go off of. Twilight must have gotten a whole army looking for you the instant she got that note, because she'd already had all the likely candidates for 'home' searched by the time I met her."
<"Really?"
"Oh yeah. So I started talking to people who know you. Trying to get a hint, you know? I think it was your sister who really put me on the right track though."
<"She knew?"
"No. The lead she gave me ended up being a dead end. But, see, she asked me what I thought of you. And that got me thinking."
>you lean forward
"Princess Celestia, you are fascinating. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized. I was less interested in where you are, and more interested in who you are. And that's what led me here."
>Princess Celestia does not answer you
>a steaming teapot floats onto the table, accompanied by a pair of teacups
>the princess uses her horn to pour herself a cup
>and, without doing anything else to it, takes a sip of the hot, bitter liquid
>finally, she speaks
<"And who am I?"
>this next thing you want to say
>it's one of the many things you rehearsed on the train
>but, you know
>now at the moment of truth
>looking her in the eye
>it's kind of hard to say
>okay
>take a NEET who'd rather trek across an alien world, even risking his life at times, than admit he lied about having a job
>take an immortal alicorn princess who'd rather be missing than retired
>what do they have in common?
"Pride."
>the word comes out in a mumble
>she doesn't hear you
<"Hm?"
>you take a deep breath
"Princess Celestia."
>and you stand up
"You are a proud pony."

>slowly
>the princess nods
<"What is your name?"
>it's not quite what you were expecting to hear
"Anonymous. Just like the other guy."
<"I see."
>slowly
>the princess takes a sip from her tea
>sets her cup down
<"I suppose, Anonymous, that you could say that. That I am proud."
>and she adjusts her gaze
>looks you straight in the eye
<"So tell me. Now that you've found me, what exactly do you intend to do?"
>you blink
>hadn't really thought about that
"I guess, uh, I was hoping you'd come back with me."
<"Back to Canterlot?"
"That sounds right."
>Princess Celestia stands up
>she is by far the tallest pony you've met so far
>the only one whose eye level is above yours, at any rate
<"I wonder, Anonymous, why you should have thought something like that, if you'd figured me a proud pony."
"Huh?"
>the princess' massive wings flare outward
>and the Celestia you see is not the filly's skittish hermit
>nor is she Luna's proud sister
>nor is she Starswirl's angry foal
>she is Platinum's imperious goddess, no longer a young mare
<"Do you think this is a game of hide and seek? That I'd simply concede I'd lost and give up?"
>by instinct, you retreat a step
"G-give up what?"
>the ancient monarch's lip curls down
<"That is none of your business."
>the primieval displeasure of the great sun princess beats down on your mind like a lash
>but somehow
>almost beyond your control
>you feel your eyebrows knit tight
"So what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
>her brow cocks
<"I suggest you forget about all this and go home."
>and, with a sneer
<"I'm sorry if you don't get your ton of money."
"Go home? How long's that other guy been here? More than twenty damn years? I don't think I can go home Lady, I've been on this planet all of a week, and instead of getting settled down somewhere I've spent that whole damn week looking for you. I almost froze my ass out there looking for you. Fuck the money, this is about- this is about... I told motherfucking Twilight Sparkle that I was a detective, but I'm not! I'm a motherfucking... a motherfucking... You know what I did before getting here?"
>you gesture around at the empty palace
"This! Nothing! I'm a motherfucking nothing, but I found you. I found you! Me, and nobody else. I want... I want credit for that. If you won't come with me, I'll... I'll tell the whole damn world exactly where the fuck you are, and all those millions of ponies who motherfucking love you, they'll come find you too. Fuck you!"
>the eyes of the great sun princess smoulder and spark with mounting rage
<"Millions of ponies who love me? I'd been here more than a month before anypony noticed I'd gone."
>the words actually pressurize your throat til you let them loose
"Well, shit, that's your own damn fault. Starswirl... motherfucking Starswirl the Bearded, he's got, he's got hip pains so bad that the meds he's on make him act like he's got motherfucking alzheimers. And you know what the first thing he said to me about you was? He said he hadn't seen you in such a long time. You wanna spend another fifty years up here? He's sure as shit not gonna be around by the time you get back. And-and the look Twilight gets in her eye when she talks about you, and the way Luna still feels so fucking bad about that fight she had with you a thousand years ago, and the random people who would walk up to me and tell me about how motherfucking much they hoped you were okay, and- and- I'm sending every single damn fucking one of them up here to see you whether you like it or motherfucking not!"
>it feels like you're rambling
>but Princess Celestia seems to comprehend every word
>her gaze turns dangerous
<"I can keep you from leaving."
>you smack Celestia's damn fucking teapot off the damn fucking table
"Fine. I've been told I make a really shitty roommate."
>the sun princess snarls
<"Then go! You think this is the only place I can go to live in peace? I know hundreds of spots like this. There will be no sign I was ever here by the time you reach Canterlot!"
"Well that's fine! Because before I get to Canterlot I'm gonna go to your shitty forest castle and take a big piss all over your secret room!"
<"Get out!"
"I'm gone, bitch!"
>you head over to the divan by the fireplace
>throw on your giant yak coat
>stick the end of one of your cigarettes into the tall flames
>and stride out the great double doors at the end of the hall with it

>once again, making this trek on foot is a really bad idea
>but you kind of already said you were leaving
>shit
>a long drag from the cigarette does nothing to soothe your nerves
>now fucking what?
>where do you go?
>it's only just sunk in today that you're probably never seeing home again
>and Twilight's probably not gonna believe what happened when you tell her
>which means not only do you not get that house and money
>you probably also can't sleep in the castle anymore
>what the hell are you gonna do
>another deep, nicotine-laden breath fails to provide any answers
"Damnit."
>you start walking in the direction you think is south
>fuck it, maybe you can just disappear somewhere too
>grow a beard and spend the rest of your life shagging yaks or something
>you don't know
>you're just heading south
>somewhere overhead, a low moan rattles through the sky
>looking up, you behold what appears to be a ghostly horse prancing frantically across the sky
>Luna said something about some sort of magical wind creature still haunting these parts, didn't she?
>creepy fucking place, you'll be glad to get away from it
>hell, and now it's snowing
>you pick up the pace
<"Anonymous."
>you stop
<"Come inside, I don't much need you freezing to death on my very doorstep."
"I thought you were leaving this shithole."
<"And I thought you said I was the proud one. Come."
>you're lifted off your feet and whisked backward through the air
>shortly, you're set back down on the jade floor of the ancient hall
"Fine. I'm gone when the snow stops though."
<"The snow won't stop until-"
>she sighs
<"Nevermind."
>she sits down on the floor
>outside, the wind howls
>inside, the banners on the wall flutter a bit faster
>and a few flakes of snow find their way in on the wind
>they don't last very long in the fire-heated hall
>most of them vanish before they have a chance to reach your head
"What are you staring at me for?"
<"That thing in your mouth. What is it?"
"This? It's a cigarette. Lets me breathe in smoke."
>Celestia blinks
<"That can't taste very good."
"Tastes terrible. Want one?"
<"I'll try one."
"Here. Just light that end on fire. There. Now just, yeah, that's it."
>Princess Celestia takes her first drag like she's been chain-smoking for decades
>no coughing, no sputtering, not even a funny look on her face
>then she takes her second
<"That does taste terrible. I see the appeal."

>outside, the wind drops to a low rustle
<"I think I was angry with you for noticing."
"Hm?"
<"The last time somepony noticed I was... proud, it was my sister. I didn't get to see her for quite a long time afterwards."
>you nod
"Time before that, you got handed your own kingdom."
>Celestia hums
<"But the first time it happened, I was made to say 'please.'"
"How many times has Starswirl made you relive that?"
<"Too many."
>outside, the wind grows silent
"Sounds like the snow's over."
<"Yes."
"I'll get going then. Unless you think it'll come back."
<"It won't."
"All right. See you."
>with one motion, you thrust open the doors and stride outside
>the snow only lasted a few minutes, and there's not much of it on the ground
>the cold, dry grass rustles loudly beneath your steps
>you're pretending not to hear the rustling steps just behind you
<"Anon. Wait."
"Hm?"
<"What are you going to tell ponies?"
"I dunno. I found you, you're safe, but you're not ready to come back yet."
>you turn around and look at her
"Unless you are now."
>she frowns
<"The first time I was here, I was happy to occupy myself with research and magic practice. Now, I can't quite seem to focus on things like that."
>a small, fluttering shape overhead catches your eye
<"You could say that I'm... bored here."
>the shape is one last snowflake, shining like platinum in the pale sunlight
<"I'm still not sure what to do with retirement, but for now- oh!"
>the lone snowflake lands on Celestia's nose
>her eyes cross as she looks at it
>and she smiles
<"I suppose I'll go home for a while."