>Be Pinkie Pie.
>Be the baker of cakes, the thrower of parties, and the winner of the Thickest Tuft Contest three years running.
>That competition MIGHT have involved a bunch of mares touching each other's chest fluffs, but it's n-not like it was g-gay or anything!
>You like dick.
>Dicks and balls.
>NOT pussy.
>Nope, you want a big ol' monogamous relationship, not a herd.
>Just like dad and mom.
>[spoiler]oh mare oh jeez mom's gonna take a train down to Ponyville and tan your hide, like the time she caught you with that mare's swimsuit magazines back when you were still a teen.[/spoiler]
>You take a moment to shake your head, clearing you of those super duper unhappy thoughts.
>Today is Hearts and Hooves day, and you're about to woo the HECK out of your favourite hoo-man.
>You've got it all figured out!
>You got some chocolates to give him 'cause colts all love chocolate.
>Homemade, of course.
>It just wouldn't mean as much if you went down to the store and bought a silly heart-shaped box, after all!
>...buuuuut, you also made a heart-shaped box for it, too.
>'Cause colts can be kinda air-headed, and you don't want there to be any room for him to misunderstand what you mean when you give him your chocolates.
>You weren't always gonna give him something special for Hearts and Hooves, though.
>You were gonna start wooing Anon weeks and weeks ago, in fact.
>Way back then, you decided that you wanted to make him some special cupcakes.
>Double-chocolate, maple-glazed, and with little swirls of icing on top.
>You called it The Heart-Stopper, 'cause you KNEW Nonny's heart would skip a beat when he saw how thoughtful you were!
>You were in Sugarcube Corner, all by yourself in the kitchen.
>The ingredients were all prepared, and all you had to was make your masterpiece come to life.
>Unfortunately, Gummy knocked over a pan, and Mrs. Cake came in to investigate the noise.
>You were just putting the cupcakes into the oven when Mrs. Cake pulled you aside to talk to you.
>She said, "Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?"
>And you answered, "Making chocolate cupcakes."
>She told you, "But it's 4 o'clock in the morning.  Why in Equestria are you making cupcakes?"
>And so you told her, "Because I've lost control of my love life."
>And so, Mrs. Cake made some coffee, sat you down, and you talked about the sort of life choices you made that lead up to this moment.
>She also reminded you that one of the rules of living with them is NOT doing anything at night that might wake up her foals.
>But to be fair, Mr. Cake is a big silly gossip, and he's one of Nonner's bestest friends.
>The last thing you want is for Mr. Cake to find out what you're doing and tell Anon that Pinkie Pie was doing something silly in the kitchen!
>'Cause a surprise isn't a surprise if Anon knows about it!
>You've been throwing surprise parties for a long time, and you THINK you know how surprises work.
>Anyway, you told Mrs. Cake why you were making cupcakes.
>You told her that you wanted to surprise Anon!
>You told her that you wanted to do something nice for Anon, because it feels really really good when he smiles at you.
>You told her that you really liked it when he smiled, because then YOU smiled, and then he'd start to laugh, and then YOU'D start to laugh.
>And then you'd feel this warm tingly feeling in your belly, and then you would really want to hug him.
>And then you told her how you liked this because you really liked spending time with Banonners, and how pretty his eyes were, and how sometimes you were so busy looking into his eyes that you'd forget what you were talking about.
>And then your hooves would get all clammy and you'd get really nervous.
>You told her that this was really really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY IMPORTA-
>Mrs. Cake started laughing, but it was a happy laugh instead of an "I just heard a really funny joke" laugh.
>She told you to wait a few more weeks for Hearts and Hooves to come up, and then make Anon a proper Hearts and Hooves present instead of just giving him cupcakes out of nowhere.
>You wanted to do it right away, but she told you that colts appreciate it when mares make romantic gestures, and there's no other day more romantic than Hearts and Hooves day.
>Being the wingmare that she is, she gave you her secret recipe for chocolates, and even told you she'd give you a hoof putting the heart-shaped box together.
>And before she sent you back up to bed, she winked at you and said she'd keep it a secret from Mr. Cake.
>You love this mare.
>[spoiler]N-No homo.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]MOM.[/spoiler]

---

>Today's the day.
>Hearts and Hooves.
>Your heart is beating against your ribs like your party cannon, and your tail is twitching like it's trying to tell you something's going to happen.
>You're sweating like you just pulled a 12-hour shift in the kitchen, and your knees feel like they're made of your super special delicious jello.
>Oh, mare.
>Knees weak... Hooves are sweaty...  Legs are heavy...
>[spoiler]You knew that that bowl of dad's spaghetti in your fridge had gone bad, but you ate it anyway.[/spoiler]
>Making sure that the box of chocolates were still properly balanced on your back, you knock on Anon's door.
>There's a silent pause, and then you hear muffled footsteps coming from inside his house
>Oh mare oh jeez maybe it's not too late to run and hide
>You bet you can make it back to the Cake's place faster than your ears can twitch
>Maybe you can hide under your bed for the rest of your life
>Maybe it's fine
>Maybe-
>CREAAAAK
>"Pinkie Pie?"
>[spoiler]Oh Celestia, why did you have to eat all that spaghetti?[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Is this what dying feels like?[/spoiler]
"H-H-Hi, Anon!  B-Banonner!  Nonner-ino!"
>You wave at him and nearly fall over.
"I, uh... I-I-I... Y-You're really fun to b-be around... a-and..."
>You grab the chocolates and hold them out in front of you.
"W-Will you be mine?"
>Anon's beautiful green eyes open up wide, and his mouth forms a cute little 'o' shape.
>A smile slowly creeps up onto his face, and his cheeks turn as pink as your fur.
>Your shoulders relax, and your hooves stop shaking.
>Suddenly, you don't feel so nervous.
"Can I come in?"
>Anon nods and takes a step back.
>You feel your back straighten and your mane become extra-poofy.
>Maybe this is going to be just fine.
>You poof out your chest fluff like the three-year-running winner of the Thickest Chest Tuft you are and put a biiiig smile on your face.
"How do you feel about snuggle forts?"
>[spoiler]Spoiler: everypony likes snuggle forts.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Turns out, Anon wasn't any different.[/spoiler]