>Day 3 Of The Rapening
>You wake up feeling well rested
>A welcome change
>You get the chance to finally clean yourself up
>One amazing shower later
>You find yourself lying on your couch
>What a week so far
>It's not even over yet
>Hell, it just started
>A knock at your door stops your thoughts
>Oh shit yeah, ponies.
>You open the door
>Huh
>"What's up bro?" A white unicorn with purple glasses and blue mane asks
"Um... not much? Who are you?"
>You look around behind her to see one pink horse sitting on a table
>And a line of ponies that looks almost endless from where you're standing
>What the fuck is going on?
>"It's just me, your friendly neighborhood DJ! Name's Vinyl Scratch"
"Anon. What are you doing here? What's that huge line?"
>"That thing? Ah don't sweat it big guy, Pinkie just bein' pinkie yknow?"
"I can't say that I do"
>Vinyl snickers a little
>"I think we're gonna get along just fine"
"Uh yeah sure whatever. Hold on here a sec"
>"Whatever you say broski" she says
>You walk over to the table Pinkie's sitting behind
"What the fuck is this?"
>Pinkie looks at you and smiles
>"Auditions!" Pinkie says with a smile on her face
"For...?"
>"My viewing pleasure!" She smiles even more
"Huh?"
>"Oh come on Anon! You know! A good time in the bedroom! All three of us!" She laughs
>You look at her little table setup
>You walk to the front and see a piece of paper taped onto the front
>"1 Human Stallion Free To Use ;) (Yes in that way, you perv)" in huge text
>"Many mares will enter, only two will remain! (One of them is me of course!)" In small text, and a small pink horse drawing next to it
>You look at the sign
>Then up at all of the horses in line
"W-what the fuck..." 

>"Whaddya think? Pretty cool huh?!" Pinkie asks
"No! Not at ALL! I already gotta reject 6 mares this week, now it's like 6 million instead! You're fucking crazy if you think I'm going to have a threesome with you and another horse!"
>"Ha! Silly Anon! I don't want a threesome! I just wanna watch..." she puts on a smug smile
"That's... that's even worse! GOD! What the fuck!? Can't you just tell them to go home?
>"Nnnnope!" She smiles
"Why not?!"
>"They're already here! Plus, it's my day with you so I get to do whaaateeever I want!"
"Fucking... jesus. Fine. Whatever"
>You rush off back to your house
>"Have funnn!!!" You hear pinkie shout in the distance
>You grumble a few curses before returning to that white unicorn
>"How ya holdin up, stud?" She asks
"Don't call me that."
>"Hey man chillax, I'm just here because it's free" Vinyl laughs
"Then you can leave. Pinkie wants me to fuck one of you"
>You motion to the line of now eager looking ponies
>Gross
>"W-well haha um... heh well, ahem... I bet I can make it worth your time" She winks at you through her glasses
>"Look here hot stuff" Vinyl poofs up some bag with some powder in it
>"Ya ever try ketamine?" She shakes the baggy holding the powder
"No. And where I'm from, druggies usually don't flaunt their  in people's faces"
>"Suit yourself. I just wanted ta know if you'd do me sober or not" she smirks
"I wouldn't do you ever. Nothing personal."
>"Ouch. Hint taken, but if ya ever feel an itch, I'm your gal" Vinyl smiles
>"Oh and, I'm pretty sure a lotta the girls in line won't be as nice as I am, just remember that" she laughs and begins trotting away
>That almost sounds like a threat 

>The next pony walks up
>This one with a red violet looking coat
>She looks tired
>She finally stops in front of you and shifts her eyes before introducing herself
>"Hii. Umm, I'm Cherilee." The horse says
"Anon."
>"Yes. Nice to meet you." Her tired face smiles at you nervously
"So. What do YOU do?"
>"Well, I'm a school teacher. I teach all the little fillies and colts in this town" she smiles again
"That's nice. I guess"
>"Yes..."
>Silence
>Cherilee begins twirling her mane around with her hoof
>You cough
>...
"So uh... you know what this is for I'm assuming?"
>"Mhm" she nods her head, a little anxious
"Cool. Well I'm not interested in fucking horses so-"
>"Oh my-" Cherilee's face going from nervous to flushed and worried
>You tug at your collar
"Well yeah. Pinkie Pie wants me to sex one of you. Thought you knew."
>"W-well maybe later on... I-I don't know you that well! Maybe we could go on a few dates and-"
>You shift your eyes
"Nah I'm good. I don't really want to date horses, let alone bang them"
>"O-Oh..." Her shocked face is replaced by a more somber one
"Yeah. Sorry about that. No hard feelings though, right?"
>"No. None at all" she says quietly
"Uh. Yeaaah. See you around... Cherilee."
>"Uhuh" She says as she turns around
>She trots away with her head low
>God damnit Pinkie
>Some mares don't deserve this shit happening to them
>In one way or another, Pinkie's gonna pay for this 

Many Mares Later
>None were particularly interesting
>One called Roseluck talked your ear off about flowers and botany
>So far, all you know is that horses with plants on their butts have a 50 percent chance of being autistically enthralled with that plant
>And a 50 percent chance that they're some sort of prissy beautician pony
>If you didn't know any better, you'd think the were MEANT to be vague and distant
>Putting that aside, you still see a sea of mares in line to talk to you
>After the first few mares, you were able to see the positives of this situation
>A rare occurence
>You're positive there's at least one pony that'll help you ditch this place after the week's over
>Hell, even one that'd help you dip right now
>You'd run on your own, but Applejack and Fluttershy had some way of chasing you down or keeping you from just flat out escaping
>And you already know Pinkie's crazy as fuck, so you're not sure if you're ready to find out what Pinkie would do if you tried anything
>Plus, that pony would have to be not attracted to you
>One in a billion it seems like
>Either way, it's a little fun finally talking to other... people?
>You get to pretty much drag Pinkie's name everytime you turn them down
>Even better, you get to vent to a thousand ponies you'll probably never talk to again
>Sometimes you even make things up to mess with a few particularly talkative mares
>This one pony called Carrot Top went on and on about carrots, so you told her your family has a history of being deathly allergic to carrots
>You even made up a story about how carrots almost killed your family
>Sure, it wasn't particularly nice, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than letting them wait all day just to get turned down for existing
>Especially since this week doesnt involve them
>At least, it shouldn't. 

>Another thing to add to the "List of things you'll verbally obliterate Pinkie Pie with"
>Later. Right now you just have to survive
>You take a swig from your favorite mug
>However, you notice an oddly familiar pony trotting up to your doorway
>Oh fuck
>This has to be against the rules, right?
"What are YOU doing here? You had your chance you stu-"
>"Miss me, sugarcube?" Applejack says as she sharpens her eyes and brushes the brim of her hat
"No. Not really."
>"Well ah missed you. Aheh hehe eeyup" She blushes
"Yeah, but you already had your chance. Also, shouldnt you be like... farming... or something?"
>"Well ya see, almost passin out doin work let me take the day off. Well, that and all the extra work ah did" she smiles
"Oh. Uh, wait here a sec"
>"Alright. Just dont leave me waitin... again..." she says that last part with a bit of disdain in her voice
>Ignoring her, you make your way back to Pinkie's table
"We got a problem"
>"Pfft! I'll say! All these mares and not a single one has won you over!" Pinkie (probably) jokes
"Not that. Look over there"
>You point at Applejack
>"Ooh Applejack! You like strong gals huh?" Pinkie asks
"Nononono. She shouldn't be here!"
>"Why not? Dont you like her?"
"Fuck. No. SHE already had her day with me, so she shouldnt be able to bother me AT ALL the rest of this week!"
>"Huh? When did anyone say that?" Pinkie snickers
"It's heavily implied."
>"But technically-" Pinkie starts
"Technically fucking nothing! Make a rule that NONE of the other 5 woman horses from hell can talk to me"
>Pinkie sighs, "Fiiine. Just let me know when you find that special somepony!"
"I wont find one, but I will if I do, but I wont, because there is no special somepony for me"
>"Well we won't know until we're done, wont we?" She says as she scribbles small drawings of each of her friends on her poster
>She draws huge red X marks over their likenesses and writes in huge text: NO ELEMENTS ALLOWED! (Except Me!) 

"Cool. Now help me get Applejack out of here"
>"Nnnope" Pinkie laughs
"What the fuck? Why not?"
>"Well who am I to tempt fate? Especially with looooove?" Pinkie dramatically asks
"What exactly do you think you're doing here in the first place?"
>"Helping 2 lucky mares and hopefully YOU feel gooood~" Pinkie answers, emphasizing her intent
"Fuck you. You know that. Fuck. You."
>"Nuh uh! Its gotta be someone else! I'm flattered though" She winks at you
>You clench a fist
>If it were not for the massive amounts of ponies here, you'd have at least attempted to assault pinkie pie
>At least once.
>She's got it coming.
>You exhale and walk back towards your house
>"Heya sugarcube!" Applejack greets once more
>You walk up to Applejack secretively
"Hey uh... sorry about all this. You gotta go"
>"Huh?" The orange mare is dumbfounded
"Turns out um... no other... uh, elements allowed"
>"What in- Who made that rule?!" Applejack stomps one of her hooves on the ground
"Turns out it was always there. Yeah, Pinkie's rules. So uh. Yeah. Cya"
>"B-But I waited-" Applejack starts
"I'm sorry, but those are the rules"
>"Ah horseapples! Yer lucky I haven't kicked yer head clean off those shoulders of yours" she spits
"I'm sorry Applejack, her rules, not mine"
>"Hmm..." she looks you over
>You're putting on the best poker face you've got
>Applejack begins moving closer to you
>Very close
>Too clo-
>Before you can even think, Applejack pulls your head down
>And licks your cheek
"Hey what the fuck?!"
>Applejack smacks her lips a few times
>"You're tellin the truth, aint ya?" She stoically says
"Uh yeah? Please leave, that was... not a good experience"
>"Fine. I'll leave ya to it. Just let Pinkie know i'm gonna have a talk with her after this..." she says as she begins trotting away slowly
"Yeah... hey w-"
>No anon.
>Leave it be.
>This is fine.
>For now
"Sorry about this"
>Yeah... 

>There's still a sizeable line of mares left
>A few dozen at least
>Just gotta hold out for an hour or so
>You got this, Anon
>You start speed-dating at a pace that had never been seen before 
>You lie, tell truths, and keep it all extra juicy
"My penis size? Too big, killed a few with it on occasion"
>Next mare
"Sorry it's too small, not even magic could fix it"
>Next
"I killed a filly once. I'd do it again too. I've also considered killing an adult pony next"
>Next
"I hate ziggers"
>Next
>So on and so forth
>Many mares would get to know the many faces of their town's own bipedal monkey thing
>And those same many found any attraction they had dead in the water
>You look back at the crowd
>And see a familiar orange horse leaving the line along with 4 other familiar looking ponies
>Applejack told them the new rule, huh?
>Anon, you literally cannot stop winning
>You keep up the lies, the jests, the threats, the insults towards pinkies and marekind alike
>And finally you find yourself at the end of the line
>One last pony
>This one...
>Appears to be bipedal? 
>It's also sporting a trench coat and a fedora
>Detective? 

>The creature struggles to walk up to you
>"Howdy pardner! Nice to meet ya!" The thing says in a high pitched voice
"Uh, hi"
>The pony awkwardly extends a hoof toward you
>You grab it and shake it
"Yeahhhh. So are you like a detective? Or something?"
>"Oh uh... yeah! I'm Apple-"
>Before she can finish, her torso thrashes
>"OUCH! Um I'm... Apple-Loo-tie?"
"Nice to meet you"
>Silence
>You hear noises coming from her chest
>"Uh huh yeah! So uh... what here is all this?"
"Pinkie's tryna get me to fuck a horse yadda yadda. The usual, probably."
>"Wait WHAT?!" You hear three voices yell at once
"Yeah. That was my reaction t-"
>Suddenly the pony collapses
>Three small fillies emerge from the fallen trench coat
>"EWWW!" they all scream at once
>"Y'ALL TOLD US IT'D BE COOL!" one says
>"What?! I thought the sign meant we could use him to get our Cutie Marks" another explains
>"You know Scootaloo, the sign also did have a WINKING face on it!" the third mentions
>"Huh. I probably shouldve asked before we waited in line all day" the second one ponders
>"YA THINK!?" The other two shout
>They begin to walk away
>"Ha! Maybe we can get a Cutie Mark for waiting in lines all day" 
>"Scootaloo!" The two yell again 

>You look back at Pinkie
>Both of you are equally confused
>But that was nothing compared to the absolute annoyance Pinkie has brought to you all day
>You charge up to Pinkie
"No special somepony, see?"
>Pinkie giggles
>"Ya think? Reading some of these has me in stitches!"
>She grabs some notecards from a huge pile
>Her face droops a little
>"Some have me... slightly worried"
"What do you mean?"
>Pinkie Pie snickers
>"I'm reading what most of the ponies have to say about you! A-duh!"
"Huh?"
>"Don't you know anything about business anon?! You always have to ask your wonderful customers for their hearty advice, chilling criticisms, and uh... well... not so uncommon insults"
"When did you get these?"
>"Well, I handed out little slips to get feedback from everypony after they talked to you! Lotsa them didnt want to write one! And so I was thinking 'Wow! Anon sure is a heartbre-"
>Oh shit
"What do they say?"
>"Well, I'm not sure what you told them, but WOW! A lot of them really do not like you!"
>Nice
>"A lot of them also told me you REALLY do not like me!"
>Nice
"Anything else?"
>"Well one specifically writes 'He was a charmer, then he opened his mouth!'"
"I thought Ponies weren't supposed to be rude?"
>"It's written as a joke, so it doesnt count!" Pinkie smiles with a squee
>"BUT! There sure are a lot of complaints about you complaining about me!"
"Were they at least written like jokes?"
>Pinkie sighs and looks down
>"Some of them" 

"Ah, so there isn't a problem then"
>"Nonononononono Anon! This is a super huge mega problem!"
"How?"
>"How are WE supposed to feel good when I know you dont like me?! Or Celestia forbid: you dont like the other pony!"
"Your nightmares are becoming truer and truer by the minute"
>Pinkie Pie gasps
>"Is this because I was setting up innocent cute looking ponies up for failiure because you really arent interested in ponies!?!?" She asks
"N- wait yeah. How'd you guess both things right?"
>Pinkie gives you a thousand yard stare
>"I felt it in my bones..."
>Her face perks up again
>"Also because that's what pretty much everypony wrote!"
>Stupid snitch ponies
"Uhhhh... ok and?"
>"And this simply CANNOT, WILL NOT, SHANT NOT BE!" Pinkie dramatically exclaims
"You can't make me like horse poon, nor can you change my mind about you and your friends"
>"Maybe so... BUT, I'll give it a PINKIE PIE TRY before I give up"
"Why?"
>"Pfft! If one pon-er, person! Is unhappy, then I'm unhappy!" She smiles
"You must be very unhappy right about now then" 
>"You have NNNO IDEA!" Pinkie jokingly roars
"Wanna make me really happy?"
>Pinkie looks intently
"Do ya?"
>"Yes!" Pinkie squeaks
"Then take a hint and leave me the fuck alone"
>"But-"
"No buts. I spent all day playing your sick rape by proxy dating game, and I want out" 

>You begin walking back to your house
>"But the 'game' is already over!" Pinkie yells
"Thank fuck and good riddance"
>You walk into your house and slam the door behind you
>"So what now?" Pinkie asks, appearing in front of you
>When did she get inside?
"Huh?"
>"What now?"
"How'd you get in here?"
>"It's rude to answer a question with another question you know!" Pinkie jokingly says
"Yadda yadda it's also rude to break into people's houses baba booey"
>"Baba booey? I like the sound of that!" Pinkie exclaims
"I've had this conversation too many times. Pinkie, please just leave me alone"
>"But-" Pinkie starts
"Look, I don't want to fuck ponies, ok? Just not my thing. I know you just wanna get off and whatnot, but why me? Why do you want ME of all people to fuck a horse?"
>"I've done this with everypony in town! I'm simply taking this opportunity to properly welcome you!" Pinkie explains
"Everyone, huh? And i'm sure it goes smoothly every time"
>Pinkie thinks
>"Well it works most of the time" Pinkie says, hoof on chin
"And when it doesn't?"
>"Oh... well usually it doesnt work because the pony in question just wants to be friends! In that case I throw them a huuuuuge welcoming party instead!" Pinkie elaborates further
"Uh-huh. Is that so?"
>You walk past Pinkie and take a seat on your sofa
"So, Ponies will willingly hook up with a stranger and let you watch, or they'll just get a NORMAL welcoming party?"
>"Mmmmhhmmmm" Pinkie nods
"Then why not do the NORMAL thing first?"
>"Uhh... plot reasons?" Pinkie answers
"What?"
>"Nothing! Shh!" Pinkie jumps at you and puts a hoof over your mouth
>She looks side to side for anyone that may be listening
>"Truth be told, I didn't want to say anything because I thought it'd be rude" Pinkie whispers
>"BUT! I know you're a virgin" She giggles 

"Yeah. And?"
>That hurt
>"Did I hit a nerve? I'm super duper sorry! It's just you know-" Pinkie says as she moves to a much less invasive distance
"No. What is hitting a nerve is how you're STILL insisting I fuck a horse"
>"I'm not insisting anything! I just think maybe you'd be happy to get rid of the old thing" Pinkie giggles
"How'd you know I was a virgin anyway"
>"I didn't" Pinkie smiles
>God damnit
>Outplayed by a damn cotton candy horse
"Whatever. 
>"Hmmm.... Okie Dokie Loki. So no specialpony, right? How about a party? Huh? Huh?" Pinkie asks
"I dont do parties"
>"Awwww c'm- NO Pinkie you got this!" Pinkie looks away then back at you
>She exhales sharply
>"So no special somepony, no party. Got it? Got it! So... would you like a treat? A cake, a pie, a cookie, cotton candy, a churro, a good old fashion Pinkie Pie sweet?!" Pinkie loudly inhales
"Will it be drugged?"
>"No, silly!"
"Is it free?"
>"Hmm... I might have to get back to you on that"
"Is it normally expens-"
>"JUST KIDDING! Of course its free! Anything for a friend" Pinkie runs up to you and gives you a tight hug
>She's really squeezing the life out of you
>With whatever air is left in your lungs, you beg for your life
"Ok... please let me go..."
>Air enters your lungs and Pinkie unhugs you
>You inhale deeply
"If I accept it will you leave me alone?"
>"If it makes you happy, OF COURSE!" Pinkie exclaims
>Well, it's good to know that at least one of them is reasonable
>So far, anyway 

"Fine, I'll take a cake. NO PARTY though, am I clear?"
>"Pffft! Duh! Anything for a friend! But a whole cake? For yourself?"
"I'm a big guy"
>"I dont know... well, if you dont finish it, can I invite some friends to give the rest to?"
>You think for a moment
"Which friends?"
>"You know, Applejack, Twi-"
"No."
>"Sheesh! Aren't you a downer wowner!"
"Same as earlier, no elements, and you dont get to bring friends, at all"
>Pinkie sighs
>"Okie dokie... well maybe we can share if that's the case" Pinkie tries to find light in the darkness
"Sure, after I'm done eating"
>"Alright"
"Yeah"
>You hop off the couch and strike a dramatic pose
"Lead the way cuck horse!"
>"Okay!" Pinkie exclaims, matching your pose
>Pinkie walks toward the door and you follow closely behind her
>Right as Pinkie reaches the door she stops and turns around
>"What's a cuck horse?" She asks
"A nickname?"
>"I like it!" She giggles
"Knew you would. Come on! We got to hurry up before the uh... the flour goes bad?"
>"Agreed! Follow me cuck hyooman!" Pinkie skips out the door and onto the earth outside
>Yes, foolish pony, march! 
>Feed me so I can retreat once again into my fortress and sleep peacefully with a full stomach!
>"Will do!" Pinkie says out loud
>What?
"Who are you talking to?"
>"You, silly!"
"Oh...?"
>Weird
>You start following closely behind Pinkie 
>And you cant help but stare a little 

>The way ponies walk is kinda weird
>Being a biped and all it feels normal to see yourself walk
>But Ponies look like they're doing sick tricks keeping all four feet in sync
>It's intriguing to say the least
>Suddenly you notice Pinkie's walk change
>Her pony hips were definitely NOT swaying that much before
>Right?
>You hear Pinkie stifle a laugh
>What's so funny?
>She stifles another laugh
>And you see her actively bouncing her rump up and down as she walks
>This pony... is weird.
>After several walking changes
>Including rolling around like sonic
>And walking on two feet
>You both made it to Sugarcube Corner
>You follow pinkie up to the door
>She stops and turns around and puts a hoof on your chest
>"What you see today in here might change your life. You will see things you never ever thought were POSSIBLE." Pinkie gets serious
>Weird
"Will I TASTE things I never thought possible? In a good way?"
>"Pfft! Of course silly!" She goes back to normal
>"Just... watch yourself" She looks left and right with suspicion
>"Also, can you not stare at my butt so much? I can hear you, you know"
>Wait what?
"Not only was I not looking at it, but I wasnt even ta- wait how did you- HEAR? With your ears???"
>Pinkie Pie ignores you and opens the door to the palace of sweets
>Whatever man
>"Welcome... to Sugarcube Corner" Pinkie Pie giggles
>You look around for a moment
>And suddenly Pinkie Pie's gone
>Actually, she's standing behind the counter
>"Good Evening Sir! What would you like to order on this amazing day!?" Pinkie asks you
>She has a little baker's hat on
"When'd you get there?"
>"Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about!" She smiles
>Weirdo
"What's on the menu for tonight then?"
>"For you sir, anything" she beams at you
"Lovely... but what does 'anything' consist of?"
>Pinkie takes a deep breath
>Oh no 

>"Ok so there's Piesandcakesandcupcakesandcheesecakeandbrowniesandchocolateandicecreamandpastriesofallsortsandbreadsand-" You cut in
"Look. Just give me a cupcake and I'll be on my way. Sound good?"
>Pinkie nods
>"What'll it be? Vanilla? Chocolate? Banana? Strawberry? Pear?!"
"Hmm... I guess a choccy sounds good right about now"
>"Chocolate coming right up!" Pinkie says
>She turns to her right and starts acting like she's walking down a flight of stairs
>She slowly descends lower and lower behind the counter
>Right as her head falls behind the counter she raises her hat playfully and sinks, hat and all, in one clean motion
"I dont have time for this"
>You start to leer over the counter
"I just wanna get in and ou-"
>She's gone
>What the fuck?
>You stand back up and start looking around
>Where did she go?
>Do you wait here?
>Do other ponies really deal with this shit?
>You look and see a small door leading to the kitchen
>Oh
>That makes a lot of sense
>You lean over the counter to get a little view of what is going on beyond those little saloon doors
>You don't see much, but you see a Pink figure with a chef's hat
>You also hear singing and eggs cracking and things being mixed together
>Cool. Free food
>But you can't help but think she's going to do something to it
>There's gotta be a reason why nobody is ever mad at Pinkie in the end
>Right?
>Maybe its gotta do with those parties, or the sweets
>Only one way to find out 

>You quietly stop leaning over the counter
>And softly step from the counter to the door
>The door really doesn't cover much, so you quickly slide through it silently
>You hear the singing and machine whirring grow greater
>"Ooh I'm bakin a cupcake for Anon! Makin a cupcake for Anon! Gonna make it great! Because this is for Anon!"
>Focused on the food? Good
>You swiftly slide to and lower yourself behind the kitchen counter
>You make sure to sit where Pinkie can't see you at all
>No shadow, no top of head, no legs to be seen
>But it's kinda hard to see the baking process this way
>Hmm...
>"What are we thinking about?" Pinkie asks, now next to you
>You sigh without even needing to turn to your side
"Not sure what I expected to happen, really"
>"Wanna watch? Me bake, I mean." She giggles
"Sure."
>"Alright! Well... you just missed it!" She exclaims
"Well isnt that nice?"
>"Mhm! Turns out, it's actually easier to make a whole dozen choclate cupcakes than it is to make one super huge yummy one" She smiles
"Yeah, but... why exactly would I need a whole dozen for myself?"
>You look towards Pinkie
>Pinkie puts her hoof to her chin
>"Hmm... well, maybe once you try one..." she cracks an ever-growing smile
>"...You'll say 'Oh sweet Celestia these are so good and yummy I want to share them with all of Equestria!' And then you'll make lots of friends and-" 
>You decide to cut in
"What if I dont?"
>Pinkie sighs
>"Well, we agreed to share them if you didn't finish, remember?"
"Right... so uh... what now?"
>"Hm?" Pinkie inquires
"Well yeah, so we just wait for them to bake?"
>"Mhm" Pinkie nods
"Oh... are they-"
>"No Anon, they are not drugged." Pinkie says flatly 

>"You know Anon, you should really learn to trust some-ponies." She tells you
>"Not all of them are after your precious virgin seed!" She jokes
"You say that as if you didn't try to take mine by proxy"
>"You are a silly filly, you know that?" Pinkie says a little irritated
"I still dont get why you wasted both your own and my time doing that, fully knowing I'm not attracted to ponies"
>"I dunno, maybe a super cute one woulda changed your mind?" 
"Not really."
>Pinkie sighs and looks down
>"Well, at least you and Vinyl got along well"
>Pinkie pulls a card from her mane and motions for you to grab it
>You take it from her and read it out loud
"Haven't felt that giddy since my first gig. What a stallion! XOXO - PON3"
>On the little note card you notice some... red lipstick marks?
>Is she autistic?
>You give the card back to Pinkie
"We get along about as well as you and I get along"
>"That's a LOT! I'm sure she'd be flattered to hear that!" Pinkie beams
"You and I dont get along."
>"YOU don't get along with ME. I get along with you juuuust fine" Pinkie puts the card back in her mane
>"Plus, WE get along more than you think! I mean, you took me up on my offer, and here we are talking!" Pinkie exclaims
>You blush a little
>Not a "This is adorable" blush
>No.
>This is a "wait, is this a trap?" blush
"And just like that, I think we're done talking."
>Pinkie Pie droops a little
>An awkward silence follows
>Pinkie Pie sighs
>Then she sighs again
>Then another, even bigger sigh
>"You're such a downer wowner filly frowner!" Pinkie roars
>"IJustWantedYouToHaveAGoodDayAndMingleAndTalkToOthersAndWhenThatDidntWorkIInvitedYouHereToMaybeMingleAtYourOwnPaceButNooooYou-"
>Your face contorts in fear
>A loud ding rings out
>"Ooh! The cupcakes are done!" Pinkie hops up and walks away as happy as she was before
>What the hell 

>You finally stand up and watch as Pinkie takes the treats out of the oven
>A sweet aroma fills the room
>You can't help but feel a little excitement rest on top of your worry
>Free cupcakes 
>And they're fresh too?
>Steal of the century
>But at the cost of one angry Pinkie it seems like
>Pinkie sets the tray full of cupcakes on top of the stove
>"They're really hot" Pinkie turns to warn you
"I know. I'm hungry for sweets, not retarded"
>"Yeah yeah... look..." Pinkie gets serious for a moment
>You focus on Pinkie from your side of the kitchen counter
>"I'm not your enemy, Anon. I don't think anypony is. I just wanted you to get to know other ponies, and maybe even get you with somepony. I stopped forcing anything on you after you talked to just about every mare in Ponyville." Pinkie info dumps
>You just stare at her
>What the hell happened to Pinkie?
>"I know Twi and the others see you as a piece of meat, but I know deep down you're just like any other pony... I might have come on a... tiny bit too strong at first, but know that I meant good by everything I did."
>Is she serious?
"BAHAHAHAHA! LIKE WHEN YOU TRIED TO GET ME TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER HORSE SO YOU COULD GET OFF?"
>You would be so angry if this situation wasn't so unbearably ridiculous
>Pinkie blushes
>"I did that with everypony! Plus you got to actually socialize and meet some new ponies!"
"Yeah, most of which I immediately broke the hearts of"
>"Cadence helps them out eventually, so I wouldnt worry about them so much."
>She is dead serious
"Even that sad teacher? Cherilee?"
>Pinkie Pie suddenly gets this nervous look on her face
>If she had a collar she'd be tugging it right about now
"Whaaaatever"
>You grab a hot cupcake
>They're hot on your hand, but not painfully so
>You bring it up to your mouth and take a bite of hot, rich chocolatey goodness
>You close your eyes as a smile permeates your face
>Suddenly the mood of the room sets in again
>Oh yeah, you're not exactly in a good spot 

>You look down at Pinkie
>When did she get so...
>Sad?
"Im tryna eat. Stop that"
>"Stop what?" Pinkie's drooping face says
"Being sad. Eat a cupcake or something"
>Pinkie sighs
"Seriously man, you're killing the cupcake eating feel that should be goin on right about now"
>Silence
"Look. I'm sorry, ok? Is that what you want to hear?"
>Pinkie's face perks up a little
>"A little" she smiles through some forming tears
>Aw jeez
>This little interaction is starting to warm your cold, dead heart
"Why are you crying?"
>"Well because you know ItWouldJustBeTheWorstIfYouHatedMeBecauseITriedToGetYouToSleepWith-"
"Understood. Well, I dont hate you. In fact, I barely know you."
>Pinkie wipes some tears away
>"Yeah, well, we DID spend the entire day apart" she snickers
"That was all you, Pink horse. Plus, we are kinda making up for lost time here"
>"True" she says, thinking
>You inhale deeply
>It's been a while since you've just talked to someone
>Even moreso when you've actually agreed to it
>Damn, she's good
>But you're better
"Hey! Wait! I guess we're going to end up friends because of your gypsy charms, but I gotta make it clear right out of the gate"
>Pinkie looks at you with a sharp focus
"No more sex stuff. I'm not down to fuck horses, nor will I ever be."
>Pinkie pie exhales sharply
>"If it means we can be friends... OF COURSE!"
>She grabs your hand and shakes your entire body
>How does she keep getting away with this? 

"UhHuHuHhUh"
>You desperately rip your hand out of her hooves of steel
"Yeah. Now let me enjoy these things"
>You motion to the pan full of at least a dozen choclatey cupcakes
>Pinkie scoffs
>"Pfft! Without me?"
>You grab another with your free hand and offer it to her
"I mean, I'd like to have some for myself, too you know"
>You both laugh
>She takes the untouched cupcake from your hand
>"I can always make more, free of charge for my friend!" She tells you
"Yeah... I guess that's true now"
>You take another bite from the once bitten cupcake
>Man, you could get used to this friendship
>Though, you'd need a gym membership if it was going to be like this all of the time
>You spend the rest of your time at sugarcube corner eating cupcakes and talking with pinkie pie
>She tells you about what the girls say about you
>The things they say are... odd, to say the least
>Especially Twilight
>Shivers run down your spine
>She acts normal to everyone but you
>You're almost afraid to find out why
>However, that's a worry that will have to be put aside until another day
>You and Pinkie exchange farewells
>"Want an extra dozen for the trip home?"
"Oh no thanks. I am stuffed. I dont think I could take another bi-"
>Suddenly she places a large box in your hands
>You open it up to look at the goods
>There's a cupcake inside of it
>In frosting it reads "Sorry for trying to make you have sex with ponies" with a sad face directly below the text
>It's a really, really large cupcake 

>"It's on the house, friend!" Pinkie Pie says triumphantly
"Uh, thanks. See you later, Pink"
>"Yes! Until next time! It might be sooner than you think!" Pinkie winks
"Maybe."
>You turn around and start heading home
>The walk was uneventful, but you had the feeling that you were watched
>Lately, that's been the norm, though
>You walk into your home and head for your bed
>You sit the cupcake, still in its box, on your nightstand
>And you fall asleep soundly, similarly to the night before
>The End