Anon Refuses to Shower, written by Anonymous
Voiced by Clipper and 15.ai, April 2021
AI reading - https://youtu.be/b-47LopPBTY

For the original source, search for post 35913971 on desuarchive.

>ANON! Go take a shower NOW, you smell like shit!
"NO!"
>"You smell awful! Not even Moondancer goes this long without bathing, and she never even goes outside!"
"So what? Human anatomy is different than pony anatomy. I don't NEED to shower every day."
>You, Anon, have not showered for... How long was it again?
>"It's been FIVE MONTHS since you last showered, I've been counting, and its disgusting!"
>Oh, right... that long.
>You had a good reason for it, it was scientifically sound and everything. You THOUGHT a certain pony would appreciate that, but unfortunately she's been giving you shit since the first thirty days passed.
>"You NEED to shower, Anon. There's no such thing as an 'dermatological toxic pore purge'!"
"Then how come I heard about it from a doctor, hm?"
>"You read it out of a TABLOID in the waiting room of a DENTIST!"
"And?"
>"Minuette isn't even a doctor yet!"
"That doesn't mean anything. How can you be so ignorant, anyways? The smell is a byprod-"
>Twilight stamps her hooves on the ground in anger
>"Your stench isn't the result of toxins evaporating from your skin, it's from the gaseous emissions caused by your sweat aggravating the bacterial growths that've accumulated on your skin because you REFUSE TO BATHE!"
"I didn't expect a mare of science like yourself would be so resistant to change. Isn't that what science is all about? Evolving standards and change from encountering new evidence?"
>She looks real upset now

>"IT'S PSEUDOSCIENCE! They're fake and unsupported claims written to catch your attention for a few bits! Not even the ponies writing that junk believe what they're saying!"
"Then how come wild animals don't need to bathe? How about that?"
>"They DO bathe, Anon! More frequently than you!"
"Yeah, they bathe when PONIES like Fluttershy FORCE them to bathe! REAL wild animals don't need to bathe."
>"FINE!"
>You feel a warm tingling sensation envelop your body before you begin floating.
>Uh oh.
>"If you want to act like a wild animal so much...!"
>Twilight telekinetically carries you to the front door
>"Then go live with THEM!"
>She throws you into the grass before releasing her magical grasp on your person
>"And DON'T come back until you're ready to act and smell like somepony civilized!"
>With a slam of the doors, you find yourself outside on a cool evening.
>You didn't need her, you're gonna prove her wrong when you come back completely revitalized. That'll show her.
>You make your way to the outskirts of town, heading towards the forest with the few ponies outside scrunching their snouts in disgust as you pass them.

>Be Twilight Sparkle
>You didn't want to do that, but Anon was being ridiculous.
>All that pseudoscience he's been parroting for the past five months has been unbearable.
>He refused to brush his yellowing teeth to "foster healthy blood flow through the gums", which just means moderate gingivitis.
>His ears were completely caked in earwax from his "auditory hair cell nourishment" which gave him an ear infection that lasted for two weeks.
>He'd been itching his crotch for the past two months, citing his "experimental genital vitality enhancement" as the cause when he probably just has athlete's hoof on his junk.
>Not to mention a hoof full of other ludicrous excuses for being absolutely disgusting.
>Spike brings you your dinner of steamed carrots as you think to yourself grumpily
>"Something the matter? Where's Anon?"
"I kicked him out until he finally bathes himself... Was I too harsh?"
>Spike shrugs, "I'm not complaining, he smells worse than those sulfur pits in the dragon lands."
>Spike goes back to his business, leaving you to think over a good book and some tasty dinner. Maybe Fluttershy would know what to do. She deals with "wild animals" on a daily basis.
>Then again, so have you since Anon stopped washing himself.

"There, that'll do it."
>You look proudly at the forest shelter you built with your bare hands.
>Thick branches make up the structural frame of the shelter, fastened securely with only the toughest vines.
>A pile of leaves lie on its branch roof, providing ample shade and insulation.
>Long strips of moss cover the "front door" to your abode, giving you a little privacy and more protection from the elements.
>It takes you a bit of time, but you manage to start a fire just in time for nightfall
>You can feel the warmth radiate into your hands once it starts to get going. Satisfied, you sit down on the cool ground and enjoy yourself.
>A cool gust of wind brushes against your face, you close your eyes and cherish the sounds of leaves rustling and the fire crackling. You didn't need Twilight, or anybody for that matter. You were going to accomplish your goal all by yourself.
>Opening your eyes, you're met with a blast of hot air from the raging inferno in front of you.
>Clamoring backwards in a panic, you evaluate your surroundings.
>Taking a quick glance to your shelter, you realize your shelter is no longer there.
>You may have been exaggerating the structural integrity of your shitty twig shelter, considering that gust of wind toppled it on top of the campfire.
>And you may have used too much moss, noted by the rapidly growing fire.
>You decide to book it deeper into the forest. No way were you catching the blame for this, even if it was your fault.
>Which it wasn't, of course. Didn't the pegasi control the wind? Or is it one of the few natural things that actually naturally occurs here?
>Even so, it's Twilight's fault for kicking you out. If anybody's responsible for that fire, its Twilight Sparkle.

>Be Twilight Sparkle, causer of forest fires.
>You woke up today prepared for Anon to be either asleep at your front door or pounding on it, demanding to be let in.
>However, he hasn't come back, much to your delight and concern.
>It was nice to have a morning without Anon pushing your buttons, especially so during this phase he's been going through, but you felt a nagging thought at your heart.
>What if he got himself hurt? Or killed because you kicked him out? What if he got foalnapped by some diamond dogs or bitten by a snake? What if an ocelot hunted him down?!
"Calm down, Twilight, you're overreacting. He's probably fine. Maybe I should go see Fluttershy, she'll know what to do."
>Making your way to your yellow friend's house, you notice some commotion among the weather ponies assigned to Ponyville
>They were barking orders to each other, some carrying buckets of water towards a smoky haze in the distance, others flying empty ones towards the lake
>Was there a fire? Maybe you could help and get your mind off this smelly business.
>As you get closer to your destination, you hear the chatter of weather ponies increase in volume. Your vision begins to water a little as the smell of charred wood enters your nostrils.
>Better than Anon-stink, at least.
>When you arrive at ground zero, you're a little shocked to say the least.
>The ground was blackened for at least half a mile, trees had their bottom halves charred, pegasi were flying to and fro stifling out the few remaining splotches of flame on the edges of the damage.
>One pegasi in particular was guiding a group of wild animals away from the smoky aftermath
>"Now, now, little critters. Don't worry, you'll all love the sanctuary. It's got a beautiful waterfall, the most lush trees, the greenest grass, cute little beds for you to get all snuggly in! Everything you'll all need while your home gets fixed up. Doesn't that sound nice?"

>Fluttershy was busying herself looking after the animals displaced by the fire before she noticed you.
>"Oh, hello Twilight. Did you hear what happened?"
"Not at all, what happened?"
>"Oh it's just awful! Somepony's campfire got out of control and caused a big fire. I hope it was only an accident, but these animals have nowhere to stay with their home burnt to the ground. I couldn't leave them behind."
>You grimaced internally. There was a 90% chance Anon screwed up building a campsite and ran away after he couldn't fix it himself.
>The other 10% was that Anon set the forest on fire out of spite, which wasn't entirely out of character for him.
"I think I know what happened"
>"Oh dear, what is it, Twilight?"
>You walk with Fluttershy to her cottage as you divulge the details of your spat with Anon last evening
>Once she finishes introducing the animals to their new temporary home, she invites you in for a spot of tea
>"Oh dear, you must have really hurt his feelings." Fluttershy sympathizes as she pours your cup of tea.
"You don't understand, Fluttershy. He's reeked like this for MONTHS, and he's living with me! I couldn't take another day of it!"
>"If it's only a phase like you said, he'll probably grow out of it soon, won't he?"
"That's the thing, Anon doesn't 'grow out' of anything until he gets bored of it, and I think he's getting some sick pleasure out of driving me to my wits end. Remember when he was really into Nightmare Night pranks?"
>Fluttershy gulps at the mention of her least favorite time of the year
>"W-well, you can't blame him for being festive, can you?"
"It was March" you state bluntly.
>"Oh, right..."

>You sigh after taking a sip of tea
"I don't know... Maybe I was harsh, but can you really blame me? I can only take so much of his antics."
>Fluttershy finishes sipping her tea with a quaint hum
>"Maybe you should try seeing things from his perspective?"
"What do you mean?"
>"I mean, he's probably feeling like you don't understand him, or that you're trying to stifle him when he tries new things. Trying to understand him better might help."
"What're you suggesting?"
>Fluttershy hesitates for a moment, then sheepishly continues
>"Maybe try it for yourself? His toxic flush thing."
>Your friend has seemingly gone crazy.
"Are you crazy, Fluttershy? I can't just stop bathing for Celestia knows how long! I'd be ridiculed as much as Anon!"
>"Maybe that's why he's so upset. If they're ridiculing him and you aren't standing up for him, maybe he thinks you aren't his friend."
"But... I... That's ridiculous! I let him live with me free of charge!"
>"Just give it a chance. Maybe he's onto something? Even if you end up not liking it, I'm sure it'd make him feel better."
"Fluttershy!" you whine
>"Twilight..." she says in a critical tone
>A short silence falls between you two before you let out an exasperated groan
"Ugh, fine. I'll give it a chance."
>Fluttershy smiles, "I'm glad, now if you'll excuse me, I have to check on the animals. You're welcome to come with, if you'd like"

>You are Anon, and you are hungry
>Well, you aren't hungry anymore
>When you ran into the forest, you managed to find a cave that seemed comfy enough to spend the night in
>When you entered the cave, however, you were met with a bear
>Now, this would have been terrible luck, but you happened to know this bear.
>It was none other than Harry, Fluttershy's friend with a bad back.
>He recognized you and smiled, before taking a sniff, and smelling the god-awful stench you've been accumulating for over five months.
>Of course, the natural reaction to smelling all those toxins leaving your body is jealousy
>Jealousy that led to Harry chasing you out of his cave with a terrifying roar
>You wandered the forest for a while before stumbling upon Sweet Apple Acres
>So, as any rational man would do, you climbed up a tree, grabbed an apple, ate it, and fell asleep
>After waking up, you ate a few more apples and presently are lying on a thick branch, secluded from the outside by the bushy treetop.
>An hour passed as you dozed in and out of a morning nap before you heard some voices in the distance.
>You couldn't make out what they were saying, but you heard a familiar twang filled with "Ah"s instead of "I"s, "Ain't"s instead of "Am not"s and lots of double negatives.
>"Ah ain't tellin you again Applebloom-"
>"But ahm not a lil foal no more! I can go by mahself, 'specially if cousin Braeburn meets me at the station!"
>"No means no, Applebloom, now c'mon, we gotta clear this part..."
>Applejack sniffs the air a few times, before gagging
>"Phew wee, was that you Applebloom? And you say you aint a foal no more"
>"That weren't me! Swear it!"
>"Yeah, yeah... sure"
>Applejack bucks one of the apple trees near you, causing your head to snap up.
>You hear a rumbling of apples hitting buckets as the two move on to the next tree
>Right next to the tree you were sitting in.
>Uh oh.

>Another whack sees to the apples filling the buckets
>You wrapped your arms around a branch, bracing for impact.
>Soon enough, you hear a crack, with a few apples falling into the buckets right below you.
>You sigh in relief
>"Ya call that a buck? Tell ya what, if you can buck this tree clean of apples in one more blow, Ah'll letcha go to Appleoosa all by yourself."
>Oh no.
>"Ya mean it?! Shoot!"
>Applebloom rears up, readying herself
>With a mighty kick backwards, she slams her hooves into the tree trunk
>One apple falls from the tree
>You sigh another sigh of relief
>"Welp, guess yer still a lil filly after all, ain't'cha?"
>Applebloom huffs grumpily as she picks up one of the buckets, throwing it in the wheelbarrow
>With a swift kick, Applejack finishes off the apple tree.
>Unfortunately, you didn't expect a third kick, and soon reenact a role reversal of Issac Newton's claim to fame.
>"What in Sam Hill?! Anon?"
>Applejack finally notices the apple cores strewn about the ground near the tree's trunk.
>"You've been eatin' mah apples?! I oughta..."
>Applejack's snout scrunches up as her eyes water
>She lets out a disgusted groan before planting her hoof on her nose
>You take the opportunity to book it out of there leaving the two sisters in shock as Applejack dry heaves into one of the empty buckets.

>You are Twilight Sparkle, the smelliest horse in Ponyville
>Probably in Equestria
>It's been 3 weeks and 6 days since you spoke with Fluttershy
>You've been counting every day you've forced yourself to undergo this "cleansing"
>You haven't seen Anon since you kicked him out, but Applejack was very insistent on telling you every encounter she had with him, and he was just as smelly, if not even smellier than he was before.
>It seems Anon had been rotating throughout her orchard every few days, sustaining himself only on her apples.
>It'd driven Applejack insane trying to get him to go away, not because he was eating her apples, but because he was making the apples taste awful just from being around them.
>Although, she hadn't seen him this past week, so he might have moved on to terrorize some other poor farmer.
>Through the last few weeks, you haven't understood the real purpose behind Anon's lack of hygiene. It feels awful and gives you headaches just smelling yourself.
>But you began to understand how he might feel, as ponies would start talking behind your back, scrunching their noses in disgust or chuckling.
>It didn't feel good at all, and kicking Anon out probably didn't help him.
>You promised yourself that you'd go out tomorrow to find him

>Waking up, you sniff the air only to be met with a terrible stench
>You are still Twilight Sparkle, and you have officially not showered for a full month.
>You go through your morning routine, which has been heavily cut down to brushing your greasy mane with a greasy brush before eating breakfast.
>You pine for the day you're able to shower again
>After you find Anon
>You make and eat a quick, small breakfast before making your way to the front door.
>Sighing, you attempt to open the door with your magic
>However, the door swings open on its own, and you're met with the sight of none other than Anon himself.
>"Hey Twilight, Spike make breakfast yet?" he asks as he saunters in past you
>You look at Anon as he walks past.
>His skin looks spectacular
>His ears are completely cleaned
>His teeth... are still yellowed, but his breath was a pleasant minty scent.
>He was even wearing his sharp suit, cleaner than ever before
>It's like the Anon you knew before he started his phase.
>You stuttered trying to ask him what happened before you notice something
>He carried a small plaque under his arm.
>"Hm? Oh, this?" he brandishes the plaque with a goofy smirk.
>You squint your eyes to read its inscription:
WHINNYS WORLD RECORD HOLDER: ANON Y. MOUS - LONGEST DURATION WITHOUT BATHING (SIX MONTHS)
>"Last holder was a measly two weeks. Can you believe that? I read it in that magazine at the dentist's. I said to myself, 'Psh, I could flatten that record', and I did! I wanted it to be a surprise, though, so I had to come up with that pseudoscience mumbo jumbo."
>What
>"I was gonna see if I could get two records, one for not bathing and one for not brushing your teeth, but it turns out the record for not brushing is six years! Can you believe that? Guy died from gum disease, though, so it was posthumous."
>You glared daggers at Anon as he sniffed the air
>"Yeesh Twi, when's the last time you showered? You smell like shit."