From threads No.27544684 and No.27570038 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Obnvp7INUpw >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >You've been tasked with trailing the human to find out if he's a threat >You know better than to underestimate him just because he's male >After all, how many homme fatales have you faced off against? >14 >14 homme fatales >You almost regret throwing the last one into a working printing press during your big fight- >You try not to think about it >You've got a job to do, no time wallowing in memory >Be Anon >You've been hanging out with Lyra, the coolest lesbian in town >Apparently Bon Bon is doing something silly today >You'll have to invite them over for dinner sometime >You make a mean tomato sauce! >Be Anon >Well, this dinner party didn't go as planned >Bonbon accidentally poured the tomato sauce down the sink! >But it's okay, she offered to take you all to a restaurant instead >It's a nice enough place, although there are a lot of mares in fedoras and trenchcoats around >The food is pretty good too >This soup is nice and garlicky, just the way you like it >You'll have to come here more often >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >Target has been neutralized >He won't know what's wrong until it's too late >You'd feel bad at killing such a handsome stallion >Especially one Lyra is getting on with so well >But you buried your emotions long ago >All that matters is that Equestria is safe >Even if your bed is big and empty at night >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >Target has not been neutralized >Anon excused himself and ran off to the colt's room, doubtless to purge his stomach of the poison >You'll have to figure out something else >Every moment he lives is another moment of danger for yourself and Equestria >Be Anon >You REALLY need to pee https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iaR3WO71j4 >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >You fucked up >You knew, as a license apothecary, Anon could legally grow all sorts of dangerous plants >He obviously recognized the taste of garlic, and quickly administered the antidote >Damned sly colt >And now he knew that you knew about his activities >You have only one chance to survive, and more importantly, complete the assignment >While Lyra is asleep, you load up your gear and slip out the back door >You'll get Anon, or he'll get you >That's how it is in this business >Be Anon >You were chopping onions for tomorrow's stew when you notice motion outside >Is that Bonbon creeping around your bushes? >Silly horse, does she want to apologize again even though you've forgiven her? >You flick on the porch light and go out to meet her, onion juice dripping from your knife https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM5UJvnbbuY >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >The next few seconds happen in a flash >Literally, as Anon turns on his porch light, blinding you in your nightvision goggles >You should've known he'd be watching, waiting for you >You catch a glimpse of a knife in his hand as you struggle to remove your goggles and defend yourself at the same time >His strong arms wrap around you and begin to squeeze, displaying the brutish strength of his primate race >Without thinking, you jam your hoof down on where you presume his crotch is >He yelps in pain, letting you fall out of his deadly embrace >A dirty move, but there are no rules in this game >While he sinks to his knees, you wrench the knife from his hand and throw it into the bushes >Sliding your crossbow from its holster, you notch a bolt, aim, and >Be Anon >Your family jewels may never be the same >Fucking strong horse hooves >You shouldn't have grabbed her like that, not when she was already freaked out >You think you're going to puke >Yep https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgAKFjRIelI >Just as you squeeze the trigger, Anon does... something >He opens his mouth and a disgusting-smelling liquid pours out, splashing the ground and your hooves >You fire wildly in shock, the bolt flying uselessly off into the distance >You take a step back, only to notice the thick material of your combat boots dissolving to reveal your tactical socks >Of course he can spit acid >Why not >You decide it's time to make a tactical retreat >Be Anon >You just puked on your little horse friend >She just wanted to apologize >Or steal your underwear, who knows >Either way, you'll have to apologize now >But she doesn't seem to be here >Probably ran off when you started barfing >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >You've failed to neutralize the target >Now he's doubtless contacting his superiors in Humania for backup or extraction >And you'll have to face your own superiors for the same >And... You just realized you forgot your crossbow >Be Anon >While cleaning up your little mess, you discovered a tiny horse-sized crossbow >Bonbon must've dropped it >Can't be too careful after dark >Thou art Princess Luna >Thou dost rarely speaketh this way, save for when thou art infuriated >Thou art most infuriated right now "Knave! Can'st thou not destroy a simple colt?! Now he has surely retreated, we shalt never catch him!" >You are Agent Sweetie Drops >Your teats are in agony right now >You don't think they'll ever be un-twisted >But Princess Luna promised you reinforcement >And you've received it >Be Fleur de Lis >Special Agent for the Princess >Apparently this rookie agent can't perform a simple liquidation >No matter, with your superior femininity, you shall prevail against this pathetic, masculine foe >And maybe get your clit sucked while you're at it >Be Anon >You stopped by Bonbon's house to apologize and return her crossbow, but no one was home >So you headed to the bar >Because fuck it, it's ten in the morning and you don't work today >Now, seated at your favorite stool, nursing a mug of hot cider, you start to wonder where Bonbon even got that crossbow >It sure didn't look like the ones in the local hunting store >It almost looked military, all black and- >"Hey there cutie, can I buy you a drink?" >Be Fleur >Easy as apple pie >You acquired the target, bought him drink after drink, and have now brought him back to your hotel room >You'll have your way with him, and then you'll complete the mission >You see the little slut's tent in his pants >Oh, how you can't wait to take those off >You are Fleur de Lis, the most glamorous assassin in Equestria >You can't feel your legs >Your ass hurts >As does your marehole >And your throat >Your mane, tail, and hooves are all sticky too >Perhaps you'll have to deal with this the old fashioned way >When you try and move, however, Anon's strong arms pull you back into his warm embrace >M-maybe you can deal with him tomorrow >Be Agent Sweetie Drops >You knew Agent Fleur couldn't handle this >She uses her own name as a codename, for Celestia's sake! >She's lucky to be alive, that he didn't find some way of killing her during that quite frankly amazing sex they have >You'll teach her a lesson >The salt packet you pour into Anon's mouth contains enough sodium to kill a manticore >His veins will collapse, and he'll die quietly in his sleep >Tomorrow morning will be a morning Fleur never forgets >You never quite forget the first time you wake up next to a corpse >Your mouth tastes extremely dry and salty, so you must be Anon >Reluctantly abandoning your pony teddy, you head to the kitchenette and pour yourself a glass of water >Maybe you'll make breakfast too, you were never the 'gone by dawn' kind of guy >Be Agent Fleur, the sleepiest, sorest, happiest assassin in the world >You feel slightly colder, more exposed >Has Anon left already? >Wait >Anon! >As quickly as you can, you slide into a sitting position and get off the bed >Your fur feels extremely gross >You'll need a bath later >But first, there's a loose end to tie up >You creep through the suite as quietly as you can in your bloated and abused state >Aha! >You spot that fine piece of ass in the kitchen, working over a sizzling frying pan >He brings an egg out of the pan and slaps it on a piece of toast >Egg sandwiches, which you easily recognize as a staple of carnivore diets everywhere >And then he pulls out a tomato, slices it, and wraps it in lettuce >He places the packet between slices of toast, and places it on another plate >That's your breakfast, you realize >A breakfast of doom >Be Anon >You had to buy eggs from a carnivore specialty store, so you doubt Fleur would like one >You popped down to your apothecary store and grabbed some fresh veggies for her >You're sure she'll appreciate this >You are Agent Sweetie Drops >And apparently Anon is immune to salt >Because why the fuck not >You watched him all goddamn night, waiting for the moment he'd slip away >You just had to see the look on Fleur's face when she realized he wasn't breathing >But of course he didn't die >Of course he's still alive >You watched him get up, shower, go down the street to his goddamn STORE, and- >The store! That's it! >Leaving 'Agent' Fleur to her fate, you rappel down the side of the building and start running down the street >You can salvage this mission yet! >Be Agent Fleur, Equestria's most frightened assassin >This isn't how it was supposed to go at all! >After poisoning your sandwich, Anon looks down at the red fruit of death >He picks up a slice >And eats it >Dammit! He knows his cover is blown and would rather die than come quietly! >You coil back and leap on him like a mighty panther, knocking him flat on his perfect ass >Horselich maneuver! Go! >You reach around and give his stomach a hard jerk, causing him to gag >As a defensive mechanism, he spits a glob of stomach acid as he turns to face you >In that glob is the chewed remains of a tomato! >You place a hoof on his neck and shove him to the floor "Now, you and I are going to have a little talk." >Be Anon >You're currently being pinned to the ground by a very skinny, but apparently very strong horse >You've heard mares have higher sex drives than stallions, but this is a bit much >You're beginning to have your doubt about this, so you must be Fleur >Anon has since removed himself from the floor and sat at the table >He just sits there, calmly his sandwich as you interrogate him >And it's not going well "If tomatoes aren't poisonous to your species... Is salt or garlic?" >"Nope." "So you weren't trying to poison me?" >"Nope." >He just keeps munching on that damn egg sandwich >You know, like all honeypot agents, like all stallions, he's been trained since birth into the perfect liar >But for some reason, you want to believe him >And that belief isn't as relieving as you'd hope >You haven't been harassing and attempting to kill an innocent stallion? >You're the good guys, right? >Right? >Be Agent Sweetie Drops, clinging to the window with your little suction cup hooves >Agent Fleur is compromised >You'll have to report her betrayal posthumously >The scope on Anon's hunting crossbow is calibrated for long distance, but at this range, it gives you a perfect view of his eye >His handsome little grey eye >You have a tasty sandwich, so you must be Anon >Apparently your one night stand thought you were trying to kill her >You put on an indifferent mask, but secretly, you're freaking out >How many times have you sold poisonous ingredients assuming they were for cooking?! >A lot >That's how you pay your rent >Rather than worry about any murders you may be an accessory to, you focus on your delicious sandwich >You got Fleur's tomato slice since she can't eat it >It's no ketchup, but egg and tomato is just as nice >Aw shit >It just slid out onto the floor >You reach down and pick it up, feeling a breeze across your neck as you bend over >You are Fleur, the most morally confused assassin in Equestria >If Anon is innocent, how many other such misunderstandings have taken place? >You long for the good old days when you didn't question anything >That's it, you're returning your license to kill and applying for a desk job >The glamour and excitement is not worth all this guilt >Anon ducks down for a moment, and something fast whizzes by, just missing his head >With a dull thud, it embeds itself in the loveseat just behind him >You whip your head around, getting a glimpse of a pink-and-blue mane as it disappears beneath the window sill >Buck... >You are Agent Sweetie Drops >Targets still active >Fleur has been caught by his masculine wiles, as you knew she would >Damned schoolfilly >You'll send them both to tartarus >You are Fleur, the most terrified former assassin in Equestria >Who knows how long Sweetie Drops was watching? >You, Anon, sitting together, eating breakfast >It didn't paint a good picture >There's no way you'd ever convince her to back down, either >She'll only stop with a direct order from Princess Luna >Evading your fellow agent's assassination attempts will be the easy part >Luna hasn't trusted your word since the Stalliongrad incident >How were you supposed to know those colts were really Kirin agents? >You are Anon >You wonder if you should start doing background checks on your customers >You are Agent Sweetie Drops >And you know there's only one way to kill a pony >Or apelien, in this case >When he comes home, he's in for a big surprise >You're trying to make sense of this situation, so you must be Fleur >Okay, start from the beginning >Anon is almost certainly innocent, at least of intent >Agent Sweetie Drops, the hardest hardflank in the company, thinks you're both traitors >You have to contact and convince Princess Luna that neither of you are threats >And you still need to shower all this dry cum off >Eugh >And now you're Anon >You hope Whatshername doesn't mind you leaving while she's in the shower >But you really need to open your shop for the day >And maybe work on a new business policy >As soon as you open the door, a wave of heat hits you, along with the stink of burning cigarettes >You are Agent Sweetie Drops >Anon is approaching the shop, so you get to work on your trap >There's thing Anon can't possibly survive >You've used this against griffons, minotaurs, seaponies >You know a mare who used a pile of it to neutralize an entire platoon of breezie berserkers >You adjust your gas mask, light a match, and toss it into the basket >The dried herbs go up in an instant, a grey plume of deadly smoke billowing into the enclosed shop space >Mere moments later, you hear his keys in the lock >The handle turns, and a >You are Anon, and you can't stop coughing >It smells like your grandpa's living room in here! >You squint to keep the smoke out of your eyes as you venture inside >There's a low, deep breathing sound coming from behind the counter, where you see a smoldering basket of herbs >Glancing at the partially-burned label, you realize it's tobacco >Dammit, you had to import that! >Whatever anti-smoker pony did this is gonna pay >Exactly 342 bits, which is how much you would've sold it for >As you cough, a black masked pony head peeks above the countertop >God dammit >You are Agent Sweetie Drops, and everything is going according to plan >Of all the poisons Anon stocks, tobacco is the most potent >How he got it, you don't know >It's banned as a chemical weapon >Even the company has a hard time getting stocks of it >Now, with Anon in his death throes, you can't help but crack a smile >Mission accomplished >And then Anon ripped off your gas mask >You have a slightly increased risk of lung cancer, so you must be Anon >This fuckheaded pony decided to burn your tobacco! >That shit's expensive! >You reach over the counter to grab them, wrapping your fingers around the filter of their mask and pulling >The pony doesn't come with it >Your eyes widen at the sight, then immediately shut when you get an eyeful of smoke >Bonbon?! >Squinting again, you can see her grabbing at her throat and wheezing >Damn ponies, smoke inhalation is not a joke! >Grabbing her by the tuft, you drag her outside into the fresh air >She's not breathing! >You are Fleur >Anon isn't here >You searched the entire suite after you got out of the shower, but he doesn't seem to be present >Panicking, you head down the stairs and out into the street >There's a cloud of smoke billowing into the sky down the road, so you start running >Oh Celestia, don't let you be too late! >You're freaking out internally, so you must be Anon >You don't know what's going on, except that one of your friends isn't breathing >It's the asscrack of dawn so the street is deserted >Nopony is around to help >You look down at her, her cream coat stained by soot, her little hooves twitching involuntarily >Her perfectly still chest >You've seen every episode of Scrubs, so you're hideously underqualified to do this >But you take a deep breath and do it anyway >You're freaking out externally, so you must be Fleur >As you near Anon's shop, you catch a whiff of something in the air that makes your nose curl and eyes water >She didn't... >Tobacco is only used in operations where collateral doesn't matter >But here! In the middle of a heavily populated town! To kill one stallion! >You gasp and wheeze, your hooves carrying you along the cobblestones to where Anon's shop is >You round the corner, bringing Anon's Apothecary into view >Smoke billows out the doorway, the thick stench of burning chemicals filling the air >The windows are blackened, and flames occasionally lick up them >That stupid nag set the place on fire! >You'll need another shower to get this accursed smoke from your fine white fur >In front of the shop, Anon is kneeling over a prone Sweetie Drops >His lips come down and lock with hers, only for him to rise up, smack her in the chest, and come down again >You stand there stupefied for a second, before leaping into action >Your life is flashing before your eyes, so you must be Agent Sweetie Drops >Your heartbeat is irregular, you can't breathe, your lungs are shriveling up with smoke inside them >The bastard won >You find yourself thinking of Lyra, but she doesn't interest you >You think of your candy store, and your plans to buy a larger location, and it doesn't interest you either >You think about Anon, and your chest swells, flooding with love for him >Wait a second >You cough, expelling black smoke from your lungs, and crack open your eyes >The worried faces of Anon and Fleur loom over you >They saved you... >Why? >You are Fleur, the most relieved assassin in Equestria >Anon is alive, and so is Sweetie Drops >Losing either of them would've been a blow to you, and made explaining this a lot more difficult >Down the street, you see a bright red carriage barrelling toward the burning building, which has quickly become an inferno >He gazes regretfully at the ruin of his business, but smiles when he sees Sweetie Drops is still alive >His technique was way off, luckily you were trained as a medic before being selected as an assassin >The three of you sit there in the street as firemares, ponice, and ponymedics begin swarming around you >Sweetie Drops is secured to a stretcher and pulled into an ambulance >A blanket is draped around Anon's shoulders, despite his best efforts to shrug it off >Somepony shoved a cup of coffee into your hooves >You can't stand the stuff, preferring tea or fine wine, but you still drink it down gladly >This fiasco is finally over >You are Princess Luna, and your rage has turned to a slow, simmering anger >It's been 24 hours since you've had a report from either Agent Sweetie Drops or Fleur >You stalk through the halls of the palace, servants and guests making a wide berth around you >You swear, if you don't hear from them in the next hour, you'll go down there yourse- >"Your highness?" A mare says, dressed in the uniform of a diplomatic courier >She hands you a classified scroll and flies off >You open it and cast a cypher spell on the coded words >'Dear Princess Luna,' it reads, 'Agents Sweetie Drops and Fleur-de-Lis would like to tender their resignations' >Thy cheek twitches involuntarily >'Furthermore, Anon Y. Mous of Ponyville hereby files a claim for compensation from the crown due to damages inflicted on his property during royal operations' >The fine marble floor beneath thy hooves begins to crack, an intense heat borne of rage swelling within thy royal body >Thou may'st kill somepony yet