Originally Published March 31st, 2018

>The wind whips at your face as you stand atop the tallest hill in Ponyville
>Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie flank your right side
>Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack are on your left
>You wished it didn't have to come to this
I was hoping it would never have to come to this, girls...
>As you talk, a handfull of other ponies begin to move in behind you
>Some take places on either side of the Element Bearers
>Others stand behind, ready to push you down when given the word
>Everypony next to you, even Fluttershy, has a look of grim determination painted on their face
>After all, today was the day that would finally determine who would be
>Fucking you

-2 weeks prior

>"clunk clunk beep"
What in the fuck?
>Rolling out of bed, you look outside your bedroom window
>It's the girls, again
>Only this time, they're all sitting in what looks like...go-karts?
>Throwing on a robe, you race downstairs and throw open the door
>Sure enough, each pony is seated in their own little soap-box car
>Slowly bumping into each other, and squeezing bike horns after each impact
>"G-good morning, Anon! Are soap-box derbies your fetish?"
What? OW!
>Rainbow flaps her wings and steers, making her car bump into your shin
>"Yeah! Twilight read about it in your journal and was all "WOW! Anon loves these car-things almost as much as I love my books! Maybe we should use them to see if he'll go out with one of us like I do with my books!"
>"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight puffs up a bit in embarassment
>"Oh please, Twilight, Rainbow isn't too far off the mark."
>"Well yeah, but I don't date my books!...anymore."
>Ah, this makes perfect-wait
You were reading my diary?! What the h-
>"Hey, this seems fun! What's everypony doing?" 
1/

-2 weeks later

>And that was how Mayor Mare misinterpreted a potential vehicular gangbanging for a social call
>And, after Twilight gave her the skinny on soapbox derbies, decided to make said potenital gangbanging into an open contest for a grand prize of 1000 bits to the winner
>After she left, the girls then decided that whoever won first place would also get to be your marefriend
>And then they scurried off in their little buggies, bumping and honking as they went
>Which leads you to now
>Everypony in the race is lining up at the starting line
>The Mayor personally checks each cart to make sure there's no engines underneath the plywood
>"Mr. Anon, why is there a duffle bag under your hood?"
>Shit
For...uh...balance! I'm a bit on the hefty side, and this makes sure I can turn without tipping over...heh.
>She raises an eyebrow at you, then closes the hood
>Taking a place on the podium, she speaks
>"GOOOD MORNING EVERYPONY, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER PONYVILLE WACKY RACES!"
>The crowd cheers in response
>"THE GOAL IS SIMPLE: GET FROM THE TOP OF THIS HILL TO TOWN HALL, ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!"
>She gestures at a tiny speck in the distance
>Rarity pulls out her opera glasses and gasps
>"AS FOR THE RULES: NO ENGINES, FLYING, TELEPORTATION, PROPULSION/REPULSION SPELLS, OR BITING IS ALLOWED DURING THE RACES. YOU MAY ONLY MOVE UNDER GRAVITY, OR YOUR OWN POWER!"
Hehehe...
>You tap the hood of your derby car, chuckling
>"What's so funny, Anon? Did you bring a weddin' dress for me to wear when I win?"
>Eugh
No, AJ. I'm just glad to know I'm following the rules.
>"Of course we have to follow the rules, silly-filly! Games aren't fun if somepony's cheating!"
>You laugh again
Oh if you only knew, Pinkie
>Mayor Mare's voice booms over the crowd once more
>"ON YOUR MARKS"
>Everyone is pushed forward to the starting chock
>"GET SET"
>Rainbow spreads her wings
>The sound of hooves clacking onto wood fills your ears
>"GO!"
>The chock is pulled, and the race begins
2/

>Your head jerks back as Big Mac forces your cart towards the drop
>He didn't feel like breaking bread with you as family any time soon, so he was more than happy to stay your friend and help you beat his sister
>With whiplash making you ignore how wrong that sounded, you do a quick glance to see where the girls are:
>Pinkie and Rainbow are still at the start
>"C'mon Gummy! We need to win!"
>"HEY WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THE CARTS SO CLOSE TOGETHER!?"
>AJ, Twi, and Rarity are a few paces behind you
>Spike, Sweetie, and Applebloom were terrible pushers as it turned out
>Which just leaves
>"H-hi, Anon..."
Fluttershy?
>She's barely ahead of you by a nose
>A very tired looking Scootaloo is on the ground behind her
>"Does this mean we're married now?"
Not on your life, Butterface.
>You try to reach into your duffle
>But gravity has other plans
>Your hand, and the rest of your body, is forced back into your seat as you quickly gain speed down the hill
>The ponies behind you scream with panicked joy
>Fluttershy, meanwhile, is just plain screaming
>With her hooves covering her face
>Her cart starts to weave back and forth, threatening to flip over should she go any faster
FLUTTERSHY! PUT YOUR HOOVES ON THE STEERING WHEEL!
>"A-ANON?!"
>Damn your natural sportsmanship!
>She takes her arms from her face, just in time to veer away from a tree
>Her cart smacks into Thunderlane, sending him out of bounds and out of the race
>And also, irritatingly, putting her into the lead
>Damn your natural sportsmanship...
>Behind you, you hear the rest of the racers, but the girls most of all, growl in determination
3/

>Fwoomph
>Fwoomph
>You check your tires, thought none seem to have popped
>Fwoomph
What the hell is making that noise?
>With another Fwoomph, you see the source
>Rainbow Dash, wings spread, flapping next to you on her way to the lead
Hey!
>Reaching sideways, you smack her car
Mayor said no flying!
>Rainbow rolls her eyes back at you
>"My wheels haven't left they ground, have they?"
>Damn technicalities
>"Don't be scared of me winning, Anon. I'll be gentle...at first."
>With a wink,she flaps her wings again, catching up towards Fluttershy's rear bumper
Oh hell no!
>Top Cunt may be a bro, but she's the last mare you want on your dong
>Next to the rest of the girls, anyway
>Fighting gravity (seriously, how fucking tall is this hill), you reach into the duffle under your hood
>You jangle about inside of the bag for a moment before pulling out your prize
>A browned banana peel
Hyup!
>You chuck it down the hill ahead of you
>hiWHAP
>"MY EYES!"
>Through your side mirror, you see Button Mash scrabbling at his face to peel the banana away
>Then you hear him scream as his little boxy car rolls up into a tree
Oh yeah, Mario Kart never had any wind...
>You decide to save the rest of the banana peels for later
>"Anon! You're cheating!", comes a cry from behind you
It ain't cheating, Pinkie! No rules against it!
>Your body slips down against the seat as the hill finally levels out to the ground
4/

>The cart rattles as you race towards the first turn
>Fluttershy is sticking close to the inside, and has to make a sharp left to avoid crashing as she comes out of the turn
>Rainbow angles her wings, diving from the outer wall to the inside stealing First from Fluttershy
>Following Rainbow's lead, you squeak into second place
Eat it, Shy! You'll never take my virginity!
>"Yeah! That dock belongs to Rainbow Dash!"
>Oh right, she's still ahead of you
>You rummage in your bag again, but a crashing sound behind you takes your attention away
>Looking back, you see a massive dust cloud
>"MY MANE! THE HELMET DID NOTHING!", screams Rarity as she bolts off the track
One down, five to g-
>Loud organ music cuts you off
https://youtu.be/-W7tpWZB4Rk [Embed]
>Twilight crashes through Rarity's cart, the debris dispersing the dust cloud
>"THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THE SECRETS OF ANIME, ANON!"
>She rips a lever and drifts through the turn, sliding past Fluttershy and into second place alongside yourself
>"AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS MUSIC, I'M UNBEATABLE! BADABADABDABDABADADA-"
>She's not even siging the words to the song
Quit singing the melody you fucking bagel!
>You drop a turtle shell hoping to hit her, but she dips out of the way
>Soarin isn't as lucky, however, and flips over a few times before landing in a bush by the track
>The Mayor's office is still a ways off, and you've only taken out one suitor
>It's time to step your game up.
5/

>"Why do you insist on calling me that!?"
>It's hard to hear her over the music she's blaring, so you give a safe answer
Because!
>"That's not a real answer, Anon!"
>Ignoring Twilight, you turn your focus to Rainbow Dash
>She, above all the others, musn't be allowed to win
>You can't fuck your bro
Hey Rainbow!
>"Whaddaya want?" She spreads her wings out a bit, slowing herself down but still maintaining a respectable distance between you
>Going to need to play the psych card to get her to drop
>You flick your throat to switch your voice for a moment
My Dash! She ain't much but she's all I got!
>"What?"
I have a narrow urethra.
>On cue, a large rainbow-maned stallion dives onto the track
>Right into Rainbow's cart, taking Thunderlane out with them
That's two down.
>You round the next turn, devising how to take down the remaining girls
6/

>The current Race Standings
>First Place: Yourself, Twilight
>Second Place: Fluttershy
>Third: Who cares
>Retired: Rainbow, Rarity
>The only two missing are Pinkie and AJ, whom you haven't seen since the start of the race
>The wall in front of you explodes into rubble as a cart flies through it
>"WOOHOO! THANKS GUMMY!"
>Pinkie skitters and hops across the roadway before settling into First with you and Twilight
Pinkie! You destroyed some dude's house!
>"Yeah! Go into second place and I might pardon you when the race is over!"
>Twilight smacks into Pinkie's cart
>A pie to the face greets her in response
>I'm willing to risk jail! I know Nonny will wait for me!"
>The Mayor's Office is getting ever closer
>Fuck planning
I'm not waiting for any of you!
>Grabbing your bag, you upend it onto the road around you
>Rocks, turtle shells, and bananas are flung to and fro
>The girls shriek as they duck and weave around the projectiles
>And you manage to hit absolutely no one
>If anything, you somehow managed to let Fluttershy close the gap between the four of you
>"Th-thanks for the b-boost, Anon."
I wasn't trying to do that.
>"Yeah, he was trying to scare you fillies away so he could have a real mare!"
Shut up, Twi.
>"Anon, that is no way to talk to mah friends!", shouts a voice from behind you
>It can't be
>But turninng around, it is
>A cart surrounded by a purple glow, with blue wings and orange legs poking out of the side
>And from the front, a blue, a white, and an orange face arranged like a small tower
>"Hiya Applejack!Hi Rainbow!Hi Rarity! That looks fun!"
CHEATING! CHEATING!
>"T'aint no rules against it, and you know it. I'm driving the cart by kicking, Rainbow is steering, and Rarity is holding it together. If only SOMEPONY hadn't sabotaged my wheels, I wouldn't have to be sharing you when I won."
>You've seen this type of thing before in movies
>Maybe it's an angle you can abuse
Share me? But how could you possibly divide the time fairly?
7/

>The stack of ponies is quiet, save for the rapidfire kicks coming from AJ
Well?
>Then Rarity laughs
>"Oh darling, you think we hadn't already worked that out?"
>"We can take you whenever we want for a max of 2 hours per day each."
>"Yeah, or we can kidnap you for a week if we let each other know in advance.", Rainbow adds, grinning.
Shit.
>AJ speeds up her kicks, bringing her team into first place alongside the rest of you
>The Mayor's Office is only some hundred hards away
>You know what must be done
>Reaching into your bag, you pull out your final weapon
>A flashbang grenade
>"Anon, what are you doing?", one of the girls ask
>Ignoring them you pull the pin, and toss it ahead of you
ALL Y'ALL CAN EAT IT!
>BANG
>A bright flash fills your eyes, and you feel a cart smack into your side
>Through the ringing, you can barely make out the girl's screams as they smack into each other and the walls nearby
8/

>Rarity's hold on the Applewagon falters, and the cart falls to pieces, sending a loose bolt into your tire
>With a pop, it deflates and slows you to a stop
>You lurch forward in your seat, still dazed from the grenade
>From what little you can hear, no other carts are moving
>Looking around, the girls are slowly climbing out of their totaled carts
>"Ugh, my tummy..."
Whew.
>Nobody is able to cross the finish line
>You've w-
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
>A small, boxy cart falls from the sky, smacking into the street and skittering across the finish line
>Mayor Mare's voice sounds off from the starting line
>"AND THE WINNER OF PONYVILLE'S INAUGURAL DERBY AND 1000 BITS IS BUTTON MASH!"
"WHAT!?", you and the girls scream in unison
>Button looks shaken at first, but quickly cheers up when the bag of bits is plopped in his lap
>"Wow, thanks!", he beams at the Mayor
>Well shit, there goes redoing the locks on your house
>You turn to the girls
So, are you going to pull this kind of stunt on me again?
>"No...", they sigh, looking dejected.
Good. Now go home, I can tell we all need a nap.
>The girls begin to head off to their homes, heads staring into the dirt
>Fluttershy however, begins walking towards the stage
Fluttershy? Your home's that way.
>"I know. B-but since Button Mash got the mony, then second place gets you as a consolation prize," she says, barely louder than a whisper
No I'm no-
>You feel 5 streams of hot breath on your back
>Then you feel the street as your legs are wept out from under you by five very passionate mares

>And so the Ponyville Soapbox Derby came to a close, with your prize being
>Fucking Fluttershy
>And Rarity
>And Rainbow Dash
>And Applejack
>And Pinkie Pie
>And Twilight Sparkle
END
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