Originally Published November 4th, 2018

>Be Anon 
>Wake up
>Do the Quadruple-S
>Shit, Shower, Shave
>and Sob
>Why sob? Because for years now, Twilight Sparkle has been using every trick in the book to try and get in your pants
>That book being an even more demented horse-version of Cosmo
>Replete with its own brand of whacky sex tips guaranteed to woo any stallion!
>That is, any stallion with an absolute dearth of dignity
>Sadly, you do have some dignity, so you curl yourself into a tight ball on the floor of the shower as you sob
Why, Celestia? Why me?
>"Because I love you, that's why!", a certain purple voice excitedly whispers in your ear
"DAW GAAAAAH!", you scream as you flail out wildly, making the shower curtain fall on you
TWILIGHT! GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM!
>"Don't worry, I'm not in the bathroom with you."
>You peep out from under the curtain
>Sure enough, the only creature in the room is you
>At least, the only creature you can see
Twilight, did you shrink yourself again? Did you forget the last time you tried that?
>You hear Twilight let out a fearful shudder
>"I don't think I could forget that if I tried. But nope! No shrinking!"
>You stand, letting the curtain fall off you to the floor
Then...where are you?
>A playful giggle dances on your ear, making you nervous
>"Come and find me, big boy~!"
1/

>You walk downstairs into the kitchen and scan the area
>No purple princesses in sight
Twilight, you know I'm gonna kick you out of my house as soon as I find you, right?
>"Oh, I doubt that very much. And keep searching! You're getting warmer~."
Ugh.
>You take a stomping tour of your kitchen, hoping Twi'll bang her head on whatever cabinet she's inside of
>"Wa-wait! Go two stomps back!", she cries
>Obliging her, you go backwards two stomps and stop next to your garage door
>"I'm behind the door, stud."
>Pushing the door open, you step inside
>Nothing looks out of the ordinary from what you can see, and you know for a fact that there's nothing large enough for her to hide inside of
Twilight? Where are you?
>Her voice responds, louder this time
>"Oh come on, Anon! Where's the fun in just telling you where I am?"
The fun is in getting you out of my house.
>"Sure," She titters, "but before that, why not have a snack? I left you a surprise on your workbench!"
A surprise?
>Cautiously, you make your way over to the bench
>A hayburger is resting on top of the worksurface
I'm gonna eat this and pass out, and then you're gonna rape me, aren't you?
>"Come on, pick up the burger and take a bite, Anon, you're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge."
>You give a final look around, making sure that Twilight isn't hanging on the ceiling or some bullshit
>Then, carefully, you grab a screwdriver and turn the burger around to check for a trip wire
>Only to find something much, much worse
2/

https://i.imgur.com/0F6nBVC.png

>"I turned myself into a burger, Anon! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a burger! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a burger! W-w-what are you just staring at me for, hot stuff, I turned myself into a burger, Anon."
>You glare at Twilight
>She beams back at you
>"I'M BURGER TWIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
>You pick her up, gently, and carry her out of the garage
>"I see the Cosmo tip is working! Where are we going: the bedroom? Or do you plan to ravish me in the kitchen you sexy beast?"
"It depends," you reply. "Can you still use your magic?"
>Burger Twi chuckles "Oh my, I didn't know you were so lewd~~. I can do anything you want me to, Anon."
>You feel what you hope is grease start running down your fingers from out of her patty
Well in that case!
>You throw open the back door and set her on the porch
>"Anon?"
Have fun fighting off the possums!
>You shut the door and turn the bolt
>"ANON WAIT! POSSUMS ARE ALLERGIC TO HAYBURGERS!"
>You head back upstairs to finish your sobbing
>Today was a wubba lubba kind of dub dub day
/3