>You are Anon.
>Occultist from a long line of occultists.
>Your grandfather died recently, and bequeathed you his entire library, including a Grand Albert.
>This rare arcane tome, allegedly penned by Albertus Magnus (hence the name) cannot be bought, sold, traded, or stolen. Once opened by a new owner, it must be willingly given away or bequeathed.
>Otherwise, the book simply returns to its previous owner.
>You have no idea why there's a note on the cover calling it "The Grand Sunbutt!"
>It's not in your grandfather's handwriting, either.
>You tried every spell that you knew of to analyze the contents of the book from outside.
>Nothing worked.
>With some trepidation, you eventually gathered your courage, opened the book, and read it cover to cover.
>Nothing seemed out of the ordinary for an occult tome.

>That night, a fat-assed white alicorn came and sat on your face.
>Then she sat on your crotch - well, bounced, really.
>Then she came back the next night and did it again.
>And you got another round of it the night after that.
>This time, she was gleefully babbling about keeping you unshod and erect in the kitchen.
>You're not sure what that was about, but now you know why the old man died of a combination heart attack and crushed pelvis.
>And why his week-dead corpse had an erection that STILL hadn't gone down when the paramedics kicked his door in.
>It's a NICE ass.