[Rap Pone] RD: Uhh, I'm gonna say the F-word in this one. FS: Don't do it, Rainbow! Think of the advertisers! RD: What advertisers? Saturday night and I'm crying like a motherfucker 'Sposed to be spring, what a sweet thing I'm a fly machine, or if you speak ching, I am frying in heat like it's the fuckin' summer Like a fuckin' onion sitting in the oil tank, Just too fire--is it just too dank? Is this room so hot 'cause of insulation? Can't afford food 'cause of inf-lation? Well, you won't need groceries for this recipe Just bad words, gross things, and a little heat, 'Cause this fire's localized entirely, In the place that's it's got the right to be within this kitchen, I got an itch and I'm mixin' a pitch 'cause I nixed all the bitches I got no contrition, I'm making' my bits and I'm spittin' like sizzlin' oil, 'cause this rap is gettin' broiled I'm a motherfuckin' rap pone, rap pone Cookin' home meals like it's back home, back home Bringin' it back to when you get your ass pwned, Now follow the science so your bitch gets a gnat cone RD: I'm not kidding, it's way too fucking hot in here. Can we get an AC going or something? Uhh, how the fuck I gonna get a job? I don't wanna be a slob, but my resume just says that I go fast, Yeah I own that, and I'm gonna just state that I'm unvaxxed Fired me from the Wonderbolts 'cause I wouldn't get the jab, (What a fuckin' drag, what a bunch of fags), Now I'm firing heat, I ain't gonna halt, so you better hold your pants (Try to keep it in, you're on NoFap) Hold up, What the fuck are the neighbors doing? Why the fuck they screaming like it's Super Bowl, it's not- FS: Rainbow, it is the Super Bowl. RD: …Oh. They still have those? Gonna be frank, but not the filthy kind, guess what you can thank for all of these lines, it's too fuckin' hot for me to just recline, Too fuckin' loud, it's a sign of the times 'Cause it's much more easy to write rap, If I pretend that I'm only tryin' to write crap, Yeah, I got all these things that are makin' me mad, 'least I've got the time to make the beat fat I'm beginnin' to feel like a rap pone, rap pone Now if you're scared then stay your ass home, ass home Last two years, got your mask on, mask on LGBTs, I'm not your mascot, mascot [RD: I think my muse is the one smoking crack.] I say fuck and shit, that's some fuckin' shit, (It's a fuck shit stack, yeah, a fuck shit stack,) I'm a one trick hat or a fuckin' hack Yeah, try to make it sound like I'm smokin' crack, Just wanted to make some funkin' music, Wanted to make up somethin' new, sick It's hard enough just to work through it, Fuck the craft, write the lines, just do it Develop the stack like an underpaid intern, Handle that pan, and the heat will get your skin burned, Got it down pat, get that batter flat, Flappin' these jacks with an jam filled aftermath So this is the way that I'm gonna stay Making pancakes, cookin' every day As I waste away, got that ribot lait I am not okay, and I don't have much to say. Yeah. [Summer Solstice] Ever had a day when you woke up And you see the whole town goin' smoke up And you only wish it was the kind of hot to make you quiver But sunray's the only kind of shot that's being delivered Everypony's out in the streets Doing everything they can to beat the heat Humidity's at thirty but I feel like I'm drowning Hot all over and my heart is pounding Like a casserole in the oven Like the sun woke up and send its ass to give you lovin' Bake you out like those healthier chips Take a mare and burn her up into a crisp While the Purple Asshole's sitting way up in her insulated castle, shining lights on ants, foal with a magnifying glass Oh, I wish I could get a glass of water But it's dryer in this bitch than in Cookie Crumbles' daughter Twiggle's disco ball is shining A few decades past the early nineties Excuse me Princess but you overstayed your welcome I'm not a plate, so could you please turn off your weld gun 'Cause for us the temp is not an opt-in Got us burning more hot than the beat that I'm droppin' In the stories it was Icarus who flew up close Now the sun is movin' up on us, so This new genre's called a heatwave Making charcoal dust up in the streetway And I bet that bitch didn't notice But that's just how it be on the summer solstice [Winter Rap Up] (RD) Yo! It's the real R.D., Bringin' it back from the street, off the beat Bringin' heat, meltin' sheets of snowfall and sleet. Don't need to check a watch to tell the time, 'Cause we know what's hot that's on ya mind. So sit back while we yammer. Iron gets heated, bring down the hammer. It's goin' down, gettin' down, got a whole lot of that rhythm goin' round, get that sound, we intend to (rap this winter up)! (Chorus) Rap this winter up! (x4) (TS) Squashes, squashes, squashes, squashes, squashes Not the soup from your crotches Carnival, turban, delicata and banana type So many unknown kinds, mess with your fuckin' mind Who the hell wants to buy any kind of squash other than, the acorns, the butternut and pumpkins? With their sturdy skins, hard to cut them in, They should all be banned, these fruits are not your friends. So I'm not joshin', winter squashes, better watch' em, take 'em down a notch, 'cause I'll botch 'em They keep forever but I really don't know whether that's a blessin' or it's really just a curse 'cause after every winter Quarter, I really just mourn the, sort of performance, that squash places on us, yeah, you Slice 'em, roast 'em, puree them in a stew, When you're stuck with squashes there ain't really much to do. Though some think other ways, I don't think it's hard to say That every single motherfuckin' squash does taste the fuckin' same Maybe a consequence, so that's what happens when, you stuck in eatin' em up Every fuckin' day, and I say (chorus) Rap this winter up! (x4) (RD) Now repeat after me! Curling is not a real sport! Curling is not a real sport! Curling is not a real sport! And if you disagree, you might just be a few eggs short But I really just don't know / what you expect If all you've got to work with's a ski set, Yeah, it's time to go / and maybe take a rest and give the winter sports a reset. The skiiers all bragged, that I could watch a mare fly, But like a radio ad, you've got limits on your air-time Flyin' laps 'round your ass, soaring way up in the clear sky, Cut the crap, it's a fad, 'cause you mares can't even compare I'm, Not their kind, I fly very high, I'm seein' tubers in the ground they don't like scary heights, You buy air by the second, like that's so impressive, if you ever press 'em, then they get to fessin' that they're dressed in snow that's wettin', these foals they messin' with, testin' it, 'cept that I'm no foal who's fresh in it, so they'll just have to take a fuckin' lesson I am the best of the best, I don't need your acceptance, I am better than rest so just keep your neck in, I'm Joe fuckin' Pesc'in, this court is in session, here just you listen (Everything that guy just said is bullshit.) The sports are lamer when the sun is tamer Skier, or sleigher? They all work the same, but I don't need to lie, I'm floatin' like a butterfly But takin' ya twice as high (chorus) Rap this winter up! (x4) (AJ) Rappin' up winter, 'cause winter needs to back up Shovelin' into, the snow I don't like that stuff It's fun for all the foals, with their snowballin' plans but it's blockin' up the roads, more tedious than fun Walkin' down the street in your heavy duty boots Keepin' all the frost from stickin' to your hooves, And if you hear a shuffle, you're already feelin' dread Bam, icicle to the back of your head Hear that, that's the sound of my whole day gone 'Cause a roofing on a house just done caved on Somepony's head and now I got to head down with Mac, it's all impromptu And not to say nothin' 'bout the crops, 'cause with all this snow, the farm has mothafuckin' stopped, It's all frozen, don't you know it's hard to grow in, ten C below and I been movin' so much snow, you think I'm rollin' in the dough Burstin' pipes 'cause someone closed the faucet Frostbit crops don't tend to turn a profit So if I just may step up and say somethin' Good riddance to the winter (chorus) Rap this winter up! (x8) [Ballad of the POOMPer] 'Twas one fateful noon, after a show, Did the Countess choose to embark On an ill-fated journey of which you'll know Trapped in the cage of her car Cruel the world we live in, many will say What a terrible awful tale-- How jealousy in love can lead some astray And make the brakes on a car fail. But there's more to this story than a kiss of death Between Rara and Rarity Or the jealous dragon bastard who had his claws set To cut the brake lines loose and free. 'Cause there's many things that just don't go down. Situations that confuse. So we're gonna need to clear things out. We'll need a quick review. The difficulty starting was the first sign of trouble But Rara seemed to pay it no mind To her it was a sign to her efforts redouble She'd get the car started in time Two minutes would pass with her stepping on the gas Before the engine did start 'Twas a cruel mishap she had patience to last Didn't think it strange of her car But anyhow she got out on the road Despite the engines' long delay With the problems in her auto that she wouldn't know 'Til she was rollin' on down the highway. Cruisin' along and five minutes passed When the car came into a turn She probably thought, a little too fast, But I'm not so sure if she'd learned. She gave the brakes a few dozen taps But the car maintained its speed Then she gave the brakes a few hundred taps But the car maintained its speed For ten minutes she alternated brakes and the gas With the car maintaining its speed At some point, she must've gotten that Her brakes didn't slow her speed. For ten minutes she rode the Palomino sands Navigating turns with ease Didn't think to take her hoof off the gas And let friction do its thing. Look around, there's hardly a car in sight There's plenty of road to slow. Even without her brakes, maybe she thought it alright To ignore it all and just go. See, these are the things that make no sense It wasn't just the brakes. If this is how she drives, then long before then She would've drove into a lake. Twenty minutes in and finally she tried To give the hoofbrake a tug. For a manual driver it's a big surprise She didn't try to shift once. So most songs like this end in a lesson But for this one I just dunno. 'Cause our story ends with Rara crashin' Right into the side of a tunnel. Perfectly drivable, far as I could see. No different than the curves before. But now Rara has ceased to be. Coloratura is no more. [Pinkie Pie's RC Car] Pinkie Pie: Hellooo, Doordash for Rarity? Rarity: Pinkie! The perfect pony to see in a peckish pinch! I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm sure you have more deliveries you must be working on--my goodness, what in heavens is that garish, dysfunctional excuse for a vehicle?! Pinkie Pie: Oh, this? This is just a little thing called the Pinkie Pie RC Car. Glad you like it! Rarity: Ahah, yes, well, I'm glad you're doing better than running your deliveries on hoof these days. But I must say that I've never seen anything in Equestria like that! May I inquire of the provenance of Pinkie's peculiar means of locomotion? Pinkie Pie: You mean where I got it? Rarity: Yes, "where you got it". Pinkie Pie: Well... Scroungin' for bits since the Corner moved on Makin' my trips, and I'm dashin' door to door Out of breath, runnin' sweat, too much to do Food's spillin' wet, the aching's in my hooves So I said, there's got to be a better way for the Poner Pink to get from place to place What'd I find in the paper by the pony stars, but an ad from a dealer in used cosmic cars, So I took a little trip down to Aquarius-Nine, Lookin' for a whip among the various rides, The mare behind the counter, glasses, crazy 'fro Then I knew I'd found her, solve my commute woes Said I'd need a whip to lighten my load, Seemed in her head that's a car she would know And she said, "Girl, you need some RC-Control". (Ah, RC-Control) Rollin' solo in yo new sick ride Suspension zero and the music high Cruisin' thru town with the rear wheel drive Better watch out for the Pinkie Pie Bringin' it down with the Pinkie flow Hoofprint traction and grills that glow Spinnin' action, 'cause you know, I'm Rollin' in my six-fo' With that floral print and the motor's purr, Pinkie Pie knew this was the car for her, Mildly screamin' like my double A batteries Smoothly feelin' like some pancake batter, the body's dotted up in heart decals, perfect for me and for all my pals 'Cause Pinkie's spreadin' culinary love, With a vehicle, that's real gold, not some ordinary stuff, I do donuts, yeah I go nuts, I deliver nuts and also donuts, No suspension, my intention, is to get in in ten seconds flat, Call me Rainbow Dash, yeah 'cause I go fast, Let you know that, I don't guzzle gas Get ready, 'cause 'fore you thought The food's here; it's still pipin' hot Rollin' solo in my new sick ride Suspension zero and the music high Cruisin' thru town with the rear wheel drive Better watch out for the Pinkie Pie Bringin' it down with the Pinkie flow Hoofprint traction and grills that glow Spinnin' action, 'cause you know, I'm Rollin' in my six-fo' Receivin' the love on the heart antenna, RC from above, and you know there's no better. Step out the way if you see me rollin' Deliveries to make but I'm not tryna go bowlin' Look both ways fore you cross the street, To be safe, 'cause my ride, it spins at speed. Like a giant Disney cup of tea, Not my rims, but that would be neat. Like my batteries, I'm drivin' with the top off I'm past capacity, I'm sayin' you cannot scoff Just like my brand, my ride is supercharged Like the last stand, Pinkie Pie's at large. My chariot is carryin' the fare she gets, and where she is just doesn't matter, for the party planner. It's the P-I-N-K-I-E, drivin' around, propelled by Control R-C, Ride the waves of the radio, Just hit the buttons and make it go, Yeah you know I'm ridin' low, Scrapin', dippin', hits the flo' 'Cause it's Pinkie Pie's RC Car, Drivin' near and drivin' far Drivin' over here and drivin' over there Pinkie Pie's gonna drive everywhere Rollin' solo in my new sick ride Suspension zero and the music high Cruisin' thru town with the rear wheel drive Better watch out for the Pinkie Pie Bringin' it down with the Pinkie flow Hoofprint traction and grills that glow Spinnin' action, 'cause you know, I'm Rollin in my six fo' Rollin' solo in my new sick ride Suspension zero and the music high Cruisin' thru town with the rear wheel drive Better watch out for the Pinkie Pie Bringin' it down with the Pinkie flow Hoofprint traction and grills that glow Spinnin' action, 'cause you know, I'm Rollin in my six fo' [Flutterbutter] RD: Hey Fluttershy, I got a guest spot for you on this album. Come on. Here's the mic. Express yourself. FS: Oh, no... I couldn't do that, Rainbow Dash. Um. I'm not a rapper. RD: You are now. (Huh?) Show them what you really think. FS: I don't- RD: We're recording. FS: So this thing is on? RD: Yes it is. FS: Oh dear. RD: Stop tapping it. The beat's about to come in. You need to say something. FS: Alright... if that's what you really want... Got a little itch, makin' my mind think of dealin' with, but I think I might need a pill in it, and I think some caps need a peelin' 'cause I'm so sick of this. Everypony's bein' such a little shit, actin' like they got a bigger dick, First I thought I would peel and quit but I guess I can't in the thick of it. So run your lips, parrot words, like "she's got no character development" You're blunderin', 'cause you're the carriage first; I'm the mare in first, with the yellow win's. Now she's wonderin', if I Stare at her, give a mare a curse, can I kill at whim? Know I'm thunderous, no more carin' for, bring a barrage hurt, like an elephant. These assholes. "Nine years and still so bashful?" You some backhoes, grind gears and making gas flow, Like I'm Macross, hot air don't break my cashflow. I'm so fashionable. My cheers turn fans irrational. Call me bashful? I see'er and I will bash skulls. Baseball bat pone. I don't cap, though. I tear and drink from apples. You a vassal; I'm here up in the castle. Call me Dracul', your fears of the unnatural. Cloak and mantle, I drive peers nuts like Fastenal or socks in sandals. (What a scandal.) Everypony and their mothers wanna act like a little bitch, askin' for some stitch-es Everypony gonna mutter but they can't hit pitch and they got no rhythm All the haters wanna start somethin'; gonna play 'em, 'cause they cards bluffin' I filet 'em like it's poisson and I nightshade 'em like Slim poisonin' You don't know me; don't say "Flutters", you should ditch it back into the kitchen In the zone me, smooth like butter, in the skillet, I enrich 'em I make any dish taste better; you waste paper bitch, chain letter I "yay", fans turn eyes, heads; if I "hey" stay out my shed Let's not mince words. Everypony seems to think that I fuck animals. Everypony wanna tie my string right around that riddle. 'Cause it's such a funny little thing and it's gonna make you laugh, giggle. See how well you can slap your knee when you're sawn in sagittal. Don't worry. I've seen your search hi-story and it ain't boring. 'Tween the furry voring and the curry s'moring and the crematories--it's a cursed foray. Immersed in gory, gets worse of course he does, lurching for a purse for pouring her vomitory; shit conservatory; can't ignore this shit, gotta purge with chlorine. The bleak reality of why y'all wanna see a little bestiality These lil' invalid things wanna muthafuckin' toss my salad, see No calories, just a fallacy. projectin' their beast egality 'cause they can't have the (squee) Strokin' their little phallus sting-ers while hopin' one day they'll get down with me I'll be frank. I wouldn't even rape you; first, frankly there's no way to, you need to use the weight room, 'cause even I'd fuckin' break you. you need to fuckin' bathe dude, and maybe haircut/shave too. 'Cause I don't like skin flake soup, immersed in dry ejaculate, ew, Everypony and their mothers wanna act like a little bitch, askin' for some stitch-es Everypony gonna mutter but they can't hit pitch and they got no rhythm All the haters wanna start somethin'; gonna play 'em, 'cause they cards bluffin' I filet 'em like it's poisson and I nightshade 'em like Slim poisonin' You don't know me; don't say "Flutters", you should ditch it back into the kitchen In the zone me, smooth like butter, in the skillet, I enrich 'em I make any dish taste better; you waste paper bitch, chain letter I "yay", fans turn eyes, heads; if I "hey" stay out my- Buryin the hairy player who dare he to fuck with the dairy mare; it's hari-kari with a caring bear, call it the Harry/ Kerrygold pairing; no you can't harry the wary; conceal no carry 'cause my glare, will parry; like a fuckin' barrier and any fucker seekin' it to share can't even tarry near my derriere, so you better prepare to square up for a fuckin' marathon, of tearin' like we popped her fuckin' cherry gone; it ain't a staring contest; if it were I would be paragon Butterfly knife in the pocket, I won't stop it, I'm a rocket, shot up in the socket like an arrow that I nock-ed at your peril, got a barrel full of rock and I'm about to drop it; brought the drip you're flossin' but I spit it like a faucet, cut your losses while I toss it, rue the minute you crossed it; give plenty to process, I'm ready off I'm poppin, you're smelly just hot shit, I'm finished you lost it, don't another motherfucker or their cousin got the druthers to go bother Flutterbutter 'cause Everypony and their mothers wanna act like a little bitch, askin' for some stitch-es Everypony gonna mutter but they can't hit pitch and they got no rhythm All the haters wanna start somethin'; gonna play 'em, 'cause they cards bluffin' I filet 'em like it's poisson and I nightshade 'em like Slim poisonin' You don't know me; don't say "Flutters", you should ditch it back into the kitchen In the zone me, smooth like butter, in the skillet, I enrich 'em I make any dish taste better; you waste paper bitch, chain letter I "yay", fans turn eyes, heads; if I "hey" stay out my shed [Orange Rind] You know, everypony's talking these days about how Eminem can rhyme orange with banana. Bornana. Well, I got something that rhymes with orange rind. You wanna know what rhymes with orange rind? You wanna know what rhymes with orange rind? You wanna know what rhymes with orange rind? I'll tell ya. Morbin' time. [Good Morning] The name is Pinkie, for a pony who is yawning When the birds are singing you a Good morning. Snuggled up in your sheets all nice But the world doesn't sleep for anypony outside So make your reply and don't be shy So say hello to Mr. Blue Sky Mr. Cloud and Mr. Sun. Yeah you better get it out, 'cause this day has just begun. It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood But you can't delay to make the flavor good Grab your tush and put on a little wake up Like these bars, yeah I put 'em in a shaker Yeah you know something big is gonna go Down when a pony's waking up, And the day is ready for the taking like the pastries that I'm baking (But Mr. Cake wants you to pay for them first). Everypony's got something to do On their hooves 'cause Ponyville's on the move Carriages on the streets carrying wares For the shops set up by merchant mares While I bake cake, a great day for AJ to make pay So say hey when she stops by, hey that's Carrot Top (hi!), now I got their fruits and roots, delivered like the package from the Derpy Hooves If you're short a flower, you're in Roseluck selling orchids by the hour, smelling so good Everypony knows the joy that art brings When Lyra comes to town and plays on the Heartstrings If you're headed to Cloudsdale, Cherry Berry's got her balloon up and ready to sail Doors are open at the Carousel Boutique For the chic, unique and magnifique It's a beautiful morning Rainbow Dash… um… I guess that pony's still snoring. This is Pinkie Pie signing off; I'm just here to say I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day [A Great And Powerful Diss Track] The motherfuck were ya thinking? Left us out to dry while you go out drinking. Sipping margaritas in your retirement home While the rest of Equestria gets boned. For the royal sisters, here's a little tip. Before you give the crown to your little shit Make her try it for a week first, and, Oh, I don't know, maybe rehearse? (But not like I'd know anything about that.) Dumped her on us like a fat turd With some groans and a little bit of Laughter Yeah, you dipped and wiped yours clean in a rush Left it in the latrine but ya forgot to flush And now it stinks like some pig shit Guess all those years just weren't it Now the Magic is dead and Friendship with it. And I'm buryin' it in a closed casket. For Twilight Sparkle, a little bit of Honesty Suckin' on hayburgers chronically They musta laced up those burgers with crack How the fuck else did you get so wack? She sent you down here 'cause of number one rule Ya can't teach friendship from a book or school Nine years, act a fool 'Cause you crackheads go and try to do A curriculum, and the world is sendin' em, To learn how to kill the autist within' em, From the one who loses her mind over a deadline, Spergouts shift the night into daytime. I got an itch. To put this alicorn bitch in a ditch. It's the pudding proof, I don't care if you can't handle the truth It sure makes me question your Loyalty Drinkin' up your hayburgers all oily, Got your dinner in the oven broiling, With the racial tension boiling. I need a purple burglar alarm, 'cause this giraffe Done stole the whole pantry, fridge, and the apple farm. I'm sure Whoa Nelly's a little jelly That it all went to your neck instead of your belly. And when the world was startin' up a race war, You decided to become a nine race whore, Icecream sundae, hot fudge and bananas split Put a berry in it with the closed casket. I'm here to kill Chaos. I want to kill Chaos. I need to kill Chaos. My quest is to kill Chaos. Ain't feelin' no Kindness When you let Chaos poke your brain with spined dick. Get that grey matter porous and tender. Take that gene pool and pour it in a blender. Must've been where Twilight got the idea from To make an omelette from nine different kinds of cum. With the way that Pinkie ran dick, you'd think hers and not Twilight's would look like Cheese Sandwich. Now you got these mutant dog types. Kidney bean mouths, make sure you lock your door at night. Apples and Rainbow are off cos-playin', They're in the trough making Zapp apple jam, Rockin' the jacket with that yee-yee ass mohawk, Showin' the colts you're not the kind that smokes cock. But at least you got some of it, Though the world may seem so Generous Seems one mare was left out to dry. Can I get an F in the chat for Rarity's sex life How the hell did that happen? Like, shit. Get that one a closed casket. [Free Food] SB: An increasingly common sight at markets across Equestria. Empty shelves and stands with eye-opening sticker prices. Customers lining up to get their hooves on whatever they can afford. In the face of a collapsing job market and rising inflation, some, like this former Wonderbolt here, are resorting to what could certainly be called unconventional means of obtaining food. Miss Rainbow Dash, could you explain what you were doing here? RD: Yeah, well, the Wonderbolts laid me off a few months ago and I've been looking for work ever since. Applejack stopped letting me crash at the farm, so I've been sleeping on clouds and raiding dumpsters for food. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff these Canterlot snobs throw out! I got this donut here, and… Making these bits last, in case you didn't catch that I'm draggin' through the riffraff, 'cause this year has been that, a mishap, a bit wack, so bric-a-brac and knickknack's the big fact for Ms. Dash, been stashin' up the mishmash, just pick at bin-bimbap A spare pan-cake, an errant bake, just takin' my fair catch, a clear plan, makin' no error slash breakin' it there just sayin' One mare's trash saves another mare cash. Hey! It's free food--to reduce, reuse your refuse To retool your oats and beet stew It feeds you plus #MeToo! Hey! It's gratis, it's a feast, some rabe gratin Saving wads of gravy for me It's my lot; but my way to be Picking up the donuts, but on whom fell the onus? where I'm diggin' up the cronuts, while nobles get their bonus just trying to get the most of my dough… nuts! I guess it fell on us (Ha ha ha) Technically a crime, like the rhyme in the last line, but I guess that's fine, 'cause you'll need a fast guy to catch mine, try to match fly the Dash-ie, it's a bad time, real nast-y No salary, just gathering my calories, I'm powering my batteries with the chowder thing come hourly What's the matter G with my gathering, it's not that icky 'cause I'd rather be up a faster speed so let me chow please It's about the spontaneity--a cake of layered cheese or sriracha mayo aioli. A gourmet OD, tomato leaves or bagel seeds, filet o' things, I never know what lays for me. Hey! It's free food--to reduce, reuse your refuse To retool your oats and beet stew It feeds you plus #MeToo! Hey! It's gratis, it's a feast, some rabe gratin Saving wads of gravy for me It's my lot; but my way to be (FS: Ooh, it's free food) SB: Aren't you worried about getting food poisoning? RD: Well, I'm usually pretty good at dealing with that. I've got a strong stomach, and beside that, I've got my eyes, right? So, let's take this apple here. SB: Alright. RD: It's not the most appetizing looking thing, but that just means it's got some extra flavor to it. Now we've got a little bit of mold on this side, right? So I want to make sure that I'm only eating this half of the apple--like so. SB: Wow! You just went for it, didn't you? RD: Mhm. SB: Well, best of luck to you, Rainbow Dash. [True To The Mane] This one goes out to all you motherfuckers that betrayed the Mane. You know who you are, you little punks. It's the return of the rap verse. Stay True To The Mane. Is what I said to the hype, foes (don't believe it) seein' red, an Equestrian Psycho, these lyrics, you'll see you won't like those, but the Nirik in me got to ignite hoes When you started out you were unsure But the spark you'd found had got allure And now you found you'd fit right in a community where now you ain't hiding like you done used to be Time went on, you weren't happy with your position, so ya transitioned And alone that was just fine 'Cause you know a chiller kirin would let it slide 'Til ya started talking smack And stabbed your bronies in the back Callin' it racist and homophobic 'cause you can't stand a flame that makes a little smoke, bitch I hope you're happy with your furry niche (Yiff in hell motherfucker) Jumpin' on whatever wagon that got you high views, so now I'm fire axin' you, "d'ya like Huey Lewis and the News"? Turncoats got me waitin' to torch ya, and I got no reservations to scorch ya, Stay true to the Mane Stayin' true to the mane (Words of strength G, they better be packin' heat) Ohh (And y'all motherfuckers gonna square up like it's Hip To Be) Ba da, ba da (Call us divine flames 'cause when we pull up they're gonna have no option except to Christian Bale or Fire!) First you were down with the shitpost, then headed Twitter bound, a Dox Quick-sote Pledged your always to the pony, But you traded your homies for a bunch of woke phonies No more Cloud Chaser, just clout chaser Bigger waste of air than me, you fuckin' traitor Schizo, take a pill Swingin' your blade at every Nazi windmill It was bitter when you done and went and showed your true stripes and snowed up Twitter and the media for news hype Fly your chickens out to fight this Fry them up with secret spices Gotta check that they ain't overly done Since these flames burn at Marenheit 451 Actin' all weighty but he ain't mastered anything 'cept baiting. Stay true to the mane Stayin' true to the mane (Miss me with that x3 shit, fuckin' molester) Ohh (Furry paws are gonna test ya, turn and run her) Ba da, ba da (over with a truck, say I'm burning rubber) Made some pictures for your friends, then you blew up And everypony knew 'em Got yourself a Twitter account for publicity, And shit run south is what it seems 'Cause you let your followin' fill your brain with gas Combust a cap now the flame will last Don't nobody ask about the ponies and the horseshoe lore When you found you could glue a speech bubble on for virtue score Turn the whole neighborhood into political mouthpieces Guess it's the gayborhood but you need a miracle now (Jesus) Using your mare herds to tell us what we ought to think No more characters, just fellate makers of public policy But this Nirik ain't in their purse, so you can't draw my strings So you'll see who perish first, and who got the hotter beam It's a heat ray every day ya bring flame and me take a bi-te so we say stay true to the mane Stayin' true to the mane Ohh Ba da, ba da (Stay true to the mane) Stayin' true to the mane Ohh Ba da, ba da [Trouble With Trixie] [PART I: Reflection] Trixie: Didn't Celestia tell you something about not being able to teach friendship out of a book or something? Isn't that why she sent you to Ponyville in the first place? Twilight: Don't say that name. Trixie: I'll say "Celestia" all I damn well want to. As many times as it takes to get it through your big alicorn skull! Twilight: Trixie. With my school we've been able to spread the message of friendship to places that would've been inconceivable in her day. We're making friends in places that ponies have never even explored before. Trixie: Making friends?!? Twilight: Shut up. Trixie: Have you stepped outside your castle in the past few months? Did you see the same fires I did last week? You know, that half a block of buildings that went up in flames in the riots? Twilight: Shut up. Trixie: Nopony is making friends with anypony! Your kingdom is a mess, Princess Twilight Sparkle! Twilight: SHUT UP! [Magic sound] Twilight: I know everything is falling apart! I DON'T KNOW WHY CELESTIA CHOSE ME TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE! BUT NOW SHE'S GONE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Trixie: Oh yeah. It ain't over motherfuckers. Trixie: There you are, old friend. Now, let's do this correctly. [PART II: Correction] Trixie: Hey, bitch! Twilight: What are you doing with that amulet?! Trixie: Wanna see a good way to waste thirty seconds? So tell me Twilight. Have you ever used a dish rack? Or maybe just a view for bit lack- Ing pony peasants who didn't have Servant dragon, prick-hat, to hose the over-leftin's off of this plaque We wish that your quick knack that sniff crack, made it wack, knew this fact: Your big platter's ick (ack!) And it's rather caked in matter Needs splish-splash, like fish act, a nip Cascade, Tidal wave, and gave it lather Lick's nasty, cleanse palate, wet blasting rinse chalice, win strategy, medallion, goes it past the diss track; it's Trix's plan to fix facts. (Fuck you, Twilight). Oh no, Twilight's missing her princess So no equine's risen to fix it They'll know who's the pony invictus Pro bono from the G and P tricksta With the day so desperate and the aid of an amulet it's time to splice the lines and handle it Time manipulation's been a little tricky But never too much for Trixie. No ordinary pony can do this. It takes a special knowing to use it. So you'll need, before fate devours all, Somepony who can break the power's pull Who's known before the danger 'bout her soul Who always stands to take the hour's toll Who don't sleep on the weight of our goal Somepony GREAT AND POWERFUL [Voice 1] Eyes, vision, my mission, I'm given, wire splittin', binds, prison, line schism, light prism, blind listen, buy bidden, died, risen, life, Nine kitten, eight bitten, seven sinnin', six scission, five fixin', four fission, three different, two towing, one pony peanuts [Voice 2] Names, faces, strange places, war, races, dog faces, fire blazes, ice stasis, segregated, fragmentated, time waited, sky faded, tree shaded, sea waded, simulated black spaces, past traces, half phrases void gazes, cloy praises weed invaded, imitated, lime abraded, grass bladed, chaff raided, raft weighted peanuts Trixie: Peanuts? Wait, I remembered to pack peanuts, right? Oh, peanuts. Trixie fucked up the incantation, didn't she? This is the part where bad things happen, isn't it? (Shut up! Do you know what grounded means? But we're never gonna let that happen. We're gonna take control. We're gonna fight for what's rightfully ours!) Trixie: What the fuck is that? (I would like to thank everypony for continuing to wear a mask in these troubling times. Sigma rule #35 says, don't let the haters and trolls tell you what to do. Anyways, we broke the lid off, and it turned out the jar was left hoof threaded for some reason. The real mystery is, who would make a jar left hoof threaded?) Trixie: Oh shit! [Interlude: Arrival] Ugh… Where the hay am I? This isn't Equestria. Not Equestria Prime, anyways. Trixie's going to have to find some calories before she can cast another spell like that… What is that?!? Rainbow Dash: Coming through! Is that Rainbow Dash? Why does she have a horn? (BOOM) HOLY SHIT! FU- [Part III: The Rainbow Dash Show] The skies are waiting there for you and me The wind will carry us on electric wings In this awesome life Big adventure's out to find And I just can't wait For you to see the sunshine Sometimes you're gonna hit the ground But it's never gonna keep you down We're gonna make this sunshine last Or my name isn't Rainbow Dash On the wings of freedom and with friends by your side You'll brave the clouds and the rain And take the skies Yes, we'll live our storms one lightning bolt at a time And we'll love, and we'll cry, and we'll laugh, and we'll fight until the clouds clear and the colors fill the sky [Interlude: Rainbow Dash Show, S21E9] Bon Bon: Here's your peanuts. That'll be 2.79588 Dash. Trixie: Two point what? Bon Bon: 2.79588 Dash. Trixie: Dash what? Isn't there supposed to be something after the dash? Bon Bon: Yeah, yeah. A sonic rainboom? Never heard that one before. Trixie: No, Trixie is serious. Unless you mean Dash is some kind of currency? Bon Bon: You know, Dash Coin? Trixie: …No, No, I don't. Uh, do you accept bits? Bon Bon: What is this? Some kind of electronic storage medium? What kind of a port is this supposed to go into? Trixie: Your mom. No, they're just metal coins. Bon Bon: …No. No, we don't. Trixie: Why? They're made out of gold and shiny and stuff. Bon Bon: Have you been living under a rock? Trixie: Well, no, but- um… it's complicated. But what would you say if Trixie said yes? Bon Bon: We only accept DashCoin and Rainbow Dash Signature NFTs. Gold can be alchemically produced, so unless it's been magically signed by a cryptomancer with its own blockchain entry, it's easily counterfeited. And I don't see any signing anywhere on these. Trixie: In Equish, please? Bon Bon: Look, lady, I don't have the motivation to give you a free economics lesson. Are you going to pull out your phone and transfer or am I going to have to call security? Trixie: I don't understand. I have the money right here. Bon Bon: And I'll have you know I pay top Dash for my fraud insurance. Trixie: What is that? Why is it blinking? What does that mean? Bon Bon: It means you're about to get physically removed from my property. Trixie: Oh, fuck this! Trixie will remove herself and her peanuts from your property! Watch THIS, bitch! Trixie: Ow! Fluttershy: Oh dear, are you okay? Trixie: Ow! Trixie: Ow! Fluttershy: Um, you should probably stop trying to teleport. Trixie: Fluttershy. I see that you have grown a horn too. And you have cast a tele-block spell. Very clever indeed. Fluttershy: Um, do I know you? Trixie: Well, in a sense. But no matter. If Trixie cannot teleport out of here, things are going to get ugly. So I suggest you release your- Rainbow Dash: Physical removal incoming! Trixie: Wow, that is a surprisingly tidy landing for Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash: Heh. Well, now that I'm on contract, collateral damage comes out of my paycheck. Now, if my notes are correct, I'm dealing with a thief. And Bon Bon, your coverage authorizes me to deal with thieves in a special manner. Trixie: Oh, and in what manner is that? Rainbow Dash: A battle of rhymes. In the Wonderdome. It's gonna be so embarrassing for you. Trixie: Bring it, you flamboyant bird. And when should I expect this battle to occur? Rainbow Dash: Right now! [Part IV: Wonderdome Intro] Would you join me please in welcome-in-ing DJ PON3 on the beat. Judge Pinkie presidin' on the beat that I'm ridin' Make ya think with rhymes I link I tickle pink up inside 'em Not your nether folds, but your mental folds It'll end all woes, see two foes opposed and gathered here, our jury of all peers, the hour of judgment draws near. Some heed the call so clear and bring the raw and the sear while others fall to fear It happens here, it happens now, so stomp and cheer, yeah stomp so loud and make a big sound 'Cause you're gonna bear witness, composure fitness, in acid litmus test of wits, enveloped in a venomous battle of the elements of spellin' it Ah, there's a wonderous smell in it. It's a fight of rhymes, meet fire and ice Corner one, it's rainbow, blue, it's lightning fast, y'all know the name of Rainbow Dash Corner two, the Lulamoon, just mixin' ya ticket, not for kids this trickster So draw your sword, plug your cords, bring your force, no remorse, just horse-on-horse And you know there only goes home one of 'em, so welcome to the Wonderdome. Welcome to the Wonderdome, everypony! Before we get started, Tonight's entertainment is sponsored by Rainbow Shadow Legends! The most immersive free-to-play MMORPG for your phone, available on dashOS and flutterdroid! And now! For those in attendance and ponies watching around the world! Live from the Wonderdome in Las Pegasus, let's make some noise for our contestants. Introducing first in Corner One: You all know her. She needs no introduction. It's the fastest pony alive, Princess Rainbow Dash! In Corner Two: I ask you to welcome a newcomer to the ring. But here at the Wonderdome we know those are never to be underestimated. I introduce to you: The Great and Powerful Trixie! Fillies and gentlecolts, are you ready? DJ-PON3, drop the beat. [Part V: Brawl] Smoke and mirrors won't put fear in her, both I'm clearin' for dough, career of hers Joker, mere jester, broke her spirit, cursed, choke her here with rope to snare a cur Dash ain't havin' a stage magician upstage her best schemes A melt is all that's left, pull a confection bunny in my jet stream The cereal be brittle, and it's crunching when she bit 'em. Want to trim me in the middle like a Cheerio. She's a riddle: I'm the series holding, win-all, but this little Trix'll eat all of my Skittles? Got the skillet on to serially kill 'em. Gonna sizzle while I hit 'em with the metal Supersonic Bolt, strike orbital, breakdown mental, leave 'em with a vent hole Go ahead and play second fiddle. I just, wanted, my nuts, salted. Find what? Rap fight. Might cut. Crap, syke. Hey RD, way to be, raiding the bakery's waste, it's free pastries. Leftover donut, weren't even kept in a cooler Don't get paid enough to throw hooves with a 20% cruller You messed with the wrong Trix so, it's all wet over your cereal Don't you get this show-mare's pissed off bitch, little Finch brought her Eggo. Never check the neko, it crawls like a brothel, blue's waffle, it awfully sizzles (Ew.) Superficial diss, scoffed-ate that mare's break fast, watch her fix slow. Mic check. -Sting one. I'd get. Refund. Like this, bite on, my ma-chine gun Probably want to swallow up a sword, but I never bring a dagger to a gun fight Gaudy awful hollow trick performer, put your center mass in ironsights Got the chopper out and waiting for her, booked your ass for private flight Brought the offer lock to off her, murder, she couldn't fly, took a big dive (DROP IT) Grabbin' a rabbit, your hat tricks are passive and static like a damaged radio, I leave your satellite in fragments, it's a RaDical matter, 'cause gravity can't catch Chromatic see I'm lappin' radial, evade the land like it's an allergy, Inadequate, maddened she's rabid she hasn't capacity at C she's rated, I'll heat 'em, beat cascade fail like a battery, she's Lackin' the strategy to go rattle my anatomy, and it's a fallacy to think that you can battle me (Whatcha think of that?) Wow! You think your aerial's so scary, mare I'm gonna bury you, you're gonna burst like a cherry, like a bear eating a berry She think she is the meaner bird, bring your antihistamine, de-wingin' miss demeanor out the air, she screams "I didn't mean to", but the speeder missed a beat there, she got water in her speakers, so I brought her to the cleaners, make her wash in the machine to see if she's colorfast. These bars in pot of gold, end of Rainbow, applied it topical but hot like coals so rocks to throw, to drop my foes, the opps are toast, turn up my nose, you got up close, so snot mucosal Misdemeanor, risk of being hurt, is to be her, it don't reverse level even, hysteresis, in the pieces, singed by heaters, third degree burns Other words they penetrate, I truss Loyalty up like she's broiled, stuffed, and defenestrate, Shuffle ruffle off the heating coil, or you'll immolate, heat 'em and season the wings, end up in a tray Tussle muscle, brought the beef and oil in a marinade, guess I'm staking your territory, Hey Grammarly, what do I do with this Dash? Terminate (Anything you can do…) So why ya tryna roast the host? This dope is running smoke out of a toaster oven, couldn't yoke a toast or muffin. She bit my cruller, different view here, diss is skewer aimed into her bitch what are you a- BEIGNET! Locked up the bars for the larcenous magician who went knockin' on an engine, brought ammunition, chopper cut her carbon emissions, 'cause I'm On mission, oughta sit horsey in an auto collision, with bottle top up in her ovular tunnel I mean to bring a forty ounce shot like a mob up in her inoperative cunthole A tool, shank blade to debone, I spew flash flame acetyl Abuse, that's not for me though. Refuse, trash grabber, seagull, Lose, craps stacked, casino. Fool, Dash is not equal. Shoot that's not a needle. Proof: cap in the meathole, Oops! Kat has been T-boned Twilight: Enough! Trixie: Oh, shit! Twilight: I forget about one thing, one tiny amulet, and now you're getting into interdimensional rap battles! You're coming home with me, Trixie! Rainbow Dash: Wait! Twilight: Who the hell are you? You know what, I don't care. [Part VI: Epilogue] Trixie: So, that's the story of how Trixie got these peanuts. Applebloom: But what happened to Twilight? Trixie: It's funny that you should ask that, little Applebloom. Because that happens to be a great transition to our non-sponsor segment! You see, Twilight ended up enrolling herself in communication and project management classes on Skillshare, so she could be better prepared for her job. Speaking of Skillshare, get 2 months of Skillshare on me, the G and P T, using coupon code T R I X I E S C O C K… Get it, peanuts? Trixie: Disclaimer, that's not a real coupon code. Special thanks to 15.ai, TalkNet, and the Pony Preservation Project. And fuck the guy who wrote this. [Step Forward, Step Back] [Verse 1] RD: Waste no thought on who ya are, don't wait out for a braver star, 'cause your cause is the power to place the bar and break the laws, you know we're all gonna make it brahs RD/FS: No benefit to kill each other's hustle, but it's a method to build your muscle. We're in it together, but the only pain that will bear fruit is your own. The fate of your fortune is yours alone. RD: So hit the breaker and turn up the gains, 'cause we Raisin' up more plates than a grape buffet with calories of carbs she ate, just stay hydrated Core engaged, full motion range, heart rate elevated, FS: It's a going heart day, whatever's dealt you have got to cards play, Ain't an arcade, wear your belt when you go to start game, now you're in the bar cage, so let me see your war face. {YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME} [Chorus] RD/FS: It's step forward, step back, ripped horse gonna bring the force, Sets attacked, 'cause she's reppin' at it on the bench rack Wrench hard, test mettle far, gonna bend the bar, Spreaded back, keepin' up the tension on a slow eccentric Best score, best that, quest towards all the spoils of war, Headin' out to wreck the records with her tech then, Rest for, next practice, progressive overload, Progress track, check it, ever personal best at [Verse 2] RD: Speed it up now. Just in case you were nodding off I got to pop it I'll upend them at the drop of a pin when they hear the shot of the starting gun and I fin' but the opposition not even started on, wrought iron twisted with a sicker flow, the pegasus regular get to her cardio, all-in with the effort, this is her CALLING, yo, toppin' audio, supersonically AERONAUTICAL Never gonna be a quitter ever flex 'em, Wetter, call it sweater in my fitness mecca Better hit the leg, 'cause ya no chicken red bird Bet 'em I can clear it in a ten of seconds Metal grip a kettle, are you feelin' dead burned, Detonate the mental barriers, unfettered Hell or head to ocean, yet I never let up, every one the metrics are explodin', send the plyo to the letter FS: Get the fans all hysterical, cheerin' em, hear the foes jeerin' "no", I'm building Mass like I'm Kyriekos, here it comes, fear the empirical- -ly nearer swole, turgical, mare of gold in her miracle ritual in a COMPETITIVE SPIRITual where she roam {Cry of Kyriekos} Lifting the bar like I skip pay tab, Dropping the jaws when you hear plate clank, Shock, anabolic god lift weight stack, Got it on lock like a Kapakoulak This mare can work in adversity, persevere, hurt she bring Assertive Flutter, she 'bout to release the curse in me [Chorus] RD/FS: It's step forward, step back, ripped horse gonna bring the force, Sets attacked, 'cause she's reppin' at it on the bench rack Wrench hard, test mettle far, gonna bend the bar, Spreaded back, keepin' up the tension on a slow eccentric Best score, best that, quest towards all the spoils of war, Headin' out to wreck the records with her tech then, Rest for, next practice, progressive overload, Progress track, check it, ever personal best at [Verse 3] RD: Packed in the cannon, gun havin' a blastin' of Dash Rainbow the animal faster than rabbit or ammo so fashionable FS: In the midst of the victory, hers to be, first the hypertrophy, no reps in reserve, it seems, servin' the work complete {Saddle Rager scream} RD/FS: No matter what you do, set out to prove your full potential, carry it through, realize it's all intentional show the best of (You), the give a damn professional Mare, you can choose to make it all special. Here we go, we're flowin' at the source now (Cult of swole, you know that there's a war out,) Havoc sown, just growin' that pectoral, SO LET ME SEE THAT HORSEPOW' [Chorus] RD/FS: It's step forward, step back, ripped horse gonna bring the force, Sets attacked, 'cause she's reppin' at it on the bench rack Wrench hard, test mettle far, gonna bend the bar, Spreaded back, keepin' up the tension on a slow eccentric Best score, best that, quest towards all the spoils of war, Headin' out to wreck the records with her tech then, Rest for, next practice, progressive overload, Progress track, check it, ever personal best at It's Step forward, step back, ripped horse gonna bring the force, Sets attacked, 'cause she's reppin' at it on the bench rack Wrench hard, test mettle far, gonna bend the bar, Spreaded back, keepin' up the tension on a slow eccentric Best score, best that, quest towards all the spoils of war, Headin' out to wreck the records with her tech then, Rest for, next practice, progressive overload, Progress track, check it, ever personal best at // Songs referenced: // BGM - Calling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UUmJNyZOyo // BGM - Aeronautical: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc5U07neREk // BGM - Competitive Spirit: BGM - Competitive Spirit (ft. Deavas, RAInbow Dash) // Chuckles - "Gonna make it bro"/"Let me see that horsepow": https://u.smutty.horse/malmkyefzdy.mp3