x by Olibird 

https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/26167762/#q26231332
https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/26029095/#q26234579
https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/28508220/#q28512554
https://ponepaste.org/user/Olibird

---

>”A horse?! Are you seriously telling me you’ve hooked up with a fucking horse?!”
>Squeezing your eyes shut, your hand finds its way to your face.
>She’s going to lose it if he keeps going on like this.
“Dad, just shut u-”
>”Don’t you talk to me like that, boy! You brought an animal-that you’ve MOLESTED-into MY house, I’ll say whatever I damn well please!”
>Shit.
>Cracking an eye open, you look over at Nightmare Moon to see how she’s handling it.
>Her lips are but a thin line on her muzzle and her eyes are narrowed just the slightest bit.
>Ho yea.
>She’s pissed.
>To her credit, she hasn't done the spooky “imposing the cold entropy of space” thing yet, so she’s controlling herself rather well.
>Your father continues his tirade, having no idea just what kind of danger he’s putting himself in by insulting the God-Empress of Equestria.
>“I always knew there was something wrong with you. Would it kill you to act like your brothers, for once in your life? At least they’re normal!”
>Aaaaand it’s begun.
>”We see your sire is as crude as you once were, Ogre.”
>You can almost feel the frost coming off Nightmare’s words.
>”...If you think you’re going to disrespect ME, horse, then you can get your moon speckled ass and my horse fucker son out of my house!”
>The temperature noticeably drops with every word.
>”You speak of disrespect?” Nightmare’s hoofsteps accentuate her words as she approaches your father, her wings spread.
>“Perhaps you need to be educated as to who you speak ill of, mortal.”
“Nightmare! You promised!”
>She looks back at you, her barely controlled fury raging behind her eyes, begging you to let her kill him.
>It’s a look you’ve grown used to.
>’No murdering your family.’
>That was the one rule you got her to agree to, when she demanded you bring her to see your family.
>In retrospect, you should have said humanity annihilated itself in nuclear war when she told you about the portal… 

-
“Hang on, hang on, it gets even better!”
>Gesturing wildly with your egg sandwich-one of the closest things you can consistently get to human food-you continue your story.
“So, she’s scrabbling against the wall, and I’m slowly approaching her, doing the big hulking monster thing, and she looks back, and says, ‘Wait! If I give you what you want, will you let me go?’ and then she lifts her tail!”
>Across the dinner table, Nightmare spears a portion of her salad with a levitating fork, a smile dancing on her lips.
>”The mud pony believed her filthy nethers could tempt Our champion? We presume you paid the insult back in kind.”
>You hastily swallow the half-chewed bite you’ve taken.
“Even better! I made her think I was going for it! I said something like ‘good girl,’ grab her by her tail, and fumble with my belt a bit.”
>You pantomime the motions in the air in front of you.
“I give her a moment for the shame of what she’s doing to fully hit her, then I yank her down by that tail and slap the cuffs on her!”
>The Empress of Equestria cackles away, her worries of the ‘day’ forgotten.
>Right now, there’s no rebellion, no looming crop failure, no potential apocalypse if you can’t find Tirek before he gets the magic eating thing going...
>Just the strangest couple in Equestria, enjoying a nice meal together.
>...Yea.
>Helping her beat Twilight and company was the right choice.
>Her mirth vanishes at once, seemingly without cause.
>A normal Nightmare mood swing.
>”We wonder, Brute. Would you still retain your loyalty to us, were it a human mare tempting you, rather than a pony?”
>...What?
>Alright, you can see why the ‘other mares tempting you’ story could get her all insecure, what with her sister having always been held up as the epitome of beauty and all, but…

>Is she really stressing about something that, as far as you’re aware, is flat out impossible?
“Nightmare, there’s only room in my heart for one mare, woman, female of ANY species. And that room’s taken up by you.”
>If you’ve learned anything about reading equine facial expressions, then the look she’s giving you says she remains unconvinced.
>With a sigh, you go on.
“Nightmare, even IF another human somehow appeared, if they didn’t immediately pledge fealty to you, I’d kill them myself.”
>Yea, right. You killing anyone.
>That’s a laugh.
>You can’t even bring yourself to keep mouse traps armed.
>Still...she’d probably make you do it…
>You try to push that thought out of your mind before your stomach can start churning.
>After all, it’s like you mentioned earlier.
>It’s impossible.
>The only reason YOU made it to Equestria was a billion to one fluke.
>Giving you a small smile, her horn ignites, “So you say. Tell us, what do you make of this, Beast?”
>An old, faded photograph levitates over to you, her aura cutting out the moment your fingers touch it.
>Perks of being immune to magic.
>Glancing over the black-and white photo, you see it looks like some generic shot of a city.
“Um...I don’t know. Looks kind of like Manehattan to me.”
>”That is what we thought as well at first. Do you truly see nothing out of the ordinary?”
>Is this some sort of magic eye thingy?
>Noo, it can’t be, you aren’t even sure if ponies can DO those, with their silly prey eyes.
“Not really, no. I’m just seeing old city. Is it...uh...something to do with how much steam is coming out of the buildings? Is it actually smoke or something?”
>”Neigh,” With a tight lipped smile, Nightmare levitates a second photo over to you, just as faded as the first, “What about this one, Beast? Do you recognize it?”
>It’s just some boats on a crowded river, leading out of what you’d assume was the same city.
“Can’t say I do...” 

>You’re just about to ask what’s so special, when she launches into a little speech that the silly mare's obviously practiced earlier.
>”We cannot say We are surprised you do not, Ogre. The abnormality of the photographs eluded even Our careful gaze at first; We nearly disposed of them, believing they were the remnants of Our Dearest Sister’s experimentation with cameras, when they were first invented.”
>”However, in her sloppy, nigh illegible records, a consistent spelling mistake stood out from all the others. It gave Us pause, and forced Us to re-examine those pictures. Pray, look closer in the upper-left corner.”
>Squinting your eyes a bit, you peer at the specified corner, seeing some sort of statue.
>Wait a minute...is that…?
>No.
>It can’t be.
>You know Equestria has a statue that’s very similar-you must be imagining things.
“Nightmare...what was the spelling mistake?”
>”Our sister spelled Manehattan without the ‘e’.”
>Manhattan.
>Your arm holding the photo goes limp, banging against the table, the pictures slipping from your fingers.
“That’s the Statue of Liberty…”
>”We were correct in presuming these photographs are of your world, then?”
>Dumbstruck, you look at Nightmare, your jaw hanging agape.
“I...buh..yea. How did you...she...?”
>Vaguely, you recall making fun of people on the internet years ago, on Earth, when they said they ‘couldn’t even.’
>But damn if you can’t even, right now.
>”According to her archives, more than a century ago, Our Dearest Sister discovered a stable portal that leads to your world. We believe its presence assisted in your arrival.”
>”The records go on to say she spent a time pilfering your people's technology, until it became too dangerous to continue. Those photographs were taken by her agents.”
>You blindly grope at the table until you find your wine glass, your eyes locked on the photos, dancing between the two.
>That...that’s Earth.
>That's home.

>Yea, ok, you spent...years wanting to SOMEHOW make it to Equestria.
>But...once you made it here, you found there were a lot of things from Earth that you missed...like normal cuisine, for example.
>And proper electronics.
>...And being the ONLY member of your species isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
>Finding your glass, you gulp down its rather copious contents, setting it down with a thud.
>You’re still too flabbergasted to know how you should react.
>Hope? Fear? Giddiness?
“Alright...did she say why she decided it was too dangerous? Was the portal failing?”
>A servant appears out of seemingly nowhere and refills your glass before you’ve finished speaking.
>“Neigh. She halted operations over seventy years ago. According to your peoples calendar, it was the year One thousand, Nine hundred and forty-five.”
>The laughter returns in Nightmare’s eyes, “Pray tell Brute, is it true your people have not even existed for a paltry two millennia?”
“No, no, we...we counted backwards for a while. Don’t ask me why.”
>You chug your refilled glass as Nightmare chuckles.
>”It is fitting for such a BACKWARDS culture.”
>So, Celestia quit during 1945...oh.
>Cellybeans was terrified of nukes, wasn’t she?
>Like...anyone sensible should be.
>Still...that means you should be able to score a few points with your girlfriend, and make her feel like a big badass compared to her sister.
“I know why she stopped. It’s not ACTUALLY dangerous or I wouldn’t be here. We just made a weapon that used the same thing that powers her sun, so she must have gotten scared.”
>Nightmare lets out a short, barking laugh, devoid of any humor.
>”We knew she was naught but an honorless coward the moment she wielded the Elements against her own flesh and blood.”
>...Woops..
>With that, she returns to her salad, spearing the assorted greens with a vengeance.
>The two of you continue your meal in silence, the jovial mood thoroughly spoiled.

>One of these days, you’ll finally be able to accurately judge the unstable moonhorse’s reaction to everything.
>But that’s not today.
>Once she finishes her meal, Nightmare signals a pair of servants to replace both of your plates with dessert and coffee.
>She waits until your mouth is full to speak. 
>”We have decided. If this world is as safe as you say, then the two of us shall visit it on the overmorrow.”
>The moist, melting-in-your-mouth dessert somehow manages to lodge itself in your esophagus, sending you into a coughing fit.
>...That’s totally it.
>It has nothing to do with what she just said, nor the thought of her-the god-empress with a predilection for going Darth Vader on ponies-wandering around on EARTH.
>That’s not even touching on the fact that, as far as humanity’s concerned, she’s a fictional goddamn character!
>Gasping for air once your throat is clear, you blurt out,
“You’re joking, right?!”
>She raises an eyebrow, “We would think you would be enamored that We wish to grace your homelands with Our presence. Especially after the tales of valor, of wondrous inventions and brilliant peoples you’ve regaled to Us of that world..”
>You’ve always made sure to tell her the truth about Earth, right?
>Right!?
>... 
>You KNOW you didn’t mention that there’s a cartoon show about what would’ve happened if she lost.
>If she finds out about it, she's going to think you’ve been manipulating her this whole time to get under her tail. 
>Which…some would argue is exactly what you’ve done.
“I...that’s not the issue, Nightmare. You know I’d love nothing more than to show you where I came from. But...if we BOTH go, who’s going to run the country?”
>With a dismissive wave of her hoof, she doesn’t even look up from her food, “We would not suggest an excursion that Our schedule did not permit. There is nothing on the horizon that Our most trusted of ponies cannot handle.”

“And the rebellion? They’d probably run amok the moment they found out we both left Canterlot…”
>”Ogre, you are talking as though we will be gone for months, not for a paltry hoof-ful of nights! The empire is not so fragile as to collapse the instant We leave the castle!”
>She looks up, her eyes sparkling, “It is not as though We would need to worry about Our “cosmic duty’ of lowering the moon, either...”
>Great.
>She’s made up her mind.
>You can’t keep arguing about this without either pissing her off, or bringing up the fact that she’s not supposed to be real.
“Alright, alright, you win. Just as a fair warning, though, Earth has a lot of languages. Depending on where we show up, I might be just as lost as you.”
>She takes a sip of her coffee, “That is of little concern to us. We will simply relocate to a place that speaks your native tongue.”
>You turn to your food, your mind racing.
>Let’s see...maybe you’ll be able to convince her to disguise herself when you get there.
>Especially if it’s not going to be any sort of official visit.
>If not…
>You don't want to think about that
>”Besides…” Nightmare speaks up, pulling you back to the present. “If We are to make you Our king, it is only fitting that we meet the creatures that spawned you.”
>King?!
>Did...did she just propose to you?!
>Wait...
>What was that last bit?
>Creatures that spawned...
>... 
>Aaahhh!
“That’s a bad idea! That is a VERY bad idea, Nightmare!”
>She looks at you, her eyes narrowed just a tad, complementing the dangerous edge coating her voice, “We suggest you chose your next words carefully, Beast.”
“The...visiting my family? They’re uh...not the nicest people. In any way shape or form.”
>She snorts, any potential threat of violence vanishing.
>”You’re implying my sister is any better.”

>Well...you suppose your family didn’t exactly lock you in solitary confinement for a millennium, so she has a point there.
>Still...it’s not exactly like you were their favored child.
>She speaks again, her voice as warm and comforting as it can get.
>“Brute...we are no stranger to horrendous family. If they are as terrible as you seem to think, then we will abandon them to their short, sad lives. Perhaps even do to them, what you helped Us do to Dearest Sister.”
>She’s not going to take no to this.
>You can’t blow all your ‘political capital’ on this, if you expect to keep her from causing a panic.
>A mad Nightmare makes for a miserable you.
“Alright. But I gotta ask. Why do you want to spend our time visiting THEM, specifically? We could be doing any number of more productive things, like getting weapon technology, or...literally anything else.”
>”In truth, Ogre, morbid curiosity. We wish to see what kind of creatures could have created such a monster as yourself.”

-
>Apparently, overmorrow means ‘the day after tomorrow.’
>And when Nightmare gave it as a deadline, she MEANT it.
>You've never seen the wheels of bureaucracy turn this fast.
>Normally, it can take days or weeks for a decision to work its way through the castle and out to the government at large.
>Well...when you aren’t threatening to drag ponies off to the dungeon for being lazy or insubordinate, anyway.
>But when the Empress herself gets involved, all the red tape and reluctance “magically” disappears.
>Now, barring Discord’s return (again), the country could run autonomously for...well, you’d have to guess at least the next week.
>As you hang on to the side of Nightmare’s chariot for dear life, you can see the Lunar Guard is out in force, swarming the streets and skies of Canterlot.
>...Aaand now you regret looking down.
>If there’s anything that makes flying through the sky in an unsecured, wide open chariot even worse, it’s knowing exactly how very, very high up you are.
>Something touches your back, causing you to jump, your hands scrabbling against the side to keep whatever horrible monster it is from dragging you away.
>That ‘something’ turns out to be not so much “evil creature trying to drag you off to fall to your death” as much as it is “snuggly, warm, and keeping you safe.”
>Tearing your gaze from where your splattered corpse land if you fell out right now, you see the thing that caused you to jump out of your skin is Nightmare’s wing.
>Is she trying to hold you?
>That wing pulls you from your fetal position against the side of the chariot into Nightmare’s flank, threatening to plunge you to your doom should your fingers slip.
>”Whatever could be wrong, Troll? Have you developed a fear of heights?”
>...
>She’s kidding, right?
“Nightmare, there’s no back to this thing! And I’m the only one here without wings!” 

>Without lifting a hand from your white knuckle hold, you point at the pair of stallions pulling the chariot.
“If they screw up, I’m gonna die!”
>She frowns, her brow furrowing as any sort of mirth leaves her eyes.
>“You truly believe We would leave your well-being to chance? We would not have chosen this method of travel if there was even a possibility of you being injured...”
>She sounds like you had just insulted her sky.
>Worse yet, she didn’t use any sort of pet name.
>...She thinks you secretly hate her now, doesn’t she?
>Your stomach twists as that sinks in.
>Yep.
>Somehow, you having a completely sensible fear of falling to your death, because she doesn’t quite act like she gets how delicate mortal life is, means YOU’RE the asshole.
>You’d complain about that but...dammit, are those tears in the corners of her eyes?
>Why couldn’t she just get mad…?
>Then you could crack a joke about how Nightmare is earning her name.
>Pushing aside the fear still gripping you, you tear one of your hands from the side of the chariot and stroke over her furred cheek.
“Noo, I just...look, I’m just nervous that my world isn’t going to live up to your expectations. I might have hyped it up a bit. A lot. Not to mention my family…”
>I’m sorry for being mean to you, sweetheart.
>Her frown shifts, her lips curling into a sneer, “You wish to take your frustrations out on your Empress? To lie and embellish tales?! Perhaps we SHOULD let you fall! Your pathetic flailing on the way down would be most amusing!”
>She shifts her wing, causing you to cling to the chariot out of fear once again.
>...She’s just doing this as a show for the other ponies.
>Still doesn’t make it any more fun for you!
>Nightmare cackles before dragging you back to her side with her wing, a cold, predatory grin on her face, ”Doubt us again, Brute, and We will throw you from this chariot Ourself.”
>I forgive you, now give me a hug.

>Complying with her unspoken request, you pry yourself from the edge and entwine an arm around Nightmare’s foreleg.
>...So you can still hold on to something.
>After all, showing any sort of affection in front of other ponies would be anathema to her.
>You’re...still fairly certain that most ponies don’t even realize you two are in a relationship.
>That way there can’t be any rumors that ‘an ape monster from another world is the best the Empress can do because she’s so ugly and unlikable.’
>She lets you hold onto her leg until the chariot lands beside an inconspicuous cave-no markings, nothing covering the entrance…
>No hint that this place contains a gateway to another world.
>It makes sense, from what you’ve learned of Celestia’s odd brand of logic.
>There’s no reason to guard something if no one knows there's something that needs to be guarded.
>The fact that you two are here, unopposed, is proof of just how well that policy worked.
>”Come, Brute,” Nightmare stands, pulling away from your grasp as she leaves the chariot.
>Following, you just barely catch her giving the pair of thestrals that carried you here a nod.
>You’d see if she gave them any more praise, but you’re too busy pulling out your wallet for a last minute check.
>Following Nightmare’s large, purple rump as she enters the cave, you flip through the various cards you own.
>You’re so glad you kept them for nostalgia’s sake.
>...Huh.
>Most of these still haven’t expired.
>Well, that’s one major obstacle out of the way.
>Putting it away, you pat over yourself to feel the only other token you have from Earth.
>Your phone.
>The battery died real fast after your arrival, of course...but soon, very soon, you’ll finally be able to get it working again.
>Then you’ll get to have her drooling over it, like ponies did before she showed up.

>Once the light of the perpetually full moon has been replaced by the softer light of Nightmare’s horn, you hear the rustle of wings behind you, the only sign that your escorts are leaving.
>Which means the two of you are alone, now.
>Without much to concentrate on, you look over the armored form of your marefriend.
>Yep...she’s wearing her world-conquering outfit again.
>Probably not a good sign.
>But...it’s time for you to rip a particular band aid off, before she goes to Earth in full conqueror mode.
>...Even if she’s already halfway there, by just wearing her ‘I’m god and I’mma crush all who oppose me’ outfit.
“Soo...Nightmare? We need to discuss some rules.”
>She stops and looks back at you with an eyebrow raised, “YOU have rules for US to follow? Do you forget your place, Ogre?”
>Your place?
>She does remember this is YOUR world the two of you are going to, right?
“That’s...not what I mean. This is a world without magic, so...everything’s kind of backwards. I just want to keep the magic immune apes from panicking and getting violent when they see something they can’t explain.”
>She continues on in silence, the only sounds being the clip clop of her hooves echoing off the stone walls.
>It’s only once you’ve given up hope of a response, do you continue on.
“For example, the sun still exists there...and physics works differently. If you get rid of it, everyone’s gonna die. Including me.”
>That gets her attention.
>She stops cold and twists around, her face twisted into an evil, angry glare, her wings spread wide.
>“What are you implying, Beast? That my sister’s heresy has blinded yet another world? That We should allow that travesty to persist?! That We should bathe in its disgusting, blinding light?!”
>Ho boy.
>That crazed look in her eyes...yea, she’s losing it.
>This is a bad idea...you should have brought this up BEFORE you two were on the way out here.

>But...you didn’t get much of a chance in the past two days…
>And you CERTAINLY couldn’t have brought it up on the chariot, or Nightmare and you would have played ‘catch’ in mid air.
>Your back presses against the cave wall-you were backing away without realizing it.
“Nightmare, this sun was around long before Celestia was. In fact, Earth orbits IT, not the other way around. I told you, everything’s backwards. It has NOTHING to do with her.”
>Is it colder in here, or is it just you?
>. ..Yea, you’re already panting, the air’s definitely thicker.
>Her sides heave, not from the difficulty the little entropy aura she’s projecting is causing you, but from anger as she processes that information, the gears in her head churning through the muck of her hatred. 
>Slowly, her wings settle back against her side, even though that look of insanity, like she could start tearing you AND the mountain apart out of fury at the slightest provocation, doesn’t fade in the slightest.
>Through clenched teeth, she speaks, her tone screaming that she’s barely in control right now, ”What else do We need to be made aware of?”
“Well, ponies don’t exist there, so you may want to disguise-”
>”Neigh.”
>She whirls around and continues down the cave, moving just under a trot.
>The image of humans rioting as a real, live mythical being shatters the laws of physics in front of them runs through your mind.
>Worse yet, a few of those humans are drooling and trying to grope at their pony waifu.
>Shaking your head to clear those thoughts, you break out in a jog to catch up with her.
“No? You can’t just say no, Nightmare. Now listen to me for a second.”
>Without looking back, she spits out, “You ask us to tolerate that blinding abomination’s presence?! We would not consider it for even a moment had it come from ANYPONY else, Brute. We would clasp them in irons, perhaps even execute them for heresy! Make a public example of their temerity!”

>She pauses, her heavy breath hissing between her fangs as she seems to...try to get ahold of herself.
>“If We are going to endure being seared alive by the SUN for the sake of Our champion, then We shall do it on Our terms. With all Our royal beauty plain for all to see. You recognized Our splendor when you first laid eyes on Us. They shall do the same.”
>Her tone screams that this is not up for negotiation.
>Smartly, you shut up and instead focus on the fact that your breath is fogging in front of you, despite it being the middle of July.
>Maybe telling her she has to put up with the thing she hates most in the world wasn’t the BEST line to start with.
>But, given that she seems torn between screaming and crying right now, you doubt she’d go with it if you had saved that for last.
>Or worse, she’d toss you through the portal and close it in a fit of rage.
>She stops suddenly, facing the smooth rock wall.
>It doesn’t look any different than the rest of the cave, but Nightmare seems satisfied that this is your destination.
>“We will discuss any further REQUESTS of yours as they become relevant, Beast. Once your “nervousness” abates. Now come.”
>Her horn flashes, and the rock wall ripples like water.
>”Your world awaits.”

>Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes.
>Don’t think about how badly this could go…
>Think about what doesn’t exist here, that you’ll get to see again.
>Like TV! Properly prepared meat! And the internet!
>She’d probably squeal like a schoolgirl if you showed her pictures from the Hubble Telescope.
>The thought of her grinning away in wonder gives you the strength you need to place your hand on her withers and step through the portal together.
>You’re met with a blinding light.
>Dazzled, you squeeze your eyes shut, covering them with a hand.
“Aaahh! What IS that?”
>”That, my Brute, is the sun.” Nightmare speaks up next to you.
>The crazy horse’s misery seems to have evaporated-she almost sounds like she’s trying not to burst out laughing, “Now you know what We felt, every time Dearest Sister raised it.”