Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 7th, 2013
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>Day Soggy in Equestria
>Wake up to the sound of trumpets blaring and someone outside shouting
>Only catch half of it as you drag yourself out of bed
>"...And that is why you win!"
Uuuughuuuuuughuuguhuughugh.
>Sleepily walk downstairs, wearing only your boxers
>Throw open the door
Fuck's sake Fluttershy it's far to early for this shit
>Fluttershy regards you with a strange expression
>A royal guard speaks up nearby
>"You will do well to show her Highness proper respect!"
>Wipe your eyes
>Fluttershy turns into Celestia
Ahh shit. Sorry.
>She smiles
>"Quite alright, Anonymous. Did you get my message?"
>Look back inside your house
>Your blanket is strewn on the stairs, you dragged it with you while you were descending them.
>Look back at the smiling goddess
>Her teeth are too white. They need to be less shiny
>Too early to be dealing with rulers of the world knocking on your door
I have no idea what's going on, Celestia. Sorry.
>She sighs and shakes her head, a smile still plastered on her lips
>"A ship was recently built. It's maiden voyage will happen soon. Myself, my dearest sister, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and several other choice guests are all invited. Being the only human in Equestria and a good friend of mine, I would like to personally invite you!"
A ship.
>"Yes."
Maiden Voyage.
>"Correct."
What's it called?
>"Oh I picked out the name myself, a name to reflect it's majesty and size"
>You stare at her, dreading the answer which you know is coming
>"The Ponetanic!"
FUCK.

>Several days later you are being dragged onto a collossal ship by Twilight
>"ANON... WE HAVE TO... GO..."
>You dig your nails into the wood, carving it as you get dragged along by magic
NO. WE CAN'T. THE ICEBERGS.
>Applejack shakes her head
>"He's talkin' in tongues, sugarcube. Let's just leave 'em."
>Twilight shakes her head violently
>"Ooooh no you don't. Celestia personally invited him, Applejack! I can't leave him out here or the Princess will be heartbroken!"
>Rarity perks up
>"Twilight, dear. I hardly doubt the Princess of Equestria will be "heartbroken" by a single guest not attending! Let's leave him. It's what he wants! Just look at the poor dear."
>Your eye is twitching and you're lying on the wooden bridge onto the ship, muttering quietly
No... My heart will NOT go on that ship...
>Twilight shakes her head
>"I just don't understand! He's not scared of ships are you Anon? We went on a river-barge up and down Equestria once and you were fine!"
James Cameron was right. These are the end times.
>Twilight groans
>"We don't have time for this! Anon. You're getting on that ship or I swear to Celestia-"
>A heavenly glow appears above you all
>"You'll swear to me what, Twilight?"
>Twilight and her friends bow as low as they can
>You remain cuddled on the floor, muttering about how you won't be the king of the world until hell freezes over
>Celestia smiles and leans down to you
>"Come, my little Anon. I'll protect you from the scary ship"
>She levitates you with magic and places you on her back, Twilight giving you a jealous glare
>You don't care
>Celestia is warm
>Warm is good
>Wait, wasn't Rose warm before she fell in the Atlantic?
>IT'S A SIGN
>ABANDON PRINCESS
>Try to struggle but Celestia teleports
>Once you get over what you saw in the space between spaces during a teleport-
>(Horrible horrible things that no man should see)
>-You find yourself in a luxurous bedroom
>"Here we are, Anon! Safe and sound!"
Are we back in Canterlot? I don't remember your bedroom looking like this
>She wasn't joking when she said you were a 'good friend'
>You sly animal
>Booyah
>But now is not the time for Pretty Pony Princess Plot. It is the time for action
So where's the captain's steering wheel?
>Celestia smiles
>"I'll show you"
>She teleports you both to another room, with glass windows overlooking the deep blue sea
>It would be beautiful, were it not your future grave
>The captain and his crew are shocked to see the Princess and the Royal Assmaster pop into existence infront of them
Morning, Captain. I'm afraid we're setting a new course
>"Where to, sir?"
>You grab his head and turn it towards Canterlot Castle, which is a mere spec in the distance
>"But that's over land, sir!"
Exactly. NOW DRIVE.
>Celestia plucks your hands off his face and laughs
>"Now now, Anonymous, you'll be just fine."
>The Captain laughs
>"Is sir scared of the ocean, your highness?"
>She snatches the pencil out of your hands while you were in the middle of rerouting the maps to take the journey in a large circle around the bay then dock back at the same port
>"He's just nervous"
>She glares at you
>You glare back
>You once again teleport, this time into a huge ballroom with a massive ceiling, complete with chandelier
>It's an amazing construct, a complex formation of diamonds and lights
>"Beautiful, isn't it? We call it 'Rarity's Arse'"
>You nod slowly
>Stop
>Hold on
What?!
>"And this is where you'll be eating!"
>You follow her over to the tables
>Spot a bar in the corner with a fancy looking stallion manning it
>Walk over
Mornin'
>He nods
>"Mornin'. What'll it be?"
>You motion to the shelves stocked with booze
All that, please. In a bucket.
>Celestia once again appears at your side before he can do anything
>"Two whiskeys, please, Bartender"
>The barpony nods in reverence
>"Yes, your majesty"
>Two glasses are placed infront of you
>You down yours the moment the Barpony's hoof stops touching it
More.
>Celestia chuckles and drinks hers
Wait. Princess?
>"Yes, Anonymous?"
Why are you drinking? You're a princess. It's against the law for you to drink. Probably.
>She chuckles
>"Anonymous, you are not the only one who is nervous about this journey. I too need something to calm my nerves"
I'll drink to that. Barkeep! Give my that bucket I ordered
>Celestia drags you away from the bar and you both teleport back to her room
>She sits on the bed and eyes you while you pace the room looking for an escape
>She smiles
>"There is no escape, Anonymous"
You what
>"I said you need to relax. Come here, sit!"
>She pats the bed and offers a reassuring smile
>You hesistate, then sit
>Celestia places a hoof on your leg
>"Why are you so nervous? I'm here to protect you!"
Celestia, darling...
>You place a hand on the face and stroke her cheek
>She beams at your sudden show of affection
>Smile warmly
I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO LIE ON A FUCKING DOOR
>Jump off the bed and sprint to the door
>Throw it open and run like hell
>Celestia calls after you
>"Anon! Wait!"
>You turn a corner in the maze of a ship and keep running
>Suddenly a deafening blare sounds, confirming your fears
>You feel your body weight shift
>The ship is moving
>THE SHIP IS MOVING
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>Redouble your running and sprint down hallways, passing confused looking passengers and ship-hands
>You finally come to some grand looking stairs and run to the bottom, pushing aside some weedy looking stallion with a handsome face and a unicorn with a red mane
>Burst out of the doors onto the deck
>The port is drawing away, ponies waving to the ship as it goes
NOT TODAY, FUCKERS.
>Like the absolute MAN you are you hurl yourself off that fucking boat
>No icebergs for Anon!
>Hear the crowd gasp at your perfectly rational and logical decision
>The water stops moving
>You ponder this for a while
>Now it's getting further away
>That's not right. You're meant to fall down, not up.
>The crowd cheers
>Look at your hands
>You're surrounded by a blue aura
>Spin around in the air
>Luna is flapping her wings and grinning toothily at you
>"Huzzah! I have saved the Royal Clitoris Stimulator!"
>The crowd cheers loud
>You scream like a bitch
>Several minutes later you're sad around a table with the Mane 6 and the Princesses
>Luna is reciting the "glorious" tale
>"So when I saw that Anon had fallen off the edge towards his doom, I flew down and saved him! Allowing him to live and fondle the Royal Buttocks another day!"
>Your bedroom activities with Luna and Celestia are far too widely known by now
>The ponies around the table cheer
>Fluttershy is grinning at you
>"Oh Anon! I'm so happy you're safe! If you need comforting later on, you know where to find me..."
>You had forgotten about Fluttershy
>So now you're not only trapped on a doomed vessel, but you're stuck on it with a creepy pegasus who wants to fuck you
>You're no stranger to horsefuckery.
>The internet trained you well
>And also Celestia 10 minutes after you'd arrived in Equestria
>But Fluttershy smelled like a zoo. And conducted herself with the grace and elegance of a brick.
>You groan and hold you head in your hands
>Rainbow Dash consoles you and pats you on the back
>"Aww, it's ok, Anon. Everyone falls off a boat sometime in their lives, right?"
>She looks around
>Everyone is shaking their heads
>"Ok. Only you fall off boats. You should stop doing that."
>Groan even louder
>Celestia stands up
>"I have to go and check on the passengers and my other guests. Enjoy your journey, everyp0ny."
>With a flash of gold she's gone
>Luna also gets up
>"I have to masturbate."
>She walks off
>If Fluttershy's a brick, Luna is concrete.
>The other ponies disperse, except Fluttershy and Twilight
>Twilight speaks up
>"W-what was that about you... Fondling the Royal Buttocks?"
None of your business, traitor. Go to your room.
>She hangs her head and shuffles away, muttering.
>Fluttershy grins at you and flies over, taking the seat next to you
>"Oh Anon. Just you and me on this big romantic cruise... You know, a lot of couples have s-sex on these. So umm. If you have trouble finding anyp0ny, I could be your marefriend for the cruise"
Fluttershy. I've tapped the Royal Ass. Do you seriously think you can compare?
>She stares at the floor
>"L-looks aren't everything..."
>You get up and walk over to the bar, Fluttershy trailing behind
>Sit at the stool, soon to be your natural habitat until this ship inevitably sinks
Hey there, Barkeep. Name's Anon. You're gonna see me a lot around here
>"You got the bits?"
Oh yes.
>"Then welcome to the bar, Anon. Name your poison and I'll keep you supplied 'till the Princess drags you away again. You want that bucket now?"
I will actually suck you off if you give me a bucket filled with every alcohol you have.
>He grins
>"One liver failure coming right up"
>5 hours later you and the Barkeep are laughing like idiots
>"S-so then I tell him, what's the point in turning gay if you don't even like dick? What are you, from Canterlot?"
>You fall off your stool laughing
>Fluttershy, who had been there the entire time, watching you and funding your drinking, tries to help you up
>The Barkeep wipes a tear from his eye as you recover from your fall
Muh... More... Booze...
>He giggles and pours you another
>"By the way, Anon. The names Bluey."
Nice ta' meet ya', Bluey. Name's Anon.
>He facehoofs and goes to wipe some glasses down
>Fluttershy takes this oportunity to speak up
>"S-so Anon, now that you're drunk. Am I more attractive?"
>Look at her
>Why is there a horse talking to you
>Like, not even a pony
>A literal horse. Face and everything
>"Something wrong, Anon?"
>Pluck a sugarcube from a nearby bowl and hold it in an outstretched palm
>She licks it off and whinnies
>Start laughing your ass off again
>The Barkeep returns
Hey... Hey Bluey. Check out this horse, man.
>He looks at Fluttershy
>"Why, that cute little things been sat there all day, watching you drink, Anon. Why don't you pay her some attention?"
Aaaah phooey, Bluey. She's nothin' but trouble, this one. Would ya' believe me if I told you she tries to guess my fetish every mornin'?
>"Nope. But there's a story in there somewhere, go on."
>You begin your tale
So there I am right, sittin' in my chair at home, when this elephant pokes it's trunk through the window...
>4 more hours later
>You feel a splash of water on the back of your head
>Wake up with a gasp
>The Barkeep is shaking his head at you
>"Anon, I love ya as a friend. But Celestia-dammit, you've been at this bar for 9 hours. Go to your room and come back tomorrow when you're less tired"
Ama... Gonna go now...
>"Woooah, oh no you don't. You still need to pay"
How much do I owe ya?
>"39 bits."
Jesus. Well ok then.
>Pull out your bit pouch
>Pour bits all over the table
>"28... 29... Ya' 10 bits short, Anon."
Oh hell.
>Bluey bounces his eyebrows at you
>"So about that payment for the bucket..."

>You get back to your room number with 29 bits still in your pocket
>Your mouth tastes like honey
>You're not sure whether or not you were supposed to enjoy it that much
>Push open the door, which was strangely enough unlocked
>Fluttershy is lying on your bed
>"Hey there, sailor. Come to squab my poopdeck?"
>You fall facefirst onto the carpet and black out
>When you next wake up, you're still on the floor
>Fluttershy is cuddled up next to you
>Your door is still wide open and several ponies are giggling at you both
>"Shhh! I think he's waking up!"
>"Quick! Take one last picture!"
>You hear a couple of snaps before your incredible human endurance kicks in and you shock the onlookers with an amazing show of inner will
>You stand up then collapse again, letting loose a massive fart next to Fluttershy's face in the process
>She wakes up and screams
>Rainbow Dash and Applejack are in uproars
>Rainbow clutches a camera
>While she's on the floor screaming with laughter you stumble to your feet and rip it out of her hands, tearing out the film and eating it
>"Ohh man.. Wait, Anon you're not supposed to eat that! It could poison you!"
>She starts laughing again, Applejack joining her
If I die. I'm blaming you.
>You lumber to the en suite and throw up in the toilet
>Even your sick tastes of honey
>Still on the fence about that
>Is it a good taste or a bad taste
>Whatever you think, you're going to remember the Barkeep's room number. Just in case.
>After you finish in the bathroom you walk out, slightly more awake
>Fluttershy is running around wailing
>"Oh my goodness oh my goodness! The smell! It won't leave!"
>Rainbow Dash is unconcious from laughing
>Applejack still laughing so hard her face is red, has Rainbow slumped over her back
>"Ahm gonna go and get 'er back to 'er room, Anon. See ya'll around. Bye Fluttershy."
>You scratch your head and watch them go
>Turn to Fluttershy, who is sniffing and wincing everytime she does so
You ok?
>"N-no"
Good.
>Walk out
>Your walk around the ship lands you infront of a familiar looking room, a disgruntled Royal Guard is stood outside
>"Halt!"
No.
>"Okay..."
>You walk past him, patting him on the head as you go
>Celestia is on her bed, snoring slightly
>Look outside
>Sun is blazing, it's the afternoon
>What.
>Luna explodes from a nearby closet, holding a giant dildo in her mouth
>"HUVVAH! VI AV VOUNV V-"
>She spits it out
>"HUZZAH! I HAVE FOUND THE ROYAL-"
Please shut up
>She looks down meekly
>"huzzaaaaaahh..."
Better. Why is the sun in the sky when Celestia is asleep?
>"I raised the sun! They said I couldn't do it but I could!"
Who's they?
>"Celestia!"
Ok then.
>"So what are you doing here, Anonymous? Shall we partake in sexual activities again?"
No. I'm way too hungover for that
>She looks down at the floor sadly
>"Very well. We shall have to use this!"
>She levitates the dildo next to her
>It's the size of your forearm
Doesn't that hurt?
>"It does for the first hour, then it sort of feels good!"
>She skips out the room, past the bewildered guard and several guests, several faint at the sight of their beloved Princess of the Night carrying what you will now refer to as "The Homewrecker"
>Walk over to Celestia
>Prod her butt with a finger
>It sinks into the plushy meat
>Prod harder
>Celestia moans in her sleep
>"Oh... Chrysalis..."
OH DEAR. MY PANTS ARE GONE.
>She bolts awake
>"WELL THAT IS A SHAM- oh you were lying."
Yup. Get up, Celestia, you have a job to do.
>Celestia grumbles and gets out of bed, leaving a crater where she was led
Also, you may need a diet
>She glares at you
Just sayin'.
>She glares harder
I might tap that ass more if you did.
>She creates an apple out of thin air and starts chewing, smiling at you with a smug expression on her face
Cheater.
>You follow her out the room, past the guard
>On the way past, you stop and look at him
>He stares back with a vacant expression
>Pat him on the back
You're doing god's work, son. I don't envy you.
>Follow Celestia to the Captain's Bridge
>The Captain spins around and smiles
>"Good afternoon, your majesty! How did you sleep?"
>Celestia does that annoying kind of smile where she closes her eyes while she does it and cocks her head slightly
>Yeah, like the one you're thinking of now.
>"Quite well, Captain. Are we on course?"
>The Captain turn back to the wheel
>"Aye, that we are. Should reach our destination tomorrow!"
>You take note of that and suddenly become more interested
Tomorrow?
>"Aye, Royal Vagina Porker, tomorrow."
Well that's great!
>Things are looking up. Not that long of a cruise, and what could possibly go wrong between now and-

>4 hours later

FOR FUCKS SAKE ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SLEEP IN THIS WEEK!
>Ponies run around screaming as Celestia tries to keep order
>"Remain calm, Ponies! Head for the life-boats and don't panic!"
>You run through the ship, looking for a way out
>Passing through the ballroom you trip over a chair
>At that moment the ship creaks
>A low rumble rocks the vessel, and the chandelier falls towards you
OH MY GOD IT'S RARITY'S ASS.
>You roll out of the way and watch as it crumples to the floor, cracking the area it landed on before breaking through and falling to the layer before it
>Ponies below scream as Rarity's Ass crushes and mutilates the population the way down
>Shake your head
This ship's lost the plot.
>You turn your head and see a stallion staring at you
Bluey!
>Run over to him
Come on man, we gotta go! Follow me!
>He stares at you
>"No, Anon. I gotta go down with the bar"
NO BLUEY! NO!
>He shakes his head, tears streaming down his face
>"A good bartender never abandons his post. No matter how crazy the night gets"
>He looks up at you with sorrowful determination in his eyes
>He grabs both sides of your head with his hooves and pulls you into a deep kiss
>You lock lips with him for several seconds, listening to the screams of ponies down below suffering the wrath of Rarity's Ass.
>He pulls back and pushes you away
>"G-go, Anon. I got customers to serve"
>You turn tail and run, fighting to hold back the tears
>You decided that you liked the taste of honey.
>The ponies on the ship are screaming relentlessly
>They panic even and surge towards the lifeboats
>You steamroll your way through them, aiming to get your place on a lifeboat
>You pass a miffed looking sailor on the way out
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!
>He puffs on his pipe and speaks, somehow you can hear him over the screaming
>"Ol' Salty thought the coast was clear. Ol' Salty was wrong. Ol' Salty didn't see the iceberg"
>It's broad daylight. It's literally 4 in the afternoon.
WHO THE SHIT IS OLD SALTY?!
>The sailor nods to an old pony next to him
>The pony has 3 wooden limbs, no ears, and one eye, the other one heavily dilated and glazed over
YOU PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE CROWS NEST?
>"Equal opportunity society, boy. Ol' Salty's just as good as anyp0ny else. No need to be predjudiced against the old."
>You growl and carry on running
>The life boats are nearly all gone, ponies fighting for seats in them
>You run to one
I NEED TO GET IN! I'M THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND ON THIS SHIP!
>The custodian looks at you with a bored expression
>"Please wait in line and wait your turn on the Ponetanic Super Duper Happy Fun Lifeboat Ride. May your experience be a wet and wonderful one. Woo Hoo."
>Gawp at him
THIS IS COMPLETE MADNESS!
>Hear a scream behind you
>"THIS IS EQ- Oh dear I tripped"
>Fluttershy slams into you and you both fall off the ship into the murky depths below
>This is your worst nightmare
>James Cameron was right, about everything!
>The ship, the iceberg, the talking horses.
>WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN.
>You struggle to get back to the surface, the luke-warm water gently lapping around you thanks to the fact that the sea is closed off and the sun is shining down on you
>Fluttershy floats by on a large slab of wood
>"Oh Anon! It's so cold! Come on! Grab on!"
>Clamber onto the wood, but keep your lower half in the water
>You don't even care anymore
>The water is lovely.
>How the fuck was there even an iceberg?
>Goddamn magic.
>Fluttershy is silent
>You watch ponies drift by on lifeboats and sit on large pieces of driftwood, chatting happily
>Two foals swim by, splashing each other and laughing
>A beachball bounces off your head
>This fucking planet
>Fluttershy tries to make conversation
>"Soooo..."
Whatever you're going to say, I don't care. I stopped caring when I realised how stupid this whole situation is.
>"But Anon! We're all alone in the middle of the ocean with nothing but each other and the open sea!"
>You wave to some ponies swimming by
>You narrow your eyes and spot some islands in the distance
>Fluttershy goes on, saying about how she'll love you and you can live off seawater and love
>You've had enough of this
>See an object floating by
>Grab it
>Stare at it in silent awe
>The Homewrecker
>Grip it and tap Fluttershy, who's lost in her own little world
>"A-and then, we can have foals, right here on this driftwood, and-"
>COCKSLAPPED
>She falls backwards into the water
>You toss The Homewrecker into the ocean after her
>Lie back and soak in the sun
>Celestia eventually gets bored of the whole ordeal and uses her magic to lift everything, even the ship, into the air.
>She then takes flight, carrying and entire cruise liner and 2,000 passengers with their luggage back to land
>You don't argue. If she can lift the sun, she can lift this.
>This must be like early morning situps for her

>Now you sit on a beach, overlooking the remains of the ship lying in the bay
>The passengers are happy that they were saved, and are now giggling and playing around in the sand
>You? All you want is a drink
>Feel a tap on your shoulder
>A brown stallion hands you a drink
>Take no notice of him but accept the drink
>One sip and your mind is blown
>You drop the drink and gag
My god, how strong was that?
>Lick your lips
Tastes like...
>Turn around and look at the stallion
...Honey
>Spend the rest of the day having gay sex with a bartender in a hotel bedroom
>It's better than nothing
>Could be worse
>Could be
>Fucking Fluttershy.

The End