Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 11th, 2013 --- >Day 41 in Equestria >Well, Night 41, actually. >You are Anon >And you have a problem >Not a normal problem, like money, or good looks. >Not tax pressure or a physical disability. >No, you have a much worse problem >You stand by your bedroom window with a baseball bat, quivering slightly >You didn't really want to believe it at first >But unfortunately, you had to be the only alien in this world. >And for some bizzare reason, some ponies found you attractive >Very attractive >You've got Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness. She's problematic, but managable. Her timid nature can be used against her every time she tries something. So that's ok. >Pinkie Pie also likes you, but respects your decision as a friend so she keeps her distance >Hell of a nice pony, that Pinkie. You would probably date her were it not for your biggest problem >You kind of wish it was Twilight Sparkle. At least she's less awkward, less obsessive (sometimes) and by far less powerful >But nope. >It had to be you >It had to be her >At that moment the window you're stood next to shatters and a giant blue object crashes into your bed >"HUZZAH!" >WHACK. >You stand back and admire your handiwork >She's out cold. Again. >You've come to expect her every night around this time. You'd think she would learn, being a literal Goddess. >But nope. >You are Anon. >And Princess Luna is obsessed with you. >You sit down on your crushed bed and sigh, patting the alicorn on her head >Your hand moves through her mane and you burn yourself on a star >Fucking stars >Why don't they burn everything they touch? >Luna's tongue is hanging out of her mouth in a comedic fashion, some dribble flowing off it and onto your bedsheets >Smelling the air, you can tell that she's been thinking of you >Mostly because she left a trail of pastasauce and discharge on the way in >You stand up and prop your trusty bat against the wall >Given it's only use in this world, you've taken to calling the study piece of wood "Nightbane" >Cool name. But it got it purely because it's helped you foil night after night of Luna's amazing plans >You just hope she stay out of it tonight. It was a rough day >You got coerced into helping Fluttershy and her animals >She took every opportunity she could get to try and muddy your pants >Once you were covered from head to toe in every kind of animal food and shit, she said you had to take your clothes off >In her bedroom >Then clean all the dirt off your dick by rubbing it on her >Honestly, she just doesn't even try to hide it anymore. >You told her to throw herself in a fire and walked out >Then you swaggered your way through town covered in the foulest substances in existance, and nary a shite was given that day >Then nightfall came, and just as you were about to go to sleep you realised what time it was >30 minutes of waiting, but it was worth it to take Luna out of the picture >You pat her on the back, her body still sprawlled spread-eagle on your bed >You didn't worry about hurting her >Alicorn skulls are like diamond, can't break 'em. >But for some reason you can still inflict enough brain trauma to knock them out >Though you sometimes wondered if it was possible to damage Luna's brain any more than it already was >Heh. >Zing. >You shift Luna's body onto one side of the bed, on top of the covers. >You get underneath them on the other side of her Night, Luna >She replies with a snort in her unconcious state >Is she even knocked out or sleeping? >Fucking Alicorns >You quickly fall asleep to the gentle sound of Luna's breathing >Morning >Wake up >Look to the right >A letter lies where Luna was led >As usual >Pick it up and lazily read it >"Dear Anonymous. I apologise on my Sister's behalf for her perplexing behaviour. I hope this matter can be resolved in the not-to-distant future" >"PS: I'm getting sick to death of dragging her back to Canterlot. Your window is far too small for my Royal Behind." >You look at your window >Completely spotless, as usual. >Like the whole thing never happened. >Celestia is great at cleanup >Walk downstairs, yawning >Before you can even pour yourself cereal someone knocks on the door >Sigh and go to open it >Fluttershy stands behind it, a worried look on her face >"Anonymous! Oh my goodness, you have to help! Angel bunny is being attacked by a bear!" You're the animal expert. You deal with it >"O-oh... Umm. I can't. I've gone b-blind..." >You don't even grace that with an answer >Look behind you and see Angel on the ground, covered in Ketchup. >You know that it's ketchup because the bottle is right next to him >Harry the Bear is stood over him, reading glasses on and holding a small book >Wave at them Hey, guys. Whatcha readin', Harry? >"ROOAOOOOARRrrrawwr..." History? Nice. >Fluttershy takes up your vision >"S-see! Oh dear! Save Angel! B-but give me your shirt. You don't want to get any of Harry's blood on it!" >Push her out the way and walk over the Harry >She squeals in delight >"D-don't hurt him too much, Anon!" >Get to Harry, who still has his reading glasses on. He's using a single claw to turn the pages on his tiny book >It's amazing. Hey, Harry. You're cool for today, you can head on home now. >He nods, pats you on the head and lumbers back to Fluttershy's cottage >Angel points at Fluttershy and shrugs I'll send her your way after I'm done with her, go on. >He chirps in approval and scampers after Harry >You turn to Fluttershy >"Oh, Anon! You were so-" >You punted her in the general direction of her cottage >You shield your eyes from the sun and watch her flight >Strain your ear when she's out of sight >A distant splash is heard, indicating that she hit the stream outside her cottage >Probably >You grunt in approval and walk back inside to eat your breakfast >Whilst doing so a newspaper gets pushed through your letterbox >Go over and pick it up, bringing it back to the table >Frontpage: >"STUDIES SHOW THAT ALICORNS AND HUMANS PRODUCE LIQUID GOLD DURING INTERCOURSE" Oh boy. >"Princess Luna stated that her continued studies of the mysterious ape, Anonymous, have led her to the conclusion that when Ho'monkdiq is placed inside an Alicorn, magic happens and liquid gold is the result" >"The Princess also had this to say: 'I think that Anon and I should have sex. It could save the economy'" Shocking. >You throw the paper in the bin and carry on munching >It's only a matter of time until the- >A scroll materialises next to you >-Letters arive. >You open it >"Greetings, Human Anonymous. I, Princess Luna am here" >You rip it up and carry on eating in silence for a few more minutes >Another letter flashes into existence >"Greetings?" >Torn up and binned >You finish your breakfast >Walk over to the sink to clean your bowl >Another scroll pops up >Catch it before it falls into the dirty water >"Please respond." Nah. >You ball it up and throw it into the bin on the way out the door >Walk down the road to Ponyville and Sugarcube Corner >Pass a strange looking bush on the way there, a wavy blue mane sticking out of it. >Think nothing of it >Hours pass, and you do your duty - Making cakes and other sweets with Pinkie Pie >She keeps her distance because she's such a good friend who understands and appreciates you >Nigga you smitten >Fuck off, brain. >Nothing eventful happens, however, save for finding Fluttershy in the oven >When you take out a baking tray with her on it, she's dark brown and smells delicious >"Is cooking your fetish?" No. Get out of my cookies. >She runs out of the room >You shake your head and carry on working >The shop closes up for the day and you go to get your payment >Pinkie Pie holds out her hoof, a small sack of bits resting on it >"Here you go, Anny!" >You take it with a smile Thanks, Pinkie. >She beams at you >"Wanna lick whipped cream off my pinkie pie?" Haha. No. >Run your ass out of there before your dick betrays you >Gotta stay strong >You get home and lock your door, then you lean against it and sigh >A few moments pass where you reflect on the day >As you settle down to read for the night, a loud thump is heard upstairs Oh god. >Another thump, followed by a muffled "HUZZAH!" OH GOD NO. SHE'S LEARNING >Run upstairs into your bedroom >Luna is on your bed, looking incredibly pleased with herself >"HUMAN ANONYMOUS! I tried to send you letters but you didn't respond! I assumed you were busy fighting dragons." >She grins toothily >"Did you fight many dragons?" Were you following me today? >"Yes! You noticed me!" >She starts bouncing around, saying "HUZZAH!" on each bounce >This pony rules Equestria >THIS PONY RULES THE FUCKING- Look, Luna. Stop. >She stops and smiles at you >"I have all night! What activities would you like to partake in?" Fun little game, it's called "race you to Canterlot". I'll meet you there. Ready? GO! >She explodes >Like, literally explodes >Luna goo covers the entire room >You stand in shock for a moment, watching red sauce slide down the walls >Sniff >Smells like pastasauce >A scroll pops into view next to your head >You grab it and open it >"I AM VICTORIOUS!" >Look back around the room, which is a complete mess after Luna's Spaghettiport >Your entire front is covered in Ragoo, as well >You groan and take off your clothes, hopping into the shower >The warm water washes over you and cleanses you of Luna's liquid awkwardness >Lean against the wall with a hand >Sigh deeply and shake your head Why me... >Luna's hooves massage your back and work out some of the tension >"Is this satisfactory?" Yeah, it is. Thanks, Luna. >... ... >"..." >Turn around >Luna smiles at you, soaking wet from the water, bits of pasta sauce still floating in her mane as if gravity doesn't apply there >Blink >She prods your junk with a hoof and lets out a barely audiable "huzzah!" >Blink again >Decide on a plan of action >Scream like a girl >You run out of that bathroom completely naked >Luna, startled by your sudden escape, can't decide on what she wants to do and runs into your bathroom mirror, shattering it with her horn, wailing all the while >You run downstairs, trying not to slip because of your still wet feet >Hear a cry from the top of the stairs >"ANONYMOUS, WAIT! I SHALL ASSIST YOU!" OH GOD DON'T ASSIST- >Too late >Another Spaghettisplosion marks the arrival of Princess Luna - Goddess of the Night and Queen of the Dreamscape. >Your living room is now caked in red, tomato tasting sauce WHY?! >"WE... UHH... I MEAN- I THINK. WE COMMAND YOU TO-" >She can't speak properly >You gawp at her as she tries to find words >Eventually she just shuts her mouth >Smiles at you >And nods her head enthusiastically in your direction, as if you were meant to understand it >You run into your kitchen, slipping and sliding on your floor, which is now ankle deep in Dolmio >Luna tries to follow you, but instead just slides after you on her face >She crashes into your legs from behind and you land on her back >She instantly pops a wingboner so hard a small sonicboom breaks your expensive china and kitchen window >"HUZZAH! THE HUMAN ANONYMOUS HAS INITIATED SEXUAL ACTIVITIES!" WHAT? NO! >"WE SHALL NOW DEPART TO CANTERLOT TO PROCREATE AND CONTINUE THE ROYAL BLOODLINE!" OH GODDESS PLEASE NO >Her horn crackles with terrifying power and the front wall of your house detonates, sending wood and stone everywhere >Fluttershy, about to knock on your door, has a heart attack and assumes the Possum Position >Luna's wings flex and she takes flight, you clinging to her neck for dear life >Luna shouts over the wind >"ANONYMOUS! I AM PLEASED THAT YOU HAVE ADMITTED YOUR PASSION FOR ME, TELL ME, WHAT SEXUAL POSITION SHALL WE ATTEMPT FIRST? I HAVE MANY BOOKS, SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS OLD, ON THE TOPIC OF SEX." FOR FUCKS SAKE, LUNA, I WANT TO GET OFF! >"YES! AND WE SHALL IN DUE TIME, LOVER! OH MY. WE MUST ALSO TELL MY SISTER OF THE GOOD NEWS!" YOU'RE INSANE! >"I WAS IMPRISONED FOR A THOUSAND YEARS! OF COURSE I'M INSANE!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >You soar through clouds at a speed that would make Rainbow Dash blush >Eventually Luna hits a speed so high the air itself rearranges it's molecules to become the exact chemical consistency of Pastasauce, erupting in a collossal explosion of red in the evening sky >You feel sorry for any pony underneath it >Canterlot Castle draws closer and Luna shows no sign of stopping >Your throat is sore from screaming and shouting over the wind LUNA! SLOW DOWN! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH! >She looks back and grins, her eye twitching >"WE CANNOT STOP, ANONYMOUS! THERE ARE NO MEANS OF SLOWING DOWN ON THIS JOURNEY!" LUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAA- >You both crash into Luna's bedroom through the wall >Luna's Alicorn skull smashed into the wall like a bulldozer >You kept your head low to prevent any pieces of rock from crushing any bones >Fortunately you survive unscathed >Unfortunately you survived. >You look around at Luna's room >Pictures of you adorn the walls, including a very recent looking one of you looking straight at her, you see leaves all around the camera lens >Oh. That was today. >Luna smiles at you >"And now! We procreate! The Royal Bloodline won't continue itself!" Fuckin' A. >You spend the rest of the night getting raped over and over again by the Goddess of the Moon. >Biology also flips you the bird and she ends up pregnant >The creature she eventually gives birth too marks the end of civilisation in Equestria. >It's very existence is so chaotic and such a sin against nature that the seal on Discord's prison is shattered and he returns, angrier than ever >This time he doesn't bother with any mind games, he just flat out destroys the elements of harmony >Unable to stop him, Twilight and Celestia surrender themselves and he uses their bodies as puppets to reenact old Shakespeare plays like Hamlet and Macbeth >They're actually really convincing performances. The critics love them. >Oh and in case you were wondering >Luna called the abomination Dave. >Fucking Dave. The End