Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 18th, 2013
---

>Day Education in Equestria
>Wake up
>Groan at the sunlight hitting you in the eyes
>Move a hand over your face to stop the burning
>Sit up
>Look around your room
>Papers and books are everywhere
>Kick off the covers and go to have a shower and a shit
>Shaving be damned
>You walk downstairs, stroking your stubble
>Pour some Lune-O's and cover them in milk
>The milk turns dark blue and you can see sparkles in it
>Shit, that's awesome.
>Gulp the entire bowl down and burp
>Stand up and go over to the door to begin your no doubt thrill-filled rollercoaster ride of a day
>Before you reach it, you hear a knock
>Open the door
>Look down
>Cheerilee stands there, beaming at you
>"Good morning, Anonymous! I hope I'm not bothering you, am I?"
Nope.
>"Good! Well, I have a bit of a problem, I was wondering if you could help me!"
>Uh oh.
>"See, my father... Was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual, mommy got the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that."
>She leans forwards slightly and narrows her eyes
>"Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?'"
>She takes a step forward. You take a step back.
>"He comes at -me- with the knife! 'WHY SO SERIOUS?'"
>She's now glaring at you, and you're shitting your pants
>"Lets put a SMILE on that face!"
>She smiles malevolently at you
>"Aaaaand..."
>You whimper
>"...Can you watch the kids today?"
FUCK.
>You are Anon.
>Substitute teacher

>"Pleeease? I would really appreciate it, and you're the only pon- uhh, Human in town with a backbone strong enough for the kids!"
Why can't you ask Twilight?
>"We... Had a falling out."
Over what?
>Cheerilee grumbles. You pick up the words "cheating bitch" in there though.
Well what about Fluttershy? She's great with kids.
>"She's also stupid. Come on, Anon. You're the smartest guy in town! Could you just watch the kids whilst I attend to some things?"
Where are you even going?
>At that moment, a giant white Pegasus covered in muscle lands next to you both, shaking the ground as he lands
>Cheerilee gets on his back
>She puts on some sunshades
>Draws a crossbow
>And puts on a Fedora
>"I've got vampires to slay."
>She slaps the Pegasus' ass and he takes flight 
>Watch them go
I fucking hate this town.
>You walk back inside and grab some supplies, paper, pencils, quills and ink.
>Stomp across town and towards the school house
>Reach the playground
>Fillies and Colts are playing and laughing
>Sigh
>Maybe this won't be so bad
>Some prissy looking filly wearing a shit crown points at you
>"Eww! That monkey is here! Where's the teacher?!"
>Walk over to her
>Grab her mane
>She squeals and screams
>The other kids watch you, mouths agape
>Kick open the door to the school
>Throw the bitch in
>Turn around and scream at the top of your lungs
CLASS IS IN SESSION!

>You glare at the class
>The class glares back
>Sniff
>The narrow their eyes
>Turn your back
>A paper ball hits the back of your head
>You hear giggles
>Spin back around
WHO DID THAT?
>Silence
WHICH ONE A' YA'LL DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?
>Point at some bucktoothed ingrate sat at the front who's holding a camera
WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YOU SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHER FUCKER?
>"N-no, sir!"
Oh, well alright then.
>Smile
>Pat him on the head
Good boy.
>Turn back to the blackboard and scribble your name
My name is Anonymous. And today I will be your teacher whilst Cheerilee is away.
>A fat colt at the back raises his hoof
Yes, you, the fat kid at the back.
>His face falls a bit, but he recovers and speaks up
>"What's Ms Cheerilee doing?"
Fighting Vampires.
>He blinks, then raises his hoof again
>"What's a Vampire?"
Edge personified.
>You clear your throat
Now! Are there any more questions before we begin?
>Sweetie Belle raises her hoof
Yes, Sweetie Belle?
>"What's a shlong?"
You'll find out when you're older.
>Open the brown envelope in Cheerilee's desk that she left you
>A note falls out
>"Hello, Anonymous! Here is the lesson plan. Hope all goes well! ~ Cheerilee"
>You look at the lesson plan
>'Sex Education'
Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. You're older.
>The class "ooohs" at the topic you scribble on the board
>A grey filly in glasses raises her hoof
Yes?
>"I already know about sex! My dad taught me everything there is!"
>She smiles smugly at you
>You gawp at her
Well ok then. Enjoy your future career as a prostitute.
>"What's a prostitute?"
God's gift to men.
>Another pony at the back raises her hoof
>She's wearing jam-jar glasses and a propeller hat
Uhh, yes?
>She clears her throat and speaks in a squeaky voice
>"Umm, w-will you be demonstrating?"
Hell no.
>"O-oh... Okay..."
>You shake your head and look back at the rest of the class
>Bitch-Pone and Grey-Slut are chattering
>The fat kid is eating an entire cake. Seriously. There is an entire birthday cake on his desk and he's eating it.
>Applebloom and Scootaloo and making paper aeroplanes
>Sweetie Belle is drawing pink dragons on her paper
>Rub your temples
EVERYONE BE QUIET!
>The class falls silent
>Bitch-Pone giggles
>Throw a book at her
>It hits her square in the face and she almost does a backflip from the force
>Scootaloo bursts out laughing
>"Oh my gosh you're the best sub EVER!"
>The rest of the class eagerly agrees
>Fat kid cheers over his cake
Right. Sex Ed. Uhh, I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'll try.
>Clear your throat
So-
>The propeller-hat pony raises her hoof
>"C-can we see your dick?"
>The class cheers
>"Yeah! Show us your dick!"
>They all pause
>Then all raise their hooves
...Yes?
>"What's a dick?"
Zeus help me... Look, I'm about to explain that-
>A pony at the front raises his hoof
OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
>He smirks
>"Allow me to explain to the class since you CLEARLY don't understand the intricate workings of the Equine body"
>He saunters over the Sweetie Belle and takes her hoof in his
>He looks over his shoulder at you, still wearing a shit eating grin
>"This... "Creature", clearly doesn't understand true beauty of the mare form..."
>He kisses her hoof
>You walk over to him
>Pick him up
>"Ugh! Get your filthy hands off me, you sub-equine monster!"
>Walk over to the cupboard at the other side of the room
>Place him inside
>"My father shall hear of this, monster!"
>Walk over to Bitch-pone
>Pick her up
>Put her in there with him
>Shut the cupboard door
>Push it over so that the doors are against the floor
>Dust your hands
>Walk back to the front of the class
>Lick your teeth
Will there be any more interruptions?
>No one moves
>Fat kid coughs
What was that, Chubs?
>"N-nothing, sir"
Good.
Now. We're going to learn how horse sex works. And you're going to like it. Am I understood?
>Everyone nods
>The propeller hat pony shudders
>She's awfully big for her age
>You draw a crude dick on the blackboard
>Wait, shit. That's a human dick.
>You brush it off and draw a horse cock instead
>Stand back
>Much better
>Turn to the class and point at it
What do you think this is?
>Applebloom raises her hoof
>"Oh! Oh! A plow!"
Well no, it CAN plow, that's not what it's called.
>The Cutie Mark Crusaders put their heads together and start guessing to themselves
>Grey-Slut calmly raises a hoof
Yes?
>"It's a Custard Cannon. That's what my dad calls it"
You really have no shame, do you?
>"Nope."
Yeah, sure, whatever. It's a custard cannon.
>You draw a vagina next to the dick
Who can tell me wh- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
>Propeller-hat pone is spreading her butt cheeks and waving her rear at you
>"I-is it this, Anon?"
>You notice that she's got a piece of paper sellotaped over each flank, with the words "plz ignore" written on them
>She's also leaking all over the desk
>The kids "Woah" quietly
Get the fuck down and shut up, you cretin.
>The pony gets down and sulks
>Shake your head
It's a vagina. The custard cannon goes in the vagina. Any questions?
>Everyone raises a hoof, including the propeller hat pony
>Point at Chubs
>"When's lunch?"
>Throw a book at him
>Point at Grey-Slut
>"Wanna have some fun after class?"
>Give her the middle finger
>Point at Applebloom
>"Do ya like Apples?"
>Throw an apple at her
>Once you're done answering questions, half the class has concussion and the other half are hiding under the desks
>Hold a book over your head, ready to throw
ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STUPID FUCKING QUESTION?
>The propeller pony raises her hoof shakily
>"A-are classrooms your-"
>A copy of "Mathematics for Foals" hits her straight between the eyes
>You hear screaming from inside the closet
>”GET THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!”
>”No.”
>"[Screams Externally]
>Sit down on a stool
>It breaks under your weight
>Sit among the shattered remains of a stool
>Scootaloo raises a hoof
Yes... Scootaloo?
>"Will you be teaching us tomorrow?"
Depends if Cheerilee survives.
>"I-I like you teaching... You don't take crap from no pony!"
>Manage a smile
Glad you like me, I guess.
>Someone prods your shoulder
>Look over
>Chubs, sporting a large black eye, trembles as he offers you a slice of cake
>Gingerly take it and bite into it
>Chew slowly
>This cake is really good
>Smile at Chubs and ruffle his hair
Thanks, Chubs
>"M-my name is Stuffed Cheeks"
Are you serious? What's your talent, eating?
>"No, it's Molecular Biology"
>Holy shit.
>You stand up and rub your stubble
So. Did any of you learn anything today?
>A filly with book shaped mark on her face groans
>"D-don't ask stupid questions"
>A colt with a bloody nose and a nervous voice squeaks
>"Don't be a smart-flank"
>Applebloom sits up, Apple chunks and juice mixed with blood all over her face
>"Don' go bein' silly,  an' think before ya speak"
>Nod proudly
Well done, all of you. Bloody well done.
>Place your hands on your hips
I think this was a pretty successful first day!
>A voice from the back of the class calls out
>"I think Glitter Ball needs a doctor!"
>Grin
Class! New lesson plan! We're going to learn first aid!
>Look down at Chubs
Chubs!
>"Yes, boss?"
>Chuckle darkly
Get me my stabbing pencil.
>One classroom surgery later, you send the kids home
>Watch with a weary smile as they help each other out the door, groaning and wincing in pain
>Scootaloo supports Appleboom whilst carrying Sweetie Belle on her back out the door
>Grey-Slut winks at you on the way out, and drags some random kid round the back of the school where no one can see
>The propeller pony walks out and winks at you as well
>With her vagina
>Absolutely Disgusting
>Lastly, Chubs walks out, but stops next to you
>He looks up
>"When I'm older, I'm gonna find you and dissect you for science as payback for today"
>Smile and pat him on the back
Kid, with an attitude like that, you'll go far in life. Have a nice evening
>He smiles
>"You too, future experiment."
>He walks past you
>Trip him up with a foot
>He rolls down the hill, cursing your name the whole time while he speeds into Ponyville like a sentient katamari
>You pull the door shut and lock it, making sure you have everything before heading home.
>Being a teacher is great.
>Be Diamond Tiara
HELLOOOOOOOOO?! Any pony gonna let me out of here?!
>Sit back down and huff
>A hoof strokes your leg
>Tense up
>Hear a voice in the dark
>"How about I show you my custard cannon, baby. We got aaaaaaall night."
>[Scream externally - internally]

The End