Originally uploaded to Pastebin: April 11th, 2013 --- >Day Anger in Equestria >You are Anon >Royal chef >Be screaming at your staff WHAT IS THIS?! >You grab a fist-full of mushy potatoes and hold it up to them >The ponies at the front shrink back slightly WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? MASHED POTATOES? >One of the cooks steps forward and shakily nods >"I-It's for P-princess Luna, sir" >Hurl the mash at him >It hits his face and he stumbles back, screaming and trying to get the mash out of his eyes >Turn to the rest of them WHICH CUM-GUZZLING FOAL FIDDLER THOUGHT IT WAS a GOOD IDEA TO FEED MASHED POTATOES TO ROYALTY?! >A stallion at the back raises his hoof >Pick up a pan of boiling grease and toss it at him >The stallion, as well as several others before him, drop to the floor and writhe in agony as the grease burns them >Sigh and turn to your second-in-command Well, at least you don't do stupid shit like this, Windy. >Windy, a short, scared looking white stallion laughs nervously >Narrow your eyes Windy. Is there something you need to tell me? >He shakes his head and takes a step back N-not at all, Chef Anonymous, sir. >Turn to face him and bend forwards, pushing your face against his >Extend a finger and wipe it on his ear >He flinches and closes his eyes >Look at your finger, now covered in red sauce This better not be what I think it is, Windy. >He trembles in fear >Slowly lick your finger, your eyes fixed on him the whole time >The moment your tongue touches the sauce, your blood rises in temperature and you feel insanity taking hold >Ketchup. >"Well, Anonymous. I just don't know how you do it." >Celestia looks around at the kitchen >Bits of pony adorn the walls >Windy lies on his back on a grill, several knifes poking out of his chest in what appears to be a ritual sacrifice >A pile of dead bodies in sat in the corner, and a decapitated head has been hollowed out and turned into a jack-o-lantern, merrily burning away at the entrance to the kitchen >"15 good cooks, gone!" >She frowns at you >You shrug Honestly, this is just as much your fault as it is mine. >"...How?" >Stare blankly at her for a moment Can I have some more cooks? >"Well that's not up to me, Anon. This is the second time this has happened. I don't think ponies will want to work in your kitchen anymore." Not my fault none of them can cook for shit >"You could TRY to contain your anger for once." Nah. It feels good to vent. Anger makes me creative >Pull a plate out of a nearby oven Here, I made this after the massacre >You hand her a small white plate with a delightful looking treat resting on it, covered in sugar, strawberry jam and cream >Celestia squeals and chomps on it >Scratch her ear while she chews >Her back leg wiggles slightly and her wings unfurl >God damn horses >"Anyway, I'll put up an advertisement for new staff. What's for dinner?" You'll get what you're given, you pest. Now get the hell out of my kitchen. >You slap two pans together and make "OOGA BOOGA" noises while you chase the goddess out of the kitchen >She stops just before the door and steals an entire bag of sugar GOD DAMMIT! >You hear Celestia giggle madly as she runs through the doors and back to her room, no doubt to engorge herself on raw sugar >It's a miracle she isn't fatter >A week goes by >You silently make food and mope >You miss being able to scream at people >Or ponies. Either one works >You trained under the most angry chefs in the world back on earth >Ever since you were little you dreamed of having your own team of chefs to abuse and shout at >But what is a chef without his team? >A miserable pile of non-anger >Sigh >Hear voices outside the kitchen >Your heart flutters >Even if it's not a new crew, you can still shout at them >You search frantically for your largest cleaver and hold it above your head, ready to run screaming at the unfortunate sod to walk through those doors >Celestia barges through, followed by 6 ponies >"Anonymous! I have found you some helpers!" >You blink a few times Help...eeeerrrrr? >"Oh knock it off, Anonymous. I got you a small team to help" >Look over at the ponies, who are smiling back at you >"They are strong, willing, imaginative, intelligent, have saved Equestria numerous times and are ready to help you!" Can they cook? >"How the hell should I know?" >Celestia laughs and trots into the store rooms to steal more snacks >You watch her go and look back to the group >The purple one steps forward >"Good morning, sir! My name is Twilight Sparkle, person student of Celestia!" Can you make food? >"Well... Uhh... I can make toast!" >She beams at you >You smile back at her and grip the handle of your cleaver harder >Her skull would make a nice mop bucket >Just then the pink one and the orange one step forward, the pink one bouncing right up to you and giggling >"Oh! Oh! I can cook! I can cook anything!" Oh, wonderful! Then be a dear and put together some caramelized pears with cheese soufflé and a side dish of oriental sauces, please. You have 30 minutes. >The pink one goes into hysterics and rolls around on the floor >Stare at her and then back at the orange one What about you, buffalo bessy? Can you do anything useful? >"Ah can make apples!" Anything else? >She blinks >"Ah don't understand." >Groan OY, CELESTIA >Celestia pokes her head around the corner, her mouth covered in chocolate and levitating several cakes near her >"Yes?" Get your fat ass out here and get me some real help. These idiots probably couldn't even make braising steak! >A blue horse flies up to you and begins shouting >"HEY! You don't get to talk to my friends that way!" >You bare your teeth at her, showing her your canines I bet those wings would look great with some seasoning >Lightly touch her body with your cleaver >The colour leaves her face and she backs off >"Girls, I think this guy is crazy-" >You slam your cleaver into a chopping block, creating a huge crack down the middle OF COURSE I'M CRAZY. I'M A COOK, GOD DAMMIT! >The group gasps >Celestia walks out of the store room, taking half of its contents with her in a golden aura >"Oh, I forgot to mention, Anon. I told them that they'd get medals in friendship or something if they helped you" >She stuffs a jam tart down her gullet >"I'm off to go do political stuff. Cheerio!" >She trots out, her ass jiggling with each step >Silence reigns >Turn back to the group >Twilight smiles at you >"So! Shall we get to work?" >You walk around, eyes darting all over your kitchen >Once again, busy chatter fills the air, but it's more controlled than what you're used to >Pass Applejack, who is busy rolling out some pastry What's this? >"Apple pie! All ah need now are some apples!" They're in the store room. Celestia doesn't eat fruit. >Applejack thanks you and dashes off to the back room >Notice that an oven is running at 300 >Open it >Pinkie Pie is reading a book with a nightcap on >"Do you mind?" Sorry. >Close the oven >Wait >Almost tear off the door >Reach in and grab the red hot pony >Your hand burns but the rage dulls the pain WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? >Pinkie giggles >Cut her off before she can utter her second "hehe" SHUT UP. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, SO DO IT! >Pinkie's smile wavers >"You don't have to be so mean about it..." >She drops to the floor and sulks, before walking over to a chopping board and slicing up some cucumber in silence >Rub your temples >Follow her to apologise >Prod her Look, I- >She melts >Stare in shock as the pony seems to turn to mush >A pink puddle on the floor now stares back at you with big blue googly eyes >Scoop it up and put it in a measuring jug >Put it in a cupboard and pretend that it didn't happen >Look around >No one saw it >Good >Stroll away, whistling a tune >Observe Fluttershy over her shoulder >She's drawing dicks in the flour >Clear your throat >She screams and blows away the flour, causing white powder to fly everywhere >Fluttershy spins around to face you >"Oh! Umm H-hello mister Anon!" >She blushes >"Come to... Assist me?" >What. >She begins rubbing flour all over herself >Look over your shoulder at the rest of the staff >Then back at Fluttershy >She's licking her lips and covering herself in flour >"Oh dear! I'm so dirty! Looks like you'll have to clean me!" >You shrug >Pick her up >And put her in the sink used to clean massive dishes >Cover her in water >The flour inevitably turns into dough >She squirms, the dough slowing her movements >You watch with a smirk as she tries to move closer to you, the dough acting like glue and preventing her from doing anything >Leave Fluttershy in the sink and go over to Twilight, who is dissecting a bell pepper You're meant to cook it, not experiment on it. >"Oh! But I figured out a spell to make them bigger! Watch!" >She focuses her magic and infuses the pepper >It grows to 10 times its original size Woah! That's actually quite useful! >Pat her on the back Nice job, twinkle toes. I could fashion this into a dish. >At that moment the bell pepper shudders >You and Twilight look at each other >The pepper violently shakes, and a jagged limb explodes from its back >The limb ends in a huge scythe >Another one explodes out of the other side of it >Arms and legs sprout from the pepper, all tipped with some kind of sharp point >The pepper then grows a mouth, filled with knife-like teeth, and shrieks >You wince at the noise and duck as the pepper jumps over you >It runs into the storeroom >Hear Applejack scream >Hear curses and yells of "help" >A loud crash and several bangs follow >Applejack runs out of the storeroom, covered in deep cuts and clutching a shattered broom handle >She slams the door and locks it, wheezing >Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight rush over to comfort their friend >They scream at you to help Seriously? Get back to work, you idiots >Rarity seems mortified >"Applejack is injured! She needs help!" Ehh, walk it off. I once had a guy who lost 3 legs and still got back to work despite blood loss >You sniff >You miss Haystack sometimes. He knew what it meant to be a chef >Shame he died shortly after making the soup Cooking is a grisly job. If you can't handle it, get out. >You turn and head back to your post, where you slice up vegetables and prepare a kind of spicy-gravy >Hear several loud bangs >Ignore it and keep slicing >"OH SWEET CELESTIA! THE PEPPER HAS ZOMBIFIED ALL THE OTHER FRUIT AND VEG! EVERYPONY RUN!" >You hear screams and horrifying roars emitted from the mutant zombie fruit >Ignore it and keep slicing >Hear Twilight vapourising things, the smell of burnt fruit and vegetables filling your nostrils >"RARITY DOWN! RARITY DOWN!" >"GO ON WITHOUT ME, TWILIGHT!" >"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!" >You reach for a couple of potatoes and start peeling them so you can boil them later >After 10 or so minutes, you turn around again >The kitchen is utterly destroyed >Twilight is rocking back and forth under the sink >Applejack is holding Rarity in her hooves >Rarity is covered in pepper seed and sticky goo >"Com'on, Rare! Jus’ hold on a lil' bit longer!" >Rarity smiles softly and strokes Applejack's face >"T-there there, Applejack... I'll be... F-..." >She goes limp >Applejack lets out a long, drawn out "NOOOO" She dead? >"Nah. Just knocked out." >She drops Rarity and gets back to work >Rainbow Dash is talking way too fast >"And did you see what I did to that orange?! Ohmygosh it was SO COOL!" I don't care. >"I know right! I'm SO. AWESOME!" >She squeals, flies out the backdoor, and starts pleasuring herself >You know that she does that, because you can hear her grunting and saying her own name over and over again >Fucking Cerulean-Flight-Fast-Go-Speedy-Neigh >You look down and see the measuring jug of Pinkie wobbling and trying to bounce around >Move it back to where it was >The Pinkie-Goo growls in frustration >Move over to the sink to clean your knife >Look up >A solid mass of goo is blinking at you Fluttershy. >"mmmMGhmmMM." >Move back to your post and slice up more ingredients in peace, putting a couple of things on the stove and in the oven >Rainbow walks back in, shudders, and runs back outside after grabbing a cucumber off the counter >Look at the clock >It's been an hour. >How the shit have you lost half your crew in an hour. >Look around >Applejack is the only one working, Twilight is just twitching on the floor and not doing anything >Scratch that, you lost 5/6ths of your team in an hour >That's a new record of some kind >A servant walks in through the doors, look around the room, and walks back out >Stroll after him and drag him kicking and screaming back in Waddya want, sonny? >"T-the princesses are hungry..." The princesses are ALWAYS hungry, boy. >"I-I mean it's time for dinner." Fuck. Fine. >Grip his tail and fling him out Team! Form up! >Applejack trots over to you >Rainbow collapses through the back door, utterly exhausted >She catches her reflection in a shiny pot >Grabs a few carrots >And runs back out >Applejack smiles at you Right, Applehorse. We need to make something for the princesses. You up to the task? >"Sure thing, boss! Waddya have in mind?" Something that isn't apples. >Applejack's lower jaw drops open and she starts drooling >Close it for her Come on. Lets make a cake or some shit. They don't eat properly anyway. >You and Applejack assemble a quick cake and send it out Huh. That didn't take long at all. And I only lost... >Hold up a hand Three fingers. >Celestia will magic some back later. She always does >You know what they say about chefs >Their own sweat and blood goes into their work >You watch as the various servants take the cake out and serve it up to the princesses >Sigh Another meal made. Another calamity survived. Honestly, Applejack. I just don't know how I do it. >Applejack shrugs >"Maybe it was friendship" >Stare at her That's fucking retarded >"Ah know." >You both stand in silence for a while Hold the fucking phone, why was the cake bright pink? >AJ motions to the empty, pink stained measuring jug >"Ah used that icin' ya made" Oh my god. >Run out of the kitchen and towards the royal dining room in time to see Celestia eat an entire cake YOU FAT FUCK! >Her ears flatten >"Buh uh eed iiihh" YOU DON'T NEED SHIT YOU OVERSIZED BEAN BAG >She doubles over >"Oh, my... What was in there, Anonymous?" >At that moment, her head is tossed back and her jaw opens as wide as it can >Pinkie Pie, fully formed, explodes from Celestia's gullet like an overjoyed xenomorph >"SURPRISE!" >Luna screams and falls off her chair >She waves her hooves around in the air and wails >"HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" Fuck this, I'm out. >You storm back to your kitchen >When you get there, Rainbow Dash is trying to insert an entire banana into herself >Fluttershy has escaped from the dough and is sticking your favourite knife inside her anus, handle first >"A-are knives what get you hot, Anon? Do you want to... grill me?" >You tear the knife out of her rectum >Sob >And throw it in the incinerator that you just have lying around in the corner of the room >Pick up Fluttershy >Carry her out the backdoor >Trip up on a load of soggy carrots lying on the floor >Fall on your back >Fluttershy lands on your chest >"You're hurt! Let me kiss it better!" >She mushes her face against yours >Your rage knows no bounds >Throw her in a bin >Carry the bin all the way from the castle to the Canterlot train tracks >Wait an entire hour, the bin held over your head with Fluttershy banging around inside it the whole time >See a train coming >Throw the bin onto the tracks >The train slams into the bin and obliterates it >Run back to the kitchens >Grip Rainbow Dash, hoof deep inside herself >Throw her in the incinerator >Find Twilight, rocking back and forth under a table >Grip her horn and drag her out of the kitchen and towards the griffon ambassador's house >Toss her inside with a piece of paper saying "Din dins" >Run back to the kitchen >Rarity wakes up as you get inside >She tries to flirt with you >Force feed her bell peppers until she passes out again >Applejack stares at you once you've finished you fast paced rampage >"Uhh, aren't ya gonna do somethin to me?" >Glare at her >Grin Sure. How'd you like to be my second in command? >She screams and runs out the door >Watch her go, too tired to follow her >Slump to the floor and hold your head in your hands >You sit there for what seems like hours, just thinking about how bad your life is with these ponies >Stand up after a while >Go over to the store room >A single can of beans is left >Open it >Spend the rest of your evening chugging beans and complaining about how stupid ponies are to the various kitchen appliances >All in all it was a pretty normal day. The End.