Originally uploaded to Pastebin: August 26th, 2013
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>"Anonymous! I need assistance!"
>Prince Blueblood's voice echoes throughout the manor.
>Look up from polishing the silverware in the dining hall.
>"Anonymous! Anonymous where are you? This is urgent!"
>You put down your cloth and wipe your hands clean before striding towards where his voice came from.
>Pass several large paintings of Blueblood on the way there, his same charming smile in each one.
>He's the talk of hundreds of mares across Equestria.
>Magazines consistently put him in the top 5 most desirable ponies in Canterlot (Number 1 is taken by a lovely stallion named Fancy Pants).
>He is eloquent, well spoken, well dressed, rich beyond words, and most of all--
>You enter Blueblood's bedroom.
>The pony looks helplessly at you with his legs stuck in a tuxedo.
>"Please help me!"
>--He's completely and utterly useless.
>Shake your head and roll up your sleeves.
>Hastily undo the knot he somehow created.
>"Not so rough!"
>Gently undo the knot he somehow created.
>Once he is free, he shakes himself off and stands up, checking his mane in the mirror.
>"Do I still look handsome, Anonymous?"
"You look positively stunning, sir."
>"Ah! Excellent. Your services are much appreciated, Anonymous. Thank you."
>Nod.
"It is my pleasure, your highness."

>You are Anonymous.
>Servant, Butler, Personal Assistant and Guard to Prince Blueblood.
>He beams at you.
>"Now run along and make me something to eat, the gala will be in a few hours and I wouldn't like to sample any..."
>Blueblood makes a noise like a disgusted parrot.
>"...Anymore of those 'Apple Fritters' I tried last time."
>The prince grumbles something under his breath.
"Of course, sir."
>Turn to leave.
>"Oh! Anonymous?"
>Stop and look back over your shoulder.
>"Could... May I please have some ah, pancakes?"
>Smile.
"Yes, sir. You may."
>You can feel his giddiness from here.
>Shortly after you started work here, you made yourself some in the royal kitchen.
>Messy, covered in syrup and sweet enough to knock out a few teeth.
>Blueblood was, naturally, revolted by such a sight.
>That is, until you caught him sampling some leftovers later that night.
>Since then, it's been his big secret. 
>Who knows what the public would think of him if they found him delighting in such a disgusting treat?
>Probably nothing. But Blueblood was adamant to admit that everyone else likes eating pancakes with syrup.
>So you just keep your mouth shut about his eating habits.
>Glance at the clock as you walk into the kitchen to prepare his food.
>The Grand Galloping Gala is drawing closer.
>An event where ponies from all across the land congregate to talk about nothing while secretly trying to get in on the princesses.
>...And Blueblood.
>It had been 3 years since the last time Blueblood had attended one such event.
>Memories of his wailing regarding his most recent experience at the Gala are still fresh in your mind.
>According to him, he was assaulted and nearly murdered by a foul unicorn in a "low-tier" dress who was seemingly obsessed with him.
>You doubt such a thing ever even happened or that the unicorn even existed.
>Blueblood has a tendency to over-exaggerate things.
>Despite his harrowing experiences there, his majesty has plucked up the courage to go back there.
>Why? You have no idea.
>Honestly, the whole thing sounds extremely tedious to you.
>But you had never been one for formal events anyway.
>Though a brave face needed to be put on in order for you to get this job you have now.
>Your mind wanders back to the moment you landed the job.
>It was a grand tale...

>"Blueblood, this is Anonymous!"
>"Aunt Celestia, he scares me."
>"Oh come on, Blueblood. He's lovely!"
>Extend your hand.
"Hello, your highness"
>"Oh! I love his accent!"
>"Yes it--"
>"I simply -must- have him as my butler!"
>"That's not--"
>"Ah-none-ee-moose. You start on Monday!"
"Cool."

>Shake your head and look back at the clock.
>2 hours until the gala.
>The pancakes are done as well.
>You spray syrup all over them and place some garnish on top because even these sticky monstrosities need to look a little bit classy.
>Carry them out of the kitchen and past a large painting of Blueblood stretched out on a rug in front of a fireplace looking seductive.
>The purpose of these paintings eludes you, since only you and Blueblood live in the manor. 
>He actually fired all the staff when he decided that you could do everyone else's jobs better than everyone else.
>Lot of mad ponies that day.
>You hired the gardener back though, since you don't know anything about plants.
>The gardener in turn hired everyone who was fired back onto the gardening squad.
>Now there are 35 gardeners and you maintaining the manor.
>And Blueblood is none the wiser.
>Push open the door to the dining hall, where the stallion sits alone at the long table.
>He smiles at you.
>"I can smell those from here! I hope you didn't spare the syrup!"
>Bring the pancakes to him and set them down.
"Anything else you need me with, sir?"
>"No no, I'm fine now, Anonymous. How long until the Gala?"
>Check the time.
"Ninety minutes, sir."
>Blueblood levitates a fork over to himself and stabs a pancake.
>"Well then, I suppose we shall better be ready for it in time."
>He stuffs the sugary treat in his mouth.

>The carriage pulls up to Canterlot Castle.
>Hop out and hold the door open for Blueblood.
>He steps out, careful not to ruffle his tuxedo.
>Apparently, he was far more arrogant before you arrived. 
>Something at the last Gala he attended humbled him.
>You play with the idea of the unicorn he mentioned actually existing, but you dismiss it.
>Nothing that insane can exist.
>And you couldn't help but smile when he would talk about the animal stampede that occurred shortly after.
>Blueblood turns to you.
>"Alright, Anonymous. This is it!"
"Will you be needing any protection this evening, sir?"
>"Of course!"
>He shuffles closer to you.
>"There might be crazed ruffian unicorns lurking around."
>Smirk.
"Very well, sir."
>"Oh, and, ah, Anonymous?"
>Look down at him.
>He frowns.
>"You have my permission to be more, ah, 'relaxed', this evening."
"...Really?"
>"Yes. It's a party! Loosen up a bit. But don't go devolving into some kind of monkey"
"Wouldn't dream of it, Bluey."
>He shudders.
>"Don't ever call me that again, Anonymous. I'm getting a bad vibe from it."
>With him leading the way, you follow him into the Gala.
>Sweet merciful Christ this place is boring.
>Blueblood is chatting with Fancy Pants about charity auctions.
>You are stood a short distance behind him, watching the room for any threats.
>Not that anyone here would try anything.
>A human of your size towers above everyone else.
>And dragging Blueblood up 4 flights of stairs to his room whenever he comes in drunk at night has toned your muscles.
>The party slowly marches on, and ponies mill to and fro about the palace, which you spend most of your time admiring.
>An aurora coloured mane wafts into your vision while you gaze at a statuette.
>Smile and turn to see Celestia beaming at you.
>"Anonymous! It's wonderful to see you again. From what I hear from my nephew is that you're doing an admirable job of looking after both the manor and he."
>Reach up and rub the back of her ear.
>She leans into your hand, a contented look on her face.
"Good to see you again too, Celestia. We really need to start meeting up more often, but Blueblood makes that somewhat difficult..."
>Celestia mock-pouts, followed by a serene laugh.
>"Well at least you're taking your duties seriously. Now, I have to attend to the other guests, but I'll try to stop by again if I have the chance. Good bye!"
>You nod at her and she takes her leave.
>Celestia was, for the lack of a better word, your bro. She was more than understanding of your situation when you ended up here, and showed nothing but compassion and humour towards you. 
>You're grateful, and feel slightly guilty that you can't pay her back properly.
>Maybe you could buy her a present with some of your salary...
>Blueblood motions for you to follow him as he steps out into the garden.
>No sooner has he stepped onto the grass, a pony looks straight at him.
>And what a pony she is.
>An absolutely stunning looking sky blue unicorn with a jaundice mane and wearing an equally as incredible dress slowly drifts towards Blueblood, who is gawping like an idiot.
>Reach over and close his jaw for him.
>He clears his throat.
>"I uh, thank you, Anonymous."
>The pony starts to walk him, bedroom eyes in full force.
>"I-I'm not sure I should talk to her, Anonymous. I get awfully strange around mares--"
"It'll be fine, Blueblood. Just say hello and see where the conversation goes from there. What's the worst that could happen?"
>"You weren't there three years ago. It was an absolute travesty!"
"Well she's here now. You can't back out without looking foolish."
>Lean down and whisper in his ear.
"Think of your reputation!"
>He instantly straightens up.
>"You're absolutely right! I shall have to talk to her. The fate of Equestria depends on it!"
"I don't--"
>He saunters over to her and takes a bow.
>"Milady, -I- am Prince Blueblood."
>She giggles.
>"And I am... uhh- Amethyst Shine. But you can just call me Amethyst"
>She bows down.
>"My prince"
>Blueblood looks back over at you.
>Give him a thumbs up.
>He doesn't know what that means.
>Nod frantically and smile as hard as you can.
>He turns back to the pony at his hooves.
>"Well, it is lovely to meet you, milady. Shall we walk?"
>She bites her lower lip.
>"Maybe we shall..."
>Once more he looks over his shoulder towards you.
>Mouth the words "I'll leave you alone."
>He nods, trepidation in his eyes.
>You chuckle and turn towards the entrance to the gardens.
>May as well see what your 35 greenhooved comrades are raving about.
>You are Prince Blueblood.
>Suave mastermind of talking to mares.
>"So do you attend the gala often, my prince?"
"Well... Not exactly. I used to attend every year, but an unfortunate event caused me to take somewhat of a three year holiday."
>Amethyst giggles.
>"What in Equestria could have caused such a thing?"
>You gulp.
"I'm sure a lady would not want to hear of such horrors. This is a night of joy! Not a night of foul memories."
>She smiles.
>"Of course, my prince."
"Please, call me... Blueblood."
>You watch her go a shade of red.
>"Very well, Blueblood."
>You both come to a stop before a fountain, illuminated by the light of the moon.
>Her eyes sparkle and you can't help but smile.

>Well, you're not going to lie. These flowers are pretty impressive.
>With your hands in your pockets, you inspect a huge flower with great floppy red petals.
>It smells like strawberries.
>Equestrian plant-life is weird.
>Straightening up, you turn to look for the next object of interest.
>An odd looking tree catches your eye.
>Walking over to it, being careful not to disturb any nearby plants, you stand at the foot of the most bizarre tree you've ever laid eyes on.
>It's bark is bright yellow, and almost seems to glow in the darkness.
>Looking around for a name plate, you see a small stand with a little bit of information on it, squinting, you make out the words in the glow of the light.
>'Radiant Bark - Absorbs sunlight then emits it during the night'
>Whistle.
>That's imp--
>"Impressive, is it not?"
>You jump, startled.
>Then frown at the white horse stood next to you, looking very pleased with herself.
"Don't sneak up on people like that, Celestia. It scared the hell out of me."
>She laughs softly.
>"I am aware of that. That's why I did it."
>Glare at her.
>She just smiles in return.
>Then looks back at the tree.
>"It really is an amazing addition to the garden."
>Join her in looking at the Radiant Bark.
"Yep. Where did you even find this thing?"
>"Oh, it was a gift from the Zebras, I think. But watch this."
>Her horn glows with a light so intense you have to shield your eyes.
>After a while, the light dissipates.
>Remove your hand.
"What did you do?"
>"Well, the tree doesn't have a limit to how much light it can store. So..."
>The bark on the tree seems to glow with the strength of a summer's day.
"...Wow"
>"A truly wonderful plant..."
>Celestia turns back to you.
>"So, Anonymous. Enjoying the garden, I take it?"
"Yeah, it's wonderful. Didn't you have, like, guests to attend to?"
>"Oh, I left Luna in charge of it. She can handle them. She's rather fond of social gatherings nowadays."
"Yeah, she's pretty crazy, that Luna."
>You chuckle, though you're not sure why.
>As you stop, you notice Celestia's expression.
>Her eyes are fixed upon you, unblinking.
"...You alright, Princess?"
>She takes a careful, calculated step forwards.
>"Anonymous... I'm sure you remember, but we have been friends for quite some time now, yes?"
"Yes? Of course. What's your point?"
>Her smile widens.
>"I was just thinking. Well, actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking."
"Don't you always?"
>A soft laugh escapes her lips.
>"Yes! I suppose I do... But I showed you a lot of hospitality when you first arrived."
>You think you know where she's going with this.
>"And I was just thinking that, maybe, you could..."
"Celestia, I know exactly what you're going to say."
>Her smiles grows ever wider.
>"Really? How wonderful!"
"And I am -so- sorry I can't see you more. I've been thinking of buying you something to show my gratitude, anything to show how grateful I am for everything that you've done! I really am thankful, Celestia, for everything."
>Offer a reassuring look.
>Celestia's smile falters a bit.
>"Oh, yes, a gift... Certainly..."
"Something wrong?"
>"Well, yes, actually."
>She takes another step forward, this one much more confident than the last.
>You take a step back to give her some space, though you're not sure she wants any.
>"I have been alive for a very long time, Anonymous. And rarely do I come across a creature as intriguing as you. Suffice to say, a mare of my age and stature has... Needs... That aren't often met due to everyone I meet being more concerned with kissing my hooves!"
>She's backed you up against the Radiant Bark.
>It's warm when pressed up to your back.
>"And I was thinking, rather a lot, that instead of getting yet another gift, I would like something a bit more personal. Do you understand what I'm talking about?"
>Stare at her.
"Wait... So, you want a picture of me?"
>She fumes.
>"NO!"
>Woah shit.
"Uhh, then what--"
>"I want YOU, Anonymous. I haven't had sex in two thousand years, and I'd like to change that!"
>She's leant so far forwards that you are sliding down the tree, and are practically sat on the floor, staring up at her as she glares down at you.
"W-wouldn't you just like a hug?"
>"NO."
"Can't you seduce a stallion?"
>"I'M TRYING TO."
"Oh. Who?"
>"YOU!"
"But I'm not--"
>"ANONYMOUS. YOU -SHALL- HAVE YOUR WAY WITH MY ROYAL FLANKS UP AGAINST THIS TREE RIGHT -NOW-, OR I SHALL -MAKE- YOU!"
>She pants heavily, insanity brewing in her eyes.
>You don't really know what to say.
>Or do.
>Slowly rise from the floor.
"Okay, I can tell that you're a little bit on edge. I'm sure that... Two millennia of being... 'dry' can do that do you. But I must ask you to consider- LUNA GOT INTO THE EXOTIC SPICES AGAIN!"
>Point in a random direction.
>"Oh for the love of me, I thought I--"
>Take off running the moment she turns her head, rampaging through the rare and no doubt endangered plants on your way out of the gardens.
>"ANONYMOUS! GET BACK HERE AND RUT ME!"

>"Oh Blueblood! You simply are the most wonderful stallion a pony could hope to meet!"
>Rub the back of your neck.
"Well, thank you, I suppose. I must say I'm relieved!"
>Amethyst bats her eyelashes.
>"Why is that 'my prince'?"
>She bites her lower lip.
"The last time I was at the gala, I met a mare who was--"
>"Oh yes! I heard about her! Rarity, wasn't it? A fashion designer from Ponyville, perhaps?"
>Stare at her.
>She smiles sweetly.
"I uhh, yes. I believe it was... How did you know?"
>She turns her head and blushes, playing with one of her jaundice mane curls.
>"O-oh, you know what you hear nowadays! Gossip travels fast!"
"...It was three years ago. Hardly gossip, my dear."
>"Darling, please. Gossip can stick! And I'm sure she left such a large impact that she must inhabit your mind quite a bit, no?"
"Well, not really. I only think about her whenever I think of the gala. And even then I just think about the awful dress she was wearing."
>Amethyst tenses up.
>"Awful. Dress?"
"It was hardly something worthy of Canterlot, miss Amethyst! Why, the dress you're wearing tonight is far better!"
>"Worthy. Of Canterlot?"
"Yes?"
>Her eye twitches suddenly.
>She regains her composure and puts on a smile.
>"S-so tell me! What did you think of her overall as a pony?"
"Forgive me for asking, but why do you care so m--"
>"I HAVE TO KNOW, NOW TELL ME!"
>You recoil in shock.
>Amethyst seems just as amazed at her own outburst.
>It's not the fact that she reacted so strongly that caught you off guard though.
"That... Scream. That voice. I think I... Recognise it!"
>Amethyst locks eyes with you.
>Deep blue eyes at that.
>Eyes you remember.
>Memories you had long since suppressed come flooding back to you.
>Cake. Shouting. Puddles. Doors. Dresses. Shoals. Carnival Fare.
>The pony before you seems to be catching on as well.
>"Well, Blueblood? What did you think of Rarity?"
"I-I don't know. I have to go!"
>"NO!"
>She leaps towards you, struggling to take you down.
"GAH! Get off me, you vile ruffian!"
>Shrug her off.
>Amethyst bounces onto the grass, before quickly recovering and leaping at you again.
>She performs a rather spectacular spinning kick in the air that catches you right in the jaw.
>You reel backwards and clutch your mouth, pain surging throughout your body.
>Your eyes are wide as you fearfully behold the mare before you.
>She's panting, a mad look in her eye.
>"I never... Forgot that night..."
>Her horn glows a faint blue.
>"I always... Knew..."
>The pony's entire body glows white as whatever spell she's casting takes hold
>Once it fades, and her form comes back into view, you scream like a filly.
>"THAT IT WAS MY DESTINY TO BE HAPPY THAT NIGHT!"
"STAY BACK! I HAVE A BODYGUARD THIS TIME! ANONYMOUS! ANONYMOUS WHERE ARE YOU?!"
>"No one will come for you, 'my prince'. It's just you and me out here! AND I WILL BE HAPPY. -WE- WILL BE HAPPY!"
>She lunges for you again.
>Duck out of the way and pick up a fallen twig with magic.
>It shakes in your golden aura.
>Wave it at her.
>It slaps her face, not even leaving a mark.
"Aha! Take that, you witch!"
>She gives you a flat look.
>And crushes the twig with her own magic.
"...Oh, okay then."
>You run as fast as you can for the exit of the garden.
>"GET BACK HERE! MAKE ME A PRINCESS, DAMN YOU!"
"Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck"
>"YOU WILL RUT ME, ANONYMOUS! MY LOINS BURN FOR ONLY YOU!"
"Whaaaat thaaa fuuuuuck!"
>Tear past a bush, your suit getting scratched, and the fabric tearing in places.
>Seeing the lights at the end of the garden that mark the outdoors section of the party, you hurtle for it as fast as your legs can take you.
>You can hear the rapid hoof-falls behind you getting closer.
>Leap into the light, dazed for a moment by the strength of them after being in the dark for so long.
>Opposite you, Prince Blueblood explodes out of a hedge, doing about 5 barrel rolls along the floor before coming to a stop.
>His tuxedo is ruined, and he's covered in scratches and twigs.
"Blueblood! What happened?!"
>"I could ask you the same thing! Listen! You have to protect me! That pony turned out to be the same one from three years ago! She wants me to make her a pr--"
"I'd love to sort this out! But we have much bigger problems right now!"
>The bush behind you is reduced to ashes
>Nearby ponies scream and for the the castle
>Celestia steps over the remains of the once proud plant and glares at you
>"ANONYMOUS. YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE."
>"Au-auntie? What's going on?"
>"SHUT UP, BLUEBLOOD! ANONYMOUS. GET INSIDE ME. NOW."
"Fuck that shit!"
>Blueblood gasps.
>"I said don't relax too much! That's most uncivilis--"
>"THERE YOU ARE!"
>Rarity bursts out of another bush.
"Wait, the pony was RARITY?!"
>"FUCK THAT SHIT! ANONYMOUS LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
>You both make for the castle, tearing through the doors like a pair of bats out of hell.
>The screams of both Rarity and Celestia follow you through the doors.
>Ponies are running in terror as their goddess steam-rolls through crowds, trampling any in her way and emitting shockwaves from her her horn to devastate any heavy objects in her way to splinters or rubble.
>Rarity, on the other hand, is following in her wake, a primal kind of bloodlust that only a bride-to-be can possess driving her forward.
>"Look! There's the carriage!"
"Go go go!"
>Sprinting down the castle steps, the driver of your carriage seems shocked at the sudden commotion and tosses aside his pipe before nudging his companion
>A loud screeching sound alerts you to a hunk of burning stone flying over your heads that crashes into a nearby group of trees in a spectacular fireball.
>Blueblood is hyperventilating.
>You are shitting your pants.
>"AAAAAANOOONYMOOOUS!"
>Celestia is still horny.
>"BLUUUUEBLOOOD!"
>Rarity is still lovestruck. Kinda.
>Piling into the carriage, you lean forwards.
"Get us out of here, NOW!"
>"Yes, sir!"
>The pair of stallions gallop down the road, pulling the carriage with them.
>Lean back in your seat as the castle in the rear window gets smaller and smaller.
>Sigh.
"God... That was close... You alright, Blueblood, sir?"
>He doesn't answer.
"Blueblood?"
>He's looking out the window on his side of the carriage.
>Shuffle over and look out at whatever he's watching.
"Oh... Shit."
>Rarity, currently piloting Celestia, is chasing the carriage.
>"YOU'RE MINE, BLUEBLOOD! I WON'T LET YOU GET AWAY FROM ME AGAIN! LAST TIME WAS A MISTAKE!"
>Blueblood shakes his head.
>"I don't understand! She went mad at the end of the night! I thought that meant she was over me!"
"Bitches be crazy, Blueblood. Let's just try and get out of here first."
>Climb forwards towards the stallions pulling the cart.
"How long till we reach the manor?"
>"About ten minutes at this speed, sir!"
"Can we take any detours?"
>"There's an underpass, sir! But it will add about fifteen minutes onto the journey!"
"I don't care! Go for it!"
>The veer off the road and down a dusty trail.
>Blueblood is confused.
>"Where are we going? This isn't to the way to the manor!"
"I don't think the manor will save us, Blueblood."
>He gulps.
>Large groups of trees begin to rush past you.
>Branches overhead provide cover from the airborne duo.
>Blueblood quivers.
>"I don't want to marry her, Anonymous! She's a plebian!"
"I know she is, sir. I don't understand how anyone can like her."
>"OUR CHILDREN SHALL BE BEAUTIFUL, ANONYMOUS!"
"Say, do you know any offensive spells, Blueblood?"
>"Well I can inflict a pony with tourettes, if that's what you mean."
"Not really. I was thinking more 'lightning' or 'fireballs'"
>"Good heavens! No! Why would I have a need for such a terrible form of magic?"
>"THE WEDDING SHALL GO DOWN IN HISTORY!"
>"...Ah."
>He looks around, searching for anything he can use.
>"Aha!"
>He levitates a small rock on the side of the road up to the window and shows it to you.
>"I could throw this at them!"
"Do it!"
>He fires it like a slingshot from his magic aura
>It goes wide
"You're an awful shot!"
>"Shooting was never my favourite pass-time..."
>One of the stallions calls back into the carriage.
>"The underpass is approaching fast, sir!"
>Nudge Blueblood.
"This is our chance!"
>"What, what are we going to do?"
"We'll lose them in the underpass! Celestia's wingspan is huge! There's no way she can follow us!"
>He gets a hopeful look.
>"Of course! That's brilliant!"
>Then his face changes to one of morbid fear.
>"Auntie's going to kill me once this is over..."
"You'll be fine. Probably."
>Gulp.
"It's me I'm worried about."
>Looking forwards, you see the underpass coming closer.
"Step it up, guys! Almost there!"
>"Right away, sir!"
>"YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY FROM ME AGAIN, BLUEBLOOD!"
>The moonlight is replaced with torchlight as the underpass envelops the carriage.
>You sigh in relief.
"Made it..."
>A bloodcurdling pair of screams confirms that your plan worked.
>Blueblood ducks his head back inside the carriage and he leans back, shutting his eyes.
>"I can't believe we made it!"
>A stallion calls back.
>"Exiting the underpass soon, sir!"
>Smile.
"Thank you, driver. Well done to both of you."
>"Thank you, sir!"
>Blueblood nudges you as you try to bask in your victory.
>"Uhh, Anonymous?"
"Hmm?"
>"What if they... Fly... Over?"
>...
>Your eyes snap open.
>Moonlight washes over the carriage.
>"THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE ME DID YOU, ANONYMOUS?!"
"OH FUCK ME."
>"GLADLY! JUST STOP MOVING!"
>A bolt of fiery orange slams into the ground next to the carriage, sending dirt and scorched earth skywards.
"JESUS CHRIST!"
>Blueblood screams.
>"Is she trying to kill us? Are we going to die? Anonymous are we going to die?!"
>Slap him.
"Get a hold of yourself, man! We're going to be fine! Just start throwing spells at her while I think of something!"
>"W-what spells--"
"ANYTHING!"
>Blueblood leans out the window and starts firing a beam of soapy bubbles from his horn while you wrack your head trying to think of a plan.
>"Aha! I hit her!"
"Excellent! With what?"
>"SHITTING FUCK SHIT DAMN CUNT PISS, ANONYMOUS. I'M GOING TO FUCKING FUCK YOU UP THE FUCK!"
>Blueblood smiles proudly.
"Wonderful! Now I'm going to have incredibly angry sex with her instead! YOU'RE A GENIUS, BLUEBLOOD."
>He sticks his head back out the window and continues to shoot random spells he can remember at the airborne assailants.
>Maybe if you called the cops as fast as you could when you get back to the manor?
>No... That won't work... Celestia created the police force...
>What if you just had sex with her?
>Out of the question. She's a horse.
>A crack of thunder echoes around you.
"Woah! What was that?"
>"A thunder spell."
"Kick ass! Did you hit her?"
>"Well no, it was just the noise. Nothing else"
"For fucks sake."
>You're doomed.
>Another couple of orange bolts shake the earth as they obliterate the ground they touch 
>The carriage shakes violently.
>"We're under attack, sir! Orders?"
"Just get us back to the manor!"
>The carriage narrowly avoids several more magic missiles on your journey back home.
>Blueblood gets back inside.
>"I'm getting tired, Anonymous! I can't keep this up! All I've done is given her tourettes and washed her mane!"
"Do you have -any- good news?"
>"Her mane looks absolutely marvellous!"
"Fucking... Look, what's the most useful spell you know?"
>"I don't know! That's such a broad question!"
>The ground shudders with the arrival of another missile
>"CUNTS IN MY FUCK!"
"So what's the hardest spell you know?"
>"I know how to fluff my pillows without looking at them!"
"What the hell is the point of that-- wait, don't I fluff your pillows?"
>"Yes?"
"Then why the hell do you need me to when you have a spell for it?"
>"...I like it when you fluff my pillows..."
"Look, just get out there and fluff her."
>"What will that do?"
"WELL IT'S BETTER THAN GIVING HER FUCKING TOURETTES!"
>"FUCK!"
>Blueblood yelps and leans back out the window, takes aim, and fires.
>You hear a strange noise, much like a walrus getting prodded with a taser.
>Then, shortly after, a thud.
"Wait, stop! Stop the carriage!"
>The ponies at the front grind to a halt
>Look out of your own window and at the road behind you.
>Celestia and Rarity are in a heap in the dirt, groaning.
>"Shitty... Roads..."
>Look back at Blueblood, confused.
"The hell did you do?"
>"I fluffed them!"
"...Do it again."
>He does so.
>A sickening crunch comes from Celestia, causing her to howl.
"OH GOD YOU SNAPPED HER WING BONES."
>"AAAAH! What do I do, WHAT DO I DO?!"
>Celestia groans, and takes note of her crumpled, misshapen wings.
>To your surprise, she lifts herself off the ground, while Rarity moans again.
>Celestia unfurls her wings, wincing as they crack and snap even more.
>You shudder.
"Fucking hell, Blueblood."
>Shake your head.
"But at least she can't follow us anymore."
>Celestia's horn glows, and she gives you one final look.
>You stare her down, silently daring her to move.
>In a flash, she's gone, leaving the road empty.
>Blueblood sighs out of relief.
>"So that's that..."
"Yeah, I guess it is."
>Sit back down in the carriage.
"I must say, I didn't think a pillow fluffing spell would be so morbidly effective."
>"You and I both."
>Lean forwards.
"Driver? Take us home, please. I've had enough of this night."
>"Of course, sir."

>The next morning, you stir in your bed.
>Groan.
>Glance at the clock with tired eyes.
>7:00 AM.
"Uuugh..."
>Your body complains as you sit up.
>Gotta tend to Blueblood.
>But first, breakfast.
>Blink slowly and yawn.
>Throw off the covers and get out of bed.
>Shit, shower and shave.
>Walk downstairs to the kitchen, last night's events fresh in your mind.
>Pour some cereal into a bowl.
>Sway slightly and yawn, trying to keep your eyes open.
>Stomp over to the fridge.
>Open it.
>No milk, again.
>Ugh.
>Should be some at the front door.

>Wiping your eyes, you walk through the grand atrium towards the great two wooden doors at the front of the manor.
>Open them.
>Bend down the pick up the milk.
>Stand back up.
>Squint at something in the distance.
"Is that--"
>A huge white horse slams down so hard in front of you that you drop the milk as the flagstones beneath her crack
>Celestia, her wings fully healed, glares at you
>"Good morning, Anonymous."
>She sounds pissed
"Uhh. sorry?"
>"Oh, you will be."
>She envelops you in a golden aura then incinerates your clothes before rugby-tackling you backwards into the manor and slamming the door shut with magic.

>"You will be."

The End