Originally uploaded to Pastebin: September 25th, 2013
---

>"How about a gardener?"
"Nah, don't let the hands fool you, I was never much good with them when it came to plants."
>Twilight furrows her brow.
>"Well you have to get a job soon, Anon! You can't just sit around in the library all the time."
>Look over your shoulder.
>Your bed is covered in candy wrappers and looks like pair of gorillas just had a fight on it.
>Twilight's bed looks like something out of a showroom.
"I'm not -that- messy."
>"Ugh! It's not just the mess, Anon! It's a matter of principle! You haven't raised a hoof to help us since you got here! All you've done is lay about and act sexy towards anyone that tries to move you!"
"Let's be honest, I'm incredibly sexy."
>"Be that as it may, you can't solve all of life's problems with wooing ponies! Rarity is still sore that you led her on like that."
"Hey, she started the flirting. I thought she was leading -me- on!"
>Twilight's face scrunches up.
>You boop her nose.
>It scrunches even harder.
>The alicorn mumbles to herself and looks down at the paper.
>"What about a libra-- oh wait, that one doesn't exist, ha ha!"
>The section of paper with the "Library assistant needed" catches on fire immediately.
>Smirk at Twilight.
>She pretends to ignore you, and continues to read the job section.
>Her eyes light up as she turns the page.
>"Oh! Oh this is perfect for you!"
"Is it?"
>"Yes!"
>She looks up at you, beaming, then twists the paper around and stabs a quill at the job advert.
>'Post office worker wanted. No background check needed.'
"No background check?! Hell yeah!"
>"That means they won't ask you about those fires you started in protest of living in a world of magical talking ponies!"
"Those fires were perfectly justified."
>"Ponies could have died, Anon."
"It was all for the betterment of mankind."
>Twilight rolls up the newspaper with magic and smacks you with it.
>"Bad. Go. Apply for job. Don't come back until you're employed, and that's final!"
"Can I at least put some clothes on first?"
>Twilight's eyes dart to your crotch and back up, blushing.
>"Ok fine, but then you're out!"

"Help wanted in post office. Must be prepared to work long hours for minimal pay."
>Sounds like your kind of job! Minus the long hours, minimal pay, and "prepared to work" part.
>Glance up at your destination from the cut out bit of newspaper.
>A small building with a simple sign out front reads "Ponyville Post Poffice."
>The last "P" is scribbled out in red paint.
>Stretch and shake your head to wake yourself up.
"Alright, Anon. You got this shit. They'd have to be crazy not to employ you!"

>"I'd have to be crazy to employ you!"
"Wow, really?"
>"Yes! A creature like you running a well respected and popular installation like this?!"
>Above the pony, you see a notice saying "Days without accidents: 0".
"Look, I'm strong, able bodied, I can count and I'm too lazy to steal anything from the till."
>The pony, an aged mare with white fur and a blue perfectly straight mane muses to herself.
>"Too lazy to steal, eh? Well that's a lot better than the last stallion that worked here. Plus you -are- quite sexy..."
>She pushes her blue-rimmed glasses further up her nose.
>"And you realise that in some areas of Equestria it's illegal to pay you what we're paying you?"
"I do now!"
>"Think you can forget that part?"
"I already have."
>"Great! You're hired. You start right now, there's your first customer."
>You turn your head to see a purple Alicorn grinning at you.
>"Sounds like success!"
"Yup. Guess you were right, Twilight. All I had to do was believe in myself!"
>Her eyes look left and right quickly before she puts on a fake smile
>"Yeah! Sure! So uhh, you've found a house to live in, right?"
"What? Why? I've got a good set up at the library."
>"Yeeeeahh, about that. Listen..."
>She taps her chin.
>"This--"
>Twilight places a cardboard box on the counter between you both.
>"--Is all your belongings. And this--"
>A small sack of coins joins it.
>"--Is your life savings."
>You stare in disbelief at her.
"You're... Kicking me out?"
>"No!"
>...
>"Yes."
>The alicorn explodes into purple smoke.
>When it clears, she's nowhere to be seen, and you are at a loss for words.
>So now you're homeless. Great. 
>Your boss walks past behind you.
>"You can stay upstairs, there's a room for homeless bums like yourself! But be sure not to sleep on the right side of the mattress. I still can't get the blood out."
>Sighing, you pick up all your possessions in both arms and carry it up the creaky stairs.
>You stop halfway up, however, and call down to the mare.
"Wait, am I living here now? Is there at least a kitchen?"
>"Yeah. Pretty much. This used to be a house before it was a post office."
"Why don't you live here?"
>"I have self-respect, money, and a loving family."
>Ouch.
>"I lied about the loving family part."
>Oh.
>"And the money."
>...
>"I live next door."
"Ah."
>Continuing on up the flight of stairs, you nudge open the only door on the landing with your shoulder.
>The room is... What you were expecting.
>Peeling wallpaper, dirty floorboards, a bed as old and withered as the mare below you.
>Grimace and place your box on the mattress.
>After looking at it for a second, you cautiously peel back the covers slightly.
>A large red stain greets you.
>Quickly put the covers back and shudder.
>Settle for sitting on the bed.
>It squeaks under your weight, but is otherwise quite comfortable.
"So this is my life."

>A loud ringing in your left ear jolts you awake.
>Out of reflex, you punch in the direction of the noise without looking.
>Instead of your fist getting caught in a magical aura before it reaches it's target, it instead connects with an alarm clock, launching it backwards into a wall and shattering it.
>Cogs, springs and other bits of clockwork scatter all over the floor.
"Aww... Fuck."
>Groan and lie on your back in the bed, looking at the grimy ceiling.
>Time to get up and work, then.
>Hop out of bed and walk over to the little bathroom connected to the bedroom.
>It's extremely cramped, and is just a toilet, a shower, and a sink.
>Plus about 4 square inches of floor between it all.
>Clean yourself up and ponder your current situation while on the toilet.
>To be completely fair, this isn't so bad. At least you have a roof over your head. And twilight was kind enough to give you about 14 bits to get started.
>Could be worse.
>Finishing up, you walk downstairs, shirtless, to get something to eat.
>Between the stairs and the kitchen is the main room of the post office. It's counter and till all quite clean, providing a peculiar juxtaposition between it and the dirty abode above.
>Rooting through the fridge, you pull out an old yoghurt.
>Walk back into the main room and stand behind the counter, eating your snack.
>A jingle alerts you to an opening door.
>Your boss enters, looking mad as hell.
>"Anon! Do you know what time it is?!"
"Seven thirty?"
>"Oh, thank you very much. Clock at my place is broken."
>She trots past you, whistling merrily.
>"Whatcha eating?"
"A yoghurt, I think."
>"What flavour?"
"Not sure."
>Check the bottom of the tub.
>'Sell by date: 3490AD'
"Well I don't know the flavour, but it's 4 years old."
>"Might wanna see a doctor after you're finished eating it."
>She trots into the kitchen.
>The pokes her head back into the room
>"Also you're not covered by any kind of medical polava."
"I can imagine. So what time do we open?"
>"We opened the moment I walked through the front door. Now look sharp, Derpy should be here soon."
"Okay then."
>...
"Wait, what?"
>"Your coworker, you moron. Lovely mare. Bit deranged, but she means well."
"Are there any others I should know about?"
>"Are you nuts? Who would be stupid enough to work here?!"
"But what about--"
>"I just said that she's deranged. Learn to listen Anon, or you're fired."
>You shut up.
>After a while, she speaks up again from the kitchen.
>"I won't actually fire you. You're the first person in months to apply for a job here."
"What about that stallion you mentioned?"
>"What stallion?"
"You said--"
>"Stop talking."
>You do.
>...
"WHO'S BLOOD IS ON THAT MATT--"
>The door opens with a jingle.
>A grey blur hurtles over the counter, hurling excuses at anything that has the capacity to listen.
>"I'm so sorry I'm late I woke up about five minutes ago and I forgot what day it was so I had to go to the town hall message board to check then I forgot I worked here so here I am please don't fire me!"
>The pegasus stops blurting out words when she sees you.
>Offer a cautious wave, unsure what to make of the mare.
>She stares at you.
>Her right eye drifts over to the side while she does so.
"So uhh, Derpy, I take it?"
>"Sure am! Who are you?"
"Anonymous. I'm your new co-worker. I look forward to working with you!"
>Extend a hand.
>She licks it.
>Then gives you a stupidly happy look, like you had just offered to pay for all her meals that day.
>Before you can say anything further, she runs off into a room you hadn't explored yet.
>Watch the door shut behind her.
>After a moments silence you hear a voice come from your kitchen.
>"Did she lick you?"
"Yeah?"
>"Wash your hands, you don't know where she's been."
>You don't argue with that.

>"So where are you from?"
"Earth."
>"Where's that?"
"...Earth?"
>"Woah! And what kind of ponies come from Earth?"
"Umm. Shetland, Noma, Western Sudan..."
>"Those don't sound like any ponies I've heard of."
>You and Derpy are sat at the counter, Derpy slapping labels on parcels and you twiddling your thumbs.
>The grey mare hasn't stopped grinning since she walked through the door.
>"What was it like when you first got here?"
"Not bad, I guess. I just sort of learned to cope with my new hope, I guess. And Twilight gave me a place to stay for a while."
>"Oh! I know Twilight! She's really nice. She just got a new library assistant! Isn't that great?"
"...I suppose."
>"I hear the new guy gets to sit around and read all day, and gets paid so much to do it!"
>Twitch slightly.
>Your boss trots past behind you, carrying a rusty chain with a hook on the end in her mouth.
>"Derpy! Less talky more delivery."
>"Sorry Miss!"
>She haphazardly sticks a label on her last letter and places it in a bag, then hauls it onto her back and heads towards the door.
>"Bye bye, Anon!"
"Bye, Derpy."
>Your boss trots back into the room, no chain in sight.
>She catches your eye and freezes in place, like she was just caught doing something questionable.
>"...What?"
"You know, I don't think I ever got your name."
>"Name? What name? I don't have a name."
>Her eyes narrow.
>"Who's askin'? It's one of the Slick Shade's crew, isn't it?"
>She storms off towards the backdoor again, grumbling.
>"Tell him I'll have his fix by next week!"
>The door slams shut, leaving you alone at the counter.
>Your boss is... Odd.

>The rest of your day is spent reading old magazines and accepting parcels from whoever walks through the door.
>You were never given any training, so you just hurl the parcels onto a pile when the ponies are gone.
>Derpy will sort them out.
>Probably.
>Your most recent customer is being a handful though.
>"I'm just saying, last time I sent a package through here it got lost in the mail and ended up in Maredrid!"
"Sir, I assure you, things have changed since then. Our postal team is fully trained to deal with these issues and I'll personally make sure that your package reaches it's destination on time and in perfect condition."
>He seems reassured by that.
>"Well alright then. I just don't want my father's ashes to go missing..."
>He pushes some bits onto the counter and leaves.
>As soon as the door shuts you throw the package on the steadily growing pile, a satisfying smash indicating that you did indeed "personally make sure it arrived at it's 'destination'".
"Hheheheh..."
>The door opens again, and in flies Derpy, looking thrilled to see you.
>"Anon! You're still here!"
"Yeah?"
>"That's great!"
"...Yeah?"
>She nods excitedly
>"So umm. Where's Miss?"
"You mean the boss?"
>"She doesn't go by that name anymore, so I just call her Miss."
"...Okay then. Uhh, she's out. Been gone all day."
>"Oh alright. So it's just us!"
>She leaps over the counter and takes a seat next to you.
>You're stood up and leaning on the counter, she has a cozy little chair that's far too small for you.
>"Umm. Anon?"
"Yo."
>"Do you have a marefriend?"
"Nah."
>...
"What did you just say?"
>"A marefriend! A special somep0ny! Do you have one?"
"Well no, I don't. Why would I?"
>"Oh. It's just that you're really--"
>Sexy.
>"--Funny, and interesting!"
>That's new.
>Gotta be honest, that caught you off guard.
"Really?"
>"Sure! Wanna make some food?"
"Wait, I thought we were talking about relationships!"
>She's already gone off prancing into the kitchen.
>Shrug to yourself and follow her, hands in your pockets.
>"Aww crud... Someone ate my yoghurt!"
>Whoops.
"It was probably uhh, stolen."
>"It was probably one of the Slick Shades boys again... Those meanies are always messing with Miss and our shop!"
>Derpy's face scrunches up in anger.
>"If they come near us again I'll... I'll..."
>She attempts to glare the fridge to death, while looking cute as hell.
"Who exactly -are- the Sl--"
>The backdoor bursts open
>"DERPY IT HAPPENED AGAIN GET THE SHOVELS AND MEET ME AT THE EVERFREE FOREST AFTER DARK."
>It slams shut again.
"...Nevermind then."
>Derpy smiles at you.
>"So! Whatcha wanna do now?"
"We not gonna eat?"
>"Nah. I was gonna share the yoghurt with you but it's gone. Aaaaaand that's all the food we have."
>Roll your eyes while she beams at you.
>"Anon! We should totally be marefriend and coltfriend!"
"Why?"
>"Because umm... Hm..."
>You've stumped her.
>She ponders for a while before getting a brainwave.
>"Because we work together! It can be like, an office romance! I read one once in a book Twilight lent me! O-oh. But I wasn't supposed to tell anyone because it was one of Twilight's self-written fantasy novels that she kept in a locked box..."
>Try not to laugh.
>"Shoot. I'm the worst secret keeper ever..."
"Ahh come on, you're not that bad. But I'm afraid I'll have to turn down your request, Derpy."
>"Are you sure?"
"Positive."

>Miss tosses another shovel full of dirt over her shoulder.
"I just don't know what I did wrong, Miss! I was sure he'd like me... I smiled and everything!"
>Your companion grunts and hurls some more earth to the side out the hole.
>"Aww that sucks, Derpy."
>Another shovel load and a grunt.
"What should I do though? I really like him!"
>You toss your own dirt to the side, spreading it all over the grass rather than on the rapidly growing pile.
>"Listen, Derpy. I know better now than to get between you and your uhh, odd fixation with 'true love'. So I'm not gonna bring up the fact that you've known the guy for the day, or that he's an extradimensional being, or something."
"But he's so funny!"
>"I don't think 'funny' is what most mares think when he walks into a room, dear. But your naivety is inspiring. Somewhat."
>She digs up another shovel of dirt and casts it aside.
>"So I'll just say this. Be assertive. Stallions like confidence, so why shouldn't he?"
"Wow... You're right!"
>"Yeah yeah, I know. Keep digging."
>You salute and keep shovelling.
>The pair of you dig for a little while longer, before Miss stops you.
>"I think that's deep enough."
>She leaps out of the hole and pushes and large black sealed bag into it.
"Umm. Miss?"
>She grunts in acknowledgement.
"Did you ever have a special somep0ny?"
>Miss freezes and holds her shovel full of dirt in place for a second.
"...S-sorry. Are you okay?"
>"Huh? Yeah, just countin'. About twenty five, I reckon."
"T-twenty FIVE?!"
>She flinches and motions you to stay quiet with a hoof.
"Twenty five special someponies?"
>"Oh I wasn't counting folks I'd consider special, I was just counting ponies I'd slept with over the years."
"Wow... So you've loved a lot of ponies, right?"
>"I wouldn't say that "love" compelled me to do it, but sure, whatever you want."
>You and Miss start piling dirt on top of the bag again.
>"But listen, if you like this guy, just go get him. Don't let anything hold you back from achieving your goals. That's what I did, and look at me. I run my own business!"
"Yeah, the post office is great!"
>"I wasn't talking about the po-- Yeah! The post office."
"Thanks, Miss. You're the best friend a pony could have!"
>You jump over and hug her as hard as you can.
>"Ease... Off... Breathing... Hard..."
"Oops, sorry..."
>"It's okay, dear. I employed you for a reason. Now come on, let's get out of here. We'll ditch the shovels in Ghastly Gorge again."
"Okay!"

>An alarm clock would normally wake you up, but you sort of punched it to death.
>Instead, a weird wet feeling on your face rouses you from your slumber.
>Mumbling, you crack open an eye.
>A blurry grey and yellow object takes up your vision.
"Bwuh?"
>Blink and rub your eyes.
>Sit up.
>Derpy leans in and kisses you again.
>"Good morning!"
>Stare at her.

>"Anon I'm sorry!"
"AAAAAAAARGH!"
>Crumple down the stairs, trying to get away from her.
"Oh god my fucking legs..."
>Stand up, using the wall as a support.
>Derpy flies downstairs, apologising profusely.
>"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean anything by it!"
"Didn't mean anything by it?! How long were you doing it for?!"
>"W-well I was going to do it once and hoped that that would wake you up, and it would be totally romantic like in Twilight's books, but you didn't, so I kept on doing it, but you still didn't wake up, so I just carried on doing it until you did."
"That didn't answer my question."
>"A-about an hour..."
>She was kissing you in your sleep for an hour.
>Jesus jumping Christ.
>"If it makes you feel any better, I got you food!"
>Give her a skeptical look.
"Actual food? Or another yoghurt?
>Derpy manages a smile and rushes to the kitchen, returning with a bag of food from Sugarcube Corner.
>You peek inside
>Doughnuts.
>Holy shit.
"Are those real?"
>"Yup! I got them just for you!"
>She places the bag in your hands and smiles at you.
"...Don't you want any?"
>"No. I don't deserve any... I've been stupid. Again."
>Her head tilts down, a sullen look taking over her.
"Hey hey hey, no, come on."
>Crouch down and reach in the back, picking out a sugar-coated treat.
"Here, it's your money. You at least deserve one."
>"Aren't you mad at me?"
"Of course I am. But that doesn't mean I'm going to deprive you of your own food."
>"Woo hoo!"
>She does a backflip.
>Or at least, tries to, and crashes into a wall.
>Shaking your head, you walk back upstairs to get dressed.

"Stop touching my butt, Derpy."
>"Sorry."
>You continue to catalogue the parcels, as you had since worked out how to actually do the job you were given.
>Derpy scribbles notes on and labels the parcels you catalogue.
>The pair of you are like a well oiled postal machin--
"You're still doing it."
>"Sorry."
>Her hoof retreats back to the counter, where it fidgets again.
>"Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"How would you feel about having a steamy office lovemaking session on the counter?"
"It would be awkward as shit, Derpy."
>"Why?"
"Probably because of them."
>You motion to the long line of customers, all clutching parcels and looking uncomfortable.
>Half of them find the floor very interesting.
>Another has been staring at the same bit of wall for about 5 minutes.
>"...Oh..."
"Next, please."
>A stallion steps forwards and places his package on the counter.
>"It needs to get to Appleoosa, at this address."
>He pushes forward a bit of paper with an address scribbled on it.
>You hand it to Derpy and she jots it down.
"And that'll be five bits, sir."
>He reaches into his bag and give them to you.
"Will that be all, sir?"
>"Uhh. Yes. By the way, she's umm... Touching your butt again."
"I know, sir. I know."

>The day flies by.
>A cycle of molestation and squirming customers.
>You stopped caring after the 18th time Derpy touched you.
>So you just let her be, and smiled at the customers who were distracted by Derpy slowly rubbing your poor butt.
>As the last customer leaves the shop, and the clock reads "closing time", you launch yourself over the counter, scaring the hell out of the companion.
"DAMMIT, DERPY!"
>"W-what?"
"Why do you have to be touching me all the time?"
>"I-I-I'm being assertive! That's what stallions like, isn't it?"
"Only when the stallion in question finds the mare attractive!"
>Derpy looks like she was just slapped in the face.
>Her ears go flat and tear well in her eyes at what you just said.
"Oh no, no, no I didn't mean it like that, Derpy. Come on--"
>She's already gone.
>The pegasus flies upstairs to your room and slams the door.
>Gentle sobbing accompanies you from above as you sit in the kitchen with your head in your hands.
>You really fucked up this time. 
>Couldn't just let her down easily, could you?
>The back door opens.
>"Woah. What's up with you?"
>You look up at your boss with a weary look.
"Derpy wants to get with me, but I shut her down way harder than I should have done. And now she's crying."
>"Wait, you made Derpy cry? Ooooh. That's not good. I'd watch your back if I were you."
"...Why?"
>"Derpy doesn't like rejection. She takes it harder than most given her somewhat "unique" way of talking to people. Doesn't have too many friends, the poor thing."
>Your boss nods slowly, a sympathetic look on her face.
>And then it's gone.
>"...Welp! I'm off again. Gotta go sort something out near Ponyville Lake. Bye!"
>She starts towards the door, a huge metal rod slung over her shoulder.
"Wait, what will Derpy do to me?"
>"Well I told her to be assertive. I don't know if she's done that yet, but Anon, lemmie tell ya, she REALLY likes you."
>The door shuts behind her.
>Then opens again.
>"Uhh, if you see a really really large bag in the cellar full of white stuff, don't eat it. Okay? Good."
>It shuts a final time and doesn't reopen.
>You can still hear Derpy upstairs crying.
>Better go and say you're sorry, then patch things up.
>Hopefully you can still be friends with her.
>Standing up, you head for the stairs, pausing at the bottom.
>It's only been 2 days. How have things gotten this bad so quickly?
>Shaking your head, you begin the climb.
>Derpy's sobs aren't letting up. It's quite heartbreaking to listen to.
>You reach the top and knock on the door gently.
"Derpy? It's Anon."
>"G-go away..."
>You gulp and push open the door anyway.
>Derpy is led on your bed, her back facing the door.
>Close the door as quietly as you can.
>It makes a soft click as it closes, alerting Derpy.
>"I said go away..."
"I can't do that, Derpy."
>Make your way over to the bed and sit down.
>You make no move to touch her, and just sit there.
>Derpy doesn't attempt to talk, so you take the lead.
"Why are you so into me?"
>"You're nice... And don't make fun of my eye."
"What, your lazy eye? Why would I make fun of that?"
>"B-because it's weird."
>The fuck.
"Derpy why would anyone make fun of your eye? And why is me being nice to you any reason to feel me up infront of customers?"
>She sighs.
>"I just wanted to have somep0ny to hold. And Miss told me to be assertive a-and 'take what I want'."
"Well no offence to the lady, but that's some terrible advice."
>"But what else can I do? I read all these books that Twilight gives me and try my best to do what the characters in there do, but nop0ny likes me. And now noalien likes me either..."
>You can't help but smile.
>She's a misunderstood, hopeless romantic. That's kind of adorable.
>Gingerly place a hand on her side, causing her breathing to be cut short.
"It's alright, Derpy. You don't need to depend on other people to make you happy. Nor do you need to re-enact these silly romance novels you read."
>"But what if I just want to feel loved?"
>Ahh shit. She's got you there.
"W-well you can always just..."
>You trail off, unable to answer her.
>"See? Not even you know what I can do. I'm just a useless, unlovable pegasus..."
"Well what would your novels say about this kind of situation?"
>Look at the mare's face.
>The side of it that you can see starts blushing, and a small smile creeps onto her face.
>"W-well I read a really naughty one that Twilight wasn't supposed to show me that had a scene like this that ended up with two characters going at it like diamond dogs."
>She giggles at the thought.
>Ho boy.
"Well uh, I don't think that's a very good--"
>She interrupts you, continuing on about the things she's read.
>"It was really really saucy. The stallion tenderly kissed her neck and worked his way down past her tummy all the way to her--"
"Okay! Well, I can see that you're feeling much better now. Right?"
>Derpy sits up, still blushing furiously.
>"I guess. Thanks for talking to me Anon."
"Uhh, well it was whatever the hell you've been reading that did most of the work here."
>Something about the way she's looking at you is off.
>She's biting her lower lip and her eyes are darting all over your body.
>Plus the air smells funny all of a sudden.
"Derpy? You okay?"
>"You know, Miss -did- say to be assertive. And now that you've reminded me of that particular novel... I'm feeling a bit dirty."
>She giggles softly.
>"I'm a dirty Derpy and someone should spank me!"
>Stand up, laughing nervously.
"Well! I needed to go out and fetch something from the shops. So I'll see you in a bit? Or do you need to go home? I think you need to go home."
>"You should punish me, Anon. It'll be just like in the story!"
"Just what in god's name have you been reading, woman?!"
>"I don't care, but it's got me feeling really hot and bothered. And I really REALLY like you, Anon."
"Can't we just be friends?"
>She pauses for a moment, considering what you said.
>After a moment of confusion, she smiles again.
>"Nnnnope."
>Then lunges for you.
"WOAHSHIT."
>Leap over to the door and throw it open, stampeding downstairs and towards the counter.
>The moment you enter the main room, the front door bursts open and three unicorns wearing masks and black jackets adorned with bright yellow snakes march in.
"We're closed at the moment! Having a bit of trouble with the employees!"
>The largest stallion steps forward
>"SHUT UP! WHERE'S THE BOSS."
"What? My boss? Ponyville Lake, I think. Why?"
>"Anon I'm feeling really horny right now!"
"Not now, Derpy there are some customers here!"
>"Who the hell was that?"
"My co-worker. I think she wants to rape me."
>The stallion shakes his head.
>"I uhh... SHUT UP! IF YOUR BOSS ISN'T HERE WE'LL JUST BE TAKING THE CONTENTS OF THE TILL!"
"Shit, are you robbing us?"
>"DAMN RIGHT WE ARE!"
>Pick up the till, not like it's heavy or anything.
"Well you can't have it! What are you gonna do, bite my kneecaps?"
>The three unicorns start charging their horns.
"Oh bollocks."
>Just as the leader fires at you, you get tackled to the floor.
>Derpy starts grinding herself all over you and kissing your face over and over.
>"Ah-Anon! I r-really need you to bend me over the counter and ram it in me right now! I need it so badly~"
"DERPY WE'RE BEING ROBBED!"
>"Yeah! We're robbing you!"
>"SHUT UP AND FIRE, LIGHTFREE!"
>"Sorry boss."
>Magic bolts start slamming into the counter and around the post office.
>Several breach the solid wood of the counter and narrowly miss you and Derpy, who is still grinding against you.
>"I want you to rob me Anon. Of my virginity!"
"YOU'VE BEEN READING WAY TOO MANY FUCKING NOVELS."
>A voice answers you from over the counter.
>"No I haven't!"
>"SHUT UP, LIGHTFREE! HE WAS TALKING TO THE BITCH TRYING TO RAPE HIM!"
>Derpy presses her lips against your as a large hole appears in the wood next to where her head just was.
>You break it off and pull her closer just as another arcane blast rips through the room, slamming into the stairs next to you.
"We need to get out of here, NOW!"
>"Yes! Let's go! We can go back to my place. Oh Anon I've waited so long! The lonely nights of just me and my hoof are over!"
>Clutching an extremely desperate pony in one arm and a till full of money in the other, you perform the worm towards the back door.
>Bits of wood and harsh language barrage you the entire time.
>By now, the counter is utterly wrecked, and there are holes all over the house.
>"CEASE FIRE! COME ON OUT... Wait, what the hell ARE you anyway?"
>"He's a human, boss. Didn't you hear about him?"
>"Oh yeah. Shut up."
>"COME ON OUT, HUMAN. OR WE'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND."
>You're nearly at the back door, and your salvation. If you stay low, they can't get any shots off at you.
>"D'ya think we killed him, boss?"
>"Crap. We might have done. The Yellow Baron won't be happy if anyone gets killed again."
>In a hushed voice, you talk to Derpy, still humping you and whimpering.
"We're almost there, Derpy, just a little bit longer."
>"Yes! I am almost thereeeaaaaAAAAAHHHNN!!~"
>"HEY! THEY AREN'T DEAD AT ALL! OPEN FIRE AGAIN!"
>Just as they start shooting in the direction they heard Derpy's orgasm, the backdoor flies open, narrowing missing your face.
>Your boss stands before you, light shining in behind her and giving her an almost angelic quality.
"Oh thank god you're here! There are three fancy-dress party ponies trying to steal the till, and Derpy just orgasmed all over my shirt!"
>"OOooh Anon~..."
>Derpy buries her face into you, inhaling your scent.
>Your boss slowly looks away from you, and towards the ruined counter, where magic bolts are still tearing the place up.
>One such missile hurtles through a thin wall and just barely misses her head.
>But she doesn't even flinch.
"Boss? Shouldn't we do something?"
>She blinks slowly, then takes off her blue-rimmed glasses.
>"Yeah. Alright then."
>The mare steps over you and towards the crossfire.
"You're not even a unicorn! Are you insane?!"
>She takes no notice, and calmly strolls into the room with the three stallions.
>Since you're still facing the back door in "worm" position, you can only hear what happens next.
>"Hey! There she is! Alright, you cow. The Baron wants her payment and she's prepared to go easy on-- AAAAGGGHH!!"
>Several shouts, screams, begs for mercy and chilling 'cracks' fill your ears.
>Derpy is still utterly contented and is now kissing your face over and over again.
>Your boss steps back into view, covered in blood.
>"Alrighty then. Anon, nice job protecting the till. Derpy, nice job... Doing whatever it is you're doing right now."
>She coughs
>"So uhh, if I give you both a raise, will you keep quiet about this?"
"Uhh. Sure, why not?"
>"Great. Nice. Perfect. Sooooo... Can you use a shovel?"

The End.