Originally uploaded to Pastebin: June 1st, 2014 --- I LOVE SHORTS. THEY'RE COMFORTABLE AND EASY TO WRITE. --- "Command? Come in, command." >... >"This is command, we read you, Anonymous." "I've hit planetside, no major problems so far. Visual feed is damaged but I can just provide description myself; weapons systems are functional and life support is running with no problems." >"Good to hear, Anonymous. Begin the search." "Command?" >"We hear you." "Terrain is suitable, plantlife is abundant, air seems to be breathable." >"Understood; don't remove your visor just yet, remain in your suit." "Yes, command. Should I search for second grade lifeforms?" >... "Command?" >"We hear you, Anonymous; commence the search, use of lethal force is only granted in self-defence scenarios, understood?" "Understood." >"Come in, Anonymous." "I'm here, Command." >"What's the situation like down there?" "Everything is fine. Peaceful, even." >"Update on the lifeforms?" "Plantlife continues to become more complex, the area is similar to Earth's biosphere. Seen a few second grade lifeforms: birds and rabbits." >"Say again, Anonymous, did you say 'birds and rabbits'?" "I did. More energetic than the kind we have back on Earth, but I can confirm that this planet has lifeforms more or less identical to our own." >"Holy-- Uh, carry on, Anonymous." "Command. Come in, command." >"What's the situation, Anonymous?" "I have found fourth grade lifeforms." >... >"...Are you certain?" "I am looking at houses right now. I see sapients moving around down there." >"What are they doing?" "Talking; playing; laughing. It's a fully fledged civilisation." >... "Com--" >"Anonymous, you are ordered to -not- engage or interfere, understood?" "Understood, command. What should I do?" >"Maintain your distance and try to remain hidden." "Shit." >"Anonymous?" "Command, one of them saw me." >"Retreat from the area to these coordinates, arm your weapon and prepare to defend yourself if necessary." "Understood, relocating." >"Come in, Anonymous." "Hhh..." >"Anonymous, are you there?" "Yeah... Just catching my breath... They're fast..." >"Are you injured?" "No, just out of breath; had to run to escape them." >"Can you confirm them as hostile?" "Not hostile; curious." >... >"Anonymous, what is your current location?" "Not far from the coordinates I received, lots of trees and tall grass; it comes up to my chest. The aliens are nowhere to be seen." >"Can you return to your previous location, the one with the houses?" "I could, though they might be waiting for me." >"Understood. Try and find a way to monitor them without alerting--" "They've found me." >"Anonym--" "Shitshitshit." >"Anonymous! Use force if necessary!" >... >"Anonymous?" "Not... Now, command!" >"Use your Ibrix Cannon!" "Arming... now..." >... >"Anonymous?" "It's stopped coming." >"What did you do?" "Fired at a nearby tree." >"Any collateral damage?" "No, tree was obliterated, and I think that gave it the message." >"They are no longer chasing you?" "It, command." >"'It'?" "Just one. Thought there were more because of the grass moving, but it was just one." >"Can you get a visual?" "I'm looking at it right now." >"Can you... Describe it?" "Yellow. Looks like a horse, has wings." >"...A flying yellow horse. Are you sure--" "Completely sure, command. It is a flying yellow horse." >"...What is it doing now?" "Watching me." >"Are you hurt?" "No. Just shaken, I've got my weapon pointed at it." >"How large is it." "Quite small. Maybe four feet tall?" >"Any offensive features?" "A bright pink mane." >"That's not-- be serious, Anonymous." "No. No claws or anything. Just seemed very intent on chasing me." >"Are you sure it wasn't... playing?" "Possible. Didn't want to take the risk." >"Understandable. Keep your distance for now." >... "It's moving closer." >"Maintain distance." "It's still coming." >"Can you retreat?" "I could, but it's got wings." >"It's actually capable of flight?" "I thought it might be like a chicken, only able to hover, but no; it can actually fly." >"Fire a warning shot." >... "Still coming." >"Okay, keep your visor down and activate shielding." "Shields online." >"Stand your ground, but be ready for anything." "Understood." >... >"Anonymous?" "Still coming. She's taking her time." >"She?" "Sorry, just looks like a female. Pink mane and all." >"Don't make judgements on gender just yet, Anonymous; they could be genderle--" "Female." >"Can you confirm?" "Yes. She's rubbing her vagina against my visor." >... >"...Anonymous, please repeat that last?" "The alien lifeform is hovering using her wings, and is rubbing her vagina between her legs against my visor." >... "She's winking at me." >"Anonymous are you bein--" "Yes. I am being completely serious. I would provide a visual feed but the feed was damaged in the landing process." >... >"Is she still doing it?" "Yes." >"...Damage... uh, report?" "My visor is covered in goo. Shielding isn't doing anything." >"Are your shields offline?" "Well no, they react to extreme kinetic energy, like blasts and frag rounds. She's not really doing anything rough; just kinda rubbing herself against me." >... "Like a cat." >"Can you make contact with her?" >... "Hello?" >"We read you, Anonymous." "No, not you, the alien; I'm keeping the feed open so you can hear what I'm saying." >"Good thinking, Anonymous." "Hello? Can you understand me?" >... >"Anything yet?" "She seems shocked that I can talk." >"What is she doing now?" "Whimpering and trying to pry off my visor. I think she's trying to get to me." >"Keep it sealed. Don't let her in for any reason." "Trust me, I won't." >... "God dammit." >"Anonymous?" "I touched her." >"You touched her?" "I held her in my hands and put her on the floor to try and get her to stop." >"How did she react? Violently?" "No, she just seems more determined to get inside my suit." >... "She's gone back to rubbing her vagina all over it." >"Anonymous, are there any other lifeforms in the area?" "I'd check, but she isn't even showing up on my radar. Not sure why that is." >"Is it broken?" "Hold on... yeah, actually, it is." >"Do a systems check, some of your more sensitive instruments might have been damaged during planetfall." >... "Yeah, visual feed offline, radar offline, homing beacon offline, radiation shielding offli-- oh wait, no, that one just came back online." >"Homing beacon, are you sure?" "Yes. It's cooked." >"Will have the boys look into it when you get back, see if we can't upgrade it to withstand atmospheric entry." "You can still see me though, right?" >"We still have you, don't worry, we can pull you out if things get too messy." "Things are already messy." >"Hostiles?" "No. She's getting goo everywhere. Can't see shit, hold on." >"What is she doing?" "Still checking my armour for kinks. I think she's starting to realise she can't get in." >"Be careful, she might be smarter than you think." "Don't worry, I've got my weapon trained on her at all times." >... >"We're getting an error back, is a part of your suit under attack?" "Yeah, my leg." >"What's the situation?" "She's humping my leg and moaning. ...It's really creepy." >"Remove her." >... "Removed... aaaand she's already back to humping. Unsure of how to proceed, command, do I fire upon her?" >"No, she doesn't seem capable of doing any physical harm to you; hold your fire." "Understood. Should I search for other lifeforms?" >"No. If they are all like this then it could pose a problem." "Explain." >"..." "Command?" >"Sorry about that, Anonymous; we're trying to make heads or tails of it up here. You can definitely confirm that she has been performing overly sexual acts on you?" "Yes, I can confirm. She's gone back to grinding her vagina on my visor." >"Stay where you are and do not attempt to find any others. If she's going through some kind of mating season then perhaps that explains her actions." "Yeah, I getcha." >"If they're all like this, you might get swarmed. We'll stay with one for now." "Understood." >"Perform a perimeter check, we're going to try something." >... "Area secure; weapon on standby in case of emergencies." >"Access your rations." >... "Rations compartment opened, you doing what I think you're doing?" >"What do you have in your inventory?" "Few grapes, some nutrigrade-seven, and a banana." >"Give her a grape." >... "Gave her the grape." >"How did she respond?" "She ate it." >"No side effects?" "None that I can see... but she's calmed down now, maybe she's hungry?" >"It's possible. Give her all the grapes you can spare." >... "She ate them all, looks like she enjoyed them as well. She's smiling at me." >... "Now she's making out with my visor." >"'Making out', Anonymous?" "Kissing. She's kissing my visor." >... "She's using a lot of tongue. ...god she's licking up her own juices..." >"...Still nothing from the grapes?" "No, she seems to be able to tolerate them. I think this planet's biosphere is almost identical to our own-- holy shit." >"Anonymous? Is there a problem?" "She's speaking to me." >"Confirm!" "She is definitely speaking. I can't understand a word of it but she's making words with her lips and vocal chords." >"Can you--" "No, I cannot understand it." >"Amazing. Well, Anonymous, that just about confirms it. You've actually found an intelligent species capable of construction, speech and rational thought on an Earth-like world!" "Yeah, it's uhh, pretty great." >"We'll pick you up ASAP, unless you would like to stay?" "No, no, I really don't." >"Understood. Any reason why?" "She got into my inventory." >"Searching for food?" "Yeah, the banana." >"Can she tolerate that?" "Oh yeah, she's tolerating it. Over and over again." >"...Anonymous you're not making se-- ...Oh." "Yeah." >... >"Evac inbound." "Please hurry, she's really getting into it." >"haha, understood, Anonymous." "It's not funny." >"Up here we can confirm that it's hilarious." "It's really not." >"...Anonymous, some of our boys in the lab have an urgent request for you before you are pulled out of there." "Go ahead?" >"Retrieve that banana." "Command, tell the boys in the lab to go straight to hell." The End.