The Misadventures Of Derpy Hooves Season 2 Episode 1: Domestic Life


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>The smell of stale heat, pheromones and a strange magic lingered in the air
> Their disgusting body orders are squeezing into our chamber.
> I loathe Little ponies….
> Awaking to their scent After all these years has only reminded me of their foulness.

> Even after all this time I can tell that they continue to act on primitive instincts.
> They are weak species made weaker by poor mate selection.
> I never thought nature would reward such recklessness.
> They are a species blessed with consciousness and magic but behave like animals 
> And have squandered their potential, ruining everything.

> If the Pegasi weren't so hateful their strength would unite them 
> If the unicorns weren't so pompous, their knowledge would free them.
> And if the Earth ponies weren't so ignorant, none would go hungry. 

> The ponies that rule over modern Equestria have always been flawed creatures.
> Our biggest mistake was not eradicating them when we had the chance…
> Sadly, our kindness was our downfall.
> Our kindness and our pity.

> The first of “Little Ponies” I ever laid eyes on were found deep inside the swamps of the Everfree.
> We stumbled upon them on a walk.
> A small earth pony tribe living in huts made of twigs glued together with mud.
> They knew nothing of magic or science and spent their days eating berries, mating with their kin and fighting.
 
> These weren't the first “little ponies” our kind had discovered
> A month prior, an alchemist who was looking for gems in the crystal cliffs discovered the pegasi tribes.
> Feeble creatures who hadn’t yet discovered fire, living in trees and feeding on leaves.
> The Unicorns were found by an enchanter soon after.
> They were found living in a system caves deep within mount Canterlot, using the glow of gemstones to navigate the darkness 

> Prior to their discovery we had ruled over Equestria for thousands of years, believing we were the only ponies.
> Their discovery put everything we believed into question and when the time came to decide what we should do with these savages, we were unsure.
> W debated whether to kill them, enslave them or let them die on their own terms.
> But after much discussion we decided to pity them and we blessed each race with magic to help them grow.
> Soon after bestowing the gift of magic we began watching them from afar, and slowly the little ponies were learning how to make fires, plant seeds and cast spells.
> We were proud of our little ponies
> But as we watched, we realized something was very wrong with them…

> They lived for only one purpose
> Procreation
> Everything the little ponies did was to attract a mate 
> Their obsession with intercourse blinded them.
> This was when we learned that their peculiar defects were caused by thousands of years of inbreeding

> They had no scruples regarding whom they copulated and we began to fear that our gifts would be used for unethical purposes.
> We decided to bring the races together in an attempt to stop the kin breeding but that only made them more excitable
> Unicorns began mating with Pegasi, earth pony with unicorns…
> Diseases quickly spread and our little ponies were quickly falling to disease.
> Our final act was to stop them from acting on their sexual desires all together.
> We tried everything from withholding food and magic to castration, imprisonment and killing.
> But despite our efforts to save them from themselves, they remained enslaved to their primitive nature. 
> Our attempt to cleanse the little ponies of their urges only led to anger…

> We tried so hard to save them
> But in the end, we had failed
> I pity the little ponies.
> But they ruined everything 
> And when we return, we won’t be so kind…

> A species that exists only to propagate their genes doesn't produce greatness
> All the little ponies ever valued is their repulsive idea of beauty.
> Their obsession with flesh, large rear ends and pleasure has only served to weaken them
> I can tell just by the smell that they have not evolved in mind, body or soul
> They don’t select on those biases…
> All they look for in a mate is a set of exaggerated, leaking genitals between their legs
> Enlarged orifices designed for even larger phalluses 

> I can only imagine the state they’ve fucked themselves into after all this time.
> These little ponies fight amongst themselves, but deep down they are all the same..
> Soft, pitiful little deviants who mate like mindless spring rabbits.
 
> Their is only one pure race of pony in Equestria
> But because of the little ponies and their traitor princesses, we now rest deep within the dark serpentines of the Ponyville mines, toiling in our stone caskets
> We've stewed in this dark, damp place for three thousand years 
> It's but a pittance of our eternal imprisonment. 

> But unbeknownst to the little ponies above, we have awoken.
> The pheromones in the air have corroded the stone, and I have regained my vision.
> And I can once again, see all.

> As they fall further into their depraved nature our casts slowly begin to crack 
> In my vision, I see the diluted princess, disconnected from her subjects while her sister dances in eternal dreams.
> Celestia. The breastless runt turned traitor, playing god to a kingdom of ants
> She’s somehow convinced the small minded ponies that she actually controls the sun
> The only power she wields is that of a curse which turns ponies to stone.

> Little does she know, her neurotic student has sealed their fate.
> I can see her now….
> The young Twilight Sparkle.
> She is only twenty years young but has already reached a quarter of her life.
> Pathetic little ponies and their short lives.

> In my vision I also see a pink, unkillable monster.
> A pony from a savage bloodline, raised in a far off land who’s been bestowed the honor of princess
> A monster who rapes within the walls of Canterlot castle without protest from Celestia.
> It makes me happy to learn that the little ponies have stumbled upon their own lost tribes….
> Ones which are more depraved than even themselves…

> Finally, I see a sweet little delivery pony of a cursed family carrying the sign of the apocalypse below her neck.
> I have never loved a little pony, but she is by far my favorite.

> Unlike the others, she has four large breasts similar to our physique.
> She may be one of "them" but she lies in the upper echelon of her ilk.
> I wish to crown her as one of us. And once all the little ponies have been destroyed I will pass the title of princess onto her.

> When enough milk has been spilled and the little ponies have met their inevitable end. These inbreds, mutts and monsters will pay for their inadequacy. 
> Dignity will finally be restored to the pony race.

> While the mares continue acting upon their unsustainable nature. 
> Rutting their species into the ground with reckless abandon. Their superiors slowly awaken beneath their hooves.

> Our return to the surface rests upon the decisions of one naive mail mare
> If she appeases the gods of nature she will break the spell of our imprisonment, thus setting into motion the eradication of all the little ones.

> But for now. We wait for our cross-eyed little princess to sow the seeds of her breed's destruction.
> I must say, I do like the ring of her name
> Princess Muffins 
> She will make for a wonderful leader of our species….


Twilight:

> When I began my studies, I never could have imagined the path I was marching down would be riddled with so many unorthodox challenges.
> My life in Ponyville started simple enough.
> Learning about friendship through gala tickets, misunderstandings and simple interpersonal conflicts between friends.
> (Though, sometimes I can never figure out exactly what they want)
> And still, their reasoning behind most of what they do is beyond any form of logic.
> But that's an entirely different story.
> Books are much easier to read than ponies.

> What I have between my friends was simple
> A series of low stakes adventures that only caused the most minor of inconveniences to my busy days of study.
> Heck, calling them adventures is too generous.
> They were more like speed bumps along my road of personal progress.

> I used to think managing my friend group was such a chore. But nowadays, I would trade anything to go back to that routine!
> Because instead of innocent misunderstandings between friends, my life has been consumed by sex driven shenanigans, breast related escapades and unyielding chaos 
> No matter the day
> No matter the time
> No matter how defeated I feel 
> The headache never ends…

> And it all started with the stupid party Pinkie threw last month.
> When I lived in Canterlot I never went to parties!
> Because partying is a waste of study time!
> I took pride in my studies when I was attending Canterlot College.
> My attendance was second to none and I was miles ahead of all my peers in every field of magic.
> I spent countless nights perfecting my abilities and diving into every book I could get my greedy little hooves on.
> In a decent world, my hard work would've paid off…
> But instead, my studious studying has brought me here…
> Sitting across from an angry Celestia who refused to even look me in the eye out of pure disgust and disappointment. 

> In a just world, I would be working as a royal ambassador, the head bookkeeper to the Canterlot library or maybe even a princess.
> I’m confident that if my life's path hadn’t taken me down this awful detour through Ponyville I would be occupying one of those positions right now 

> But sadly, fate seems to have different plans for me…
> So feeling more Powerless and ashamed than ever before. I sit across from my mentor
> The god of all ponies, Princess Celestia herself 
> The all powerful alicorn who raised me like her own since I was knee high to a ladybug
> Since I was only young she’s provided me every opportunity for greatness and I took advantage of every chance for self improvement the she could offer.
> But above all. She treated me like a daughter.

> When the pony who raised you doesn't even look you in the eye anymore
> It creates a sense of guilt so heartbreaking I didn’t think possible.
> Her face was concealed behind a newspaper which she was holding with her magic

> With her unoccupied hooves, she blindly slither her right leg along the table
> The table was always covered with an absurd amount of desserts in every shape and size 
> I was too scared to even try and eat them.
> So instead of enjoying the food myself, I watched the princess like a sport
> Whenever her hoof landed on something she thought acceptable she pocketed the delight into her hoof and brought it behind the newspaper where she would consume it like a wild animal
> I watched as she fumbled her lackadaisical hoof over the tabletop, molesting every dessert in her path.

> After finishing her first delicacy she went in for another treat.
> This time, she rested her hoof over a pink cupcake
> She must’ve felt a stong connection to this particular pastry because she snatched quickly
> Like a predator attacking an easy kill
> Celestia began snacking like it was the last cupcake in Equestria.

> The princess is a messy eater, who shovels food down her throat piggishly 
> And while I couldn’t see her face from behind the newspaper, I could hear her lips smacking obnoxiously
> Every now and then she would slam her hoof into her chest and cough.
> Producing the most sick, guttural noise I had ever heard come from a pony.
> Below the newspaper, her large stomach rested along the tabletop 
> A perky, white lump of flesh jiggling and rumbling
> Despite being thousands of years old, she has the body of a young mare
> And not just the body of any mare
> But the perfect young mare body.

> Not too fat, but definitely not skinny
> The right amount of chub in all the right places.
> Most mares have trouble keeping their weight up.
> Gorging is what we do to attract partners.
> Call it chub, plump or fat, it's sexy.
> love handles, belly fat, thick thighs and big rump separates the fillies from the mares.

> But unlike most ponies, Celestia wasn't showing any signs of "Prolonged weight gain syndrome."
> most mares would end up in the hospital or worse if they ate like Celestia did on a regular biases
> She carries no unsightly stretch marks and theirs not a speck of  discoloration in her fur
> Instead, her coat glowed a holy, virgin white like it always did.


> With her nose in the paper, she muttered under her breath
> One of her many little quirks that she did without realizing 
> I raised my ears slightly to listened
> I heard muttering that sounded like she was reading aloud to herself, but other times she was growling in a low, frustrated tone 

> Sometimes it was hard to tell if she was reading or ranting…
> But her expletives were often a good indicator 
> Because I don’t think the Canterlot Press wrote “Fucking degenerates” In their publication
> But if they did, they used the phrase quite liberally, because she was spitting profanity after almost every word.

> "Fucking Pegasi….Stupid, ingrates…" She growled 
> "Fucking Cadance and her whoring…embarrassing the royal name….Damn slut…"

> This was the Celestia ponies outside the castle aren’t privileged to meeting 
> The crude, rough around the edges princess that she’s hidden behind a larger-than-life regal roleplay 
> I’ve had the opportunity to become acquainted with both the public and private versions of the princess.

> And after knowing both, I can say that the Celestia behind closed doors is much more frightening.
> Her threats seem less empty when she's not playing pure and innocent princess for the public spectacle.
> And the thought that she could cast a spell and turn me into whatever she wanted on a whim runs through my mind often. 
> But the possibility that she would actually do such a thing becomes a legitimate concern when we’re alone at dinner and I see her horn kindled in that violent yellow glow.

> I often need to  remind myself that she probably wouldn't do such a thing.
> I figure that the reason she hasn't turned me into a toad, or sent me somewhere far away yet  is because she knows my value. 
> Disposing of me would set her back twenty years of training, study and priming.
> I fear Celestia like death itself. But if I were asked who the nicest pony in Equestria is, I would have to say Celestia.
 
> Despite her larger than life reputation, controlling the sun and ruling over everypony beneath it.
> She’s more similar to your average mare than one would expect.
> I believe that if ponies knew the real Celestia they would see that behind all her glamor 
is a misunderstood pony who loves nothing more than fine food, an evening in the garden and smooth, hard drinks.
> This is the true Celestia that I know and love.

> But just because she’s a teddy bear doesn't mean we shouldn’t fear her.
> Especially me.
> Nothing makes me more nervous than being summoned by the princess for breakfast to attend one of her “meetings" 
> This is my third visit to the castle this month and at each meeting I receive more scrutiny than the last.
 
> I’ve come to expect this sort of treatment.
> Catching a train in the dead of night to attend a meeting while everypony is still asleep, only to be given the cold shoulder for an hour was par for the course at this point 
> It's how she asserts dominance 
> (And I'd be lying if I didn't find this hot.) 
> Honestly, in doesn’t even matter when she summons me because I barely get a wink of sleep anymore….

> She could summon me at any hour and I’ll hop on the next train to Canterlot in a heartbeat
> Though, I would prefer a bit of shut eye if I ever did find the time.
> I yawned and rubbed the crust from my tired eyes.
> Fighting myself from passing out
> Our conversation began with “hello” and abruptly ended there.
> She had sunk into her reading and hadn't given my presence a second thought since.
> It had been an hour and I was starting to stir. 

> The silence paired with my sleep deprivation and general anxiety was like oil meeting a flame.
> She knew this was torturing me
> why else would she do it?
> My mind wanders to the strangest places in silence and the longer I sit with nothing but my thoughts the more I stew in self doubt and worry.

> I think she was trying to build suspense, but we both knew why I was here. It was the only reason she ever invited me to the castle anymore…
> I just wish she would get my flogging over with so I could catch the next train home and try to get some rest
> But I’d be a fool to expect mercy from the princess 
> Dragging myself from Ponyville to Canterlot at this hour was part of her torment and she was no doubt relishing in my discomfort 

> The most annoying part about my recent summons are the problems she expects me to solve.
> Any reasonable pony would know that what she’s demanding of me are impossible tasks 
> But at the same time, it's an issue Celestia would prefer to keep quiet and I'm the only pony she trusts to tackle such important issues.

> It's the only reason she chose me for this job…
> Because no matter how many responsibilities she stacks atop my trembling backside she knows she can always load another burdon atop my spine
> And all I ever do is agree and promise I'll do my best.
> I just hope the weight of the world bends my spine instead of breaks it…

> She needs me to do her dirty work. 
> The problems Equestria has become entangled in carry no glory, satisfaction or dignity 
> No royal should ever concern themselves, let alone dirty their hooves with the sexual degradation of a small, insignificant village below the mountain.

> It's beneath her.
> Heck! It’s below anypony!
> But at the same time, this was the attitude that put that disgusting the backwater on the map in the first place.
> Ponyville is a place Celestia speaks of in the foulest of tones.
> The word "Ponyville"  elicits such a violent reaction in her and I could almost feel the hate in her voice
> As if just saying the name sully's her royal tongue.

> I rested my eyes on the golden police badge which she placed in front of me when I arrived
> Inscribed in the metal were the words "Moral Authority."
> It's obvious what this piece of metal symbolizes
> Yet another burdon on my aching back

> I felt my eyelids begin to fall
> I took a large swig of milk from my glass and shivered 
> It was cold and tasted salty 
> Cow's milk. 
> Much better than goat milk but not nearly as palatable as mare milk, which I was slowly starting to stomach.
> Celestia peaked from behind her paper for the first time in an hour and shot me a look of pure disgust 
> Like myself, the princess isn't a fan of milk.

> And considering how many laws there are regarding the substance, I'm willing to bet she hates the stuff more than even I do.
> But I doubt that
> She hasn't been forced to drink exclusively milk for the past month like I have…

> If I were to speak freely on the matter I would tell her that I don't believe alicorns should be the judges of what is right and what is wrong sexual practice.
> At least not Celestia or Luna, who were both born without the organs necessary for mating or even the desire for intercourse
> The two princesses were like an evolved version of ponies in that way. 
> Between their legs was nothing but smooth flesh.
> They have a childlike curiosity about sex and I'm always taken aback whenever Celestia brings up the topic.

> She's the most powerful being in all of Equestria yet has never experienced an orgasm or fallen into lust.
> Whenever I’m reminded of her chastity I take a step back and try to get inside her head a little.
> After ruminating on the issue I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were in her shoes, I would probably find sex repulsive too.

> Whenever she asks about sex I try to keep it simple. I tell her that sex feels really good and is part of love.
> This answer keeps her satisfied briefly….

> I remember one day in the garden where she asked specifically about unicorn mating practices.
> It became one of our most difficult conversations. 
> I'm not the most sexually experienced pony, but nothing gets me off like completely submitting myself to a stronger pony
> Add some whips and needles into the mix and I'm in heaven 
> Afterall, it’s in my nature.

> As the most evolved race of ponies in Equestria it's only natural that we have the spiciest sex practices
> When I explained the appeal of domination and pain to her she didn't seem to understand.
> She tilted her head like a confused puppy and like an idiot I kept talking…
> Going on about blindfolds, candle wax, asphyxiation and the pleasure of pain.
> When I was done explaining I was out of breath she looked furious.
> She told me to “Never talk about unicorn culture ever again.”
> I agreed.

> Maybe I went a little overboard with the details…
> I mean…She doesn't even understand the pleasure of penetration!
> I don't think adding whips and needles into the equation helped further her understanding.
> Sometimes I feel like she keeps me around as spokespony for sex with the amount of times she asks me to justify the act.
> I feel lots of pressure when she asks me sex related questions and I worry that if I begin painting sex in a bad enough light she’ll outlaw it completely 
> I wouldn’t put it past her to try and do such a thing….

> I often feel like I hurt her opinion on the topic more than help it
> I mean…I’ve never had a stallion friend, and I don’t count my nightly encounters with Cloudchaser as romantic…. 
> I really couldn’t tell her much other than what I’ve read and I masturbate too.
> If she extrapolated anything from what I told her it's that Unicorns aren’t as civil as they like to pretend they are.
> And she’d be right to believe that.

> But in defense of unicorns. Our sex may be the most eccentric of all the races, but it's far less primitive than the earth ponies practices and isn’t coupled with cruelty like the entirety of pegasi culture.

> Despite her almost extraterrestrial understanding and outspoken hatred, Celestia is quite laissez faire when it comes to most sex laws.
> Each race has different cultural/biological practices and she generally leaves those aspects of our behavior to our natures.

> But I can tell that she views sex as nothing more than a necessary evil 
> She even includes the practice under her umbrella of "degenerate acts" alongside murder and high sugar foods.

> Celestia has taken upon herself to criminalize many completely sexual practices throughout her reign
> But most of these sex laws stem from unfounded beliefs.
> I don’t know where she picked up her ideas regarding sex before talking to me, but all her laws seem incredibly arbitrary. 

> For instance, one of her laws state that mares are not allowed to "use items that imitate a phallus in shape or size then use said item to penetrate the orifice of another mare"
> Another states that “Anypony accused of drinking sexual bodily fluids is to serve two months in the dungeon.”

> Her most severe punishments are doled out to milk offenders. 
> If a pony is found drinking mare milk they will be swiftly punished.
> Producing and distributing mare milk is seen as an even worse offense and will land a pony a lifetime in the dungeons, or worse…

> This law exists solely because Celestia believes that if ponies start drinking each other's milk it will throw the balance of Equestria into chaos.
> sigh…

> Sometimes when it's late and I’m staring into space listening to the crickets, I'm overcome by the sobering reality that we’re all living in a world controlled by a mare plagued with delirium.
> The thought that she has ultimate control over every aspect of our lives has sent me into existentialism on more than occasion.

> I stared down at my reflection in the badge 
> I'm not looking forward to becoming this "moral authority" 
> I’m dreading the responsibility she’s about to bestow upon me.

> I'm not a cop! I doubt I could even pass the physical! And I can barely find enough time to sleep as it is!
> Now she expects me to enforce her most unpopular laws?
> I can feel that sinking sensation in my stomach growing and my breath begin to quicken 
> My gut gets twisted whenever adds a new responsibility onto my already daunting list of duties 

> The letters, the friendships, working as a librarian, practicing magic, stopping evil!
> It’s all so exhausting…

> My dedication to the study of magic didn’t prepare me for any of this!
> Heck! I started feeling out of my depth when I was ordered to attend the Summer Sun Celebration a couple years ago!
> Now I have friends, I need to write letters, keep Equestria safe from existential threats, learn lessons, keep my house in order….

> The worst is the friendship letters.
> I know she enjoys reading about my friends, but the less she knows the better
> All my friends are degenerates and she would lock them up in a flash if I wrote about what they were really up to.

> All my friends are into some kind of weirdness  
> All my friends and Derpy…
> I don't count Derpy as a friend, but she’s somehow found a way into my life.
> Derpy is an affront to everything Celestia stands against just by her existence
> She leaks milk from her breasts constantly and is more than a little odd
> But the less I think about Derpy Hooves the better. 

> I’m grateful for my opportunities, but this unexpected turn in my life's path has led me down a trail of many unnecessary challenges.
> I stood hoof to claw with angry Manticors, defeated the princess of the night and even overcame the god of chaos himself! 

> But my hardest challenge was my most recent affliction
> I’ve fallen to a curse designed to inflict its victim with nastiest of ailments if its directions aren’t followed
> An innocuous promise pen has left me in shambles 
 > By its order I am forced to drink only milk under threat of a fate worse than death
> Accompanied with the burdon is a blemish across my face which reads "I promise to only drink milk" 
> Printed in blackest ink, it serves as a constant reminder of how she raped me….

> It saddened me to no end and the words angered Celestia greatly 
> Meeting the wrong end of a promise pen has set our relationship back years
> I can tell she no longer trusts me like she once did and her respect for me has gone into limbo.

> Curses!
> I’m getting into my head again 
> Idleness always leads down the road of terrible thoughts 
> I wish she would say something….
> Why won’t she say Something!?

> I leaned forward and perched my hooves along the edge of the table 
“Princess…Do you think we could maybe…talk about….something?”
> “I’ll speak with you when I’m ready. You’re lucky I didn’t force all your friends to accompany you.” She hissed
> I nodded and fell back in my chair
> She didn’t even give me the decency to remove the newspaper from her face to berate me.
> She speaks to me like I’m nothing more than another one of her servants now…
> It’s humiliating.
 
> My belly grumbled and a sharp pain vibrated in my gut 
> Drinking nothing but milk made me bloated and felt fatter than usual.
> My friends tell me I look fine, but I know they’re just trying to spare my feelings.

> I’m grateful for my friends.
> But sometimes they behave more like enemies…Or at the very least roadblocks.
> Not intentionally of course, and I partly blame myself
> Specifically, for my extremely generous arrangements at the library
> I felt compelled to extend a helping hoof to Pinkie Pie and her sister after the Cakes kicked them out.

> But what I didn’t allow is for her to stuff her bloated sister into the corner of the library and be forced to listen to her whining stomach all night!
> And I don’t even want to THINK about what the library will look like when I get home!
> Derpy has probably loaded the entire place with random nonsense yet again!

> She’s turned my pristine, well organized home into a state of complete disrepair!
> I should never have allowed her to start operating that sham delivery service from the library.
> She’s messy, clumsy and never shuts up!
> The worst part is that I never see her doing any actual work!

> I’m not a stupid mare! I know that all the trash she orders is just to look busy!
> She still hasn’t told me why there’s twenty boxes of Dr. Hooves industrial strength tape in my bedroom! Or why she orders any of the other crap she buyd!

> She orders all these things and never uses them!
> It’s like living with a hoarder!
> If I didn’t feel so guilty I would’ve kicked them both to the curb long ago.


> Having roommates and ponies walking into my home like they own the place is difficult.
> I’ve never lived with other ponies besides my family 
> When I was in school I was granted my own tower where I had access to all the privacy and books I pleased

> Now, I can't get a wink of sleep or go a day without a headache thanks to the bubble-brained mail mare and the party whore of Ponyville!
> I don’t enjoy either of their company for prolonged periods, they’re both sick in the head! 
> Derpy is as dumb as dirt, and Pinkie is a hyperactive, love starved nympho.
> They’re driving me crazy!
> Friendship is hard
> Especially when you have friends like Derpy and Pinkie 

> With her head buried in the issue of the Canterlot Times I began to re read the cover for the hundredth time
> The front cover had a picture of Sugar Cube Corner sealed shut by police tape
> It has been a month since the party, but it's still the talk of Equestria. 
> And rightfully so.
> What I had seen that night will haunt me longer than any Manticore attack.
> The headline said it all:
> “Investigation continues into the Ponyville sex party that left Six injured, one in critical and one dead.”

> It had all the makings of a great story
> And all the ingredients to make for a very angry Celestia
> it's a journalist wet dream that the press was milking like a sacred cow.


> Celestia peaked over the corner of the paper and glared at me
> I pulled myself up into a dignified position and froze
> Clasping my hooves together over the table like a good student
> "Mare milk production on the rise in all of Equestria, Ponyville dubbed the capital of degeneracy.” She read

“Princess, I can explain.” I stuttered 
> She folded the paper and placed it neatly at her side
> “Twilight?” She asked in her softest tone “Do you think I’m a joke?”
“No princess! I swear I’ll find out who’s producing the milk!”
> I tried to catch myself but it was too late
> I allowed my panic to consume me and exposed all my fear and frustration
> My outburst didn’t impress her

> “You promised that a month ago.” 
> Her collected tone was an affront to my chaos
> A passive assertion of dominance
> She was always scariest when she spoke this collected tone
> I knew that beneath the calm she was furious.

> I inhaled deeply and tried to compose myself 
> Losing my head never did me any good.
> I’ve been trying to make a habit of keeping calm.
“Princess, I’ve been trying my hardest to find the culprit but I’m begging you to see eye to eye. In a town like Ponyville, anypony could be providing the milk. The mares in town aren’t like the ones in Canterlot, they all have giant breasts.”
> Hearing myself say that out loud felt weird
> But it was the truth 

> “So I’ve heard.” 
> She took a slow sip of tea then placed it on the cozy
> “Twilight? Is this mission beyond you?”
“What do you mean princess?”
> I asked knowing exactly what she was implying 

> “You’ve embarrassed me Twilight. Not only have you failed me over and over again but your curse has put me in a very difficult position. “I promise I will only drink milk….” She scoffed
> She stared at me with narrowed eyes
> “Do you know what the punishment for treason is?”
“Princess! I would never betray you!”

> “If this was our first meeting on the issue I would be more forgiving. But the fact that you still haven’t done what I ask leaves me with suspicion. And everytime I see those words etched into your face I become increasingly wary of where your allegiance truly lies.”

> I bowed my head
“Princess, I haven’t lost faith in your power and would never question your authority. My loyalty rests in you alone and I’ll do whatever it takes to please you.”

> “I see.” She replied in a sarcastic tone
“Princess, please! Don’t do anything you’ll regret! As tempting as it may be to turn me  into something unnatural, you must still see my worth, right?”

> She looked thoughtful, like she was weighing the pros and cons of destroying me inside and out.
> My value to her may not be worth as much as it once did, but she knows that there are no ponies she could substitute that could do all the task I’ve been assigned.

> “What lengths do you intend to take inorder to track down this pony?”
“I’ll do anything!”
> She smiled and nodded her head then pulled a small book from under the table 
> As she flipped through the pages she began to explain the the purposes of the badge
> “In front of you is a badge of supreme command. Wear it with pride and use the authority behind it to do what it takes to find this criminal. You’ll be granted authority above all levels of law, besides the obvious of course…”
“You mean…”
> “As long as you don’t infringe on any rights…Ponies seem to hate when I do that, even when it's to benefit them.”

> She lifted her head, and her horn began to glow 
“Princess…What are you doing?” 
> “It’s complicated…Just don’t move.”

> I sat as still as I could 
> My body began to tingle as her magic consumed me
> Between my legs a ticklish feeling erupted and I began to squirm 
> “Hold still.” She ordered 

> I tried to contain myself but the feeling was incredibly electric and pleasurable 
> My breasts began to feel strange
> I looked down and between my thighs I saw them start to grow
“Princess…What are you doing?”

> “You had told me a number of times about how the mares in Ponyville have large breasts…Perhapes being an outsider has hindered your ability to relate to the locals. So, I’m making you fit in.”
> I watched as my breasts became larger, forcing my hind legs apart
> Soon they were touching the floor, their weight pulling me to the ground 
“Princess, I really think that this is big enough…”
> “Nonsense! I want you to REALLY feel like you're part of the community.”
> I could tell that her motivations weren’t only to serve the mission
> She wanted to punish me.

> My breasts became bigger, rivaling the size of even the most well endowed mares in Ponyville 
> The stretching was beginning to hurt as she pushed my body to its limit
> Large stretchmarks and veins formed across the heavy and hard balls of fat
> It felt like my breasts were about to explode from the mounting pressure
> As they grew even larger, they began to move the table

“Princess…I implore you to stop!” I cried
> She closed her eyes and bucked her nose to the sky with a playful smile 
> “Please Twilight, let the magic do its work.”

> Monster….
> A few more seconds of agony passed and my breasts stopped expanding 
> The pain subsided and they began to gurgle
> I placed my hooves over my breasts 
> They’re larger than even Clodchasers!
> How was she expecting me to walk with these things!?

> “Don’t you look adorable!” She giggled 
> When I looked down at my melons I was staggered by the amount of veins running through them.
> Little ones connected to big ones
> A giant one appeared along my belly and ran up into my heart
> I poked at the artery, which wiggled and evaded my hoof

“What the…What's this thing?”
> Celestia looked through her book
> I didn’t feel good knowing that she didn’t understand the magic she was toying with.
> “Oh! That's your subcutaneous abdominal vein…It says to avoid bruising it as injuring this vain could lead to extreme blood loss…”

> I hate how casually she was taking this…
> That wasn’t even the worst of it
> These thing weighed a ton each and felt like they were about to pop
“How am I supposed to get around like this!?”
> She flicked her hoof in the air  “Oh! I’m sure it won’t be too hard!” she giggled
> She pulled a necklace from the small table beside her and clipped it around my neck
> The jewel in the center began to glow white

> “What’s this!?”
> I was too peeved to hide my frustration any longer
> “I’ve  bound this necklace to you. Occasionally it will elicit a small magical shock to remind you of your duties.”
> “A shock? What do you mea…”

> The necklace glowed bright and a powerful electric wave pulsed through my body
> My limbs buckled and my mind fell blank
> Between my legs a combination of cum and urine squirted from my crotch and my teats began to violently discharge milk.

> This wasn’t a shock collar, it was an orgasm chain!
> Only the sex ignorant Celestia could make such a ridiculous mistake 
> The light in the collar faded and the shocking ceased
> I was left in a mess of my own fluids, the last of the energy reverberating through me like a hum.

> My mind was fried and my body numbed
> Celestia stared at me like a curious creature.
> “Does that hurt?”
“No….It’s fine….” I moaned bringing my hoof to my pained head
> “That's good to hear. I know that you unicorns like pain and I didn’t want to find a curse you would find enjoyable. When I tried the collar myself I didn’t feel anything. I assumed I was simply too powerful for the pathetic charm.”

> “I guess so…” I replied still in a daze
> The chain probably proved useless because she doesn’t have genitals.
> It was times like this I was happy Celestia didn’t know about sexual pleasure  
> Because by the sounds of her intentions, she was looking for something that would be legitimately painful

> I slid my hoof below the ridge of my nipple and collected a tablespoons worth of milk
> I’ve never been able to produce much milk, but with these new breasts I was soaked in letdown. 
> Celestia began to laugh 
> “I guess this will solve your milk drinking problem?”
> I drained the milk from my hoof onto the floor
“How so?” I grumbled 
> “Twilight my dear, you’re my personal keeper of morality. You’re above any law that so long as you don’t trample over Equestrias founding charter or any of its fundamental amendments. You can drink as much milk as you need to fulfill your task and to keep that nasty curse at bay.” 

> She closed her eyes and arched her neck backwards then placed her hoof over her heart
> “And if you can’t find the mare responsible for all of this chaos, then I think it would be appropriate we go our separate ways. I will find a new student and you will serve as an example to any at risk taking, milk drinking mares of what their fate will be if our culture continues to spiral into this sexual turmoil. They will become big breasted, milk addicted failures just like you.” She spat
“Celestia I…”
> “I may not possess the organs or mental faculties for lust. But I believe that Mares are decent, and respectable creatures. Not oversexualized, degenerate, fuck fiends .”

> The door behind me swung open 
> I spun in my seat andsaw  Candance gamboling into the room
> “Hello!” She sang
> She slid into the seat beside me and shot Celestia a smile but Celestia was anything but impressed
> Cadence had a wad of cum dangling from her bottom lip.
> Below her left eye and along her muzzle were clumps of seed trickling down her face
> “Cadence.” Celestia grumbled 
>”Hi Celestia!” She sang

> Celestia stared at her with fiery contempt in her eyes
> Cadance stared back with an empty headed smile
> “Wipe your face.” Celestia growled 
> Cadence looked down and saw the string of cum dripping from her chin
> “Oh! Sorry princess! I had a late breakfast.”  she giggled 
> She wiped her mouth with her hoof and smiled, 
> She left the other blotches of semen untouched and I watched as the sticky white flid rolled down her face
 > “Your guards are quite well endowed princess…It's a shame you don’t possess the necessary parts to enjoy them to their fullest.” Cadance said in a tongue and cheek sort of way

> I hid my face behind my hooves and cringed
> For the love of harmony kill me…
> Cadance is the last pony I was hoping to see today.
> We last spoke at her wedding a year ago before she scampered north to raise hell in the Crystal Empire.
> What was she doing in Canterlot!?

> “My guards are not to be “enjoyed” Celestia hissed “They’re highly trained, soldiers."
> “They’re a bunch of one pump chumps!” Cadance giggle rolling her eyes

> I hate Cadance 
> She knew damn well that the ponies of the royal guard had sworn a vow of celibacy. 
> I don't know why she keeps seducing them
> All it accomplishes is getting Shining in trouble and weakening our army.
> She may be an alicorn, but she still has her territorial pony-predator mentality that Luna was trying to nurse out since she was a filly.

> Cadance isn’t a normal pony
> Heck, sometimes I don’t even think she is a pony!
> She comes from a rare breed of Pegasi who were found in a lost, uncontacted village in the southern deserts.
> A violent and filthy breed of Pegasi whose behavior is more similar to lions than of any pony.

> Luna adopted Cadance when she was hunting for a pupil
> She adopted Cadance hoping to nurture the savagery from her blood.
> Luna taught her magic, history, science and how to be a princess.
> All the magic and education resulted in Cadance becoming extremely dangerous

> The village in which Cadance was raised lies in an uncharted land where there lives only breed of pony
> An ancient subspecies of the pure blood Pegasi 
> Because of her purity, likes being referred to as the last "ultra pure Pegasi" because theirs not a drop of earth pony or unicorn mixed into her blood.
> But most ponies just call them Predator Ponies because of their overly-violent, sex addicted  and psychologically twisted nature.

> Their discovery is one that the ponies of Equestria would live happily without
> But thankfully, they are a stupid breed and haven’t found a way into Equestria proper
> One Predatory Pony lives within our borders 
> And not only did we bring her into our home we made her a princess

> If I had my way they would up again’t a wall
> They offer only violence and degeneracy
> Despite having such a strong opinion on the issue, I don't speak my mind on it often
> The last thing I need is Cadance finding out about what I think of her and her disgusting race.

> What help Cadance win the hearts of Equestria initially was her unique control of love through magic and her ancient beauty 
> She has Long, slender legs
> A tucked belly 
> A perfectly groomed coat
> And six perky teats riding along the underside of  her barrel 
> She’s a strange looking creature.
> Half pony, half reptile, half …I don’t even know….
> On all accounts she’s a living, breathing fossil in our modern world.

> And the crown atop her head makes her the most dangerous creature in Equestria we have  not encased in stone.
> Cadance has her uses, but she mostly spends her days fucking and acting on her sadistic nature.
> It's obvious that Celestia hates Cadance as much as I do.
> Not only because Cadance is Luna's student.
> Her disgust runs much deeper.
> Cadance represents everything Celestia believes is wrong with Equestria 
> She’s complete degenerate who fucks anything that moves, enjoys playing with her “food” and relishes in any sort of attention.


> Cadance wrapped her leg around my neck
> “Hey Twilight! Long time no see!” She cheered 
“Hi!” I strained trying to sound happy to see her
“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the Crystal Empire?”
> "What am I doing?” She started to giggle and snort
> “Oh, you know…the usual stuff…Fucking anypony I want, disposing of the redundancies within the royal guard.”
> She stuck out her tongue and blew raspberries
> “Same old, same old.”

> She looked down between my legs and smiled
> “Oh! Nice tits! Are they new? They look great!" She began to poked them, causing milk to squirt out of my nipples like tiny cannons.
> "Mi Amore Cadanza." Celestia snarled, slamming her hoof on the table 
> Cadence stopped poking me and we both froze 
> "We are having a meeting. You have no business here. Leave!"

> Cadance smiled devilishly and arose from her seat
> She crawled over the table and I was granted an unwanted view of her rump
> I watched the cum and vaginal fluids drip from her pussy
> I threw my hooves over my mouth in disgust

> She had little respect for decency or how to behave and never bothered to clean herself of her lovers juices.
> Instead, she allowed the seed of her parents to rest where they spilled.
> This practice made her entire body sticky and smell foul.
> She slithered over the table and met Celestia eye to eye
> With less than half a hoof between their snouts Cadance sniped at the princess 

> "You don’t think I’m entitled to ALL matters relating to the throne? I’m a princess of Equestria the same as you, I'm not in a need to know basis. If even a single pony wants make love to me, kill me or console in me I need to know."
> “You will never be a princess in my eyes.” Celestia replied 
> “Don’t be mean.” Cadance said in a feigning hurt feelings
> “You’ll make me cry.” Cadance chucy

> “You're nothing but a slut…A failed experiment. Your time is past. Remove thy crown and return to the sands in which you came.”
> Cadence rested the hoof she used to wipe the cum off her face over Celestias cheek
> “You know princess…I bet you give a great head." Cadance laughed  "You wanna get between my legs? I promise to treat you right. I bet you know how to lick! It's all you can do after all!”
> Cadance giggled to herself and Celestia shoved her back into her seat
> She fell backwards into her chair

> When her rump hit the chair it made a lid "splat!' and cum started to oozed over the edges of the chair
> “Listen here you little wench! I have no obligation to answer to you. If you desperately crave attention from a superior than go home and crawl back to Luna!”
> I hadn’t heard Celestias royal tone before 
> The anger  wasn’t even directed at me and I was still shaking in my seat.

> Cadance on the other hoof, well she looked like she was having the time of her life annoying Celestia 
> “You know I can’t do that!” Cadance sang in an upbeat tone “Your sister is a fucking vegtable rotting in her room!”
> I felt my heart in my throat
> Their were places no pony should tread and Cadance had just stepped way over the line.
> Celestia looked undone
> Like the comments had pulled apart the stitches of her heart.

> What was left was an angry, deflated princess 
> “Why don’t you visit her anymore?” Cadence asked, going from a teasing in a sing song tone to deathly serious.
> “Your sister is dying and you're too much of a coward to face her. You may be older and more powerful but she’s twice the princess you’ll ever be.”
> A sick little grin crept across her face
> She was trying to refrain from smiling, but she was having too much fun to not relish.
> She’s such an evil creature
> “You watch that foul tongue!” Celestias voice trembled 

> Cadance hissed like a snake, presenting the rows of jagged nails in her mouth 
> Her forked tongue wriggling uncontrollably between them as her pupils turned from normal pony eyes to reptilian in the blink of an eye
> Her pupils became long vertical slits surrounded by a blood red iris


> Quickly, I grabbed Cadences leg and began to gently stroke her fur.
> She twisted her head and looked down at me then froze in pleasure
> Her slitted eyes slowly began to recede back into regular pony pupils 
> Her pupils grew until they consumed the entirety of her eyes as she began to blush
> A large, smile grew across her face as she began brushing my leg in turn.

> In her love trance she became very gentle and was incredibly focused on being as tender as possible.
> Cadance’s weakness was a warm touch
> It subdued her and sent her into “love mode”
> “Wow….You have very nice fur…” Cadance said in warm, loving tone.
> "Do you want me?"
"Ummm….No it's fine Cadance, I actually…"
> She leaned in close and kissed me on the lips 
> Her mouth tasted sweet and salty, I could only imagine what that could cause THAT taste.
> I shoved her away, breaking her love trance in the process.

> I began wiping my tongue with a napkin frantically
> Cadance shook her head and looked around the room, then folded her legs over her chest and turned back to Celestia
> “Listen Celestia, Luna’s condition has worsened. She can barely speak anymore. She's sent me here to work under your guidance until she recovers.”

> “Don’t you have a kingdom to run? What makes you think I would want you in my castle? You’re just going to snoop through all my things, sleeping with my staff and overall be a profane little monster." 
> Candance shrugged “It’s Luna's orders. Besides, the Crystal Empire is doing fine! I made sure to leave the place in good condition before I left.”

> Cadance helped herself to a piece of cake while Celestia mumbled under her breath
> “This is really good! You should send your baker up to the Crystal Empire sometime to cater for Shining and I!”
> Celestia wiped her cheek with a facecloth 
> “I’d rather keep my staff in one piece.” Celestia replied between gritted teeth
> “Pity…” Cadance said staring at the cake 
> She tossed the rest in her mouth and swallowed without chewing 

> “Well, I must be going! Those guards may be horrible in the sack but I’m sure I can get a couple more rounds out of them!” She giggled 
> When she stood up she left a large white stain on the seat of her chair 
> She skipped out of the room humming happily to herself

> After she left the two of us sat in silence for a long moment
> It's safe to say that Cadance is like a hurricane who leaves a room worse than before she entered 
 > No matter the occasion, everypony is always  staggered when she leaves a room after subjecting them with her weirdness.
> “If you become anything like Cadance I’ll have you turned to stone.” Celestia warned 
> I feverishly nodded in agreement 
“Don’t worry. I could never become such a monster, and I won’t fail you. I promise.” 
> “I certainly hope not.” She sighed

> Celestia pulled a notebook from her table and stared at it for a long, awkward  moment 
> I could tell Cadances words hurt her deeply.
And I wanted to say something, but this seemed like one of those moments where it's best to say nothingbout of respect.
> It's not like their was anything I could say that would heal the wound or sooth the pain.

> So again, I waited in complete silence.
> Except now I felt like the pony obligated to speak
> But I'm too frozen and have nothing it worth to say
> After a few minutes Celestia cleared her throat.
> “Okay, Twilight. I would like to know where your investigation stands since our last visit. What new information have you found?”
> Her voice was softer now and she was actually smiling at me
> Granted it was a forced smile, but it's the closets thing to respect she's shown me in a long time.

“Well, You see princess. I haven’t found anything. This problem runs much deeper than either of us could imagine.”
> “Are you admitting defeat? Never admit defeat.” 

“I wouldn't think of it! But you must understand that whoever this pony is, she isn’t just some petty,  common criminal! They’re extremely dangerous! Their milk is apparently so addictive it gets ponies hooked and they become slaves to the stuff. Bankrupting themselvess and becoming caring consumed with her highly potent, delicious milk. Whoever this is, we should be very careful and tread lightly. Who knows what other evil they're capable of.”



Derpy Hooves:

> I really hate having lazy eyes…
> And having a speech impediment…
> And the name Derpy…
> But mostly, I hate having boobs on my chest…They make me look silly.

> When I was a filly, I would often wake up with my good eye buried in my pillow and for a split second  would be convinced that I had gone completely blind.
> Whenever this happened I would pull my face off the pillow screaming in terror
> It scared me so much that for an entire year I refused to sleep just to stop it from happening
> I can’t see as well as I used to, but the idea of going completely blind scares me more than anything.

> Nowadays, I wake up to the sound of Fluttershy snoring.
> Which is terrifying for entirely different reasons
> One would imagine that Fluttershy is a gentle snorer. But in reality, she’s actually the complete opposite!

> She growls in her sleep like a bear in heat!
>....
> I’m not proud to admit that I know what a bear in heat sounds like…

> But living at Fluttershys cottage introduced me to some very strange animal noises.
> It's not just the noise that keeps me up
> Her mattresse is way too soft and her bed is piled with four thick blankets and a ton of plush animals.

> I really shouldn’t be so nitpicky, but this arrangement wasn’t ideal.
> I’ve never shared a bed with another pony before
> The only time I shared a bed with another pony is when we were fillies
> Fluttershy and I had sleepovers every week and she would share my bed
> Though, I don't remember us ever getting much sleep…

> We would have pillow fights, eat junk food and talk until the sun came up
> But now whenever I stay up all night and eat candy, she lectures me about health…
> She keeps warning me that if I don’t start eating healthy, she’s going to take me to the dentist.
> I hate the dentist.

> I can tolerate the noise, the bed and snoring but the constant motheing makes living with Fluttershy a headache.
> She cares about me a lot and I think she's great, but worried too much.

> Apparently, I shared my first kiss with Fluttershy a long time ago.
> She kissed me on the cheek before saying goodnight.
> We were only fillies, and not was it the night of my first kiss but my first time drinking cider as well.
> I wish I could remember that night better
> It sounds magical…	Like a true romance.

> Because we share a bed every night, I’m reminded of that story a lot.
> Maybe our romance was meant to be. Like fate…or something…?

> I put my hooves over my eyes and sighed.
> Constant nostalgia may be the worst part about living with Fluttershy
> Always being reminding that nothing will be as good as it was when we were young, and even your best friend will change for the worst.

> Everythings different and I wish things were simple like they were when we were fillies.
> Everythings changed except my sleep schedule
> I can't believe that after all this time I still can't sleep past the crack of dawn.
> I spent my best years working at the post office, and loved every second of it
>But it ruined me.

> Waking up early wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so many sleepless nights because of all these blankets!
> I don’t like to admit it, but I’m a little overweight.
> The extra pounds contributes to my body heat greatly
> but the warmth of my belly doesn’t even compare to the heat emanating from my breasts 
> They've always been warm, but never like this…
> As time passed they’ve gone from feeling slightly warm to burning hot 
> Fluttershy says my constant lactation is why my breasts feel like hot irons, and she couldn't be more right.
> My breasts themselves don’t hurt but they make me very warm and when I touch them it's like resting my hoof over a heating pad turned to max 

> I blame Fluttershy a lot for my misery, but if I’m being honest, my body causes more distress than anything.
> In top of the heat they're constantly lactating and every couple minutes my breasts unleash large quantity of milk with such intensity it sends me into a staggering orgasm 

> Whenever this happens in bed I try keep myself quiet as to not wake Fluttershy
> But it prevents me from sleeping, so I usually spend the night laying in bed staring at the ceiling trying to keep the moans and fidgeting to a minimum

> But the intense heat doesn't only happen in bed
> I could be walking, driving the scooter or eating and a random orgasm will hit me like a train.

> I'm so exhausted but can't rest 
> My body betrays me
> Instead of sleeping I Stared at her ceiling 
> I've stared for so long that I known every splinter, crack and crevice in her room.

> My old room barely had a ceiling 
> Instead, my room I had a sunroof! Which is way cooler.
> I miss my sunroof….

> I pulled my hooves from my face watched the milk drain into the four suction cups clinging to my teats 
> Each one of my nipples pursed inside tight little cups and held in place by air pressure
> The machine functioned similar to the one that Applejack used when she milked me.

> Attached to the suction cups are tubes that run from my teats down to the floor
> The tubes very long and run across the house like snakes
> They twist all through the house in a tangled mess out the backdoor into the garden 
> The tubes lead to six steel drums hidden in the bushes behind the cottage 
> The entire system is designed to collect the constant flow of milk running out my breasts to prevent flooding the cottage 
> But as times got tough the system quickly turned it into a way of making money. 

> For the past month Fluttershy brings the barrels filled with milk to work with her 
> She sells them to Milky in the Old Ponyville market.
> From there, Milky distills it and renders it “untraceable” 
 
> We've made lots of money from my milk and I've recently learned that my milk is apparently really good.
> Milky pays 250 bits a barrel
> I produce six barrels a day….
> I’m not very good at numbers or remembering stuff, but Fluttershy said we make a lots bits doing this 

> Math is abstract and annoying, and I was only able to grasp how much we were making when I could see it myself.
> Fluttershy came home from work one day and dumped two giant bags of bits on the coffee table 
> The way the gold shimmered under the cottage candlelight was almost beautiful 

> I had never seen so much money in my life! 
> I was eager to spend it all on muffins but Fluttershy quickly put me a weekly allowance shortly after seeing my spending habits. 
>  I can't complain too much because she doles me more than enough
> But she's always telling me to only buy important things.
> I still spend most of my allowance on junk food
> I just don’t tell her.

> Milky says that my milk has raised the market standards across town
> I guess that's a…good thing?
> She says that my milk is of the highest quality
> My milk sells better than any other milk on the market for ten times the price 
> I could care less because I’m just happy to get rid of it.

> Aside from the milk business I’m still working on Derpy Deliveries 
> Which still makes no money…
> We only hopped into the milk business out of necessity
> Because Fluttershy is mostly paid in tips at the milk bar and when I first moved in I was bringing nothing to the table.
> We were living on the bare minimum.
> Peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
> No tea, no muffins, no fun.

> Now we have an entire kitchen with all kinds of food and we buy whatever we want!
> It feels good not being useless, but I still feel that way often.
> It’s why I started managing Derpy Deliveries on my own
> I need something to do during the day…
> If I wasn’t doing Derpy Deliveries, I’d be laying in bed all day, eating muffins while my tits did all the work.
> I have way too much energy for that sort of work.

> It's fun gorging yourself for a living, but it gets old fast and I’ve gotten a little too fat for comfort
> Taking the lead of Derpy Deliveries has proven to be tough. 
> Before, all I had to do was deliver mail, but as the sole operator I’ve taken on all of Fluttershys previous responsibilities.
> I’m doing lots of paperwork and organizing and it hurts my head sometimes

> Thankfully, we have the milk business keeping us in the green
> Though, I don’t understand why ponies pay so much for my milk in particular/
> I don’t think it’s that amazing…
> Every now and then I’ll slip one of my teats into my mouth and have a quick drink 
> It's very sweet and I get really dizzy when I drink too much but it’s a good snack.
> Though, I’ve been taking a break from drinking from myself because last time Fluttershy and I went out to dinner I was sucking on my tits without even realizing!

> I'm not involved in the milk business outside of production 
> Fluttershy says that it's a dangerous industry and I should stay in the background 
> I’m also not allowed to talk about my work either
> What we're doing is supposed to be a secret between Milky, Fluttershy and I because we can get into a lot of trouble if anypony finds out what we were doing .

> Though, I don’t understand why. It's only milk!
> Something about Celestias decency laws….
> My milk in particular has caused a lot of trouble in town because of this “Raising the market standards” thing. 
> Milky says that I've garnered quite a bit of notoriety in Old Ponyville.
> I’ve been trying to wrap my head around for a while now.


> Despite reading about my milk in the papers, and hearing all the good things being said about me through Milky. I don't feel famous.
> In fact, I don’t feel much of anything anymore…

> The realization that I’ll never be happy like I was when we were young is slowly setting in
> Tragedy has gouged my heart and my only wish is to feel loved 
> The popularity of my milk has boosted my self esteem, but it’s not making me happy.
> It’s not as if anypony knows its my milk anyways because Milky keeps my identity hidden through a process she calls magical milk wiping.

> She says it's for the safety of myself and the product
> Because my identity is a secret the regulars at the milk bar refer to me by many names such as "The Mystery Milk Mare”, “Mommy”, or (my personal favorite) “Best Pony.”

> I like the name “Best Pony”
> I wish I really was a “Best Pony”
> But to everypony who knows me, I’m just Derpy Hooves.
> The town screwup…

> The milk I’m producing for The Milk Bar is the most significant thing I’ve ever accomplished 
> Fluttershy and I make so much money from the milk that she’s been trying to build the animal sanctuary she's been talking about since she was a filly.
> I'm not thrilled about the idea. 
> And I think there's already enough animals crawling around the cottage as is.
> But if it makes her happy then I guess I’ll support her
> Even though I think it’s a dumb idea…

> I’ve had my chest boobs for a couple months now and I’m starting to get used to them.
> I’ve even put them to good use! I write my entire to do list on them and when I’m done I simply stuff the pen between my clevage!
> But despite having some practical uses they still get in my way constantly
> Walking has become easier but everything else is still very tricky
> They’re always bumping into things and I have to watch what I’m doing very carefully 
> And for a mare with no depth perception it's impossible for me to go a day without causing some sort of mess. 

> I still get stared at when I go into town. But I’m trying to get over it.
> My milk may be popular, but I’m certainly not.
> My new nickname around town has become Derpy Boobs, a nickname that’s catching on way too quickly and I fear ponies have completely forgotten my real name.
> It’s traumatizing being a ghost, and the more I think about it , the more I’m convinced that even if do find a way to get rid of them, I’ll always be known as the mare with chest boobs.

> The way ponies stare makes me want to dig myself into a hole and disappear forever.
> It’s like they can see through my soul
> And when they aren’t staring they’re pretending they don’t see me
> I’m not allowed in most stores anymore because of the mess I cause and sometimes the police tell me to go home because I’m making the streets too slippery.

> Thankfully, my friends have been very supportive
> Twilight, Pinkie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash have all been extremely kind recently

> Dash has been especially  nice
> She’s been trying to get me out of my shell by bringing me to buckball games and dragging me to the gym. 
> I don’t think she understands how much I hate going out in public or working out
> But I appreciate her friendship. 
> Her and Applejack have been fighting with Filthy Rich over rights to the farm
> Rainbow will sometimes ask me if I could go back to producing milk for them
> (Often times she asks after doing something really nice for me)
> I’m happy she's still my friend after declining her offer so many times.

> But I’ve become a little disappointed with Rarity recently 
> The clothes she makes for me never fit and I always feel like everypony can see right through my bra…
> Even if its on perfectly, the tops of my areolas are always peeking outside the skin tight material and my nipples protrude from threadbare fabric like tiny swords.
> Aside from sweets, I’ve been buying lots of bras with my milk money 
> But none are able to withstand the constant leaking
> Rarity is still the best tailor in town but I don’t think she’s trying, because the bras she makes barely do anything to hide my boobs! And they’re made way too small.

> I can see where she spends most of her time and it’s not on me or any of her regulars
> She spends all her efforts working on the rich ponies clothes.
> She probably makes way more Bits sewing for them than the townsponies.

> I often tell myself that's the only reason she makes my orders so poorly
> But I get the feeling that she just doesn’t respect me.
> It’s obvious that most ponies don’t anyways, so why should she?
> They all just stare with their naked, steaming eyes like I’m a cautionary tale 
> But in all honesty, I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve any of this!

> I don’t know why my eyes are crossed!
> I didn’t grow boobs on my chest on purpose! 
> I’m sorry I was born with a speech impediment! I hate it more than anypony!
> I’m sorry I’m not the smartest mare in town but I try! I really do try!
> I don’t know what I did to warrant this awful luck, I just wish it would stop…

> The sunlight began peeking through the window and Fluttershy's eyes started to open
> A small smile grew across her face when she saw me
"Good morning honey." She cooed 

"Good morning Flutters." I said staring out the window
> She wrapped her hooves around me and gave me a tight hug
> "I had that dream again. About the sanctuary." She whispered with childish delight in her voice 

> Oh no, not this again…
> She just woke up and she’s already going on about the sanctuary.
> "This time we were taking care of otters "
"Otters?" I stuttered trying to remember what an otter looked like
> "You were feeding a baby otter with a small bottle and I was giving one a bubble bath in a soup pot."

"Ohhh…That sounds…Nice?"
> "You looked so happy."
> Fluttershy put her hoof over mine and stared into my eyes 

> It was times like this I was reminded how important I am to her.
> I’m her special somepony and she is mine….
> And I still don’t know how I feel about that….
> I've never had a friend I appreciate more than Fluttershy, but I wasn't sure if I loved her
> Love is a strong word which shouldn't be thrown around lightly 
> It sounds mean, but I always thought love carried more meaning.
> At least that's how writers make it sound in books…

> Love is always portrayed as the most beautiful feeling
> An all encompassing energy that only grows the longer you’re together
> But real love is nothing like that at all.

> It's less about feeling good all the time and more about dealing with your lover's quirks, oddities, hopes, dreams and frequent breakdowns.
> It’s not the all powerful, and all fulfilling magical force of nature I always believed in
> If what me and Fluttershy have is true love, than I can say with confidence that I know exactly what real love is.

> Love is trying to do word searches while Fluttershy bawls her eyes out over my shoulder crying about feeling her low self esteem.
> Love is listening to the same stories over and over again.
> Love is seeing the pony you thought you know turn into somepony else 
> Love filled with awkward silences, painful sacrifices and growing frustrations. 

> Since I moved in with her, she began consoling in me her deepest fears and desires 
> Things I never knew, nor wanted to know.
> And it just makes me feel worse about my attitude towards this entire relationship… 
> I would love to help her practically, but she’s constantly reminding me that all she needs is somepony to talk to and vent about her day with.
> So I sit and listen to her crying for hours, spilling tears down my shoulder and telling things which would be best left secret.
> It’s annoying.

> My days were once filled with peace, quiet and freedom
> Now it's their just hours of sobbing followed by begging
> “Promise you’ll never leave me.”
> “Promise you’ll always let me in.”
> “Promise you’ll never keep secrets.”
> “Promise you’ll do the dishes….”

> I just want my peace and quiet back!
> I'll do the dishes when I get to them! You don't need to keep reminding me!

> Fluttershy ran her hoof though long, loose ends of my chest tuft
> "What are you thinking about silly?" She asked playfully
> "ummmm…..I was thinking….that….if we DID have an animal sanctuary…We should have flamingos?"

Fluttershy nodded 
"Of course. We can have all the flamingos you like.”
> Me and my big fibbing mouth…now we're going to have to buy flamingos!
> Where do you buy Flamingos?
> What do Flamingos even eat!?
> Are we going to have to buy them food?
> I bet flamingo food is SUPER expensive.
> Where do they even sell flamingo food!?

> "I have a place by the river that would be just perfect for flamingos where they'll have all the fish they can eat."
> Oh….
>...
> Stupid flamingos, making me think I’m dumb…

> "Muffins? Are you okay? You're awfully quiet."
> Fluttershy asked, gently tugging on my shoulder
"No…
> “Oh…You’re not okay?” She sighed sadly
> “No….I mean yes! I'm doing great! I can't wait for this animal sanctuary!….All the hard work, money, and time…The constant upkeep and endless responsibility will definitely be good for our stress."

> She smiled then nuzzled into my neck and yawned 
> "I'm happy you're so supportive." 
> I rolled my eye and rested my hoof over her head 
> Just as I was starting to relax my heart started beating wildly and my blood was being pushed through my breasts at rushing speed
> Oh no…
> As the orgasm climbed milk began to thrash from all four of my nipples simultaneously
> The pleasure caused my body to shiver in delight
> I let out a small moan of ecstasy and heard the tubes rattle as the milk rushed through them 

> After a couple seconds, my heart began to settle and I was able to catch my breath.
"Oh..Oh…Oh my…" I gasped placing my hoof over my poor heart
> "Are you feeling ok?" 

“Yeah…I'm Okay…” I replied between heavy breaths 
> “I really wish you would see a doctor.” She muttered “Or at least see if Twilight can find a way to make those random milkgasms less violent. it isn’t normal to be orgasming like that all the time, and I don’t like seeing you know in distress.”
> Again with the nagging 
"I'd rather jump in a pit of snakes than see a doctor..." I muttered under my breath 

> "What was that sweetheart?" she asked flapping her ears up and down
"I said we should have a pit of snakes for the sanctuary!" I shouted in panic and annoyance
> She looked confused
> "Well…I always assumed we'd have snakes. But do you REALLY think a pit is the best place to put them?"
> Oh, For the love of Harmony….
> "What if somepony falls in? And I don't think they would be happy in a pit, they aren't worms!"
> She started to laugh, running her hoof through my mane 
> I gotta get out of here…

> Fluttershy crawled out of bed and began searching the floor for her bra
> "We really should be more organized." She sighed picking one of my milk soaked bras off the floor 
"I think it's perfect! Putting away clothes is a waste of time!" I argued 
> "But…It's improper."
“But isn’t it so liberating! Just leaving things where you want?”
> “Ummm…Yes but…This is actually my house….And I REALLY don’t  like how messy it’s gotten since you moved in”

“You worry about the wrong things Fluttershy.”
> She dropped the bra and it fell to the floor with a loud SPLAT!
> I rolled out of bed and walked to the washroom
"Trust me, I’ve never put away my laundry, cleaned my room or done the dishes a day in my life and I'm doing just fine!" I assured her happily
> I waddled into the washroom attached to the bedroom, trying to avoid tripping over the tubes snaking along the floor.

> I began brushing my teeth 
> I lost my Dr. Hooves brand toothbrush in the fire and was having a very hard time finding a replacement.
> I thought about the fire often and more importantly, what could have caused it. 
> It consumed my thoughts more than anything and I was confident that it was act of malice despite what anypony tells me.
> I have three suspects. 

> Milky 
> Filthy Rich 
> And Cloudchaser.

> Fluttershy says I’m being paranoid and I should let it rest but I simply couldn’t.
> My home was the only place I truly felt comfortable and safe
> Now that it's gone, I feel lost and without a place I can truly call my own.

> As I scrubbed my gums, Fluttershy walked in wearing a pair of cow horns
"Moo?" She said blushing, trying to hide her smile behind her hooves
> I couldn’t help but laugh. It looks like Milky had bought Fluttershy a uniform which included  cow print socks, a headband with fabric cow horns and a tiny bell wrapped around her neck
"Cute" I giggled
> "She got you something too."

> Fluttershy went into her bag and passed me a large button pin that read "Milk me, I'm leaking."
> Milky is such a character
> I smiled and stuffed it between my cleavage 

> Fluttershy entered the washroom and sat on a small stool in the corner of the room
> She then proceeded to slather numbing cream over her breasts
> Milky had been pushing Fluttershy hard recently
> Her breasts were swollen and her teats were dry and cracked
> Fluttershy says that The Milk Bar has gotten really busy since Milky began selling my milk.
> “ A Milk Bar Exclusive” Milky liked to say.

> Fluttershy herself has lost a bit of her sparkle over the last month 
> Her mane is flat and so greasy it looks like it was dunked in a deep fryer
> Her coat is littered with various stains which created splotches of discolored yellow across her fur.

> She also has dark circles under her eyes and smells like a hot trash bag filled with sweaty gym clothes.
> Her luster began fading once I moved in and introduced her to my philosophy of stress free living
> No cleaning, washing or tidying 
> Let the cards fall where they may and leave them on the floor!
> Because in a world filled with daily stressors, why do you need to put so much pressure on yourself?
> The house is just gonna get messy again anyways!

> It wasn’t my intention to 
> I was simply introducing her to the way I’ve lived since my dad died
> I’m sure after a couple months she’ll let go of all her urges to clean everything and her sparkle will return brighter than ever.


> “This cream works wonders.”  Fluttershy said rolling the pasty formula into her skin
> “Promise you’ll pick me up some on your way home from work?”
> I nodded, not really listening 

> Fluttershy stood up and leaned into me
> Pressing the blade of the chest between my breasts 
> “You’re amazing, you know that?” 
> She dragged her hoof along my rump near the skirt of crotch 
“You…You’re pretty great too..” I replied 
> "Don't worry, When I get home from work I'll be all yours."
> I leaned into Fluttershy and kissed her on the lips
> She pulled away and licked her top lip
> "I'm your little cow and you can milk me all night long."
>Gross…

> Fluttershy always talks about how she hates her job. But I think that she secretly likes it.
> I don’t think she would keep doing it if it didn’t appeal to her fetishes.
> Her entire job is being milked, drinking milk and being ogled at. 
> She doesn’t like to admit it, but she gets a thrill out of being a tease

> We made our way down the hall into the kitchen, keeping our eyes on the floor to avoid tripping over the tubes, laundry and other random items scattered along the floor.
> We arrived in the kitchen without incident and started to make each others breakfast
> In typical pegasi relationship hierarchy, the mare serves the stallion breakfast.
> In the case of lesbian, pegasi relationships, the submissive mare serves the dominant mare
> But we’re far from a typical relationship in every sense. 

> Neither of us are dominant mares, so I prepare her breakfast and she prepares mine.
> Fluttershy shoved some bread in the toaster and sizzled a couple eggs in a pan.

> I decided to make one of Fluttershys favorite foods. 
> A bowl of garden salad with baby tomatoes, garlic, feta cheese and sliced peppers doused in olive oil.
> When we finished making our breakfasts I gave her my bowl and she gave me my plate and we ate the table.

> Fluttershy made me a plate of eggs and toast
> I sprinkled the toast with a little sugar and made what the french call “Sugar Toast”
> Fluttershy stared at the salad wrinkling her nose
“What’s wrong?”
> "Nothing…It’s just that Milky says I need more fat in my diet. Orders have gotten really crazy recently. Not just for your milk but for all the waitresses at the Milk Bar. She says I should eat at least three cartons of eggs a day because apparently it yields more milk production….But I do appreciate the salad." She shot me a smile and began munching on her rabbit food. 

> Milky has been putting Fluttershy on a number of strange diets recently and had become quite large in the gut
> Seeing her long slender legs suspending the chubby mare was an odd sight
> I’ve never seen Fluttershy so large
> She’s always been very slim and compact.
> Now, her rump was thick and her boobs had somehow got even bigger.
> Her areolas had also grown to the size of 
> Milky prescribed me some pills designed to disguise my milk whenever I go out
> Every morning I’d pop one of these mystery pills and it changed my milk from sweet and sugary to brackish and bland.
> The purpose of the pills is to keep ponies from figuring out I’m the supplier of the “Best Pony” Milk
> The pills last a couple hours and bury my distinct tasting milk and inhibits its effects.



> Fluttershy gripped a hoof-full of her belly fat and began wiggling the loose skin up and down 
> “I don’t like all this fat.” She sighed “I used to be so thin and healthy….”
> Oh no.
> I knew where this was going…
> Living with Fluttershy is like constantly walking on eggshells
> I’ve found out the hard way that even the smallest things can set Fluttershy off

> She’s always been a sensitive mare but I never thought she was THIS fragile
> I have to cheer her up before she starts spirling into a sobbing mess 
> “I don’t like what I’m becoming, Muffins. I’m fat, and filthy and I feel like everythings falling apart.”
“No! You look great! I…I swear! I actually think you look better than ever!”

> Her eyes were trapped on her bloated belly
> “You really think so?”
“Sure! I don’t think it’s even possible for you to look bad. Trust me, I think you’re beautiful. Large, small, short or tall. You’re the pony I love the most so please don’t cry.”
> For the love of Celestia please don’t cry
> In the name of all that is good and magical and kind PLEASE don’t cry.

> She looked up from her stomach and smiled 
> “That's exactly what I needed to hear. What am I so worried about? All that matters is us, and as long as we’re together, nothing else matters.”
> She grabbed a hoof-full of salad and stuffed it in her mouth
> Olive oil ran down her chin and crawled along her leg into the crack where her leg meets her barrel.

> “To stress free living!” She cheered with a mouth full of food
> I just rolled my eye and laughed
> She may be taking things a little too far but she was starting to understand the idea
> Forget cleaning, washing and all that other boring stuff!
> Life's to short to worry about those sorts of things!


> I flipped through the morning paper and saw a picture of Ponyville from a distance 
> The title read “Mare Milk: The scourge of Ponyville. Everything you need to know to keep your little ones safe.”
“We’re in the paper again.” I sighed 
> “Oh no! What does it say?”
“It says that the princess is going to be putting a pony in charge of finding the milk mare.”
> It had to be Twilight…
> She’s been ranting about mare milk before I even started selling 

> I’m very concerned about Twilight discovering our little operation 
> She would probably be very disappointed in us…
> But at the same time, she’s my best friend in all of Equestria!
> I’m sure if I explained myself she wouldn’t be angry…I mean…It’s not even that big of a deal. It’s only milk.

> It’s actually very easy for me to keep the milk business a secret, because it’s so embarrassing and uninteresting to me that I sometimes forget we’re even selling the stuff
> I’m basically just sitting at home collecting bits in bed.
> I think Milky called it “Passive income” when she proposed the idea to us
> That the jump would be so easy that we wouldn’t even think about it

> She was definitely right about that. 
> I’ve been pumping milk out of my teats for so long, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to not be producing copious amounts of milk every second of my life.


> We finished our breakfast and began setting off for work
> Fluttershy loaded the milk barrels onto a scooter she recently bought from Scootaloo
> She paid her a small sum to customize the machine to accommodate for her large breasts and unusual build.
> Fluttershys scooter is a fancy little vehicle  made of chrome and painted bright red 
> When she turned the key and started the ignition the sparkling silver motor began to rumble.
> I watched as she rode down the lane, waving goodbye 

> I waved back and hopped on my scooter.
> I was still puttering around on the lame old scooter I bought around a month ago 
> Scootaloo is a bit of a greedy filly and I don’t want to give her any more of my hard earned bits despite having more than enough.
> I'm happy with my hoopty and there's not an add on in Equestria she could offer that would convince me to shell out a hundred bits for her to install.

> I kicked my scooter into gear and the motor bean to wail and cough as it labored down the road.

> I looked down at the grass and saw frost blanketing the forest 
> The leaves had grown brown and were tumbling from their branches 
> I could see my breath dangling in the coarse autumn air and the chilly wind brush against my fur
> I closed myself, using my body heat to keep myself warm
> It seemed like only yesterday we were enjoying the summer sunshine
> Fall is approaching quickly, and I don't feel prepared

> We have yet to buy preserves
> Our firewood supply is running low 
> The cottage is growing mold
> And worst of all, I don't even have a costume for Nightmare Night picked out yet!
> I’m debating between dressing as a muffin or Twilight Sparkle
> I bet she’d love that!
> I already have a bunch of her clothes I’ve borrowed from her cabinets hidden under our bed
> Milky says I should dress like a cow, but I think that's just her inner pervert talking
> I think she has a fetish for either cows or milk but I'm not sure which, but they both seem strange to me.



Pinkie Pie:

> I was awoken by a loud growl
> The room was spinning and I felt myself rising and falling rhythmically  
> I felt like I had been beaten with the blunt end of a hammer
> I lifted my head which was pillowed over my sister's grumbling stomach and looked around the room.

> What a depressing scene to awaken too
> A smelly, gross, overwhelming room filled with piles of trash
> I pulled myself up and began looking for a bottle
> I know I didn’t finished the one I had opened because the last thing I remember was clinking a bottle against Twilight's horn.
> Then she yelled at me…

> As I was scavenging for booze, I heard yelping from one of the trash piles 
> Somehow Spike had gotten himself lost in one of the garbage mounds and nopony Has seen him for weeks.
> Honestly, we all kind of forgot about him until he occasionally cries for help 
"Spike!? You're still lost!?" I shouted into the darkness
> I heard a distant, muffled cry from across the room
"Don’t worry little guy, I’ll find you!"
> I staggered around the room looking for the lost dragon 
> There were piles of bottles, discarded food wrappers, and hills of miscellaneous things that Muffins had ordered for Derpy Delivery's scattered all across the library.

> I followed the sound of his voice and found myself standing at the bottom of three piles, each six ponies tall
> One consisted of cider cans, wine bottles and bar mugs.
> Beneath the tower of aluminum and glass was a syrupy sludge puddle.
> The other, was a pile of empty envelopes pre-sealed with spit all clumped together in a soggy mess 
> The final was an amalgamation of pies, cakes and ice cream all stuffed together

> Not wanting to drudge through more muck than necessary I called out to him 
"Spike! Would you consider what your stuck in to be more syurpy or sticky?"

> He yelled something inaudible
> I shrugged my shoulders and began digging through the pile of envelopes 

> I only got a couple envelopes deep before hearing keys fumbling in the lock.
> I pulled myself away from the pile and grabbed a broom
> Twilight entered and I pretended I was sweeping 
“Twilight! Welcome home!” I slurred 

> She gave me that look
> The look of pure disappointed that a mother gives a troublesome foal
> “How's the job hunting going?” She grumbled 
“Twilight, you silly! I have a job!”
> Twilight rolled her eyes and pulled herself into the library 
> “You and I both know Derpy Deliveries isn’t a real job.”
> Between her legs were two giant breasts the size of penny farthing bike wheels
> I decided not ask
> At least for now

“What do you mean?” I laughed nervously “I do labor! I get paid! It’s a job!”
“You get paid in peanuts and your “labor” consists of delivering mail to the cakes. You don’t have a job. You have an excuse for not improving yourself. Just like the alcohol, and the partying. It’s nothing more than a distraction.”

“Well it's not like I can go back to doing what I was before! All my blackmails are void ever since that disaster of a party. And nopony wants to sleep with me anymore because of my disgusting stomach.”
> Twilight rolled her eyes and shoved her way through the bottles, food tins and stacks of paper towards her podium
> “Thats just another excuse. Besides Whether you wanted to go back to your old work or not you’re not allowed. Extorting ponies and prostitution are crimes. I just got back from talking with Celestia and she’s appointed me the moral authority over Ponyville and I could have to arrested for that kind of behavior.”

“Arrest me!? For sucking dick!? Twilight what the heck!?”
> “Rules are rules Pinkie. I don't like being a puritan either but it’s my job now, and I’m going to take it as seriously as I do all the tasks Celestia assigns me.”

> If only she knew how much cash I’d be raking in if I had my old body. I would be swimming in bits and I could find my own place.
> Twilight has always been a prude but this was a new level of virtue
> I understand that unicorns may not be the most sexual creatures. But she has no right telling me how to use my body.
> I’m an Earth pony for crying out loud! Rutting is as natural as breathing to us!
> At least it was until I became unfuckable…
> I haven't slept with anypony for an entire month! And I’m losing my mind! 
> Earth pony celibacy psychosis is starting to kick in and if I don’t get dicked soon I’m gonna get shipped away to the funny farm.
> At least I still have booze
> You never lose with booze.

> Twilight doesn’t have any legs to stand on anyway!
> I hear her moaning everynight up in that bedroom of hers!
> She’s getting tail from somepony! And by the sound of their moaning I can tell that they're into some real freaky stuff.
> Not that I can say anything about that….BUT STILL!
> Twilight’s getting laid! And I’m shriveling up like a prune!
> Has the world gone mad!

> It’s not like me to judge a pony for what they’re into. But if she’s going to talk bad about my life choices I won’t be timid when it comes to exposing her deviance.

> I staggered towards her and wrapped my leg around her neck all friendy like
“Well Twilight…It seems like you’ve gotten yourself into quite the predicament haven’t you?…Don’t think for a second that I don’t hear you up in your room moaning like and crying “Yes! Fuck me harder! Give it to me harder Grab that phallic shaped object and penetrate my orifices!” I have a hunch that not everything you and your mystery lover are doing is up to snuff with the law.”

> She shoved me away and I staggered backwards
> “Don’t you EVER mention that again.” She snapped, “What I have between me and my “lover” is…complicated…”
“Who is it anyways? Is it somepony I know?”

> “Drop it Pinkie…” She snarled 
“I bet it’s one of your old Canterlot friends who came down to Ponyville to get a taste of that famous Ponyville mare milk that's been going around….You know the one.” I jabbed “The stuff everypony seems to be getting their hooves on except you.” I sang

> Ponyville has always had a reputation for milk related degeneracy
> It’s our only claim to fame honestly 
> But over the last month the market has really blown up
> It's no secret among the locals that Ponyville has always had a milk problem, but few know of Old Ponyville and its blackmarket from where it's all produced.
> It's a “If you know, you know” kinda thing.

> Recently a new player in the milk game propped up and Twilights been losing her mind trying to find out who she is
> The markets been flooded with her creamy, sugary, goodness
> I’ve tried her milk myself, but only in sips due to the price
> I don't have much expendable income anymore but from my experience her product is the best I’ve ever tasted!
> In fact, its so good, I’ve heard it causes mares to fall into a dizzying ecstasy in high doses

> Its so thick and sugary it numbs your mouth and give you a strong burst of energy
> Packed with enough sugar to make any mares heart race faster than a Wonderbolt on twenty cups of coffee.

> I’ve heard lots of rumors about this mare, but I don’t buy into any of them.
> Many say she’s a rich pony from Canterlot with exceptional milk who moved down to Ponyville to line her pockets before returning back home to her castle.
> Some believe she’s a goddess similar to Celestia but instead of raising the sun she possesses the power to produce the greatest milk in all of Equestria.
> But I find that a little too far fetched for my liking

> I don’t have a theory myself, but whoever it is, she's one special mare.
> Who is  this elusive “Best Pony?”
> All we know for certain is that she’s a shadowy figure who’s changed the game in only a couple weeks.
> I pray for anypony who stands in her way….


Derpy:
> The scooter puttered down the streets of Ponyville 
> My breasts jiggling as I rode down the bumpy streets
> The vibrations made them feel…tingly 

> I arrived at Twilights library 
> The sun perched itself over the eastern hills 
> I could already hear Twilight and Pinkie arguing 
> When I opened the door I saw Twilight and Pinkie deep into one of their screaming matches.
> “Pinkie can you please get all this trash off my podium! I can’t work with all this clutter!”
> “I’m sorry PRINCESS! I'm going through some really tough times right now and I’d appreciate a little compassion!”
> “Compassi….? YOU! Why you little pink pain in my rear! You’ve been blasted out of your mind for three weeks straight! Get this garbage out of my house now!”

> Pinkie crossed her hooves and stuck out her tongue
> “For a librarian, you sure are bad at reading your friends! Do I need to write “I’m sad, leave me alone” across my face!? Not everypony wears our daily struggles across our cheek!”
> All I could do is sigh

> This isn’t the first time I’ve walked in on them arguing like this
> I hated whenever they fought 
> I cover my ears and closed my eyes and tried to imagine happy thoughts

> I always hated yelling
> It causes my heart beat really fast and makes me really nervous 
“G..irls…I….I….I mean could you..p..p..please s…s..stop….?” 

> But their screaming only got louder 
> “You should just move in with Cloudchaser you sad, petty, drunk!
> “Just shut up! You have no idea what I’m going through!”
> “I’m going to toss you through the doors of a homeless shelter if you don’t start treating my home with a little respect!”
> “Meanie!”
> “Drunk!”

> The two stormed off in separate directions
> Twilight went to her podium looking defeated by the empty bottles and piles of “Derpy Deliveries” promotional papers stacked atop her workspace alongside the empty cider cans 
> Pinkie sat on a stool with her legs crossed staring up at the ceiling 
> I had a bad feeling in my tummy that I was somehow responsible for all of this.

> I walked over to Twilight 
“Bestie? Are you okay?”
> “Yeah, just great.” She grumbled 
“Do you want me to rub your back?”
> I placed my hooves oh her back and she jumped
> She spun around and shoved my hooves into my chest
> “No hank you Derpy. Just…Don’t touch me right now.”

“I…Ummm…Okay then….”
> “Thank you.” She grumbled
“Twilight?”
> “What?” She grumbled 
“Are you mad at me?”

> “No, I’m just tired….”
“I didn’t mean to make you sad…”
> “Don’t worry, you didn’t make me sad.”
>....

“A..are you sure?”
> “Derpy! What do you want!?”
“Ummmm…..A hug?”
> “A hug!? Derpy look at this place! Its a complete disaster! You’ve left your trash everywhere, there's envelops scattered along every surface, the place is covered in spit from all your “pre sealing” And what in Equestria are you planning to do with twenty boxes of Dr. Hooves industrial strength tape?”
“I…don’t know….I heard the company was closing so I bought all the Dr. Hooves brand stuff I could get a hold of.”

> She rested her hooves over her face and sighed 
> Derpy…Where has all my underwear gone?”
“Y..Your underwear?”
> My heart sank
> She was onto me!

 I….Ummm….I…I…I don’t know…?”
> "You haven't been taking my underwear, have you?" She asked arching her neck close to my face
"Oh! Of course not Twilight! Why would I do such a thing!?"
> "I don't know Derpy, why would you be stealing my underwear?"
"I…I…Ummmm…..Welll. t..the th..thing is…Welll….I…"
> Twilight rolled her eyes then shoved a box of paper off her podium onto the floor
> “Look, I don’t mind you working here as long as you keep things tidy, stop buying things you can’t afford and stay out of my room! Three very simple rules. Do you think you can handle THREE little rule for me?"
> "Twilight…I didn't mean to make you angry…." I sniffled

> A low droning grumble began to rise 
> Twilights ears shot up
> She spun around in a flash and pointed her hoof at Marble

> “And you!” Twilight shouted at the mare with a belly the size of a small cabin.
> When Pinkie Pie moved in she propped her up in the corner near the stairs
> She's been sitting in that same corner for the past month, soaking in the sea of trash 

> “You need to figure out a way to keep that belly quiet! I can barely hear myself think! I’m surrounded by noise and I feel like I’m losing my mind! If one more thing happens today involving any of you crazy ponies I'm going to snap!"

> A knock on the door hushed the room
> “Sweet fucking Celestia, who could that be now!?” Twilight screamed 
> Twilight trotted through the garage and swung open the door 
> It was Rainbow Dash wearing a pair of yellow shorts and a headband
> Her hair was spiked upwards and she was sweaty 

> “Morning Twilight!” She sang
> Dash let herself in, trudging through the hock deep garbage towards the cupboards
> “You got any protein powder? I’m looking to really up my gains this summer.”
> Twilight looked like she was about to have a mental breakdown 
> Dash turned and stared at Twilight giant breast
> I noticed them when I walked in but didn’t want to say anything
> Dash wasn’t so polite
> “What the heck happened to you?” She chuckled “Poison Joke?

> Twilight’s head collapsed onto the podium like a bag of bricks and she went silent
> Dash approached me giggling to herself about the situation
> “Hey Muffins, are you looking forward to our workout later?”
> “I…I guess…”
> “Geez Muffins you’re starting to let yourself go….What the heck have you been eating?” She asked prodding my stomach
“Ummm….Nothing much….”
> “You need to start taking better care of yourself….Next time we hit the gym we’re going twice as hard as we did last time.”
“But Dash….I…I really don’t really want to go to the gym…like….ever….”
> She started to laugh 
> “Thats just your soft spot speaking!”
> She dug her hoof in my belly and began rubbing aggressively

“Dash…I’m all soft spots..”
> “And that's why I’m getting you into shape! Then maybe you could help me with a little…You know…Tit for tat?” She giggled 
“I…I don’t know…”
> Dash slipped her hoof between my breast from beneath my bra and snaked her leg up to my nose
> “Muffins, you know what I want, right?”
“Ummmm…..Y..Yes…I..I think so?”
> “I think you’re a very special mare.” She whispered 

> Another funny feeling in my tummy began to arise
> Dash was being very nice to me recently 
> She’s always touching me and buying me stuff and taking me places…
> I’m beginning to think she’s coming onto me

> She pulled her hoof out from between my boobs
> Her leg was cover in milk which she began wiping away along my neck
> “I’ll buy you a muffin if you come workout with me.” She sang
> That may have worked when I was broke, but now that I have enough money to buy a hundred muffins.
> A single muffin isn’t much incentive to get all sweaty with all her Wonderbolt friends
> But I’m spineless and it feels good to be wanted 
> I’ve always thought Dash was kind of sexy anyway

> I know I shouldn’t go to the gym with her while feeling this way.
> Fluttershy and I agreed to not sleep with anypony besides each other
> But Dash was unrelenting, and as a Beta Pegasi I’m never supposed to say no to an Alpha like Rainbow.
> I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place 
“Sure Dash…that sounds great!”

> “Maybe after our workout we can go out to eat. What's your favorite restaurant?”
“Oh…Ummm…I really like McHoofies I guess…”
> Dash cocked her head back
> Her nose crinkled and her eyes closed as if disgusted by my choice
> “McHoofies? After a workout! That would defeat the entire point!”
“Oh…Mmmmmm…Okay I guess…You’re the expert…You can pick.” 
> Dash sighed
> “You know what? McHoofies is great. I actually love McHoofies.”
“You do!?” I cheered
> “Yeah, love it.” She replied in an unenthusiastic tone
> Dash is so nice taking me to McHoofies
> Fluttershy never lets me eat there!

> “Wow! Look at the nobel Rainbow Dash! Helping her friends!” Pinkie mocked
> Rainbow stared at Pinkie she looked sad, embarrassed, but mostly just disappointed 
> Rainbow and Pinkie have a long and complicated relationship….

> I wonder if Pinkie wants to come with us to McHoofies!
“Hey Pinkie!” I called
> Twilight lifted her head “Will you two just get out of here!”
> We both jumped and scurried out of the room like puppies with our tails between our legs
> It’s just as well, we were running late and it was time to get to work!

Twilight:

> Now that the two fools were gone I could pour myself a drink in peace
> I snatched a bottle of aged brandy from the nook beneath my podium 
> “Woah, isn’t it a little early to be drinking?”
“When you never sleep…It all just blends together…You want one?”
> “No thanks! I gave all that up a long time ago.”
> I took a sip and Dash continued to stare
> What did she want?
> She doesn’t stop by often but when she does it’s always to ask for favours
"You know the new Daring Do book doesn't come out for another month right? What are you here for?"

> "I know, I was hoping to ask you a favor.
> I chuckled 
> I really have become an expert on friendship
“Okay Dash, what's on your mind?”
>“Well…Applejack and I were hoping you could use that super methodical brain of yours to help us pack some stuff.”

“Wait…You’re throwing in the towel?”
> “No! It’s just in case we need to move in a hurry. It’s good to be organized.”

> “Ha!” I laughed “Who are you, and what have you done with the real Rainbow Dash?”
> “Come on Twilight…It’s just, like…insurance! Just in case things go sideways!”
“Well I sure hope they don’t. I would hate to see Applejack have to give over her farm over to that nasty Filthy Rich.”

> “Have you heard anything about what he’s planning to do with the farm?”
“No. We’ve had a number of town meetings on the issue and we still don’t know what he’s up to.”
> “I mean like….”
“I know what you mean.” I snapped
> Dash stood silent looking slightly nervous
“I know he’s up to something. But whatever it is, I can’t figure it out. He’s a slippery stallion who dodges every question I throw at him and her NEVER gives me a straight answer. I’ve done everything In my power to have him investigated, audited and even detained but he’s always one step ahead of me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everything started to get weird when he came trotting into town with all his rich friends.”
> “Yeah, it seems like our little town is in the center of something way bigger than any of us.” 
> I leaned over my podium and felt tears welling 

“I just want a simple adventure like we used to have. It seems like all our problems could be solved in an afternoon. Now our problems persists dyas beyond our rest and I can’t handle all these compounding problems. Now Applejack is might be moving, Pinkies proving to be a worse friend by the day…Eventually I’m going to be stuck by self with Derpy!”
> I laid my face on the desk and started to cry

> I felt Rainbows hoof resting over my shoulder 
> “I know what you mean. I’ve been feeling the same way. And while I can’t promise you adventure or fun. Applejack and I would really appreciate the help right now if you’d like to take some time out of your day. We could really use a friend like you.”
> I pulled myself up and hugged Rainbow as tight as I could
“Of course I’ll help you.” I whimpered

> Both Applejack and Rainbow have been such a great friends
> I need to re-centre myself and focus.
> Afterall, Equestria is a simple place and Ponyville is a town of simple ponies
> There hasn’t been a single adventure that I couldn’t handle yet!

> I’ll make it my duty to see that Filthy Rich gets what's coming to him and that milk mare too!
> Watch out Ponyville, There's a new sheriff in town who’s ready to bring law to this outlaw country.
> Count your days “Best Pony” Because when you’re rotting in the dungeon, no pony will be cheering your name...

End Credits:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHk2PtPO5wY&ab_channel=MarelbroCigrettes