Hi. This is my last horsetext ever, and the final act of a story I started writing on 8chan /pone/ in November 2015. I was originally going to write a longer introduction, but I've decided not to do that. In fact, there's a lot of content to this story that I had planned but ultimately decided to cut out or rush through. I hope this enabled me to put more focus on the more important bits, and I'm about as satisfied with it as I was ever going to be.

I'm not going to TL;DR the previous parts of the story. Unlike those two greentexts, this final one really can't be treated as a complete story on its own, so I wouldn't recommend reading it without reading the other ones first.

I will, however, link to the previous two parts.
Anon Tried to Kill Himself: https://ponepaste.org/3653
Legend of the Wandering Autist: https://ponepaste.org/3657

I have no further comments. I hope you like the story.

ACT X: The Actual Final Act
Part 79: The Actual One Last Post

>you're suspended in mid-air
>a sort of soft light has wrapped itself around you
>magic?
>it's not purple
>there's a purple unicorn though
>she's the wrong shade of purple
>but isn't this that old crystal tree castle?
"I... made it."
>the words escape you as almost a sigh
"Twilight?"
>"She's not here. Don't try to move."
>but you are moving
>she's carrying you through a hallway
>this is the way to Spike's room
>your room
"Twilight?"
>"It's been a long time since you ran away from here. She lives in Canterlot now."
"What?"
>"What?"
"How long?"
>"Too long. You need to rest."
>a door opens, and you're in your old room
>somehow, you wind up tucked into a bed
>you're not sure if your eyes are open or closed
>"Umm, okay. I don't think you were supposed to be this pale. Or, oh, shoot. Twilight's the only one who knows anything about you."
"No! She doesn't know me! I don't know her!"
>a hoof is pressed against your chest
>"Calm down. Don't get up."
>a horn is pressed against your forehead
>"Go to sleep."

----------------------------------------------------------------


>you are Anonymous Faggot
>in the third hour of the train-ride, you've ceased to notice the scenery rushing by the windows
>instead, you feel the clatters and vibrations of the racing locomotive under your seat
>the warm mass of the little red filly pressed against your leg
>sleeping under your hand
>the last thing she said before she fell asleep is still being rolled about in your mind
<"Oh, and Miss Apple Fritter asked me to tell you something before she put me on the train."
"What's that?"
<"Don't come back."
>Raspberry Heaven has, up until about a week ago, lived her entire life quite literally under a rock
>if there's any reason why you should find this message so disturbing, she won't understand it for a few more years yet
>and you
>you're refusing to think about it
>so you won't understand it for a while yet either
>of course, you'd initially planned on going back to Picacholt eventually
>to retrieve Sombra, if nothing else
>but the word of Apple Fritter now stands around the little desert settlement like a huge, stone wall
>besides, that last look Sombra gave you
>that forlorn and... well, somber glare
>it was probably meant as some sort of goodbye
>or more likely as a "fuck off"
>well, what's the worst that could happen with him anyway?
>he escapes
>goes insane again
>and, what, kidnaps a baby?
>you'd like to think your influence was good enough to at least keep that much from happening
>despite the fact that he's the one who stopped you from...
>that...
>instead of the other way around
>okay, not thinking about that now
>definitely not thinking about the pistol duel
>the one that happened just three hours ago
>the one where...
>no
>you're not thinking about it
>man, you really shouldn't be left alone with your thoughts
>too bad Razzie is sleeping peacefully at your side
/"So talk to me."
>oh damn fuck it all
>you shoo Imaginary Twilight off of your shoulder again
>she visits you on occasion now, ever since that time in the mountain
>that time in the mountain which, like so many other things, you're not thinking about
>that time in the mountain which, if not for the filly sleeping at your side right now, you could write off as a crazy desert fever dream
>you picked up Imaginary Twilight there under a great deal of stress
>hopefully, the lingering after-effects of that experience wear off soon
>because, of all the things you don't want to think about
>you absolutely
>do not
>want to think
>about Twilight Sparkle
>you're not thinking about the way she saved you
>or about the hug that saved the world
>and you're definitely not thinking about how soft she felt when she...
>nope
>after all
>she's the one who asked you not to think too hard about that in the first place
>your fingers run through the glossy, black locks of Razzie's mane
>she twitches her leg a bit in an attempt to snuggle in closer to you
>the door the train car swings open
>a pony in a conductor's uniform canters in
>this pony seems to be the first clean-shaved train conductor you've ever seen
>"Tickets please."
"Oh, uh, we didn't quite have time to buy tickets before getting on the train."
>getting teleported by an angry cowboy mare with an ancient magical artifact tends not to leave a lot of time, after all
>"That's all right, sir. Just pay your fare here and I'll give you one."
"Yeah, I should have some bits..."
>your hand goes snaking through every pocket you have
>nothing in your jacket
>your pants pockets prove similarly empty, though you accidentally wake up Razzie checking them
"Oh man. I must have left my bits in the hotel room in Picacholt."
>"So you don't have tickets, and you don't have money?"
"Eh, I guess not. Look, maybe there's some dishes I can do, or some coal I can shovel, or-?"
>the conductor's horn lights up, and the train screeches to a jarring halt
"Well that seems a little dramatic."

>the train peals off into the distance
<"Anon, where are we?"
"Looks like we're in the middle of a jungle."
<"A real jungle?"
"Oh yeah. Complete with lions and tigers and malaria, no doubt."
>Razzie squishes the moist earth under her hooves a few times
<"I like it. Everything is so wet here."
"Yeah, well- holy fu-frickballs!"
>you scoop up Razzie in your arms with a speed that makes her gasp
>scuttling toward the spot where the filly was standing moments ago is a huge fucking scorpion
>the scorpion looks up at you
>holds up one claw of one pincer
>and then scurries back into the brush
>what the hell was that supposed to be, the finger?
"Yeah, well, I'm not a huge fan of places where everything wants to kill me."
<"That's logical."
>after scanning the ground for more jungle-nasties, you set Razzie back down
"All right, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna follow these train tracks. They've gotta lead somewhere, and it'll keep us out of the denser forest."
>so you head off to the east
>walking away from the Wild West as fast as your legs can carry you
>actually, you're only going as fast as Razzie's stubby filly legs can carry her
>that is, of course, keeping a reasonable pace in mind
>you're not gonna make the kid fucking gallop
>and you're not gonna fucking run
>reasonable though the pace is, it does begin to slacken after a while
<"Anon, I'm thirsty."
"I know."
>what you don't know is what to do about it
>the prospect of resting under the trees, out of the punishing tropic sun, is very tempting
>but what unknown dangers might be lurking in the shade?
>of course, you might find water in there
>but that's probably all full of crocodiles and piranhas and disease
>and you'd probably get lost looking for it
>your best bet is still to keep following the tracks in the hopes of reaching a settlement
>you're not sure how long you've been walking when you finally have to pick Razzie up and carry her
>nor later on when you shuffle out of and abandon  the lightweight jacket you'd worn in Picacholt
>the thing had been decent cover from the sun in the desert
>but here in the jungle it only serves to trap humidity against your body
>you're also not sure how long you've been walking when the walk finally ends
>but it does end
>a huge net flies from the trees, covers your head, and knocks you to the ground

>the net is dragged beyond the ominous treeline with speed and violence
>by some miracle, you've landed on your back, and Razzie takes the ride clinging to your chest
>you, of course, take the ride bumping and scraping every sharp rock and hard root in your path
>finally, the net is yanked up and comes to rest in a tree
>you're upside-down now
>but at least you're not acquiring any more new bruises
"Oh, man."
<"What's going on, Anon? Is it cannibal ponies?"
"Do cannibal ponies even exist?"
>a stallion on the ground makes his presence known
>"They do indeed. I, however, am not one of them."
>the pony on the ground has a dull brown coat, and a greased black mane
>set within his poorly-shaven face is a slight sneer
>and above that, the hard, appraising gaze of a coldly detached mind
>"Of course, eating you wouldn't be cannibalism, would it?"
<"Please don't eat Anon! I'll... I'll cry!"
"Relax, Razzie. He's messing with us."
>"Testing you, really. You seem rather intelligent and sensitive for a creature thought to be carnivorous."
"What?"
>"Well you are a man, are you not?"
"I... well, sure."
>"And mans are carnivores, are they not?"
"Omnivores. I haven't so much as seen cooked meat in over two years now, swear on my life."
>"That's good to hear. Then you eat fruits, vegetables, grasses-"
"Grasses, no. Fruits and vegetables yes. Look, why are we hanging here talking about my species' dieting habits?"
>"Well, here I am on my way to the Temple of Man, and a man happens to cross my path. I ought to be interested, oughtn't I?"
"The... Temple of... what?"
>"Then you deny all connection with the Temple?"
"I've never even heard of that. As far as I know I'm the only one of my kind in this whole world; why would something like that even exist?"
>"Certain story cycles from the Mythic Age briefly mention a creature called Man existing near the end of it, thought to be about a thousand years ago."
"News to me."
>"Information on this creature is infuriatingly scant. The Princess won't even tell us if he really existed. But with the very recent discovery of the Temple, every explorer worth mentioning has memorized what little writing there is on him and begun the journey through the jungle."
"I don't suppose you also memorized-"
>"All the information I could find about you? I'm afraid I did. You're just as poorly-documented as your mythical predecessor. One news clipping about how you assaulted a princess, one news clipping about how you stole a dangerous artifact from that same princess, and one article by that princess about what she'd learned from you of your race's culture. That is, of course, assuming you're the man who was taken in by Princess Twilight some two years ago."
"You know, folks are always real quick to talk about the time I smacked Twilight, but nobody ever brings up the time I helped her save the world."
>"I'd be more than happy to hear all about it, on our way to the Temple of Man."
"Look, this whole Temple thing sounds mighty interesting and all, but I was hoping to maybe get to Canterlot at some point-"
>"Or I can just leave you here in this net. It's rather makeshift, so you could probably get out in a day or so, but I doubt you would ever find your way out of the jungle on your own."
"Geez... what the hell do you want me for? I don't know how to get to the damn place."
>"The Temple has already been discovered, and I already know the way there. The hard part is getting inside. Some sort of magic or other is guarding the door. I have a feeling that you might be helpful with this."
>man
>you don't trust this guy at all
>and it's not just because he kidnapped and threatened you
>but it's nothing you can really put your finger on right now
>besides, he's got a point
>left to your own devices, you and Razzie would be hopelessly lost in this jungle
"All right, tell you what, I'll come along on one condition."
>"You are in no position to be making demands, Mr. Anon, but go on, I'll hear your request."
"Can we just get some water before we get going?"
>the stallion smiles
>and cuts the rope
"Ow."

>Razzie is an instant hit with Caballeron's henchponies
>for such a bunch of dubious desperadoes, they're surprisingly eager to play the role of "doting uncle" with her
>well, at least she's safe with them
"But how can you guys kidnap people and then get all friendly with them?"
>Biff, a henchpony whose personality is that he wears a cowboy hat, has been conversational with you ever since he learned you just came from Picacholt
>"Wal, it ain't really kidnapping. The Doc did give you your choice, after all."
"He had you throw a net at me."
>"Wal, shucks. You and the lil lady needed rescuing. In this part of the jungle, it'd be faster to turn around and march back to the desert than to walk on through to civilization. Why, you'da baked afore you found any clean water."
"You know, just because that makes sense doesn't mean I have to like it."
>"Wal, fair enough. Listen, pard, I been meaning to ask-"
"You want news from out west?"
>"Yeah! How'd you guess?"
"Dunno."
>"Wal, I mean, yeah. How are things in Picacholt? I haven't been out that way in a while."
"I guess it'll be quieter from now on. Piebald's been run out of town, Collishaw Cueball's given up on the apple farm. It'll probably be real peaceful now."
>Biff spits
>"Collishaw Cueball. I guess that crooked snake is still sheriff, then. Wait, you said he gave up on the farm?"
"Mhm."
>"Does that mean... Did you ever meet that, uh, Miss Apple Fritter?"
"Mhm."
>"Do you think she's still, uh, eligible?"
"She was as of this morning."
>"Ahuh. Wal, maybe after this payday I'll have to... Wal, never mind that. I reckon this'll be a right pleasant lil jungle trek, Mr. Nonermous."
>the others aren't quite so talkative
>there's Rogue
>he's a big guy with, of all things, a Scottish accent
>you can't think of any horse puns for any of the Scottish locations you know
>and somehow that makes you afraid to ask him where he's from
>Rogue seems to be a sort of lieutenant to Caballeron
>there's Pickpocket
>despite his name, he's taken on the role of Razzie's most doting "uncle"
>he doesn't seem to like you very much though
>well, as long as he doesn't hurt Razzie, it's whatever
>and then there's Withers
>you have never heard Withers speak
>as for Dr. Caballeron
>he hits you with basic trivia about your life on Earth
>nothing really interesting
>just a lot of biology and sociology
>for whatever reason, you notice that he doesn't ask about your personal experiences on Earth
>like, family life or something like that
>well, it's hardly as though you want to spill your life's story to some evil archaeologist pony
>it's just... a comparison you draw between this and some of your talks with Twilight
>not that you're thinking about Twilight, of course
>Caballeron somehow seems empty
>or pointless, like he's a totally pointless person
>you're not really sure where that impression comes from, or even what you mean by "pointless"
>after all, Doc never really asked personal questions either, and she never seemed "pointless"
>but here of course, Caballeron is Doc
>if you've ever known a different "Doc," you're certainly not thinking about her
>or that she did some pretty bad things
>or that she roped you into helping her with those bad things
>for some fucking reason, you can't seem to resent her as much as you resent Twilight
>but there is no way in hell you're thinking about that

----------------------------------------------------------------


>blackness gives way to a dim room
>the light is orange and flickering
>a candle?
>there's a pony staring at you
>you know who she is before you can see her clearly
>Twilight?
>no
>Imaginary Twilight
"I don't wanna see you."
/"I'm coming, you know. Starlight called me."
"I don't wanna see Twilight."
/"Why'd you come here then?"
<"Anon? Are you awake?"
>Imaginary Twilight disappears before you finish rolling over
>on the other side of the room is a red mare with a black mane
>Razzie?
"Were you always that big?"
<"Of course not. Only for the past few years."
>she's not imaginary
>Real Razzie
"Years?"
<"You were mumbling just now. In your sleep. Were you dreaming just now? About that time we went to the jungle?"
>you blink
<"That was about ten years ago."
"You got big."
<"I'm still little. Compared to you."
"That's true."
>you're soaked with sweat
>you can feel your shirt clinging to your back
>it's cold
<"I think you're still tired. You should go back to sleep."

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, Razzie."
>Razzie looks up from the ground, where she seems to be busy doodling something into the dirt with her hoof
>the dirt is moist and clumpy, but somehow brittle
>chunks of it fall into the trenches traced by her hoof, obscuring what she's trying to draw
>she does not speak
"What'cha doing?"
>she never talks to you anymore
>well, at least not for the past few days
>it's only been a few days since you were evicted from Picacholt, after all
>admittedly she was a bit reserved before that too
>but not like this
>it feels like you've been walking through this green fucking wasteland forever
>of course, she's not totally reserved
>in fact, she's surprisingly friendly with Caballeron's thugs
>Pickpocket especially
"I brought you some dinner."
>you lay down a tin tray of some kind of warm slop in front of her
>you're not a big fan of it, but apparently herbivorous quadrupeds like it
>so the taste is not the reason why Razzie stops drawing
>lays her head on her hooves
>sighs
>and does not eat
>to the best of your knowledge, the henchponies aren't talking shit about you to her
>not even Pickpocket, who clearly dislikes you
>and there's never any kind of anger on Razzie's face when she looks at you
>there's nothing like scorn or contempt
>she's just sort of...
>droopy
>something like a hard sigh rattles in your throat as your face falls into a frown
"You want me to leave so you can eat?"
>she looks up at the food
>and then
<"Mhm."
>with a jerk, you stand up
"Okay."
>and you walk to the other side of the camp

>you hone in on a spot on the edge of the camp
>you sort of rest your hand on a tree without leaning on it
>and just kind of stand there
>trying not to look at anyone
>the sky goes from orange
>to red
>to a shade of dull bluish purple
>there is a feeling as though your mind is racing
>but you're not really thinking about anything
>you're focused on keeping a neutral face
>a straight stance
>your fist on the tree
>there's no particular purpose in anything you're doing
>if you could, you would do nothing
>but even standing still, it's of course not possible to actually do nothing
>from behind you, there is a voice
>"All right, Anonymous. Let's talk."
>that's not Caballeron
>you turn around
>it's Pickpocket
>you blink
"Uh, what's up?"
>"I want to talk to you about Raspberry Heaven."
"Um, sure."
>"So I've been talking to her-"
"I know."
>he shoots you a sharp glance at the interruption
>then continues
>"And I understand she grew up in a... bit of a bad situation."
>you scoff
"You could say that."
>"And I understand that you got her out of it. You got her out of a bad situation."
"Uh, I guess?"
>"And that was a good thing. You did a good thing."
"I guess you could put it that way. Look, what are you getting at? What's your point?"
>Pickpocket frowns
>"All right, I'll make my point. I want to take Raspberry Heaven off your hooves. Hands. I want to take her off your hands."
"Huh?"
>"I think it would be best-"
"Why?"
>"Listen. You're not mature enough-"
"I am-"
>"I don't care how old you are; you've been standing over here brooding for hours. You're like an overgrown teenager!"
"Wha-"
>"And agreeing to this whole 'life on the road?'" With a kid? That's insane!"
"I-"
>"And you know the Doc wasn't the only one who read up on you before this trip. I've got you all figured out. You're only living 'on the road' because you're afraid of meeting that Princess Twilight! You're one of those guys who runs away from everyone he gets close to. Well, one of these days you'll get close to that filly, and then what? You'll run out on her too, that's what!"
"Listen! So you read some fucking news articles. Good for you. You know the teeniest, tiniest bit about me. Well, I know a teeny, tiny bit about you too. Like that fact that you're a hired thug named Pickpocket!"
>"I am an archaeologist named Pickpocket! And I am a husband! And a father! And I've got a nice, stable home in Manehattan. So that shows what you know about me, buddy."
>the back of your head feels light
>and you look up
>and you realize this wasn't exactly a private conversation
>you can see Caballeron sipping tea by the campfire, apparently engrossed in some notes he's taking
>you can see Caballeron's henchponies side-eyeing you, pretending not to notice
>Biff looks stung by something
>and Razzie is staring right at you
>your eyes meet
>despite the campfire's reflection clearly visible in her eyes, her gaze seems somehow... dull
>"Don't you think she deserves a proper home? School? Friends? Family?"
"I... well... your friends threw a net at us."
>"Well, on behalf of everyone, I'm sorry. If I were in charge of this expedition, I wouldn't have made that call. I understand why Caballeron did make that call, but I would have tried talking to you first."
"You... 'understand?'"
>"Yeah. I do. You know why we threw the net? Because if we'd tried talking to you, there's a pretty good chance you would have run off and gotten yourself - and Raspberry Heaven - killed. This whole 'wandering' thing you think you've picked out for yourself? You're not cut out for it."
"I."
>you swallow
"I'll talk to her about it."

----------------------------------------------------------------

>you feel yourself starting to wake up
>but the dream seems to go on for a while
>you can feel the sweat-soaked sheets around you, but you can still see the jungle
>as you watch Razzie head off to bed, you realize that you yourself are in bed
>though the dream is unpleasant, you try to keep your eyes closed
>as if to dream of unpleasant things for a little bit longer
>but eventually, it feels as though you no longer have a choice
>you have to open your eyes
>so you do
>you don't see Razzie
>not in the dream
>not in the room
>she must have blown out the candle before she left
>it's dark
>your eyes are, by this point, adjusted to the dark
>cool, pale. white light emanates from beyond the window
>upon a more careful inspection of the window, you can see that the Moon does, in fact, still exist
>it's enough for you to see by
>there's no one else in the room
>not even Imaginary Twilight
>it's quiet, dim, and cool in here
>perfect for sleeping
>you're still so tired

----------------------------------------------------------------


>in Caballeron's expedition party, there are two tents
>one for Caballeron
>and one as Caballeron's backup
>when Razzie showed up, the henchmen insisted on setting up the backup tent for her
>Caballeron never approved of this plan
>but never forbade it either
>so Razzie has had a tent to herself every night so far
>which is good
>everyone else has bedrolls under the jungle canopy
>the spare bedroll you managed to grab is, of course, rather small for you
>but that's all right
>it's not exactly cold out
>after your discussion with Pickpocket, Razzie quickly disappeared into her tent
>and some hours after that, you found yourself in your bedroll
>obviously, you're not asleep
>but that's fine
>according to the Doc, you should be reaching the Temple some time tomorrow
>after that, you can start getting some proper sleep again
>like, on a train or something
>you're not thinking about the fact that the trek back out of the jungle will also take several days
>nor are you thinking about the likelihood that Caballeron will want to spend several days studying the Temple itself
>after tomorrow
>or at least. at some point after tomorrow
>then you can
>uh
>get situated with a job and a hotel
>there's probably banana farms or something in this part of Equestria
>who cares?
<"Anon."
"Huh?"
>your eyes, which you hadn't realized were closed, open
"Razzie? What's wrong?"
<"Come to my tent. I want to talk."
"Razzie, it's super late."
<"Were you asleep?"
"Well, no, but-"
>her little head presses into your side, and she makes as if to push you out of your bedroll
"All right, all right."
>you sit up
>what a glare she's giving you
>you don't bother pulling on your boots before standing up
>she makes her way to the tent
>you follow
>the jungle is quiet
>not silent, of course
>Caballeron is sitting up by the fire, sipping on tea and watching the treeline with cold eyes
>his henchmen are scattered, dark mounds of bedroll on the ground
>the ground is wet and bumpy, and you regret not stopping to put on your boots
>but the walk isn't long, and soon you're sitting cross-legged in Razzie's tent
>Razzie is staring at you
>her eyes seem frigid and appraising
"So, uh, what do you want to talk about?"
<"You told Pickpocket you would talk to me about something."
"Oh. Yeah. You saw all that. Well, it's up to you. What do you want to do?"
<"I want you to talk to me about it."
"Huh?"
<"Talk to me about it."
"I, uh, am talking to you about it."
>she inhales sharply
>her posture becomes straighter and taller
>and her eyes turn to solid ice
>you wait for her to say something
>but she doesn't
>you throw up your hands
"Look. What do you want me to say?"
<"I want you to say..."
>she scowls and takes a few steps forward, stopping a few inches from your knees
<"I want you to say..."
>she coughs
<"I want!"
>she stops speaking, but leaves her mouth open
>her jaw is working as though trying to form some word
>quiet, voiceless grunts sound from her throat, almost like she's choking on something
>and then
>she laughs
>it's a sick, spiteful, ugly laugh
>then the laughter cuts off without warning
>she headbutts your shin and lets an angry grunt off into the ground
>finally, in a soft voice, still facing the ground
<"I'm going to be just like my mother. Awful. Like her."
"What? Where's this coming from? Didn't you say you were gonna remember her nicely?"
<"I said I'd remember her in my own way. Well, I've been thinking about my own way. I'm always thinking. I can't stop thinking. About you. About her. I don't know anypony else. I think about her a lot. And I think so fast I can hardly keep track of it, and it's all about her. And you."
"Well, it's normal to think fast, sometimes. I'm sure your mother thought fast. I mean, not that you're like her. I mean, well, she was smart, and I'm sure you'll be smart, but that doesn't mean you'll, well-"
<"Pickpocket said you run away from everyone you like."
"Yeah, I don't really know what that was about."
<"He didn't get that from a newspaper. I told him that. I thought of that. I'm always thinking about you. And her. You're like her."
"Her? Meaning your mother?"
<"She felt so close to me, right before she wanted to kill me."
>the pressure in your shin lessens
>and Razzie lies down on her belly
<"She'd never felt so nice before. So warm. And then she turned against me. I am smart. Like her. I knew more about her than she thought. She was afraid of feelings. Like you."
"What? What are you getting at?"
>at last, she looks up
>looks you in the eye
<"I know more about you than you think, too. I'm smart. I'm always thinking. I can put things together. Things you told me. Things I saw when we went to Ponyville. Things Miss Apple Fritter and other ponies told me."
"You don't know-"
<"I know you ran away from Princess Twilight. I know something happened before you did. I know it wasn't a fight. You got close to her, somehow, and then you ran away."
"You lived under a rock until like two weeks ago! You can't possibly-"
<"You ran away from Princess Twilight. My mother turned against me. You'll turn away from me, too."
"No, no. You've had a few good insights tonight, but that one is bogus. I can't abandon you, you're just a kid."
<"But what if you could? What if there was someone you could foist me off onto?"
"Wha- Pickpocket? You thought I-"
"I thought... you sounded like you didn't care one way or the other... when you said you'd talk to me."
"Well, fu- gee freakin' willickers, Razzie. I was tired. Of course I care. Of course I care about you. I-"
>you take a second to catch your breath
"Look. The other day, back on the train, I asked you if you wanted to come live in Ponyville, or go on running around til we find your sister. Ponyville would have meant a lot of the same things Pickpocket is offering. A home, school, friends, all the ingredients for a normal childhood. It also would have meant that I'd have to go back to Twilight. I'd have to apologize, explain myself, make things up to her, all the staple friendship shi- stuff. You said no to that. You wanted to run around Equestria looking for your sister."
<"I... know what I said. I only said... what I thought you wanted... to hear."
"Well forget about what I want. My life is over. There's nothing for me anywhere. I don't want anything. You're the one with a future. I only want what's best for you."
<"What do you mean your life is over?"
"Oh, forget I said that. It doesn't really mean anything. I'm just saying... stuff. Look, our next move is up to you. You can go with Pickpocket if you want. We can leave Pickpocket behind and hop on a train going anywhere if you want. We can settle down in Ponyville, or try to make it in Canterlot, or farm turnips in Stalliongrad, or whatever. I don't care."
<"So you don't care."
"No, that's not what I-"
<"So, suppose you do manage to settle what's best for me, whatever that means. That will take, hmm, six to eight years at most?"
"Huh?"
<"Less, if you find someone to foist me off onto, of course. Such as my sister, whom I've never met."
"What are you on-"
<"I'm on about the future. Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
>you scoff
"What is this, a job interview?"
<"I don't know what you mean by that. As you pointed out, I lived under a rock until about two weeks ago. I don't know what's out there for you."
"Razzie, that's none of your-"
<"Of course it's my business. You've done so much for me, and I've done nothing to deserve it."
"What? Of course you have. And anyway, who said anything about deserving things? Of course you deserve to live."
>Razzie breaks eye contact and looks down again
<"I... well, let's leave off on that. For now."
>there's a moment of tense silence, which you break with a chuckle that sounds a bit more nervous than you intended
"Gee, Razzie. You can talk circles around me just like–"
<"Just like my mother."
>you blink
"Yeah. I didn't realize how smart you are. You'll probably be as smart as she was when you grow up.”
>she blinks
“I mean, That's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you'll do bad things."
<"That's enough, Anon. You can leave me now."
"Excuse me?"
<"Please leave me alone, Anon."
>there's another moment of silence
>but there's no tension in this one
"All right. Get some sleep, Razzie."
>she doesn't respond
"Staying up all night thinking doesn't make your problems go away. It just makes you tired."
>again, no response
>so you turn around
>crawl out of the tent
>and stand up in the humid jungle night
"Man, normal kids do not talk like that."
>"Indeed, no, they don't."
>you flinch
>Caballeron stands before you with a sardonic grin
"Were you list- How much of that did you h- Oh, I said that out lou- Oh, she heard me! What do you want, Caballeron?"
>"I want to get some sleep. Since you're already awake, I'm passing the watch to you."
"Oh. Fine."
>"A big day tomorrow, Mister Anonymous. A big day."
>Caballeron makes his way to his tent
>you head over to the fire
>nothing happens during your watch
>in the moment, the watch seems to drag on forever
>but when Biff comes to relieve you, it feels like you've only just sat down to stare at the trees
>whatever
>you make your way to your bedroll
>you don't manage to fall asleep all night

>when the sun rises, it seems absurd somehow
>it seems as though the deep red spilling out over the horizon could be hot cheeto dust instead of sunlight, and it wouldn't make any difference
>you remember it's been years since you've seen a cheeto, and some for some reason this spurs you to sit up in your bedroll
>but the cheeto quickly slips from your mind, only to be replaced with a feeling of fuzziness and weight
>you want to get up, but it takes you a moment to focus on a plan of action
>eventually, it comes to you
>you pull on your boots
>roll up your bedroll
>and stand up
>you feel surprisingly well rested
>minutes pass
>the sunrise has stirred the whole camp
>bedrolls are rolled up
>tents are taken down
>dry travel rations are distributed
>nobody wants to stop and make pancakes
>the Temple is only hours away
>and the party sets off with minimal delay
>before long, the sun grows hot as it passes from red to yellow to white
>insects in the trees begin wailing in loud, high pitched whines
>birds screech
>monkeys howl
>all this noise is off in the distance somewhere
>you can hear it
>but it still feels silent here among the ponies
>Caballeron swaggers confidently with his hired thugs
>for one moment, Pickpocket looks back to glare at you
>for another moment, Razzie's dull glance passes through you almost unconsciously
>there are several moments when your boots get stuck in the mud, forcing you to strain a bit to take your next step and making an obnoxious slopping sound
>at last, there's a moment when the jungle canopy begins to thin
>and another where it clears entirely
>in the center of a massive clearing there stands a huge, crumbling structure of pale yellow stone
>but also
"Why is there a huge crowd of ponies here?"
>"Hm? I told you the Temple had already been discovered, Mister Anonymous. Lots of archaeologists want to study it."
"Oh, that's awesome. What the hell did you throw a net over my head for again?"
>"To get inside. There's magic. Come with me, I'll take you to the door. As for the rest of you, set up a camp as close to the Temple as you can. I will send for you if we find a way in."
>as Caballeron leads you away, Razzie scampers to your side
>she shoots Pickpocket an arctic glare
>which prompts Pickpocket to scowl at you
>which prompts you to sigh
>Caballeron looks at Razzie with an appraising eye
>she looks back at him defiantly
>"Very well. You may come too."
>with that, you're off to the door
>as your party of three makes its way toward the crowd, archaeologist ponies stop and stare
>once you begin threading your way through the crowd, conversations die in your wake
>though a few whispered comments can be heard in the throng
>"Caballeron's back with Anonymous?"
>"But where did he find him? The man's been lying low somewhere for months!"
>"I heard not even the princesses could find him."
>with each such comment, your shoulders draw inward and downward in an effort to seem smaller
>this is, of course, canceled out by Caballeron's chin raising higher and higher in triumph
>"I got lucky at last, Mister Anonymous."
"Huh?"
>"I've worked so hard, so very hard to be the archaeologist I am today. All I was missing to get ahead of my rivals was a bit of luck. And then, at long last, I saw you trudging by those train tracks."
"Uh, good for you?"
>"You understand nothing, Anonymous. When I breach the Temple of Man, I will finally make my mark in my field. I won't have to sell every artifact I find to some jackal spirit anymore."
"I'm sorry, what was that last part?"
>"I'll have a tenure at Canterlot University! I'll be able to share this vast wealth of knowledge I've earned on these decades of thankless wandering! My genius will be recognized at last!"
"Doc, you're shouting."
>"Who cares? Everypony is staring at you anyway."
>you groan as you glance around and see that all the ponies are, in fact, staring at you
"Thanks, Doc."
>"And don't look now, but here comes Daring Do and her blue friend."
"Who and who?"
>it takes you all of five seconds to learn who the "blue friend" is
*"Anon!"
>you freeze
>you pivot toward the shout
>and there, flying about five inches from your face
>is a furious Rainbow Dash
*"Anon! We need to talk! Now!"
"You know Dash, that's the third time I've heard that in the past twenty-four hours, so I don't know if we could maybe put this off until–"
*"Now!"
"Oh."

"All right, fine. You wanna yell at me? Yell at me. I don't care. Lay it on me, Dash. Tell me I'm selfish, tell me I'm stupid, tell me I'm a bad person. I don't care."
>Caballeron pipes up
>"Yes, yes, do have your little conversation. Only let's keep moving toward the door."
>a pony who looks for all the world like Rainbow Dash but brown storms up to Caballeron
>"Oh no you don't, Caballeron! I don't know what you're scheming this time, but you won't get away with it!"
>this, you assume, is Daring Do
>Caballeron sighs
>"Oh."
>you don't get to watch much of their argument before Rainbow Dash grabs your face and forces you to focus on your own problems
*"Yeah, you're selfish! Yeah, you're stupid!"
>out of the corner of your eye, you see Razzie storming straight for the door of the Temple without you
>so you walk after her
>Rainbow Dash hovers after you without seeming to notice
>Caballeron follows your lead, with Daring Do also following while continuing to yell
>well, if it works, it works
*"Hey! Are you listening to me?"
"Uh, no."
*"What the hay is wrong with you? What gives? You run away from home, and then when you meet me you treat me like a stranger?"
"First of all, I'm a grown man, not a little kid. I didn't run away from home, I just moved on. Second of all, as soon as you met me just now, you started acting crazy. Calm down."
*"You want me to calm down? You just 'moved on' from your home and friends? You know you just up and left your house in Ponyville, right? You know I've been the one taking care of it, right?"
"What? Why? I didn't ask you to do that."
*"Because that's what friends do, you jerk! And I don't even know if you're coming back!"
"Me neither. Sell the house. Keep the money for yourself. I don't care."
>saying that makes you feel a bit lightheaded
>but after all, it's not like you had to pay for the house in the first place
*"Oh, just sell your house for you? More work that's supposed to be your problem, thanks 'Non."
"Again, I never asked you to take care of it. You can leave it be and let the village claim it, I really don't care."
*"That's not even the point! What do you mean you don't care? How can you just 'not care' if you see your friends ever again?"
"First of all, Twilight Sparkle is not my friend! Second of all–"
*"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! This whole thing was about Twilight! You just wanted to run away from Twilight, and you didn't even think about me!"
"What? What do you-"
*"Wasn't I your friend, too? Weren't we gym buddies? Didn't we used to hang out every day? And you just up and leave without saying goodbye to me! Oh, you leave Starlight a big, dramatic message for Twilight, but nothing for me, huh? And what about Pinkie?"
"What do you mean, what about Pinkie? She's everyone's friend."
*"Yeah, she is everyone's friend! That means she's your friend, too! She was pretty bummed out when you left without saying goodbye!"
>for a moment
>only the briefest instant, really
>you feel a bit cowed
>you almost feel a desire to shut up and let her rant at you
>but then you feel mad again
"Oh, fuck you! Fuck off!"
>you hear Razzie cough
>but you ignore it
"I can do what I want! It's none of your business what I do, or when!"
*"That's not how friendship works, Anon!"
"I don't have friends, Dash! I have never had friends!"
*"That's bogus! I'm your friend! Pinkie is your friend! And yes, Twilight is your friend, too!"
"If you're my friend, then why are you being a pain in my ass?"
*"Because... Because... Look, you're just mad because Twilight slept with you. That doesn't even make sense!"
>all at once, the clearing becomes very quiet
>amid the awkward silence, Dash's glare gradually fades
*"Oh. I mean, um..."
>Razzie coughs again
<"We're at the door, Anon."

>the door to the Temple of Man is a huge block of reddish stone
>on it is carved a bas-relief of, well, a man
"Oh."
*"Anon, who's the kid?"
"That's, uh, complicated."
>the face of the carving on the door is very detailed
>but it's nondescript
>bland, almost
>"Well?"
>Caballeron is frowning at you
"Well what?"
>"Open the door."
>Daring Do cuts in
>"Do not open the door for him. He'll plunder this place. If you want the history here to be preserved, let me in instead."
>"Don't let her in! I'm the one who saved your life, remember?"
"Can't I just let both of you in?"
>"No!"
>"No!"
>from the crowd, a voice pipes up
>"Can you let me in?"
>murmurs of agreement rise up
>but Caballeron and his rival silence the crowd with a synchronized glare
"Well, first thing's first. I don't even know if I can get this thing open. Is there a, uh, handle or something?"
>there is no handle
>well, maybe it's a push door
>you press your palms against the flat of the door and strain against it with your whole weight
>that didn't do it
>is there a puzzle or something?
>you spend a few seconds prodding at the bas-relief to see if anything has some kind of mechanism or catch
>"All that's been tried already! Do you think this many researchers would be unable to find a simple temple puzzle?"
"Well, I dunno. Didn't you say this thing was locked with magic? I don't know anything about magic. Maybe you should get a freakin' unicorn."
>"But that's you on the door!"
"That is not me. That's some other guy."
*"I dunno, kinda looks the same to me."
"Yeah, well, if I were colorblind you'd look the same as Daring Do here."
*"What? Our faces are completely different."
"Shut up, Dash."
>you fold your arms and glare at the bas-relief's face 
>man, fuck this door
>you raise your fist over your head and pound on the stone surface three times
"Hello? Is there anybody home?"
>a deep rumbling sound roars out from the door
>with a loud grinding noise, it swings inward
"Oh."
>Razzie doesn't wait for the door to finish opening before striding inside
"Whoah, hey, hang on a second."
>you rush in after her
>"Ow. Anonymous, what have you done?"
>you turn around to see Caballeron seeming to tap on the thin air in the doorway
"I opened the damn door, come on in."
>"I can't, there's still a barrier here."
>Daring Do smirks
>"Well, I guess this door's a great judge of character, huh?"
>she tries to walk in past him
>"Ow. Hey! Lemme in!"
>and now she's tapping on the thin air too
>Rainbow Dash tries to fly in over their heads, only to meet the same obstacle
*"A-Anon? You're not going in there alone, are you? You know we still need to talk, right? Maybe with less yelling this time..."
"Yeah, I know, I just–"
>you turn around
>Razzie is a good ways down the hallway
"Razzie, hold up!"
>the door begins to rumble again
>you turn back around to see it swinging closed
>the rival archaeologists are furiously pounding on the barrier while screaming at each other
*"Anon!"
"What?"
*"Come visit me in Ponyville some time, you stupid jerk!"
>before you can answer, the door finishes closing
>you turn around and run to catch up with Razzie

>Razzie is shuffling forward as though sleepwalking
"Hey! Hey, Razzie. Let's turn around and see if that door will let us back out. We gotta get outta here, you know."
<"Why?"
"What do you mean 'why?' We can't just waltz into some ancient jungle temple."
<"Why not?"
"Well, it's, you know, probably dangerous."
>she's still walking
<"It's nice to get away from them."
"Huh?"
<"We're alone here. It feels like it's been a long time since we were alone."
"We don't know that, Razzie."
>finally, she stops walking
<"What do you mean?"
"I knocked on the door and it opened. Somebody must have let us in. Or, probably. I think so, anyway."
<"Oh. I'm sorry, Anon. I don't know why I... You're right, can we go back now?"
"Yeah, yeah. We'll just head on back and-"
>from behind you, another rumbling sound
>it doesn't sound like it's coming from the end of the tunnel, where the door is
>it sounds like it's coming from...
>you turn around
"Oh that's... freakin'... awesome. We love that. That's just... wonderful."
<"I don't think that's wonderful, Anon."
"It's not."
>there's a wall right behind you
>where there's supposed to be a straight passageway from here to the exit
>there is instead
>a wall
>you turn away from it
>Razzie is busy making herself very small
>she's looking up at you with huge eyes
>you grin
"What are you, scared now?"
<"Yes."
>you blink
"Oh. That's honest."
<"There is no use in lying about it."
"Well. I guess that's true."
<"Are you scared too?"
"Oh, no. Of course not."
<"Are you lying?"
"Yeah. But there's a use in it when I do it. It makes you think I'm dependable."
<"Oh. I'll depend on you then."
"Thanks. Let's keep going. There's only one way forward, so we're bound to find something eventually."
<"Do you know that?"
"No."
<"Oh. Okay."
>the passageway leads forward in an unswerving, unbroken, downward slope
>at no point during your descent is there any opening in the walls to the left or to the right
>at your sides are solid walls of weathered, yellow stone blocks
>beneath your feet are cracked, reddish flagstones
>and above you
"Oh, this is stupid."
<"What?"
"Those are fluorescent lightbulbs in the ceiling."
<"What?"
"Those stupid, buzzing light tubes they have at hospitals and schools and office buildings."
<"Anon... what?"
"I didn't even notice the noise til just now. Oh, that is just... not something I've seen since coming to Equestria."
<"You don't like the lights?"
"No. Who ever heard of a lost jungle temple with lightbulbs? Let alone the worst lightbulbs on Earth."
<"I guess they usually had torches and braziers in old stories."
"Yeah, this is just... Razzie, do you mind?"
<"Mind wh- Oh."
>you scoop up Razzie in one arm
<"No, I don't mind."
>and you storm down the tunnel at an irritated speedwalk
>the passage terminates in a door with one of those spring-loaded pushbars and one of those pneumatic tubes that make doors close slowly
>this irritates you even more
>without stopping or even slowing, you stick out your arm and barge through the door
>"Aw, I knew he'd fling it open like that! Oh he mad!"
^"Hey, Anon. Been a while."
>you stop dead in your tracks and feel a trembling fist form in your free hand
>there are two figures lounging on cushions on the floor
>one of them is a man wearing a loincloth, decked out in heavy gold ornaments, and covered in what looks like tribal tattoos
>the other is a mare with a light brown coat, a dark brown mane, and a black bow in her hair

>you're not sure which of them annoys you more
>but on seeing them together here, you feel about an inch away from exploding
>you decide focus on the mare first
>after all, you promised Razzie you'd find this mare
"Amber. Amber Ember, wow. Look at you, it's you. Here. For some reason. Hey, I met your mother, if you would believe that."
^"You did?"
"Yeah. She wanted me to give you some things. First, there's this locket."
>you fish the heart-shaped locket of the mad scientist Phylum Strata from your pocket
>and you hurl it at Amber Ember, almost without meaning to
>she jerks her head back out of its way, and it bounces off of the cushion in front of her
^"Oh, this... Wow, Anon this is–"
"Ah, one more thing."
>you set Razzie down
<"Anon..."
"Amber, this is your sister. Her name is Raspberry Heaven. Your mother can't take care of her anymore, on account of, uh, she's dead."
^"What?!"
>"Raspberry Heaven is dead?!"
>you turn to the other guy
"Oh. You knew their mother. Of course you did. Why wouldn’t you? Well she went by Phylum Strata when I knew her. This filly here is Raspberry Heaven now."
^"Wha– well, how did she die?"
"Well, I was having a bit of a bad day, so I uh, chased her into a lava pit. Man, that was a really bad day."
>Amber leaps to her hooves
^"You what?"
"Well, you see, she wanted to rip poor Razzie's brain out of her skull, so good taste really demanded–"
^"She what?!"
"Yeah, she wasn't very nice. Anyway, that's all I needed from you. I'll be going now."
>you turn around and reach for the door
<"Wait, Anon! You're not leaving me!"
"No, no, I'm not leaving you. Or, not really. Well, I am leaving you, but it's okay; I'm leaving you with family! You'll be all right."
<"But where will you go?!"
"I dunno. Out into the jungle. Whatever happens happens."
^"Oh, for the love of– take away that door!"
>there's a sound of snapping fingers, and the door is replaced with solid wall
^"Sit down, sit down, Anon."
>"Yeah, you look a little dizzy, dude."
>an armchair scoops you up, spins you around, and sets you down facing the others
>a cupholder appears in one of the armrests, and a glass of ice water appears in the cupholder
"No, no, I should really get going."
^"Anon."
"What?"
^"Do you remember how there's a crowd of archaeologists outside who all want to meet you?"
"Uh huh."
^"Do you remember how Princess Twilight's friend is out there, probably waiting to drag you back to Ponyville?"
"She's my friend too."
^"Do you want to see her right now?"
"No."
>Amber pats you on the arm
^"Drink some water, big guy."
"Wait. No, no, something's not right here."
^"What?"
"Were you guys watching me?"
>"Oh, yeah, check it out."
>the other guy snaps his fingers, and a TV descends from the ceiling to display what's happening outside the door of the Temple
>a lot of archaeologists are squabbling
>Caballeron is among them
>you see Dash's friend, but not Dash
>you jump to your feet
"Okay, first of all."
>you point at the other guy
"So you've just been here this whole time? Like, this whole time, you've just been here in Equestria?"
>the other guy stands up to strike a bizarre, contorted pose with his hand spread wide in front of his face
>"That's right! One thousand years ago, in a mad quest for power, I inscribed my body with arcane runes-"
"I do not wanna hear your fucking backstory."
>the other guy drops his hand
>"Wha- why not?"
"Wait, hang on. A thousand years ago? You said you knew Amber's mother."
>"You tell me you don't wanna hear about my backstory and then you ask me about my backstory. But yes, if you must know."
>he raises his hand again and appears to strain his back muscles, presumably for added effect
>"Before I could take over Equestria, my friend and former ally, the super-scientist Raspberry Heaven, stole the Peg-Horn of Darkstar from me and sealed me away in this-"
"Amber!"
>Amber shrugs
^"What?"
"What the fuck?"
^"Wha- well I... Listen. I knew you for, like, one week. What was I supposed to do, tell you all about my family life? It was a bit of a mess, all right?"
"How fucking old are you?"
^"You know, that's kind of a rude question. And you don't have to sound like you're making an accusation when you ask it."
"Amber."
^"I'm not that old. I'm only, like, sixty... ish. I know, I know. I look, uh, pretty young for my age. That's just, um, well, I'm probably just... gonna live forever..."
"Razzie?"
<"I didn't know. Mother looked old for as long as I can remember."
^"Mom got old?!"
<"Um... yes?"
^"Oh. Not forever then. Okay."
>Razzie stares at Amber
>Amber stares at Razzie
^"So you're my... sister."
<"Sort of. I think so."
^"Do you wanna, um, come sit next to me?"
<"I... yes."
>the sisters situate themselves next to each other on the cushions
>they're not close enough to cuddle, but they are close enough for a soft conversation you can't hear
>good for them
>you fall back into the chair
>the tension you felt inside of you slackens
>the explosion you expected does not come
>this is all so fucking absurd
>the other guy walks up to you
>"You doing all right, bro? You look a little pale."
"So you and Amber. You just... happen to know each other?"
>"Yeah. She visits me sometimes."
"That's so fucking weird."
>"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I set out from Phylum Strata's evil lair looking for Amber Ember. Not only does she just happen to be in the first place I happen to blow into, but she also just happens to be friends with the only other human being in all of Equestria, who I didn't know existed until just now?"
>"I... guess so."
"But that's absurd."
>"Is it any more absurd than just waking up in Equestria one day?"
>you sigh
"I guess not."
>"You look tired, dude."
"I didn't get any sleep last night."

^"Anon."
^"Anon?"
"Hm?"
^"Are you asleep?"
"Huh? No, no, no, no. I'm not–"
^"You were totally sleeping."
"No I wasn't."
^"Oh yeah? What were we just talking about?"
"Man, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention."
>Amber laughs
>you open your eyes
>it really doesn't feel like you were asleep
>you just, uh, cleared your mind a bit
>did some deep breathing
>rested your eyes
"Well, all right. What were you just talking about?"
^"Razzie's coming home with me."
>you start
>look to your right
>weathered stone walls
>look to your left
>the other guy, standing there with a bemused grin
"Oh. Jeepers, how long was I asleep for?"
^"Ah! So you were asleep!"
"What– I mean, whatever."
>Amber grins for a moment
>then puts on a serious face
^"Anon, what are you gonna do?"
"What do you mean?"
^"I mean where are you going from here? You gonna go hang out with the archaeologists, go back to Ponyville, or what?"
>you groan
"Man, I don't know."
<"Um..."
>Razzie is standing behind Amber, sort of trying to half-hide behind her leg
>Amber sighs
^"Anon, I've got a place in Trottingham. You can come crash with me for a little bit."
>you blink
"Can I?"
^"Yeah. I'll warn you, Trottingham's not exactly the middle of nowhere. That princess of yours is probably hear about it when you show up there."
"Geez. Am I *that* wanted?"
^"Yeah, look, I'm not gonna say *everypony* everypony knows about you, but everypony who follows the news knows the princess had a pet, uh, creature, who ran away from home. And stole some kind of evil magic thing from her. And is wanted by every archaeologist in Equestria."
"Oh."
>the thought of meeting Twilight
>the sight of Razzie staring at you with big eyes
>the thought of Twilight storming up to you on some vaguely British looking street
>stopping you in your tracks
>and...
>what?
>a fight?
>an arrest?
^"Anon?"
"Uh... There's a train station in Trottingham, right?"
^"Yeah. A seaport too."
"Okay. It should take at least a week or two to travel there, right? Should be enough time to think things over."
^"Travel?"
"Huh? Yeah. It took about a week to trek through the jungle."
^"Anon, I've trekked through this jungle, like, one time."
>the other guy snaps his fingers, an a portal to a small living room snaps into existence
>"These runes are magic."
^"Yeah, he just magics up that portal when he wants to... Anon, are you all right?"
"Uh, probably."
>Amber smiles
^"Anon, I'm sure you'll still have a day or two to think things over."
"Can I do that?"
^"I invited you, didn't I?"
"Uh, sure. I'll do that then. Thanks."
>with a jerk, you stand up
>Amber waves to the other guy
^"Bye! I guess I gotta take these two home now."
>"Yeah, that's fine. Get outta here. Guess I got someone else I can bother with portals now."
"Huh?"
>"Yeah, you. We gotta talk about human stuff at some point, you know?"
"Oh. Okay."
>"Yeah, yeah, now get on out. The evil lair is now closed for business."
^"You gonna let those guys outside in?"
>"Maybe. Just gotta think of a spooky dungeon layout for them."
^"All right. We'll leave you to that, then."
>they do some more talking, but Amber does begin to lead you and Razzie to the portal
>and at some point after that you crash onto the living room couch and pass out

>you wake up in an unfamiliar living room
>someone has thrown a comically small blanket over you
>you sit up
>where's Razzie?
>there she is, sitting on the floor
>in front of her is a checkers board
>and on the other side of the board is...
"Amber?"
>Amber looks up
^"Oh, hey. Welcome to my house. Make yourself at home. Feel free to take a nap on my couch."
>you blink a few times
>she's grinning
^"When's the last time you slept, big guy?"
"Uh, just now? Or, no. Not last night. I think."
<"Anon..."
>Razzie is looking at you reproachfully
"What?"
>she laughs
>it's a nice laugh this time
>it makes you laugh too
^"Is your brain almost done firing back up?"
"Uh, hang on. Lemme just..."
>you stand up
>push your neck back
>and stretch as hard as you can
^"I'm gonna take that as a 'close enough.' Now when's the last time you took a bath?"
"Uh..."
>definitely not since Picacholt
^"I thought so. Here, I got this out for you."
>she grabs a towel with her grin and tosses it at you
^"Bathroom's down that hall. Second door on the left."
"'Kay."
>walking feels awkward
>your stride seems like a sort of shuffling waddle
>and even though the ceiling gives you a good few inches of clearance, you can't seem to hold your spine up straight
>seemingly for no reason, you end up in a bathroom
>similarly apropos of nothing, your clothes end up on the floor
>when water comes pouring out of the tap, it seems as though it might have done that even if you hadn't turned the faucet
>you stare at the rising water for a few minutes, thinking nothing
>then your head jerks up to look at something jutting out of the wall at chest level
"That's a showerhead."
>you blink
"Oh, I'm stupid."
>as you reach down to pull the plug on the drain, you realize there was no way you were going to fit into a pony-sized tub
>then you pull the plug on the faucet, and the world makes sense again when water pours out of the showerhead
>you have to kneel to fit under the pony-sized shower, but other than that it pretty much works
>you taste salt for a moment when you stick your head under the stream
>and when you open your eyes, there are streams of brown water flowing between you and the drain
>brown?
>no
>grey
>that makes you chuckle for some reason
>after a while, it feels as though the layer of salt and dirt that had covered your body is no longer there
>you turn off the water
>towel off as best you can
>and put your clothes back on
>then you make your way back to the living room
^"Hey, there you are."
>Amber frowns
^"Why do you still..."
>Amber scowls
^"Anon, did you have to put those dirty clothes back on?"
"Huh? Well, I... don't have anything to change into."
^"Do you have to wear clothes?"
"Does it smell that bad?"
^"Yes."
"Well... yeah, I do have to wear clothes."
^"Really? You don't see me running around with pants on."
"Well, you know... It's not decent when I do it. Just trust me."
>Amber groans
^"Do you know how to use a washboard?"
"Yeah."
^"Laundry room's right across from the bathroom."
"'Kay."
>walking seems normal again
>the laundry room is just a small room with a deep sink and a washboard in it
>the floor is concrete with a drain in the middle
>this is pretty standard in Equestria
>washing machines aren't common in the land of chronic nudity
>the clothes come off again
>water spills from the tap again
>the water turns grey again
>soon, your wringing your clothes out over the sink
"Now how do I dry these things?"
>the door slams open
^"Oh, gosh."
"What?"
^"That's really not decent."
>you grunt
^"You done washing?"
"Yeah."
^"Hand them over. I'll get them on the clothesline."
"Thanks."
>Amber chuckles
"What?"
^"That thing looks goofy."
"Oh, whatever."
^"You want, like, a towel to wrap it up in so you can hang out with us?"
"No, I'd better not."
^"You sure?"
"Razzie's a kid, that's weird."
>a shout from the living room
<"I've seen it before!"
>Amber raises an eyebrow
"I mean, that was a weird circumstance. That doesn't count."
>Amber's eyes open wide
^"Oh, that's right. We need to talk. I will get you a towel."
"Huh?"
^"Be right back."
"What?"
>she disappears down the hall
>and a few minutes later, the door slams open again
>and a balled-up towel hits you straight in the dick
>by this point, it seems like it's probably too late to save your decency from Amber Ember
>but you cover up anyway as she steps inside
>closes the door behind her with a rear hoof
>and smiles
>it's a very wide smile
>but it doesn't seem to reach her eyes
^"Okay. Anon?"
"Yes?"
^"So, it's been a while since we last met, right?"
"Yeah."
^"Until one day, you sort of drop in out of the blue while I'm visiting an old family friend."
"I guess you could put it that way."
^"And, you know, while we were there, you sort of, ah, said a few strange things."
"D-Did I?"
^"Mhm. And I feel like I've given you a lot of benefit of the doubt."
"Uh..."
>Amber's face twists into a hard scowl
^"You chased my mom into a lava pit!"
"Well, I– you know, I think I already mentioned something about the, um, extenuating circumstances that, uh, compelled me to, well, t-take some drastic action, and, I mean, I– I didn't mean for things to go down that way, you know, I was just sort of acting, not so much thinking, I was a little out of it after she, uh, locked me in this weird sitting room for a month, and then there was the situation with your sister, which kind of–"
^"Anon!"
>you flinch
>Amber is trembling, but the fake smile is back on her face
>she sits down on the floor, and motions you to do the same
>you lean against the wall and slide down to the floor, making damn sure to hold that towel in place on the way down
>when you hit the floor, you exhale, and it seems to carry all the energy out of you along with the breath
>your shoulders slump, and somehow the muscles in your face feel tired
>Amber is looking at the floor
^"Okay. What happened? Where did you even find her?"
"Uh, you know where Picacholt is?"
^"Yeah. That's not too far from Marenberg, right?"
"Right. So I had to cross that mountain range between Picacholt and Marenberg. And while I was doing that, well, that's when I met her."
>she nods
^"Okay. I believe that."
>then her eyebrow shoots up
^"Wait. That's in the middle of the desert. What were you doing walking around out there?"
"Well, some evil cowboy ponies were trying to run me out of Picacholt."
^"What? What were you doing getting into fights in Picacholt?"
"Well– wait, no. No. Did you wanna hear about your mom, or did you want me to tell you absolutely everything that's happened since Canterlot?"
^"Um..."
>what the hell?
>she looks like she's seriously considering that
^"I dunno..."
"What? How can you not know?"
^"I just... I don't know if I'm ready. I mean, I do want to know, but... I don't know if I want to get to that part right away."
"Look, what do you want to hear?"

^"Did you run straight from Ponyville to Picacholt?"
>you sigh
"Yeah."
^"Why?"
>you groan
>and then
>you spill out everything
>it all comes out under Amber's prodding questions
>even as you try to advance the story toward Phylum Strata, Amber Ember keeps on pulling you further and further back in time
>so you tell her everything
>from the moment you arrived in Equestria
>to the strange welcome party
>to your year of total isolation
>to the day you really met Twilight Sparkle
>and why you really met her
>Twilight's insane plan to force you to learn friendship
>Amber laughs at the stupid little outings you had to go on with Twilight's friends
>nods when Twilight's map shanghais you to the Crystal Empire
>frowns at the ridiculous misunderstanding that landed you in the mental hospital
>then helps you narrate your stay in the hospital, her eyes lighting up at her own appearances in the story
>then you broke into the Crystal Empire again to watch Twilight save the world from Sombra
>you might have played a role in "reforming" him, but that was probably ruined by Spike
>and after that, a year of rest and domestic bliss
>or at least, a year of not much happening
>until one day Twilight had to ruin it by getting way too close to you
>so you ran
>as far as you could
>as fast as you could
>and wound up in Picacholt
>got involved in Apple Fritter's stupid western drama
"And that's why I got ran out of Picacholt."
>and got captured by the mad scientist Phylum Strata
^"My mom."
"Yeah."
^"What... What did she even want with you?"
>she wanted you to swap ponies' brains around and ruin lives
>maybe, on some level, she wanted to learn how to open up to Razzie
>but ultimately, she wanted you to scoop out Razzie's brain so she could live forever
>Amber swallows something, hard
>well, so an escape attempt was made
>then the month in the weird sitting room
>and then, into the lava pit with the evil genius
"And that's how that went."
>Amber stares at you
^"And what happened then?"
>what happened then?
>then you let yourself get bogged down in Picacholt again over a childish insult
>then you tried to kill someone
>and, of all the fucking people
>it was Sombra
>the evil wizard
>it was Sombra who stopped you from crossing that line
>and then you were on a train to the jungle
>and then you met Amber again
"And you already know the rest."

^"Mm."
>Amber looks down
>then up
>then down again
^"Hm."
>then she stands up
^"Well. I'll..."
>then she sits down again
^"I don't know."
>she sighs
"Tell me about her."
^"Huh?"
"Your mom. What was she like?"
^"Well..."
>she taps her hoof on the floor
^"Well, one day, out west, a mare came down from the mountains and walked into Picacholt."
^"She started working as a doctor, met a candy-maker, and then they had me."
^"She was, uh, not there a lot of the time. And when she was, she was a bit, um, awkward."
^"Uh, I remember she wanted me to be a doctor. She was disappointed when I got my dad's talent instead of hers."
^"Anyway, it was a long time ago. But, you know, I grew up, and eventually my dad passed away. And after that, my mom called me into her office, gave me a shot, and told me to go away."
^"Next day she wasn't in town. One of the prospectors, uh, I think he was in your story, that burro, uh, Dismule. Anyway, he said he saw my mom headed out toward the mountains."
^"I didn't see her again. I always figured I'd head out to those mountains to find her one day. But then I wondered off to Manehattan, Baltimare, Canterlot, Trottingham, just all over the place, you know?"
^"And then you showed up and told me she jumped into a volcano. Guess I won't see her again after all."
>Amber looks down
>then up
>then straight at you, with a weird grin
^"Anon."
"What?"
^"What was it like when you tried to kill yourself?"
"What?!"
^"What was going on in your head?"
"I... I don't really remember. It's hard to get back into that mindset, Amber. And I don't really want to."
^"You wanna know what it was like for me?"
"Not really."
^"I thought it would be funny."
"Yeah."
^"It was like I was doing something mischievous."
"Like unscrewing the salt shakers at a restaurant."
^"Exactly! Like, nobody would really care all that much."
"But it would be annoying to whoever had to clean it up, and that made it all worth it."
^"Just like that. Oh, just like that. And it was just perfect because I was in this big, swanky Canterlot hotel. I jumped into the bath tub with a razor and thought about the maid who would have to mop it up."
"Yeah. Yeah. Someone, I think I imagined Pinkie Pie, would have to come and take down my stupid tent. And it'd all just be a big, dumb prank."
^"And I was sitting there, watching the water turn pink, kinda giggling about it. And then, all of the sudden, it stopped being funny. It wasn't like I had some kind of epiphany. I didn't get up and decide my life was worth living. I just stopped caring. I just stopped caring about anything. The prank didn't seem wrong, it just seemed pointless. So then I said to myself, 'Oh, now the mood is ruined,' and I got out of the tub and called the front desk. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital."
"Huh."
^"Did something like that happen for you?"
"Uh, well, I didn't stop myself. Twilight did. I dunno, there was a lot of really sharp pain in my chest, and then I woke up as Twilight's friendship slave and after that I guess I was too irritated by everything to think much about, uh, pranks."
^"You just need to be irritated, huh?"
"Or just unhappy. Maybe people just need to be unhappy."

----------------------------------------------------------------

>you can feel yourself lying in the bed
>but you don't wake up
>the dream goes on
>it's running faster now
>faster
>still faster
>you find a job at a jeweler's shop and start to lodge there
>you make friends with your boss
>she's a real sweet and innocent mare
>her sister becomes your friend too
>in fact, a whole little group of friends pops up around you and Amber, for seemingly no reason at all
>the faces and names are rushing past you in a blur, you can't remember them clearly right now
>Razzie enrolls in school
>she's a real bright kid, just unbelievably smart
>she's angry too, just unfriendly all the time
>but a couple of the other foals reach out to her
>she cracks
>opens up
>makes friends
>you're so proud of her
>little episodes of daily life are played on fast forward
>helping one friend find a lost watch
>getting caught up in a stupid web of lies over a surprise party for another
>was Trottingham really like this?
>you want to slow down, but you can't manage to anchor yourself to any of these memories
>you reach at the faces to stop the terrifying plummet, but they part before your clawed fingers like ghosts
>until at last
>you hit something solid
>you forget about the dream as you sink back into it

----------------------------------------------------------------

>you were walking down a sunny Trottingham street when you met her
>you were in a real good mood until you met her
>she told you to follow her
>she led you to a hotel room
>it's just you and her now
>at long last
/"Anon."
"Yeah."
/"We need to talk."
>you smile
"You said that already."
/"I know."
>she inhales once
>and exhales once
/"I guess the first thing I'll say is that I found the laboratory you were at."
"You did, huh?"
/"I found the records of the... procedures that went on there."
"Oh. I guess you're here to blast me with a friendship beam then."
/"No, Anon. I want you to know that I tracked down every pony who underwent the brain-swapping procedure and reversed it. I wanted to make sure it was done before I met you. So it wouldn't bother you while we talked."
"Ahuh. It still kinda bothers me."
/"It wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed at home."
"I know."
/"You thought you could just wander off into the big, wide world. You did it, and you got hurt."
"I know."
/"And you though that... that–"
"Did you get Sombra?"
/"No."
"No?"
"It seems, during your, ah, fight, you cracked Sombra's prison. He'd already escaped by the time I got back to Picacholt. I don't know where he is, or what he'll do next."
"Oh. So you're coming to arrest me, at least."
/"No."
"No?"
/"I don't want to."
"Oh."
>she stands up and paces around for a few seconds
/"Oh, I don't know what else to say. Except... Except for..."
>she turns to face you
>draws herself up to her full height
>and stares you straight in the eye
/"Anon, I love you."
>you scoff
"No you don't."
/"No, not like that I don't, and I'm sorry for... Anon, I love you. I do. It's not like the way I love my family, and it's not like the way I love my other friends. It's like... the way we used to just casually bicker at each other, I've never had that with anyone else. But, it's more than that. It's..."
>her lip trembles
/"Anon, I love you in the sense that... if something happened to you, and I knew I'd never get to see you again, I would be devestated."
>something wet finds its way out of her eye and onto her cheek
/"That is the way in which I love you."

----------------------------------------------------------------

>wake up
>the Princess of Friendship is standing over you, her mouth a smile but her eyes all a-panic
"I love you too."
>she blinks
/"Huh?"
"You said you loved me."
>she glares at you
/"Anon, that was ten years ago! You said you'd come visit me sometime, and then a week later you disappeared from Trottingham and I haven't heard from you since!"
"I'm visiting you now."
/"I don't live here anymore. I live in Canterlot."
"What?"
/"You scared Starlight half out of her wits, stumbling in here all sick like that. You're lucky Doctor Heaven was visiting. I'd send you to the Moon if it wasn't just a bad flu!"
"Doctor... that's not Raspberry Heaven, is it? I thought I saw her, but..."
/"Uh, yeah. I think so."
"She's a doctor now? And she just happens to be friends with Starlight?"
/"Yeah. They've been friends for years now, I think."
"She's Doc now, then. That's awesome."
/"Anon, are you still feeling sick?"
"No, no. Sorry, that wasn't what we were talking about."
>you sit up
/"Anon, where have you been this whole time?"
>uh
>well, one day you were cuddled up on the couch with the jeweler mare
>it was such a sweet moment
>such a warm moment
>you got out of town that very night
>just hopped on the first ship out of town and spent the next few months working as a sailor
>worst job of your life, but you made a few friends
>so when the ship pulled in at Manehattan, you went ashore and didn't come back
>uh... and then there was Baltimare
>then there was Whinnyapolis
>went back to Marenberg at one point?
"Uh, you know. Here and there."
/"Well if it was nowhere important you should have dropped by! I missed you. We all missed you! Why didn't you come to Ponyville? Or even send a letter?"
"Because I missed you."
/"What?"
"I don't know. Twilight, I'm sorry. I've been running around Equestria for ten years and I've got nothing to show for it. I didn't learn anything or find a bunch of treasure or even make any friends. Not really, anyway. After a couple years on the road, I stopped wanting to talk to anyone. So I didn't. And in the end, it wasn't too different from hiding in my apartment all the time back on Earth, or living all alone in that tent outside of Ponyville. I ended up right back where I started, I failed your little friendship training. And now I'm in my thirties, and my back hurts too much to keep on running all the time, and I don't know what else to do. So when I got sick the other day I just hopped on a train to Ponyville. I couldn't think straight and all I wanted to do was see you."
/"Oh, shut up."
"Huh?"
>she's smiling
it's such a nice smile
/"You're seeing me now, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
/"Get yourself cleaned off and get dressed. I'll make some pancakes."
"Pancakes?"
/"Yeah. All your friends have been here all night. They need breakfast."
"Twilight, I just told you I didn’t make any friends."
>she shrugs
/"Tell that to Doctor Heaven. And her sister. And Rainbow Dash. And– well, you’ll see. Just hurry up, okay? We’ll all be waiting for you."