>Day turkey in Equestria
>It is midday
>You, Anonymous, the homeless beggar stroke your mighty beard as you stand in front of Celestia's throne
>Yes, Princess Celestia
>You don't quite know how you came to Equestria, but you ran from a purple pony and hitched a train to Canterlot
>You spent months scrounging around for food
>Alas, you have barely scraped by while making friends with the majority of the ponies
>But recently, a pony had apparently reported you to the big cheese of Equestria
>So here you stood, stroking your mighty beard
>Oh, and it was Thanksgiving, but the ponies didnt know that
>The noise of somebody clearing their throat caught your attention
>You looked up to see a somewhat perplexed Celestia sitting on her throne, her mane flowing rather remarkably 
>She smiled down upon you, but you just stared into her eyes, now twirling your mustache 
>"Anonymous the human?"
>You stopped twirling your mustache
"Yes?"
>Your voice was slightly raspy, but you could get over it
>Celestia appeared to wince at the sound of your voice
>"You are, as of now, the only homeless being to reside within Equestria's borders."
>You put your hands on your hips and clicked your tongue
"Really? That's a surprise. There are thousands of homeless where i come from. Mostly children and mentally incapable adults, but eh. Shit happens."
>She nervously laughs and the guards shuffle uncomfortably
>"Impeccable word choice... Alas, I wish to offer you a home, on behalf of Equestria!"
>Oh?
>What's this?
>She insulted your word choice and now she wants to give you a home?
"Sorry sister, but i think i'll stick to hunting and gathering."
>Her laugh dropped and she narrowed her eyes
>"That is not an option. I will not have a homeless creature within my borders."
>Wut
"I'll just leave your borders then?"
>She cocked an eyebrow, still frownin down upon you
>Oh fuck
>"You are not a creature native to this world, Anonymous the human."
>Where is she going with this?
>"As such, I am afraid that i will have to make you a creature native to Equestria."
>She shooed away the guards, who left in a hurry, and she stepped down from the throne
>That glorious ass swaying to and fro all the while
>You wiped drool from your beard and looked forward, as you both stood eye to eye
"Today is thanksgiving, and i wont thank you if you do that."
>She cocked her head to the side slightly
>"What is thanksgiving? Some kind of human holiday?"
>You smiled
"Yeah, we buy or catch a turkey and cook it,, and then eat it."
>She put on this disgusted look on her face as she stepped back a little
>"You kill an innocent creature?!"
>You shrugged
"A man's gotta eat."
>She shook her head and sighed
>"Yes well. Now I have a good reason for doing this. This spell requires a large amount of power, and you will not retain your age. So... It will be my responsibility to find you a home."
>Fucking what?
>You are thirty four years old with a large beautiful beard that Phil Robertson would be proud of
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
>You took off your left boot and threw it at her
>You made the move to dive out the stained glass window, but instead of crashing through it, you bumped off of it
>Your head smacked the marble floor, and you fell into a daze
>You groaned as miss perfect ass came waltzing to your side, looking down pitifully at your stunned form
"Fluck offa me."
>You can't tell her to fuck off
>Fucking brain
>"Hmph, well. Might as well do it now and get it over with. Maybe somepony will teach you not to use naughty words."
>Fuck!
>A bright golden light flashed all around you as your body felt like it was ripping itself to pieces
>You screamed in pain for what felt like hours before you finally went unconscious
>Glorious sleep
>Take me away
>You finally woke up with a startled gasp
>You moved a hand to your face to feel for your amazingly sexy beard
>And it was still... there?
>Kind of
>It was about half the size of Willie's, from Duck Dynasty
>If you would take a guess, you would say that you are now a teenager
>If that is so...
"Test- gah. Testing... 1...2...3..."
>Yup, you were a teenager again
>What luck! You were younger!
>You made to jump out of bed and clap your hands, but you fell on all four limbs instead
"The fuck?"
>You looked down at where your hands should be, but instead found dark blue hooves
>Fucking hell
>You're a miniature horse
>But not really. You were a teenager, Seventeen you could guess.
>Sunbutt must not have known you were thirty four years old
>If you were younger, you might have been made into a foal or some shit
>But nope, here you were
"Wait..."
>Your beard caught your eyes
>You crossed your eyes to look at your mustache
"Aha!"
>Yup, your beard color has changed
>It was now gray 
>Perfect
>Fifty shades of pony
>But now you had to figure out a way to get out of this god damn country, before perfect ass finds you and does something weird
>Suddenly, the door opened and shed light on the small room
>Princess Celestia stood at the door
>Oh fuck
>You tried to make yourself unnoticeable, so you slumped onto your ass
>Great job Anonymous you clumsy fuck
>Her eyes swept across the room before they fell upon your form
>The curious eyes narrowed into slits as she stepped into the room slowly and with deliberation
>If you wouldn't know better, you'd think she was about to kill you!
"Heh..."
>Celestia stopped in front of you, her eyes boring down into your frightened face
>She looked so evil from up there
>Your eyes flicked to a hoof that had been lifted up, now slowly coming towards your face
>She's gonna smother you!
>You whimpered and flicked your eyes between her face and the incoming, perhaps hostile, hoof
>The hoof stopped just before it reached your newly formed muzzle
>You looked up to her eyes with a confused expression
>"Boop!"
>The hoof lightly poked your nose
>Her menacing gaze and frown turned into a lighthearted gaze and a grin
"Get outta here Celestia, the only reason i aint pissed is 'cause my beard is still here."
>You swiped away her hoof
>Celestia stepped back and sighed in response
>"Well if you want to be mad, be mad Anon, but just remember that i am helping you."
>Only your friends called you Anon
>You narrowed your eyes in contempt
>She took note of your apparent discomfort and smiled
>"Well at least you are a unicorn, in fact, you are the spitting image of Starswirl the Bearded when he was of teenage years."
>You sighed
>She scratched her chin with a hoof
>"I was expecting that spell to make you younger than this... I suppose i underestimated your age."
"Thirty four, i'm thirty four years old. I'm actually happy that you made me younger."
>You weren't happy that you were a pony
>But you are a unicorn!
>And none of those ponies can be misanthropic towards you anymore!
>Maybe you could finally leave this place
"Well Princess, it was nice of you to do this, but i'm afraid that i must take my leave."
>She chuckled
>You stood up awkwardly and managed to walk past her
>Celestia's horn lit up with a golden glow as the same glow wrapped around you, gently pulling you back
>"Not so fast. Now that you are technically a minor, you are under the care of whoever wants to care for you."
>Uh oh
>"And that somepony is me."
"I need an adult!"
>She laughed
>Oh god she laughed
>"Silly, I am an Adult!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
>You screamed as you were carried on Celestia's back into Celestia's bedroom
>Today was not a pleasant day as you wood usually say
>You thought you were about to be raped by the sun
>How does that work?
>Being raped by the sun...
>Your ears perked up as you thought of an idea
>A weird feeling
>You could feel your ears move upwards, and to the sides, it was an odd feeling that you wished would go away
"Celestia. I'll give you a cookie if you promise not to rape me."
>She fluffed her wings in apprehension
>"I'm afraid i do not know what 'Rape' is, my dear Anonmous, but I will gladly accept a cookie if you have one!"
>Oh.
>So you won't be raped today.
"I don't have a cookie, and why are we in here?"
>Celestia's ears folded down, disapointment from not having a cookie?
>"We are here to get you settled into your new body. Magic, walking, general things ponies know how to do." 
>Oh.
>Magic?
>You wonder what you could do with that
"Avada Kadavra?"
>You smiled to yourself
>"No... I don't seem to recall a spell of that name Nonny."
>Wut
"Nonny? Don't call me that."
>You could just feel her smile while on her back
>"Okay, Nonny."
>Ur a witty lil' cunt i'll give ya that
>She'd probably smack you if you called her a cunt
>You wonder...
"Cunt."
>Celestia's ears perk up
>"What was that, Anonymous?"
>Oh fuck
>She knew what it meant
"N-nothing. Just testing the waters for something just to be sure... Hehehe..."
>You chuckled nervously
>You hoped she didn't know what most of the cursing was
>"Well i'm fairly certain that what I heard was not 'Nothing' as you put it, Anonymous. I will not tolerate that sort of language coming from the mouths of my ponies."
>Your ears folded down, again, such an odd feeling
>How were you scared of this mare? You are... Were a human citizen of The United States of America
>Yeah! You could tell her that! Maybe she'd send you back!
"Yes well. I am a human citizen of The United States of America! I demand you to send me back to my country!"
>A golden glow enveloped you as you were lifted off her back and in front of her
>She plopped you on your ass and you looked up into her satisfied gaze
>Why is she happy?
>"I don't see a human anywhere. All i see is a terrified unicorn colt sitting in front of me."
>You gulped
>Why is she doing this?
"Why are you doing this?"
>She leaned her muzzle down to yours, and you flinched back slightly
>"Because i can tell when somepony needs another to care about them."
>She pecked you on your nose
>What did she mean by that? And why did she kiss your nose?
>"You are frightened."
>She sighed
>Of course you were! First you were human, and now you were... This!
"W-well yeah. I mean... You... Horses!"
>Damn, you couldnt even talk.
>Maybe you should just go to sleep, and everything will be okay
>You lied on the marble floor, your head getting cold, but you were in no position to complain
>Wouldn't want to get blasted by the sun...
>You felt a presence curl up against you
>You knew you weren't lying as a pony probably should
>It was uncomfortable in fact
>You decided to curl up into a ball and just sleep
>"It's okay to be scared. It happens."
>You felt the presence curl up all around you
>Rape
>"But i'm always there for my little ponies."
>RAAAPE
>Celestia hugged you from behind
>As your eyes widened, you wondered how you had gotten into this situation, and which pony had reported you to Celestia, if any
>You had to do something
>You were a man!
>You were no silly colt to be cuddled up by "Mommy Dearest"!
"Get off of me you wretched creature!"
>YOu kicked her in the stomach with a back hoof, eliciting a pained "Oomph" from the Princess
>Oh god you just kicked a creature powerful enough to incinerate you
>"N-now now Anonymous. That's not something a pony should do..."
>Get the fuck outta there
"I'm getting out."
>You stood up on four wobbly legs
>Oh shit, you haven't figured out how to walk on four legs yet
>And the door is closed to top it all off
>Your ears dropped once more
"I'm boned."
>"One could say that your plan wasn't thought out very well, hm?"
>You gulped
>She was right behind you
>"And 'Wretched Creature' isn't the term that most ponies use to describe a princess."
>Dont look at her and you wont die
>"You should probably shave, Nonny."
>Bitch you what?
>You turn around and burrow your gaze deep into her own radiant eyes
"The fuck you say?"
>Her soft gaze turned into a glare, but you didnt care about that, because this bitch just told you to shave
>"I told you, you need to shave. Don't curse in the castle."
>She met your gaze with equal intensity
>Your beard began to tingle at the thought of staring down a princess
>A random thought passed through your head
>What if beard magic was a thing?
>Suddenly, an earsplitting *POP* followed by a bright flash interrupted the staredown
>Princess Celestia tried to meet you eye to eye, but she turned her gaze down to your... thigh...
>Wow what a fucking surprise
>"Anonymous, you have received your cutie mark?"
>Huh?
>You looked at your ass and snorted at what you saw
>It was a cartoon beard
>Guess your cutie mark has to do with beard
>"It's a beard. Much like your own... How odd... I have never seen a unicorn specialize in beard magic... It was a theory made by Starswirl however..."
>So beard magic was a thing?
>Neat
"Still not shaving my beard, lady. I also humbly request to leave the castle. M'lady."
>Snicker
>Princess Celestia was not so humorous however, as she turned her hardened gaze back onto you
>"No. In fact, we still have to teach you the basics of magic."
>Damn
>Well, at least you know that you'll be great at beard magic!
>You pictured yourself flying with your beard, the beard flapping like wings.
>Much like the Ice King
>You notice a golden glow lift you up and place you down on a very soft bed
>"Now then. I wish to cover basic levitation AT LEAST by tonight. So we'd better get started."
>She had such a motherly voice, much like your own mother
>Interesting to note that your mother indeed had a beard
>Celestia, however, did not
>Yet
> *FLASH*
>Your eyes roll in your sockets as you try to reorient your perception and field of view
>When you finally undizzify yourself via bashing of the head with a hoof, you notice something peculiar
>Something is off about Celestia
>Maybe it was because she now had a beard.
>WAIT WHAT
"Oh no."
>Celestia remained unfazed by it however, and she did not seem to notice
>"Nonny? Did you just cast a spell?"
>There was now a flowing beard on her face, with a flowing mustache as well
>You had to admit, Celestia looked pretty good with a beard
>"Nonny?Are you fawning over me? That's not very polite to ogle your mo- er... Teacher's... Face..."
>Her eyes rolled down to where you were staring
>She looked back at you
>She then closed her eyes and proceeded to nod in a sagely manner
>Damn, she is pretty okay with this
"Are you okay?"
>"Yes yes. I suppose you do have a talent with beard magic."
>It's like dumbledore but horse
>Or Gandalf, whichever you prefer
>You personally prefer Dumbledore, because beards are sexy on wise wizards in mighty castles
>You wanted to milk everything from this.
"Why yes. I suppose i do have a talent with beard magic."
>Her eyebrow raised up a few inches
>Hm
"And i think i would rather work on beard magic than silly leviatation."
>An idea ran through your head
>"Well, levitation is a skill that most unicorns need to know, so i'm... afraid... that... you....."
>She trailed off when she saw what you had done
"Like it?"
>You had manipulated your own beard to pick up a quill that was laying on a nearby desk
>"I..."
>Her eyes were so wide that you thought they would burst from their sockets
>"I'm... So proud of you Anon!"
>Oh
>She pressed forward and smothered you inot a big hug
>The quill held by your beard fell, and your beard went limp 
>You had lost focus, wrapped up in the hug
>Your face was being smothered by her beard
>You should probably get rid of that
>But this seemed to be important to her, so why not return the hug?
>So you did
>This was perhaps the longest and most nervous hug you have experienced in your entire life
>Especially so, because you were hugging a pony that was twice your size with a beard that does not belong
>You had to admit though, ponies sure did have soft fur
>Princess Celestia smells like vanilla, such a comforting smell
>It reminded you of vanilla ice cream from back home
>So smooth as it glided down your throat, so sweet as the smell filled your nostrils, and such a memorable aftertaste
>Much like Celestia at this very moment, except you aren't eating her
>You broke away from the hug, and thought about Celestia without her long flowing beard
>With another, albeit less disorienting, *FLASH* the beard was gone from her face
>In your mind, you had ranked up to a level 2 beard wizard
"Yay."
>Celestia looked down upon you with an approving gaze
>You sighed in relief, unaware that you were holding in tension
>Why were you even tense before?
>It didn't matter. You were a level 2 beard wizard now
>"Well that was nice! Wouldn't you say so Anon?"
>Maybe
"I suppose it was comforting."
>Just maybe
>Celestia smiled
>"Good! Now that you know how to manipulate objects in... your own way..."
>She hesitated
>You guess that she didn't know how to explain what she had just witnessed
>It isn't every day that a man, or in this case pony, manipulates objects with his beard
>"I suggest we take lunch! The castle has some fine venues of course."
>Was she trying to reassure you about something?
>Because that is what her tone implied
>Or maybe she was saying that the castle had a wide selection of delicacies 
>Perhaps you were just over thinking things
>"Come along Anon!"
"Oh yeah, i'm coming."
>You quickly learned how to walk as a quadruped, it not being as hard as you thought
>You figured that your beard could make up for levitation or hands
>The thought excited you more
>You always did love to show off
>Whether it was your newly bought AR-15, or your ability to manipulate beards
>You sit at a large dining table along with Princess Luna and Princess Celestia
>There is also the purple pony that you first saw, though she has wings this time
>She didn't recognize you, though she did remark at your resemblance to Starswirl, whoever he is
>Apparently his full title was "Starswirl the Bearded"
>Maybe you could take that title
"Anonymous the Bearded..."
>It has a ring to it
>"Yes Twilight, we did in fact redecorate the castle, and have you met my newest student?"
>All eyes fell upon you as you were suddenly introduced
>You shrank back slightly
>She considered you her student
>That is particularly interesting
>For the first time in your life, you were finally important to someone, or multiple people
>Much better than your old job at CostCo
>"Anonymous? Twilight asked you a question."
>Your ears perked up at that, and you stood at full attention
>Not in that way
"Er, yes. What was that again?"
>Twilight was the purple pony's name
>Twilight smiled
>Ugh
>"What does your cutie mark mean, if you don't mind me asking?"
>This'll be odd to explain
"My cutie mark? Well... I suppose you could say that it signifies my talent at beard magic!"
>She stared at you blankly
>Did you break her?
"Twilight?"
>She turned her gaze back to you and burst out laughing
>Rude
>"Twilight, I can assure you. It is much more interesting than you think."
>Oh good, Celestia to the rescue
>And here comes the food as well!
>Chefs circled around the four of you as the deposited what looked to be caesar salad on platters
>Celestia looked to you
>Twilight was still laughing
>"Go ahead and show her."
>Mmkay
"Yeah sure."
>With some concentration you managed to pick up your fork with your beard
>Twilight stopped laughing
>Princess Luna was busy shoving her muzzle into the bowl of salad
>It must be pretty good
>You used your beard to shove the fork into the bowl, and you pulled it back out
>The fork was now covered in what looked like lettuce, radish, and spinach
>Time to munch!
>You shoved the fork into your mouth, your mustache catching a sliver of radish on the way in
>You pulled the fork back out slowly, still in your beard's tight grasp
>You calmly set the fork down and munched happily on the salad
>The ponies here sure did know how to make a good salad
>It tasted wonderful, even without ranch dressing
"Y'know. The chefs here sure do know how to make a good caesar salad, compliments to them, eh?"
>Twilight has spawned a notepad and quill, and she had apprently begun to write down some stuff
>Probably about you
>"Yes, they are very wise in their craft! Huzzah to salad, and huzzah to the chefs!"
>Luna shoved her face back into the salad
>"Agreed... I suppose..."
>Celestia glanced at you proudly, but she turned her head back to Twilight
"They better not talk about me behind my back..."
>You never liked that
>It was one of the few things that set you off
>"So Twilight. Taking notes at the dinner table again, hmm?"
>Twilight looked up from her furious scribbling
>"Yes! Who knew that such magic existed?!"
>Question answered, she kept at her writing
>An aspiration for knowledge she has
>After some time, you had finished lunch along with the others
>Luna sat back in her own, snoring away
>She truly did not care
>But that's okay
>You sat back as well, contended as you could ever be
>You managed to wrestle the pieces of salad that had gotten caught in your beard out
>Such is the life of a level 3 beard wizard