You Give Love a Bad Pain
By The Man From Another Time
themanfromanothertime@gmail.com

"What does he WANT from me?!"
> "Calm down, honey. Who are you talking about? What's going on?"
> Pacing back and forth you are temporarily ignorant of the attentions of your doting sweetheart husband, Shining Armor
"Do I have to go there myself? He's not even trying to find a partner! And he's not happy being alone, how could he be? Everypony needs somepony!"
> "Uh, honey? Cadence?"
> You walk past him once again, still deep in thought. 
"I mean it's outrageous! Who does he think I am? And who does he think *he* is??"
> Finally, Shining manoeuvres in front of you, plants his forehooves on your shoulders, and gets your attention
> "Honey, *who* are you talking about?"
> With a sigh, you sit down and put one forehoof up to your brow.
"I'm sorry, Shining. It's just — my duties. There's this creature, Anon, a hairless monkey-colt in Ponyville. He's been very frustrating."
> Your husband nods
> "I can see that. You're really worked up. What's he done wrong? Do I need to call in the Guard?"
> You take a deep breath. 
"He's... he's resisting love, dearest. It hurts me when somepony does that. He's a mature colt-creature living all by himself in a town full of potential partners, and he's deliberately staying celibate."
> Shining gives you that warm, sweet innocent smile — the smile you married him for
> "Aw, honey, Ponyville's not *that* big. Maybe nopony out there's interested in him that way."
> You instantly snap back into frustration mode.
"Yes there is! There are several, even! One mare was curious and I gave her a little mental nudge, and she made a pretty good pass at Anon — but he just took it as a sign of friendship!"
> Shining's smile slouches down into a confused look.
> "What's wrong with friendship?"
> You grit your teeth and lean in over him.

"I'm the Princess of Love, dearest, not the Princess of Friendship! Your sister gets off on that stuff, not me!"
> Escaping his grasp, you turn and resume pacing.
"... He stops for coffee and a snack almost every day at the bakery where she works, but no matter how many times she seductively licks the icing off a cupcake, he's as flaccid as the soft-serve ice cream they sell!"
> You throw one forehoof up in the air in frustration.
"... I figure maybe she's not his type, too much of a party mare, and as luck would have it there's another one who was a bit interested in him as well — a bit shy and demure, but caring and a real sweetheart. So I gave her a little nudge too, and what happens?"
> Reaching the end of your track you turn around and double back.
> Shining shrugs at you.
> "Another good friend made?"
"No! I overcooked it on the push and now she's stalking him, trying to figure out his ‘fetish' and how she can satisfy it. Which wouldn't be a problem if he at least got a fearboner out of it, or if she actually succeeded in one of her hackneyed plots to get him into bed with her."
> Shining raises an eyebrow and a forehoof.
> "Uhh, wait a minu-"
> But you ignore him and turn around again. 
"Now what am I supposed to do? Sic another mare on him? There no shortage of choice but I've got no feedback to go on, it's like shooting in the dark. Or maybe I shouldn't even be using mares? There's not a lot of gay colts in Ponyville, and most of them are spoken for. Do I turn somepony queer just to see if it'll work on him? If he's gay you'd think he'd at least tell a mare who was hitting on him."
> Your beloved soulmate still sits there, jaw half open.
> "Err, honey..."
> You shake your head.
"No, there's nothing else doing. I'm going to have to go out there and confront him myself. Find out what he wants from me! I haven't had to use the direct approach in decades. It really prints my cinnamon hearts just thinking about it!"

> As you ponder the next move, Shining Armor waves a forehoof in the air.
> "Is that really necessary? All that for just one colt?"
> He doesn't understand.
> This time you don't turn to face him, you just close your eyes and place your forehooves together in front of your muzzle.
"Dearest Shining, it is my responsibility as the Princess of Love to ensure that everypony finds that most precious thing in all life: somepony to love. Whenever a pony goes to sleep alone, without somepony to care for -- whether that's a husband, or wife, a partner, or even a parent or child -- there's a dark hole inside of them where love should be..."
> Opening your eyes, you look over your shoulder at him.
"... I can *feel* those absences, those empty places. And the longer they fester, the stronger the feeling, until the feeling becomes more of a *sting*..."
> You shake your head, staring off out the window into the distance.
"... Anon has been here for more than a year. Each night the hollowness inside of him is like a tiny dagger in my heart..."
> Clutching a forehoof to your chest, you continue.
"... Of course, most ponies are perfectly capable of finding love on their own -- or at least trying and failing, which makes them whole for at least a little while, and usually makes them stronger for the next attempt, too. That's just how life is! But sometimes I have to intervene, though never with anything more than subtle nudges or hints. Lately, I've even asked Luna sometimes to inject things into a dream or two, for an even lighter touch ..."
> The thousand-hoof stare turns furious.
"... But I've never had intervention fail. And doubly never has it failed *twice*. This is inconceivable!"

> Shining comes up behind you and throws a reassuring foreleg over your shoulder, muzzling cozily against your neck.
> "Honey, I don't know what to say, but maybe it's just different with this colt. He's not from here, right? Maybe he works differently, somehow. Just try to calm down a bit. Maybe your powers are going a bit haywire; who knows how they work with aliens? Perhaps Princess Celestia can help you figure out what's going on."
> You turn slowly out of his tender grasp.
"Oh, sweetie..."
> Tilting your head sideways, you lift your eyebrows as you behold your wonderful, handsome, and helpful husband, then you raise your forehooves up to hold his cheeks, squeezing them gently as you smile at his infantile efforts to help.
"... It's so nice of you to want to help. But I've already figured out what I'm going to do..."
> Pursing your lips to match his forcibly-squished face, you bob your head to and fro.
"... I'm going to go down to Ponyville, see first-hoof what's going on, and figure out for myself if what I suspect is true."
> Shining lifts a squooshed eyebrow.
> "Fwuts fvat?"
> You lean in and nuzzle your gracefully-shaped muzzle into his chubby snout.
"Why, that this hairless alien monkey-colt is actually, deliberately, resisting Love, and by extension trying to undermine my authority over the entire domain!"
> Releasing your husband's head, you place your forehooves back on the ground, and stand up.
"... And if he is, I'm firstly going to find out *why*, and then secondly make him *pay*!"
> He furrows his brow.
> "Sounds a bit... drastic. I think-"
> You shake your head as you trot past him towards the door.
"Ah-ah! Darling, we can't have ponies walking around without love..."

> Your smile gone, you look over your shoulder at him once more.
"... Well, I can't, anyways -- because as I might have mentioned already, it *physically* hurts me when they don't. And right now, this Anonymous is hurting me *a lot*. So, one way or another, I've got to fix this..."
> The pleasant smile instantly reappears.
"... Have fun while I'm gone! It'll take a couple of days to the bottom of this."
> You light your horn up and prepare that supremely impressive spell in the repertoire of any accomplished magician -- teleportation.
> Destination: Ponyville
> In a flash of pink, you wink out of existence from one place only to reappear in another.

> You are Shining Armor.
> The wife's just left you alone for the weekend.
> She's on some kind of... love rampage?
> Maybe you should tell somepony.
> Warn your sister, for example -- she lives in Ponyville too, after all.
> Your eyes wander over to that tall wooden cabinet which oh-so-rarely gets opened these days.
> Or...
> You bolt for the door, and give a sharp whistle to the two guards posted outside your palace chambers.
> The Crystal Pony colt and his Pegasus comrade salute you.
> "Yes, my Prince!"
> "Yes, my Prince!"
> You narrow your eyes and look at the Crystal colt.
"I have an urgent message for you to deliver to the General Staff..."
> As a grin creeps onto your face, you cock an eyebrow.
"... Tell everypony there to bring their Hyperspace Hyperwars figures and prepare for a weekend of EPIC BATTLES!"
> "Yes, my Lord!"
> He immediately trots off to grab your opposition, and you point a hoof at the Pegasus.
"You, I need you to go down to the kitchen and tell them we're conducting wargames in the Royal quarters this weekend -- and we will therefore require MANY SNACKS, understand?"
> The Pegasus clicks his hind sabots together.
> "At once, Prince! Uhh..."

> There's a moment of hesitation before he leaves.
"You got a hearing problem, mister?"
> "No, sir! It's just that, uh, I've got a set of Sludgenoids, uhm, though I haven't painted most of 'em, and some of 'em are still in their sprues, and uh..."
> Ah, a familiar tale.
> You reach out a reassuring forehoof and place it on his shoulder.
"Soldier, as of this moment you are on special assignment to me. Tell the kitchens to get ready, then go grab your gear. And have the palace staff bring up some extra banquet tables!"
> "Sir, yes, sir! My Prince!"
> With an eager smile, he almost forgets he has wings when he first trots off, before taking to the air.
> Heh.
> What a dummy.
> Sludgenoids got totally nerfed in this edition.




> You are the Princess of Love, and you stand in a dark alley in Ponyville.
> Time to investigate what has become an insufferable irritation in your plot.
> It's morning, and your foe should soon be arriving at his favourite bakery and coffee shop for his morning ritual.
> You've seen it in your mind's eye dozens of times before, but being here in person will let you double-check all the details.
> Of course, you can't just trot in as you are -- Pink Princess of Equestria, and Sovereign of the Crystal Empire!
> What you need to be is an inconspicuous fly on the wall...
> And it just so happens you have the spell to do just that.
> *HMMMMMMMRRRRHHNNGGHHH**
> *KZAP*
> *Bzzzzzzzz*
> Shooting another magical wad from your horn, you miniaturize yourself down to the size of a gnat.
> Turning into a teeny bug brings back uncomfortable memories of your wedding, but this was the only way to get a first-hoof look at the rogue Anon's anti-erotic interaction with one of the fine mares you'd nudged his way.
> It was a small shop; there wasn't enough room to just stand there invisible but full-size.
> And you didn't want to take the chance of just disguising yourself as somepony ordinary, either.
> This was a delicate situation and you were determined that it should be handled *correctly*.
> *Bzzzzz*
> Buzzing your way through the streets, you watch the bustle as the town comes to life.
> Shopkeepers unlocking their doors, market stall-keepers unfolding their awnings.
> The motion of waving linens as ordinary housemares or housecolts started on the laundry, or the clattering of plates and cutlery as they started on the dishes.
> And from here and there, the sweet smell of the morning's cooking -- bread baking, eggs frying, coffee brewing.
> A particularly varied and saccharine smell leads you to Sugarcube Corner, a bakery housed in a building that looks to have come straight out of a confectioner's oven.

> You secretly buzz your way inside an open window and take up a perch in the carved scrollwork of the ceiling buttress-beams, perfectly positioned to look over the seating area and the cash register.
> *Sniff*
> It really smells good in here.
> Wasn't Celestia telling you how she made a point of coming all the way out here to have their cupcakes?
> Maybe once you've unbucked Anon you can come back and treat yourself to a little something.
> Glancing down, you spy your prodded mare tying on her apron and starting to work on the coffee-maker.
> She's pink, she's got a big curly mane, nice plot, good smile, and she's humming a pleasant tune while she diligently gets the place ready.
> Normally you wouldn't scrutinize a mare so closely; after all, love takes all forms.
> But you need to double-check that there really wasn't any problem on the other end.
> It would be no good unloading your irritation on Anon if there was some reason to completely ignore this mare.
> From where you're perched, you can't see any.
> Going over the most recent case files where you've had to intervene, you can't think of a single one where the colt wouldn't have been at least slightly interested.
> It's another nail in the coffin that you're preparing for your foe, and you frown in frustration and anticipation.
> *Ding-a-ling*
> The bell attached to the door rings its welcoming chime, and in walks your quarry.
> He's a tall, hairless primate biped.
> Somewhat obviously masculine, and maybe not attractive at first glance to your ordinary Equestrian mare.
> But *his* attractiveness was not in question here.
> You *knew* mares were sufficiently attracted to him to potentially be interested, if he made a move, and you'd already pushed two to make moves of their own.
> The green meanie saunters up to the counter.
> "'Morning Ponka."

> Having finished with the coffee-machine, Pinkie Pie turns around and bounds over to the cash register.
> "Oh! Good morning, Nonny! The usual coffee-and-a-croissant, as usual?"
> He nods.
> "Yeah. No, wait -- actually, let me have a danish instead."
> She giggles and wiggles her tail.
> "Sure thing, Nonny! Woke up with a sweet tooth this morning, didja?"
> Anonymous shrugs, smiling amiably.
> "I guess. Maybe I should've had a bigger breakfast."
> The pink earth pony wraps up the confection in wax paper and hoofs it over.
> "I just started the coffee so it'll be a couple of minutes. Want to take a seat outside and I'll bring it over when it's done?"
> Taking the treat, he hoofs -- well, hands, actually -- over some bits.
> "Sound great."
> *Cha-CHING*
> The clerk rings up the sale on the register and Anon starts for the door.
> *Ding-a-ling*
> Relocating, you take to the air again and buzz your way back out the window.
> Your foe sits down at one of the tables and drinks in the scene of the wakening town, leaving his still-steaming pastry to await its companion beverage.
> Even in this simple pastoral you catch a few ponies in the street waving hello or shooting him a glance.
> And you can *feel* the way the mares look at him -- the single ones, anyways.
> Most of them are a little curious.
> Most of the curious ones would be receptive if he had the right moves.
> A few of them wouldn't even mind if he flubbed his lines at first.
> By all indications, the residents of Ponyville found Anonymous to be a friendly, interesting, and altogether pleasant colt to be around.
> So what was the friggin' hold-up?
> *Ding-a-ling*
> "Sorry Nonny, I had to grab a tray from the oven first. Here's your coffee, two cream and two sugar!"
> "Thanks, Ponka."
> They even have pet names for each other!
> 'Ponka' and 'Nonny', but they're not at least friends-with-benefits?
> Get the buck outta here with this platonic-relationship minotaur patty.

> "You sure I can't interest Mr. Sweet Tooth in something maybe a little *creamier* this morning?"
> That's when you notice she doesn't just have his coffee -- she's also brought a sizeable cupcake topped with a generous wad of green icing.
> As Anonymous takes a sip from his cup, you and he both watch as the pink bakery-clerk holds the sweet and slowly, deliberately, licks every drop of icing off of it.
> Staring him in the eyes the whole time.
> With her tongue full of the gooey goodness, she briefly opens her mouth to prove it, and then makes a show of swallowing it wholesale.
> Then she gives a last little delicate mlem to the denuded cake-top.
> Not bad.
> 7/10 needed some accompanying sound effects and maybe an attempt at a swirl.
> She could've worked the cupcake's wrapper a bit, too.
> But even your jimmies are a bit rustled at the attempt.
> This mare has definitely sucked a sausage or two in her time, or at least spent some time going down on a practice rod.
> A tongue like that might even be good at washing carpet.
> "No thanks, Pinkie. Coffee and a single snack is good enough for me. Don't wanna feel too heavy before I start work, you know."
> And the colt just bucking ignores her!
> Mi Amore Frickin' Cadenza, a colt who was getting an 8/10 blow-job *right now* (and who could manage to keep his eyes open) would have at least been a bit interested in that little show!
> You grit your teeth as the colt completely shuts down her lusty pass in favour of finishing his snack and getting to his hooves.
> Pardon -- feet.
> "... Well, I better go clock in. See you around, Ponka!"
> It's not yet time to unleash the Wrath of Love.
> There's still more observations to be taken before you beat down this miscreant, tempo *molto bucking allegro*.