Part I:
>You gulp nervously and take a step closer towards the town square.
>Today's the day.
>The other townsponies glance your way for a brief moment before returning to their business.
>The day you move into Ponyville.
>A fruit vendor calls out to you, eager for her first sale of the morning.
>The day you officially join equestrian society.
>You stop to buy some apples and place them in your weathered saddlebags.
>The day you can finally feel...NORMAL.
>You reach the town hall where a tan mare with white hair happily greets you.
>"Hello there! Welcome to Ponyville!"
>She trots up to you and extends a hoof.
>"I'm Mayor Mare, the mayor of this happy little town!
"Hi, I'm Anonymous." You reply while shaking her hoof. "But you can call me Anon."
>Normally you'd bumble through conversations like this, but today is special.
>"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Mous!" She exclaims.
>Damnit, you told her to call you Anon!
>"I take it you're ready?" She asks after eyeing your saddlebags.
>You nod with a smile.
>"Splendid!" She clops her hooves together.
>The kind mare guides you through the maze of happy cottages and shops until you're standing in front of the old town windmill.
>"Here she is!" The mayor exclaims.
>You look the place over and physically cringe.
>The door is faded and full of cracks.
>The windmill's blades crack and groan as they struggle to rotate.
>Hell, the entire building looks like a remnant of the last pony war!
"Well, it's uh, very....rustic?" You scratch your chin.
>Words fail to adequately describe the state of this absolute trainwreck of a structure.
>"Oh, wait until you see the interior!" The mayor happily hops in place.
>Mayor Mare grabs the key hanging around her neck and unlocks the door.
>*GROOOOAAAAANNNN*
>Holy bits, it sounds like this place is ready to crumble!
>You duck for cover in a nearby bush, earning a playful chuckle from the old mare.
>"Oh my, did something spook you?" She asks.
>You frantically shake your head.
>Don't get cold hooves now, you bleedin' idiot!

Part II:
>You cautiously follow Mayor Mare into the old windmill, its old floorboards creaking with every hoofstep.
>The mayor stops and directs your attention towards a large room at the end of the entryway.
>"This is the living room, perfect for those cozy little get-togethers with friends!"
>You look around the rundown room in disbelief.
>The floorboards are warped and splintered.
>The curtains are torn and tattered. 
>The sofa is covered in dust and exposed springs.
>The windows are muddy and dark.
>Cozy for who exactly? Zombies? Ghosts?
>The cheerful mare then trots past a winding set of stairs to the adjacent room.
>"And this is the kitchen!" She declares.
>Worn appliances huddle atop a grungy countertop while an old refrigerator hums against the opposite wall.
>The stove is rusted with its door hanging open, revealing a small nest of mice among the debris.
>You'll definitely be ordering takeout for the foreseeable future.
>The more you see of this old place, the more you regret buying it.
>You force a smile to avoid hurting the old mare's feelings.
>After all, it's not like she was the one who ran this dump into the ground.
>The mayor squees with delight at your reaction and continues the tour.
>"And up here you'll find all the comforts of home."
>Your ears perk up at the sounds of soft grunts floating down from the second floor.
>Sounds like the poor mare and stairs don't get along very well.
>You quickly trot upstairs after her and find yourself in a small windowless hallway lined with three doors.
>Beyond the third door lies another, smaller set of stairs leading up to a dark room that's hard to make out.
>"Phew! That counts as my workout for the day!" The mayor says in a huff.
>You can't help but giggle at her joke.
>"Y-You're too kind, Mr. Mous..." 
>The mare blushes and nervously plays with her gray mane.
>"A-Anyhoo...this is the master bedroom!" 
>She quickly points to the faded blue door next to you.
>The door almost flies off of its broken hinges as the two of you walk into the room.
>She flips a switch on the nearby wall, flooding the room with a dim yellow light.
>Your jaw drops.

Part III:
>You see a large red bed sitting in the middle of the room.
>The windows are clean and adorned with navy blue curtains.
>Beautifully crafted wooden furniture lines the east and west walls.
>The carpeting is vibrant and soft to the touch.
>There isn't a thing out of place anywhere in the area.
>Aside from a thick layer of dust, this room is immaculate!
>You turn to the mayor and stare at her with jaw hanging open.
"How-?" You gasp.
>"How what, Mr. Anon?" She asks in confusion.
"How is this room so perfect when the downstairs looks like a-?!"
>You stop short at the sight of tears forming in the old mayor's eyes.
"Erm, w-when the downstairs areas look so dirty?" You quickly divert your train of thought.
>The mayor sighs and turns towards the window.
>"It's a long story." She confesses. "I wouldn't want to bore you with the silly details."
>Okay, now she's DEFINITELY provoking your curiosity.
"Tell me." You firmly respond.
>The mare removes her glasses to look at the outside scenery.
>"Once upon a time, a happy young couple moved into this windmill."
>You stand by her side and pretend to look out the window.
>"They were the sweetest lovers anypony had ever met, 'a match made in heaven' one might say."
>Her voice suddenly drops to a whisper of sorts, compelling you to move closer.
>"But one day something terrible happened."
>Sheesh, what's with that cryptic undertone?
"Well? What happened, Ms. Mare?"
>She takes a deep breath and steels herself.
>"One day, the stallion left without a word."
>You swear she's fighting back sniffles as she speaks.
>"The poor mare was *hic* heartbroken." She continues. 
>"As the days turned into weeks, weeks into months, she realized her husband was *sniffle* never coming back..."
>You hand the sniffling mayor a tissue.
>"Thank you, dear." She squeaks while blowing her nose.

Part IV:
>"The town knew right away that something was wrong." She continued. "M-Myself included of course."
>The afternoon sun washes over her face through the window.
>"At first the mare frantically searched every street in Ponyville, desperate to find any trace of her beloved."
>She wipes her eyes and places a hoof on the window pane.
>"But everypony she asked said they hadn't seen him." The mare bites her quivering lip. "It was as though he vanished from the world altogether."
>You feel a chill running down your spine, mainly because nopony ever mentioned that Equestria was h-haunted!
>"The mare eventually gave up her search and sold this old place back to the town."
>Why does it feel like she's still hiding something?
>"As for the mare, she was never quite the same."
>The mare slowly turns to face you and forces a smile.
>"Oh my gracious, you must be bored to death hearing such a...silly stor-"
>You wrap your hooves around the startled mare and hug her close.
>Mayor Mare's eyes widen in surprise, but soon she's returning the favor with a snuggle of her own.
>"Mmmm...." She coos.
>You feel a wet spot on your neck where her head now rests.
>It's not like you to dish up compassion to ponies you just met, but deep down you know she needs this.
>Judging by her reactions, Ms. Mare knows she needs this as well.
>After what feels like hours, the mare reluctantly breaks off the embrace and stares at you in amazement.
>"Anon, I-"
>She struggles to form the right words, unintentionally dragging the two of you into an awkward silence.
"It's okay, Mayor." You reassure her. "I think I understand now."
>The mayor's face turns beet red as she begins to realize the gravity of the situation.
>"Was it that obvious?"
>You nod.
>"Then I've said too much." She sighs.
>Your ears perk up at the sound of a clock chiming four times in a row.
>"Good heavens, is that the time?!"
>Mayor Mare looks at the clock and begins to panic.
>"I still have to review the new trade proposal!"
>You raise a hoof to try and calm her down, but the mare is already galloping downstairs.
>The mayor reaches your front door and practically rips the poor thing from its hinges.
>"EEEK! I've also forgotten about Princess Celestia's royal visit this weekend!"
>The mare is two hooves out the door before you manage to catch up to her.
"Thank you for the home tour, Ms. Mare."
>She stops in her tracks, seemingly aware of the reason she came to visit in the first place.
>"Y-You're very welcome." She replies. "If there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask."
"Of course." You calmly reply. "Oh, and Mayor?"
>"Yes, Anon?"
"If you ever want to talk, I'm here."
>The frazzled mare thanks you with a warm smile and shuts the door behind her.
>Silence falls upon the windmill, but you no longer feel alone in this world.

Part V:
>The next few weeks are a blur of unpacking, getting to know your new neighbors, and cleanup.
>Lots and lots of cleanup.
>With a little help from the townsponies, you were able to get the old mill up and running again.
>Turns out that things like flour and gravel are fast-selling commodities in this world.
>Thanks to the mayor's new trade deal, you were able to ship your goods out to all four corners of Equestria without too much trouble (or tax).
>Life is good, if not a tad lonely at times.
>There's no shortage of beautiful mares living here to woo, but your mind (and heart) continue drifting towards one particular mare.
>The sun sets on the horizon just as you finish up the last of the house cleaning. 
>Its fading radiance bathes the entire town in a cozy swirl of orange and pink hues, a romantic sight if you've ever seen one.
>It's almost as if Celestia herself is subtly telling you what needs to be done.
>You enter Town Hall with a renewed vigor, eager to see a certain mayor about some personal business.
>*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
>Your shaky green hoof taps on the door leading to Mayor Mare's office.
>Wait a minute, why are your hooves shaking?!
>Frazzled nerves were supposed to be a thing of the past!
>The seeds of doubt quickly begin to take root in your mind.
>What if you're not the mayor's type?
>What if you do something stupid?
>What if she only sees you as an acquaintance?
>What if she's already seeing somepony?
>What if she's not as nice as she seems?
>WHAT IF SHE SAYS 'NO'?
>WhAt iF-
>"Anon?"
>A soft voice snaps you out of the rabbit hole, causing you to stumble backwards in surprise.
>Mayor Mare stands in the doorway of her office with a concerned expression on her face.
>"May I...help you?" She asks.
>Ah bits, you're already off to a great start.
>You resist the urge to facehoof and clear your throat.

Part VI:
"Uh, hi there, Mayor Mare." You smile a bit too intensely. "N-Nice day today huh?"
>If you had pockets, they would be spilling over with spaghetti right about now.
>What the buck is happening?!
>"Why yes, it was a beautiful day." The mare stares at you awkwardly. "Did you need something?"
>The fear of rejection has you freezing in place.
>Come on, it's not that hard to ask a mare out.
>USE YOUR WORDS!
>The mayor locks up her office and tries to avoid staring at your dumbstruck face.
>"It's getting rather late, perhaps we can discuss what's on your mind tomorrow?"
>Mayor Mare steps out into the town square and beckons you with an impatient hoof.
>Your ears droop.
>Your heart pounds in your chest.
>Sweat begins dripping down the sides of your head.
>This golden opportunity is slipping through your hooves!
>You quickly gallop over to the mayor's side as she begins to lock up town hall for the night.
>Accursed words, why do they fail you in this crucial hour of need?!
>"Well, it's been...interesting...chatting with you Anon, but I need to head home-"
>It's now or never, make your choice.
"WAAAAAAIIIIT!"
>Your thunderous neigh almost knocks the frightened lady onto her rump.
>A wise pony always did say that confronting your fears head on is the best way to overcome them.
"M-Mayor Mare, please forgive me for shouting."
>You take a deep breath and slowly approach her.
"But I need to ask you something."
>The poor mare is still shaking like a leaf, but ultimately agrees to hear you out.
>You look her right in the eye.
"Miss Mare, would you like to have dinner with....m-me?"
>The mayor's jaw drops at the implications of your question.
>"What did you...s-say?" She asks in a trembling voice.

Part VII:
"I said: would you like to go out to dinner with me?" You ask again.
>The mayor stumbles to her hooves and stares at you as though you've grown a second head. 
>You stand there eagerly waiting for the mare's answer.
>Your burst of confidence begins to dwindle with each passing moment of silence.
>Why doesn't she say something?!
>Mayor Mare suddenly takes a few steps forward until her face is mere inches away from your own.
>"You sure know how to flatter this old mare, Anon." She giggles. "But I'm afraid I have to decline."
"Huh? W-Why not?"
>You don't even try to hide the hurt in your voice.
>The mare forces a smile, but it ultimately fails to soften the blow.
>"It's nothing personal, Anon." She sighs. "It's just that, well, I-I'm simply not ready to date again."
>Your heart sinks into the pit of your stomach.
"Oh."
>She places a hoof on your face.
>"I'm sure a handsome stallion like you could easily find a younger, prettier mare to ask out."
>She picks up her saddlebags and heads for the bridge behind you.
>"Goodnight Anon."
>Mayor Mare waves to you before disappearing over the bridge leading to her home.
>Tears stream down your face.
>She said no.
>Your legs twitch.
>SHE SAID NO.
>Your spine tingles.
>SHE SAID NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>Soon you're galloping back to the old windmill with the intent of NEVER leaving it again.

Part VIII:
>What went wrong?
>You toss and turn in bed as the morning sun warms your face.
>WHAT THE BUCK WENT WRONG?
>You want to lay in this bed for the rest of time, but the sun continues its relentless assault upon your body. 
>With a grunt of effort, you drag yourself out of bed and head for the bathroom.
>Did you come on too strong? Were you too blunt? DID YOU FORGET TO WEAR COLOGNE?
>*DING DONG*
>Oh bits, not now!
>You race downstairs to see who dares to interrupt your rejection crisis.
>"H..llo? Mr...M...us?" A muffled voice calls out in between knocks.
>You sigh and unlock the door to find a pink earth pony mare wearing a pilot hat.
>"Oh, there you are!" She grins ear to ear. "Good morning Mr. Mous!"
"Good morning, Cherry Berry." You do your best to sound pleasant. "And please, call me 'Anon'."
>The cheerful mare's smile disappears after looking you over.
>"Gosh, you don't look so good! Is everything okay?" She asks tenderly.
>You turn to the conveniently-placed mirror in the entryway and gasp.
>The vibrant green coat and black mane/tail combo you used to know are now pale and faded.
>You turn to Cherry Berry and whinny in a nervous manner.
"What's happening to me?!" You cry out.
>"You might be coming down with something." Cherry Berry quickly steps back. "Wait, are you contagious?!"
"How would I know?!" You snap back.
>Of all the days to get sick, it has to be on a delivery day?!
"Don't worry about me right now."
>You dash past her and load up the wagon with today's deliveries.
"We have a schedule to keep."
>Cherry Berry scurries over and hitches herself to the wagon.
"This load's destination is Hope Hollow."
>You scribble out a receipt and stick it to the cargo.
>Cherry Berry performs a cute little salute and begins trotting towards her hot air balloon.
"Goodbye Mr. Mous!" She waves to you. "I hope you feel better soooooon~!"
>You wave back and watch her disappear among the crowds of ponies.
>"Dangit Cherry, I told you to call me 'Anon'." You mutter with a soft chuckle.

Part IX:
>With the day's first delivery squared away, you pack a few things and head for the hospital.
>The townsponies stop to gawk at you and murmur amongst themselves as you trot through the streets.
>Geez, is your condition THAT noticeable?!
>You blush with annoyance and try to avoid eye contact until reaching the hospital entrance.
>Hopefully the medical staff can offer more compassion than your fellow villagers.
>You take one step into the lobby and all tartarus breaks loose.
>The sick and injured ponies begin to panic and stampede all over the place.
>Nurses pour in from every hallway and whisk you away to the emergency room.
>Doctors quickly form a defensive line and try to calm the crowd down before somepony gets hurt.
>You're ushered into a dimly-lit doctor's office, where a white mare waits patiently.
>"Please have a seat, sir." She softly commands. "We need to get started right away.
>She motions towards a nearby examination table.
>Without a word, you quickly shuffle onto the cold slab of steel and wait.
>"I am Nurse Redheart, the head nurse of this hospital wing."
"Hello..." You nervously reply.
>There's just something about doctors and nurses that give you the chills.
>Could be their ice cold stethoscopes.
>Could be the sharp needles they stab into your bare flesh.
>It could even be the way they're so unnaturally stoic in the face of medical emergencies.
>"Can you please describe the events leading up to your, erm, unique medical condition?"
>The nurse pulls out a notepad and prepares to record your testimony.
"Well, it all started when-" You begin.
>*POOF*
>You're immediately sent flying off the table by some kind of magic explosion.
>The nurse screams and runs for cover with her assistants.
>When the dust settles, you see a purple alicorn mare standing tall in the center of the room.
>She takes one look at you and squees with delight.
>"Yes! I KNEW I'd find you here!" She exclaimed.
>You cock your head in a mix of surprise and confusion.
"Princess T-Twilight?" You stammer. "What are you doing here?"

Part X:
>"Isn't it obvious?" She points at your faded coat.
>Oh right your fading sickness, or whatever this is.
"I appreciate your concern, but why would the royal family worry over a plain commoner like me?"
>Princess Twilight sighs and steps closer towards you.
>"What do you mean?" She narrows her eyes. "Should a princess NOT show concern for her subjects?"
>Your ears droop as the gravity of your foolish words begin to set in.
"I'm sorry Princess, that was a stupid question to ask." 
>You stare at the ground to avoid her piercing gaze.
>The last thing you need is to be banished to Tartarus or turned into stone.
>"It's okay, Anonymous." The purple horse smiles. "Let's focus on healing you."
>She poofs a book out of thin air and carefully reads through a bookmarked section.
"But Princess, what kind of sickness is this exactly?" 
>You tug at your faded coat, hopeful that the princess can find a cure in her book.
>Twilight shakes her head and steps closer towards you.
>"Anonymous, you're not suffering from any kind of medical illness."
>Nurse Redheart pokes her head out from behind the makeshift barricade.
"What do you mean, your highness?"
>Yes, what DOES Princess Twilight mean by not calling this a typical sickness?
>You and Nurse Redheart gather around Princess Twilight and anxiously wait for her response.
>"The origins of your affliction are not biological, but instead MAGICAL."
>Wait, you're sick with some kind of MAGIC? How is that even possible?!
"I-I don't understand Princess..." Your voice trails off.
>"My friends and I once traveled to a town full of ponies that were faded just like you." 
>Twilight turns the book around to show you an illustration depicting ponies with faded color schemes in a small town.
>"We searched high and low to try and find out what was causing this strange epidemic."
>You lean in closer with the eagerness of a young colt listening to his parents' wild stories.
"Did you find out?"
>The princess nods and poofs the book out of existence.
>"Hope." The princess responds. "Or rather, the lack of it."
>Your eyes widen in surprise.
"Hopelessness, your majesty?"
>"That is correct, dear Anonymous."

Part XI:
>"The official term is 'Hopeless Magic'." She continues.
>Your thoughts immediately drift back to the events that unfolded last night.
>Asking Mayor Mare out to dinner was indeed supposed to instill hope in your heart.
>Unfortunately, that hope was quickly killed and buried when she said no.
>It's all coming together, and you don't like the implications.
>"Do you understand now, my dear subject?" The princess asks in a soft voice.
>You nod.
>"Good." 
>Princess Twilight places a hoof on your shoulder.
>"Hopeless magic is a terrible thing, Anonymous."
>Tears begin running down the purple mare's cheeks.
>"NOPONY should ever have to experience it."
>Damn, this IS serious if it's making a princess cry!
>"Oh dear, would you look at the time?"
>Nurse Redheart giggles nervously and glances at her bare wrist.
>"I have to get back to my rounds! Please excuse me, your highness!"
>The frazzled nurse bows to the princess makes a quick exit along with her assistants.
>"Farewell Princess Twilight! Anonymous!"
>Her voice trails off as the door closes, leaving you and the princess in a deafening silence.
"Give it to me straight Princess, what's the cure for this hopeless magic stuff?" You ask bluntly.
>"Anonymous-"
"Please, call me Anon." You interrupt. "Everypony else does."
>"Very well, Anon."
>Twilight clears her throat and steps back.
>"Anon, there is no magical cure for your condition."
>You utter a whinny of distress and begin to panic.
>There's no hope for you now, it's all over but the funeral!
>"Wait Anon, please calm down!" The princess cries.
>You ignore her and begin to gallop around the room as though you've lost your mind.
>What's the point of living now?!
>You can practically FEEL what little hope remains actively draining from your soul.

Part XII:
>Furniture and medical equipment fly in every direction as you continue your distressed rampage.
>Your life is over.
>"Anon..."
>No self-respecting mare will ever want you now.
>"ANON!"
>You didn't even get to see Saddle Arabia-
>"NEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIGHNOOOON!"
>Your body freezes in place after a hoof stomp sends powerful purple shockwaves through the room.
>The princess' powerful alicorn magic sends you flying through the air until you're once again standing before her.
>"Anon PLEASE, calm down..."
>You try to focus somewhere else, but the magic forces you to look directly at her.
>The mare's eyes are ablaze with a mix of concern and irritation.
>Oh bits.
>"I want to help you, Anon." She sits on her hindquarters. "But I need to know one thing first."
>Her magic dissipates, dropping you on your own butt.
>"Why did you lose hope?"
>Now it's YOUR turn to cry.
>She leans in expectantly, seemingly eager to hear what ails you.
>You take a deep breath and gather your thoughts.
>If a literal princess wants to know what's wrong, then you're going to tell her exactly what's wrong.
"I asked a mare out yesterday, and she rejected me."
>Twilight blinks in disbelief, much to your dismay.
>"That's it?" The princess chuckles. "And here I thought it was something serious!"
>Princess Twilight gasps as your colors fade again, leaving you almost completely monochrome.
>You should've known she wouldn't understand.
>The royal family must be DROWNING in suitors on any given day.
>For peasants such as yourself however, finding a good mate just isn't that easy.

Part XIII:
>"Finding a marefriend is really that important to you?"
"Yes."
>You look her square in the eye and snort.
"It's every stallion's goal to find a nice mare and settle down, y'know?"
>Princess Twilight is taken aback by your heartfelt response.
"To love and cherish her every single day, to give her as many foals as she wants..."
>Your train of thought crashes as HEARTS begin to form in the flustered princess' eyes.
>Twilight bites her lip and turns around, presenting her bare purple rump in all its regal glory.
>"P-Perhaps I can help you with that, just for today?"
>It doesn't take long for you to become painfully erect after seeing such a shameless display of marebits.
>Your primal instincts kick into overdrive, tempting you to rut this (admittedly beautiful) mare.
>What sane stallion WOULDN'T mate with a princess if given the chance?
>Your heart however, says the exact opposite.
>You shake your head and step away from Princess Twilight.
"I appreciate the offer, Princess." You reply. "But I want a future wife, not a one night stand."
>"Oh, I...see..."
>Twilight turns to face you and immediately loses herself in thought.
>Oh no, what other harebrained schemes is she concocting in that royal head of hers?
>You gulp nervously and turn towards the exit.
>"A-Anon, wait!"
>The panicked princess practically throws herself at you before reaching the door.
>"I-I can still help...some...how..."
>The alicorn's tear-filled eyes betray her words.
>You sigh with disappointment and face the desperate mare.
>"A princess is supposed to help her subjects..."
>Princess Twilight utters a defeated whinny and buries her face in her hooves.
>Damn, she's taking this harder than you.

Part XIV:
>On the one hoof, you want to just leave and wallow in misery alone.
>On the other hoof, you can't stand to see a mare in distress.
>After a little mental back and forth, you come to a decision.
>You walk over and place a hoof on her trembling shoulder.
>"Huh?!" Twilight snaps out of her distress. "A-Anon, I-"
>You gently shush her with a hoof to the mouth and smile.
"Wanna grab a hayburger? I think some food will clear our heads."
>Twilight sits there in stunned silence, unsure of how to answer you.
>*GRUMBLE*
>Twilight blushes at the sound of her rumbling belly.
>"That sounds like a great idea." She smiles bashfully.
>You help the hungry princess to her hooves and together, the two of you head for the Ponyville Café.
>The sun is shining brightly as you take your seats in the outdoor section.
>Twilight squees with delight while looking over the menu.
>"Hayburgers, salads, milkshakes, fries, onion rings...this place is heaven!" She happily exclaims.
>You can't help but utter a chuckle at the princess' adorkable display of enthusiasm.
>The waiter approaches and begins his usual greeting, but cuts himself short when spotting Princess Twilight.
>"O-Oh my, Princess Twilight?!" 
>The stallion almost trips over his own hooves trying to bow in front of your lunch companion.
>"To what do we owe the pleasure of your royal presence at our humble restaurant?!"
>"It's nothing official, just an empty stomach and some good company." Twilight grins.
>"Ohoho! Treating your date to some local Ponyville delicacies are we, your highness?" The waiter teases while glancing over at you. 
>Now it's YOUR turn to blush uncontrollably.

Part XV:
>The waiter takes one look at you and immediately drops the comedy act.
>"Are you feeling alright, sir? You look rather...faded."
"It's a long story." You confess. "But some good food should help me recover."
>The waiter nods and pulls out a notepad.
>"Very well." The stallion turns to face Twilight. "What would you like, your highness?"
>"I'll have three triple hayburgers, two sides of horseshoe rings, and a chocolate milkshake!"
>Your eyes widen at the ridiculous size of her order.
>Dayum, this mare must be STARVING!
>"All excellent choices, your highness!" 
>The waiter scribbles her order down on the notepad.
>"And for you, sir?"
>You skim over the menu, but it's hard to focus after everything that's happened.
>Something in the back of your mind continues to assert itself over all else.
>Is it a warning? A future vision perhaps? Or are you just losing your damn mind?
"Uh, I'll have a regular hayburger and some iced tea."
>To be brutally honest, you aren't all that hungry.
>Feeling like a hollow shell tends to have that kind of effect.
>"Very good! Your food will be ready momentarily."
>The waiter puts away his notepad and heads towards the kitchen. 
>"So, Anon..." Twilight focuses her attention on you. "How is life in Ponyville treating you?"
>You simply grunt and point at your faded coat with frustration.
>"Oh, right. Well then, h-how's your mill business?" 
>Twilight nervously plays with her mane and tries to change the subject.
"You know about my mill business?" You tilt your head.
>The princess smiles awkwardly and nods.
>"Of course! I do place orders from time to time." She explains. "Your flour is very high quality, perfect for cooking and baking!"
>Why are you not surprised?

Part XVI:
>"Alright, Anon..." Twilight clears her throat. "How can I help you?" 
>You raise an eyebrow.
>"R-Regain hope I mean!" She stammers.
>"The direct approach certainly didn't work." 
>Twilight blushes with a wing over her face.
>You sigh and take a sip of your tea.
"Princess..."
>"Please, call me Twilight." The mare smiles. "Everypony else does."
>You can't help but chuckle as the princess uses your own quip against you.
"As you wish, Twilight." 
>You smile and playfully bow in your seat, earning a cute chuckle from her in return.
"As I was saying, it's not like I think you're ugly or anything."
>"But-?" The Princess leans forward.
"But we'd have to take things slow." You say firmly.
>The quirky mare sits in silence, waiting for you to continue.
"We'd have to get to know each other, go on some dates, meet each others' friends..."
>You tap your hooves on the table to try and shake off the awkwardness of your one-sided conversation.
"...and hey, if we're compatible, then we could get married, have some foals and-"
>You stop short at the sight of Twilight panting like a dog in the summer heat.
>Oh dear Celestia, you got her all worked up again.
>The purple princess fidgets uncomfortably in her seat.
"Twilight, are you in estrus or something?"
>The other outdoor diners stop their conversations and stare at you.
>You quickly stuff your hooves into your mouth.
>What the hell were you thinking, saying something like that in front of the princess?!

Part XVII:
>The princess' face turns beet red as she struggles to explain herself.
>"Well, I..uh, you see, the thing is-"
>Truth be told, seeing her get all flustered like this is really cute.
>"My sincerest apologies for the wait, your highness!"
>The waiter shows up out of nowhere and quickly serves the food to your table.
>"Bon appetit!"
>The stallion blows a chef's kiss and quickly gallops back inside the restaurant.
>"It all looks so delicious!"
>Twilight happily clops her hooves together and dives face first into the small mountain of food on her plate.
>*MUNCH*
>You can't help but feel that she's dodging your question.
>"Mmmmmmm~!"
>Twilight's cheeks puff out with every bite she takes.
>You slowly take a bite from your own hayburger and continue to watch the food carnage unfold.
>Seeing a princess pig out like this is as cute as it is unsettling.
>'Does Twilight always eat like this?' You wonder.
>"Ishn't dish fewd da tashtiesht you'be ebah had?!" She squeals through a mouthful of horseshoe rings.
>You slowly nod after taking another bite.
>The food is top notch, as expected from a humble town like Ponyville.
>You take a drink of ice tea and almost spit it out.
>Twilight already cleaned her plate?!
>She sighs with satisfaction and reclines back to rub her now swollen belly.
>"Ponyville's rustic cuisine never fails to brighten my day!"
>She sits upright and gives you the dorkiest smile you've ever seen.

Part XVIII:
>You notice some sauce and bits of bun stuck to her cheeks.
"Twilight, you have a little something on your-"
>The mare touches her own cheek and gasps.
>"Oh how sloppy of me!"
Twilight scrambles to grab a napkin and begins grinding it all over her face.
>"Is it gone?" She asks nervously.
>You try to contain your laughter and nod, much to Twilight's confusion.
>"Heeeey, what's so funny?" She frowns.
>It's amazing how oblivious Twilight is to her own quirky charms.
>Behind that regal exterior beats the heart of a humble mare.
>A mare that may very well be worth getting to know.
"Oh nothing..." You lie.
>The flustered princess snorts with annoyance and sips her milkshake.
>"You really are hopeless." She sighs.
>Ouch.
>You immediately fall silent and stare at the remains of your ice tea.
>Twilight realizes what she just said and tries to shift the conversation.
>"I'm really sorry for that poor choice of words, Anon." She looks you in the eye. "Now how can we help you out of this funk you're in?"
>You pause to ponder the purple pony's proposal.
"Finding a special somepony would be a great start."
>"That's it!" She exclaims.
>Twilight's face lights up as she begins doing a little happy dance on top of the table.
>You physically recoil at the mare's unusually sporadic behavior.
"What's it?" You squint at her.
>"The Hearts and Hooves Day festival!" She trots up to you and grins. "It's this weekend!"
>You almost fall out of your seat.
"Hearts and Hooves Day?" Your ears droop. "The heck is that?"
>"It's the answer to your problem, my dear Anon!"

Part XVIX:
>She eagerly grabs you with her magic and the restaurant disappears in a poof of purple magic.
>You find yourself standing in a massive library, complete with gilded staircases and fancy chandeliers.
"Where...ARE we?"
>You look around the library and stare in awe at the thousands of books covering every single wall.
>"Welcome to my humble library!" She proudly announces.
>Huh? There's nothing humble about this gaudy place!
"So, why are we here exactly?"
>Twilight begins flying too and fro, seemingly hunting for something specific.
>"Why, we're here to prepare you for the Hearts and Hooves Festival of course!" She shouts from above.
>How will scrolls and books help you with such a thing?
>She soon grabs a book from one of the highest shelves and descends with it cradled in her hooves.
>*WHOMP*
"AIIIIEEEEEE!"
>Her rough landing sends you flying into a pile of books on the floor.
>"Oops, sorry about that." She bashfully flutters her wings. "I'm still getting used to the whole 'pegasus' thing."
>You clutch at your head and stumble out of the book pile.
"So am I." You shoot back.
>It's still hard to believe that just a few moons ago, Twilight was a humble unicorn working on 'friendship' research.
>Now she's the Princess of Friendship itself.
>Imagine DATING such a cute princess...
>"Uh, Anon? Are you alright?"
>You snap out of your thoughts and spin around to face Twilight.
"Yeah, I-I'm fine." You insist.
>"Really?" She raises an eyebrow. "Because it looked like you were swooning just now."
>NANI?!
>You? Swooning?
>Her eyes must be in backwards or something!
>A strong stallion like you would never do such an embarrassing thing.
>Wait, why does your face feel hot?

Part XX:
>"Anyhooo..." 
>She opens the book and flips through the pages.
>"This book on pony courtship will no doubt help you find the mare of your dreams....hopefully..."
>Your ears twitch when she practically whispers that last word.
>'Hopefully' indeed.
>Perhaps Twilight isn't being as sincere as she led you to believe...
>...
>Hearts and Hooves Day is finally here.
>Ponies are happily trotting all over town, preparing for the main festival.
>Large pink and red streamers hang from the cottages.
>Heart decorations are EVERYWHERE.
>Delicious Hearts and Hooves Day themed food and drinks line the numerous vendor carts scattered around the town square.
>Pony couples affectionately nuzzle and kiss one another all over town.
>You however, are knocking back pints alone at Applejack's cider wagon.
>Twilight said she'd meet you here at the festival, but never showed up.
>Did she stand you up?
>You take another swig of cider to lessen the sting of loneliness.
>"Beg yer pardon, sugarcube..."
>You turn to see an orange earth pony pointing at a pile of empty mugs on the counter.
>"But ah think ya've had enough fer one day."
>You calmly set your mug down, face the nosey mare, and take a deep breath.
"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
>Your shouting knocks the applehorse right on her rump.
>An awkward silence hangs in the air as you take another sip of cider, and this time you make sure to look her in the eye while doing so.
>"Oh would'ja lookit that? Ah'm outta cider!" She smiles nervously. "Better head back to the farm an *heh* get sum moar..."
>Applejack quickly scrambles to her hooves and gallops out of sight.
>Damn applefolk, thinking they can tell you what you can and can't have.
>You're not even sure why you choose to remain at the festival.
>It's not like there's a special somepony waiting for you or anything.
>Another mug empty.
>You toss it into the pile and recline in your stool.
>Dear Celestia above, you wish something would end your misery.

Part XXI:
>"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
>Your right ear perks up at the sound of a gentle voice approaching from the east.
>There before you stands a gray pegasus mare with a yellow mane and tail.
>Her legs are adorned with long black stockings and there's a red rose tucked on top of her left ear.
>Two big yellow crossed eyes betray the friendly smile adorning her face.
>Upon her neck you see a plain black choker, rather kinky if you're being perfectly honest.
>Derp syndrome aside, she's looking mighty beautiful at first glance!
>You stare at the blonde bombshell in disbelief, but ultimately wave her over to the vacant bar stool.
>Misery loves company after all.
>"Oh, thank you mister!"
>The cute mare clops her hooves together and eagerly flies towards you.
>*CLANK*
>She lands on top of a table.
>"Oof!"
>You stifle a chuckle.
>The flustered mare puffs her cheeks out and flaps her wings.
>She takes off and then quickly lands inside one of Applejack's empty cider kegs.
>"H-Huh?!" She cries out in surprise.
>With a grunt of effort she takes flight once more, only to crash into the wagon facefirst.
>*THUNK*
>"Owie!"
>She rubs her head and sighs in defeat upon the ground.
>"I just don't know *sniffle* what went wrong."
>Oh hell no, you are NOT about to let this poor mare cry!
>You leap down from your bar stool and offer her a hoof, earning a gasp from the distressed pony.
"Need some help?" You ask.
>She nods and clings to your hoof for dear life.
>One solid tug and the grateful mare is back on her legs.
>"T-Thank you, mister." She blushes and averts her eye.
"No problem, Miss...?"
>The mare perks up and flutters her wings in the most adorable way imaginable.
>"My name's Derpy!" She happily exclaims. "What's yours?"
"Anon." You smile.

Part XXII:
>The two of you make some small talk to pass the time.
>One minute you're telling Derpy about the joy (and misery) of owning a mill business.
>The next minute, she's gushing over the perks of working at the post office.
>She gets to travel a lot and meet all kinds of ponies wherever the deliveries take her.
>This bubbly mare is nothing if not passionate about the life of a mailmare.
>Speaking of travel, sometimes you wonder if moving to another town could alleviate this soul-crushing loneliness...
>"Are you waiting for your special somepony?"
>The smiling mare's innocent question makes your ears droop.
"Yeah, you could say that."
>You turn away from her and focus your sights on a group of ponies passionately dancing in the town square.
"But...she never showed up."
>Derpy gasps and firmly grabs one of your hooves.
>"I'm so sorry, Anon!"
>You're caught off-guard by the panicked pegasus' outburst.
>"N-Nopony should have to *hic* spend Hearts and Hooves Day alone."
>Where the hell did all this mushy stuff come from?
>Just when you think you have this mare all figured out, she throws you a curve ball.
"What about you?" You ask her. "Is there a Mr. Derpy waiting for you out there?"
>You point towards a massive crowd of ponies gathering near the food wagons.
>"I...I don't have a special somepony." She confesses.
>So much for thinking you were the only single (and miserable) pony in all of Ponyville.
>Hold the gramophone, something's not right.
"Wait a minute, if you're single and sad, then why don't you look like this?"
>You tug at your faded coat.
>She looks you over and shrugs.
>"Part of me keeps hoping, DREAMING, of the day I meet that special stallion who will sweep me off my hooves."
>She blushes and clasps her hooves over her cheeks.
>Celestiadamn this mare is too cute for her own good.
"Well, we're never going to be happy sitting here all day."
>You extend a hoof towards Derpy, eager to put a smile on that aderpable face of hers.
"What do you say we be alone, together?"

Part XXIII:
>"Gee Anon, no stallion has ever asked me out before." 
>Derpy fiddles with her mane and partially stares at the ground.
>It's almost scary how much you two have in common!
"Really?" You raise an eyebrow.
>She nods and wipes the tears from her eyes.
"Welp, that's their loss." You grin.
>You gently hold Derpy's hoof and begin walking her towards the heart of the festival.
"Let's have some fun."
>The flustered mare can't help but smile as you present her with a heart-shaped muffin from Mr. and Mrs. Cake's goodie cart.
>"How did you know I liked muffins?" She asks teasingly.
"I thought everypony did." You shrug.
>She nibbles on the muffin like it's the most important thing in the world.
>Note to self: learn how to bake muffins.
>"Thank you, Anon."
>You chuckle and wipe the crumbs from her snout.
"Don't thank me yet, Derpy." You point towards the mini carnival. "The night is still young."
>Your eyes widen when the sun literally starts setting on the horizon.
>Geez Celestia, it was just a figure of speech.
>Derpy gently nudges your shoulder, snapping you out of your weird funk.
>"Are you okay, Anon?" 
>Her beautiful eyes are alight with concern. 
>"We don't have to keep going if you're feeling sick."
>You quickly shake your head and trot in place.
"Oh I'm fine, never been better!" You quickly reassure her.
>You gallop over to a nearby carnival game booth and pay the vendor for a round.
>Derpy takes flight and lands beside you after colliding with an inconveniently-placed balloon cart.
>You chuckle and point at the tangle of balloon strings wrapped around her tail.
>She pouts and frantically untwists the balloons, freeing them into the twilight skies hanging overhead.
>"You gonna pay for those, lady?"
>A chubby red unicorn trots up to your date and holds out his hoof.
>"Oops, my bad." 
>She pulls out her wallet, but finds it completely empty.
>"Sorry mister balloon stallion, but I don't have any money."

Part XXIV:
>"Then you're going to work for me until they're paid off, googly eyes." The fat unicorn snarls.
>Derpy whimpers and hangs her head in shame.
"There's no need to be rude, dude."
>Without a second thought, you pull out a small bag of bits and present it to the obnoxious unicorn.
"Will this cover it?"
>The red slob begins salivating at the sight of your money.
>"It just might."
>You watch the greedy pony open the bag with his magic and thoroughly inspect every single coin.
>"You're lucky, googly eyes." 
>The unicorn tucks the bag of coins under his hat.
>"Don't expect all your debts to be paid so easily in the future."
>The red unicorn laughs giddily and trots off to one of the food carts.
>You take a step forward and prepare to chase down the fat bastard that insulted your date.
>Just then, a gray hoof gently pulls on your shoulder.
>"Please Anon, he's not worth it."
>You spin around and look right into Derpy's eyes.
>A strange sense of calm washes over you, and the hot-blooded desire for vengeance slowly fizzles out altogether.
"That guy was a real prick." You snort.
>Derpy nods with another of her trademark sheepish smiles.
"Do ponies always pick on you like that?"
>More tears drip from her beautiful eyes.
>Oh bits, you just re-opened an old wound.
>It's fairly obvious that Derpy got the short end of the 'gene pool' stick. 
>But for ponies to go out of their way and harass Derpy for something that isn't even her fault?
>That's just downright DESPICABLE, especially considering she didn't become an axe murderer or anything like that.
>Derpy's functional enough to hold down a job AND she's got a humble personality to boot.
"Forget I asked."
>You quickly pick up a skee-ball from the machine and hand it to Derpy.
"Ladies first." You smile.
>She blushes ever so slightly and aims her skee-ball towards the goals.
>Derpy takes a deep breath, flicks her wrist, and tosses it up the wooden ramp.
>"Nyagh!"
>You watch in shock as the ball flies upward in a straight line and lands in the small center goal.

Part XXV:
>The machine lights up and plays a cute little victory tune.
>Derpy cries out in surprise backs away from the skee-ball display.
>"Uh oh, did I break it?" She asks nervously.
>You chuckle and shake your head.
>"We have a winner!"
>The vendor grabs a stuffed bear from the prize rack and hands it to Derpy.
>"Oh wow..." She cuddles the toy close. "It's so fuzzy!"
>You walk over to the mare and gently pat her on the back.
"Congrats Derpy, you earned it."
>She smiles and pulls you in for a big hug with her free hoof.
"W-Woah! Hey! What's this for?!" You cry out.
>Derpy wraps her free wing around you, making escape all but impossible.
>"Thank you."
>Ah to be hugged by a mare, how you've longed for such an earthly delight.
>You eagerly hug her back, earning a coo of appreciation from the adorable pegasus.
>Wait, did she just thank you?
"What are you thanking me for?"
>You pull back and stare at her in confusion.
>"This is the first time I've ever won at, well, ANYTHING!" She admits.
>Wow, Derpy is trying really hard to take the title of "Ponyville's Biggest Loser" away from you.
>"I have a feeling that this wouldn't have happened without you."
>She smiles warmly and holds the teddy bear close to her chest.
>Your face feels hotter than the sun as you struggle to come up with some kind of response.
>The gray mare giggles at your buffoonery and leans in until her face is inches away from your own.
>"You know Anon, you're kinda cute when you blush."
>There's no way in Tartarus your face ISN'T red right now.

Part XXVI:
>The evening moves along at a brisk pace, but you're having too much fun to notice.
>Derpy appears to be having the time of her life.
>Carnival games, dancing, eating dinner, posing for silly caricatures, it doesn't matter the activity.
>That beautiful derped smile of hers never disappears, not even for a moment.
>Truth be told, you're having a great time as well.
>That in itself is a bit strange, because Hearts and Hooves is the LAST thing you expected to bring ANY kind of happiness.
>You look around the festival and see a lot of ponies resting at the nearby tables.
>It must be getting late.
>Damn, just when you were beginning to have some real fun.
>You turn to Derpy, who's busy stuffing her face with a rice cereal treat shaped like a pink heart.
>She notices you staring and quickly gulps down her food.
>"Oh hey Anon!" She waves to you like a goofball supreme. "Is something on *MUNCH* your mind?"
>Derpy's cheeks once again poof out with food.
>You shake your head and try to match her smile.
"Everything's fine, Derpy."
>"That's good to hear." She replies between mouthfuls. "Did you have lots of fun too?"
>You have no idea how right you are, silly mare.
"Oh yeah." You grin ear to ear.
>"Fillies and gentlecolts, may I have your attention please!"
>Your right ear twitches at the sound of a VERY familiar voice booming over the loudspeakers.
>"As Mayor of Ponyville, I hereby decree that the Hearts and Hooves Day festival is now officially concluded!"
>Janitor ponies arrive on the scene with empty carts and begin taking down the colorful decorations.
>"I sincerely hope you all found fun, food, laughs, and most importantly, love~!"
>You immediately look away from Derpy after seeing her flushed cheeks.
>C'mon Derpy, you can't be silly enough to fall in love after one measly day!
>"I can't wait to see you all again at next year's Hearts and Hooves Day festival! Good night!"
>The festivalgoers happily begin packing up and make their way home.
>"Awww, is the festival over already?"
>Derpy's ears droop with disappointment.
"Looks like it."
>You snag another muffin from the confection cart before the Cakes close up shop.
>She squees and bites into the muffin as the two of you leave the festival behind.

Part XXVII:
>"This was the best Hearts and Hooves Day ever!"
>Derpy happily skips alongside you with the teddy bear tucked under her wing.
"I'm glad you had fun, Derpy."
>The two of you leave the festival behind and head towards the town square.
>The moon casts a soft glow over the riverbank, almost as if it were some kind of sign...
>Derpy stares into the river and tilts her head in deep thought.
>You join her at the water's edge, curious to know what's on the mare's mind.
"What's up Derpy?"
>"Oh it's nothing really..." She trails off while playing with her hair.
>Yep, something's definitely up.
>You gently nuzzle her with your snout.
"C'mon Derpy, I can tell something's bothering you."
>Despite your best efforts, the mare remains lost in whatever thoughts are bouncing around in that head of hers.
>The two of you sit there for a while, each hoping the other would break the awkward silence.
>Derpy finally snaps out of it and opens her mouth to speak.
>"The moon looks so...beautiful...tonight." 
>She sighs and looks at the full moon hovering overhead.
>That wasn't quite the answer you were expecting, but it does give you an opportunity to be super cheesy. 
"Not as beautiful as you." You tease.
>You absentmindedly nuzzle Derpy again, a bit longer than last time.
>She's warm to the touch and her coat is so soft.
>And her scent, oh Celestia her bubbly scent!
>This is something you could get used to...
>"Mmmmh~!" She coos.
>Wait a minute, what the BUCK are you doing?!
>You quickly pull away and try to hide your blushing face.
>"Wha-?!"
>Derpy cries out from the sudden loss of affection and frantically leans towards you.
>"Why did you stop, Anon?!"
>The pain in her eyes sends a (metaphorical) knife plunging into your heart.
>"I thought-"

Part XXVIII:
>You place a hoof on the worried mare's face and smile.
>Derpy utters a confused whinny, but holds her hoof against your own.
"I really do like you Derpy, but don't you think we're rushing things just a smidge?"
>She shakes her head and pins you to the ground with a surprising amount of force, for a Pegasus at least.
>"No Anon, not at all!"
>You stare at her as though she grew a second head.
>"Couples are supposed to do lovey-dovey things together!" She insists.
>The flustered pegasus snuggles into you and happily sighs, desperately clinging to the affections you bestowed upon her mere moments ago.
>You try to break free, but her big bubble butt holds you in place like some kind of squishy boulder.
>Having a mare lay on top of you like this is seriously making you reconsider the whole "rushing things" schtick.
>You wrap your hooves around Derpy and lock lips with her.
>The amorous goofball moans into your lips and eagerly kisses you back.
>If Derpy doesn't stop soon, you're going to end up rutting her right here and now.
>Considering the circumstances, she might not be entirely opposed to that idea...
>*POOF*
>"There you are, Anon!"
>Twilight emerges from a burst of magic and waves to you.
>"Sorry I'm late, but there was some last minute royal business to-"
>Twilight's smile disappears as her eyes fall on Derpy, who is still firmly snuggling against you.
>"Oh, hi Princess!"
>Derpy waves to the stunned alicorn and lazily rises to her hooves.
>You quickly stand up and bow to the princess alongside your bubbly companion, but Twilight's shock does not wane.
"Twilight?" You exclaim. "What are you doing here?"
>The purple pony haphazardly trots over to you and Derpy.
>"I'm here to be your date for Hearts and Hooves Day of course!" She exclaims.
>The uneasiness in Twilight's voice betrays her courageous words.
"But Twilight, Derpy is my date for Hearts and Hooves Day."
>You hug Derpy close and happily nuzzle her cheek.
"On top of that, the festival is over now."
>You point towards the group of janitor ponies diligently disassembling the festival booths.
>"Oh no, I AM too late!"
>Twilight falls on her rump and utters a sorrowful neigh.

Part XVIX:
>You slowly approach the alicorn and sit next to her in the dirt.
"I remember arriving at the Hearts and Hooves festival with a newfound hope."
>You place a hoof on Twilight's shoulder in an attempt to calm her.
"I was pretty hyped to have a literal PRINCESS as my date."
>She looks up at you and tries to stifle her sniffles.
"Minutes slowly turned into hours, and my excitement gradually reverted back into despair."
>You take a deep breath and try to organize your thoughts.
"Being stood up is a heart-wrenching experience, even more so when done by a pony of royal status."
>"Anon, I-"
>You silence Twilight's weak protests with a hoof over her lips.
"I tried to salvage the evening with a few drinks, and then head home to wallow in more misery."
>Twilight is shifting uncomfortably on the ground, no doubt desperate to apologize and explain herself.
"Then this wonderful mare swooped in from nowhere and turned my night upside down."
>You motion towards Derpy, who is now playfully nibbling the nearby blades of grass.
"In a roundabout way, you kept your promise."
>"W-What do you mean, Anon?" Twilight cocks her head to the side.
"You helped me find a special somepony."
>Derpy flutters over to join the conversation, but somehow ends up doing a barrel roll right into you.
>*THUMP*
>"Oops, sorry Anon." She blushes.
"Don't be." You reassure her. 
>You nuzzle into the silly pony and chuckle.
"I'm starting to like our cuddle sessions."
>Twilight suddenly interrupts your romantic moment with a nervous chuckle of her own.
>"Yes, well, I-I'm glad to see everything *sniffle* worked...out..."
>Twilight wipes her eyes and begins to float in the air.
>"I believe I have a few more *hic* royal matters to attend to."
>You and Derpy are blinded by a bright flash of light as Twilight disappears into the night. 
>Her muffled cries fade with the last traces of sparkly magic.
>You have a feeling this isn't going to end well.

Part XX:
>"Bye Princess!"
>Derpy waves at the fading magic dust and smiles.
>This mare is just too precious!
"It's getting late, Derpy."
>You stretch out and yawn, ready to hit the hay before you fall asleep right here and now.
"You're probably tired too right?"
>After a small pause, you turn towards the east bridge that leads home.
>"Wait!"
>You stop dead in your tracks.
"Yes, Derpy?" You ask teasingly.
>"Would you like to, um..." She twiddles her hooves. "C-Come hang out at my house?"
>One the one hoof, she's DEFINITELY rushing things now.
>On the other hoof, it somehow feels WRONG to turn down her invitation.
"I'd love to." You blurt out.
>Derpy's ears flicker as she lets loose another one of those adorable "Squee!" noises you've come to love.
>"Oh thank you Anon!"
>The mare grabs your hoof and flies off towards her house before you can even blink.
>...
>Her cottage lies westbound on the outskirts of town.
>The little house doesn't look like much from the outside, but it does have a beautiful backyard view of the lower valleys.
>At least, you THINK it does. 
>It's kinda hard to tell in the dark.
>"I-It's not much..." She fiddles with the keys. "But it's home."
>The front door swings open, revealing a cold dark living room.
>*SLAM*
>Derpy shuts the door behind you and locks it tight.
"Uh Derpy, why did you lock the door so fast?"
>Your gut is beginning to say "we're in trouble dude".
>Derpy ignores your question and dives in front of the darkened fire place.
>Soon the room is illuminated with a warm yellow glow.
>You see a small couch positioned in front of the fireplace, surrounded by all manner of books, toys and other various knick-knacks.
>The excited mare beckons you to sit on the couch. 
>"This is going to be so much fun!" Derpy says with a playful giggle.

Part XXI:
>You reluctantly sit on the couch next to Derpy, who immediately snuggles into your side.
>"Thank you, Anon."
>The mare nervously shuffles in place but refuses to leave you.
>"Nopony ever wanted to hang out with me before."
>She scrunches her snout and sighs with disappointment.
"I....c-can't imagine why..." You gulp nervously.
>Hopefully she doesn't notice the small beads of sweat forming upon your brow. 
>Many wild scenarios run through your mind, many of which might very well happen if you stick around too long.
>"Wanna play a game?" The mare whispers into your ear.
"Uh, sure?"
>Derpy happily clops her hooves together and dives into the pile of junk next to her couch.
>You immediately begin dodging and weaving through the wave of junk flying across the room.
>Looks like housekeeping isn't this mare's strong suit.
>"Ah, here it is!"
>Derpy stumbles onto the couch holding...a box covered in question marks?
>"Can you guess what's inside?" She asks cheerfully.
>Well, you can't honestly say you were expecting to play guessing games at a strange mare's house on Hearts and Hooves Day.
>Might as well humor her and play along, lest she become sad again.
>"Um, it is a muffin?"
>She yanks the lid off and retrieves, you guessed it, a blueberry muffin.
>"You win, Anon!" Derpy leans closer. "And here's your prize~!"
"Prize? What do you-MMPH?!"
>She pushes the muffin into your snout.
>"I made it myself." 
>You sniff at the fluffy confection and hesitantly take a small bite.
>"H-How is it?" She asks expectantly.

Part XXII:
"Derpy, this is *munch* DELICIOUS!"
>"Really?" 
>The mare's beautiful yellow eyes sparkle in the flickering light.
"Yeah, it's even better than the ones we had at the festival!"
>You're taking bigger bites now, eager to taste more of Derpy's delicious baking.
>It's so fluffy, so chewy, so full of blueberry flavor.
>Derpy could easily open her own damn bakery with skills like these!
>"Hey Anon, there's something on your face."
"Huh?"
>Derpy leans in and licks your cheek without warning.
>Your entire body shudders from the unexpected intimacy.
>Her tongue slowly crawls along your face, savoring every last piece of flesh it touches.
>Is it wrong that you DON'T want this to stop?
>Then she reaches your lips.
>Your whinnies of surprise mix with Derpy's soft moans as her tongue slowly tangles with your own.
>She's quite the sloppy kisser, but that just makes her awkward foreplay all the more adorable.
>Derpy suddenly pulls away and blushes hard enough to turn her entire face red.
>"I'm not very good at this, am I?"
>Her sorrowful eyes meet yours in a shared awkward silence.
>"I-I've never had a coltfriend before, so these kinds of things are new to me."
>You chuckle and shake your head before pulling Derpy closer.
"Didn't anypony tell you?"
>"Tell me what, Anon?"
"Pure mares are the BEST KIND."
>You reach down and playfully nibble on her neck, cutting off any objections your frazzled companion might've had.
>There's no turning back now.
>You are going to rut this mare's brains out.

Part XXIII:
>Derpy senses your intentions as well, and bends over the arm of her couch to give you proper access to-
>"Daddyyyyyy, don't make it gross!"
>Your concentration is shattered by a small voice near the fireplace.
>Suddenly four foals are sitting on the rug, staring at you with varying degrees of disgust.
>Wait a minute, this isn't Derpy's house...
>Your eldest daughter, a gray pegasus sporting black hair, pouts at you with her forelegs folded.
>Oh right, it's your turn to watch the foals today.
"Whoops, sorry Downburst!"
>You nervously grin and scratch the back of your head.
"Daddy got a bit carried away with the *ahem* 'spicy' details."
>Your foals collectively groan and fall on their backs.
"Tough crowd."
>"Okay everypony, it's snacktiiiiiiiiime~!"
>Your beautiful wife Derpy emerges from the kitchen with a plate of freshly-baked muffins.
>Awww, she tied her mane in a pony tail, just the way you like it!
>The yellow apron she's wearing does almost nothing to hide her swollen pregnant belly.
>It's hard to believe you're already on your fifth foal, but Derpy doesn't seem to mind at all.
"Thanks for the save, babe."
>You affectionately nuzzle Derpy as she places her plate of baked goods on the coffee table.
>Your little ponies immediately attack the plate, sending muffin crumbs flying in every direction.
>"Yay!"
>"Snackies!"
>"Yummy!"
>Their little squeals of delight quickly fill the living room with a chaotic symphony of gratitude.
>That's four more satisfied customers!
>It's truly a blessing that Derpy knows her way around the kitchen.
>You, on the other hoof, couldn't cook your way out of a paper bag.
>It also helps that your mill provides a near endless supply of flour for Derpy to work her culinary magic.
>Note to self: build another storeroom for excess wheat.
>You would've used the empty space upstairs, but nearly all of it was converted into rooms for the foals.
>Damnit, if only this mill/house was just a wee bit bigger...
>Derpy offers you a muffin, briefly snapping you out of Thoughtville for a moment.
>*MUNCH*
>Mmmm~! Tastes like chocolate chip, your favorite flavor!
>"How are they?" She asks expectantly. 
"They're delicious, as usual!" You proclaim while striking a dorky pose.
>Derpy tries and fails to contain her laughter.

Part XXIII:
>Derpy senses your intentions as well, and bends over the arm of her couch to give you proper access to-
>"Daddyyyyyy, don't make it gross!"
>Your concentration is shattered by a small voice near the fireplace.
>Suddenly four foals are sitting on the rug, staring at you with varying degrees of disgust.
>Wait a minute, this isn't Derpy's house...
>Your eldest daughter, a gray pegasus sporting black hair, pouts at you with her forelegs folded.
>Oh right, it's your turn to watch the foals today.
"Whoops, sorry Downburst!"
>You nervously grin and scratch the back of your head.
"Daddy got a bit carried away with the *ahem* 'spicy' details."
>Your foals collectively groan and fall on their backs.
"Tough crowd."
>"Okay everypony, it's snacktiiiiiiiiime~!"
>Your beautiful wife Derpy emerges from the kitchen with a plate of freshly-baked muffins.
>Awww, she tied her mane in a pony tail, just the way you like it!
>The yellow apron she's wearing does almost nothing to hide her swollen pregnant belly.
>It's hard to believe you're already on your fifth foal, but Derpy doesn't seem to mind at all.
"Thanks for the save, babe."
>You affectionately nuzzle Derpy as she places her plate of baked goods on the coffee table.
>Your little ponies immediately attack the plate, sending muffin crumbs flying in every direction.
>"Yay!"
>"Snackies!"
>"Yummy!"
>Their little squeals of delight quickly fill the living room with a chaotic symphony of gratitude.
>That's four more satisfied customers!
>It's truly a blessing that Derpy knows her way around the kitchen.
>You, on the other hoof, couldn't cook your way out of a paper bag.
>It also helps that your mill provides a near endless supply of flour for Derpy to work her culinary magic.
>Note to self: build another storeroom for excess wheat.
>You would've used the empty space upstairs, but nearly all of it was converted into rooms for the foals.
>Damnit, if only this mill/house was just a wee bit bigger...
>Derpy offers you a muffin, briefly snapping you out of Thoughtville for a moment.
>*MUNCH*
>Mmmm~! Tastes like chocolate chip, your favorite flavor!
>"How are they?" She asks expectantly. 
"They're delicious, as usual!" You proclaim while striking a dorky pose.
>Derpy tries and fails to contain her laughter.

Part XXIV:
>Your offspring quickly regather at the fireplace rug, eager to hear more of the tale that brought you and Derpy together.
>"Anooooon, are you telling our silly love story agaaaaaaaain~?" Derpy teases.
"What can I say?" You grin. "It's my favorite."
>"Come listen with us, Mommy!"
>Your son Lucky pats a spot on the rug and erratically flaps his little green wings.
>Derpy tries to oblige him, but her massive belly is making that a bit of a challenge.
>You scramble over to help your swollen wife lie down, being extra careful to not accidentally hurt her in the process.
>"Oh thank you, love muffin~!" She bats her eyelashes at you.
"Don't mention it, babe." You smile.
>Lucky's derped green eyes light up like a Christmas tree when Derpy pulls him in for a snuggle.
>Your other foals chirp excitedly and build a little pillow fort around their mother.
>"Oh no, I forgot to get a muffin!" Derpy scrunches her snout and makes a sad face.
>"I'll get one for you, Mommy!"
>Lucky squirms out of her grasp and flies right into the coffee table.
>"Oof!" he cries out.
>Like mother like son.
>You reach towards the plate and offer him one of the remaining muffins.
>"Thank you, Daddy!"
>You chuckle at his adorable clumsiness.
"Anytime, champ."
>You watch as the little colt haphazardly glides back to Derpy and gives her the muffin.
"Alright, is everypony ready now?"
>They all answer you with a cute little "Mmmhmm!" and settle into the mound of pillows.
>You quickly gobble down the rest of your muffin and slip into the ol' 'storyteller' vibes.
"Very well." You scratch your chin. "Now where was I?"
>"At the gross part..." Downburst sighs.
>You walk up to your daughter and lift her chin.
"Don't worry sweetie, Daddy is skipping the gross parts from now on, okay?"
>She looks into your eyes and smiles.
>"Okay." She practically whispers.
>You sit back in your comfy chair, ready to finish what you started.

Part XXV:
>One passionate night later...
>You're awakened by a warm beam of sunlight peeking through the nearby window.
"Ugh, morning already?"
>You yawn and roll to the side, colliding with something soft.
"Huh?"
>Something stirs beneath the sheets.
>"Mmmm~!"
>Strike that, somePONY stirs beneath the sheets.
>You immediately snap out of your half-asleep daze and begin to panic.
>Who in their right mind would break into your home and sleep in your bed?!
>You stare at the muffin pattern blanket and...wait a minute, you don't have muffin pattern blankets.
>Then it dawns on you: this isn't your house.
>Derpy's head pokes out from the covers, her frazzled blonde mane sticking out in every direction.
>She slowly blinks each eye individually before looking up at you.
>"Good morning, Anon~!"
>That bubbly voice of hers somehow manages to calm your nerves.
>"You really...*huff*...s-showed me a good time last night~!" She squeaks. "Thank you."
>The amorous mare scoots over for a morning snuggle.
>You instinctively snuggle Derpy back, pulling her in for a tender morning kiss.
>Her ears twitch in response to the unexpected lip action.
>She's so damn adorkable!
>Frankly, it's bizarre how all of this affection feels...NATURAL...
>You've only known Derpy for half a day, and yet you're already treating her like she's your wife.
>This almost feels like being in a sappy love story or something.
>"Want some breakfast?"
>Derpy places a hoof on your face and smiles.

Part XXVI:
>The peppy pegasus dons a yellow apron, ties her mane into a ponytail, and invites you to take a seat at the dining room table.
>She hums a cheerful tune as she works her culinary magic, trotting all over the kitchen on a hunt for various things.
>You're soon treated to the smell of something truly delicious.
>'What could she be making?' You wonder.
>Pancakes? 
>French Toast? 
>An omelet perhaps?
>"Special delivery, Anoooooon~!"
>The mare slides you a plate stacked a foot high with pancakes.
>You instinctively reach out a hoof to stop the tower of cakes from splattering all over your face.
>Wow, Derpy's stronger than she looks.
>The mare serves herself an equally tall stack of pancakes and joins you at the table.
>"Lemme know what you think, o-of the pancakes I mean!" She sheepishly requests.
>Derpy drowns her pancakes in maple syrup and then passes the bottle to you.
>You're a bit more conservative with the syrup, opting for a thin layer that won't immediately vaporize your teeth with an ocean of sweetness.
>One bite is all it takes to send you into a feeding frenzy.
>*NOM NOM*
>Dayum, this chick can cook!
>You hungrily gobble down the breakfast as though you're on death row.
"Dere berry dewishus!" You exclaim. "Sho fwuffy! Sho choohey! Sho fuww of fwavuh!"
>"Huh?" Derpy tilts her head in confusion.
>Oh right, mouthful of food.
>You take a moment to swallow.
"I said this is very delicious!" You clarify. "They're so fluffy, so chewey, so full of flaavor!"
>Derpy replies with a delicate laugh that almost sounds like crying.
>"That means a lot to me Anon, thank you."
>You scoot your chair over and nuzzle her.
>Damn, if you don't stop with the lovey-dovey stuff, you might begin to LIKE it.
>Then again, Derpy certainly appreciates your affections, so why not just give the mare what she needs?

Part XXVI:
>The peppy pegasus dons a yellow apron, ties her mane into a ponytail, and invites you to take a seat at the dining room table.
>She hums a cheerful tune as she works her culinary magic, trotting all over the kitchen on a hunt for various things.
>You're soon treated to the smell of something truly delicious.
>'What could she be making?' You wonder.
>Pancakes? 
>French Toast? 
>An omelet perhaps?
>"Special delivery, Anoooooon~!"
>The mare slides you a plate stacked a foot high with pancakes.
>You instinctively reach out a hoof to stop the tower of cakes from splattering all over your face.
>Wow, Derpy's stronger than she looks.
>The mare serves herself an equally tall stack of pancakes and joins you at the table.
>"Lemme know what you think, o-of the pancakes I mean!" She sheepishly requests.
>Derpy drowns her pancakes in maple syrup and then passes the bottle to you.
>You're a bit more conservative with the syrup, opting for a thin layer that won't immediately vaporize your teeth with an ocean of sweetness.
>One bite is all it takes to send you into a feeding frenzy.
>*NOM NOM*
>Dayum, this chick can cook!
>You hungrily gobble down the breakfast as though you're on death row.
"Dere berry dewishus!" You exclaim. "Sho fwuffy! Sho choohey! Sho fuww of fwavuh!"
>"Huh?" Derpy tilts her head in confusion.
>Oh right, mouthful of food.
>You take a moment to swallow.
"I said this is very delicious!" You clarify. "They're so fluffy, so chewy, so full of flavor!"
>Derpy replies with a delicate laugh that almost sounds like crying.
>"That means a lot to me Anon, thank you."
>You scoot your chair over and nuzzle her.
>Damn, if you don't stop with the lovey dovey stuff, you might begin to LIKE it.
>Then again, Derpy certainly appreciates your affections, so why not just give the mare what she needs?

Part XXVII:
>Your ears perk up when the kitchen clock chimes nine times in a row.
>Oh bits, the deliveries! 
"Sorry, but I gotta go Derpy."
>You excuse yourself from the table and begin trotting towards the front door.
"Thanks for everything, especially those pancakes!" You hastily exclaim.
>How could you have forgotten about today's grain deliveries?!
>Yeah yeah, you got swept up in a night of romance with a wonderful mare, but this is your livelihood.
>It's pretty damn difficult to woo a mate when you're broke and homeless.
>"You...don't have to leave, Anon."
>Her somber voice has you stopping in your tracks.
>"Last night... wasn't just a one-time thing, right?" She whimpers.
>You turn to see the mare staring at her half-eaten breakfast.
>Well, that's quite the unexpected reaction.
>Time to course correct before this budding relationship crashes and burns.
>Without a word, you gallop over to the distressed mare and practically smother her with the biggest hug you can muster.
>"Oof~?!"
>Derpy instinctively pulls away in surprise, but you reel her back in before she can get away.
>The aderpable pegasus immediately melts in your embrace.
>"Mmmmmm~!"
>Now THAT'S the kind of sound you want to hear from Derpy.
>She quickly wraps her forelegs around you and happily mewls.
"Derpy, I have no intention of leaving you."
>You loosen your grip on Derpy just enough to look her straight in the eye.
>"Really?"
>Her tone sounds like a mix of hope and skepticism.
"Really."
>You gently pat her on the head and smile.
"But I do have some work to do back home."
>You steal a kiss from her and gently break off the hug.
>The blush on Derpy's beautiful face has you feeling all sorts of ways, but sadly there's no time for horsing around.
>"Work?" Her eyes widen. "Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be late too!"
>Derpy knocks over her chair and flies upstairs with surprising speed.

Part XXVIII:
>Your ears pick up on a strange series of thumping and clanking sounds coming from above the kitchen.
>What on earth is she doing up there?
>The panicked pegasus suddenly stumbles down the stairs and lands face first on the floor.
>"Owwwwwwwww!"
>You scramble over and help Derpy to her hooves.
>Judging by the brown postal workers' uniform, it's safe to assume she works at the post office.
>One can only imagine how a mare this clumsy can function as a mailmare, but crazier things have happened.
>"Oh, thank you Anooooooon~!"
>You chuckle and adjust her hat so she can actually see you.
"Anytime, Derpy."
>Together, the two of you trot into Ponyville to tackle the day.
>"Hey Anoooon~?"
"What's on your mind, babe?"
>Damn, that nickname sounded way cooler in your head.
>"You wanna get some dinner after work?"
>There's no way in tartarus a stallion would say no, not with that radiant sparkle in her eyes.
"I'd love to."
>She clops her hooves together and squees with joy.
>"Yaaaaaaay~!"
>She stumbles over and nuzzles you until your face turns beet red.
>"See you later, Anon!"
>Derpy waves and takes off, only to fly head first into a low hanging sign on the other side of the street.
>"Oops!"
>You notice some nearby townsponies stopping to stare at Derpy as she tries to correct her flight pattern.
>Geez, does everpony always stop to make a spectacle of the poor mare's clumsiness?!
>Thankfully she recovers quickly and disappears somewhere downtown.
>You stretch your wings and take to the skies, ready for this boring day of work to end before it even begins.
>Soon the old windmill comes into view, its four wooden blades slowly turning in the morning wind.
>You take a deep breath and give your wings a hard flap to gain some speed.
>*MAGICK NOISES*

Part XXIX:
"What the buck?!"
>You're sent hurtling towards the ground by a large purple...something.
>You turn your wings upwards to try and regain altitude, but it's too late.
>Some passersby scream and gallop out of the way.
>Your body collides with a stone bridge before landing in the river below.
>*SPLASH*
>The cold water shocks you awake, temporarily numbing the pain that's chewing away at your nerves.
>You scramble to the shoreline and gasp for air.
>Before you can even blink, a familiar purple horse lands on the ground with enough force to create a small crater.
>You rub your eyes and try to ignore the searing pain in your side.
"Princess?!"
>You stare in disbelief at the purple alicorn angrily staggering toward you with a bottle of...booze in her hoof?
>"I shtill can't beliebe you *hic* chose that durpy dorkadoofus ovurr meeeee!"
>Yep, that's definitely alcohol she's drinking.
>Twilight utters a disgusting burp and trips over a rock.
>"A'hm uh princhesh for Sheleshtia's shake!"
>The drunk pony leans her body against yours for support, but even then she can barely stand.
>"What shatllion WOULDN'T *urp* wan to date royaltee?!"
>You take a closer look at the inebriated mare and gasp.
>Her colors...they've faded.
>What's even weirder is the fact that your own coat seems to be a lot brighter.
>No time to figure out what's going on right now.
>You try to pull away but she holds you in place with a sloppy blob of magic.
>"Ohhhhhhhh no ya don't!" She shouts.
>Ponies begin to gather around the two of you, further increasing the awkwardness of this bizarre situation.
>You know you're going to regret this, but it's better than everypony thinking you're an asshat.
"It's alright everypony. 
>You turn to address the concerned crowd.
"Princess Twilight isn't feeling well, that's all."
>The ponies murmur among themselves without taking their eyes off of you.
"I'll let her rest at my place for the time being."
>With a grunt of effort, you break free from her magic and sling her over your back.
>"Wha-?!" Twilight cries out in surprise.
>You ignore her protests and carry her towards your house.
>"Whaddya thing you're doowing?! Lemme go dis *hic* instand!!!"

Part XXX:
>You gently drop the horse princess on your living room couch.
>*POMF*
>"Oof?! Wut is da meening uf dis, Anuuuun?!"
>Twilight squirms around on the cushions, but alas, she is far too shitfaced drunk to even sit up straight.
>You take this moment to snatch her bottle of booze away and head to the kitchen.
>The foul-smelling liquid sizzles as it flows down the drain.
>How do ponies drink this slop?!
>With the deed done, you decide to grab a blanket from the hallway closet on the way back.
>Upon returning to the living room, you're shocked to see Twilight opening a fresh bottle of...whatever it is she was drinking.
>Oh right, she's magical.
>You sigh and throw the blanket right in her face.
>Twilight mumbles some unintelligible gibberish before pulling the blanket down just enough to take another swig.
>Time to get to the bottom of this madness before YOU start drinking.
"Okay Twilight, why the buck are you drinking yourself to death?"
>More indistinguishable dialogue flows from her muffled snout.
"Maybe we should talk later, when you can actually talk?" 
>You sigh and pull the blanket over her head.
"Get some rest, you crazy purple pony."
>Twilight squeaks and suddenly lurches forward.
>The alicorn's quivering hooves barely graze your neck as you matrix dodge her surprise attack.
>You sigh and trot back to the kitchen while she slumps back in defeat.
>Twilight's groans of frustration are admittedly cute, but not cute enough for you to forgive her drunken rampage.
>Five hours later....
>You help Cherry Berry load up her cart with the last of today's delivery orders.
>"Thanks for the help, Anon!" She waves to you with a smile.
"No prob." You wave back like a dingus.
>"See you tomorrow!"
>Cherry Berry once again trots off towards the landing platform.
>Where the buck does that mare get all of her peppiness?
>Your aching hooves stumble through the front door and practically collapse on the living room floor.
>How could you have forgotten that today was going to be such a busy day for shipments?
>"Hello, Anonymous..."
>Your head bolts upright as the sound of Twilight's voice permeates the room. 
>At least she sounds sober this time.

Part XXXI:
>Twilight beckons to you with a hoof patting the empty couch cushion next to her.
>If this is your chance to find out what the buck is going on, then you have to take it.
>You reluctantly take a seat next to Twilight.
>The distressed mare stares at the floor, her face awash with despair (and possibly a hangover).
>"Anon, I-" She bites her trembling lip.
>Oh boy, here it comes.
>The sappy apology that's supposed to fix everything and make everypony live happily ever after.
>"I still don't understand."
"Understand what?" You cock your head in confusion.
>Twilight's head slowly turns until her eyes meet yours.
>"Why didn't you choose me to be your special somepony?"
>Tears stream down her cheeks.
>"Couldn't I make you happy the way Derpy does?"
>This doesn't sound like an apology. AT ALL.
>With the way she's behaving, one would think you cheated on her or something.
"Twilight, we've been over this already."
>You wipe the tears from her eyes.
"I wasn't looking for a one night stand, especially when magical princesses are involved."
>As much as you would've LOVED to rut this mare stupid at the time, it would've been pointless without the love to justify it.
>You can't even BEGIN to imagine the PR problems that a princess marrying a commoner would create.
>"It didn't have to be a one-off mating!" She protests.
>You physically recoil from Twilight's unexpected shouting.
>"My books on pony courtship didn't say to *hic* jump directly into mating b-but-"
>She's beginning to lose her self-restraint.
>"-it was all I could think of to help you in the moment!"
>She throws her body into yours and completely breaks down crying.
>"We could've *sniffle* made it work, Anon!"
>She wraps her forelegs around you in a surprising vice grip that's impossible to escape.
>Your shoulder quickly becomes soaked with the pony's tears.
>Without even thinking, you hug Twilight close and gently pat her on the head.
>The purple pony coos with approval and snuggles you even more.
>Dear Celestia, give you strength.

Part XXXII:
>"I saw you, saw US, together." Twilight laments. "Our love was so beautiful..."
>The words coming out of her mouth are making less and less sense.
>Wait a minute, is she still drunk?
"Please stop speaking in riddles you dorky dingus."
>She pulls away from you and sighs.
>"There exists a timeline where you chose me as your special somepony, and we became a happy couple...just like I wanted."
>Her horn ignites with a burst of fiery purple magic.
>"I can show you, if you'd like." The faintest smile crosses her lips.
"Wait a minute Twilight, are you saying you can just create timelines out of thin air?!"
>Your eyes widen until it feels like they're going to pop out of your skull.
>Alicorns always were toted as the most powerful of the pony tribes, but time traveling is a whole new level of insanity.
>The purple princess pony shakes her head, much to your personal relief.
>"No Anon, these timelines are merely theoretical."
>She jumps down from the couch and stretches her legs.
>"If one knows where and how to look, one can find endless possibilities scattered across the infinite plane of spacetime."
>Brain.exe has stopped working.
>"But these infinite possibilities have one fatal flaw: they can be seen, but cannot be touched."
>You raise a hoof to interject, but it's too late.
>The thousand and one questions bouncing around in your mind are quickly silenced as Twilight's eyes begin to glow bright white.
>Without another word, she tears open a strange portal right in the middle of your living room.
>"Come, my dear Anon."
>She points towards the portal, where something begins to take shape at its center.
>"Witness the reality that could have been, but *sad noises* never will be."
>She wipes her sniffling snout and tries to put on a brave face, but you know deep down that whatever's in this portal is tearing her apart on the inside.
>You take a deep breath and move towards the glowing cosmic window of "infinite possibilities".
>It's best if you humor the poor mare, lest she break down crying again.
>You slowly peer into the portal, not quite sure of what to expect.
"Holy bits."

Part XXXIII:
>Your mouth hangs open at the scene unfolding within the portal.
>It starts off as a beautiful sunny day in Canterlot.
>Thousands of ponies gather in the central courtyard, excitedly talking amongst themselves about some kind of "royal announcement".
>Suddenly a purple alicorn dressed in her royal best walks out onto the royal balcony, accompanied by a tall purple dragon.
>Is...Is that Twilight? Wow, she's almost as tall as Celestia!
>The crowd erupts into a frenzy with loud cheers and thundering applause.
>"Greetings, my faithful subjects!" The princess smiles.
>Her audience responds with even louder shouts of joy.
>"We are gathered here today for a very special occasion."
>The crowd quickly falls silent.
>"The Diamond Dog kingdom has officially signed our Equestrian Alliance treaty!"
>She pumps her hoof into the air, sending the crowd into an enthusiastic frenzy.
>"Yes, this miraculous diplomatic feat was made possible thanks to the efforts of my royal assistant Spike..."
>Twilight gestures towards her dragon companion, who humbly waves to the crowd.
>"...And my dear husband, Prince Anon!"
>On cue, you emerge from the shadows and stand next to Twilight.
>You hug her close and smile at the thousands of ponies celebrating the news.
>"With this new alliance secured, Equestria is one step closer to a future that will make our foals and grandfoals proud!" She proudly declares.
>No less than ten foals eagerly scramble out from the shadows to join you and Twilight on the balcony.
>Their cries of delight are nothing short of adorable.
>Some of them look like you, some of them look like Twilight, and some of them look like the result of putting you and Twilight in a blender.
>Twilight affectionately nuzzles them and then turns to you with a sparkle in her eyes.
>You grin and lean in to return her affections.
>"We may need to sire a few more heirs to fully populate our castle, my prince." She whispers.
>Twilight bats her eyelashes at you and utters a seductive whinny.
>Both you and your alternate counterpart begin turning beet red.

Part XXXIV:
>"Do you see now, Anon?"
>Twilight startles you with a surprise nuzzle.
>"We were meant for one another."
>You try to back away but end up tripping over your own hooves and falling to the floor.
>"We can do great things for one another-"
>The mare teleports on top of you before you can even react.
>"-and for our great nation of Equestria..."
>She leans in until her lips are mere inches away from yours.
>Those purple sparkly eyes of hers have you completely entranced.
>Oh no, this is getting bad.
>You have to do everthing in your power to resist Twilight's regal/dorky charms, for Derpy's sake.
>Her alicorn body is surprisingly heavy, easily keeping you pinned to the floor despite your copious amounts of struggling.
>Either that or she's using magic to keep you from moving.
"Derpy, please forgive me." You choke out.
>You close your eyes and try to turn your head before her lips find yours.
>*CRRREEEEAAAAAAK*
>"Haiiiiii Anoooooon~!" 
>The sounds of a familiar voice quickly fill your living room.
>"Is everything okaaaaaay~? I didn't see you at the rest-"
>Her cheerful voice cuts off right as the door fully opens.
>You and Twilight turn to face the visiting pony in stunned silence.
>There stands your marefriend Derpy, her eyes wide with shock.
>"A-Anon?! P-Princess Twilight?!" She cries out in surprise. "What the muffins is going on?!"
>She stumbles forward and stares at the two of you in disbelief.
>Twilight smiles nervously and quickly scrambles off of you.
>"Greetings, Derpy!" She tries to mask her embarrassment with a bubbly tone. "W-What brings you to Anon's house at this hour? Heh heh-"
>Derpy stares at Twilight for a few moments before ultimately focusing on you.
>"Anon...w-were you trying to *sniffle* give love to Twilight?"
>You frantically shake your head and try to respond, but she breaks down crying and crumples to the floor.

Part XXXV:
>If this shitshow doesn't get resolved here and now, you'll risk losing Derpy forever.
>Think idiot, THINK!
"Derpy, please listen."
>You jump to your hooves and slowly approach the distraught mare.
"It's not what it looked like."
>Twilight mumbles something under her breath, but you can't quite hear it.
>Nevermind that now, there will be time to deal with that horny homewrecker later.
>You wrap your forelegs around Derpy and hold her close.
"I know this is going to sound corny, but-"
>Her shaking hooves immediately wrap themselves around you.
"-I would never, EVER cheat on you."
>The frazzled pegasus looks up at you and whinnies in a shaky voice.
>Oh dear Celestia there's so much pain in her eyes.
>You gently wipe away Derpy's tears and lean in for a kiss.
"I love you, Derpy."
>She hesitates at first, but ultimately succumbs to your affections.
>*One long sloppy make out session later...*
>Derpy finally calms down, but something tells you she's still troubled.
>"B-But Anon, if you weren't loving Twilight...." 
>She wipes her snout and takes a deep breath.
>"Then why was she on top of you?"
>Her good eye stares right into yours.
>How in the tartarus are you supposed to explain this?!
"You see, what happened was: SOMEPONY got a little to excited about her magical mumbo-jumbo!"
>You grunt and turn to glare at Twilight, who is too busy being engrossed in her magic portal to notice.
>"Huh?" Derpy blinks.
"I think it would be easier to show than tell."
>You sigh and motion towards the shimmering portal that's floating in front of Twilight.
>Dayum, Twilight is panting like a dog on a summer street.
>You can only imagine what's happening in the portal now.

Part XXXVI:
"Ahem, earth to Twilight!" You cup your mouth. "Come in, Twilight! We're losing you!"
>"Huh?! Wha-?"
>She quickly turns to face you and Derpy with another awkward smile.
>"Oh hey guys, what's...ummm...up?"
>You snort at her awkward attempt at humor.
"Mind explaining why you tried to mate with me just now?"
>Derpy clings to you and impatiently mewls.
>Twilight sighs and takes a moment to gather her thoughts.
>"I know you and Anon have been and ITEM since Hearts and Hooves."
"...And?" You raise an eyebrow.
>"And I was just saying it's not too late to consider your options!"
>Her nervous giggle has your blood boiling.
>"You're a nice mare and all, Derpy, but-"
>"But what?" Derpy scrunches her snout.
>"-But the truth is that logically speaking, I would be better suited for Anon." 
>Derpy's eyes widen with shock.
>"Everypony knows you're a humble, albeit clumsy, pony who always tries her best."
>Oh dear Celestia, is Twilight TRYING to make Derpy cry?
>"But doesn't Anon deserve more than a common villager?"
>Your hooves begin shaking with rage at the alicorn's dismissive attitude towards Derpy.
>"If you would please consider this alternate timeline, I'm sure we'll all agree that Anon can do the most good for Equestria by marrying me."
>She points towards the glowing portal, which is now showing you and Twilight making out after a successful diplomatic meeting of some kind.
>Damn, this alicorn is thirsty.
>"And royal status isn't the only thing I have to offer!" 
>Twilight places a hoof on her chest and proudly smiles as she continues. 
>"I've also procured great group of friends that save Equestria on a regular basis, my superior trivia knowledge is unmatched, and-"
>"You mean you're trying to *sniff* take Anon away from me?" Derpy asks in a small voice.
>"Oh no, of course not!" Twilight quickly backpedals. "At the end of the day this is Anon's decision, I'm just trying to help him make the correct one."
>This conversation is quickly spiraling into lunacy, and neither you nor Derpy need this nonsense in your lives.
"Don't worry babe."
>You hug Derpy close and gently nuzzle her.
"No silly alicorn shenanigans are going to take me away from you."
>Derpy mewls and snuggles into you for comfort, which you have no problem providing for her.
>"A-Are you sure you won't reconsider?" Twilight begs with big puppy dog eyes. "It's not just about us, it's also about creating a brighter future for all of ponykind."
>She steps closer and slowly places a hoof on your face.
>"Please don't be foolish, my dear Anon."

Part XXXVII:
>This is too much.
>THIS IS JUST.
>TOO.
>BUCKING.
>MUCH.
"ENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH!"
>You stomp your hoof and shout with enough ferocity to rattle the upper rafters.
"I'VE MADE MY DECISION TWILIGHT, AND DERPY IS MY MAREFRIEND!"
>Twilight stumbles backwards as your booming voice echoes throughout the mill.
>You feel Derpy shaking against you, no doubt scared from all the yelling.
>It's time to calm down before she becomes too worried.
>You stop, take a deep breath, and try to regain your composure.
"Derpy IS a humble hard-working pony, but her clumsiness isn't as damning as you make it out to be, Twilight." 
>The princess tries to interject but you raise a hoof to stop her.
"Sometimes all a stallion needs is a simple loving mare in his life."
>You gently stroke Derpy's mane and sigh.
"This kind of love can't be bought or seized through royal diplomacy."
>Derpy coos and nuzzles her cheek against yours.
"Clumsiness is one of Derpy's cuter quirks, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world."
>Twilight's lip slowly curls as her right eye twitches.
>"Heh...heheheheh....*inhales*...AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" 
>The agitated princess breaks out into long peals of demented laughter and starts slamming the floor with one of her forelegs.
>Ooooookay, that was NOT the response you were expecting.
>Twilight's face suddenly turns stoic, much to your surprise.
>"Fine, Anonymous."
>You don't like the way she stopped calling you 'Anon'.
>She waves her hoof through the portal, dissolving it instantly.
>"You've made your choice, and now we all have to live with the consequences."
>She conjures up a new portal that leads back to the crystal castle.
"What's that supposed to mean, Twilight?" You grit your teeth.
>Her poker face remains unchanged.
>"You'll see soon enough." She coldly replies.
>Without another word, Twilight steps through the portal and vanishes.
>There's a long eerie silence left in her wake.
>Derpy turns you loose and looks at the empty space left behind by Twilight and her stupid magic portals.
>"I don't understand...Are we in trouble, Anon?" She worriedly whinnies.
>You gulp nervously and try to put on a brave face.
"Nah, she's just upset is all."

>Part XXXVIII:
>Months later...
>It's a beautiful autumn afternoon in Ponyville.
>The setting sun casts an orange glow across your living room.
>The last of Derpy's moving boxes are finally unpacked.
>Geez, she has a lot more stuff than you thought.
>You toss the last empty box into the pile and utter a small yawn.
>*POOMF*
>The couch cushions feel like a fine silk against your aching body.
>It's not long before you feel your eyelids becoming heavier and-
>*POOMF*
"Oof!"
>Your eyes shoot open as Derpy lands on top of you.
>"Hi Anooooooon~!"
>She smiles and playfully wags her tail.
"Well hello, Derpy."
>You hug the mare close and nuzzle her.
>She eagerly nuzzles you back and sighs with content.
"You finished moving your stuff to our bedroom?"
>She nods and snuggles into the warmth of your body.
>The fire cheerfully snaps and pops inside its mantle, further bolstering the cozy atmosphere that envelops you and Derpy.
>If it were up to you, this would be a moment that lasts forever.
>Derpy suddenly climbs off of you and turns towards the fire with a sigh.
>Uh oh.
"Something wrong, babe?" You sit up and scoot closer.
>Derpy opens her mouth to speak, but no words emerge.
>You can see pain and hesitation stewing in her eyes.
>This calls for drastic measures.
>You place a hoof on Derpy's chin and gently turn her head.
"Derpy, I want you to understand something."
>She cocks her head and neighs.
>"Wha-MMPH?!"
>You silence her concerns with a delicate kiss.
>She swoons and tries to cuddle closer, you but stop her short.
>Denying Derpy affection is a sin against Celestia, but your point must be made.
"No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you."
>You stroke her messy mane and smile.
>"You really mean that, Anoooooon~?" She whimpers.
"Mhm."

Part XXXIX:
>"Thank you Anon, that means a whole lot of muffins to me."
>Derpy giggles and wipes the tears from her eyes.
>The peppy pegasus pauses for a moment to gather her thoughts.
>"Okay Anon, it's like this..."
>Derpy proceeds to dump an entire cartload's worth of lifelong trauma upon you.
>It turns out she was quite the avid flyer as a little filly, "googly eyes" be damned.
>Derpy's classmates put together a fan club of sorts to celebrate her competition wins.
>Even the Wonderbolts began to take notice of her potential!
>But one day, those hopes and dreams came crashing down when a certain rainbow horse entered the fray.
>This "Rainbow Dash" character eventually muscled in on the competition, garnering the love and adoration of Derpy's former fans.
>Derpy didn't realize it at the time, but she lost more than just a few silly races.
>She lost her confidence and self-worth.
>The sting of defeat proved too much to bear, and drove her from the hobby altogether.
>Derpy and her family fled from Cloudsdale in disgrace and tried to start a new life in Ponyville.
>However, the ghosts of her past would not be so easily left behind.
>The villagers mostly kept their distance and only offered greetings out of obligation.
>The other foals wouldn't go anywhere near her, making the pursuit of class projects (and friendships) practically impossible.
>Even as a full grown mare she had no luck making friends...or finding a special somepony.
>Then you stumbled into Derpy's life and everything changed.
>Your fellow townsponies' reactions to Derpy's blossoming love life were...mixed to say the least.
>The stallions exhibit various levels of confusion, but ultimately wish you and Derpy the best before returning to their usual behaviors.
>The mares however, hold their snouts up and snort with either jealousy or disdain.
>You prefer to think it's the former, but ultimately it doesn't matter.
>You're not about to abandon the best thing that ever happened to you just because other horses are jealous or whatever.
>Derpy certainly isn't shy about expressing her affections in public or in private.
>You've lost count of how many kisses, nuzzles, wing hugs, and [REDACTED] she's bestowed upon you.
>As far as Derpy is concerned, you are her world first and foremost.
>You do your best to give the humble mare love whenever possible, but she eagerly repays it before you can even blink.
>Derpy truly is a special pony, and you will do everything in your power to make her happy.

Part XXXX:
>You awaken the next morning tucked under a warm blanket.
>Huh, where'd this come from?
>With a yawn and a quick stretch, you free yourself from the comfy cocoon and head for the kitchen.
>The smell of fresh pancakes flood your nostrils.
>Beyond the dining room table stands Derpy, eagerly cooking what smells to be another delicious breakfast.
>Celestia bless her soul.
"Mornin' babe." You sleepily greet her.
>Derpy jumps at the sound of your voice and quickly turns around.
>"Good morning, love muffin!" She eagerly responds with a wave.
"Love muffin?"
>Derpy blushes and fumbles with her spatula.
>"Oh that, uh, I was just thinking that since you gave me a nickname-"
>She piles the pancakes onto two plates and slowly carries them to the table.
>"Is it time for my good morning kiss, love muffin~?" She coos.
"You know it, babe."
>Derpy squees with delight and scrambles towards you. 
>The nearby chair seems to have other plans, and catches her hind leg with its own.
>"Oof!"
>You instinctively dash over and catch the silly mare before her face ends up kissing the tile floor.
>Derpy quickly regains her hoofing and sighs.
>"Thank you, love muffin..."
>You give Derpy the kind of kiss that has her giggling like a giddy schoolfilly.
"No problem, babe."
>"A-As I was saying-"
>She clears her throat and affectionately nuzzles your neck.
>"You gave me a nickname, so I thought I could give you one too."
>You chuckle and pull Derpy close.
>"Do you...like it~?" She asks expectantly.
>You begin to respond but are suddenly cut off by the sound of thundering hoofsteps outside.