Transferred from https://pastebin.com/84TwK4Lx Originally published DEC 4TH, 2015 This isn't anything original, just a straight-up translation of Russian 'Lieutenant Rzhevsky' jokes with Pinkie as the brilliant Russian officer (that is, until I get an original idea). ... >"Pinkie, how do you become friends with stallions so fast? What's your secret? >"I just fuck them silly. It really breaks the ice!" ... >"Pinkie, how do you manage to bed stallions so easily? >"Oh, that's easy-peasy. I just walk up to the colt, and say:'Hey handsome, wanna fuck?' " >"Pinkie, you can't just say that to a stallion! You can get slapped for this!" >"Yeah, but usually we just fuck." ... >"Pinkie, what do you think of love at first sight?" >"Great stuff! Huge time-saver!" ... >"Pinkie, tell me something... Have you ever truly loved? >"Of course, I fuck all the time!" >"No, Pinkie, no! I mean, something, something above it all..." >"Well I fucked pegasus mid-air once" >"Heavens, Pinkie, no! I meant something clean and pure..." >"Like in a sauna?" >"No! A love that lasts, something for life..." >"Hey, you know I don't have any foals yet!" ... *knock-knock* >"W-w-who's there?" >"It's me, Pinkie Pie!" >"Oh n-n-no, you are going to tell me dirty things and m-molest me all night!" >"uuu, duh." >"O-okay, I'll open the door~~<3" ... >"Excuse me, ladies, does anypony know where I can get a proper fuck around here?" >"What are you talking about! You can't do this, this is the Great Galloping Gala, you are in polite society!" >"Of course I am, I assumed I could get a proper fuck here. ... >"Pinkie, what was your favorite act?" >"Oh, I really liked the juggler" >"But the juggler didn't perform today!" >"I really-really liked him, and that's exactly why he didn't perform today." ... Bar. >"Hey Pinks" >"Yes, Dashie" >"What do you think, this stallion, will he lick it?" >"Which one?" >"At the counter. Dark-brown coat." >"Yep!" >"And what about... that one! 10 o'clock, gray mane." >"I can't tell from behind." >The stallion turns around, scanning the crowd >"Yipperonie! He does." >"Pinkie, how do you even know?" >"Easy. They have mouths." ... Twilight is chatting up Time Turner (that fucking slut! fucking skank) at a party. All is well, until.. >"Hey, Timey... may I.. may I have a kiss? <3" >"No! What even posessed you to think I would want that?" >"But...but... I just saw Pinkie Pie kissing you earlier... <\3" >"Well she didn't ask!" ... >"Pinkie! What you just did was inexcusable, and I can not overlook it, even for my friend! You have insulted a stallion's honor, and so insulted me! I demand satisfaction!" >"Satisfaction?~~ Ok, geez, like you even have to ask~~" ... >Be Dirty Ponko >Visiting Canterlot for some official element horseapples >Being a strategic asset feels bad, girl. >At least you can get a friendly visit with the foremost horses >And the guards are all top sex, unf. >you even have a friendo in the guard >pfft, of course you do, you have a friendo in all major cities >[spoiler]for fucking emergencies[/spoiler] >So, still being Punke, you shoot the horseapples with Luna-Buna and the girls >"...and the gifts!. Sometimes I feel like some mob mare that ponies have to pay off." >"I don't want to sound ungrateful, but ponies usually deliver them and run off, as if I'm going to throw them in a dungeon if they misbehave!" >"Or that sprouting wings turned me into a monster or something..." "Oh, Twilight, don't be sad. I bet you'll nail down the motherly vibe soon and have ponies eating out of your hoof in no time!" >"All I do now is swoop in to kick flank and collect valuables. Should I order ponies to talk to me or something? I wonder where all this fear comes from..." >"Thou speak truly! As much as it delights me when the common folk acknowledges our efforts, it seems that a kind word said not to get into good graces is as scarce as gold." >"I know better than to presume the folk afraid, they are merely humbled, but so far only the little ones had the strength of will to engage us." "Come on Luna-Buna, you don't mean that nopony ever talks with you?" >"Certainly not, but this is a rare occurence." >Luna picks up one of the candelabras from the table >"Last week, as I was exploring the merchants' quarter, I came upon a fine establishment of Wax Light the candle-maker" >"The mare seemed unfazed by our presence. I was, however, amazed by her craft." >"In the old days, no pony bothered to decorate a disposable light source, but, as she explained, evershine crystals replaced a great lot of candles used for lighting." >"The decorative and aromatic candles, however, could not be replaced. I procured fifty hoof-carved candles from her, specifically for friendly affairs as this" >"But now I face a conundrum. I have seven matching silver candelabras for seven candles each." >"This leaves me with one candle, and I have no idea where to put it in..." >>"... no idea where to put it in..." >>>"...where to put it in..." >>>>"...put it in..." >Twilight tenses up and yells >"Pinkie, shut up!" >your dirty horny face when (Pinkie can't keep silent jpg ) ... >"Ya know, Dashie... it feels like we're family now" >"What, like sisters?" >"Oh no you silly~~ we were sisters since forever! But now I think of you as my filly!" >"Pinkie, seriously, why the buck??" >"Oh nothing Dashie, I just fucked your dad." ... >Element bearers sans Ponka are chilling at Twi's place. >Rarity stands up and proposes: >"Girls, we're having such a delightful time, but as soon as Pinkie appears she will lewd everything up! Let us ask her to leave our company for today!" >Everypony agrees. >Several minutes later the door opens, and in comes none other than Pinkie Pie. >Twilight immediately grabs her and throws her out the window. >"Twilight, what took over you? We could have just asked her to go outside! >At the same moment Pinkie climbs inside through the window. "Hey I like outside, outside is good, yesterday a stallion fucked my ass so hard I peed, but we did it outside so no cleanup required!" ... >"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy! But here's my cooter - so mount me, maybe!" ... >"Pinkie, sug', I'm quite sure you're skilled and all, but the next time you be bobbin' for apples, please use your mouth instead, ya hear?" ... >"Oh, Pinkie! It's so stuffy in here! We should open something--" >"Sure dearie, I've got boarbon, chompagne..." ... >Party. Pinkie needs to take a leak, so she just goes outside, lifts hr tail and starts pissin' >A stallion sees her. >"Pinkie Pie, this is an outrage! What are you doing?" >"Oh, don't be like that, Pokey. Look at the stream, look how it glistens in the moonlight, how the droplets race down the blades of grass, as if a wizard sprinkled magical diamonds everywhere in a fit of whimsy..." >"Oh, this is so romantic..." >"Oh now you sing a different song, fucker, much better than 'lewd, lewd' " ... Pinkie comes to a travel agency >"Oh, all this government business is just sooo boring, I'm pooped! I really need to get away from it all." >"I can look up some nice healing resorts for you. Are you interested in half-board or full-board?" >"Oh... I think I can fuck half the stallions on board good, but not everyone, I'm planning this need to recover after all!"