https://web.archive.org/web/20190803132546/https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2751.html

You can skip the introduction if you remember the gist of Anon Tried to Kill Himself. This is the sequel to that story, which can be found here: https://ponepaste.org/3653

If you haven't read the first story, and you don't want to read it, here's a quick rundown. If you haven't read the first story but do want to read it, the quick rundown contains spoilers.

And here's the quick rundown of the first story:
>you are Anonymous Faggot, a NEET living in a tiny apartment who hasn't spoken to another person in months
>one day you go to bed at seven in the morning as always
>and the next day you wake up in a world of talking ponies
>though really they look more like bug-eyed llamas to you
>the local pink party pony throws a welcome party for you
>but you soon retreat to a yurt on the edge of the woods
>a year goes by almost totally without interaction with these strange talking horses
>finally you decide it's time to quit
>you're in the middle of doing the rope dance when the purple princess pony decides to pay you a visit
>next thing you know, you're living in a hideous crystal tree-castle
>even worse, you're now Twilight Sparkle's glorified slave until she's convinced you won't try to off yourself again
>over the course of the next week, she makes you socialize with her friends
>Pinkie Pie, whose party peer pressure drives you to do some things you don't remember
>Rarity, who fails to get you to relax
>Fluttershy, who's nice enough but ends up being largely unapproachable
>Rainbow Dash, the first pony to successfully make a crack in your shell
>and Applejack, who seems to see into your soul and seems to see something you don't want to be seen
>in spite of your generally shitty attitude about pretty much everything, you do manage to establish a somewhat friendly-ish relationship with Twilight
>finally, a magic table decides that you need to go to the Crystal Empire with Twilight
>Twilight believes that this is because you need to help a low-functioning autist named Sombra adjust to society
>you end up being very uncooperative
>so does Sombra
>this culminates in a fight in the middle of the night
>tl;dr you end up bitch slapping Twilight and she sends you away to a mental hospital
>while you're there a pony named Amber Ember attempts to make friends with you, but shortly checks out of the hospital
>you're forced to escape the hospital when Sombra takes over Equestria
>eventually you're reunited with Twilight in prison
>with the power of hugs, she extracts enough friendship out of you to summon her friends and break out of prison
>you confront Sombra, and you feel like you're about to make a breakthrough, both in him and in yourself
>but Spike imprisons Sombra in a crystal shard
>the day is saved, and Twilight gives you your freedom, but somehow it doesn't feel quite right
>we pick up a year later
>over the past year, you've grown somewhat close with Twilight, who is currently cuddled up with you on your couch
>Twilight has just invited you to come move back into the castle with her to help her instruct her new friendship student, Starlight Glimmer

And here's a TL;DR rundown, for anyone who doesn't want to read the quick rundown:
>be Anon
>be suicidal faggot with a shitty attitude
>purplesmart cures you of shitty attitude
>story picks up the day after season 5 finale

ACT I: Anonymous the Human
Part 1: Anon Fucking Hates Sex

>"What do you mean, 'Not this shit again'?"
"Well, I just mean that the last time you tried this it didn't work out very well."
>Sombra would probably agree with you
>except for the fact that he hasn't spoken a complete sentence since Spike trapped him in that crystal
>Twilight does that thing that ponies do
>you know, where they scrunch up their noses and make a little scowl
>"Yeah, well…"
>she looks straight up into your eyes
>"I have a good feeling about Starlight. I think she's a lot like me."
"Except, you know, a supervillain."
>"Ex-supervillain. And she feels really bad about it. Honestly, her guilt over it is probably going to be the biggest obstacle to reaching her."
"Didn't she just move in with you yesterday?"
>"You know what I think, Anon?"
>oh geez
>she's smugging at you
"What?"
>"I think you're jealous."
>just look at that snarky little smirk
"Huh? No, I'm not-"
>are you?
>"Anon."
>Twilight sits up on her haunches and sets a hoof on your chest
>were her eyes always this…
>purple?
>"You hold a very special place among my friends. I couldn't replace you any more than I could replace Spike, or Applejack, or any of my other friends."
"Uh. Thanks."
>you don't realize just how close she's gotten to your face til a fucking furnace wind escapes her mouth and sets your lips on fire
>"Let me prove it to you."
>and just like that, there's a damn horse tongue in your mouth
>you're all frozen up til she breaks it off and smiles at you
"H-hey, what's this all about?
>"I wasn't going to say anything, but since it looks like we both need this…"
>hey hang on hold up you don't need anything here
>"It's my time of the year."
"What does that mean?"
>Twilight purples her horn up
>apparently it means you spend the next five minutes engaging in activities that go well beyond the bounds of friendship
>Twilight does a pretty good job of satisfying herself, and pretty soon she's passed out on your couch
>and you're standing there without any pants on
>what the fuck
"Huh. Looks like I'll never be a wizard now."
>funny how something silly like that can sound so sad

>Twilight doesn't looks like she'll be waking up any time soon
>you need to get outside
>you locate a t-shirt and a pair of shorts
>and you throw on some shoes
>and you get outside
>and you start running
>you're in much better shape than you were a year ago
>you're probably in better shape than you've ever been in your life
>running was something of an acquired taste for you
>but once you got into it, there really wasn't anything else quite like it
>the nice thing about it was how brainless it was
>your only conscious thoughts are for the cool winds of early spring, the muffled thumping of your own footsteps, and the gradually dimming light of late afternoon
>but on some level beneath your consciousness, an idea is forming
>you still don't really get any of these ponies
>and they still don't really get you
>in spite of Twilight's insistence that you really are her close friend
>in spite of you really being close enough to Twilight for her to turn it into some sort of freaky fucking super weapon last year
>in spite of the thing that just happened
>there is a gulf between you and her, and everyone else in Ponyville for that matter
>words make their way into the forefront of your mind when a somewhat raspy voice shouts at you
>"Hey!"
>Rainbow Dash appears in front of you, doing the scrunchy face thing
>you come to hard stop to avoid running into her
>"What do you think you're doing?"
"Huh? Doing? I'm not doing anyt-"
>"You're going for a run without your workout buddy!"
>oh
>right
>you're in the best shape of your life, and it's largely thanks to the blue pony frowning in front of you now
>Dash's scrunch gives way to a grin as she waves her hoof in front of her nose and laughs
>"How long have you been running, Anon? You reek!"
"Uh, not that long, I think."
>"Not that long? But-"
>she takes in a big whiff
>and frowns
>and trots up closer to you
>and sniffs a few more times
>and she beams a gigantic, toothy smile directly into your soul
>"Oh, you've gotta tell me about this."
"What? Tell you about what? There's nothing to te-"
>"Oh, come on! You smell like I did when I was thirteen and figured out that bathrooms could lock."
"That's gross, Rainbow."
>"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, who was it? Was it that green mare who's always hanging around your house?"
>huh?
>is she still stalking you?
"Yeah, I mean no, it wasn't her. Look, I don't wanna talk about it just yet. Maybe I'll tell you about it later."
>"Tell you what 'Non, go home and take a shower, and meet me at Sugarcube Corner right after. This is great, don't be so weird about it."
>fuck
"Sure."
>Rainbow flits off, leaving you to jog home
>if Twilight has tried to be your mentor in her ideology of friendship
>than Dash has tried to be your tutor in her own brand of "coolness"
>"coolness" has to be in quotes here because Dash actually has some pretty extensive theories on the differences between coolness, awesomeness, and radicalness,
>she'd be displeased to hear you use "coolness" as a blanket term for all three
>Twilight is gone by the time you get back home
>leaving her alone was probably some sort of social faux pas
>whatever
>at least she cleaned up all the sticky shit off the couch before she left

Part 2: The Last Cupcake

>Dash is already waiting for you when you get to the pastry shop
>fortunately, it looks like she's had the tact to choose a table tucked away in a corner
>and as an added bonus, there's already what looks like two dozen cupcakes sitting on the table
>hey, fuck spending money
>"Anon! There you are! Eat a cupcake! Have another! I spent a lot of money on these things!"
>Dash watches you obediently consume a couple cupcakes while having a few herself
>then the grins start
>"All right, Anon, I wanna know everything. Who was she? Anypony I know? Was it good?"
>Rainbow pauses for a moment
>"Actually, you know what? Just tell me everything like it's one of your jack-off stories."
"I don't write jack-off stories!"
>"Uh-huh, sure. How old did you get before you lost your virginity?"
"Shit damnit Rainbow Dash, I don't write jack-off stories!"
>"Okay, fine, no story. But at least give me a name."
"Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope!"
>"All right, that's cool, you don't kiss and tell, I can respect that."
>Rainbow Dash thoughtfully inhales another cupcake
>"But at least tell me what it was like. Did you like it?"
"Uh..."
>"Uh-huh..."
"Well..."
>"Well..."
"I didn't like it."
>"What?!"
>your eyes become very interested in the table for some reason
"I didn't like it. It was weird."
>"Weird? What, like, freaky stuff?"
"No, fuck, it was normal, I think. It was just... I didn't like it."
>"So, was it bad? Did you not get off or something?"
>you rapidly destroy three more cupcakes before answering
"I mean, I guess you could say it was bad. Like, yeah, I got off, but wasn't like, you know, strong or anything."
>Rainbow nods sagely
>"Yep. That'll do it. Honestly, I was gonna take you to a hooker when I thought you were ready. You should have waited, 'Non."
"What-no-that's not the issue here! I'm, like, I'm freaking out here, man!"
>"Freaking out? Shoot, I told Pinkie I only wanted vodka in the cupcakes!"
"No, not like dru- Wait. You had the cupcakes spiked?"
>"Just the frosting."
>shit fucking damnit
>this isn't even the first time she's gotten you with this
>you grab another cupcake, lick the frosting off of it, and set it back down
>you can't even taste the alcohol, Pinkie Pie is a fucking master at this
"Thanks, Dash."
>"No problem, buddy."
"I'm not freaking out like drugs or anything like that. I'm freaking out like... existentially or something."
>"Exi-what-now?"
"I don't even know."
>"Like you're afraid you got her pregnant or something?"
"Geez, I didn't even think about that. Can you imagine the headlines if I got Twilight Sparkle pregnant?"
>Rainbow Dash gasps
>"You slept with Twilight?!"
>FUCK
>"And it was bad?!"
"No, I mean yes, I mean, shush shush shush shush shush shush! Keep it down, fuck! Oh, hey, Twilight."
>wait a second
>Twilight Sparkle is standing just off to the side of the table
>she's got a cake in her magic
>a pony you don't recognize behind her
>and a silly little smile on her face
"Oh, um, hey there, Twilight. Have you been standing there very long?"
>Twilight drops the cake on the floor without blinking or moving in any way
>then she slides her deadened gaze upon Rainbow Dash
>"Hey, Rainbow. I was just wondering if you could show Starlight around town a little bit tonight? I have some things I need to take care of."
>without waiting for a response, Twilight telepoofs herself out of Sugarcube Corner
>Dash nods sagely
>"Yep. That'll do it."

Part 3: Ah, So Long Ago and Far Away

>three days of spaced-out solitude are interrupted by a loud banging on your door
>"Mr. 'Nonermous! We need to talk!"
>oh fuck
>it's Applejack
>"Mr. 'Nonermous! I know you know I can bust down this door!"
>fuckcuntering shitdickers
>just hang on a second you fucking apple horse
>in a moment you have the door open
>you clear your disused throat out to warm it up
"Hey there, Applejack. What's up?"
>you're about 99% you already know what's up
>"You need to talk to Twilight."
>yep
>you groan externally
"Why?"
>"Because neither one of you has shown your face outside in days. And I can think of at least two reasons why Twilight really really needs to go outside right now."
"Oh? What's up with her?"
>"Well, first off, her new student is telling me she's having a real hard time finding her way around the castle. It'd be a big help if Twilight could help her find her way around."
"Okay."
>"Also, word on the street is, her brother's wife just had her foal. Twilight's gonna get an invitation to the Crystal Empire any minute now. I don't even think she knows!"
"Oh. Yeah, that's sort of important."
>"Yeah. It is. Come on."
>in a few minutes, Applejack is banging on the door of one ugly castle
>it's Spike who answers it
>"Hey guys. Are you here to see Twilight? Because she hasn't been seeing anyone lately."
>Applejack gives him a grim look
>"She'll see us."
>Spike shrugs
>"If you say so."
>looks like he doesn't know what's going on
>that's good
>you're led up a few flights of stairs before Applejack flings open the door to Twilight's study
>"Twilight! Anon's here to talk to you!"
>you're roughly shoved in through the door
>Applejack slams the door shut, leaving you alone in the room with Twilight
>Twilight looks up from her desk, which is a mess of papers, quills, and inkpots
>"Uh, hi Anon. What did you want to talk about?"
"Twilight, Applejack told me you haven't been outside in three days."
>"What? Has it really been three days?"
>Twilight looks at a long-spent hourglass, and then at a stubby, melted candlestick, and then out the window
>"Gee, I'm sorry if I worried you, Anon. I just got so caught up in writing these friendship lessons for Starlight!"
>she proudly holds some papers up in her magic for you to see
"Oh. So you were just… busy then?"
>Twilight giggles
>"Yeah, I guess so."
"Oh. All right. I thought maybe you were worried about… you know, the other day."
>"The other…? Oh! Oh, that! No. No, don't worry about that, Anon. I was a little embarrassed walking in on you and Rainbow Dash talking, but it's fine now."
"Well, uh, that's good."
>Twilight smiles sheepishly
>"Yeah, I'm sorry, Anon. Like I said, it was my, you know, time of the year, so, uh, don't think about it too hard."
"What exactly is a 'time of the year'?"
>"Hm? Is that not a thing with humanesses?"
"I don't think so, no."
>"Oh, well, basically, It means I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry if I confused you, Anon. I thought I'd be able to handle a quick visit, but, well, you know!"
>she offers another fit of giggles
"Uh, I guess so."
>you reach for the door
>"Uh, listen, Anon. Honestly, I'd appreciate if you could just forget the whole thing. It really didn't mean anything."
"Yeah, no, totally. Forget what? I already forgot it."
>"Thanks, Anon! That's a big weight off my back, really."
"Yup. See you later."
>you slip out the door probably a bit faster than you normally would have
>Applejack is waiting for you
>"Well?"
"She'll be fine. She was just writing lessons for her new student and lost track of the time."
>"Really?"
"Yup."
>Applejack sighs
>"Well that's a relief and a half, Mr. 'Nonermous."
"Yup."
>you say that
>but somehow
>you don't feel relieved at all

Part 4: The Plan

>you're on your way out of the castle when a purple unicorn who isn't Twilight nervously rounds a corner
>"Oh, hi! You must be Anonymous."
"That's me."
>"My name is Starlight Glimmer, I'm the princess's new pupil. I don't suppose you've seen her anywhere, have you?"
"Yeah, I was just talking to her in her study. She told me she lost track of time writing lessons for you."
>"You realize I haven't seen her in three days, right?"
"Trust me, once you get to know her that sort of thing is perfectly believable."
>"Well, that's good, I guess. I mean, I saw her walk in on you and Rainbow Dash talking-"
>oh
>right
>she was following Twilight around that night
"Oh, no, she doesn't care about that."
>"Um, well, that's good. Uh, anyway, I don't suppose you know where the study is exactly?"
"Yeah, it's um…"
>you turn around and see a twisting corridor lined with identical doors
"Uh, I had Applejack take me th-"
>the orange apple pony has disappeared
"I think it's sort of… upstairs… somewhere."
>a piece of paper telepoofs in front of Starlight's face, and she catches it in her magic
>"Oh, never mind about the study. Princess Twilight wants me to meet her in the library for my first lesson now."
"Well, I'll leave you to that then."
>"You don't know where the library is, do you?"
"I can tell you how to get from Spike's room to the breakfast table."
>Starlight sighs
>"Look, Mr. Anonymous, I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing. The princess told me that she took you under her wing before."
"Yeah."
>"So… I was wondering what it was like. How's the instruction, and all that?"
>oh man
"Well… I think you could call what I had more of a test run than an actual 'instruction' or whatever. She definitely never wrote up formal lessons for me, like I just saw her doing for you."
>"Oh… so… you don't know."
"I guess not."
>"Well, thanks anyway, Anonymous. I'm going to try to find the library now."
"Good luck."
>you get a couple paces away from her when you turn around and almost shout
"It's a school of hard knocks, Glimmer. Sometimes hard feelings too. Twilight's gonna make you do a lot of shit you don't want to do. Like, shit- er, stuff, that makes your chest feel all tight and makes your knees feel all wobbly. You won't want to do it, but you'll know she's right, and she'll know you know she's right, and she'll insist until you do it."
>"Oh. That doesn't sound-"
"You gotta go along with what she says. She knows what she's doing. Twilight never turned me into some kind of friendship wizard, but I think she helped me. She'll help you too. Whatever your issue is, it won't go away, but you'll be able to deal with it."
>"Huh. You really think so?"
"Yeah. Probably."

>you're sitting on your front porch, watching the sunset filtered through the nearly-bare branches of a budding tree of some sort
>Applejack had been right
>Twilight did end up getting an invitation to the Crystal Empire
>some sort of crystal pony baptism for her new niece
>she took off in the train this afternoon with her five best friends, her number one assistant, and her new pupil
>you were left behind
>here in Ponyville
>all by yourself
>well that's only natural, of course
>you didn't exactly endear yourself to Twilight's family the last time you went up there
>it'd just be nicer if you'd taken the time to get know some ponies outside of Twilight's circle of friends beforehand
>but you're starting to get a crazy idea
>and this crazy idea is why you're sitting still here, staring at the sky
>Ponyville feels fucking stifling all of the sudden
>but Equestria is a really big place
>what if you just up and left?

Part 5: The Escape

>it's 2 AM
>fear is gone
>with the help of a little drinking anyway
>you're thinking it's about time to do this
>in fact, it's exactly time to do this
>you're already standing outside the castle
>you've decided that you're not embarking on this adventure alone
>in a quiet little town like Ponyville, even the castle is unlocked at night
>you slip on in
>the breakfast table isn't the only place you can get to in this castle
>there's one more room that you visit on a semi-regular basis here
>and it's through this short corridor here
>and just down this stairwell
>the dungeons beneath the castle have one sole occupant
>and fortunately, it's not a zebra named Rapestripe
>in a manner of speaking, the inmate in question is a rock
>or, more accurately, a crystal
"Hey, buddy!"
>Sombra's face rapidly fills the shard and snarls at you
>"GRAARRRRRRRGGHHH!"
"Sshsshhhhshshshshsh! Do you wanna get out of here or not?"
>"Grar?"
"I don't mean out of the crystal, obviously."
>"GRRRRRRAAAAG!"
"Sshshsssshshshhhhshshssh! Ssh! Ssshhh! Look, you can stay quiet and come with me, or you can stare at these dungeon walls for the next thousand years."
>"G-gragh?"
"We're sneaking out of here, tonight, you and me. We're gonna see the world. The princess has no idea."
>"Ger..."
"All right. Shut up and I'll put you in my bag."
>"Grar!"
"Well I can't exactly be seen stealing possibly the most evil artifact in existence from a princess, now can I?"
>"Grrrrr... rar."
"Good. I'll take you out when the coast is clear."
>you stick the evil crystal king into your saddlebag
>well, it was a saddlebag when you bought it
>when you try to wear it like a backpack, it ends up being some sort of double shoulder-pack
>you throw your wierd bag on your back and head
>honestly, you're not sure why you were so worried about being quiet
>Twilight is in the Crystal Empire right now for her niece's ceremony
>the castle will be completely empty once you leave it
>"Anonymous?"

>oh fuck
>it's Starlight Glimmer
"Uh... hey."
>"What are you doing here?"
"Just, you know, picking up some things that I left here."
>"At... two in the morning?"
"Yup."
>fortunately, she shouldn't know her way around the castle well enough to know that you just came up from the dungeons
>"From... the dungeon?"
>fuck shit damn motherfucking cunt nigger bitch whore
"Uh, aren't you in the Crystal Empire right now?"
>that sets something off in her
>you can see her eyes widen and sparkle
>"Oh, no. We came back from that this afternoon. It was great, you were totally right!"
"What was I right about?"
>"About listening to Princess Twilight! I didn't want to go along with it at first but it all worked out really great!"
"Oh. Yeah, good old Twilight usually knows what she's on about."
>"Mhm. The princess wanted me to meet up with an old childhood friend of mine, and now, not only did we totally reconnect, we also saved Equestria!"
"Whoah. You saved Equestria in your very first lesson?"
>she giggles
>"Yeah."
"That's good. You're gonna do really well with Twilight. Uh, anyway, I gotta go now."
>"Where are you going?"
>fuck
>do you tell her?
"Away."
>she cocks her head
>"What do you mean?"
>you sigh
"I mean, away. Like, out of town. I don't know. I just need to go somewhere."
>"Uh..."
"Look. Can you do me a big favor and just... not tell Twilight you saw me?"
>"Why?"
"Geez, Starlight, just... please don't."
>"Anonymous..."
"Okay, look. I'm not doing well here. In Ponyville, I mean. I just need some space. If Twilight catches me before I go, she's gonna talk me out of it, and I'm just gonna keep... keep ''suffocating'' here. I don't know. I might come back, once my head is sorted out."
>"You're not doing well? I don't understand. You said Princess Twilight helped you."
"She did. She saved my life. Thanks to her, I'll probably never try to kill myself ever again."
>"You... what?!"
"Yeah. Like I said, she helped me out. She helped me out a lot. But this whole friendship thing... I still don't get it. I can't handle it. Or maybe I just can't handle it with Twilight Sparkle looming over me, I don't know."
>Starlight tenatively reaches out at you with her hoof
>"Have you tried... talking to Princess Twilight about it?"
"I can't! I just can't."
>"You know, that's how I felt about talking to my old friend earlier today. Or, yesterday, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, it worked for me."
"I don't think it's the same."
>"Because of... what happened the other day?"
>geez
>on Earth, this horse would have found a better calling as a counselor than a dictator
"Yes... no, yes. Yeah. Because of what happened the other day. Among other things."
>"But you said everything was fine, regarding... that."
"No, I said Twilight was fine. That doesn't mean... look, I'm not fine. I'm leaving now. Don't tell Twilight."
>you briskly make your way to the door
>but she calls out
>"Are you sure that's what you really want?"
>you pause, halfway out the door
"Yeah, that's what I want. Look, Starlight, you remind me of Twilight in a lot of ways. I'm sure you've got a bright future with her. Don't waste any time looking for some monster who's off crying in the middle of nowhere."
>"I don't think Princess Twilight would just let a hurt friend run off like this."
"Yeah, well, here's a lesson Princess Twilight will never teach you: sometimes you need to leave your friends alone."

>well
>you begin walking toward the train station
>that's finally over
>thank fuck Twilight didn't wake up
>you just hope Starlight listens to you and doesn't tell Twilight about this
>with any luck, it'll be a good couple days before anyone even notices you're gone
>all you ever did for bits was little odd jobs that six foot bipeds with hands were well-suited to
>lots of dusting up in those hard-to-reach corners
>and popping open pickle jars
>anyway, it's not like you had anything like regular working hours, so there won't be any nasty surprises for anyone in the morning
>unless someone realizes Sombra is gone
>fuck
>why did you think it was a good idea to steal him again?
>it's too late to put him back now of course
>anyway, even if Starlight does tell Twilight about what happened, you still have one ironclad defense against discovery:
>you never told her where you were going
>actually, where are you going?
>fuck, are there even any trains at the station at this time of night?
>geez, you'd feel like such a faggot if you were still in town in the morning after the conversation you just had with Twilight's new star pupil
>the station comes into view
>and thank fuck
>there's one train there
>you can probably make it if you run
>you make it into the station just as a conductor pony with massive sideburns calls out "All aboard!"
>without bothering to check where the train is headed, you jog onboard and take a seat
>you've got a nice, big, empty car to yourself
>perfect
>in a moment an attendant comes by to collect the train fare
>you hand him some bits from your bag
>and you drift off to sleep

ACT II: Stairs of Salt-Licks
Part 1: So is This a Western Now?

>a sound like hissing coaxes you to wakefulness
>you seem to be on some sort of trail
>outside the windows you can see an arid, desert wasteland sliding by at a slowing pace
>oh shit
>you really did it now, huh?
>the door to your cabin slides open
>the conductor pony walks
>"Sir, we are now reaching our last stop. I'm afraid you'll have to get off here."
"Yeah, okay. Uh, where are we right now?"
>"We're headed toward Picacholt, the westernmost town in Equestria."
"Huh. I've never been out west before. You know anything about this place?"
>"Not so much about the Picacho, sir, but I know a little bit about the area from when I tried my hoof at prospecting up in Marenberg."
>he points at a muddy river flowing across the landscape
>"You follow that river upstream from here maybe a day or so, that's where Marenberg is. And no. prospecting isn't very good in case you were wondering."
>he points out another window
>"Out a bit east you'll find Appleoosa. It's a fairly new town, and they're still having a few spats with buffalo folk. And out a bit northeast is Dodge Junction. Real good folk there. Real good cherry farming too."
>finally, he gestures at the window behind you
>"And way down south, sir, is Kluge City. Kluge isn't part of Equestria. I'd stay away if I were you. From what I've heard it's full of monsters. Er, no offense."
>huh?
>oh, right
>you're not the dominant species in this world
"None taken."
>hissing turns to screeching
>the train is slowing very quickly now
>there's a little town made of simple wooden buildings outside
>"Well, sir, this is your stop. Good luck in those gold fields!"
>the train stops
>you step onto the platform and are greeted with an ornery look from an elderly loafer with a bottle in his hoof
>fuck man
>you really don't have any sort of plan at all, do you?

>the town is full of sand and wooden buildings and ponies with cowboy hats
>you do receive a good deal of funny looks
>considering what the conductor pony said about the town full of monsters not too far from here, you're probably not the first unidentifiable creature these ponies have seen
>considering the glares you're getting, they probably haven't had a lot of good experiences with unidentifiable creatures
>you spot a building with the word "HOTEL" written on it in horse hieroglyphics and start heading toward it
>you figure the first thing you want to do is establish a "home base" you can go to while you figure out what to do
>also, Sombra probably wants out of your bag now
>but before you can make it inside, the big stallions block your path
>well, big by little pony standards anyway
>these guys look like trouble
>you can tell because their cowboy hats are black
>the one in the middle, a fellow with a splotchy beige-and-brown coat and a big black mustache, speaks up first
>"We don't cotton to freaks 'round these parts."
>all right, Anon
>act cool
"Huh? Cotton? Nope, uh, no, no need for, uh, cottonning."
>damnit
>act cooler
>"You makin' fun of me?"
"No, no way, man. I'm just a, uh, traveler. Just passing through on my, you know, travels."
>"Oh yeah?"
"Yep."
>"Why don't you travel your face into my hoof?"
"What?"
>"Taste the pain!"
>before you know it, the pony before you has whirled around and is bucking his back hooves at you
>you jump back and raise your hands
>one of the hooves lands in your hand
>your arm jerks violently at this, sending the evil cowboy pony tumbling to the ground
>his henchponies are bristling
>"You durned monster! You knocked down our pard!"
"Now hang on a minute, it was an accident I-"
>while the first henchpony was coming up in front of you, the second one apparently snuck up from behind
>you trip over this second henchpony backing away from the first
>the fallen henchpony lies dazed under your weight
>your last opponent rears up over you and comes down as hard as he can
>instinctively, your arms come up and take the brunt of the impact
>and it hurts
>your arms flail about, throwing the henchpony off of you and into the wall of the hotel
>you scramble to your feel, hyperventilating and looking around rapidly
>your panic is cut short by a hoof poking your leg
>a yellow mare with a green mane is smiling slyly up at you with green eyes
>"You look like you need a bed and some work, mister."
"Uh, yeah. I guess so."
>"You know, we usually don't like monsters 'round these parts, but if you promise to stand up to Piebald and his thugs like that every time they bother you, I'll let you come be a hand on my farm."
"Who?"
>the mare rolls her eyes
>"The bad guys you just beat up."
"What? Beat up? I just… oh."
>seeing the three groaning desperados on the ground, it does in fact seem that you have beaten them up
>advantages of being a six-foot biped who's spent the past year working out with one of Equestria's top athletes you suppose
>that and being a fucking awkward klutz
"Uh, yeah, sure. I can do that."
>"Sounds good. I'm sure my brother'll let you work for us after he hears what you did here. My name's Apple Fritter, by the way."
"I'm Anonymous."

Part 2: Stallion's Work

>Apple Fritter smirks
>"I know."
"What?"
>"I go up to Ponyville all the time, Mr. Nonermous. I dunno if you've noticed, but you're kinda hard to miss."
"Well, yeah, I guess."
>"Come walk with me, Mr. Nonermous. We'll see if we can't start puttin' bits in your pocket today."
"Sounds like a scam."
>"Ain't no scam, just good hard work."
>the two of you make your way through Picacholt
>folks roll their eyes and shake their heads when they see you
>it's better than ornery glares you guess
>why does she keep bumping into your legs?
>"So, Mr. Nonermous, what brings you from Ponyville to our little corner of the country?"
"Just seeing the world, I guess."
>"Oh? Not here looking for gold?"
"I wasn't planning on it. Is there a lot of gold in this area? The conductor on the train was talking about it too."
>"Not so much anymore. Or at least, there ain't hardly no ponies looking for it anymore. The river here was popular with panners, but all it's good for now is watering my apple trees. I think there were a few mines in the plains outside of town when I was little, but I don't hear about those anymore."
"Huh."
>"'Course, we let farmhands go panning in the part of the river on our property for free. There's probably a few flecks still floating around."
"Nice benefits. How's your dental plan?"
>"We'll knock you out with a shovel and use a little hoof-drill to fix any cavities you get."
"Whoah, geez, really?"
>Apple Fritter scoffs
>"No. Who ever heard of dentists in the wild west?"
"Now that you mention it, I guess I sure haven't."
>you're stepping into a field lined with rows and rows of apple trees
>"Here we are. Hi, Dismule!"
>a magnanimous-looking mule waves at Apple Fritter from under the bushel of apples on his back
>Apple Fritter whispers confidentially to you
>"That's Dismule. Mind that you don't call him a mule, 'cause he's a burro. That's 'donkey' for eastern folks like yourself."
>ah
>a magnanimous-looking burro waves at Apple Fritter, then
>"Oh, and there's Jonagold outside the barn right now."
>a big stallion the same colors as Apple Fritter is bucking an apple tree, the same way you've seen Applejack do
>Apple Fritter hollers and waves at him
>you can hear his exhasperated groan from yards away
>he makes his way over
>"Apple Fritter, what's this?"
>"Big brother, meet Anonymous. He wants to work on our farm."
>Jonagold sighs
>"You know I don't like monsters on the farm Apple Fritter."
>"He's from Ponyville, not Kluge. I don't think he's actually monster-folk. Besides, he already beat up Piebald for me."
>the change in Jonagold is pretty sudden
>really, he goes from "annoyed older brother" to "friendly country bro" just like that
>"Is that right? You whipped Piebald?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."
>it's true
>but he doesn't need to know how exactly you pulled that off
>"Shoot. Well…"
>Apple Fritter is giving her brother a wide, toothy smile and nodding
>Jonagold shakes his head
>"Well all right. Those claws of yours look like they'd be pretty good with a quill. I could always use an accountant."
>hold the fuck up
>did he just say 'accountant'?

"Uh, accountant?"
>"Yeah. You know, the feller who does the paperwork and the mathematics and all that."
"I know what it is, I just…"
>"What?"
"It doesn't really feel like the kind of job you apply for at a farm in the wild west."
>"Oh? Hoping for some stallion's work then, huh?"
"Yeah… Yeah. I think I was hoping for some stallion's work."
>or 'man's work', considering your species
>but now's not the time for autism
>"Well, you came from Ponyville, right?" 
"Yeah."
>"And where were you before that?"
>that's always a complicated question for you to answer
>assuming that Twilight's theories of distant planets and alternate realities aren't what Jonagold wants to hear, the best way to word it is probably…
"Well, it was a city, I guess."
>"Wasn't Kluge, was it?"
"No. Never been there. Never even heard of it before today."
>"Well, working in the desert is gonna be a lot harder than anything you've ever done before. I don't know if-"
"I'll be fine."
>"Well, there is one job that needs doing."
>Apple Fritter whines
>"Jonagold, why you always gotta-"
>"Quiet you. Go buck some apples or something."
>Apple Fritter sighs and trots off
>you're really not sure what's going on

>down by the river
>there is what appears to be an old-fashioned well pump
>except instead of a well, it seems to draw from the river
>and instead of pouring the water out of a spigot, the pump is connected to pipes which go under the sand
>the big heavy cast-iron handle looks about normal though
>"Well, Nonermous, this is the job. This here pump fills up ditches near the apple trees with water from the river. If you're up for it, I could use a body to pump this thing til sunset."
"Uh, yeah, I can do that."
>"You sure? It's a tough job."
"That should be fine."
>"Last feller we had on the pump went and keeled over. He's in a hospital up in Marenberg right now."
>is the sun just a little bit hotter?
>or is that just the desert?
>damnit, you didn't get to where you are in life by pussying out
>though to be fair, you're not exactly feeling like a success story right now
"W-well, uh, it's gotta be done, or no apples, right?"
>"That's a good attitude, Nonermous. Why don't you give her a few pumps, just to see how you like it?"
>the iron is hot
>it goes down with some moderate effort
>it comes back up easier
>"Yeah, that's it. Build a little speed up, it'll be easier that way."
>the resistance does indeed feel lessened when you quicken the pace
>"That's good, I can hear the water going through the pipes right now. How do you like that?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I think I can do this."
>"Good, good. I'll be back to check on you at sunset. If you get a little hot, feel free to use a little water from the river."

Part 3: Down by the River

>the sun is low in the sky
>you're pretty sure you're going to die if you spend five more minutes working this pump
>fortunately, you've spent the past two minutes watching Apple Fritter casually make her way toward the river
>she looks about two seconds away from smugging at you
>and that should help you get through these next twenty minutes or so before the sun finishes setting
>"Hey, Mr. Nonermous."
"Yup."
>"How are you still working that thing?"
"Dunno."
>"My big brother told me to go check on you. Said if you were still pumping I could keep you."
"Neat."
>"You wanna stop?"
"I really fucking wanna stop."
>"Go ahead."
>the sound you make is something like a zombie getting assraped and enjoying it way too much
>you fall to your knees
>Apple Fritter's perpetual smirk falters and fails for the first time in the whole afternoon since you met her
>it'll be a couple of hours before you realize that her little frown is pretty cute
>you're just too tired to make that kind of judgement right now
>Apple Fritter dips her foreleg into the muddy water and carresses your forehead with her wet pony fuzz
>"Sun above, Mr. Nonermous, you're hot!"
"Yeah. It's pretty hot out."
>"Why didn't you just take off all those clothes?"
"Not really appropriate for my species."
>the smirk is back
>"You ain't among your kind."
"I'd probably get sunburned."
>she does the scrunchy thing
>but with a smile instead of a frown
>this is the first time you've ever seen that
>"Sun's about to go down."
>seriously
>you're actually not going to realize what she's doing til the middle of the night tonight
>it won't keep you up or anything because you're really fucking tired
>but you're going to be really uncomfortable for about a minute
>but for now
"Eh."
>"Well at least take off that shirt. And lay down, here, right by the river. I'll splash some water on you."
"That sounds nice."
>you remember how it took you the better part of six months to get Rarity to make something resembling a t-shirt for you
>it was a big improvement over the goofy, puffy pirate shirts she gave you when you first arrived
>you're not normally one to knock free shit
>but the "plain tax" Rarity made you pay in addition to the price of the materials in labor was well worth it
>especially today
>but the shirt comes off and gets flung somewhere in the sand
>and you obediently lay your head at Apple Fritter's hooves
>Apple Fritter's ever-present smirk goes away again
>and there's a gentle little smile instead
>she lays down on her belly by your head
>dunks her foreleg into the water
>and pushes a cool wave of water over your body
>an involuntary noise escapes your lips
>Apple Fritter harrumphs
>but in a nice way
>"Like that?"
"Yup."
>"Have another."
>and another wave comes
>and another
>and another
>eventually the task of a complete sentence seems easy enough
"Hey Apple Fritter."
>"Mm hm."
"I've been wondering, didn't you say there's gold in this river?"
>"Yeah, there's a little. Why, thinking of trying out panning?"
"No. No, that's not it. It's just, isn't gold poisonous?"
>"Oh yeah. Nothing poisons a nice colt's mind or heart more than lusting for gold."
>geez
>she took a darker interpretation of that than you intended
"Yeah, there's that, but I mean, like, to eat."
>"Oh. Yeah, that's true too. What about it?"
"Is it okay to be watering apple trees with it?"
>Apple Fritter blinks
>"I dunno. Not really a problem either way though."
>she dunks her hoof in the water and reaches around
>when it comes back up, it's holding a simple wire mesh coated with sediment
>"We got a filter so the pump don't get clogged."
"Oh. That's probably wise."
>"Yep. It can be fun too."
"Oh?"
>Apple Fritter brushes the caked dirt off of the filter and grins
>"Mm hm. Because sometimes…"
>she gently pokes at something with the tip of her hoof
>"You get lucky."
>and wipes it off on your chest
>there you see a little dot of sparkling metal
>"Keep that. It's compensation."
"Don't I get paid for this in bits?"
>"Not for the work. For Jonagold messing with you."
"Messing with me?"
>"He does this to every boy I take home."
>no, really
>this statement won't mean anything to you for a number of hours
"Does what?"
>"See that wheel turning in the water over there?"
"Yeah."
>"That's something my pa thought up when I was little."
"I was kind of wondering what it was for."
>"I don't even know how he got it disconnected before you got here. Must have signaled to one of his pards or something."
"What does it do, Apple Fritter."
>"There's a little pole, we stick one end on the wheel and the other end on the pump handle."
"Oh geez."
>"It pumps the water all by itself."
>you groan
>"If it makes you feel any better, you're the first boy to pass his test. He'll probably  hook it back up tomorrow and have you do something else."
>you sigh
"Well, that's good, I guess."

Part 4: Daily Life of Cowponies

>the next morning seems to confirm that you have in fact been shit-tested
>Jonagold stops you outside of the workers' barracks in the morning
>"Hey there, Nonermous, I got good news for ya."
"Yeah?"
>"I got the water wheel working."
"Oh? What's that mean?"
>Jonagold chuckles
>"It means ya ain't gotta pump water no more. I got a better job for ya if you're interested."
"I'm interested."
>"I been thinking about those claws of yours. What with you being so tall, I figured we could put em to good use."
"Not quills?"
>"No, no, not quills. That was just me funning with you, Nonermous. I got stallion's work for ya! Er, uh, monster's- no, wait, you're not really monster-folk. What exactly are you, again?"
"We call ourselves humans."
>"'Human', huh? Ain't never heard of it, but I reckon y'all have a word for the male-types."
"Yeah, uh, that'd be 'man'."
>"Aw, this is gonna sound great. Then it's man's work I got for ya, Mr. Nonermous. 'Cause us pony-folk don't have those claws like you do."
>Jonagold takes you to a grove on the far side of the orchard
>"There! These, Mr. Nonermous, are the finest apples on the farm. Can't you just see the quality already?"
"Well, no."
>"Heh, you will. All the other apples in these orchards are gonna get bucked outta their trees. They'll end up on the ground, all bruised up and dirty. But not these ones. You're gonna pick these ones with your claws, and gently place em in that there basket Dismule is carrying."
>whoah
>where did he come from?
>the magnanimous burro waves at you
>"Mornin'"
>Jonagold grins
>"And then I'll sell em for twice the price."
>Jonagold swings his hat and does a little cowboy yell, and then trots off to leave you to your job
>and for the next couple weeks
>that's what you do, from sunup to sundown

>it's nightfall
>you've been meaning to do this
>but the workers' barracks is just too crowded
>this is a matter of some privacy
>no, you're not going to masturbate, faggot
>with your bag, you make your way into the grove you and Dismule are working on
>at this time of night, you're completely alone, and completely hidden
>you take it out of the bag
>or, him, technically
>Sombra growls as soon as you take him out of the bag
>"GRRRAAAARRGGHHH! TWO DAYS IN BAG!"
"Yeah, I know, I know. Look, man, I'm not really in a situation where I can just have you out in the open most of the time."
>you explain what the deal is to Sombra
>the wild west
>the fight outside the hotel
>the apple farm
>the workers' barracks you're sharing with about a dozen other farmhands
>Sombra grumbles
>"Get hotel room."
"You know that costs money, right?" 
>"How much you make?"
"About twelve bits every day. Why?"
>and then you're horrified
>the crystal glows blood red, and a window through space appears in the air
>it's showing you a sign on the local hotel, detailing prices
>and then it closes
>"Room is 12 bits per night."
"Holy shitniggers, you can still do magic?"
>Sombra grunts to the affirmative
>"But no hurt you. Have tried."
"Gee, that's good I guess."
>"Get hotel room. 12 bits."
"Fuck, man, that's my whole wage. What am I gonna do for food? Or to save up for when I leave this place?"
>"Gold quartz outside of town. Can smell from here."
"Is that the same thing as gold? Apple Fritter told me there wasn't much gold in these parts anymore."
>Sombra glares at you
>"Is quartz... with gold in. I know crystal, I smell lots."
"I don't know the first thing about mining for gold, you know."
>"No more bag!"
>fuck
>it'd be a pretty dick move to get him trapped in that crystal, and then trap the crystal in a bag too
"All right, all right, I'll get a room tomorrow."

>Apple Fritter has elected to come with you to pick out your room
>"You ain't got enough sense to head out into town on your own, Mr. Nonermous. You need me."
"How could you possibly know that? I've only been here for like two and a half days."
>"Mare's intuition. Also, you've only been here for like two and a half days."
"How hard could it possibly be?"
>"Hey, Apple Fritter!"
>Apple Fitter reflexively sticks her snoot way up in the air
>"Speak of the devil..."
>it's Piebald
>"Apple Fritter! Are you still keeping that monster around? You could do better than that!"
>Apple Fritter's response consists solely of a haughty harrumph
>Piebald growls
>"Hey you monster! What are you still doingt in my town? I thought I drove you out!"
"Why would you think that?"
>"Cause I whupped your hide, that's why!"
"But that isn't what happened at all."
>"Oh yeah? You wannna rematch?"
"I mean, not particularl- whoah!"
>Apple Fritter pushes your butt with her head and marches you away from the evil cowboy pony
>"Yeah, you better run!"
>Apple Fritter briskly leads you into the hotel and glares at you
>"Are you sure you wouldn't just rather live on the farm? Living out in town you're gonna have to deal with that every day."
"Look, I can't live in the barracks. I have... reasons."
>"Is this about your clothes wierdness?"
"Uh... yeah. I'm just not really comfortable getting dressed with everyone around and whatnot."
>Apple Fritter sighs
>"You really oughtta get over that."
>you scratch your head
"Eh, maybe eventually."
>Apple Fritter switches to smug mode
>"I could just let you sleep with me in my room, you know."
"Yeah... no."
>the pony at the check-in desk clears her throat
>"Excuse me, are you two here to rent a room, or not?"
>you pick out a room pretty quickly
>they're all western-themed, so it doesn't make much difference to you
>Apple Fritter insists on staying to chat for a few minutes
>so you ask her what she knows about gold mining
>"Yeah, you're gonna need a little extra change what with this dumb hotel room. Talk to Dismule, far as I know he's the only one in town still looking for gold."

>you're up in the tree, picking apples and handing them down to Dismule's basket
"Uh, hey Dismule."
>"Yup?"
"I heard you do a little gold mining. I was wondering if there was anything you could tell me."
>the old burro's ears perk all the way up
>"Sure, I'll tell ya anything you wanna know. Heck, I'll do more'n that. You wanna head out with me after workin' hours is done, I'll show ya!"

>"Awright, Noner... Anoner..."
>Dismule scratches his head
>"Hey pard, ya got a nickname or somesuch?"
"Yeah, folks in Ponyville called me Anon."
>"Anawn... Awright. Well Anawn, the sun's looking low in the sky. Seems to me like workin' hours is done. When d'you wanna head outta town to look for a lil gold?"
"I'm ready to go now if you are."
>"No ya ain't. Whar's your canteen? Ya cain't head inna the desert without a canteen."
"Oh, sure, that makes sense. I can run to the general store and get one."
>"Mmm, do that, and get yourself a stick too. Last fella like you that I knew never went outta town without one."
"Hang on. You've met someone else... like me?"
>"Sure I have. I been wandering this wasteland for near forty years now. Ya ain't the first friendly monster-fella I ever met, and the last one I knew always told me that two legs just ain't enough for desert wandering."
"So, did he look like me? Or did he just walk on two legs?"
>"Aw, naw, Anawn. Far as I know, none of you monster-folk look alike. Why? Did ya meet a fella who looked like you down in Kluge once?"
"I've never been to Kluge. I'm not actually a monster."
>"Izzat right? Wal, we'll have to chat a bit out on the plains. But for now, go and get yourself a stick and a canteen, and meet me back here."
>you and Dismule won't end up finding anything tonight
>but the old burro will prove a good and educational companion
>and you'll agree to help him mine again tomorrow night

Part 5: The Telegram

>it's been five days since you've arrived in Picacholt
>Sombra is watching you finger your first gold nugget
>it's not big
>but if you find something like this on a regular basis you'll eventually have enough bits to...
>well, your meager savings will grow somewhat
>Dismule's dream of travelling the world in luxury and settling down in a castle in Canterlot as the richest burro in Equestria is fairly well-fleshed out
>but it's not really something that you want for yourself
>largely because he's been at this for forty years
>but also...
>it's weird, just a few years ago the idea of being wealthy enough to NEET it up in luxury would have sounded great to you
>maybe the time you've already spent as a NEET had something to do with this change of heart
>even though it was hardly "in luxury"
>but there's also...
>well, the travelling part sounds all right, in theory
>it doesn't need to be in a fancy cruise liner or anything
>but you do have a vague idea of hopping onto a train to some other part of Equestria at some point
>you'll at least need enough bits for securing food and shelter when you get there, as well as enough for another train ticket in case you need to go in a hurry
>you're honestly more or less content in Picacholt for right now though
>you look up when you realize that your door is emitting a mysterious knocking sound
>Sombra gets tossed into a cabinet
>upon opening the door, you realize that the cause of the mysterious knocking sound is none other than Apple Fritter
>she's been here every night since you started staying here
>the yellow apple horse trots in past you
>grabs a bottle of cider out of your fridge
>hops onto your couch
>sprawls out
>and smugs at you
"Gee Fritter, come on in, make yourself at home, want anything to drink?"
>"Aw, thanks, Mr. Nonermous, you big sweetie, you."
>you grab a bottle of cider from the fridge yourself
"Scooch over, I'm sitting down now."
>Apple Fritter dutifully pulls herself up into a sitting position
>but as soon as you sit down, she flings herself across your lap
"Well, Apple Fritter, what brings you here tonight?"
>she takes a big sip from her cider
>from her laying down position, she dribbles a lot of it directly onto your legs
>"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh..."
>she belches loudly and wipes her snoot with her foreleg
>"I'm afraid it ain't a completely social call tonight."
"I get the feeling you would've visited anyway."
>"True. My big brother said if I got to seven nights in a row he'd dye his mane purple."
"Really?"
>"No."
>you groan
>but it was almost a funny joke
"What do you want, Apple Fritter?"
>"Mmmm... I got a telegram from my cousin today."
"Okay."
>"It was about you, Nonermous."
"Huh? Who's your cousin?"
>Fritter glares at you for a second
>then she gives you a blank smile
>"Hi, Mr. Nonermous. My name's ''Apple'' Fritter. I run an ''apple'' farm with my brother. I've seen you before because I visit ''Ponyville'' on the regular."
>suddenly, Apple Fritter's charm is lost on you
>did it just get hotter in here?
>or colder?
"Applejack."
>"Mm-hm."
>oh fuck
>oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
"What did it say?"
>"Oh, it just said to watch out for a big, monster-looking fellow who calls himself "Anonymous", and to let Applejack know if I saw him. I'm pretty sure she sent these out to the whole Apple Family."
"How big is the Apple Family?"
>"We've got a farm or two in pretty much every region in Equestria."
"Oh geez, there's nowhere I can run, is there?"
>"What are you even running from?"
>uh
>that's a tough question to answer
>you suppose there's technically a quick and easy answer to this
>but it really doesn't sound like a big deal when you try to put it into words
>fuck
>is there a cop-out you can use to both evade the question and make her stop wondering?
>you're pretty sure you're sweating now
>is this whole thing just a big overreaction?
>"Lemme guess."
>oh thank fuck
>"I can see it now, Mr. Nonermous. You and Applejack."
"Huh?"
>"It's a barnyard romance."
"No."
>"You find out she's gonna be the mother of your foal!"
"Stop."
>"So you run away to escape the responsibility, but along the way you find yourself!"
>in spite of yourself, you fail to suppress a lone chuckle
>"And in the end you come back just in time to witness the birth of your first child! And then you make sweet love to Applejack, the love of your life! And-"
"Stop! Stop stop stop stop. Can you honestly imagine that? ''Applejack'' getting caught up in moonlight serenades?"
>Fritter giggles
>"Nope. She's way too uptight."
"Yeah she is."
>"Anyway, I had a feeling you wouldn't want me to tell AJ about you, so I didn't show the telegram to Jonagold."
"Holy shit thank you so much."
>"Mmm, that's what friends are for, Mr. Nonermous. But it'll cost you."
"Oh geez. What do you want?"
>Fritter stretches out and yawns
>"I'm gonna spend the night here tonight, Mr. Nonermous."
"Oh, sure. You can take the bed, I'll just use the couch. That's fine."
>"Nope! You're gonna snuggle with me!"
"Wait now hang on a sec-"
>Fritter nuzzles her face into your belly
>"Yep... snuggle..."
>she takes in a deep breath
>and lets it out
>and
>holy fuck
>she's already snoring
>well
>that's okay
>now if you can just wriggle into a lying-down position without waking her up...

Part 6: The Salt Lick

>"Nonermous! What in the world are you doing up there?"
>you look down from the tree, an apple in one hand and a basket in the other
>Jonagold and Dismule are staring up at you
"Well, I'm working."
>"Working?! On a Sunday?!"
"Uh, am I not supposed to do that?"
>"No you ain't s'posed to work on a Sunday! You're s'posed to relax!"
>Dismule chuckles
>"Din't'cha wonder whar I was, pard?"
"Well, a little bit."
>Jonagold stomps
>"Come down outta that tree! You been working all day? Heck, it's near sunset already!"
>gracelessly, yet painlessly, you fall out of the tree
>"C'mon, Nonermous. Let's get these baskets inna the barn. Then, I'm gonna show you how folks have fun round these parts!"
"How do folks have fun around these parts?"
>"The Salt Lick!"

>the Salt Lick, apparently, is a sort of tavern at the peak of the hill that gives Picacholt its name
>and its name, apparently, is derived from what folks go there to do:
>lick salt
>with a few added minerals and spices of course
>they are horses, after all
>Jonagold takes a big lap at the salt block sitting on his plate
>"Awwww, that's real good stuff."
>Dismule is taking noisy bites out of his own salt block
>Jonagold goes in for another lick
>"Yee-ayy-yee! That's a good strong salt lick right there."
>your own salt lick goes untouched
>"Nonermous, ain't ya gonna eat your salt?"
"Yeah, uh, let me just..."
>you take the block into your hands
>and lick it
>and you drop the block
>and scream
>holy fuckcunters, that fucking burns!
>you knew it wasn't going to be pure salt
>but holy shit what is in these things?
>Jonagold chortles
>"Hey now, drink some water, ya big lightweight."
>that you do, and greedily too
>"Why don't you take a break for a little while, Nonermous?"
"Yeah. Sure."
>"Good. Try and keep your composure now, our friends are watching."
>you look in the direction Jonagold is gesturing in
>it's Piebald, talking with some other ponies and pointing at you
"Oh, geez, what does he want now?"
>"Probably just wants to tell his pards what a big dumb monster you are. I doubt if he'll start any trouble tonight."
"You sure?"
>"Yeah. But now's as good a time as any to point out one friend of his in particular for your benefit. You see that fella over there with the big black mustache?"
"Uh huh."
>"That there's Collishaw Cueball, our sherrif, and the only reason Piebald don't get in trouble for all the trouble he causes."
"The sherrif is crooked?"
>"The crookedest."
"That's not good."
>"No, it ain't good. But as long as you work for me, he won't try anything with you."
"What do you mean?"
>"Well shoot, with the gold miners all gone, my apple farm's the only thing keeping this town alive. Cueball knows it, and he knows that I know he knows it. Worst thing I could do to him is pack up and move in with my cousins in Appleoosa, and pretty soon after that there wouldn't be no more Picacholt for our poor sherrif to bully."
"Oh, well that's good."
>"What I'm getting at, Mr. Nonermous, is that I got your back. You ain't gotta worry about Piebald's trouble making keeping you from getting close to my sister."
"Huh?"
>"Well you must have noticed that Piebald is into Apple Fritter by now."
>well
>actually
>you hadn't noticed
>but it sort of makes sense when you think about it
"Uh, sure, but, what made you think I was into Apple Fritter?"
>"Well, shoot, there was the way she dragged you home, the fact that she's gone and visited you every night since you moved into that hotel room, and then there's that she went and stayed the whole night with you yesterday."
"Hey, we didn't, you know-"
>"Naw, it's fine, I don't mind."
"No, I mean, we really didn't... Would you actually be okay with that?"
>"Well, as your pard, I'd warn you that Fritter is a bit of a wildcat, but as her big brother... you're a swell fella, Mr. Nonermous. You're respectful, hard-working, and you can handle yourself in a fight. As long as there's some sorta magic you can use to put full-blooded pony foals in her, I wouldn't mind."
"Jeez, I've only known your sister all of six days. I'm not thinking about 'putting foals' in her yet."
>"Wouldn't be unwise to. Out here in the desert, life can be short. And youth's even shorter."

Part 7: Darkstar the Peg-Horned

>"You know this water is magic, right?"
"Really?"
>you've been in Picacholt for thirteen days
>on this particular Sunday, you're down at the river
>feet in the water
>and a pretty pony named Apple Fritter laying in the sand beside you
>she's tracing circles in the water with her hoof
>"Sure is."
"Well it's certainly nice water. I don't see what's so magical about it though."
>"Mr. Nonermous, don't you know anything about apples?"
"Are you about to tell me about apples?"
>"I'm about to tell you about apples."
"All right, what about apples?"
>"In most parts of the world, apples only grow in the fall."
"All right."
>"It's spring."
"I'm following you, I promise. So the apples are growing right now because there's magic in the water."
>"Yep. The apples grow year round here in Picacholt. With the gold miners moved on, that's the only way this town could survive now."
"All right. But why is the water magic?"
>"There's a story my daddy used to tell me. A little ways up north of here, this river flows through the mountain lair of an old and famous wizard."
"A wizard?"
>"Darkstar the Peg-Horned. See, a long time ago, there wasn't no law in these parts. I mean, it was worse than it is now."
>"The Princess and her sister hadn't come to Equestria yet, and Equestria hadn't come to the desert yet. They say the three tribes were just starting to come together, way out to the northeast, when this story happened."
>"There were ponies who came to settle here in those days to escape the bad winters caused by the feuding tribes. Here, folks put aside their differences and came together to survive. It was hard living, but to ponies who were sick of freezing, it was good living."
>"But the desert can turn good folks mean, same then as it is now. Darkstar was a powerful unicorn who took to taking what he wanted with his magic. The west's first outlaw."
>"'Cept, one day, he took something he shouldn't have tried to take. He kidnapped a sheriff's daughter. It was a two day walk from that town to his secret mountain lair, and Darkstar thought he'd be just fine when he tied up his prize and went to sleep under the stars that night."
>"But Darkstar didn't know that the filly's daddy the sheriff had been tracking them all day, and when he finally caught up..."
>Apple Fritter stomps her hoof into the sand as hard as she can
>"Wham! He snapped Darkstar's horn clean off. Darkstar woke up and ran off to the mountains. The sheriff untied his daughter and figured he'd seen the last of Darkstar the outlaw, but he was wrong."
>"They say he made a new horn for himself outta stone and nailed it to the base of his old one. Real smart fella, somehow it worked. They say even the Princess never figured out how to copy him."
>"He went crazy after that, and he cast all kinds of weird spells in the mountains. All the towns from those days are gone, except for Somnabula, but Darkstar's magic is still up there, keeping the wild west wild."
"Huh"
>you stroke your chin in thought
"But wouldn't that mean your apples are evil?"
>Apple Fritter pushes you into the river

Part 8: Days and Weeks Go By

>day 18 in Picacholt
>you and Dismule are done with the grove Jonagold set you to work at
>and now he's set you to work at another
>Apple Fritter is on the ground chatting with you and Dismule
>"Piebald proposed to me again today."
"You say yes?"
>a pair of yellow hooves crashes into the trunk of the tree you're sitting in, very nearly shaking you from your perch
>a number of apples fall to the ground though
"Hey careful now, you'll bruise the apples!"
>"I'll bruise your apple!"
"Geez, why the hate? What's wrong with Piebald?"
>"Beyond that he's ugly and stupid? It ain't really me that he's after."
"Oh?"
>"It's the farm. If Piebald ever got a hold of it it'd be as good as in the hooves of Collishaw Cueball."
"That wouldn't be good."
>"No, it wouldn't. But I'm worried once they figure out their plans to ''woo'' me won't work they'll try something worse."
"Like what?"
>Apple Fritter sighs
>"I dunno."

>night 21 in Picacholt
>Dismule came down with a coughing fit after work today
>you decided to take Sombra out on your nightly expedition instead
>he's always talking about all the mineral wealth he can smell out in the plains
>you figure he'll appreciate the night out
>besides, it's only fair that he contributes anyway, since he's the reason you're paying for that hotel room
>you have, of course, acquired your own tools by now, so borrowing from Dismule isn't an issue
>Sombra's nose has taken you pretty far out
>farther than you've ever gone with Dismule anyway
>and finally
"You want me to go into that dark, spooky cave?"
>"Gold quartz inside. Gemstones too"
"At the base of these mountains where an ancient magical outlaw was rumored to have conduncted unnatural sorcery?" 
>"Technically, I am ancient magical outlaw who conducted unnatural sorcery."
"Yeah but you're not scary."
>Sombra growls
"Yeah all right I'll go in the freaking cave. You can light up that crystal, right?"
>with a neat little whirr, Sombra's crystal goes on like a lightbulb
"All right, I'm going in. You'd better not steal my kidneys."
>down down into the depths of the earth
>no sooner do you take a twist that obscures the cave entrance than you stumble upon a chamber lined with gems that sparkle in Sombra's crystal-light
"Geez, you weren't kidding."
>"Gold further down."
"That's fine. It's a long walk back to town; I'll just fill up my bag here. Hopefully we'll be back in time to get five hours of sleep."
>you position your rock hammer over the nearest ruby
>Sombra's silence is kind of weirding you out for some reason
"You all right?"
>Sombra grunts
>"Beautiful."
"What, the cave?"
>"Crystals."
>you pause a moment
>"Yeah."
>and you begin your harvest
>but you stoop down to the floor and take the gemstones from the bottom
>there's more than enough on the floor alone to fill up your bag
>and the walls and roof really are just too pretty to maim
>when your bag is about half full, you stop mining for some reason
>you look at the shadow beyond Sombra's light, deeper into the bowels of the earth
"Huh."
>"Hm?"
"Nothing."

>still night 21
>soon to be the morning of day 22 though
>as you come into town, a figure waits under a lonely streetlamp
>and by streetlamp, you mean a jar full of lightning bugs sitting on top of a pole
>Equestria is so quaint sometimes
"What are you still doing up this late, Miss Apple Fritter?"
>"Just waiting for my favorite two-legged critter."
"Yeah? Hope he gets here soon."
>"Oh, he just showed up. I'm still trying to think of the best way to tell him something important."
"What's that?"
>"There's a crooked sheriff waiting for him in his home."
>hell
"I was really hoping you had something a little more fun to say."
>"Nope. Wanna go say hello?"
"Don't really have a choice, now do I?"
>"Nope. Got a gun on ya?"
"Huh?"
>"What?"
"There are guns in Equestria?"
>"Uh... yeah?"
>geez
>sometimes Equestria really isn't that quaint
"I didn't know that. I don't have one."
>"Well, let's hope he doesn't shoot us when we get there."
"You're coming?"
>"'Course. I've been waiting long enough, haven't I?"
>surprisingly, Collishaw Cueball isn't waiting for you with an old-fashioned revolver pointed at the door
>he's just plopped down pleasantly on your couch
>it's obvious he's been looking through your stuff
>drawers are open, and your meager supply of clothing is strewn about the floor
>thankfully, the locked chest you keep your gold in is untouched
>"Mr. Nonermous! You're prolly wonderin' what I'm doin' here."
"Uh, yeah, I am."
>"Well, I just got a law enforcement telegram from 
Canterlot. You wanna know what it said?"
>you really don't
"What did it say?"
>"It said to be on the lookout for a tall, two-legged critter from Ponyville who calls himself a 'human'. It said he's got a history of mental illness and violence, that he's in possession of a dangerous magical artifact, and that he may be a danger to himself and others."
"Gee, that's interesting."
>"Sure is. Now, I was just wondering what kinda critter it was you reckoned yourself. What exactly are you again, Mr. Nonermous."
"I'm uh... a man."
>"A man! Well shoot, looks like you ain't the fella after all. It's real funny though, because the telegram said this fella's name was 'A-nawn-ni-muss.' I thought for sure it mighta been you."
"Guess not."
>"Guess not! Well, I'm terrible sorry for the inconvenience now, so I guess I'll be on my way. Just remember, if you know anything about this fella, all Canterlot wants is for him to be safely returned to Ponyville, no harm done."
"I'll keep it in mind."
>"And Miss Apple Fritter, if you happen to know anything about this... critter, try not to get too close to him. I'm sure he'll get caught soon."
>with that, the sheriff disappears
>oh
>oh hell
>"Uh, Mr. Nonermous."
"What?"
>"What's this about a dangerous magical artifact?"
"Oh, he's not that dangerous."
>you pull Sombra's crystal out of your bag and show him to Apple Fritter
>he hisses at her
"Fritter, this is Sombra."
>"Sombra? That fella who tried to take over Equestria about a year ago?"
"Yeah."
>"Then you... history of mental illness and violence..."
>Fritter gasps
>"You're the fella who hit Princess Twilight!"
>oh shi-
"Well, yeah."
>Fritter grunts
>"But you made friends with the princess again, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I did."
>"But now you stole her magical artifact and ran away with it."
"I guess you could say that's true."
>"But why?"
"Look, there were no crimes or anything. I just, I just don't really know how to talk about that right now."
>Fritter stares
"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
>oh
>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm 
>Fritter stares
"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
>oh
>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm by forcing me to marry him. He really has backed off a lot since you showed up. And besides that I don't him one second when he says he just wants to send you off to Ponyville, 'no harm done'."
>Fritter sighs
>"No. I ain't turning you in, Nonermous. You're my friend, and friends stick together. Just be careful. If Collishaw Cueball ever sees that crystal it'll be all the evidence he needs to get away with whatever he wants."
>oh
>oh thank fuck
"Holy shit thank you so much Apple Fritter."
>"Yeah, don't mention it. I just hope I don't regret it too much later."

>night 25 in Picacholt
>you're on the plains with Dismule
>he's still sputtering and coughing quite a bit
>"Aw, don't worry 'bout me none, Anawn. I got just about 'nuff gold now that I'll probly head out any day now."
"Really?"
>"Oh, yeah. I'm probly awready th'richest burro in all a Equestria."
"I'll be sad to see you go, Dismule."
>"Schucks, Anawn, you'll do fine. Me, I'm getting old, and my health's failing. I gotta get outta this desert dust and heat while I still got the chance."
"You know, I always wondered, if you've already got so much gold, why are you still working the apple farm?"
>"Sun above, Anawn! I ain't goin'a blow through my gold while I'm still collecting it! I gots a budget, y'see. I already done gone and calc'lated the expenses of the travel, the castle, and the retirement. I got my gold set aside for it and I ain't goin'a even think about touching it til I'm good and ready to start my dream."
>in the distance, a sound starts low
>from the mountains, the sound starts to grow
>it's an unearthly sort of sound
>like the mountains are moaning
>when the sound grows to an unbearable volume, that's when the wind hits
>the wind is hot
>burning
>like the air has been turned to fire
>you forget your conversation with Dismule
>you forget Dismule, even
>the desert
>the gold in the distance
>the tools on your hip
>all forgotten in that wind
>and when you think you can't take any more of it
>it stops
>in an instant
>and your surroundings come back to you
"What the hell was that?"
>"Furnace winds. Don't normally gettem so early in the year. Ain't even quite May yet. Bad omen."

Part 9: Something Worse

>night 26 in Picacholt
>Dismule is too sick to go out again
>you were planning on staying in too
>but the clock strikes ten
>and you're restless
>maybe it's because Apple Fritter is visiting family in Ponyville
>even though she did promise not to talk about you
>maybe it's the fact that you've stayed up late every night for almost a month now
>or maybe it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come
>again
>fuck, the last time you felt like this you ended up going to the Crystal Empire
>and that was a shitshow and a half
>you really hope it's just the late night thing
>you grab your toolbag
>you grab Sombra too
>somehow you figure he's safer with you than he is even in your locked chest
>there's that precognisant thing again
>oh man
>well, they won't find any evil magical artifacts in your room tonight
>before you know it your on the plains
>you're far enough from the town that you can't see it anymore when you look around to make sure nobody's watching
>and you pull Sombra out of the bag
"All right bud, you said there was a good vein of gold quartz around here the other day."
>an arrow materializes in the air
>"That way."
>before long you're on the vein, chipping away at it with your rock hammer
>you get lost in your work, you forget to look around
>the chipping makes noise, enough to mask the soft sound of hooves in the sand
>but the hoof in the back of your head
>that gets your attention
>when the stars clear out of your eyes, you find yourself looking into the splotchy face of Piebald the thug
>"Well now, looks like you got a evil magic thingamajigger after all. Cueball'd be right happy to hear about this. He'd get his hooves on the apple farm right nice and easy, and you'd get sent off to get locked up in Ponyville or something."
>"'Course, that's what Cueball wants. Nobody ever asks what Piebald wants. Well what I want is to make Apple Fritter my wife. And Cueball ain't gonna help me get my hooves on Apple Fritter if he gets his hooves on the apple farm first."
>"'Sides that, you been getting too friendly with Apple Fritter for my taste. A stallion's gotta punish a monster who tries to move in on his mare, you know?"
>"Come on, say somethin'! This is your life in the balance, pard!"
>you sincerely try to throw a witty quip at the thug standing over you
>but somehow your brain isn't talking to your mouth right now
>"Can't, huh? Well, looks like it's all up to me then."
>"Tell you what. Far as Collishaw Cueball needs to know, you ran off inna the mountains and took your little crystal with ya."
>"I'll give ya a fair chance now, monster. You wake up and get someplace safe before you fry, you can go on your way. Marenberg is right over those mountains, you can take a train back to Ponyville from there."
>"Just don't come back to Picacholt. My pards'll be waitin' for ya outside of town. You won't be in no shape to fight, understand? That'll be the end of you right quick."
"W... wake up?"
>"Yep. Nighty-night!"
>your vision is filled with hooves
>then stars
>then black

ACT III: The Mastermind of Marenberg
Part 1: A Really Shitty Fucking Morning

>you're awoken by the exquisite sensation of the open wound on your forehead baking in the desert sun
>holy mother fuck
>shit like this doesn't happen in magic talking pony land
>and it sure as shit doesn't happen to you
>a thug just gave you a concussion so that a crooked sherrif would help him force someone into a marriage with him to get a hold of her land
>and now you're drying out in the desert
>isn't Apple Fritter in Ponyville now?
>what kind of ambush could she walk into when she comes back?
>they're probably going to threaten Jonagold somehow
>maybe they'll just take Jonagold out of the picture altogether
"Maybe Fritter is telling Twilight about this whole fucked up situation right now…"
>"Probably not."
>Sombra's crystal is sitting in the sand a few feet away from you
"You think so?"
>"Apple Fritter promise not give you away. Very proud, not break promise, not bring Twilight here."
"Fuck man."
>a puff of warm wind blows sand into your lacerations
>you ignore it
"So this is all my fault."
>"Pretty much."
>you stand up
>and you take Sombra into your hand
"Well I'm gonna un-fuck it. I'm gonna hop onto the next train to Ponyville, warn Apple Fritter before she comes back, and beg Twilight to use her princess powers or something to make all this right."
>"Over the mountains."
"Over the…? Oh, right, Piebald's thugs are gonna fucking kill me if I go back to Picacholt."
>"Yes."
"And the nearest town is past those mountains."
>"Yes."
"Anything else I should keep in mind?"
>"Thug tell sherrif you're going to mountains."
"Right."
>"So they look for you there. Move fast."
"Oh, that makes sense. Perfect. On the bright side, I don't think it's physically possible for my mouth to get any dryer. Let's go."

"Sh… should I stay or should I go now…"
"If I… stay there will be trouble…"
"But… but if I go it will be… double…"
>"Quiet."
"I don't… sing that bad… do I?"
>"Sound dry. And tired. Save breath. Save water."
"Shit man. I am… pretty thirsty."
>you sigh
"Apple Fritter… said the river ran through the mountains… but I don't fuckin see it…"
>"Mountains close."
"Yeah yeah… I don't see any path… where the hell do I climb up?"
>Sombra rumbles
>"Crystal… mineral… rocks…"
>the impassable wall of gravel and boulders before you shifts and uncovers a rough, yet usable trail
"Whoah… I didn't know you cared…"
>Sombra grunts
>"Have been buried for thousand years before. Didn't like."
"Makes sense… Any way you can just make… the whole mountain disappear?"
>"No."
"Figures… But why didn't you… just knock out Piebald with a rock?"
>"Can't cause harm."
"Oh… right… forgot…"
>"Go. Now."
"Yeah yeah… so do you… just not… speak in complete sentences… as a matter of… principle?"
>you've only been on the makeshift magic mountain trail for all of ten seconds when your morning gets a whole lot shittier
>for the second time in twelve hours, your head explodes with pain
>and you fall unconscious
>again

Part 2: Wait I Thought This was a Western

>you wake up in a bright white room
>oh fuck it's happening again
>you've died
>and you've been reborn into the moment you woke up in Twilight's tree castle hospital wing
>you'll have to do things better this time
>be more honest about your feelings with Twilight
>show more positivity in general
>take Twilight down to Picacholt and have her princess away all the corruption
>you wonder how many chances you'll get to make things right before your death becomes permanent
>no
>wait
>you're being fucking retarded
>you weren't strapped to a cold, metal table last year
>also, Twilight wasn't red
>oh, good
>it seems you've only been kidnapped and imprisoned in some sort of evil laboratory
>what a relief
>your captor is a mare wearing a white labcoat over her red coat
>with an iron-grey mane done up in a bun
>and with horned glasses sitting over eyes lined with deep bags
>she appears very, very old
>she cocks her eyebrow appraisingly
>"Anonymous Faggot. I see that you are awake now."
"I hope I'm not."
>your captor's wrinkled face curls into a frown
>"Ridiculous sentimentality. There is not a single situation in which is better to be unconscious than conscious."
"Even in a situation like this?"
>"Conscious, you may listen to my demands and carry them out, thus getting out of this situation more quickly."
"Oh, demands. Great. Uh, who are you, exactly? And how do you know my name again?"
>"I am Phylum Strata, the greatest mind to have ever lived. And as for how I know your name, there is very little that I do not know, especially regarding those subjects which have become public knowledge through the national news industry."
"Not the most humble heart to have ever lived, are you?"
>"False humility is itself a form of arrogance. My intellectual prowess is nothing to be humble about. Here in these mountains, I have attained a level of scientific knowledge superior even to your own world, to say nothing of Equestria."
>did this bitch just say...?
"How the hell do you know about Earthly science?"
>Phylum Strata pushes her glasses up her snout with a shriveled hoof
>"Upon your arrival in this world two years ago, a magical link between Earth and Equestria was formed. Immediately, I set about learning as much about the place as I cared to. Unfortunately, there was not much to care for, as I had already surpassed Earth's level of scientific and technological achievment."
"So... you know how I got here? You know where Earth is... relative to here?"
>Phylum Strata scowls
>"No. But only because I never had any need for such information. I could certainly find out if I had any logical reason to do so."
>the bespectacled old mare scratches her chin
>"Yes... and more importantly, I could figure out how to send you back. Assuming, of course, that you are fully cooperative with me."
>she looks at you from over her glasses
>"You would like to go home, would you not?"
>whoah
>there's a thought that hasn't crossed your mind in a long while
>would you like to go home?
>well, it doesn't make such a difference to you either way
>you never really enjoyed life on Earth
>but you've only sporadically enjoyed life in Equestria
>and with the things you've learned these past two years or so, you should be able to achieve at least that much enjoyment out of life on Earth if you ever go back
>besides, although you don't have much to go home to, you do have parents
>although you haven't spoken to them since at least a good few months before arriving in Equestria, they've probably found out by now that you've gone missing
>theoretically, that's probably caused them a good deal of distress
>at the very least, they deserve some kind of closure
>furthermore, Earth doesn't have Twilight Sparkle looming over it in a position of immense power
>so...
>there's some business you'd have to wrap up in Equestria before you could go back...
>specifically the debacle in Picacholt
>but...
>if the question is would you like to go back?
"Sure."
>Phylum Strata harrumphs
>"Depressingly sentimental. But beneficial for my purposes, so you will be rewarded."
"Great. But I can't really agree until I know what your demands are."
>"I think you'll find you don't have much choice in the matter. I know about your concerns in Picacholt, and I am holding the imprisoned Sombra hostage. Until my demands are met in full, you will see neither the world outside of my laboratory nor your companion."
>freezing cold ice blasts you from Phylum Strata's eyes
>"And should you foolishly outright refuse to assist me altogether, you will not leave my laboratory alive."

>the mad scientist Phylum Strata flicks a switch you can't see
>you didn't realize that your arms were straining upward against their restraints
>but when they come loose, your limbs fly up a few inches by reflex
>"Get up. I mean to show you your duties."
>trying to move, you realize that your clothes are stiff and crackly with the salt of dried sweat
>you'd think that if she was able to somehow rehydrate you while you were out, she might have been able to get you a change of clothes
>in your mind's eye, you see geriatric genius cocking an analytical eyebrow at your cock
>ew, no, never mind, you're glad she left she left you as you are
>you rise to your feet and follow Strata
>as she approaches the exit to the room, it opens automatically
>and you have to admit that it's pretty impressive technology for magic talking pony land
>but she doesn't look at you to see whether or not you're impressed
>instead, she briskly strides into a round room lined with six doors
>she picks one out and approaches it without a change in her pace
>this door's not so automatic
>she holds her face up to a…
>a retina scanner?
>whoah
>that's borderline advanced tech even on Earth
>the door clicks unlocked and slides open
>and inside this next room you see two tables
>on the tables is…
>something
>you don't get the chance to enter the room and see it clearly
>"Mother? Who's your new friend?"
>Phylum Strata wheels around
>she glares at something for a second
>and then
>a mask comes on
>and the cold mad scientist wears a gentle smile
>"My goodness, Raspberry Heaven. How could I have forgotten to introduce him to you?"
>a little red filly stands in the doorway of what looks like a child's bedroom
>she's almost the spitting image of Phylum Strata
>only smaller
>less wrinkled
>a fully black mane
>a more vivid red in her coat
>emotion in her eyes
>"This is your new uncle, Anonymous. He will be helping me with my work for a short while."
>Raspberry Heaven smiles and waves a little hoof at you
>"Hello, Uncle Anonymous!"
"Y-you too."
>Phylum Strata groans
>"Now, Raspberry, us grown-ups are going to work now. Go and play in your room now."
>Raspberry Heaven nods
>"Yes, mother."
>and she disappears behind the automatic sliding door
>Phylum Strata lets the mask fall and assumes her immovable blank stare once more
"So, you have a daughter?"
>"Not in the strictest sense. She is what inhabitants of your world would call a clone."
>whoah
>okay
>the successful cloning of sapient creatures is officially very impressive by any standard
"Huh. I'd expect a clone of you to be a little more… cold."
>"You have known me for all of five minutes and twenty-seven seconds, Anonymous Faggot. Do not presume to know my life's history."
>Phylum Strata adjusts her glasses with a pruny hoof
>"And if by 'cold' you mean 'objective,' I assure you I have a perfectly objective motivation for raising her the way I have. I've found that a bit of sentimentality has a positive effect on the child's health. If she grows older, I shall obliterate all sentimentality from her mind and make her my apprentice."
>wait
"If?"
>"My plans for the future are constantly in flux, Mr. Faggot. Now follow me. I shall demonstrate your duty to you in detail."

>"This room shall be your quarters, Anonymous. You are no doubt unaware of this, but quite some time has passed since I had you brought here. Outside of my laboratory, it is now dark. Sleep, and tomorrow we shall get more work done."
>you stumble into a sparse bedroom
>the automatic door slides shut behind you
>holy fuck
>your knees are shaking
>this morning you thought that outlaws acting like a Zane Grey novel was too dark for pony land
>but this
>this is too dark for anywhere
>those tables
>they held two motionless bodies
>not dead, Phylum Strata assured you
>not technically, anyway
>the good doctor had inflicted a sort of chemically-induced stasis upon them
>the older mare, on the left table, she was the one paying for this
>the duchess of somesuch or other
>almost as old as Strata herself
>the younger mare, on the right table
>she was the duchess's daughter
>you'd be surprised how many of Canterlot's nobles aren't what they seem, the good doctor informed you
>this procedure is apparently how this lab is funded
>the good doctor would do it herself, but…
>she's growing too old
>her hooves are too shaky
>even with the mechanical, fingered apparatus she invented in her younger years, she just can't hold steady enough anymore
>the reason you aren't on a vivisection table is because you're ideal to assist the good doctor in her endeavors
>because you have fingers
>because of your familiarity with higher technologies, through both everyday life on Earth and through Earthly science fiction
>though no doubt you're too poorly educated to truly understand the technologies which you took for granted
>you soon noticed the looming, metallic figures in the room
>Phylum Strata's mechanical mares
>essentially what a human would think of as a robot
>the beings she sent to capture you
>after Sombra's path-creating spell alerted her to your presence
>the mechanical mares can't be Phylum Strata's assistants, admitted the good doctor
>apparently she didn't get the idea for digital electronics until she was able to gather information from Earth
>which was only a little over two years ago
>she hasn't yet developed the processing power to host any sort of intelligence in a machine
>the mechanical mares were there to ensure that you didn't attempt to flee from your duties
>they were there to override your silly sentimentality by inflicting an objective fear of physical harm
>okay
>but what the fuck were the "duties"?
>well
>pick up that scalpel
>cut there
>pinch that shut
>slice there
>in short
>the good duchess had paid the good doctor good money for the service of having her brain removed
>and placed into the body of her daughter
>and under the watchful eyes of the mechanical mares
>you gave the good duchess what she paid for
>Phylum Strata flicked a few switches which she said would begin reviving the two
>the duchess would get to live a second life
>the daughter would most likely be locked up in some nursing home til she died of her mother's old age
>and now
>now you're supposed to sleep?

Part 3: Raspberry Heaven

>after maybe an hour or six of not sleeping, the door to your quarters slides open
>oh fuck no
>you want to hide under the small, threadbare sheet
>but the figure who steps in is neither the mad scientist nor any monstrous creation of hers
>"Uncle Anonymous?"
>it's the little one
>the clone
>Raspberry Heaven
"Uh…"
>"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep."
"Don't you have a 'mother' for this?"
>the little red filly shakes her head
>"She always keeps her door locked. And I was up wondering about you. I haven't met anyone new since I was little."
"You still are little."
>Raspberry Heaven considers this
>"That's true. Since I was very little, then."
>you sit up
>the sheets fall from your chest
"What did you want to know?"
>"First of all, what happened to your coat? You're almost completely hairless all of the sudden."
>coat?
>hairless?
>oh
"You mean my shirt? It was dirty, so I took it off to sleep."
>Raspberry cocks her head
"You know, it's clothing. Like the white jacket your mother wears."
>"I see. And where do big hairless creatures such as yourself come from? And why did you come here?"
"Uh, well…"
>it seems that Raspberry Heaven is kept largely ignorant of the sort of things Phylum Strata does
>it's probably wisest to keep it that way
"Well that's part of the reason why I'm here. I don't exactly know where I'm from. But your mother said she can help me find out."
>a little eyebrow shoots up skeptically
>"You don't know where you're from?"
"I mean, I know what place I'm from, but I don't know where it is. I don't know how I could get back if I wanted to."
>"So you want to go home?"
"Uh, I don't know. But I suppose if I can, I should."
>"How can you not know what you want?"
"Well, uh, feelings are complicated. There's probably been a time where you weren't sure if you wanted something."
>"I don't believe there has been."
"Are you sure? You never had to think for a little bit about whether you wanted chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream, or something like that?"
>Raspberry Heaven blinks
>"What's ice cream?"
"Uh, okay, well…"
>hm
>all right, this one should stump her
"Do you want me to pat your head?"
>the little red filly's ears flick up and down
>"What?"
"It's a simple question. Do you want me to take my hand and rub it on your head, or not?"
>"Um, I don't understand-"
>you cut her off by using the long reach which your alien, ape-like physiology grants you
>and placing your hand on Raspberry Heaven's head
>and rubbing
>and scratcing a little bit too
>"Um! Uh… ah!"
>you feel the warm little head press up into your palm
>"Ahhhhh…"
>finally, you take your hand away
"Well, did you want that?"
>"Um… Um… I'm not sure."
"Why don't you go to bed and think about it then? I'm sure your mother is going to make me start working early, so I'd appreciate if you let me sleep now."
>"Y-yes, Uncle Anonymous."
>Raspberry practically stumbles out the room
>you grin
>that little pony is seriously adorable

>plain oatmeal is actually a fairly common breakfast in Equestria
>naturally, of course, since ponies are, you know, ponies
>they like the taste of oats in and of themselves
>you, however, do not
>no matter how many times Rainbow Dash told you that you were ruining your oats
>you just couldn't help adding sugar and fruits
>there are no such sweeteners upon the breakfast table of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
>just plain, boiled, rolled oats
>but, really
>even though you haven't eaten in the last 24 hours
>you're not actually hungry anyway
>you're just sort of poking at the oats
>observing your companions
>Phylum Strata is alternating between taking a bite of oats
>and glaring at you
>and glaring at Raspberry Heaven
>but that's probably because Raspberry Heaven keeps stealing nervous glances at you
>you force down a spoonful of bland whole grains
>"Uncle Anonymous."
"Hm? Uh er, yeah?"
>"I think I did want it. I mean, what you did. Last night."
>Phylum Strata rolls her eyes and sighs
>oh fucking shit
>you stare wide-eyed at the mad doctor, wondering if she heard that the way it sounds
>waiting for a death laser to come and annihilate you
>"Uncle Anonymous? Did you hear me?"
"Uh, y-yeah, that's good."
>Phylum Strata takes a sip of her coffee
>she isn't looking at you any more
>holy fuck
>if she thinks you've done something indecent with her underaged clone, she sure doesn't seem to give a fuck
>"Mister Faggot, it is time for us to begin our work. Come with me. The mechanical mares will clean up after you."
"S-sure."
>"Uncle Anonymous, can I come see you again tonight?"
>nope, nevermind, that's it
>you're dead
>you're literally actually going to fucking die today
"S-sure thing, kiddo."
>"Mister Faggot, please do not delay."
"Yes, ma'am, I mean master, I mean-"
>"Phylum Strata will do. Come."
>you follow Phylum Strata into the main hub of six doors
>she leads you into another hub with three more doors
>and then she leads you into a lab
>this one seems a lot less evil than the one she had you working in yesterday
>still, you're feeling pretty apprehensive
>"Anonymous Faggot."
>okay, here it comes
>the sweet embrace of death
"Ididn'tdoanythingindecentorlewdwithyourdaughterIswearpleasedon'tvaporiseme!"
>"I know."
"O-oh. Okay."
>you probably could have handled that with a little more dignity
"I want you to know that Raspberry Heaven, in her current state, is a temporary entity. As I have told you, if she grows old enough, I shall eradicate all sentimentality from her mind and convert her to pure objectivism."
>"Thus, I am not concerned in the slightest with the notion that you may poison her mind. In fact, I see it as beneficial. One must first learn sentimentality in order to recognize it for the plague it is."
>"I understand if this situation must be pushing your feeble mind to its very limits. If the companionship of my creation keeps you sane during your time in my laboratory, then by all means, indulge yourself." 
"Gee, um-"
>"However, I would caution you against getting too attached to my creation. She is, as I have said, a temporary entity, and my plans are constantly in flux. Should I find it necessary that she should pass before you leave, it will be much easier on your mental health if you have not developed any sort of psychological dependency on her."
>okay
>there's yet another horrifying implication that'll keep you up at night
"Well, thanks for the advice."
>"You are quite welcome to it."
"Say, uh, while we're on this subject, what kind of name is Raspberry Heaven anyway?"
>the appraising eyebrow
>"It was my own name when I was her age. And it is just as suitable as any other name."

Part 4: On Carrots

>Phylum Strata flicks a switch on a console
>a screen lights up on it
>"On your world, there is a saying: The carrot, and the stick. I presume you are familiar with this idiom?"
"Yeah."
>"Do I need to remind you what the 'stick' is in your situation?"
"Nope."
>"Good. Then behold: the 'carrot.'"
>the screen comes into focus
>there is a green field
>figures walk, run, play, sit, and eat upon the lush grass
>the figures are human
>not the bug-eyed rainbow-colored "humans" Twilight showed you last year
>but real human beings just like yourself
>with peach-colored skin
>and normal-sized eyes
>"I am primarily concerned with the physical sciences. Those fields which unicorn scholars would refer to as mundane, or non-magical are the point from which I shall revolutionize this society. But in this world I cannot wholly discount the use of magic as a tool. I have discovered multiple magical artifacts in these very mountains and incorporated a number of them into certain inventions of mine, all of which are contained within this room."
>huh
>you wonder if she'd be keeping Sombra in here as well
>"It is through these semi-magical devices that I was able to detect you when you arrived in this world, and again when you had my mountain magically altered."
>there was a name Apple Fritter had mentioned
>an old wizard outlaw who lived in these mountains
"Darkstar the Peg-Horned."
>Phylum Strata cocks her eyebrow at you
>"Hm, I see you are familiar with the local superstition. Yes, an ancient wizard named Darkstar once abode in these mountains, and I do believe that he left the artifacts which I have discovered."
>the cold objectivist's expression hardens
>"Despite Darkstar's focus on the arcane sciences, I do consider him a sort of 'spiritual ancestor' of mine, so to speak. He fled to these mountains after a fit of passion ended poorly for him. I have reason to believe that when he arrived here, he trained himself in objectivity, and proceeded to focus singularly on the pursuit of knowledge."
"So you came here in a fit of passion?"
>Phylum Strata glares at you, and ignores your question
>ah, right
>can't interrupt the mad scientist while she's solliloquizing
>"If the scholars in Canterlot were half so dedicated to their science as Darkstar was, my mundane pursuits here would already be obsolete. Alas, the only pony since Darkstar to possess his objective aptitude for science is me, and as an earth pony it is my destiny to focus on the physical rather than the metaphysical."
"Makes sense."
>Phylum Strata scratches her chin
>"Though at one point I did possess the legendary 'peg-horn' of Darkstar, and with its spellcasting power I imagined I could bring about a perfect union of physical and arcane sciences. Unfortunately, it was stolen from me many years ago, and I was unable to retrieve it."
"Somebody stole something from you?"
>"Yes, but no more of that now. Though I could doubtless entrance your feeble mind for hours with tales and thoughts from my extraordinary life, it is time now for us to work."
>the scientist gestures at the console showing its scene on Earth
>"This is the device which accesses the magical link between Equestria and Earth. In order to prepare your 'carrot', it shall be necessary to make some rather extensive modifications to it. Since I have no clients today, we may as well begin here so that you may see I intend to keep my word."
>Phylum Strata flips a circuit breaker, and her console blinks off
>"Now, retrive a screwdriver from that cabinet over there. Cross-tip, and three thirty-seconds of an inch."

Part 5: On Headpats

>night time again
>not that you can tell for sure
>inside this evil lair, even the interior lighting doesn't go dark when it's time to sleep
>a much more sophisticated lighting technology than magic, flame, gas, or even Earthly lightbulbs, claimed the good doctor
>with the special use of radium, these lights won't burn out for tens of thousands of years, she said
>the only downside is that they can't be turned off or on again
>but, objectively, Phylum Strata argued, there's no rational reason why your vision should ever be obscured by darkness in the first place
>it's been a long time since you last got a full night's sleep
>not since Twilight's last visit to your home anyway
>but tonight will not be the night that changes
>you're sitting on the small, flat mattress provided for you by the mad scientist
>staring at the wall
>pretending there's a window there
>imagining a tiny Apple Fritter waving at you from far-below Picacholt
>way down near the base of the mountains
>begging you to come back
>begging you to clean up the mess you made
>the whirr of an electric moter and the sliding of fiberglass on aluminum alerts you to the presence of a visitor
>you turn around to see
"Oh, hey Razzie."
>a little red ear flicks
>"Who is 'Razzie?'"
"You are. It's a nickname."
>saucer-sized red eyes blink
>"What's a nickname?"
"Well, it's, uh, it's something folks call each other when they don't feel like saying their full names. It's something friends do sometimes, too, to show that they like each other."
>a little red head tilts
>"So, which is it in this case?"
"Huh?"
>"Am I your friend, or do you simply not want to say my full name?"
"Ah, a little of both, I guess."
>"Then... I am your friend?"
"Sure."
>"That makes me happy. Do you have a nickname, Uncle Anonymous?"
"You can call me Anon."
>"Anon... Does that mean that you're my friend?"
"Yeah. I guess it does."
>Razzie looks down and smiles
>"Mother tells me that the mechanical mares are my friends, but I can't talk with them as I do with you."
"So you wanted to talk?"
>"Um... no. I..."
>Razzie clambers onto the mattress
>"I want..."
>and she presses her way onto your lap
>"I want you to do it to me again."
>huh?
>"To pat my head. Again. I want that."
>heh
"Sure."
>your fingers find their way behind Razzie's ears
>she squeaks
>then kicks
>then sighs
>and relaxes

Part 6: Wherein Anon is Not a Hero

>judging by the number of times Phylum Strata has had the mechanical mares toss you into your quarters, it's been a week
>for the most part, you've been Strata's fingers for working on various gadgets and experiments that you only vaguely understand
>you've almost forgotten why you consider her a mad scientist
>but today you will be reminded
>"Anonymous, we have a client. Come with me into the operation room."
>you're frozen
"A client for... what?"
>"For the brain swapping procedure, what else?"
>you can't seem to move at all
>"Would you like to me to describe what happens to a body when it is tossed from a ten-thousand foot mountain?"
>you manage to clear your throat
"I'm coming."
>"How prudent."
>on the left hand table is an old, fat, brown earth pony stallion
>on the right hand table is a little, lavender unicorn filly
"H-hang on, these two don't even look related."
>"And what concern is that to me?"
"It's just... doesn't this seem wrong to you?"
>"The baron here has expressed a wish to become a little filly, and he has provided me with good money for the opportunity."
"That... doesn't make it right or wrong."
>Phylum Strata snorts
>"What would be wrong, Anonymous, would be to allow my scientific research to go underfunded. In the pursuit of knowledge, I would gladly sacrifice any number of silly little fillies."
"I really can't do this."
>"If you cannot do this, then I shall have to run experiments to determine what exactly you can do. I think I'll start with an experiment to determine whether or not you can fly."
"I guess I can't do that either."
>"We simply won't know until I test it."
>well
>it turns out that you can
>not fly, of course
>but amoral brain surgeries
>that you're apparently more than capable of
>Phylum Strata made you watch her wake them up
>made you watch the old, fat stallion's body sob like a little girl
>i-it's not your fault
>right?

Part 7: Checkers and an Aftermath

>has it been weeks?
>months?
>you've stopped keeping track of the days in your head
>you only know that it's early in the morning
>and that Raspberry Heaven is jumping up and down on top of your gut
>"Anon, wake up! I've found something!"
"Stop, stop, stop, please!"
>"Are you awake now?"
>you sit up and wheeze
"I assume so."
>"Look, I found this box. It says it's some sort of game!"
"Yeah, it does, it does. Let me see."
>sounding out the horse heiroglyphs, it says…
"Checkers."
>huh
>usually, when you find something in Equestria that's similar to something you knew on Earth, the name is changed somewhat
>and usually, that change takes the form of a horse pun
>"Checkers. Do you know this game, Anon?"
"Yeah, I think I actually do."
>Razzie throws the box open and dumps its contents onto the floor
>"Then let's play!"
>it does indeed look like the game you're familiar with
>the red and black board
>the red and black disks
>you slink onto the floor and set up the board
"Okay, it's pretty simple. You're red and I'm black. We're gonna take turns moving our pieces. You move one of your pieces one square forward, but if you're diagonal from one of my pieces you can move your piece over mine and take it. If you take all of my pieces before I take yours, you win. There are a few more rules but I'll point them out when we get there."
>"When can we start?"
"Now. You're red, so you go first."
>after about ten minutes
>you had expected to lose by now
>you figured you'd take it real easy on Razzie
>because she's a little kid
>and it's her first game of checkers
>you've refrained from taking any of her pieces
>you've plopped your pieces right next to hers so she could take them
>but
>she's really bad at this
>at this point in the game, nearly all of your pieces have been kinged
>just because you had to keep moving them forward
>she's only taken two of your pieces
>and only because you pointed out to her that she could
>currently, Raspberry Heaven is scrunched in thought, staring at the board
>you've moved six of your kings back into spaces where she could take them right now
>finally, her face lights up
>she puts her hoof over a piece
>and moves it to your edge of the board
>and looks up at you triumphantly
>"King me."
"Wow, yeah, good job, Razzie."
>whoever made this box of checkers seemed to have a scenario exactly like this in mind
>it has about double the pieces you'd need for a game
>which is good, because there are almost no captured pieces with which you could crown Razzie's first king
>you're wondering if there's a way you can quickly end the game without hurting the little filly's feelings
>when the door whirrs open
>and Phylum Strata strides in

>"Anonymous, come with me immediately. I'll allow you to eat later-"
>the geriatric genius adjusts her glasses
>"What are you doing?"
>Raspberry Heaven beams
>"Good morning, mother. We're playing checkers!"
>"I can quite see that. Where in the world did you find that?"
>Razzie looks down
>"I… found it in the caves, mother."
>Phylum Strata practically growls
>"Yes, I suppose you must have. How many times must I tell you to stay out of the caves?"
>"Um…"
>"And what is this, Raspberry Heaven? Are you… are you losing?"
>the mad doctor scrutinizes the board
>and scoffs
>"And Anonymous, I suppose that you have been 'taking it easy' on her, haven't you?"
"Uh… n-"
>"How dreadful! That a creation from my own body and brain should lose in a simple game of checkers to a simple creature like Anonymous!"
>Phylum Strata sets her face in stone
>then sets herself in front of the checkers board
>"Sit beside me, Raspberry Heaven. I shall counsel you, and you shall win."
>what happens next is almost too fast to comprehend
>Phylum Strata informs Razzie of the rule that you can move your piece multiple times in one turn for successive captures
>naturally, you hadn't gotten to that
>then she points out all the black pieces that are ready to be captured right now
>then she maps out a devestating move and directs Razzie to execute it
>one move
>"Yes. Now calculate your next attack on your own."
>something has been set off inside of Razzie
>two moves
>three moves
>it's over
>you are utterly defeated
>"Yes! Well done, Raspberry Heaven!"
>the cold objectivist begins to laugh with glee
>but catches herself
>and grunts
>and tries to get away
>but it's too late
>Raspberry Heaven is already blissfully nuzzled into her mother's chest

>Phylum Strata stares upon her creation for a moment
>and recoils
>she stands up
>backs away
>is she sweating?
>Razzie cocks her head
>"Mother?"
>Phylum Strata shakes her head
>takes a deep breath
>glances at the conquered checkers board
>glares at you
>"We've wasted quite enough time on frivolities. Come with me immediately, Anonymous. And Raspberry Heaven, I forbid you from entering the caves outside of this home."
>the good doctor is leading you toward the operation room
>fuck shitting damnit
>the mad scientist silently triggers the retinal scanner
>inside the room you behold a young stallion and a teenage colt immobilized the simulated death of Phylum Strata
>the doctor makes sure that both mechanical mares have entered the room before shutting the door
>"Squeamish as you are, Anonymous, this case should be agreeable even to you."
>"This colt here is a young marquis. His body will be paralyzed for the rest of its life."
>"This stallion here is a burglar. He was in the process of robbing the young marquis' home when he injured the marquis' spine."
>"The young marquis' parents have paid me to restore their son's normal life, at the expense of the one who took it away. Do you suppose, Anonymous, that this is a procedure that you can carry out without your normal effeminate shaking?"
"Uh…"
>"Apparently not. Well, at the very least I do expect that you can carry out this procedure without my explicit instruction. It is, after all, an extremely simple operation, and this is your third time doing it. Hopefully the lessened moral compunction in this case will only help you."
"I guess so."
>"You should hope so. I am going to attend to other business now. Should you attempt to escape this room in my absence, my mechanical mares will reduce you to a very smooth jelly. Do you understand?"
"Y-yeah…"
>the doctor considers something for a moment
>"However, should you at any point find yourself unsure of how to proceed, stop and wait for me to return. Do you understand?"
"Yeah. I understand."
>"Good."
>without another word, Phylum Strata disappears
>and you're somewhat horrified to discover
>that you can, in fact, perform the brain-swapping operation on your own by now
>at least there's some sort of justice to it this time
>right?

Part 8: The Life of All Flesh

>when Phylum Strata came back into the operation room three days ago
>she wouldn't look you in the eye with her usual appraising eyebrow
>in fact, she wouldn't look at you at all
>since then, you haven't seen her
>and you've mostly occupied your time by playing with Razzie
>not checkers, of course
>she's gotten entirely too good at checkers
>but you've taught her tag, hide-and-seek, some word games
>and she's taught you the strange role-playing games which small children are prone to inventing
>currently, you are Hovan, the great white ape
>and Razzie, with her paper sword, is the hero who must imminently slay you
"Graaaaaaggh!"
>you've been kind of bored
>Razzie's heroic one-liners are somewhat muffled due to the faux-sword in her mouth
>"Terk thert!"
>there's a flash of blinding white paper
"Ow!"
>Razzie spits out her sword
>"Anooon, I told you that apes cannot talk!"
>a thin red line is forming on your wrist where the paper sword smote you
"Oh, I got a paper cut."
>Razzie does her head-tilt
>"A paper cut?"
"Yeah, it's fine. It'll close up in a few minutes."
>a small red drop falls onto the polished chrome floor between you and Razzie
>her ears flop back
>"I did not realize that paper could be so dangerous..."
"Don't worry, it isn't."
>you allow a devilish grin to spread across your face
"And it won't stop me from gobbling you up!"
>arms outstretched, you lunge toward the disarmed hero
>"No!"
>faster than thought, the valorous filly takes up her sword and evades your lunge
>and the weapon thwacks against your knee!
"Graaagghh!"
>you fall
>and the recyclable sword is pointed directly at your throat
>"Er'll lert yer ger, erf yer prermers ter sterp gerbling erp lertl ferlies!"
"What?"
>Razzie spits out the sword
>"I said, I'll let you go, if you promise to stop gobbling up little fillies!"
>little does she know that she's fallen for your trick yet again
"Never!"
>monstrous, ape-like hands sieze Raspberry Heaven and pull her into your chest for an immobilizing hug
>and finally, gobbling sound-effects and tickling are employed to secure the victory of evil
>"Ah! Stop! Hahaha! Please! You cheated! Ah! Stop! Ha! You win! Stop!"
>triumphantly, you set the giggling Razzie on the floor
>after about a minute, she manages to suppress her laughter and begins to pout
>"You tricked me!"
"That's what bad guys do."
>and then
>as if attracted by the phrase 'bad guys'
>a haggard-looking Phylum Strata steps through the automatic sliding door
>'haggard' in the sense that she appears physically exhausted
>emotionally, she looks to be back to her normal, cold self
>"Anonymous, I am going to have something to eat. When I have finished, I will retrieve you. There is urgent work which we must start upon as soon as possible."

>when Phylum Strata re-enters the room, she hands a needle and a vial to you
>"Anonymous, take a sample of Raspberry Heaven's blood."
>Razzie's ears flick up and down a few times
>"My blood, mother?"
>"Yes. I shall need a small amount of it for my work. You may help me make sick ponies well again, Raspberry Heaven."
"Uh..."
>"Oh, don't tell me you have some sort of moral objection to needles as well, Anonymous."
>you cringe
"N-no, it's just-"
>Razzie taps on your leg
>"I don't mind, Uncle Anonymous."
"Uh, all right."
>Phylum Strata groans
>"And please do hurry."
>and with your vial of Razzie, you follow the mad doctor to a room you haven't seen before
>"Now, place that vial into that stand."
>"Now, take this micropipette, and retrieve a sample from that yellow beaker."
>"Deposit the chemical into the vial."
>"Now, afix that cover to the vial."
>gently, she takes the vial into her teeth
>and places it into a sort of circular rack
>she presses a button on the circular rack
>and it begins to spin
>when the machine finally stops spinning, the blood in the vial has separated into three layers
>Phylum Strata directs you to micropipette the top layer into the drain, and the lower two layers into their own vials
>the good doctor directs your attention to the two new vials
>"Do you realize what these vials contain, Anonymous?"
"Uh... plasma?"
>"No. Plasma was what you discarded. The yellow substance in the one vial is protein, and the clear substance in the other consists of lipid-based hormones."
"Okay."
>"I suppose the finer biological details of my reasoning would be lost on you, but I am going to attempt to isolate one specific protein, and one specific hormone. Would you like to guess what effect these two chemicals will have on the equine body?"
"Uh, to combat erectile dysfunction?"
>"How crude. No. The chemicals which I am going to isolate and synthesize will, in short, reverse the aging process to a point, and prolong youth indefinitely."
"Whoah."
>"Quite. This formula, once I perfect it, will serve as a replacement for the majority of the brain transplant procedures I perform. Objectively, it will be far more time-efficient than invasive brain surgery. And I can only imagine the sentimental meaning such a discovery would mean for a creature like you."
"Y-yeah. This sounds great."
>"It gets greater. Once I perfect my indefinite youth formula, you will be free to leave me. I will no longer have a purpose for you, as I will be able to reverse my own aging enough to become adept at operating my finger-machines once more."
"Uh... but what about... the... you know, the carrot?"
>"I have not forgotten. The machine which can send you back to Earth was perfected weeks ago. I will permit you to use it when you are ready, as we agreed."
>oh
>shit
>nigger
>you're gonna go home!

Part 8: The State of This Evil Lair

"Doc, we've been at this for 18 days. Not that your energy pills aren't brilliant, but I don't think they're working for me anymore."
>the deepening bags under Phylum Strata's eyes betray that she, too, is at last growing weary
>she growls like a fucking animal for a moment
>"Very well. My serum of youth is at least developed enough for a trial."
"Oh, good."
>"But I shall need a test subject."
"Uh…"
>"Do not flatter yourself. This serum could only affect pony tissue. Furthermore, you would be too young to show conclusive results."
"So, what are you- oh, shitniggers!"
>Phylum Strata is holding a sharp scalpel in her teeth and sinking it into her foreleg
>a perfect circle of horseflesh, about half the size of a dime, balances on the scalpel for a moment, and is flung onto a rectangular glass slide
"Uh, I thought you weren't able to do stuff like that anymore. Hence why you kidnapped me."
>the old doctor glares at you
>"I would advise you to think less on such matters. It may simply be that I judged my age to be less of a risk to my body than your squeamishness."
>may?
>"There is a roll of gauze in the cabinet on the left. Bring it to me."
>with her teeth, Phylum Strata ties the gauze around her leg
>"Now dispense a liberal amount of glucose solution onto the slide."
>"Now, with the micropipette, dispense two drops of my serum onto the slide
>"Ah, and I shall cover it with… this petri dish."
>and, just like that, the trial is underway
>in the central hub of the lair, a surprise is waiting
>Raspberry Heaven lies curled up next to a set checkers board
>at the sound of you and Phylum Strata entering, the filly stirs
>"Mother, are you finally done with your work?"
>"Not quite. My goodness, how long have you been waiting there?"
>"Um, perhaps a week. Would you like to play checkers with me, mother?"
>Phylum Strata scratches at her wattle for a moment
>"Very well. Ah, and Anonymous, I would advise you to get some sleep."
>that
>is something you intend to do

>sleep comes instantly
>you're in the desert
>furnace winds are blowing heat and sand all around
>you raise your arms defensively
>but the grains of sand are blowing right through them
>you're guessing that they're blowing right through your eyes too
>you put down your arms
>this looks like the plains outside of Picacholt
>yeah, out there in the distance, the lights of the small town shine defiantly against the nasty night
>in the opposite direction stand the mountains
>you try for a moment to pick out the lair of Phylum Strata
>but in this sandstorm, it's useless
>a voice cries out in the desert
>"Anon!"
>oh shit
>that's the last voice you want to hear
>a searchlight
>it's bright purple
>bright lavender
>almost white
>it swoops close to you
>nope nope nope
>you jump out of the light's path
>and then you see her
>in the light of her own horn, you can see that her eyes are stung red from the sand
>her mane is blowing wildly in the wind
>she takes a break from scanning the desert to cough and sputter into her foreleg
>at her side stands a pony you haven't seen before
>she's taller
>blue
>would that be Princess Luna?
>you'd better hide, boy
>uh, is there a big rock somewhere?
>or something like a…
>that giant fucking cactus!
>you leap behind it and stand as straight as possible
>and just in time
>the searchlight passes your hiding spot
>the shadow only sillhouettes the cactus
>you stick your head through the cactus for a moment
>just to look at her
>just to look at Twilight fucking Sparkle
>"Anon!"
>the big blue pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder
>says something
>Twilight says something back
>blue pony shakes her head
>Twilight scowls
>stamps her hoof
>sighs
>turns around and follows the blue pony back into town
>thank fuck
>"Anon."
>you cringe
>wheel around
>behind you stands Sombra
"Oh hey, dude."
>"Found you."
"Found me?"
>"Sensed dream magic. Followed it here."
"Dream… oh, shit, this is a dream!"
>"Yes."
"Oh good, I thought that was real."
>"Was real. Dream for you. Not for them. Magic."
"Shit, man, Twilight's getting awful close. Wait, I guess I kind of want that now."
>"She's leaving."
"Oh, fuck, yeah, let me just-"
>you leap out from behind your cactus
"Twilight!"
>fuck, they're awful far off by now
>did they stop for a moment?
>either way, it looks like they're still heading back into Picacholt
>maybe you can chase them?
>nope, never mind
>looks like whatever dream magic they were using wore off
>Twilight and her companion disappear
>the desert disappears
"Fuck!"
>you stand in a black void with Sombra
"Well, I can see that you're still here. Since you're not trapped in a shiny rock I assume you're in some kind of magic dream body or something?"
>"Yes."
"All right, where are you for real?"
>"Was moved. Thrown. Not sure. See skeletons."
"Skeletons?"
>"Yes."
"That's pretty spooky. Can you show me?"
>Sombra closes his eyes
>his horn glows blood-red
>but a pruny hoof slaps you awake
>and you're staring into the very-much-waking eyes of Phylum Strata
"Fuck!"
>"I should be the one shouting vulgarities, Anonymous. The trial was a failure."
"Was it?"
>"Yes. The tissue sample entered a state of rapid necrosis."
"Well, shit, you've got more of the serum, right? We'll just keep working on it til it's right."
>the doctor breathes a ragged breath
>"No. I will work on the serum until it is right. You will wait for further orders."
"Aye aye, doc."
>Phylum Strata shakes her head violently
>and storms out of the room
>all's not well in the state of this evil lair

Part 10: I Want to See the Sun

>you never thought you'd miss Phylum Strata ordering you to assist her in abominations of science
>but to tell the truth, you're kind of bored
>this is only the day after she disappeared into her lab without you
>you probably should be more anxious right about now
>but you seem to have burnt through all your anxiety
>you're sitting against the wall in the main hub
>Razzie is curled up on the opposite side
>a big red ball lazily rolls its way toward her
>she swats it
>and now the ball is lazily rolling to you
>at last, your sense of responsibility overcomes your apathy
>there's at least one productive thing you could be doing right now
"Hey Razzie."
>"Yes?"
"You know how to get into the caverns outside of here, don't you?"
>Razzie's head cocks
>"Yes."
"Wanna go exploring?"
>Razzie frowns
>then flops onto her back
>and finally, leaps to her hooves
>"That sounds like fun."
"Yeah?"
>"Follow me."
>wow
>you didn't have to drag that out of her at all
>Razzie must sneak out all the time
>the little red pony leads you into her bedroom
>taped to a low point on the wall is a large crayon drawing
>this Razzie carefully peels from the wall and gently sets on the floor
>"When mother first made the mechanical mares, one of them had an accident and made this hole. I never told mother about it."
>geez
>that wall only looks about half an inch thick
>but it is solid metal
>fucking scary robot horses
"Nice."
>"There used to be other ways, but mother locked them. You'll have to squeeze through here."

>it's a bit of a tight fit
>but you do make it
>all right
>if you can find skeletons, you can find Sombra
>he's gotta be out here somewhere
>you brush the cave dust off of your pants
>and see Razzie smiling sweetly at you
>oh shit
>you can't let Razzie see skeletons
>she's too little, it would spook her for life
>hang on now, think, there's gotta be a way to make this happen…
>"Um, Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"You have been outside of these caverns, right?"
"Yeah."
>"Is the sky really blue?"
>heh
"Sometimes. Some days it can be white or grey, and at night it's black. But yeah, sometimes it's blue. Sometimes it's really blue."
>"Could you show me?"
"If I could find my way out of here."
>"I think I know a way. Do you see those hoofprints?"
>it never ceases to amuse you that perfectly smooth pony hooves always leave horseshoe-shapes wherever they trod
>you spot a big mass of horseshoe-shapes in the… something… light?
>actually, how the hell is this cavern lighted?
>it's too red to be sunlight leaking in
"Yeah, over there."
>"I've followed them as far as they go, but they get to a point that I can't climb over."
"I can help with that."
>Razzie bounces and grins
>"Follow me."
>it'll be a few more days before it strikes you as odd that you never wondered what made the hoofprints
>but when you come around a corner in the cavern you see what's lighting it
>apparently mountains sometimes have deep pits inside of their caverns
>and sometimes those pits have roiling pools of red-hot magma at the bottom

>finally
>you reach a point where white light seems to shine in from just around the next corner
>"Is that the sun?"
"I think… it…"
>and there it is
>the blue sky above
>the pale yellow sands below
"Is."
>"Wow…"
"Razzie, don't look straight at the sun like that, you'll hurt your eyes."
>well, you didn't notice any skeletons on the way out here
>but at least you've found the sun
>just imagine, a little over a year or two ago you didn't think you'd care if you ever felt the sun on your face again
>in the distance, you can see a town
>would that be Picacholt?
>huh
>you could escape right now
>but what about Razzie?
>she can't climb back home on her own
>what if you took her with you?
>no, she should stay with her mother
>Doc Strata seems like she's having a change of heart
>the whole youth serum thing to replace the brain-swapping thing
>it feels like a pretty major step away from mad scientism
>in a year or so, she might even be a perfectly pleasant pony to talk to
>besides, she's about to let you go anyway
>she'll probably even just give Sombra back to you
>if you tried to escape now she might just recapture you and do something horrible to you
>and that would undo all the progress she's made
>"Anon, is it this hot everywhere outside?"
"Not everywhere. Some places actually get really cold."
>"I'd like to go there some day. I don't think I like the heat very much."
"You wanna go back inside?"
>"In a little bit. What's that thing up in the sky?"
"That's a bird."

Part 11: Pancakes

>when Phylum Strata finally emerges from her laboratory, her forelegs are covered in dozens of strips of gauze
>Razzie jumps to her hooves at the sight
>"Mother! Are you done with your work yet?"
>"Oh, Raspberry Heaven. Maybe. Probably not. Can I ever really be done with my work?"
>Razzie taps her chin with a little red hoof
>"I don't know."
"You all right, doc? You look a little, uh, cut up."
>"Don't worry about me, Anonymous. I may be rid of these wounds sooner than you think."
"So the serum… works?"
>"Oh, not quite. Do you know, Anonymous, I think I shall send you home today."
"Home?"
>"Home."
"Home home?"
>"If by that you mean, 'Earth,' then yes, home. You actually finished the transportation device quite some time ago. I never told you for fear you would use it."
"Whoah. There's still those couple of things I'd like to take care of here in Equestria, but… whoah."
>"Yes, of course, of course. I presume you should like to go to Picacholt, and then to Ponyville."
>uh
>not sure about Ponyville
>actually
>fuck it
>if you're literally never going to see her again, you might as well take the time to talk to Twilight
"Sure."
>"Good. Now first I'm going to need your help with one more task."
"What's that?"
>"Ah, we can discuss that after I make some breakfast for you and Raspberry Heaven."

"Whoah, doc, that's a lot of pancakes."
>"Is it? You are a rather large creature, and Raspberry Heaven is a growing filly."
"Well, that's true."
>"Please, both of you, eat."
>Razzie stabs a pancake
>then tilts her head
>"Mother, aren't you going to have anything to eat?"
>Phylum Strata waves a pruny hoof
>"Oh, no. This meal would be wasted on this old body."
"You know, doc, you seem different."
>"Do I?"
"Yeah. You seem awful, uh, sentimental lately."
>"Well, I suppose I would."
"Well, what happened?"
>the good doctor scratches at her chin
>"I have realized my own mortality."
>whoah
"Oh."
>Razzie pipes up
>"What is mortality?"
>a thin line of white appears underneath the doctor's irises
>"Mortality is the principle which says that all living things must die. For a body as old as mine, this must come very soon."
>whoah
>whoah
>you can't just say that to a little kid
>just look at Razzie, she's…
>thoughtfully chewing on pancakes?
>"I see."
>Razzie frowns
>"What would happen to me after you die, mother?"
>oh
>well, Razzie always was kind of weird
>"Do not worry, Raspberry Heaven. I have made arrangements for you to be taken care of for the rest of your life."
>silence reigns at the breakfast table of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
>after a while, even the sound of forks and knives clinking against plates ceases
>finally, Phylum Strata clears her throat
>"Raspberry Heaven, would you follow me? There is something I must show you."
>Razzie slides out of her chair
>and she looks up at her creator
>with great, big, red eyes
>all sparkling with wonder
>"Yes, mother."
>Phylum Strata leads her daughter into the main hub
>you follow after them
>"Anonymous, wait out here. When we are done, I shall give you your final task."
>the pair of them disappear through an automatic sliding door
>huh
>you wonder at the intricacies of Doctor Phylum Strata
>it's like she's transformed from some kind of cold psychopath
>into something almost like a friendly grandma
>was that from you?
>surely you aren't that lovable
>…
>wait
>…
>wait a second
>…
>that room Phylum Strata took Raspberry Heaven into
>isn't that
>the operation room?

Part 12: Choosing a Side

>okay
>no
>it's fine
>probably
>you feel on the verge of throwing up
>but surely
>surely
>your fears are unfounded
>the doc seemed so much like she'd changed
>although it was awful sudden
>although she did say she could fake "sentimentality" if she needed to
>although she is possibly the most intelligent creature in two worlds, and could likely easily trick you
>but surely
>surely you're just being paranoid
>things never turn out as bad as you imagine
>so Phylum Strata is alone in the operation room with Razzie
>the same operation room where she made you commit horrific atrocities
>but surely, she wouldn't subject her daughter to those same atrocities
>even though she's said that Razzie is a temporary entity
>even though she's said she's okay with sacrificing fillies on the altar of science
>but there's no way
>there's just no way
>things that exciting just don't happen to you
>you helped save the world just last year, and even that was awful anti-climatic
>you got caught up in a western just recently, and only ended up meekly getting run out of town
>no
>the choice you're afraid you're going to have to make here
>it can't be real
>it's just not your lot in life
>the door whirrs open
>"Anonymous, come in."

>what you see
>matches what you feared
>matches so exactly
>that you don't realize you're seing it for several moments
>and then your head is dunked into boiling water
>you can't stand up straight
>you can barely see
>there
>on the table
>not moving
>not breathing
>is Raspberry Heaven
>you're on your knees
"I-is she…"
>you can't say it
>"What? Dead? Of course not, how in the world could my brain survive in a dead body? You should know very well by now about my chemically-induced simulated-death."
>Phylum Strata puts her chin to her hoof
>"Though I suppose I will have to destroy her brain afterward, as a precaution."
>Phylum Strata's cutie mark is the kind you normally only see on magically-inclined unicorns
>plastered across her wrinkled old butt is an irregular field of red
>darker red than the rest of her
>the kind of red that you might see in canned berries
>the kind of red that you might see in dried blood
>on top of the field of berry-blood there are
>one
>two
>…
>eighteen stars
>not arranged into any particular shape that you can make out
>the celestial vision of a wrinkled butt
>prefigured by her birth name as Raspberry Heaven
>eager to be bloodied by the slaughter of an unbirthed daughter of that same name
>"Anonymous! Why are you staring at my flank?"

>Phylum Strata is waving a hoof in front of your unblinking face
>she groans
>"I expected this response. Anonymous, let me remind you of our agreement. Once you accomplish this small favor for me, I can send you home. I alone can send you home, and I will only do so if you abide by the terms of our agreement."
>"Furthermore, with you as my point of contact, my wealth of scientific knowledge can revolutionize Earth as well as Equestria. I alone can grant your world the things which your science fiction has caused you to dream of. Flying cars, cities on distant planets, those women with cat's ears, and much much more. Not to mention the fame and fortune which you would recieve as my liason."
>"But, Anonymous, my body is dying. I am doubtful if it will function for even one more year. I have kept it carefully concealed from you, but in the time since your arrival I have suffered no fewer than two heart attacks. My brain is yet in perfect condition, between the rigorous excercise I subject it to and the chemical substances I replenish it with, but if this body dies with my brain still in it, then my vast stores of knowledge will be lost. Forever."
>"Thus, a sacrifice is necessary. There is a pony who would not exist if I had not created her for my own benefit. In all of existence, there are only two living creatures  who have known her. She has no family or friends who will mourn her. She must be sacrificed for the greater good. I cannot be the one to place my own brain in her body, so it must be you who makes this sacrifice, Anonymous."
>"I have tried to spare her. I thought that perhaps I could find a better use for her later, and I tried to create the serum of youth to answer the question of my own mortality. But in this, I failed. For reasons I cannot yet understand, the serum only causes my tissues to putrify with horrific rapidity. With a new life, I may have time to perfect the serum and ensure that this sacrifice need not be made again. But as it is, I am out of time, and the sacrifice must be made now. And it must be made by you."
>you feel like you must be looking at the world through a glass of milk
"Doc…"
"Doc… I can't…"
>"You can."
"Razzie… Razzie's a good kid, doc. I think… I think… she's my… friend. Doc, no…"
>Phylum Strata's lip curls cruelly
>"Friend? Nothing less from the vassal of Twilight Sparkle, I suppose. So Raspberry Heaven is safe, because she is your friend, hm? Well, what of the others, whose lives you ruined at my direction? One of them was a small filly herself, not much older than Raspberry Heaven. Was she more deserving of that fate than Raspberry Heaven, merely because you did not happen to have met her before? Was the cause of the fetishist who craved her body more noble than my quest for science? Answer me."
>you're ill
>you can't even kneel now
>what she says is true
>you're lying prostrate
"Doc… you're right. I should have said no to you a long time ago. I'm sorry… I'm sorry I didn't."
>"Hypocrite! Coward! I know why you obeyed me then. I threatened you with death, and you feared me. Are you so much more brave now? Even now, my mechanical mares are in this very room, ready to end your miserable life!"
>slowly
>painfully
>you climb to your feet
>and you tower over the mad scientist Phylum Strata
>Phylum Strata, her face blackened in your shadow, roars and stalks to a nearby workbench
>there, she thrusts her hoof into a sort of metal sleeve
>and she shows it to you
>there, five mechanical fingers undulate menacingly
>"Do not presume to be prepared for the punishments of Phylum Strata! Behold, I have deceived you. I am still more than capable of operating my finger machine. The real purpose of your assistance was to prepare you for this very day."
>the false fingers of Phylum Strata flex into a fist
>"With this, I can grant you fates far worse than mere death. You know what I am capable of."
>Hi God, it's me, Anonymous.
>If I resist abomination now, will you forgive me the times I submitted to it before?
>If I lay down my life for a child now, will you forgive me the times I laid down a child's life for myself before?
>And if not, is there any way I could get into the Hell for Equestria, instead of the one for Earth?
>I'd like at least a chance to see Twilight again.
>regards, Anon
>you stretch your arms out and take a big, monstrous step toward Phylum Strata
>she shrieks
>from behind, something hard hits your head
>the mechanical mares, no doubt
>you're pretty sure they reopened the head wound they gave you when you first met them
>and then you're not sure of anything
>because the world goes black

ACT IV: Synthetic Mares of Marenberg
Part 1: Anon Almost Dies

>when you wake up, you seem to have all of your senses
>although your fingers feel pretty numb
>you've been completely immobilized with some sort of straps on a metal table
>you can't crane your neck to see if anything horrific has been done to you yet
>but
>for the time being
>you feel like you're all in one piece
>judging by the ceiling, you're still in the operation room
>you attempt to scream profanities in your terror
>but even your chin has been strapped in place, and you can't really get your mouth open
>the "shit fuck niggers" that comes out through your teeth sounds squeaky and strangled
>but it's enough to elicit a gravelly chuckle from an aged and evil scientist
>you don't see her
>but you can hear her nearby
>"I was beginning to worry I'd fouled the procedure, Anonymous. You were taking so long to wake up."
>the muffled nonsense that you spout would have been a really witty quip
>you swear, it would have been great
>well, it might have actually been frantic pleading for your life
>whichever it really was, the world may never know
>regardless, your outburst is ignored
>"I pondered what your fate should be for quite some time. In a rare moment of mercy, I decided that a fairly quick and painless death would be enough."
>oh fuck
>this is really it then, huh
>for a moment, you're shrieking and struggling
>and then you're not
>it's so readily apparent to you that survival is not a possibility
>that your survival instinct shuts down
>there's a sort of lightheaded euphoria in your brain
>is time moving slower?
>or faster?
>"Calm down. You shall not die quite yet. In further mercy, I have decided to educate you before destroying you. Knowledge is really the only good in the world, and it is better that you should have some before I send you into oblivion."
>drool and tears are somehow pooling on the table by your face
>"This knowledge may be somewhat painful for you."
>the sound of a switch flicks through your ear
>"But I assure you that, in your own small way, you will benefit from it."
>something clatters on the other side of the room
>"You shall soon see the benefits of an objectivist's education. You suppose that you've done a very good and noble thing here by placing your life on the line for Raspberry Heaven."
>honestly, the thought of how you got into this predicament hadn't even crossed your mind since you woke up
>but sure
>it's kind of comforting to know that you refused to scoop out the brains of a little kid
>"Well. I'd like you to see for yourself that Raspberry Heaven would not do the same for you."

>"Raspberry Heaven, dear, get up."
>the voice which must be Razzie's
>doesn't sound very much like Razzie
>"Mother?"
>that voice
>it's way too deep
>"Mother, I... what's happened to me?"
>"Your mother has made you big and strong, child. I need your help."
>oh fuck
>oh shit
>visions of Razzie, bloated and purple and covered in tentacles, are flashing through your mind's eye
>you failed to save the happy little filly either way then
>and now whatever she's been replaced with is going to kill you
>fuck, man
>this is psycotic
>this is horror
>why won't they just get it over with already?
>"Um, if this is me, then that over there, it must be... Anon?"
>"Yes, dear, it is. Anonymous has been very bad, and must be dealt with."
>you're straining your eyes to see what's going on
>but you just can't make it happen
>"What do you need me for, mother?"
>"I only need you to depress that switch over there. It will make Anonymous go to sleep forever. Then, I've got a very simple procedure I'd like you to do for me. We can go over the instructions after you've depressed the switch."
>oh please
>please no
>the crooked old prune
>the psychotic fucking bat
>she wants to put her brain in your body
>wants to wear your face
>she's got a portal to Earth, too
>what if your mother sees?
>it's too much to bear
>spurred on by the fear of more than just death, you grunt and thrash as much as your restraints allow
>Razzie, don't do it
>somebody
>anybody
>if this were a movie
>now would be the perfect moment for Twilight and her friends to come crashing into the lab
>to save you
>it's not going to happen though
>"Sleep... forever? You mean he'll die, mother?"
>"In a manner of speaking, yes. He would die at some point after you depressed the switch."
>"But, mother... I think... that I would be sad if Anon died."
>okay
>wait
>no
>Razzie, do it
>she'll fucking kill you if you don't
>"You will do as I say, or you will die."
>"M-mother?"
>the menacing, clanking lockstep of the mechanical mares
>"But, mother, Anon is my friend!"
>"Friend? Don't be ridiculous! There is no such thing!"
>"Mother, I don't want to do it!"
>the wrathful roar of the hoary scientist
>the clank of steel hooves
>the sound of metal striking flesh
>a terrific clatter

Part 2: You Guys All Saw This Coming Like Ten Parts Ago

>you're not really sure what's going on when your own face flashes in front of your eyes
>strong hands tear away at your bonds
>you're tossed over a shoulder
>the next few minutes are kind of a blur
>there's a lot of noise
>some lights
>some darkness
>you're wondering if maybe you've already died
>soon it becomes very hot
>eventually things calm down
>and your brain realizes that you're not about to die anymore
>the mind-numbing effects of absolute terror recede
>and you realize you're being held tightly by big arms
>with a huge hand clasped over your mouth
>holy shit
>there aren't many sapient creatures in this world bigger than you
>could this be one of those monster-folk?
>why the fuck would a giant monster break into an evil lab to rescue you?
>maybe it's going to eat you
>"Okay, Anon, I think it's safe now. Please don't be frightened."
>the big arms set you down on the ground
>for some reason, you can't seem to find a comfortable way to stand
>or sit
>you settle on a sort of semi-squat, with your fists on the ground
>you're in a shallow cave
>beyond the entrance you can see the pale, cloudless sky of the desert
>and then you spot it
>the monster that carried you off
>it's the spitting image of yourself
>except it's so much bigger than you
>the creature awkwardly waves its big hand at you
>"Hello, Anon."
>no way…
"Razzie?"
>holy shit
>your voice sounds awful squeaky
>you're clearly still recovering from your near encounter with the great beyond
>"Yes"
"Whoah. I figured the doc had done something to you, but… she turned you into a clone of me? How did she get you so much bigger than me?"
>"Um, Anon…"
"Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. That's some pretty freaky science. Heh. Heh. Heh. H-how big do you think you are? Maybe like twenty feet tall?"
>"A-Anon… Have you… looked at yourself?"
"Oh, Razzie. I'm so very afraid to."
>"You really ought to."
>for the first time in your life
>you feel the sensation of that scrunchy expression on your face
>and you look down at where your arms should be
>and there
>you see
>a pair
>of stubby
>squishy
>pony hooves

>"Anon."
>"Anon?"
>you sigh
>and look up
"You know, this is actually the second time I've looked down and seen that I'd been turned into another species."
>"Is it?"
"Yeah."
>"And you were able to change back?"
"Yeah. It was just a little magic."
>Razzie's characteristic head-cock looks weird on your head
>"What is 'magic'?"
>oh geez
>Razzie's so sheltered, she's probably the only pony in this whole world who knows less about magic than you do
>well
>she's not strictly speaking a pony right now, is she?
"I wouldn't worry about it, it's not what happened to us."
>"Oh. So how do we change back?"
"Well, I assume we'd need your mother to do that. She must have taken out our brains and swapped them."
>"But my mother wants to make you die."
"Yeah. It's a bit of a problem."
>a bird of prey shrieks in the distance
>you flop down onto the cave floor and stare up
"Hey Razzie."
>"Yes?"
"How did we get out here, exactly?"
>"Um, the mechanical mares frightened me, so I hit them until they fell down. Then I ripped up the things that were holding you down and ran away through the hole in my wall."
"Fuck."
>"What is 'fuck'?"
"Uh, it's a very bad word, don't ever say it. I'm just frustrated."
>"Why are you frustrated?"
"If I'd known I was that strong, I would have done that for you while I had the chance."
>"You didn't know?"
"Nope."
>"I don't mean to upset you, but you were very much like a giant monster."
"I noticed."
>the supreme silence of the desert reigns for a moment
>"Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"Did my mother ask you to make me die?"
>you look over at your own face
>somehow, it's easier to tell the truth to human football-eyes than it is to pony saucer eyes
"Yeah."
>"Oh."

>a shady spot in the desert holds a sort of magic to it
>not the sort of magic that splurts out of unicorn horns
>but the sort that bewitches the human mind
>it has a way of luring you into deep thought
>and from there, into total thoughtlessness
>the desert companions who allow their conversation to lapse run the risk of falling into hours of silent subconscious meditation together
>you've gotta admit, you've missed this
>that bluer sky
>that brighter sun
>"Um, Anon."
>alas
>your brain has been scooped into the body of a little filly
>and this somewhat sullies your enjoyment of nature
"Hm, yeah?"
>"What do we do now?"
>ah, fuck
>well
>it's probably time to admit that you've failed to make your own way in the world
>if this doesn't qualify as a sound defeat, you don't know what does
>good job to Twilight, looks like she was right
>actually, right about what?
>and when did you start thinking of this as a competition?
>no, this isn't a game of hide-and-seek anymore
>not while Razzie's life is hanging in the balance like this
>it's time to ask for help
"I have a friend who should be able to help us. We can head to that town down there and take a train to meet her."
>"A train! What are trains like, Anon?"
"Let's get down there and you'll find out."

Part 3: Anon Goes to Prison

>it turns out that climbing down a mountain on stubby baby pony legs is exhausting work
>so you're perched on your own shoulders, watching the town growing closer and closer
>by now, Piebald's thugs should have stopped their lookout for you
>all you gotta do is direct Razzie straight to the apple farm
>from there, it shouldn't be too hard to get a small loan for train fare out of Apple Fritter
>that is, of course, assuming that nothing terrible has happened to her
>you really have no idea how the situation in Picacholt has degenerated since you were abducted
>it would be pretty much a worst case scenario if Razzie got caught up in a gunfight for looking like you
>but the desperation of the situation drives you to boldness
>as long as it's straight to the farm, straight to the train, it should be fine
>and…
>where's the farm?
>you should be able to see it from here
>actually, where's the river the farm is on?
>the great big sign by the town finally becomes readable
>WELCOME TO MARENBERG
>fuck shit cuntdickering fucksticks
>this is the exact wrong side of the mountains
>shit man, you can't ask Razzie to climb over the mountain again, she's exhausted
>and besides that, this mountain is haunted by an evil genius with murderous robots
>but where the hell are you supposed to get the train fare now?

>finally on level ground, you're testing out your hooves for the first time
>okay
>wait
>your hooves?
>no
>you don't have hooves
>because human beings don't have hooves
>these are Razzie's hooves
>or
>are they yours right now because you're the brain in control of them?
>do you even still qualify as human?
>okay
>compromise
>for convenience of narration, you'll refer to them as your hooves
>but there should be an implicit understanding that they are NOT your hooves
>you're a man trapped in a filly's body
>wait, does that make you a tranny?
>no please fuck
>no, definitely not
>but
>does that mean that the appendages swinging above you are Razzie's hands?
>fuck
>you hate this
>okay
>same compromise there for right now
>they are NOT Razzie's hands
>they are your hands
>but for ease of narration, they'll be Razzie's hands for the time being
>usually, anyway
>holy fucking shit fillies are so little
>keeping up with Razzie's lengthy strides is frantic work
>and how do these little ponies tolerate everything being so big?
>your thoughts are interrupted when you smash face-first into your own leg
>momentarily dazed, you're forced to sit your tiny filly butt onto the coarse sand road
>"Anon? Where are we going?"
>you shake your head
"Uh, I'm not sure yet. We need to go somewhere we can make a few bits for the train ride to Ponyville."
>"Ponies give bits in return for goods and services, right?"
"Yeah, that's generally how it works."
>Razzie throws her head back and shouts to the citizens of Marenberg
>"Excuse me, is there anyone willing to exchange bits for a good or service?"
>you can't suppress a cringe
>some geezer with more bottles in his bag than teeth in his mouth shouts back
>"I'll give ya twunny fer sum good service w'that thar little'un!"
>the old drunkard laughs a "yee hee hee" kind of laugh and saunters off
>he's only being ironic, right bros?
>Razzie looks at you hopefully
>"Anon! That is exactly the cost of two train tickets, correct?"
"No!"
>"But the sign said-"
"I mean, yes, that is the cost of two train tickets, but no, that is not how we're going to get them."
>"Why not?"
"I'll explain when you're older."

>this is officially hopeless
>nobody in this whole town seems to have any use for a two-legged monster
>and the only use anyone can come up with for a little filly is "quality time"
>by the way, Razzie is starting to get frustrated with your continual refusal to do that
>if something doesn't happen soon you might have some real uncomfortable explaining to do
>"Hey now hold it right there, pard."
>blocking your path is a lithe, tan mare with a big hat on her head and a gold star on her vest
>oh shit it's the cops
>Razzie waves cheerily at the stern sherrif pony
>"Good morning, ma'am. Do you know of a place where we could exchange a good or service for some bits?"
>the policemare glares at Razzie over her big, dark sunglasses
>"'Scuse me, pard, you wanna tell me what a monster-fellar like you is doin' alone with a little filly like her?"
>"Um-"
"Hi ma'am, my name is Raspberry Heaven, and this is A-"
>wait
>just one town over there's a crooked sherrif and his henchmen on the lookout for you
>even closer than that is a mad scientist and her robots, also on the lookout for you
>and no doubt all over Equestria there are agents of the princesses looking to retrieve Sombra from you
>if you've got the choice, you'd rather explain yourself directly to Twilight, as opposed to Special Agent Glowing Nigger
"-and this is, uh, Larry."
>Razzie cocks her head at you
>"I'm Larry?"
"Of course you're Larry, Larry. Who else would you be?"
>you don't think you've ever actually met a Larry in your entire life
>who the hell would name their kid Larry these days anyway?
>the sherrif lowers her head to eye-level with yours
>"'Scuse me, li'l miss, is this here monster holdin' you 'gainst your will?"
>you wave a little hoof in front of your face
"Of course not, of course not, I-"
>the sherrif cocks an eyebrow at you
>maybe you should lay on some childish antics?
"I-in fact, I'm the one whose kidnapped him!"
>you can't tell what's going on behind those sunglasses
>but somehow
>you don't think your joke was appreciated
>the iron bars slam shut
>the sherrif walks away
>"I know'd there was summin funny 'bout you."
>you sit alone in a small, dark jail cell
"W-wait…"

>the door to the room adjacent to your cell opens
>and Razzie steps in
>"Anon, they said I can visit you now. I was really worried for a moment that Truth was going to arrest me for kidnapping you, because I look like a giant monster, but you really fooled them!"
"I sure did. Who's Truth?"
>"Truth Virey, the sherrif."
"Yeah? You make good friends with her while I was in here?"
>"Oh, yes, everyone has been very kind to me. They say I am a victim. What is a victim, by the way?"
"It's someone who gets hurt by someone else."
>"But you never hurt me."
"Exactly. Look, would you mind telling your good buddy the sherrif that I was only joking? Tell her I'm a very silly little filly who does silly things like this sometimes."
>"Oh! Of course! I assume you do not want to stay in jail."
"No, I do not."
>Razzie starts up to leave the room
>then stops
>"Um, I have one more question. Why did you call me Larry, as opposed to Anonymous?"
>you sigh
"There are some bad ponies looking for me. I don't want anyone to know my name until we're out of the west."
>"Bad ponies…"
>Razzie casts your eyes sadly down at the floor
>"You mean my mother?"
"Oh, Razzie, it's… not just her. Look I'm sorry, Im sure-"
>"When we meet your friend, will my mother go to a place like this? Like in the stories?"
"I don't know. My friend is really good at bringing out the best in people. Maybe not."
>"I don't know if I want her to go to jail."
>how do you even respond to something like that?
>you can't just tell her that her fucking mother was manipulating her for years on end for purely personal gain
>you're not even sure if that's entirely true
>but then, you were manipulated as well
>Razzie smiles a smile that's sad beyond her years
>"I will ask the sherrif to let you go now."
>for a few moments, you are alone
>and then the sherrif walks in, keys in her mouth and Razzie close behind
>the bars are unlocked and swung open for you
>the sherrif cranes her neck down and gives you a stern look over her sunglasses
>"Young lady, I hope you larnt summin today 'bout tellin' such awful jokes."
>you feel your face scrunching up again
>this bitch
>no
>stop
>calm down
"Yes, ma'am."

Part 4: Equestria Doesn't Have Child Labor Laws

>having paid your debt to society, you step outside into the desert night
>smiling at you and Razzie is a portly mare with a bright yellow coat and a magenta mane done up in a beehive
>"Hello again, Larry. And you must be little Raspberry Heaven."
>Razzie waves
>"Hello again, Merry!"
>she looks down at you
>"An- er, Razzie, this is Merry Vale. She has agreed to give us twenty bits in return for a service!"
"Oh, hello. Thank you."
>Merry Vale looks between you and the sherrif's office, and chuckles
>"Boy, that Truth Virey sure is easy to rile up, ain't she? Imagine locking up a sweet little critter like you for telling a silly little joke like that."
"Uh, well-"
>"Child, did you happen to see our sherrif's cutie mark?"
"It, uh, looked like a quill writing on a scroll."
>"The letter of the law. She's all right for keeping outlaws out, but sometimes she just ain't got any heart, or common sense."
"Yeah, I guess. What exactly is it you want us to do?"
>Merry Vale laughs uproariously
>"I like that. Larry, you're raising that filly right, with a head on her shoulders. Child, I run that little inn and eatery right over there. Tomorrow we got the big rodeo coming to town, and I sure could use a little extra help. I just need the pair of you to work for me tomorrow, and I'll be right happy to send you both on to Ponyville."
"Oh. That sounds nice."
>"It sure does. I'll even let the pair of you spend the night tonight. Come on, I got pie."

>turns out, working food service fucking sucks
>why the hell to people start restaraunts in the first place?
>Merry Vale claims to run the place all on her own most of the time
>it seems a dubious claim to you
>even just working in the kitchen, the proprietor looks to be moving in a constant whirlwind frenzy
>somehow she has a half a dozen or more meals ready for you to take to customers every time you check in with her
>this makes for a great deal of work for you
>at most, you can really only carry two meals at a time
>one plate in your mouth, and one on your back
>and that'd be a difficult enough task as it is
>but the old cook insisted you put on a little maid outfit for the occasion
>you understand now why ponies usually just go naked
>clothes feel very restrictive to your new, quadrupedal form
>Razzie, of course, is in the back washing the dishes
>the original proposition would have been for you to work in the back and Razzie in the front
>but to you, "big rodeo in town" means "ponies from all over the country in town"
>which might potentially mean "ponies you know in town"
>you really don't want anyone to recognize your face, which Razzie is wearing right now
>you haven't seen her more than a couple of times, but she seems to be doing all right
>yeah
>with your opposable thumbs
>and a back that's been hardened by vigorous workouts and long days of farm-work
>you groan
>apparently the good doctor never included gym class in Razzie's objectivist education program
>something catches your leg
>you fall flat on your face
>food flies everywhere
>"Now lookat what you done!"
>a stallion with a splotchy coat and a big black mustache is smirking at you
>when you knew him in your own body, he'd seemed ridiculous and pathetic to you
>right up until he smashed your face in anyway
>from your new point of view, however, he'd make a pretty intimidating figure even without the personal history
>Piebald gesticulates at mashed up food smeared on his loose leather vest
>"Ya done gone and made a mess of me, girl! I 'spect the meal I'm 'boutta order better be free."
"Oh, yes sir, of course sir, I'll tell the manager right away sir."
>"Hold up now, take my order first."
>a grim purpose fills your heart as you write down the evil cowboy pony's order
>this faggot's gonna eat spit for lunch

Part 5: The Un-Mares

>the sun sets
>the customers clear out
>you spend an hour or so cleaning up the dining area
>Razzie steps out of the scullery, clutching at her back
>she sprawls out into one of the chairs
>"Everything is so short, Anon. How do you stand bending over so much?"
"You gotta use your glutes, not your back."
>"What are glutes?"
"Ah, I'll show you how to squat later if we get a chance."
>"We should be back to normal soon, right?"
"Oh yeah. I give Twilight a week tops to set things right."
>"Is Twilight your friend?"
>oh, right
>Razzie wouldn't have heard of Princess Twilight, having been raised quite literally under a rock
>she'll have to get to know Twilight from scratch
>just like you did
"Yeah."
>Merry Vale makes her way out of the kitchen
>"Thanks for the help now, you two. Here's 20 bits each, just like I promised."
"Whoah, each?"
>"Oh, for sure, for sure. Buy yourself something sweet on the train, child, you hear?"
"G-gee, thanks."
>Merry Vale smiles
>"All right now, you two better make your make your way to the station to catch that train now."
"Yep, thanks for everything!"
>you start to make your way to the door
>but Razzie interrupts you
>"Um, wait, I need to use the restroom."
"Oh, yeah, yeah."
>you wait outside on the front step
>rodeo-goers walk in great herds, cheerily chatting with each other along the dirt roads of Marenberg
>but there are two mares among the crowds who catch your eye
>in later years, you won't remember the colors of their coats
>or their manes
>or their cutie marks
>only the utter stillness with which they stand
>only the eyes which stare but don't seem to see
>having noticed that you've noticed them, their mouths are twisted into smiles at the same time
>like marionettes, each one lifts a hoof and waves it
>and then
>they're walking toward you
>you get the sense of watching an imitation of living motions
>all very well studied and all technically correct
>but somehow
>lacking in a master touch
>well yeah okay so they're kind of creepy
>so what?
>people used to think you were creepy too
>well
>you do happen to have all the appearances of a small child right now
>they're getting closer
>okay, nope
>nope nope nope
>without taking your eyes off of the… mares
>you backtrack through the swinging saloon door of the restaraunt

>your flank bumps into a human leg
>"You durned monster! I'll have yer hide!"
>in the doorway to the bathroom, Piebald stands waving a revolver
"Oh, hey Razzie, I see you've been backing away from something too."
>"Yes. Why does that pony want to shoot me?"
"Uh, that's one of the bad ponies who's been looking for me."
>"Why has he been looking for you?"
"I dunno. He actually told me that if I got to Marenberg I'd be free to take a train back to Ponyville."
>a revolver shot embeds itself into the wood floor
>"What are you talking to that brat about, monster? If yer friends with her I'll… I'll have yer hide twice as bad!"
>"Now what does he have against you when you look like me?"
"Man, I dunno. He tripped me and got a free lunch out of it."
>Merry Vale stands in the door to the kitchen armed with a fying pan
"Oh, a scandal! A scandal in my home!"
>the saloon doors swing open
>the un-mares stroll inside
>Razzie sees them, and lets loose a small cry
>"Are they what you were backing away from, Anon?"
"Yup."
>in an instant, you're being manhandled by your own arm
>Razzie shoves the un-mares aside and races out the doors
>the sound of a revolver shot cracks out, and you hear something like electricity arcing
>and soon Razzie is flattened around the corner of the nearest building, holding you tightly in her arms
>"Mr. Nonermous? What are you doing with that there filly?"
>oh, fuck
>of all the shit you didn't want to see right now
"Run, run, run, run!"
>Razzie runs
>"Is that another bad pony?"
"No, that's just Applejack."
>"Will she shoot at us?"
"No, but she will nag at us."
>"What is 'nagging'?"
"You don't want to find out."
>"Hey, wait, Mr. Nonermous!"
>Piebald turns round a corner
>"Nonermous!"
>Truth Virey comes running round another corner
>"I heard someone shoutin' 'bout Nonermous the outlaw. Did you see him, Larry?"
>you point at Piebald
"He went that way!"
>the sherrif looks, and gasps
>"Piebald the outlaw! In my town?"
>all right
>now all Razzie's gotta do is outrun Applejack
>oh shit, she's gaining fast
>but there's the train!
>the un-mares walk in from opposite directions to block the train doors
>unable to stop in time, Razzie bowls them over and tumbles inside of the train
>the door snaps shut
>the engines start
>and Applejack skids to a stop just in time to avoid tripping over the un-mares
>Razzie holds you close to her chest and buries her face in her own mane
"We're safe."

"Okay Razzie, we've been on the floor for like 10 minutes now. Let's get into one of those seats before the conductor shows up."
>"Um, yes."
>Razzie releases you from her bear hug of death
>she clambers into one of the seats in a way that looks pretty awkward on a human body
>and she looks down to hide the grin on your face
>"It was just like something out of the stories."
>you climb onto the seat next to her in a way that no doubt betrays your unfamiliarity with being a tiny, quadrupedal ungulate
>good thing there's noone else in the car to stare
"Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that."
>"Is life outside always so exciting?"
"Not normally."
>"I wish that it could be."
"Be careful what you wish for. We could have gotten hurt."
>"That is true. I am being silly."
>in the reflection of the train window across from you, you witness your own body settle into a childish pensiveness
>beyond the reflection, a weird glow emanates from one of the mountains as it slides backwards in your field of view
>you wonder if it's a strange, lost magic of Darkstar the Peg-Horned
>or if it's just Phylum Strata promoting the local legend
"Hey, Razzie."
>"Hm?"
"You looked like you recognized those… mares. Do you know who they were? Or what?"
>"They are the mechanical mares."
>a coyote, sitting in the dark sands, staring at the train, motionlessly, flashes past the window in a brief moment
"How?"
>"Mother sometimes dresses them in skin and sends them into town to purchase food. It was their tracks which we followed to the outside."
"That's awful."
>you're thinking about what the cowboy grocery ponies of Marenberg must think about their silent, creepy customers
>"Yes. If they had caught us, then surely…"
>the flat, sandy plains give way to jagged, grassy ones
>"I still need to use the restroom. I never got a chance to do so in Marenberg. Excuse me."
"Yeah, yeah, go ahead."
>Razzie gets up and walks toward the little closet-sized room labelled "Stallions"
>she spends a few moments struggling to fit inside, but eventually gets the door closed
>the moon shines a sickly yellow color from its spot in the sky
>"Anon!"
>oh please, don't tell me she's in danger in there!
>you race toward the restroom door and bang on it
"Razzie, what's wrong?"
>"I need help!"
"Razzie! What's going on?"
>"How do I urinate like this?"
>good thing there's noone else in the car to stare

Part 6: Reunions, Just Not the Ones You Wanted

>the conductor shakes Razzie awake, which shakes you awake in turn
>"Excuse me, sir, weren't you getting off at Ponyville? We're there now, if you don't get up you'll have to get off at Canterlot."
"Uh, thanks, mister."
>"It's what I'm here for, young lady."
>you cringe
>hopefully Twilight can put a stop to this nonsense soon
"Come on, Razzie, I'd carry you except right now you're ten times bigger than me."
>the day is still young, a few pink tendrils of dawn still lingering in the sky
>the streets only have a small handful of ponies right now
>nobody you actually know
>though no doubt many of them recognize the hulking body that Razzie currently occupies
>it's already warm out, leading you to wonder how long exactly you'd been locked up in that mountain
>this might be like… July weather?
>so maybe it's been about a month since you were captured
>and a little over two since you've been to Ponyville
"She lives over there, Razzie. This way."
>"In that… mountain?"
"You've never seen a tree before today, have you?"
>"I thought trees were made of wood. Like those, over there."
"Yeah, they are. That thing over there is technically a castle, it's just shaped like a tree."
>"I do not like the way it looks."
"I don't think anyone does."
>you make your way up to the door
>and hesitate
>you haven't spoken to Twilight since…
>and now everything's gotten all…
>you sigh
>no
>no autism
>not today
>you knock on the door
>shortly, Spike opens it
>his eyes alight on Razzie
>and narrow
>"Oh, look who decided to show up."
>"Um…"
>"You know, you really hurt Twilight's feelings."
>"I am… sorry?"
"Um, yeah, that's part of why we're here. Can we speak to Twilight?"
>Spike glares at you
>"And who are you supposed to be?"
"That's, uh, kind of a long story."
>"Well, you just missed her. Twilight and the gang all went to some town called Marenberg to watch Applejack compete in a rodeo."
>you stamp your hoof
"Mother fuck!"
>"Whoah, you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"With this mouth? Never in all my life. Come on Razzie, let's wait by the train station. She's probably on her way back right now."

>"Why are your friend's feelings hurt?"
>the last traces of dawn have retreated from the sky, leaving it robin's-egg blue
>there's a few more ponies out and about now
>and all of them are casting you weird looks
>you sigh
"I guess it's because I left her without saying goodbye."
>"Why would you do that? Did she try to make you die?"
"No, no, no. Nothing like that. It's just, well, because she hurt my feelings too."
>"How?"
"Oh, shoot, Razzie. It's grown-up stuff. I might tell you when you're older."
>"I am older."
"I mean when your brain is older."
>"How much older?"
"I don't know. Look, it's not just grown-up stuff, it's also… private stuff."
>"You mean like love?"
"Love? I know about all that, now."
>"So you are not in love with her?"
>the train station is within sight now
>and the sound of a whistle in the distance tells you that the next train is near
"Uh, no, I don't think so."
>"Maybe she is in love with you?"
"Razzie, please, I really doubt that. Listen, sometimes people are selfish. Sometimes they just do what they want without thinking about others' feelings. That's all that happened here. It's better to forgive them when they do it, but sometimes that's hard. Sometimes, when your feelings get hurt by someone else doing something selfish, you'll do something selfish back. Not even usually as revenge, it's just because when your own feelings are hurting it's hard to remember everyone else's feelings too. Okay? Please let it go now."
>Razzie doesn't respond
"Razzie?"
>you don't even hear her walking behind you now
"Razzie? Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound…"
>you don't see her anywhere
"… harsh…"
>something pinches your neck
>and your vision begins to darken
>the last thing you see is the cold, grinning face
>of an un-mare

Part 7: The Objectivity Room

>when you wake up in the operating room of Phylum Strata, the first thing you do is try to wiggle your fingers
>success
>well
>at the very least, you'll die in your own body
>your arms and legs are tied down
>but there are no restraints on your mouth this time
"Doc! Doc!"
>"I am here, Anonymous."
"Fuck you, doc."
>"Feeling braver today, are we? I can still have you killed, you know."
>that shuts you up
>"I suppose, then, that you are still unwilling to help me."
"Yeah, I guess."
>"I still offer you your chance to go home."
"I'm not killing Razzie."
>"She does not necessarily have to die, I suppose. I could place her brain in a machine through which it could speak to you. You could even take this with you on your journeys. What do you say to that?"
"I say that sounds pretty horrific, doc."
>the doctor sighs
>"As I feared, you are hopelessly sentimental. I am afraid I will have to cure you of that."
>the table you're strapped to suddenly raises on one end
>the door to the operating room whirrs open
>and you're wheeled out into the main hub
>Phylum Strata walks alongside you
>she leads the table through a number of hubs
>until at last you come out into the caverns
>this isn't the part you were in before
>coming to a large chamber, the doctor stops, and bids the mechanical mare wheeling you around do the same
>this cavern chamber is lit up with the special radium bulbs of Phylum Strata
>and in the weird light you see
>bones
>piles
>and piles
>of misshapen
>bones
>skulls with three eye sockets
>whole skeletons with one giant foreleg
>and more
>"These are the bones upon which the life of Raspberry Heaven sits. I spent years and years before I perfected the process of replicating myself. If you saw them live, you would no doubt consider them horrible, misshapen creatures. When I created Raspberry Heaven, I stopped creating these creatures. When I built the mechanical mares, I had the ones who still lived killed. Yes, they were horrible and misshapen indeed. And very stupid as well."
>she looks you directly in the eye
>"But they were, in reality, nothing less than the elder sisters of Raspberry Heaven herself. Are you having a change of heart yet?"
"Uh… no."
>"Very well. Let us continue then."
>down
>down
>down the dark cavern corridors
>until at last you come to a quaint little wooden door
>Phylum Strata opens it, and you're wheeled inside

>"I have told you before that this mountain was once the haunt of the wizard Darkstar. This is one of the traces he left behind."
>it looks like a cozy little sitting room to you
"The decor looks a little modern for being over a thousand years old, doc."
>"Chairs and tables are much older than a thousand years. Though I have, of course, made certain renovations to this room in the interest of structural integrity."
"So, uh, what's it do? Gonna turn me into a newt or something?"
>"Your witticisms betray your terror. Your terror, however, is unfounded. This room contains neither the magic of Darkstar nor the high technology of my own creation.
"So what's the point?"
>"This room is why I believe that Darkstar educated himself in objectivity after his most famed encounter with passion."
"I don't get it."
>"You will. When I was a younger mare, I too had a painful experience with passion. A husband, a daughter, I suppose it was all a very common problem. The details do not matter. What matters is that I ran off into the desert. I found this mountain. I found this room."
>Phylum Strata jabs a pruny hoof into your side
>"Not unlike yourself."
"Wh-what?"
>"Surely, you too had some unpleasant experience with the passions before you took that fateful train ride into Picacholt. Surely, you too came to this desert to escape the painful burden of your sentiments. You had some falling out with Twilight Sparkle, no doubt. In fact, I have a recording of you all but saying so from shortly before I re-captured you in Ponyville. Ponyville, which you only returned to under the belief that you were under the greatest distress, and only because you had an immediate use for Twilight Sparkle's services."
>you swallow
>hard
>"Surely then, though you have not my intellect, you are not so very different from me. And surely, the thing that cured me of sentimentality will be the thing that cures you as well."
"And what… wh-what… what's that?"
>"This room. I recognized its properties as soon as I saw it. I gathered food and water and shut myself in here for a month."
"So, you're saying…"
>"Yes. You shall spend a mortal month in this room even as I did. The chairs are all comfortable enough, as is the bed. There is adequate space for excercise, should you choose to take it, even for a creature of your size. You shall have plenty of food, water, and air for the sustenance of your body. And at the end of this ordeal, you will be a new mind."
"And what if I'm not?"
>"When you come to understand, truly understand, that this room is really nothing more than a comfortable little sitting room, you will."
>the straps are loosened
>you slide off of the table and land in a heap on the floor
>"In approximately ten minutes, you will regain control over your limbs. Then your month will begin. I wish you nothing but the best in your transformation."
>and the quaint little wooden door
>slams shut

>okay
>so this is supposed to be like some kind of isolation chamber, right?
>it's designed to make you realize that you don't need any friends or something, right?
>heh
>dumb bitch doesn't know that you're great at spending long periods of time alone
>you stand up and stretch your legs
>then you fall into the nearest armchair
>and smile
>yes, whether it's months on end in a shithole apartment in a shithole city
>or even a year in a fucking yurt of all things, surrounded by magic talking ponies for the first time in your life
>you already know that you can go much longer than a mere month without talking to a single living soul
>you might actually be the most accomplished loner in all of Equestria
>it's true that you came out of your last period of isolation a bit weirder for wear
>actually, you came out suicidal
>even so, it took you a long time to get to that point
>a month?
>that's nothing
>and if it comes down to it, you can probably outlast the year which Phylum Strata estimates she has left to live
>all you've gotta do is channel your inner NEET
>you can do it for Razzie
>and besides, this room is actually a lot nicer than anything you've ever lived in
>yes, including that awful fucking crystal tree castle
>take this armchair, for example
>it's very comfortable
>the only thing wrong with it…
>well, it's not even really a problem
>it's just…
>one armrest is a little bit higher than the other
>hang on
>is it?
>just
>try to adjust
>no, yeah, that's a little uneven
>well, uh, that's fine
>you'll just take your arms off of the armrests and put them in your lap
>there
>perfect
>and now…
>hang on
>why is there a pointed arch over that perfectly rectangular door?
>it's just…
>well, it's just a little tacky
>that's fine though
>it's not like you ever had great taste as an interior decorator either
>hang on
>oh no
>you get up
>oh please
>you inspect the pointed arch up close
>oh fuck
>the point on the arch
>it's just the littlest bit off-center

>no, no, no
>calm down
>you're being ridiculous
>you're just… bored already
>uh
>let's find something to do
>over there is a desk
>looks like it's got a quill and inkwell sitting on top of it
>you wonder if…
>yeah
>there's paper in the drawers
>all right, you can try to write something
>just gotta find a sheet of…
>no, that one's got a corner cut off
>no, that one's cut in half
>why is this one cut into the shape of a star of david?
>damnit
>isn't there a normal sheet of paper in this fucking thing?
>a pile of misshappen papers finds its way onto the desk
>no
>no there is not
>all right, fuck this
>you sweep the papers onto the floor with your arm
>and look down
>the desk is an old wooden surface, with little black dots scattered about
>heh, that little group of dots looks like…
>no, it looks like…
>wait
>what group of dots
>okay
>not sitting at this desk anymore
>maybe if you just…
>lie down on the floor here
>and close your eyes
>maybe you can calm down
>huh
>the floor is slightly inclined
>or
>is it?
>your eyes snap open
>and you scream out loud
>this isn't an isolation chamber at all
>this is an autism chamber!

Part 8: The Objectivity Room, Part Two

>you reckon the days by every three meals
>and then you lose track of the days
>every day you notice something new
>something that you can't un-notice
>the mattress has a slight depression in its center
>the ceiling has a dot-pattern which seems to match the one on the desk, but doesn't quite
>on one of the walls, there's just a peg sticking out
>just a big
>metal
>fucking
>peg
>just sticking out of the wall
>for no reason
>the plates on which your meals are delivered have unseemly yellow spots on them
>but these spots are, as far as you can tell, merely the color of the plate
>the food itself is wrong as well
>the bread tastes like spinach
>the vegetables taste like ketchup
>the soup tastes like ice cream
>none of these exactly taste bad, per se
>it's just…
>wrong
>it almost seems silly to be complaining
>it's exactly as the doc said
>you have enough food and drink every day for a feast
>there's more than enough room for you to get your excercise in
>the very air you breathe is crisp and refreshing
>it's no doubt piped in from the top of the mountain
>it's just…
>there's nothing to feast about
>nothing to train for
>sometimes you even feel like…
>well
>sometimes you feel like you don't even have a reason to go on breathing
>Rainbow Dash puts her hoof on your shoulder
>"Don't think like that, 'Non. You know Twilight doesn't like it when you think like that."

>Rainbow Dash showed up to keep you company
>she says Twilight will be here soon
>Applejack is here too
>and Pinkie Pie
>Rarity and Fluttershy also are around somewhere
>they all say that Twilight will be here soon
>at some point Apple Fritter shows up with Razzie
>Fritter says she saw Twilight on her way here
>Amber Ember is sprawled out in the armchair
>"Who cares? Who says Anon wants Twilight around anyway?"
"Whoah, Amber, when did you get here? I tried looking for you after I got out of the hospital, but-"
>"I didn't want to be found. Same as you."
"What do you mean?"
>"I mean that you don't really want Twilight to come here. I mean, geez, Anon, she's done nothing but use you. You were right to run away."
"Uh, I don't-"
>Rainbow Dash looks angry
>"Hey! Don't talk about Twilight like that! She saved Anon's life!"
>Dash and Amber fall to bickering
>you smile
>those two are always fighting
>something tugs at your pants-leg
>it's Razzie
>the grass is so tall
>it's almost up to her chin
>"Hold me, Uncle Anonymous."
"Yeah, sure."
>you bend over to scoop up the little pony into your arms
>"Pat my head, Uncle Anonymous."
"Okay."
>Razzie's mane is warm in the sunlight
>she kicks a bit under your hand, and then relaxes
>Applejack frowns at you
>"Mr. Nonermous, we need to talk."
"Talk? About what?"
>"Twilight is coming."
>Pinkie Pie is busy hanging streamers from the trees
>"Aren't you excited for this totally awesome party, Anon?"
"What party?"
>"The one for when Twilight gets here, silly!"
>Rarity and Fluttershy are sitting in the hot spring together
>Fluttershy smiles at you
>"Come join us, Anon!"
"Why?"
>Rarity grins
>"So you can look good for Twilight when she gets here, of course."
>you're startled to see a purple unicorn staring at you
>but it isn't Twilight
>it's the other one
>the one who replaced you
>Starlight Glimmer, if you remember correctly
>"Twilight will be here very soon, Anonymous."
"When?"
>"Now."

Part 9: With Murder in Your Heart

>Phylum Strata holds an empty syringe in the strange finger-apparatus she wears on her hoof
>you are a crumpled heap on the floor of the autism chamber
>"I am disappointed in you, Anonymous."
"Me too."
>"Really, are you so attached to your silly sentimentality that, when faced with the choice between objectivity and madness, you choose madness?"
"Madness, doc?"
>"Yes. You seemed to be under the impression that you had numerous ponies with you for company. You have been hallucinating."
>you bring yourself up to your hands and knees
"Well, you knew I had a history of mental illness."
>"Yes, I should say you've done quite well at expressing your suicidal tendencies."
"Is it over then?"
>"Much as I would like to end your miserable life now, I have not yet found an alternative solution to your assistance."
"Shit."
>"I am going to include strong anti-hallucinogens in your food from now on. You must not be allowed to escape from reality if your abode in the Objectivity Room is to have any effect. I shall check on you again in another month.
"Wait… doc."
>"Hm? What is it?"
"I'm ready."
>"Are you now? Well, this has been more fruitful than I had hoped."
"Ready…"
>your hand
>like a huge rattlesnake
>affixes itself firmly to the bony foreleg of Phylum Strata
>your hard grip can only mean one thing
>and the old villain deduces that thing immediately
>she shrieks
>slippery
>like a worm
>she slides free easily
>and with incredible speed for a creature so old
>she flees

>you're less than conscious as you stalk through the cavern corridors
>on instinct alone you follow the sounds of your quarry
>without thinking in words, you realize she's headed back to the lab
>you trample over the bones of the creatures of Phylum Strata almost without noticing
>in years to come, you'll be disturbed by the memory of your first impulse to kill
>but right now, you see that the only thing between you and the automatic sliding door is the pair of mechanical mares
>no longer clad in the false flesh of the un-mares, they stand in all their naked horror
>in the past, they've subdued you from behind
>they are slow
>and pony-sized
>and in this moment
>you are more than man
>one gets lifted over your head and thrown into the cavern wall
>the other follows
>the automatic sliding door fails to open automatically
>but the fatal mistake of Phylum Strata was to make these doors out of fiberglass
>the door breaks easily under your fist
>you won't notice that you're bleeding until this is over
>door after door after door is smashed in your onslaught
>until at last
>Phylum Strata stands erect
>staring at you from beside a portal to another world
>that other world?
>the kitchen table of your own mother

>"May I remind you of what, precisely, you are giving up, Anonymous?"
>words take possession of your mind
"Is… that…?"
>"Yes. I see that this scene is familiar to you. I was able to track down humans with similar genetics to yours and place the portal in their home. They are, of course, not home right now."
>you're breathing heavily right now
>"Yes. It would be a simple matter for you to just step through and be home. Your Earth doctors, no doubt, would be able to convince you that your life in Equestria was merely a delusion. You could live the rest of your life not believing that you were ever here, and consequently without any guilt for anything you did while you were here."
"Wait, are you…"
>"Yes, indeed, you may go. You may go right now."
"But… what about Razzie?"
>"Oh, do not fear. I shall die at the end of the year as is natural, and Raspberry Heaven shall grow up."
"I don't believe you."
>Phylum Strata's face blackens
>"What does it matter? This world will be as a dream to you!"
"It matters because it's not a dream!"
>with bizarre agility, the mad doctor shuffles past you and flees again
>the unconscious swallows your mind once more
>and you give chase
>the chase, this time, leads down a different corridor in the caverns
>the one that's lighted red
>Phylum Strata has chosen to stand on the very edge of the pit of magma
>her red coat illumined by the red lava
>her grey mane turned black in the weird shadows
>her labcoat floating and waving on the hot gasses from the pit
>she presents a vision from Hell itself
>but that's what makes you pause
>not what makes you stumble
>not what makes you fall to your knees
>there
>behind the daemoniacal doctor
>you can see her standing as plain as day
>Twilight has come

Part 10: At the Pit of Hell

>"I can't believe you, Anon. It's been, what, three months or so since you left? And you're already trying to murder somepony? This is exactly the sort of thing that everyone hates about you. If you're not trying to hurt yourself you're trying to hurt someone else. Why can't I leave you alone for three months? Why can't I treat you like an adult for five minutes without you freaking out and running away? Come with me, it's time to come home. You need me."
>this
>isn't real
>is it?
"No… I don't… need you."
>Phylum Strata cocks her head to one side
>"What an odd thing to say. I never suggested that you did. Though I suppose, in a way, all lesser minds like yours do need the guidance of a greater mind like mine."
>you blink
>Twilight is gone
>all that remains is the demon's vision of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
>slowly
>shakily
>you rise to your feet
"I, uh, wasn't talking to you, doc."
>"Then you are still hallucinating. Come now, your mind is even less sound than usual; surely you are in no position to be making decisions regarding life and death."
"There's no decision about it, doc. Killing little kids is wrong."
>"Your right and your wrong are arbitrary nonsense. You have seen for yourself the fruits of my extraordinary life so far. Can you not imagine what I might do with yet another life? I alone can create Utopia, not only in this world, but in many others as well. You know that I can. Compared to that, what is the life of one child, a child who was created with this very purpose in mind?"
"Compared to that… it's… it's everything, doc."
>the doctor snorts
>"Your statement has no reason behind it. Only your own arbitrary feelings."
"Shit doc, I don't know. I'm not a fucking super genius, but… don't you think that morality is a sort of reason in and of itself?"
>"Certainly not. What of my own interests can I achieve by conforming to your standards?"
"Well, you can avoid taking a bath in that lava down there. And that's sort of what I mean. All peoples… ponies… creatures… whatever, have taught in all times and places that a child… no, a daughter, must never be harmed by her own mother. We make laws, threats of force, and violent objections against those who violate the, uh… moral law, I guess, specifically to make it so that following it is in your best interest."
>"That a social construct is common does not make it objective."
"But what if it's not just a social construct? Doc, I look at what you're planning to do, and I know that it's wrong. I look at your offset pointed arch, and I know that it's wrong. I know it just like I know that… that, fucking, two plus two equals five is wrong. You gave me a lot of time to think, you know, before I went kind of loopy in that room. But… I think that it did work. I think that I am speaking sort of… objectively, even if I'm not really sure how."
>"If you aren't sure how, then you aren't being objective. Objectivity is attained through reason, not intuition."
"Fine, fuck, it just sounds weird. What if what I'm talking about is… uh, hard-wired into our, uh, genes, or souls, or whatever? What if this universe was made with specific natural laws in mind so that intelligent creatures would just know right from wrong?"
>Phylum Strata scoffs
>"I did not take you for a spiritualist."
"I went to church sometimes."
>"As though the universe was "made" with anything "in mind". The use of that phrase indicates that even you recognize the mind as the highest substance in this world. Well, of all minds, mine is the highest. If there is an objective morality, it is what I decide it is. Why should I submit to the whims of you, or a billion other lower creatures when I am so manifestly superior?"
"Because you're full of shit! I think you're hard-wired the exact same way that I am, no matter how fucking big-brained you are. Doc, I can look at your face and just know that you're a bad guy. You've got a face that makes babies cry. You look like you've been living all out of whack with your, well, with your soul for years and years and years. I think you know as well as I do what's right and what's wrong, and denying it is killing you."
>Phylum Strata
>bends her head toward the lava pit
>and holds it there for a moment
>and looks back at you
>and it might just be the hot sulphur blowing into her face
>but somehow or other
>there are tears streaking down the shrivelled, villainous face of the mad scientist Phylum Strata
>"Do you know, Anonymous Faggot, how much I hate you?"
>it takes you a moment to find the words to reply to that
"That's, uh, awfully sentimental for you."
>"When I saw you playing checkers with Raspberry Heaven, I hated you. You damaged my mind irreparably that day. I shut myself up in the Objectivity Room for… I forget how long, exactly, but… the harm you did to me could not be reversed."
"I… harmed you?"
>"I used to play checkers with my daughter. My real daughter. The one I gave birth to, when my own name was still Raspberry Heaven and I was just as silly and sentimental as anyone else. She was very, very skilled. I have not seen her in a very long time, and I do not know where I could find her if I wanted to."
"It sounds like you harmed yourself, doc."
>Phylum Strata scowls
>"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have been living my life in denial of that which I ought not to deny. Perhaps your sentiments of right and wrong are, in some way, objective."
>the old doctor assumes an air of great dignity
>her mouth set in a thin line of stone
>her eyes impassive and calm
>her chin raised high
>"But if right and wrong are objective, then I suppose justice is objective as well?"
"Uh, sure."
>"A few minutes ago I feared that there was nothing I could do to stop you from carrying out your justice. Now, however, I don't suppose you'd be able to do it without your usual effeminate shaking."
"Hang on, I don't like where you're going with this."
>the villainous doctor Phylum Strata reaches her hoof into the pockets of her labcoat
>and pulls out a golden, heart-shaped locket
>she tosses it over the pit to you
>you stoop to pick it up
>"Open it. Inside is a picture of my daughter. Should you find her in your journeys, I charge you with the task of telling her my fate."
>inside the locket is a very small painting of a small, smiling filly
>she has a light brown coat, a dark brown mane
>and eyes you'd never forget
>holy shit
"Doc! Doc, I know…"
>Phylum Strata has disappeared from the precipice of the pit
"… her."
>the splash sounds much less dramatic than you expected
>you sigh
"Fuck."
>and then
>just to verify
>you look back at the face that stares from the locket of the late, the great, the mad, the wicked, the brilliant doctor Phylum Strata
>and you know
>that the face belongs to Amber Ember

Part 11: I'm Fine

>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in ten minutes."
>the door to the operating room comes down under your arm with a bit more difficulty than the others
>you're actually cut up pretty bad by now
>as you had expected, Razzie lies on one of the tables, immobilized by the chemical false-death
>you press the button that will restore her life
>and wait
>come on
>wake up
>you really don't have a second to lose here
>impatient, you loosen the straps that hold Razzie down
>and slowly
>the little pony's chest rises
>and falls
>and her eyelids flutter
>and open
>"Anon…"
"Hey. Hey, Razzie. How are you feeling?"
>"I… don't know."
"That's fine. That's fine. You're just still sleepy. Hey. Hey, Razzie. We're gonna go on a little trip, okay?"
>"What is a 'trip'?"
"It means we're leaving again. All right?"
>"Are we coming back?"
>you scoop up Razzie into your arms
>and set her down gently on her hooves
"Probably not. No. No, we're not coming back. So go on and grab anything you want to take with you. Okay? I've got some things to take care of, but I'll meet you in your room when I'm done, okay?"
>"… Okay."
>as you expected, even Razzie's room is still locked shut
>that door, too, is smashed
>"Anon, your arm. Are you going to get a bandage for it?"
>you pick up Razzie and carry her over the broken fiberglass
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna go do that right now. Don't worry about me. Just get your things, okay?"
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in five minutes."
>following the trail of broken doors leads you back to the room with the magic-based technology
>the portal to Earth is still open
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in four minutes."
"Fuck, man."
>you can't
>you can't go back
>you've already decided that you can't leave Razzie here alone
>and you can't take her to Earth
>but fuck, man
>the fucking portal is already open right to your mother's kitchen
>there's gotta be something you can do
>some way you can let her know
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in three minutes."
>there
>on the counter
>what is that?
>is that
>one of those cameras?
>one of the ones automatic ones with the little printer built in?
>fuck, man
>isn't that just liker her?
>always buying this random fucking shit
>this random fucking shit that just so happens to be exactly what you need right now
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in two minutes."
>fuck, man, time is moving so fast
>you don't have a second to waste
>once through the portal, you become aware that you're bleeding all over the floor
>whoops
>you pick up the camera
>point it at yourself
>make a thumbs up
>and press the button
>the photo prints
>you look like shit
>but whatever
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in one minute."
>shit shit shit shit
>should you write a message, too?
>uh, where's the pen drawer?
>uh
>there
>and you just need…
>yeah, that sharpie will do
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in thirty seconds."
>no no no no
>uh, what to write?
>uh
>you've got it
"I'm… fine…"
>you slap the photo on the counter and hurry back through the portal
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power will secure in ten seconds."
>huh
>"Nine."
>looks like you're really never going back after all
>"Eight."
>well, it was probably kind of a long shot anyway
>"Seven."
>the sound of a door opening echoes through a distortion in time and space in just such a way to make your heart start racing
>"Six."
>"Who's there?"
>"Five."
>no, please
>"Four."
>don't let her see you
>"Three."
>"Hello?"
>"Two."
>you don't think you could handle it
>"One."
>"Anon?"
>"Warning. Phylum Strata not detected. Power securing now."
>the portal disappears without a trace
>the ever-present whirr of electricity and machinery fades into an eerie silence
>but it looks like the radium-based lightbulbs the doc invented weren't attached to the power grid
>they'll probably keep this place lighted for a thousand years to come
>good news for all the spiders and bats who are afraid of the dark
>fuck, man
>there's something wet on your face
>you're feeling lightheaded, too
>but that's probably just the blood loss

>okay, the infirmary was one of these doors in the main hub, right?
>you think it was…
>that one
>you raise your arm to smash in the door
>but flinch at the last moment
>your arm is already beat to hell dude
>uh
>oh
>rearing back on one foot, you kick the door in
>the trusty work boots you bought in Picacholt handle it like a real champ
>now why didn't you think of this before?
>whatever
>there's gotta be something in here you can use
>searching through a few drawers, you locate something that looks usable as a bandage
>you spend a few minutes struggling to get it wrapped around your hand and arm
>when it's done, it's kind of shitty
>but it should keep you from passing out long enough to reach Picacholt
>now
>hopefully Razzie is just about ready to go
>you enter her room
>and see her lying on her belly
>neck craned over heaps of paper
"Hey, Razzie. What'cha doing?"
>she doesn't look up
>"These are the stories."
"Oh. Yeah, I see."
>you do see
>the heaps of paper are, in fact, old magazines
>they have titles such as "Strange Tales", "Mysteries of Super-Science", "Incredible Fantasies", and more
>on their covers are colorful paintings of heroes and monsters and damsels in distress
>what are these?
>pulps?
"Oh. So you've been reading stuff like this your whole life, huh?"
>"Yes."
"No wonder you're so handy in an adventure."
>Razzie flips the page in the book she's got open
>"Mother told me that these were the stories she read when she was my age."
"Huh."
>that actually gives you some food for thought
>pulps were largely dead on Earth by the time you started reading
>but everyone knows the general formula of the stories inside
>the beautiful girl is kidnapped by the evil wizard or the mad scientist or whatever
>and the strong, stern hero rescues her and defeats the villain
>it's very interesting to hear that Phylum Strata herself grew up entranced by these kinds of stories
>and that, out of all the archetypes these stories present
>that she should have wanted to become the mad scientist
>"Anon, I heard the voice saying that my mother was not detected."
"Yeah. I heard it too."
>Razzie flips the page again
>"Anon, is my mother dead?"
"… Yeah."
>Razzie pushes the magazine away from her
>and looks straight down
>"Was it you?"
"No… No. She wanted… She fell into that lava pit, out in the caverns. She did it on purpose."
>"I see."
"Razzie, I think she felt bad. I think…"
>"Do you think she loved me?"
"Yeah… or, I think she wanted to, but… she was afraid."
>"Afraid to die?"
"Well, that was a part of it. I think it was mostly… she was afraid of getting hurt."
>"She thought I would hurt her?"
"Well, she mentioned that her feelings had been hurt, before she came here. You see, uh, it's really only the ones we're closest to that can really hurt our feelings."
>Twilight is standing behind you
>she's whispering in your ear
>"It really didn't mean anything."
>Razzie sniffs
>"You were saying something about hurting feelings before. I don't really remember all of it."
"No, I guess you wouldn't. I was saying that sometimes it's hard to remember everyone else's feelings when your own feelings are hurting. It's better to just forgive them, but-"
>"I think… I think I hurt my mother's feelings."
"No, Razzie, no. There's no way."
>"There is a way. When my mother told me that she felt she was going to die soon, I told her… 'I see.' I asked her what would become of me. I wasn't afraid for her at all."
"No… No, no, Razzie. No."
>a quiet sob escapes the taciturn filly's lips
>drops of water speckle the floor beneath her face
>sit down beside her
>scoop her up into your arms
>set her down on your lap
>and hold Raspberry Heaven closely
"Shh. Shh. Quiet, now."
>"Anon. I am a bad daughter."
"No, no no no. You're not. You're the best."
>"I am the worst."
>Razzie buries her face into your shirt
>and cries openly
>it's all you can do to stroke her head and back
>but it's not working
>it's just not working

Part 12: To Her I Cry: "Farewell, Phylum!"

>wait
>the red field is shrinking into a small rectangle
>there's a face forming in the center
>Sombra
>"Found you."
"Talk quieter. She's sleeping."
>Sombra repeats in a whisper
>"Found you."
"Yeah, took you long enough."
>"Came as soon as sensed great darkness."
"Great dark… oh, yeah, your magic does have something to do with bad feelings, doesn't it?"
>"Yes."
"Are you able to lead me to where I can find you?"
>"Yes."
"All right, I'll come find you as soon as she wakes up."
>"She is."
"Huh?"
>you look down
>there is indeed a bleary-eyed filly blinking up at you from your lap
>"Anon? Who's that?"
"That's Sombra. He's a friend of mine. He needs our help."
>"Help?"
"Yeah. We've got to go help him now, so I need you to be brave. Can you be brave for me?"
>"I don't know."
"That's fine. That's fine. I'm gonna carry you to where we're going, so all you need to do is not cry. Can you do that for me?"
>"Yes."
"Good, good. I'm gonna stand up now. Are your things in that bag over there?"
>"Yes."
>still holding Razzie, you stand up
>you grab a little pink saddle bag and sling it over your injured arm, holding Razzie close with your good one
"All right, Sombra, take me there."
>the apparition of Sombra leads you through the string of doors you broke until at last you reach the caverns
>for a moment, you're startled by the sight of the mechanical mares
>but they don't attack
>they only stand there
>and tilt their heads at you
>the sheer life-likeness of the expression is far more unnerving than the unnaturalness they displayed while dressed in the skins of the un-mares
"See you later, you crazy tin cans."
>following Sombra further, you realize he's about to take you through the chamber with all the misshapen skeletons
>"Razzie, look up. Don't look down until I tell you, okay?"
>upon entering the chamber, you're surprised by the fact that Sombra doesn't even slow down
"Wait, Sombra, aren't you in here?"
>"No."
"All right."
>further and further
>uphill and downhill
>around twists and turns
>finally, you step outside into the silent desert night

>tonight, with the full moon out and not a cloud in the sky, you can see the path you're taking almost as clear as day
>"Just down there."
"By that river?"
>"Yes."
"There's skeletons down there, right?"
>"Yes."
"All right."
>Razzie has fallen asleep again
>carefully, you nudge her awake
"Razzie, I'm gonna put you down now. I need you to wait right here, okay?"
>"… Okay."
"Stay right here. Don't follow me. If you get scared, just scream, okay?"
>"… Okay."
"All right. I'll be right back."
>setting Razzie down by the steep ridge, you begin to carefully make your way down
>Sombra snorts
>"Big brother."
"Huh?"
>Sombra grins his creepy, sharp-toothed grin
>"Big brother."
"Shut the fuck up."
>by the river, a pair of gleaming white skeletons lie intertwined
>one skeleton is clad in a dark brown cowboy hat, with a leather tote slung over its shoulder
>the other has three eye-sockets, a skull that looks half too small, and forelegs twice the size of its hindlegs
>"In bag."
"Yeah, okay."
>as respectfully as you possibly can in this situation, you take the bag off of the cowpony's skeleton
>and reach inside
>sure enough, Sombra's crystal is to be found
>but there's something else in there as well
>it's a…
>a journal
>you glance at the skeleton
"You mind if I read this, dude?"
>it would be sort of a pain to relate the entire journal
>but these few sentences of interest fairly well communicate the sum of what you learn
>"This is the journal of Cider Donut…"
>"The mines have closed down. Picacholt is doomed…"
>"Sure, I could find refuge among the other farms of the Apple Family, but for one small problem…"
>"My sweet little Apple Fritter belongs in the desert as surely as the great saguaro cactus. She would simply be unhappy anywhere else in the world…"
>"I intend to protect my daughter's happiness…"
>"I have gone off into the mountains in search of the fabled Peg-Horn of Darkstar…"
>"The Peg-Horn is in the possession of a horrid mare who goes by the name of Phylum Stata…"
>"Her experiments and creations are most unnatural indeed…"
>"I have become her prisoner…"
>"Beyond my wildest hopes, I have escaped the mountain lair of Phylum Strata with the Peg-Horn of Darkstar which I sought…"
>"I am pursued by one of Phylum Strata's abominable creatures…"
>"Should all become hopeless, I intend to cast the spell which will keep my apples growing and ripening all year round, and to throw the Peg-Horn into the river which waters my trees. In doing so, I will ensure the survival of Picacholt, and more importantly, the happiness of my dearest daughter Apple Fritter…"
>you close the journal
>and put it back into the bag
>if there was any place where Cider Donut's struggle would have seemed hopeless, it would have been here
>you wonder…
>you step into the river
>and search with your hands
>until you grasp something conical
>the Peg-Horn glows a mystic violet in your hand
"No way…"
>Sombra stares
"Sombra, the doc had you put in that bag, right?"
>"Yes."
"That doesn't make any sense. She must have known that the Peg-Horn was right here all along then. There's no way she would have left it there, unless…"
>the journal
>Cider Donut's dearest daughter Apple Fritter
"Unless she cared about what Cider Donut wanted for Apple Fritter…"
>the sound of Razzie's cry jolts you out of your contemplation
>she's lying at the bottom of the ridge, nursing her foreleg
>you rush over to her side
"Razzie! I told you not to follow me."
>"I am sorry. I wanted to see."
"Are you all right?"
>"Yes. I only slipped a little ways up. It does not hurt so badly."
"Geez. What was it you wanted to see?"
>she points right at the skeletons
>"Who were those ponies?"
>oh, geez
>you were hoping she wouldn't have to see that
"Uh… one of them was the father of a friend of mine."
>"I see. Who was the other?"
"The other… well… I guess it was your big sister, Razzie."

ACT V: The Duel
Part 1: Wherein Anon Imposes Upon Apple Fritter's Hospitality

>the thing about living in a mountain
>it completely kills your sense of time
>it was dark when you first started climbing down
>and it's still dark now
>Razzie is nestled in your good arm
>which, to tell you the truth, is really starting to ache now
>the ride down seems to have been too bumpy for her to get any sleep
>but she's been so silent that you've felt completely alone
>your bad arm is hanging uselessly at your side
>and it's still leaving a trail of blood behind you
>you should probably be worried that it doesn't hurt anymore
>on an unrelated note, all good things must come to an end
>on a more related note, all shit things must come to an end too
>since the Apples' house is sort of outside of town, you were able to reach it without having to pass through Picacholt
>thankfully, any evil henchponies that may have been waiting for you have given up
>all the same, it's probably best to be seen as little as possible
>currently, you're making a sticky mess all over Apple Fritter's nice front porch
>and you're sort of thumping on the door with your shoulder
>it seems like a long wait to a guy who's probably bleeding out
>but eventually the door does open
>"Nonermous?"
"Hey, Fritter. Hold my filly for a sec, will ya?"
>surprised, Fritter's hooves move to accomodate the Razzie that's clumsily shoved into her face
"You know, it seems like I've done an awful lot of losing consciousness this past month or so…"
>and your ass hits the ground
>then your back
"Probably not healthy…"
>and once again
>the world drifts off into the black

>you come to in a bed that's some two feet too short for your legs
>Fritter notices immediately
>because she's hovering over you with a needle and thread clenched between her teeth
>"Er! Nernermer, dern mer."
"What?"
>Fritter's head bobs down out of sight
>something sharp and, well, needle-like is jabbed into the skin on your arm and back out again
>"I said don't move."
"Ooooooooooof."
>"Oh, quit your moaning, I'm almost done."
>pulling the string through and up, her head slides back into your view
>you crane your neck and look at your arm
"Geez."
>"Er ser dern mer!"
"Y-yeah, right, sorry."
>you lay your head back down
>the needle goes in again
>you were planning on being stoic for this jab
>but a little yelp comes out anyway
>your arm
>it's an intricate, patchwork spiderweb of scars and stitching
>it extends from the back of your hand, all the way up to the knuckles, and reaches an inch or two past your elbow
>Fritter's needle is already a little bit past the elbow itself
"Sorry."
>"Huh?"
"Didn't realize I was cut up so bad."
>Fritter sighs
>she pulls the needle through again
>and jams it back in to speak
>"Yeah, I been working on you a good... six hours or so, now."
"Geez."
>Fritter completes another stitch before you speak again
"Didn't realize you were a doctor."
>the needle gets jabbed in bit harder this time
>"Well I ain't got a degree, but every mare's gotta know something about fixing folks up around these parts."
>thread goes out
>thread goes in
"Sorry."
>Fritter sighs again
>"Well, what you supposed to do? Die in the desert with a foal in your arms?"
>the needle goes out
"Oh, Razzie. Where is she? Is she all right?"
>the needle goes in
>you wince
>"She's curled up in that corner over there. I think she's sleeping."
"That's good. I'm sure last night exhausted her."
>"You can say that again. She is the saddest little filly I ever did see."
>Fritter bobs up with the needle again
>and stabs it back in again
>"What happened to her?"
"Uh, short version, her mom died last night. She blames herself."
>Fritter was pulling the needle back up
>but she drops it from her mouth and inhales now
>"Oh, my word..."
"Yeah. It's been a... weird two months."
>Fritter yanks at the string and then snips it with her teeth
>"Well, I wish I could stick around and hear all about it..."
>somehow
>some fucking how
>this mare ties a knot with her mouth
>"But we're having a bit of a calamity today. None of our apples are ripening anymore. Don't get out of bed, I'll check up on you again at sundown."
"None of your apples..."
>Fritter is halfway out the door when you shout out to her
"Uh, hang on, Fritter, wait, that might be my fault."
>without seeming to cross the room, she somehow comes to be glaring into your face
>"What?"
"Um, I, I can fix it. It was supposed to be a present for you. In, uh, one of the bags I was carrying. The old leather one."
>"Nonermous..."
>rustling sounds emanate from a corner of the room
>figuring that you can move now that Fritter isn't sewing you up anymore, you risk turning your head toward the sound
>Apple Fritter is rummaging through the old leather tote
>"Oh, hello, Mr. Sombra."
>she gets a low rumbling sound for a response
>"Nonermous."
>Fritter pulls her hoof out of the bag
>held in the impossible hoof-grip of the earth pony race is a smooth, slender cone of grey stone
>"Is this the... is this the... is...?"
"The Peg-Horn of Darkstar? Yeah. I think so. The journal, you should read the journal in there."
>"What's in the journal?"
"You just... need to read it."
>"No..."
>the old book is taken from the old bag
>she opens it to the first page
>"This is the journal of..."
>"This is the journal of..."
>"This is..."
>"The journal..."
>carefully and deliberately
>Apple Fritter closes the journal
>and sets it down in the bag
>she takes up the Peg-Horn
>and doesn't look at you
>"I'm gonna go fix my orchard."

>Fritter comes back in all wide-eyed
>"Well, it's definitely the Peg-Horn."
"I figured it was."
>"Land's sake. It's a good thing you found it when you did. As cut up as you were, you probably wouldn't have made it if you'd walked here."
"Huh? I did walk here."
>Apple Fritter gives you a funny look
>"Oh. I had no idea this thing was so close to my farm then."
"It wasn't that close. It was way up near the top of Darkstar's Mountain."
>the little apple-farming mare is looking at you like you've just said the dumbest shit she's ever heard in her life
>"Wait. So, you were bleeding half to death..."
"Yeah."
>"Had a little filly depending on you..."
"Uh huh."
>"Needed to get somewhere you could get help..."
"Right."
>"And you were carrying a legendary spellcasting artifact the whole time?"
"Uh, yeah."
>Fritter blinks
>"Nonermous... why didn't you just teleport here?"
>teleport?
"Um..."
>teleport
"Uh..."
>TELEPORT
"That's a good question."
>Apple Fritter scoffs
>"Mr. Nonermous, you ain't got no sense."
"I'll own that."
>you sit up
>"Careful, now!"
>you swing your legs off the bed
"Oh, what's the worst that could happen?"
>you stand up
>your vision turns grey
>you land on your face
>"Well, you could fall down."
"Sh-"
>wait
>Razzie's in the room
"Crap."
>actually, how is Razzie?
>she's been silent ever since you woke up
"Hey Razzie?"
>there's a silence as you heave yourself to your hands and knees
>is she asleep?
>"Yes, Anon?"
"How you doing over there?"
>"I am tired."
"Yeah?"
>your bad arm goes out
>your face hits the floor again
"You wanna trade spots? You take the bed and I take the floor?"
>the lone word floats from the dark corner of the room
>"No."
>you manage to get your upper body onto the bed
>from this vantage you can see Razzie
>curled up on the floor and facing the wall
>you crane your neck to look at Apple Fritter
>she shakes her head
>then offers her shoulder to push you back onto the bed
>once you're settled back in, you figure some pleasantries are a bit overdue
"So Apple Fritter, how have things been?"
>"Eh... Dunno if I should tell you."
"Is it that bad?"
>"No. No, no. Things ain't bad. It's just... it might be a mite bit exciting for someone who can't stand up."
"Am I that bad?"
>Fritter smiles, for the first time since you woke up
>but it's not her usual, sly, coquettish grin
>it's a soft smile
>a reserved smile
>"For a few days more, at least."
"Man..."
>"Listen, Nonermous. Don't worry about anything. Nobody knows you're here, except for me and Jonagold. Everything's gonna be fine."

Part 2: Unnecessary

>it's been a few days
>you're sitting up now
>Razzie's silent vigil has moved from curled up in the corner to curled up into your side
>she's still not speaking, but that's gotta be some kind of improvement
>right?
>Apple Fritter is lying on her belly on the floor
>there's a plate of, well, apple fritters sitting between her forehooves
"All right, you got my story out of me now."
>"Yep, yep. I guess it's only fair. I'll tell you what's been going on."
>"First off, while I was in Ponyville, I did tell Applejack and her friends about you."
>"I know you didn't want that, but, well, I figured there was trouble coming. And I guess I figured right."
>"Anyhow, that got Princess Twilight over here right quick."
>"'Course, by that time, you were already gone."
>"Oh, she spent a long time looking for you. Probably about a month or so. She even got Princess Luna to come and see if she could sniff out your dreams. But you noticed that."
>"Anyway, it didn't take a whole month in Picacholt to realize that Collishaw Cueball and Piebald were bad news."
>"Princess Twilight managed to get Piebald run out of town. Collishaw Cueball is still the sheriff, but it looks like he's given up on stealing the apple farm."
>"So, after Princess Twilight left town, things were quiet. Til you showed back up, anyway."
"I thought you said this story was exciting."
>"Well, I guess it was a bit more exciting to live than it was to tell. Not quite like your story."
>"I mean, your story. I almost don't believe it. It's like something out of an old magazine."
"The journal tells a similar story."
>Apple Fritter looks down
>"Oh, I bet. I'm still not ready to read it, Nonermous."
>you stroke Razzie's mane for a while
"So my mess got cleaned up without me, huh?"
>Fritter scoffs
>"This town was a mess before you got here, Nonermous."
>a stream of cool air flows into your lungs
>and a burst of warm gas comes out
>"Nonermous, the princess came and fixed this town... because you were here. Doesn't that count for something?"
>"Because I think it means you must be a real special fella."
>"And I think... no... I know that Princess Twilight thinks so too."
>your fingers bury themselves in Razzie's mane
>the cool locks of hair flowing through them cause you to inhale deeply
"You think so?"
>"I do."
"Did she tell you... about..."
>"Yeah. She did."
"Hell."
>Apple Fritter's soft yellow hoof snakes its way to your hand
>"Nonermous... When are you gonna go home to her?"
>the ceiling becomes very interesting to your eyes for some reason
"You think I should?"

Part 3: Happily Ever After?

>by the time you could walk again, you'd decided
>yes
>yes, it's time to go back to Ponyville
>you're not sure what exactly you were looking for out here
>but you think you've already found it
>in Razzie
>before you met her, you felt like you could just leave everyone behind
>and they'd hardly even notice
>but now
>there's no denying
>there's someone who needs you
>she needs a normal childhood
>in a quiet town
>and it's not like you can just dump her off on anybody
>in the first place, that would be a big burden on whoever you left her with
>in the second place, she needs someone who's seen something of her previous life
>you never meant for it to happen
>but you're anchored to someone now
>and an anchored ship can't go underway
>there's also that stuff about Twilight actually missing you
>but you're still processing that
>Apple Fritter came with you and Razzie to the train station
>she's still sad and quiet
>but you'll work to fix that
>she'll probably never forget her mother in the mountain
>but you'll show her all that there is to look forward to as well
>Ponyville has lots of kids for her to make friends with
>and lots of well-connected ponies to help her get a good future
>Sombra is here too
>but he figured out a way to hide his face and look like an ordinary rock
>so nobody needs to know about him
>you've reached the ticket window when you realize
"Crap. I don't have any bits."
>Fritter laughs
>"You know how many bits that Peg-Horn was worth? Here, lemme pay you back for it."
>Fritter plunks number of bits on the counter
>you're given two tickets
>one for you
>one for Razzie
"Well, that's that then, huh?"
>"It sure is."
"Uh, Fritter. Thanks. Thank you. For everything."
>"Oh, golly. Is this your sappy little goodbye?"
"I guess. Sorry."
>"It's fine. C'mere."
>a yellow foreleg wraps around your waist and pulls you into a warm pony hug
>"Don't ever get it into your head that you're not needed. All right?"
"Yeah. Sure."
>"I'll see you around."
>you've already got one foot on the train when a rough, villainous voice calls out your name
>"Nonermous!"

>on the bright side, Razzie looks interested in something for once as you protectively scoop her into your arms
>on the other side, Collishaw Cueball is grinning at you
>"That's a lovely child you got there."
>he scratches his chin as if in thought for a moment
>"Funny though, she doesn't look a thing like you."
"I don't want any trouble, sheriff. I'm getting out of town right now."
>"Gettin' outta… land's sake, I only just learned you were back in town! Leavin' already, huh?"
"Yep."
>"You weren't gonna come pick up your things?"
"What do you mean?"
>"Ha, ha!"
>Cueball holds out a hoof with your saddlebag slung over it
>"I mean the stuff you left in that hotel room. After you… ahuh… disappeared, I did you the favor of keeping your belongings in a safe in my office."
>it's definitely your bag
>but…
"Sheriff, I had a whole chest full of gold and jewels."
>"Ah, well, two months is a long time to be takin' up Village of Picacholt storage space. It ain't free, you know."
"Right… Sure, sure, I'll take the bag."
>you step away from the train, and your hand grasps the bag by the strap
>but Cueball doesn't let go
>he's staring you in the eye
>"I will tell you… there's at least enough gold in there to pay for seven days in that hotel, and a train ride home after that."
"That's great."
>he's still not letting go
"Why would I stay another seven days?"
>the sheriff inhales unsteadily
>he speaks in a hiss
>"So I can stretch your hide in the sun."
>you let go of the bag
"What?"
>he throws it on the ground
>"A duel! I'm talkin' about a duel! I challenge you to a duel, an' I'll preach your name as a coward from here to Canterlot if you refuse!"
"A… duel?"
>Apple Fritter gets between you and the enraged sherrif
>"Nonermous, don't listen to him. He can't do nothing to you!"
"Y-y-y-yeah, yeah yeah yeah. I know, I know, Fritter. This just got weird, I'm leaving now."
>you're trying to get back to the train
>you really are
>but Collishaw Cueball roughly shoves Apple Fritter out of his way
>he throws himself on the ground
>he grabs your leg with his hooves
>and he looks straight up at you
>no
>not at you
>his gaze is right about…
>at your chest level
>where Razzie is sitting
>"Fuck."
>home on Earth, you used to have this line of thought about car crashes:
>all it takes is one second
>just one poor decision
>to not pay attention
>to misjudge a turn
>to pass the wrong guy
>and once that poor decision is made
>from there, a chain of events is set in motion
>and you cannot stop it
>one second, and you're just some guy going home from work
>and then two cars collide
>then you collide with the seatbelt
>then your organs collide with your ribcage
>your head is thrown out at a weird angle, you can't control it
>so the airbags come out and snap your neck
>and at the end of that second
>you're a guy who will never work again
>Collishaw Cueball is rolling on the floor
>laughing
>there's a muddy boot-print in his hat
>and he spits out a tooth
>"That'll do it… that'll do it, you big, dumb monster!"
>oh fuck
>Fritter is pushing on your legs with her head
>"Get on the train, Nonermous, get on the train right now!"
>but Cueball springs to his hooves
>"Oh, no you don't! You just assaulted an officer of the law! I'll put you under arrest right now, unless…"
"U-unless…?"
>"Unless you agree to that duel."
"Uh…"
>"Center of town, seven days, high noon. Pistols, not swords. Traditional rules, not quickdraw. My deputies'll catch you if you try to skip town before then."
>with that, Collisaw Cueball gets up
>shakes his head a bit
>and canters off
>Razzie is staring at you with wide eyes
>at least her funk seems to have worn off
>"Anon, what is a duel?"
"I only have a vague idea myself."

Part 4: Day One

>you'd figured that a good night's sleep might help you figure out what to do
>but you never got a chance to put your theory to the test
>you were all night awake
>pondering over everything
>and now everything is the same as it was
>except you're tired, too
>the logical next step, you reckon, would be to buy a gun and start practicing with it
>the problem is, Cueball wasn't lying
>you've got enough money for seven days in the hotel and a train ride home
>even if you could pick up a cheap, shitty pistol, it would put you out on the streets today
>"Anon?"
>you shake the thoughts out of your head
"Yeah?"
>Razzie kicks the floor with a lazy forehoof
>"When is breakfast?"
>your eyebrows fly off the top of your head
>sweet mother of fuck
>you've counted out enough bits for a week-long stay in the hotel
>and just enough for two train tickets to Ponyville
>after that?
>there's nothing left
>no doubt Cueball had intended to leave enough bits for a week's worth of meagre meals
>but he wouldn't have counted on you having a companion
>there's no money for food
>hang on, time for some quick math
>you might be able to do three days of shelter and three days of food?
>or maybe you could only buy food for Razzie
>then there's, like, five days of shelter
>and five days of food?
>fuck, you've never been great at math
>"Anon?"
"Uh, yeah, uh..."
>the door bangs loudly
>you take the opportunity to put off this conversation
"Ah, better get that."
>the other side of the door reveals an Apple Fritter
>she walks in without waiting to be invited
"Gee, hey Fritter, come on in, make... yourself... eh..."
>somehow, this kind of banter doesn't feel like fun now
>"Uh huh. Nonermous, you alone right now?"
>you gesture at Razzie
"Well, no."
>"Oh, right, you got a littleun now. Ah..."
>Fritter marches up to Razzie, cranes her neck down, and smiles sweetly
>"Hey, you. What's your name again?"
>Razzie looks down
>"Um, R-Raspberry Heaven."
>strange
>she was nothing but friendly with total strangers in Marenberg
>maybe that's just because things seem less scary when you're wearing the skin of a six-foot biped
>or maybe everything that's happened is still kind of overwhelming for her
>"And what's that Nonermous calls you again? Ain't it Razzie?"
>"Yes."
>Fritter drops to the... knees?... on her forelegs and smiles into Razzie's lowered eyes
>"Can I call you Razzie too?"
>Razzie blinks in thought
>"Does that mean we're friends?"
>"Well, sure. Sure it does."
>a little smile appears on Razzie's snoot even as she averts her eyes again
>"Okay."
>Fritter jumps back up into a standing position
>"All right, Razzie, you mind if I borrow Nonermous for a bit? I gotta talk with him outside for a minute."
"Huh?"
>"Okay."
>"Thank you!"
>in an instant, Fritter's head is pushed against your butt
>and you're shoved out the door

>with the door shut, Fritter eyeballs the hallway for a moment
>"All right, Nonermous. We gotta talk."
"Man, Fritter, I've got problems-"
>"That's what we need to talk about, Nonermous!"
>she shakes her head
>"You weren't gonna do this alone, were you?"
"What? Uh..."
>"Listen, I tried to send a telegraph about all this to Ponyville."
"Tried?"
>Fritter leans in close
>strains her neck trying to whisper into your ear
>"Somebody cut the line. They're saying it'll take about a week to fix it."
"Oh. That's a funny coincidence."
>"Uh-huh. We gotta come up with a way to get you outta here."
"Get out of here?"
>"Of course! You weren't gonna actually duel with Collishaw Cueball, were you?"
"Well..."
>"He's a sherrif! Have you even shot a pistol before?"
"W-well, I mean, I've always supported gun rights, I just never, uh-"
>"What?"
"No."
>"Nonermous, you gotta get outta town. Only the princess can help you sort this thing out."
"Well, I'm not sure how that's supposed to work out. I'm not allowed on the train, remember?"
>"You could... walk to Marenberg."
"Fritter, I've walked from here to Darkstar's Mountain and from Darkstar's Mountain to here. I almost died both times, and that's only halfway to Marenberg."
>Fritter groans
>"Well, there's gotta be a way to sneak you onto that train."
"Well..."
>"What?"
"No..."
>"What? If you got an idea, spit it out!"
"Well, I guess I've done it before."
>"When?"
"When I helped save the world about a year ago."
>"Oh, right, right, the, uh, Sombra thing. You were a part of that, yeah! Go on."
"It wasn't too crazy. I got all wrapped up in fabric and crawled onboard the train on my hands and knees. You know, so I looked like a really over-dressed pony."
>Fritter taps her chin with her hoof
>"That could do it..."
>you sigh
>"What?"
>"I mean, I was sneaking into danger that time. Not, you know, out of it."
>Fritter reaches up to your chest with her hoof
>"Look, Nonermous, there's a difference between risking your hide for your friends, and risking it for... what? Pride? You got that filly to think about now."
"I guess."
>Fritter looks you up and down
>"I can have a disguise sewed up for you by tomorrow."
"All right."
>Fritter begins to hurry her way out
>"I'll see you tomorrow, Nonermous."
>and then you remember something
"Wait, Fritter!"
>she stops and... glares at you?
>"What?"
"Look, I hate to ask-"
>"I noticed."
"Uh, look, I don't have enough money for a week's worth of food."
>Fritter rolls her eyes
>"What'd I just say? You're not gonna be here for a week. And if you somehow run out of bits before you get outta here, I own an apple farm."
>with that, Apple Fritter disappears around a corner
>does she seem...
>mad at you?

Part 5: Day Two

>this shit again
>on the one hand, this disguise is much cleaner than the one made by a mare whose talent had been magically sucked out or whatever
>on the other hand, you were heading to the far north that time
>so a total body-cover made sense
>but this is the desert
>what are you supposed to be?
>a pony muslim?
>walking is slower work this time as well
>you've got to be considerate of Razzie
>who is, at present, blindly crawling with you under your burqa
>Apple Fritter keeps walking on ahead of you
>she pauses while you catch up, fidgeting with her hooves awkwardly
>it takes a while
>but eventually you do reach the ticket window
>behind the ticket mare leers a scarred desperado
>"Hol' it right thar, Apple Fritter. Who's the bathrobe?"
>Fritter points at you
>"Uh, who, her? This is my good friend, uh, App...u...la..."
>the thug seems skeptical
>"Ahuh. An' how 'bout I see yer friend's face?"
>Fritter snorts
>"Sun, no! The, uh... sun, it's... bad for... her... skin."
>the desperado's eyebrow is now cocked to an impressive height
>Fritter's eyes are darting between you and the ticket window
>"She's uh... a vampire."
>you hwut lassie girl
>that's it
>you're gonna spend the rest of your life in a desert jail cell
>the evil cowboy pony's gaze widens
>"A vampire?!"
>Fritter blinks
>then blinks again
>"Y-yeah. Don't worry though, she's uh... the kind of vampire that only bites apples."
>surprisingly, you've heard that's a thing in Equestria
>"O-oh, well I, uh, didn't mean to offend your friend or anything, Apple Fritter."
>the desperado glares at the ticket mare
>"Well, get 'er a ticket!"
>Fritter flashes her sweet little smile
>"One to Ponyville, please!"
>as you trudge over to the train, you reflect on what you've just been through
>Fritter is a terrible liar
>but somehow she's saved your ass
>or at least, that's what you assume
>until a conductor pony with massive sideburns steps out of the train
>and holds a hoof up in your face
>"My apologies ma'am, the train has broken down. I'm afraid this station is going to be out of service for a few days."
>Fritter interjects
>"How many days?"
>the conductor pony waves his hoof
>"Oh, not long, ma'am. We can have your friend out of here in... say, four or five days."
>and Fritter growls in your ear
>"Another funny coincidence."

Part 6: Day Three

>you're awoken early by somebody pounding on your door
>predictably, somebody turns out to be Apple Fritter
>you figure she wants to know if you've got another plan to escape
>but...
>"Give me Sombra."
"Huh?"
>"Come on now, you know darn well if Cueball finds him in here he can lock you up."
>you spend a few seconds rubbing the sleep out of your eyes
"Uh, sure."
>you grab Sombra's crystal off of the counter
"Hey, bud. You're gonna go away with Apple Fritter for a little while, okay?"
>Sombra stares down Fritter for a moment
>"Mm. Good."
"Wow. You're that happy to get away from me, huh?"
>"Yes."
>dick
>you shake your head and hand him off to Fritter
>"Thanks Nonermous. I'll, uh, see you around."
>with that, she - almost literally - gallops off
"Wait, that's it? You showed up awful early, you know."
>without stopping, she yells over her shoulder
>"You'll be fine, Nonermous. Dismule's coming over!"
>what?
>you spend a minute or two looking out the door to see if Dismule does indeed show up
>he doesn't
>you shake your head and close the door
>and nearly trip on Razzie
>"What was that about?"
"Sombra's going away for a little while."
>"Why?"
"I, uh, don't really know. Look, it's still-"
>you look at the clock
"Man, it's still four in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a while."

>you're woken up again by more knocking on the door
>at least the sun is all the way up this time
>you get the door
"Apple Fritter, I'm grateful for the help, but-"
>an old, magnanimous burro is cocking his head up at you
"Oh, hey Dismule."
>"Mornin', Anawn."
"Come on in, I haven't seen you since I got back."
>"Don't mind if I do."
>Dismule saunters in and drops a heavy bag on the table
>"'Smy unnerstandin', Anawn, yer in a spot o' trouble."
"Yeah... a, uh, little bit. Did Apple Fritter put you up to this?"
>Dismule snorts
>"Apple Fritter's a silly little filly. Tried to stop me. Thinks yer gonna make it outta this town afore the duel."
"Y-yeah?"
>"So yer first problem..."
>out of the big heavy bag, a smaller heavy bag plops on the table
>"Y'ain't got the bits fer a week. Wal, now ya do."
>that bag
>it's full of bits
"Dismule, this isn't from your dream-money, is it? The castle in Canterlot?"
>he snorts
>"Anawn, if a burro cain't spare some change fer his friends, he ain't a rich burro, no matter how many bits he's got."
"Dismule..."
>"Take it, it ain't hardly nothin'. I'm still far an' away the richest burro in Equestria."
"Th-thanks."
>"Yup. Now yer second problem..."
>out of the big heavy bag...
>a revolver
>"I heard ya don't know how ta shoot. I kin show ya."
"Show me?"
>"Yeh. We kin head out to the plains an' set up some bottles. I've been a wanderer 'round these parts forty years, ya won't find a better shooter than me in this whole town."
>Razzie peers out from the other side of the room
>"Are you going outside? Can I come too?"

>"Awright, first thing's first, Nonermous. Safety rules, so ya don't shoot nobody 'cept for Collishaw Cueball."
"Okay. Lay it on me."
>"Rule number one, don't never point that thing at nobody or no thing ya don't mean to shoot."
"Okay."
>"An' I mean never. No matter if it's loaded, an' no matter if it's cocked. Ya never know, an' accidents happen."
"Right. Yeah. That makes sense."
>"Rule number two, keep yer hoof - er, claw - er, ahuh, finger, offa the trigger til it's pointin' at somebody or some thing ya mean to shoot."
"All right."
>"Rule number three, don't never cock the hammer til it's pointed at somebody or some thing ya mean to shoot."
"Yeah, okay."
>"That's it."
"There's nothing about a, uh, safety?"
>"A hwat, boy?"
"Never mind."
>Dismule causes a cylinder with six holes in it to slide sideways out of the gun
>with incredible dexterity for someone so old and so finger-less, he inserts a bullet into each hole
>he sticks the cylinder back in, and looks at you
>"Awright. Make sure that littleun of yours is coverin' her ears."
>Razzie is laying on her back
>her hooves are all spread out as wide as she can get them
>like she's trying to photosynthesize or something
"Hey, Razzie, how you doing over there?"
>"I like the sky."
"Yeah?"
>"I don't ever want to live underground again."
"You won't have to. Listen, can you cover your ears for me? It's about to get loud here."
>"Yes, Anon."
>Dismule points the revolver at a bottle stood up about ten feet away
>"Awright, so ya aim... There's a little bead at the end of the gun, make sure that's coverin' the bottle."
>with some indescribable contortion of his hooves, he pulls the hammer back til it clicks into place
>"Cock..."
>and...
>"Fire!"
>a loud crack rings through the sandy plains
>in the same instant, the bottle disappears
>"Think ya kin do that?"
"Sure, sure."
>Awright."
>he hands you the gun
>"Give 'er a go."
>you pick out a bottle
>you put the bead over it
>you cock the hammer back
>and...
>CRACK
>but the bottle
>stands unharmed
>a puff of dust lazily rises up some 50 feet beyond it
>"Wal, that's awright. Yer a big fellar, try leanin' forward a little bit."

Part 7: Day Four

>"Anon."
"Huh? What's up, Razzie?"
>Razzie looks down
>"Never mind. I do not know if you are busy."
"Geez, why so shy all of the sudden? I wasn't busy, I was just thinking. What do you need?"
>she's mumbling now
>but you think you can make out what she's saying
>"I-I don't need it..."
"Well, that's fine, you don't have to need it. What do you want?"
>she trots off without a word
>but comes back with the little bag she brought from the mountain
>she sticks her face into it
>pulls something out
>and drops it
>it's a ball
"What? You wanna play?
>she starts bouncing up and down at the question
>"Yes!"
"Yeah, sure. Wanna go outside?
>"Outside?"
"You know, under the sky?"
>"Oh, can we?"
"With no mad scientists or killer robots to stop us? Can we ever."
>with that careless statement, Razzie's sudden animation stops
>oh, right
>because that mad scientist was basically Razzie's mother
>and she died like a week ago
>the sight of sad little filly prompts you to sudden action
"Oh, no no no, uh..."
>you grab the ball and shake it in front of her face
>hopefully she doesn't know much about dogs
"Hey, hey, you still wanna go outside?"
>"In here is fine..."
>ah shit
>you slip from your chair to the floor
>set the ball down in front of you
>and roll it toward her
>she kicks back at you with a forehoof
>it seems like a good sign
>so you roll it back at her
>and she sends it right back
>the same lazy ball-game you used to play with her in the mountain
>this goes on in silence for a few minutes
>and then
>"Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"Do you think my mother loved me?"
>boom
>wham
>thwack
>there it is:
>the sort of blunt weapon only a child could hit you with
"Well, y-"
>you're cut off
>not so much by any sound
>but a sight
>Razzie is glaring at you
>"Be. Honest."
"Geez, Razzie. That's kind of a tough question..."
>you sigh
"Didn't we already talk about this back in the mountain? Just before we left?"
>"I was crying my eyes out, and you were hurt. I want to talk about it again."
"What for?"
>she shuffles her hooves uncomfortably
>"I want to make sure. To make sure I understand."
"It'll be kind of hard for me to answer that, Razzie. I didn't know her that well."
>"You're the only one who knew her at all, besides me."
>the heart-shaped locket of the mad scientist Phylum Strata weighs heavy in your pocket
>you're not the only one...
>you should really find a way to tell Razzie about her sister
>soon
>but not right now
>"Anon?"
"Well, my honest opinion is a little complicated. Are you all right with that?"
>"Yes. She'd want me to face the facts, head on."
>well
>unfortunately, there's no way to tell her the truth without being blunt
>no way to keep the truth from hurting her, once she knows it
>if she wants it so bad...
>well, let's just get the band-aid ripped off quickly
"She told me, more or less, that she didn't."
>the ball rolls into Razzie's hoof
>and stops there
"She told me that she was only pretending to, for your health."
>Razzie just doesn't kick the ball back at you
"She told me that she didn't feel any emotion, ever. She wanted to be completely cold and unfeeling at all times, and, if she didn't kill you for an experiment, wanted the same for you someday."
>Razzie's head tilts forward to a point where her mane falls over her eyes
"I don't think she was being completely honest with me. I don't think she was being completely honest with herself."
>"How could she be dishonest with herself? How could anyone?"
"Well, in the same way as you can not know what you want. Everyone's complicated."
>"Too complicated."
"Yeah. You already know that she'd decided to kill you just before the end."
>"Yes."
"She was dying of old age, and she thought, no, she knew there was a way she could live longer using your body."
"She'd been planning it for a while. She forced me to practice this process on others."
>Razzie gasps
>"You killed ponies?"
>not exactly, but...
>the sight of that old stallion's body sobbing like a little filly...
"I might as well have."
>"But... my mother forced you to, right?"
"Yeah."
>"Then... she would have forced you to..."
"Yeah. She wanted me to do the procedure on you."
>"And you killed her for it."
"Not exactly. I chased her to the lava pit, but she jumped in all on her own."
>"But why?"
"Because she hadn't been honest with herself til then. She thought it was justice."
>you take a second to take a deep breath
>but Razzie gets in your face
>"T-tell me more! I need to know everything!"
>your mouth cracks into a smile that you can't feel in your eyes
"Remember the day you played checkers with her?"
>"Yes."
"Right after that, she started looking for ways to live longer that would let you live."
"She told me that she felt something that day. She felt real affection for you that day. And it scared her. She tried to get rid of it."
"But even though it scared her, it got her to look for a way that you could both live, together."
>"But she failed, didn't she?"
"Yeah. She did. And shortly after that, she doubled down on being cold and unfeeling, and, well, you remember waking up in my body."
>there
>now she knows the whole, fucked-up affair
>the kind of thing you had always assumed was emphatically impossible in Equestria
>you'd wanted to wait til she was older to tell her
>but you know what?
>talking about it feels good
>and now you've finally got a simple answer for Razzie's original question
"Yes. She loved you. But she didn't realize it til too late."
>"Because she wouldn't face the facts."
"You could put it that way."
>Razzie pokes at the ball a bit
>"I don't want to make the same mistake. I want to look at the world for what it really is, just like she taught me to."
>now she's rolling it under her hoof
>"I want to move forward with my mother in my mind."
>then she kicks it toward you
>"But in my heart, too."

Part 8: Day Five

>"Awright, Anawn. He said traditional rules, right?"
>the bead of the revolver bounces around the bottle
"Yeah."
>"Not quickdraw?"
>your shoulders are starting to hurt from holding the pistol out for so long
"No."
>"That's good. Means you can take yer time aimin'."
>finally the bead starts to settle on the neck of the bottle
>"Take all day if ya like. When it's yore turn ta shoot, there ain't no pressure at all. 'Member to breathe, now."
>no pressure at all
>except if you miss then it's Cueball's turn
>and he won't miss
>thunder cracks in your hands
>a puff of dust rises beyond the bottle
>the bottle itself is unharmed
>"That's awright now, that's awright. Jes' try it again."
>it doesn't take long to get the bead centered on the neck of the bottle again
>your last shoulder day with Dash was months ago
>but you'll hold that pistol out like your life depends on it
>because it does
>"Git yer legs a little bit further apart."
>a slight shake you hadn't noticed is excorcised from the bead
>"An' try leanin' forward more."
>the bead slides down a bit on the bottle
>your finger makes for the trigger
>"Anawn, ya know why I got that bottle on the ground, don'tcha?"
>your finger goes straight again
>"It's ta get ya used ta aimin' low."
>the bead slides down a little further
>"Real low, lower than ya want."
>it's sitting at about the middle of the bottle
>"Big fellar like you, ain't never shot a revolver before, you'll shoot high every time."
>you let the bead hover around three quarters of the way down the bottle
>"I'm tellin' ya, ya aim low on Cueball's chest, you'll gettem. Ya try aimin' at his head, you'll shoot high."
>all right
>you stick the bead right on the bottom rim of the bottle
>the gun cracks out
>the bottle is lost in a puff of yellow sand
>and when the dust settles...
>it's still standing
>Dismule clears his throat
>"Eh, mebbe not that low. Yer closest shot yet, though."
>you let the pistol aim at the ground
>take one hand off of it
>and wipe the sweat off your brow
>"That's awright now. Try it again, I think you'll get it this time."
>placing both hands on the pistol once more, you put the bead back on the bottle
>without rear sights, it takes a bit for you to be confident that it's lined up with your eye correctly
>the bead is sitting right on that lower rim again
>in teeny little increments, it inches its way up
>when it looks like the barrel is covering the bottom rim of the bottle
>that's when thunder peals out again
>and at last
>the bottle explodes into a million little pieces

Part 9: Day Six

>you actually managed to hit most of the bottles today
>but that duel is tomorrow
>it's, maybe, 10 at night right now?
>sleeping isn't easy when you're probably gonna get shot tomorrow
>it'd be nice to talk to someone about it
>ever since you got the bright idea to tell Razzie everything you knew about her mother, she's been...
>pensive?
>not sad anymore, at least there's that
>she's just
>thoughtful
>the point is, she's processing her own problems right now
>also she's like ten
>and she's asleep
>fuck
>you haven't made any arrangements for what should happen to her if you...
>shit
>that's about an extra three thousand pounds of weight on your shoulders
>you get dressed
>and step outside
>the little desert town is deathly quiet in the dark
>the perfectly cloudless night affords you a brilliant starlight that's more than bright enough to see by
"I'm giving you a nightcall..."
>no
>stop that
>you find yourself making your way through town
>heading toward the apple farm
>you've got a mind to see that grove again
>the one Jonagold had you working in when you first showed up
>the big apple orchard is almost like a small forest, sitting there on the river
>it's certainly an impressive piece of work
>hopefully nobody minds you taking a walk through it
>it's not like you're here to steal the damn apples
>you just need to think
"... to tell you how I feel..."
>motherfucker I said stop

>as you approach the grove, you realize that even the river is flowing silently in the cool darkness of the desert night
>the only sound you'd expect to hear would be the quiet rustling of the ground under your boots
>so what are those voices you're hearing?
>"Look, all I'm saying is you gotta let the man fight his own battle."
>Jonagold
>you hug the dark side of a big apple tree
>"It ain't his battle though. It's ours, and I dragged him into it. I-I-I manipulated him!"
>Apple Fritter
>it's taking your eyes a few minutes for your eyes to adjust to the increased darkness
>"What? Apple Fritter, no. You made friends with him. From what I gather, Nonermous was hurting, and you reached out to him. You did a good thing."
>ah
>in case there was any doubt, they're definitely talking about you
>Apple Fritter sniffs
>"I was always hanging off him to keep Piebald away. That's what got Cueball after him."
>"Fritter, I got the impression you really liked the fella. You sayin' that was all fake?"
>Apple Fritter makes some kind of whining noise
>as you begin to make out her form, you see her kick at the dirt
>"No."
>"Well all right then. You're not so bad. You been acting funny since you read Pa's journal, you just-"
>"There was a telegram. I hid it from you, Jonny. It was from Applejack, asking us to be on the lookout for Nonermous, and to send him back to Ponyville. We got it a little before Nonermous left."
>"Fritter..."
>"If I'd told him to go home, he wouldn't have gotten carried off to some mountain, and he wouldn't have this duel tomorrow."
>Jonagold spends a minute considering this
>"But the princess wouldn't have come, and maybe we wouldn't still own the farm."
>"Is that worth it?"
>Jonagold sighs
>"All right, let's say this is all your fault. It's not like you coulda known-"
>"That's not the point, Jonagold! Even if it wasn't my fault, we're still his friends, ain't we? We've got to stop this duel from happening!"
>huh
>well if that's the way Fritter feels, it's no wonder she's been acting so strangely
>shit, if she read that journal she probably blames herself for her father's disappearance too
>because he wrote he was seeking the Horn for Fritter
>as if that makes it her fault
>it's the same with you
>she'd told you about the problems she was having
>you'd wanted to help
>hell, this whole mess feels like your own damn fault to you
>if you'd taken a second to stop playing cowboy and actually think...
>if you'd gone home when that telegram came...
>told Twilight about everything going on down here...
>but then, what would have happened to Razzie?
>no, everything turned out for the best
>if you come off the worse for it
>but everyone else comes off the better
>that's a good thing
>isn't it?
>you'll have to tell Fritter something along those lines before the duel tomorrow
>a third voice clears his throat
>in the dim light, you can make out Dismule
>"Anawn's gotta chance in that duel tomorra, Apple Fritter. You shouldn't try to stop it, you'll only hurt his pride."
>"That's true, Fritter. You shouldn't take the man's pride like that."
>Fritter scoffs
>"Pride! You colts... he's takin' a chance more than he's got as chance! You're talking about lettin' our friend throw away his life for pride? Wh-what about that filly he's picked up? Does she gotta hurt for pride too?"
>"Anawn can hit Cueball if he's got time to aim, an' in a traditional duel, he'll have time."
>"That's assumin' Cueball doesn't try nothing funny. It's also assuming Nonermous wins the coin toss. He's got a 50/50 shot at best."
>Dismule procures something in his hoof that you can't quite see, and chuckles
>"Oh, I'd say he's got better'n that, missy. I'm the boy's second. I kin flip this hyar trick coin tomorra. Anawn'll be none the wiser, an' Picacholt'll be in for a new sherrif."
>Fritter sighs
>"Sombra."
>a shape you'd assumed to be a rock takes on a white glow
>the unmistakable growl of Sombra rumbles through the grove
>damn, even he's here
>"Mister Sombra, you said you can't hurt anyone, right?"
>Sombra rumbles for a bit
>"No hurt ponies."
>Jonagold cringes
>"C'mon Fritter, don't make a deal with that thing."
>"He's a he, and I'm just asking some questions."
>Fritter gets up close to Sombra
>"Now, Mister Sombra, you say you can't hurt ponies, but..."
>she taps her chin with her hoof for a moment
>"Can you let ponies get hurt?"
>"Ponies get hurt all the time."
>did Sombra just speak a complete sentence?
>you knew getting him out of that dungeon would do him some good
>"Yeah, I know that. What I mean is, if you're right there, watchin' someone about to get hurt, and you could maybe do something about it. Are you able to sit there and do nothing, or do you have to do something?"
>Sombra doesn't grumble
>instead, he thinks in silence
>"Don't know."
>"Well, what do you think would happen?"
>"Don't know."
>"No guesses?"
>Sombra's silence implies that he has no guesses
>Fritter sighs
>"All right, look. If you saw Anon about to get hurt, would you stop it? Even if you didn't have to?"
>Sombra's growling takes on a deeper, more guttural note
>"Don't know..."
>Fritter turns tail on Sombra's crystal
>"Fine, be that way. He's your friend too, you know."
>Sombra doesn't reply
>but in his crystal
>you see a big, green eyeball
>it seems to be staring straight at you
>does he see you?
>you know he can see just fine in the dark
>and he can detect bad feelings
>and...
>you didn't realize it til just now
>but you're feeling pretty pissed

>Jonagold shakes his head
>"Look, Apple Fritter, I don't know about stoppin' the duel, but I do know we gotta be there to see it. I'm goin' to bed now. You can come home with me or you can stay here plotting."
>Jonagold makes his way out of the grove, heading in the direction of the farmhouse
>Dismule yawns
>"Yup, I'd better hit the hay too. I'm Anawn's second after all. Don't worry so much, little missy. I seen lots of folks get through tough sitiations in the West, an' I think Anawn'll be one of 'em."
>he canters off after Jonagold
>Apple Fritter hangs her head
>"Nonermous is in danger. Why doesn't anyone wanna help?"
"Maybe I'm a big boy, Fritter. Maybe I can take care of myself."
>Apple Fritter falls on her ass
>"N-Nonermous! How long have you been there?"
"Long enough."
>you stride into the starlight, where she can see you
"Fritter, why? Why all this plotting behind my back? If you've got a problem with me, why not just come to me about it?"
>she stamps her hoof at the question
>"Because you're gonna get shot at tomorrow, Nonermous! You're gonna get shot at and you don't even care!"
>she marches right up to you
>close enough that you can make out the scowl on her face
>"You haven't tried to get outta town once since that time I tried to help you! You-you..."
>she pulls back a forehoof and punches you in the hip with it
>"Stupid!"
>punch
>"Selfish!"
>punch
>"Lazy!"
>punch
>"Bastard!"
>before you know what's going on, her face is buried in your belly
>and
>somehow
>your shirt is wet now
>"You think you can just show up my life, make a complete  ass of yourself, and then take a train outta here... probably without even sayin' goodbye! Just like you did to Princess Twilight!"
"Fritter? What are you talking about?"
>"It's real easy to go through life pretendin' like nobody cares about you, ain't it? You can just up and leave whenever you like, or get shot, and nobody cares, right?"
>a single sob is fired into your abdomen
>"But I care about you. And Jonagold cares about you. And Dismule cares about you. And that little child you took in, she needs you!"
>one sob becomes two
>"And... and you got a princess who loves you! And all of her friends care about you too."
>your fingers find their way into Fritter's mane
>you appreciate the warm, soft sensation for a moment
>but you can't bear it for any longer than that
"You're just like her."
>"Who?"
"Your cousin. Applejack."
>you push Fritter's head off of you
>and step back
"The way you want to get involved in my problems, but you can't let my own damn problems be about me."
>you grimace
"It always comes back to Princess Twilight Sparkle, doesn't it?"
>your head is feeling a bit light
"I can't go where I want because it'd make her feel bad, I can't pick fights when I want because it'd make her look bad, I can't die how I damn well want because... because-"
>"Die?! Nonermous, no!"
>Apple Fritter assaults your belly with her tear-soaked muzzle once again
>"I'm your friend, Nonermous... I own a magic rock that can do anything I want, because you brought it to me. You think I'd let you... die from a gunshot wound?"
"It's not- nevermind, I can tell Twilight didn't tell you as much as you think she did. And if you're not gonna let me die, why the hell do you care about the duel anyway?"
>"What if I can't save you, even with the Peg-Horn?"
>she nuzzles into you as deeply as your abs allow her to
>"And what if... what if you win?"

Part 10: The Duel

>the little clock tower in the center of town strikes twelve
>with every deep knell of the bell, the midday desert sun grows more and more oppressive
>a pair of wooden railings have been set up as barriers, about ten feet apart
>Collishaw Cueball isn't here yet
>the sound of a train whistle pulls your gaze to the station
>sure enough, there's a little passenger train pulling in right now
>looks like they got it fixed, after all
>Apple Fritter tugs on your pant leg
>wait
>when did she get here?
>"Now's your chance, Nonermous. We can get you on that train right now. You don't have to do this."
>your mouth speaks before your brain can process what she's saying
>and what it says surprises you
"No."
>"What? Why?"
>your brow furrows
"I've... got my reasons."
>"Wha- well, you've got your reasons! Would you mind tellin' me what reason you could possibly have to stick around and get shot?"
>that's a good question
>but there's a
>pressure
>in the back of your neck
>and it's urging you to stay
>a heavy breath escapes your nostrils
"I guess... I'm afraid to."
>"Afraid to go? How's that more scary than getting shot?"
"No. I mean I'm afraid to tell you my reasons. It's like... if I put them into words, I might lose them."
>Apple Fritter's eyes grow to the size of dinner plates
>even as her pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks
>"What are you talking about? You need to go! Who's gonna take care of that little Raspberry Heaven of yours if... if worst comes to worst?"
>a crowd is forming along the side of the road
>they're eyeing you
>uncertainly
>like they don't quite want to root for a big monster they barely know
>but they also don't want to root against someone who might shoot Collishaw Cueball
>but there's one face in the crowd who sticks out
>there's something in Razzie's eyes, as they meet yours
>you've never seen it before
>not directed at you, anyway
>it's something like...
>admiration?
>trust?
>excitement?
>whatever it is, it gives you your answer
"I'll take care of her. No matter what."
>Fritter snorts her anxiety
>and then hisses
>"And what if you... what if you kill Collishaw Cueball? What if you change? What you get... hard?"
"You brought this up last night, Fritter. I hate to break it to you, but I've already changed. A lot. Looking back on these past few years... or even just these past few months... Even if it hurts, what's a little bit more change?"
>Fritter shakes her head vigorously
>"Killin's different, Nonermous! I seen it!"
"Well, I'll just have to try not to kill him then. I'll try my best, I promise."
>Fritter doesn't answer with words
>but in the hot, dry air
>she shivers
"Here comes Cueball now. Get off to the side, Fritter, you'll be safer there."

>Collishaw Cueball is cantering in from the direction of the station
>"Sorry I'm late, now. Just had to grab my second."
>his second?
>that mare with him?
>no way
>Dismule voices his disbelief before you can
>"How'd a crooked snake like you git Truth Virey fer a second?"
>Truth glares at him over her sunglasses
>"Easy, burro. A duel with a lawpony's serious business. I just wanna keep things legal."
>Cueball laughs
>"Think of Truth Virey as a promise: no tricks. When all this is said and done, I don't want nobody thinkin' it was nothin' but fair and square."
>well
>it makes sense
>Marenberg's sherif is the mare with the letter of the law for a cutie mark
>if there's anyone who could keep everyone honest, it's her
>ah, wait
>she's glaring at you now
>is this about the time you introduced yourself to her with a fake name?
>hopefully she's too much a stickler for the rules to act on a grudge
>Cueball takes his position at the barrier opposite yours and begins waving his hoof
>"Seconds, let's lay out the rules and get this show on the road."
>traditional rules for an Equestrian pistol duel are as follows:
>the duel begins with a coin toss to decide who shoots first
>as opposed to quickdraw rules, wherein the seconds shout go and both parties just shoot
>traditional rules take skill out of the equation, with the obvious exception of aim
>the idea behind this is to let fate decide which party is in the right
>Cueball snickers
>"'Course, it's also the only kinda duel poor Nonermous here would have a chance in."
>Dismule objects to this, in his usual eloquent way
>"Would you keep yer trap shut, Cueball?"
>the first party to shoot will begin ten paces behind the barrier
>upon receiving the signal to go, the party may advance as far as he likes, so long as he doesn't pass the barrier
>then, he shoots
>Virey eyeballs you
>"There ain't really a set amount of time you gotta shoot in, but it's rude to keep your partner detained for too long."
>if the second party is in any condition to shoot, he does the same thing the first party did
>after this, the duel usually ends
>but Cueball interjects
>"I'd like to propose a few extra terms."
>Virey nods
>"As the challenger, that's your right."
>Dismule cocks his eyebrow
>"Only if Anawn accepts though."
"It's fine, I'll hear it out."
>the extra terms laid out by Cueball are as follows:
>if the first encounter passes without effect, there will be a second encounter
>and if that also passes without effect, a third
>Dismules eyes are bulging out of their wrinkled sockets
>"Why, that's savage! Fourth shot's outta the question!"
>Truth Virey is eyeing Cueball nervously
>"Of course. No fourth encounter. But if Mr. Nonermous accepts-"
"I accept."
>Truth Virey coughs
>"Well in that case, it's customary for the parties to have a chance to reconcile. Would either party like to extend any kind of apology now, and cancel the duel?"
>does Collishaw Cueball seem a just little too lighthearted to anyone else here?
>"Nope!"
"No."
>Dismule steps forward
>"Wal then, let's flip the coin now. Sherif Virey, if you don't mind me havin' the honor?"
>"Very well."
>Dismule procures a coin
>"Heads Anawn shoots first, tails an' Cueball does. Sound fair?"
"Hang on! I'd prefer tails."
>Dismule sputters
>you're guessing his trick coin was designed to land on heads
>hey, if Collishaw Cueball of all ponies won't cheat, then neither will you
"That is, if it's acceptable to everyone involved."
>when Cueball and Virey both voice their assent, Dismule has no choice
>the poor old burro lets out a sigh
>"Awright. Heads fer Collishaw Cueball, tails fer Anawnermus Faggot."
>the coin is tossed
>heads

>all right
>now that there's actually a gun pointed at you, maybe you should have just let Dusmule flip the trick coin
>oh, shit
>yeah, that is some fairly intense panic you're feeling
>is it showing on your face?
>you're pretty sure it's showing on your face
>the smile on Cueball's face
>it's not so much a smirk, like you'd expect from a bad guy in a situation like this
>he looks
>at peace?
>without warning, the sound of the hammer cocking back hits you like a slap in the face
>when you open your eyes
>oh, hey, you cringed and glued your eyes shut
>when you open your eyes
>yep, there's that amused little grin you were expecting
>CRACK
>when you open your eyes
>oh yeah, you flinched so hard you fell back on your ass
>upon a brief patdown of your torso, you're amazed to find that you have not, in fact, been shot
>a puff of dust rises from the ground directly in front of Cueballs barrier
>what the hell?
>you get up, slowly
"Did you just shoot at the ground?"
>you appeal to the seconds
"Can he do that?"
>Cueball snorts
>"What? Miss? Most folks would be happier about that."
"But you missed on purpose!"
>"Just don't feel like killin' anyone today. You're welcome."
"What the hell are you playing at?"
>Truth Virey snaps at you
>"Collishaw Cueball's well within his rights to shoot how he likes. Are you gonna take your shot or not?"
>Dismule paws at the ground thoughtfully
>"The boy's gotta point. Ya cain't have a duel if Cueball's just gonna shoot at the ground every time."
>Cueball rears in impatience
>"Ain't no rule sayin' so! Besides, you don't know how I'll shoot next, so-"
>CRACK
>while Cueball was defending himself, you advanced to the barrier
>and put your bead on his hoof
>the crooked sherif jumps back from the puff of dust that's now rising maybe an inch from where he was standing
>"You're a real sneaky monster, you know that?"
>shit, man
>"An' weren't you just complainin' about me shootin' the ground? Boy, you ain't got the aim to clip me on the hoof."
>as he's speaking, Cueball casually waves his gun in the air
>so casually, in fact, that it's not til several seconds after the CRACK that you realize he's shot into the air
"He's doing it again!"
>a whispered, collective giggle arises from the crowd
"Oh, come on!"
>"Would you kindly take your second shot, Mr. Nonermous?"
>he sounds like he's patiently explaining something
>to an upset child
>shit damnit
>as you back up to the ten foot mark, your head whips around, looking for familiar faces
>Razzie waves eagerly at you when your eyes meet hers
>Jonagold takes care to keep your eyes from meeting his
>Apple Fritter is nowhere to be seen
>and Dismule, of course, is your second
>wow
>there's literally nobody else in this whole town who you know at all
>it's just like Ponyville
>but with two less familiar faces
>or three, since Apple Fritter seems to be boycotting the duel
>you aim your gun in the general direction of Cueball's foreleg
>because even though she's not here
>you did promise Apple Fritter you wouldn't shoot to kill
>because even after everything that's happened
>the idea of taking a life feels sickening when the power to actually do it is in your hands
>you advance to the barrier
>once there, you steady the bead around your adversary's knee
>Cueball notices
>"Aimin' real low there, pard."
>CRACK
>the slightest whiff of smoke flies from a lamppost in the distance
>another miss
>you make a point of backing up to the ten foot mark before the sherif can surprise you again
>before taking his final shot, Collishaw Cueball breaks into a huge, toothy grin
>and then
>he fucking turns around
>does a
> motherfucking
>180
>and shoots at the ground from there
>this is too much
"This is bullshit! You're the one who wanted this duel! I've been stuck here for a week over this!"
>you're stamping your foot now
>Cueball is just grinning and nodding
"You-you flung yourself at my feet to make this happen! You!"
>his hoof flies to his heart in mock scandal
>"What a bizarre accusation, Mr. Nonermous. I did no such thing."
>you make a sound like a roar
>and the crowd laughs
"You-you made like..."
>you have to pause
>you can't seem to get enough breath
>even as he's grinning, Collishaw Cueball's brow furrows
>"Like what?"
"Like..."
>your adversary is roaring at you now
>"Tell me! What did I make like, Nonermous?"
>your teeth grit
>Truth Virey tries to intervene
>"This ain't gentlecoltly conduct, either of you! Take your last shot an' be done with it!"
>you're gripping the gun so tightly that it hurts
"You made like I'd insulted you."
>you'll spend a lot of time reflecting on this moment in the future
>and eventually you'll conclude...
>this was exactly what he'd wanted to hear
>"Insulted me?"
>the crooked sherif's grin splits open like a zit
>"Nonermous Faggot, you could ''never'' insult me."
>you don't bother advancing to the barrier
>you aim your revolver straight for Collishaw Cueball's black heart
>CRACK

>for a moment, the smug grin is wiped off of Cueball's face
>a spider-web of cracks sits in a wall of glowing crystal
>the hole from which the cracks extend is proof that your aim was true
>and that your heart was murderous
>but Collishshaw Cueball stands unharmed behind the wall
>and now that the moment of shock has worn off
>he's laughing
>the face of Sombra looms large within the crystal wall
>and when you see him
>the gun falls from your hand
>his eyes are full to the brim
>with an unutterable...
>sadness?
>you don't have time to tell for sure
>Apple Fritter appears before the barrier
>her eyes glistening with angry tears
>her mane swept aloft by a magical breeze
>the Peg-Horn of Darkstar in her mouth
>she swishes the artifact once
>the sand beneath your feet is no more
>and when the desert starts sliding by you
>that's when you realize
>Apple Fritter just teleported you onboard the first train out of Picacholt

One Last Post: You Sure Can

>well shit
>eventually, your heartbeat becomes a little less like a jackhammer
>you wipe the sweat off your brow
>and take a seat in the empty train car
>wait
>empty?
>"Hello, Anon!"
>Razzie greets you from the seat next to yours
"Hey, you. Were you waiting for me here?"
>"Um, Miss Apple Fritter told me I was going to stay with her, but then I told her I would be sad if you left, and then I was here."
>you take your hand and rub it on her head
>the filly lets out a sigh and presses into the headpat
>it's as therapeutic for you as it is for her
"Well it's a good thing you're here. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next. Can you help me figure it out?"
>"I'll help you, Anon."
"Well, I've got a house up in Ponyville. I could go back there and you could stay with me."
>you can tell Razzie is paying attention
>but you're not really sparking her interest
"You'd go to school, make friends, get your cutie mark, get a boyfriend-"
>"A what?"
"Never you mind that. We'll talk about it in thirty years or so.
>you quiet the inquisitive filly with another headpat before she can ask any more questions
"The point is, we'd have normal lives there. I was friends with the princess up there, too, so that's... I dunno, something."
>was
>why did you say "was"?
>Razzie cocks her head
>"That sounds interesting."
"Yeah? Well that was option one. This is option two."
>you take the heart-shaped locket out of your pocket
>open it
>and hand it to Raspberry Heaven
>now this has her interested
>"Who is she?"
"Your big sister. Your mother gave me that, before she... you know."
>"My big sister? Like those bones on the mountain?"
"No! No. I hope not, anyway. No. She's a normal big sister, as in, a normal pony, who isn't a pile of bones."
>"How do you know?"
"I think I met her, a little over a year ago. She seemed mostly normal to me. Had all her skin, at least."
>Razzie looks at the locket
>then at you
>then back at the locket
>"So, option two is... I stay with my sister?"
"Well, that's just the thing. I don't know where she is now. So option two is we keep on wandering, and maybe we find her."
>Razzie spends a few minutes bombarding you with questions about Amber Ember
>"Is she nice?"
>"Will she like me?"
>stuff like that
>thankfully, the sight of Amber playing with those foals in the hospital makes up like 80% of your impression of her
>so you can honestly give Razzie all positive answers
>and the more you tell her
>the more she smiles
>at last, she arrives at her decision
>"I think I want option two."
>your fingers work their way behind Razzie's ear
"Are you absolutely sure about that? This wandering life is hard, you know. It's real easy to get hurt out here."
>the thoughtful little filly considers this for a moment
>but only a moment
>"But you can get hurt at home, too."
>the words make your neck prickle
>Twilight Sparkle is whispering in your ear again:
>"It didn't really mean anything."
"That's true, Razzie."
>you shoo the imaginary Twilight off of your shoulder
"You sure can."

THE END

Thanks for reading. The Anonymous Faggot saga might not be the best thing I've ever written, but it was definitely the passion project I cared the most about. I always meant to write more, but for the foreseeable future the main story ends here. There are, however, two indirect sequels. "The Caretaker" and "Applied Magics: A Tale of /cyber/pone/", both of which can be found here in my account.

Sic Semper Autisticus,
Writefag_Roulette

UPDATE 9/28/23: FUCKING disregard what I said above about this being the end of the story. The third story is written. Just need to get it edited and then it goes up. Planning on just dumping it on ponepaste since /gtpone/ kind of doesn't exist anymore. It's also a lot shorter than the first two stories. It's not so much the final part of a trilogy as it is the final act of the overarching narrative. I know there's a maximum of like five people who might give a shit, but the finale of this autistic monstrosity that took me almost eight years to finish is going up SOON.

UPDATE 10/1/23: It's up: https://ponepaste.org/9354