https://web.archive.org/web/20190825224624/https://mlpol.net/mlpol/res/236417.html#239654

Chapter I

>your name is Anonymous Filly
>it's been 9 years since your life was turned upside-down
>that was when you became the first man to set foot in Equestria
>it's been 4 years since your life was turned upside-down again
>that is to say your life was turned doubly upside-down
>not that it was turned right-side up
>that was when you had Twilight Sparkle transform you into a small earth filly so you could win a bet
>and when you both found out that she couldn't turn you back
>gee, with a name like yours, who could have seen that coming?
>well, you've more or less come to terms with it by now
>obviously, you're never going to have sex with anything ever
>because no matter what you do, it's gay
>other than that, life's been okay you guess
>Twilight was good enough to let you stay with her til you're big enough to take care of yourself again
>she's been making you go back to school
>but the lessons on Equestrian history and magic have been helping you see the value in that
>the point is
>you've settled into something like "normalcy"
>objectively, of course, your life is far from normal
>but you've found a balance
>and, generally, things are calm now
>today is the day that all that gets shat on
>today is the day your life gets turned upside-down again… again
>that is to say
>from this point forward
>your life will be triply upside-down
>you flop out of bed and stretch your glutes
>hot damn, it's Sunday
>that means pancakes
>but when you enter the kitchen
>the kitchen is empty
>huh
>she must have slept in a little later than usual
>oh well
>it's a beautiful day out
>surely, by the time you get back from a good old-fashioned Sunday morning stroll she'll be up
>you're about to head out the front door when it bursts open
>Twilight's friends go racing past you
>fast
>you go down in a spinning heap
"Hey! What's the big idea?"
>the five of them skid to a cartoonish stop
>Applejack takes off her hat and fans herself with it
>"Sorry 'bout that, Anon. Have you seen Twilight?"
"No, not yet."
>they all exchange worried looks
>then they take off running again
>you decide to go after them
"Wait up! What's going on?"
>by the time you catch up with them, they're panicking together in Twilight's room
>Applejack throws her hat on the floor and stomps on it
>"Doggone it! Not Twilight, too!"
>Fluttershy shudders like a leaf
>"What are we gonna do what are we gonna do what are we gonna do?"
>Pinkie Pie is sticking her head in every nook, cranny, and drawer of Twilight's room
>"Twilight! Where are you? Are you here? Are you there? Oh, shoot! This is the worst game of hide and seek ever!"
"Guys! What's going on?"
>Rainbow Dash screams at you
>"What's going on is Twilight's gone missing!"
>Rarity shakes her head
>"And not just Twilight…"
>Applejack stomps on her hat again
>"Every alicorn in Equestria just up and disappeared!"
>oh
>is that all?
>armed with this new information, you do the best thing you can think of right now
>that is, you run around and scream with everyone else
>the cacophany comes to a sudden stop when somebody telepoofs into the room
>a tall, grey unicorn stallion with a curly, white beard clears his throat
<"Excuse me, is this where Princess Anonymous lives?"
>Twilight's friends instinctively step away from you
>the stallion's eyes lock onto you
<"How do you do, Princess Anonymous? My name is Starswirl. I'm here to take you to Canterlot."
"Huh? I'm not a princess."
>Starswirl cocks a bushy eyebrow
<"You are the daughter of Princess Twilight Sparkle, are you not?"
"Adopted. Sort of. It's all… very… very… irregular."
>Starswirl sighs
<"As long as it's legal, it's good enough for succession. Come with me Princess Anonymous; you are now the ruler of all Equestria."

>Starswirl's long-range teleportation spell leaves you dry-heaving on the marble floor of some tower in Canterlot Castle
<"Hrm. I see you're not used to teleportation."
>you struggle to your hooves
"Nope."
>you shake the nausea out of your mane
"So, uh, this is all an elaborate joke, right?"
<"A joke? What ever do you mean?"
"I mean, Twilight's friends tell me all the princesses are gone, then you show up and claim to be a guy who lived over a thousand years ago, you tell me I'm in charge of a whole country, and then you make me sick with that telepoofing shit. Haha, whoah, so bizarre, now if you'll excuse me I have pancakes to eat."
>the stallion who called himself "Starswirl" shakes his head
<"I'm afraid this is all quite real. Every alicorn princess in Equestria seems to have disappeared. If you'll look out that window you'll find the ponies of Canterlot in quite a panic."
>you glance at the window
>but don't dare to look down at the streets
<"For your second point, I did indeed live over one thousand years ago, but a short while ago Princess Twilight freed me and my fellow Pillars from our temporal prison. Thus, I live again."
"Is that right? Man, Twilight doesn't tell me anything anymore."
<"Indeed not, it seems. For she apparently never told you that you are her legal heir."
"Nope, definitely not. Shouldn't Spike be her legal heir though? I mean, Twilight adopted him way before me."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"No. The dragon was legally adopted by Princess Twilight's parents, making him an adopted brother rather than an adopted child. Furthermore, as a non-pony, he is ineligible to be the head of a royal Equestrian house."
"Hey, well, uh, I'm not a pony either! Check my records, I was born as an alien monster."
<"I am quite aware of your past, Princess Anonymous. I'm also quite aware that you are a pony now, and will be for the remainder of your life. It is enough."
>oh, no, no, no, no
>that sinking feeling in your gut…
>there's only one card left for you to play
"I-isn't there anyone else?"
>Starswirl sighs
<"After you, there is one other in the line of succession. A distant descendent of Princess Celestia, who is considered her "nephew" for simplicity's sake."
>Starswirl glances at an hourglass in the room
>it's about half drained
<"Speaking of him, he should be paying us a visit-"
>the door flies open
>a white unicorn stallion with a wavy blonde mane storms in and begins screaming
_"Uncle Starswirl, I am telling you, I deserve to be the king of all Equestria. Imagine! A statue of me, gracing every-"
<"For the last time, Blueblood, I am not your uncle! Leave me; I'm speaking with your princess!"
>Blueblood's eyes lock onto you
>first he looks shocked
>then he looks angry
>then he looks friendly
_"Why hello, there, little Princess Nonny. Would you like some candy? All you have to do is sign-"
>the ivory room grows black
<"Leave us, Blueblood!"
>Blueblood scrambles out
>the room becomes bright again
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"If you abdicate your throne, Anonymous, he will take it."
>the thought of that sends prickles up your spine
"But… he's a total fucking faggot!"
>the old wizard nods gravely
<"Indeed."
"And there's absolutely no other way?"
>Starswirl's eyes glaze over as he stares into space
<"I lived in the age before the princesses. I remember the ways of the kingdoms of the three tribes. A vacuum of power will not stay empty for long. If it is not filled by legitimate succession, then it will be filled by war. Yes… I fear that if neither you nor Blueblood can claim the throne, then this land will be destroyed."
>so
>it's either you
>or Prince Fags-a-lot
>or war
"I mean, how bad could a war possibly be, you ponies don't even have nukes-"
<"Princess Anonymous!"
"Fuck! Fine! I'll do it!"
>as you speak these words, a wave of dizziness crashes through your head
>the stern gaze of the ancient mage softens
<"Wonderful. Now come with me; we must tell the press at once!"

>you don't get a chance to assent to the press conference
>the bearded magician grabs the scruff of your neck in his magic and begins rapidly navigating the castle
"Whoah, geez, the press? I only just accepted the job, dude. Give me some time here."
<"There is no time. The ponies of this land are on the verge of riot, and must have swift reassurance."
"Oh man, oh shit, what do I say?"
<"Answer all questions as simply and honestly as you can. For questions beyond your knowledge, I will answer."
>Starswirl stops before a plain white door and sets you down
>the wrinkly old stallion licks his hoof and begins trying to smooth out your mane with it
>he gives up on that fairly quickly
<"This is the conference room. I will hold open the door for you, you will enter, and you will proceed to the center of the stage. I will follow you in after that. Do not answer any questions until I am at your side."
"Y-yeah. Uh-huh."
<"Enter with confidence. Maintain a poise that is dignified, but not snobbish."
"R-right."
<"And do try not to stutter in front of the journalists. Now go."
>before you can respond, Starswirl the Bearded channels his magic and opens the door
>deep breaths now, Anon
>with a feeling of unreality, you stride onto the stage
>immediately, you're bombarded with shouts and questions
>"Princess Anonymous!"
>"What did you do to Princess Twilight?"
>"How do I pronounce your name?"
>"What's your tax plan?"
>you ignore them, and look straight ahead
>not until you reach the center of the stage do you face the crowd
>a little white filly is waving excitedly at you
"Sweetie Belle?"
>Sweetie Bell holds up her pad and pencil
>"Hi, Anon! You're gonna be in the school paper!"
>immediately, poor Sweetie Belle is swarmed with reporters
>"Tell us more about your relationship with Princess Anonymous!"
>"Is Anon some kind of pet name?"
>"Tell us about the princess! Why does she wear her mane like that?"
<"SILENCE!"
>the roar of the wizard, now at your side, brings the murder of journalists to whispering murmurs
<"Now, if you have questions for the princess, you may raise your hoof and wait to be chosen."
>hundreds of hooves stick straight up in the air
>welp
>this looks like it'll take a while
>you might as well go about this in an orderly fashion
>your first choice is a reporter on the far left of the front row
>"Princess Anonymous, do you know where the other princesses are right now?"
"I… don't."
<"Between the Pillars of Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Wonderbolts, as many members of the Royal Guard as we could spare, and as many volunteers as we could recruit, there are thousands of ponies scouring Equestria for them right now. Rest assured, the princesses will be found."
>the next journalist leers at you suspiciously
>"How can an earth pony be a princess? How do we know you won't be a biased ruler?"
"Well I, um, actually wasn't born as a pony at all. I have no bias toward any one tribe over another."
>"So you're not even a pony?!"
<"You have asked your question. Be silent."
>the third journalist rephrases that last question a bit more politely
>"Princess Anonymous, is it true that, before you were adopted by Princess Twilight, you were an alien creature?"
"Yeah… yes. I remember doing a few interviews for some science journals back in, maybe, 1002, so you should be able to learn more about my old life in some of those."
>next
>"Princess Anonymous, I understand that you're a bit older than you look. However, do you think that a small filly such as yourself is really ready to lead Equestria?"
"Heh… as, uh, ready as I'll ever be, I guess."
<"I will be educating and assisting the young princess in her duties until she is ready, just as I did for Princess Celestia aeons ago. Equestria shall be well-lead now, just as it was then."
>"This question is for Mr. The Bearded. Based on your experiences in princess-education, how long would say it will be until Princess Anonymous is ready to rule on her own?"
<"Ten years, perhaps less. However, I expect that the other princesses will have been brought back safely to Equestria long before then."
>hopefully they're brought back before the end of this damn press conference

>the conference goes on like this for fucking HOURS
>thankfully, Starswirl is there the whole time
>he keeps you from getting torn apart
>even more thankfully, it's over now
>safely backstage, you let out some say some things
>the things you say are somewhat less than appropriate for a princess
>or a filly, for that matter
"Holy fucking BALLS. You think those shit-licking buzzards out there are gonna be satisfied now?"
<"They never are."
>your stomach chooses this moment to let out an unearthly growl
>your knees almost give out
>as though your body wants to remind you that you just accepted responsibility for an entire fucking country
>without eating breakfast first
"Hey, Starswirl, where do I eat?"
<"Ah, yes. Princess Twilight would have made pancakes today, correct?"
>the wizened wizard takes you to the castle's great dining hall
<"Servants! Bring your princess pancakes!"
>a number of well-dressed attendants jump and dash into the kitchen
>Starswirl makes you sit in a massive, oaken chair with the Sun emblazened on it
>which you assume is Celestia's
>the wizard himself takes a place at your right hoof
<"Your late breakfast should be out momentarily."
>sure enough, monocled servants come rushing out to lay huge stacks of pancakes before you
>hot damn
>princessly etiquette is no doubt a skill you'll have to pick up someday
>but someday is not today
>you bury your fucking face in those damn pancakes
>Starswirl pulls a watch from under his cloak and checks the time
<"Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have a small errand to run."
"Yup. Have fun."
>and so, you're left alone with the pancakes
>this growing filly body you're trapped in can really pack them away
>oh yeah, just like Twilight used to make them
>Twi…light…
>the devouring stops
>everything's gone so fast today
>you never had a chance to really think about the personal consequences of what's going on
>you really seriously might never see Twilight ever again
>no, you never thought of her as a "mom"
>she never even told you that she'd done the paperwork to legally adopt you
>and no, you didn't always get along with her
>in fact, you frequently didn't
>and yet…
>there was something of a respect between you
>after the "accident," she was one of the only ones who still spoke to you like an adult
>and now she's…
>you sure do hope she gets found soon
>and then you can laugh together about the time they tried to make you a princess
<"Anonymous, I hope I'm not interrupting any profound thoughts."
>Starswirl trots into the room and drops a newspaper in front of you
<"I brought you something. It's your first appearance in the papers."
>the paper is the Canterlot Chronicle
>its front-page story?
>"MY LITTLE PRINCESS CAN'T BE A RACIST ALIEN," by Rhyme Broderick
>you fling the thing off of the table
"Those dog-fuckers!"
>great, rocking belly laughs thunder from beyond the door to the great hall
^"You were right, Starswirl, she is a foul-mouthed wee princess!"
>Starswirl grins as a huge, teal earth stallion with a red beard canters into the hall
<"Princess Anonymous, I'd like you to meet my dear friend Rockhoof. He's here to help with one of the most important parts of your education."
^"Pleased tae make yar acquaintance."
"H-hi. What exactly is a mythical hero who I didn't think really existed here to help me with again?"
^"Hah! Becomin' an alicorn, of course!"
"Oh. Sure."
>oh
>fuck

Chapter II

"I'm still not entirely sold on this whole 'becoming an alicorn' thing. Can you guys explain it to me again?"
<"Certainly. Ascension to the alicorn race is earned through a prodigious feat of magic, performed in the service of other ponies."
<"For example, Princess Celestia ascended when she first single-hoofedly raised the Sun. Similarly, Luna ascended by raising the Moon. Princess Twilight, I'm told, ascended when she became the first pony to incorporate friendship magic into a written spell, a breakthrough which has redefined the arcane sciences."
"Yeah, but I'm an earth pony."
<"It is not necessary to be a unicorn to perform great feats of magic. The pink princess, whose… name escapes me right now…"
"Cadance?"
<"Yes, her. I've been made to understand that she was born a pegasus."
"So what did she do?"
<"Hrm… I don't believe I ever asked. Rockhoof, you're a keeper of tales."
^"Oh, it was something… about… flying. Or weather, maybe. Ah, the point Starswirl is trying tae make is, all three tribes hae got some sort of magic in them."
<"Indeed. Why, Rockhoof here is perhaps the most powerful earth mage alive today."
^"I'm the only earth mage alive taday, though such things were common in the olden days."
"Right, okay, sure, got it. So earth ponies have some kind of magic too. There's still one thing I don't understand though."
^"What's that, lass?"
"Why do I have to be blindfolded while you guys throw rocks at me?"
^"These are but pebbles, lass."
>to emphasize his point, Rockhoof sends a pebble bouncing off of your flank
"Well they suck."
>Rockhoof sighs
^"Och, tak off the blindfold then."
>the Sun stings your eyes
>Rockhoof sighs
^"It's a bit of a shortcut. Sometimes a blank-flanked foal will have a natural talent for earth magics, and they'll earn their cutie mark during that test. It would hae made things a bit easier for us if it had worked."
"Oh. Well, sorry for sucking."
^"It's nae your fault. Any earth pony can learn earth magics. I'll just teach you the slow way."
>Starswirl smiles
<"Alas, I must attend to less amusing work now. Rockhoof, do make sure our little princess gets to bed at a decent hour. The Sun won't be setting tonight, so make sure you listen for the clock tower."

>Rockhoof has led you to the center of the hedge maze
"So earth ponies are all about strength, right? What are we gonna do? Sparring? Smashing rocks?"
>Rockhoof snorts
^"I dinnae think you're quite ready tae face me in sparring, wee princess."
>glancing up and down Rockhoof's frame, you can see he's easily over three times your size
"Fair enough."
>Rockhoof chuckles
>then points to a little flowerbed
^"No, the first thing we're going tae do is gardening."
>Rockhoof lays down in front of some small, dead flowers
"Gardening? Like, flowers?"
^"Aye. And eventually vegetables. In a few years maybe a nice, big grove of oak trees. Come here, lass, look at these petunias."
>you trot over to lie beside the massive warrior
^"Earth magics are very subtle, Anonym…hm..mh…"
>he coughs
^"Och, how do I say tha name of yours, lass?"
"Just call me Anon."
^"Anon, earth magics are very subtle. There are no fancy spells or such for us. A garden you tend does just a little bit better. A blow you land lands just a little bit harder. It boils down to blood and soil. Mastery over your body, and mastery over the earth."
>Rockhoof gently plucks a dead, dry thing from the end of the flower with his teeth
>and drops it in front of you
^"Crack open that pod. Careful, now."
>using your teeth, you do so
>try as you might to keep it from touching your tongue, a few fragments of the thing land there
>you grimace and spit out the bitter, dead plant matter
^"Look. Look in the pod."
"It's full of seeds."
^"Aye, so 'tis. Plant them."
>you spend the next few minutes scraping out holes with your hooves and dropping seeds in them
^"Not so close."
^"Too deep."
>when the seeds are properly covered up, Rockhoof stands
^"Petunias are flowers that live and die very quickly. You could raise five generations of them before winter falls."
>Rockhoof nods
^"That will do for today. You've been through quite a lot already. Just remember, this garden is yours now."

>your days are to be divided as follows:
>in the afternoons, it's earth magics with Rockhoof
>but in the mornings, it's princess training with Starswirl
<"The first thing you must learn is royal etiquette."
"Well, how much can there really be to that? It's just table manners and stuff, right?"
<"There is a great deal to it. And you must master the fundamentals quickly, for your coronation is at the end of this week."
"Coronation? Like a ceremony? That seems like a bit much."
<"Ceremony is an important part of diplomacy. It's best you learn it now."
"Geez. You keep talking like the real princesses aren't coming back."
<"One may hope for the best, Anonymous, but one must also prepare for the worst. The princesses are an integral part of this land. It is of the utmost importance that you are legitimized in the eyes of the masses as quickly as possible."
"All right, fine, what do I gotta do?"
<"The first thing ponies will see about you is your poise. You must keep your head elevated, level, and forward-facing at all times."
>you bring your head to the position Starswirl described
"Like this?"
<"Yes. However, I advise you exclude the silly facial expression."
>you realize that you've unconsciously put on a grave, stern look to go with the poise
>as you're wiping that away, Starswirl retrieves a crystal dinner plate
>and sets it down on top of your head
"Heh? What did you do that for?!"
>the plate slides off of your head
>and shatters on the ground next to you
>the sound of it startles you into jumping
<"The only way to keep from breaking the plate is to maintain the appropriate royal poise. You are to wear your plate during your princess training for the rest of the week. By the time you are crowned, the royal poise should come as naturally to you as breathing."
>he sets another plate on your head
"But that's nonsense!"
>the plate shatters on the ground
"You show me how to do it!"
<"Alas, with my horn it is impossible. However…"
>Starswirl's horn flashes
>Rockhoof stands before you
>covered in water and pink soap suds
>a rubber duck on his back
>and what appears to be steel wool in his mouth
>he spits out the steel wool
^"Starswirl, old friend! What's the emergency?"
<"Oh, it's nothing so dire as all that. Our little princess could use some moral support. Would you mind showing her how to carry a plate on your head?"
>Rockhoof looks at you
>and grins
^"Ah, ha ha ha hah! Of course."
>Rockhoof grabs a plate in his teeth
>tosses it into the air
>and catches it on his head
^"It's like I was saying. Earth magic is about mastery of the body. This sort of thing comes much easier to earth ponies than it does to unicorns."
>Rockhoof launches himself into the air
>and lands on one forehoof
>all the while holding his head up
>and the plate stays in one piece
<"So you see, it isn't nonsense at all. In fact, it's quite possible."
>Starswirl sets another plate down on your head
>why did you take this job again?

>four days to the coronation
"So we're not going to the garden today?"
^"Oh, we'll visit your garden in a bit. But first, I want to show you mine."
"Your garden?"
^"Aye. It's right over yonder."
>you follow Rockfoof to a corner of the royal garden
"It wouldn't happen to be that grove of massive oak trees, would it?"
^"Sharp lass, it is indeed. Come on then."
>you're surprised to see that Rockhoof actually vanishes among the trees
>this grove can't be more than 20 feet around
>and then you step inside for yourself
>whoah
"It's like stepping inside a forest."
>from the center of the grove, it's impossible to tell that you're in the middle of Canterlot
>you can't see, or even hear, anything beyond the tree line
>unseen insects whirr their contentment
>birds cry out to one another
>a small spring burbles into a tiny brook, which flows out of the grove and presumably down Canterlot Mountain
>Rockhoof laughs
^"I'm glad you're impressed. I planted it myself, over one thousand years ago. There was no Canterlot in those days, just the mountain."
"It's great."
^"Aye. Do ye think you can tell me why I'd make a grove on this spot?"
"Um… it wouldn't be the view, would it?"
^"Hah! Good guess, but no. Here…"
>Rockhoof fishes a small stone out of the brook and tosses it at your hooves
^"Try to crush that stone."
"Are you serious?"
>Rockhoof grins
^"Aye."
>you sit back on your haunches and take the rock in both hooves
>you hold the rock between your forehooves like a vise
>and press as hard as you can
"Holy fuck!"
>a cloud of fine powder floats about your face and tickles your throat
>your hooves just clapped together
>like there was fucking nothing there
>your face splits into a massive grin
>and you repeat the expletive over and over again
"Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck!"
^"Hah! Do ye see now, little Anon? This is a place of power."
"No kidding!"
^"All the magic in the world seeps up out of the earth. All the magic in the earth flows through channels called leylines. This is a spot where two leylines meet, where the magic is so strong that it seeps into the air. That's why I made the grove here."
"So that the earth magic would help the trees grow?"
^"Eh, nae quite. It's more to keep the magic under control. A well-tended grove channels the leyline magic as earth magic, which is nice and peaceful compared to unicorn magic, or even pegasus magic."
>Rockhoof shakes his head
^"Many such intersections have places that do channel the magic as unicorn magic, and nearly every single one of them is a place of evil."
^"Letting the magic seep wild can be bad too. The Everfree Forest was once a grove like this one, but I've been given tae understand that it grew wild as the practice of earth magics died out, and there were no more earth mages tae tend it."
"So earth mages used to go around planting groves on these intersections?"
^"Aye. In a way, you could say we were gardeners for magic itself."
"And the earth magic from the groves is what gives your strength."
^"Well, not in my particular case. I was a fairly weak earth mage, once upon a time. But one day my village was in danger from a volcano, so I dug a trench along a leyline to take the lava tae the sea. As I was digging, I came across an artifact that gave me my great strength and powerful earth magics. Many such artifacts can be found buried along the leylines. However, yes, it was the common way with earth mages tae be strengthened by tending the groves."
"So you're sort of like a muscle wizard, huh?"
^"Hah! You could say that."

>two days to the coronation
<"Start again."
"Oh, fuck you!"
>the plate slides off your head and shatters on the floor
>Starswirl magics a new one it its place
<"Please try not to spout profanities from the podium during the real address."
"Okay. Okay, sure. Give me a fucking second-"
>the plate slides off your head again as you reorganize your notes
>Starswirl waits for you to look up again before replacing it
>coronation speech rehearsal thingy, take 17
"Fellow ponies of Equestria, it is with great honor that I accept this crown."
"It is a symbol of the great trust you have placed in me, and of my commitment to live up to that trust."
"Equestria is a great nation, and even in the face of the tragic loss of our beloved princesses, we will carry on."
>you groan
"Starswirl, I'm still not sure about that line. It sounds like I'm saying that the real princesses are dead or something."
<"The other princesses, Princess Anonymous. They are the other princesses, not the real princesses. You are a princess, and you must start thinking of yourself as such. Imagine if the public heard you-"
"Yeah, okay, it sounds like I'm saying the other princesses are dead. Can we get that line changed?"
>Starswirl sighs
<"I'll see what I can do. Continue."
"Equestria is a nation that has overcome hardship after hardship for over a thousand years, and by the power of our harmony and friendship, this great Equestrian tradition shall go on for a thousand years more."
>you cringe
"Are you sure I should be predicting hardship? Like, maybe I should be predicting peace and prosperity instead?"
<"In this country, any prediction of peace you could give would be proven false in a week."
"Fair enough."
"As the Sun rises, and so does the Moon…"
>you look up at Starswirl
>the obvious objection is clearly showing in your eyes
<"I am aware that the Moon has not risen all week."
>right
>just making sure
"… so too shall Equestria rise up, stronger than ever before."
"And who, my fellow ponies, is to blame for our misfortunes?"
"What band of international capitalists has bled our nation dry with their greed and deception?"
"GRIFFONS!"
>Starswirl sputters
<"That's not what I wrote!"
>you're fighting hard to keep that grin off of your face
"I improved it."
<"With what? A declaration of race war?!"
>you're pretty sure you're losing the fight
"Yes?"
<"Wh-hrm-gh-gah!"
>heh
>no wonder this guy is Twilight's idol
<"Start over!
>oh
>the plate falls off of your head again

>the night before the coronation
>at least, that's what the clock tells you
>obviously, it hasn't been night ever since Celestia and Luna disappeared
>now, the whole pomp and ceremony shit is definitely bullshit
>but you still couldn't sleep
>n-not because you're excited or anything
>just because
>you decided to head out to the middle of the hedge maze
>to look at your garden
>the ugly little flowerbed became a lot less ugly once you pulled out all the dead flowers and weeds
>actually, you ate most of the weeds
>the petunia seeds you planted have already sprouted
>they've got little stems about three inches high
>and little leaves
>and some of them even have little flower-buds
>someone steps up to the other side of the garden
>"Excuse me. Are you Princess Anonymous?"
>you look up at the unexpected company
>he's a tall, skinny unicorn
>he's got a black cloth tied over his face
>and a rapier in his magic
"Uh, yeah. Just call me Anon, the coronation's not til tomorrow."
>"My apologies. Anon, prepare to die."
"Eh?"
>the sword flashes at you like silver lightning
>you barely roll out of the way in time
>but not before shrieking like a little girl
>what?
>in a manner of speaking, you are a little girl right now
>anyway
>you're currently galloping through the maze as quickly as your stubby filly legs will carry you
>you may or may not still be screaming girlishly
>but you have a good reason to be screaming
>after all
>the asassin is gaining on you
>you've got one small cause for hope now
>you've been taking this route out of the maze every day for a week
>you know the path
>does he?
>all you have to do is lose him at one turn
>and, hey, even if you don't lose him
>as long as you can get out of the maze, you can scream for the guards
>you won't get lost
>you can't get lost
>you run face-first into a leafy dead-end
>well shit
>you got lost
>and the asassin
>is closing in
>"Ah, poor Anon. It seems this is the end of the line."
>hot tears threaten to break loose from your eyes
"H-heh. My own asassin. I guess this means I'm really important, huh?"
>"Yes, mon cherie. You will be a very important pony, for the next minute or so."
>it seems he plans to advance upon you with needless slowness
>sick fuck probably wants to watch you cry
>well
>you're going to give him exactly that, then
"Oh, man. I never wrote that book."
>you close your eyes
"I never climbed that mountain."
>tears force their way through your eyelids and race down your face
"I never even tried a pineapple pizza."
>"Death is a cruel mistress, little Anon. She comes to claim us all before we're ready."
>when you open your eyes, the asassin stands over you
>his sword ready for the strike
"W-w-w-wait, wait, wait, wait. Can I just get, like, 10 seconds to scream for help?"
>"If it would make you feel better."
"Thanks. You're very polite for a guy who murders fillies."
>then you let loose
"AAAAHHHH! STARSWIRL! ROCKHOOF! GUARDS! HELP! HELP ME I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE! AAAAAAHHHH! TWILIGHT! HELP! AAAAHHHHH!"
>then you wait
>and listen
>"So sorry, mon cherie. It seems noone heard you."
"Fine. Just get it over with."
>"It will be quick and painless, I promise."
>you close your eyes
>there's a sound like an explosion
>is it the sound of you going to Heaven?
>or at least Purgatory?
>when you open your eyes, there's a shovel blocking the rapier from reaching you
>the shovel twists up
>and the sword snaps
>you follow the handle of the shovel back to a pair of teal jaws
>Rockhoof!
>he's all covered in leaves and branches
>as though he just busted through the maze instead of navigating it
>which is really, really fine by you
>"This seems like the time to make my exit!"
>smoke spills from the asassin's horn til you can't see anything
>when the smoke clears, you find yourself clinging to Rockhoof's leg
>and the asassin is gone
^"There, there, wee princess. You're safe now. Though Starswirl will probably insist on keeping guards with you at all times from now on."
"I'm okay with that."

Chapter III

>after the asassination attempt, there was some talk of cancelling the coronation
>surprisingly, it was you who decided to keep it in place
"What are we gonna do, let the terrorists win?"
>Starswirl seemed pretty impressed by that
>all the same, he insisted on heightened security for the ceremony
>you feel kind of bad about taking guards off of the search for the princesses
>but it's become painfully apparent that, unlike the real princesses, you really do need all the security
>oh, there's one more security measure the old geezer insisted on
>you can't eat or drink anything during the whole ceremony
>it seemed reasonable at the time
>after all, there's no telling who exactly wants you dead
>or what connections they have
>but now that the speech is given
>and the little crown rests uncomfortably upon your head
>and the guests have begun to partake of the excessively luxurious banquet
>you're feeling pretty fucking hungry
>you're seated in Princess Celestia's seat
>a stack of royal phonebooks under your ass help you see over the table
>all these richfags eating their richfag food
>there's nobody you know in the banquet hall
>pretty much all of your friends were Twilight's friends
>and they're all running around looking for Twilight right now
>your stomach growls like a caged cougar
>fucking hell what you wouldn't give for a little deep-fried hay right now
>hey, it's an acquired taste
>a faggy voice calls you out of your hunger-fueled runimations
_"Little Princess Nonny, congratulations."
>Blueblood puts his hoof on your shoulder
>you push it off
"Thanks. Please, call me Anon."
_"Anon. My, I'm sure your mother would be very proud."
>kek
>your mother would probably just be shocked to learn that you've been turned into a talking baby pony
>but Blueblood is probably talking about Twilight
>but she'd probably be panicking about this too
"Maybe, maybe not. All I can say is that I sure never dreamed about this sort of thing when I was little."
>Blueblood's smile turns to plastic
_"I did."
"Well, life is weird like that, you know?"
>you grin and punch him in the foreleg
>what you'd really like is to call him a faggot and tell him to fuck off
_"Yes. Life can take some strange turns. Have you thought about what would happen if someone else were to become an alicorn?"
"No. I can't say I have."
_"It's an interesting bit of Equestrian law. Anyone who becomes an alicorn is immediately made a high princess, and ranked above any and all non-alicorn royalty. You would be effectively de-throned."
"Well, that's not something that happens every day. Besides, I'm working toward ascending myself."
_"Ah, but how hard it must be for an earth pony to ascend. I don't believe it's ever happened before."
"Hopefully the real princesses aren't gone long enough for it to be an issue."
_"Do you know, Princess Anon, that I have hired some of Equestria's greatest wizards to help me improve my magic?"
>you let a little smile creep onto your face
>mostly to mask that little bit of panic that's creeping into your throat
>but also to provoke Blueblood
"Trying to ascend?"
>Blueblood hisses
_"Indeed."
"Good luck with that."
>Blueblood wheels around
_"Thank you."
>and he stalks off into the crowd
>as you're watching him go, Starswirl returns to his seat beside you
>his plate stacked high with gourmet food from the buffet table
"Fucking finally, dude. I had to sit through a whole conversation with Blueblood."
<"Would you kindly watch your tongue in the presence of company?"
"Sorry, it's just… geez, he's so passive-aggressive and gay."
>Starswirl takes a big, sadistic bite from his plate
>fuck, you're so hungry

>day one as the officially crowned ruler of all Equestria
>now that you're really a pretty pony princess, a great deal of your training is on-the-job
>that is to say, you've been thrust into real princess work while Starswirl criticizes you
>oh, don't worry though
>you still have your formal training in princess-shit to look forward to
>earth magic, too
>but that's all after working hours
>according to the schedule Starswirl wrote up for you, you're alotted 4 hours of of sleep every night
>for the next 10 years
>anyway
>the duty you're currently attending to is Day Court
>thankfully, Night Court has been cancelled for the duration of Luna's absence
>because this is hellish enough
>"And then I says to him, "Hey you, get offa my cloud!"
"Right, I understand that part. What I want to know is, where is the cloud now?"
>"Oh, it's gone now, it is. Got all blowed to bits by the wind, it did."
"So… what exactly are you asking me to do?"
>the pegasus points at her accused tormentor
>"I want you to make him apologize, is what!"
>you look at the other pegasus
"Mr. McBreeze, will you please apologize to Miss MacCloud?"
>McBreeze turns his nose up
>"Nope!"
>you shrug appealingly at Starswirl
"I tried."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"Friends, perhaps this issue would be better resolved in private. The princess cannot mend your hurt feelings for you, and the line is growing long-"
"What my colleague is trying to say is, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COURTROOM!"
>the pegasi cringe at that
>then MacCloud scowls
>"What a right fuckin' bitch."
>McBreeze nods
>"A right fuckin' bitch indeed."
>"No hard feelings?"
>"No hard feelings."
>the two of them prance out together, wing-in-wing
>Starswirl sighs his disgust
"What? I fixed their friendship, didn't I?"
<"Next!"
>the next pony to walk in is a purple unicorn with a big bushy mane
>actually, she looks kind of familiar…
"Starlight! Holy shit, it feels like it's been forever! I thought you were out looking for Twilight. How's that going, by the way?"
>Starlight Glimmer shakes her head sadly
>"It's not going well. The search parties are starting to lose hope. We might have to accept that the other princesses will be gone for longer than we expected."
"Oh, no…"
>"I'm… here to ask about some of Princess Twilight's personal responsibilities. I'd like to make sure that her affairs are well taken care of, in the event of her… prolonged absence."
"Sure, sure."
>"In the first place, her school. With all the remaining staff members on the search parties, the students are starting to wonder what they're paying tuition for. And without Twilight involved, they're losing faith in the institution as a whole. I just want to do what Twilight would want."
"Geez. All right, I realize that I'm technically Twilight's successor, but the responsibilities I've taken on are more like Celestia's. I really don't have time to run Twilight's school."
>which is all technically true
>it's also true that you wouldn't want to deal with it even if you could
>all those dirty foreigners
>the yaks smell like shit
>and the griffons always try to eat you
>not that you'd say that out loud to the element of equality
"Tell you what. Everybody knew Twilight was grooming you to be a princess."
>"She was?"
"Okay, everyone but you knew. My point is, there's nobody better qualified to take over Twilight's school than you."
>"Me?"
>oh, don't act so fucking shocked
>we all know why you brought this to the Day Court
"Yup. You are hereby the official principal-slash-headmaster of the School of Friendliness. You have full autonomy to do whatever you feel is right, and an official stamp of approval from Princess Anon."
>"Thanks, Anon. I guess I'll… get classes started by the end of next week if Twilight isn't found."
"You do that. Ne-"
>"Uh, two more things."
>ugh
"Okay."
>"Regarding the Elements of Harmony. Obviously the Elements themselves are gone, but Twilight and her friends together have the power of the Elements within them. In the interest of national security, we do need a new Element of Magic."
"Frankly, I think that sort of thing is decided by the magic itself, not by me. But once again, you come to mind as the logical candidate."
>"M-me again?"
>oh, you're just so fucking modest, aren't you?
"Who else? You've recieved extensive education in both friendship and magic from Twilight herself, and you're fairly close to all of her friends. I suggest you start growing closer to them and hope that the friendship beams come out when you need them."
>Starlight bows deeply
>"Thank you for your faith in me. I have just one more concern."
"I know, you said 'two more' earlier."
>"It's about Spike. He's worried about living alone, and he's not sure how he's going to find work from now on. And he misses Twilight terribly. He's really, really bringing everyone down."
>huh
>now this is an issue that actually piques your concern
>Spike is a cool dude
>no doubt Starlight is hoping you assign him as her own personal assistant
>but honestly, a change of scenery would probably do Spike some good
"Tell Spike he can come stay with me. I'd give him a place to stay in the castle, and to be honest I could really use an assistant."
>Starlight smiles
>"I think he'll really appreciate that. Thank you, Anon. I'll head back to Ponyville right away."
"No problem. Tell the gang I said hi!"
>Starlight canters out
>the next petitioner stumbles in
>Starswirl whispers in your ear
<"Impressive. You actually addressed her concerns. And without spouting vulgarities, at that."
"I wanted to spout a few vulgarities."
<"We all start somewhere."

>day two as the crown princess of ponykind
>Starswirl has taken tonight's princess training to the classroom
>you've been asking a lot about alicorn ascension
>as the guy who's famous for facilitating two of those, he's happy to share what he knows
<"As I've told you, ascension is granted when one performs a prodigious feat of magic in the service of others."
"Right, I remember."
<"Thus, the first requirement for alicorn ascension is to channel a great deal of magic. That much is simple to understand, yes?"
"Yeah I think I get it."
<"To understand the second requirement, you will need a bit of explanation. Are you ready?"
>you grab your pencil
"Ready."
<"In this world, there is an objective order. It is, if you will, a universal mind. It is a conscious will which, in its own way, enforces a moral law and a natural order upon living creatures. Sorcerers refer to this order as the 'Aether.'"
"That's a bit much to wrap my mind around, but if you say so."
<"To make it a bit easier for you to understand, consider this: Ponies often speak of 'magic' as though it were a conscious force which frequently acts according to its own will. They are not entirely wrong. When ponies speak of 'magic' in this way, they are referring to the Aether."
"So the Aether is magic?"
<"There's a bit more to it than that, but in a manner of speaking, yes. When one channels a great deal of magic, one also channels a great deal of the Aether."
>understanding dawns upon you
"And that's how it knows if the magic you did was for others."
<"Precisely. The second requirement for alicorn ascension is to prove oneself worthy to the Aether. Most ponies who do great acts of magic, even for good purposes, never become alicorns. Noone can claim to know the Aether's exact selection process, but it would seem to include an assessment of both worthiness and of need."
"All right. I'm gonna take you on your word here."
<"You won't be disappointed. My word tends to be very reliable in matters of magic. The third requirement is much simpler. Are you ready?"
"Always ready."
<"The third requirement is approval by the existing alicorns. Should the Aether select you for ascension, it will take you to the eldest alicorn in Equestria. As far as we know, that pony is still Princess Celestia. The final decision shall be left to her, and she will either permit or prevent you from ascending."
>you finish writing this down
>and you spit out the pencil with a contented sigh
"Well that's a relief."
<"What is?"
"The other day, Blueblood was telling me that he planned to become an alicorn and take the throne."
>Starswirl grins
>a laugh threatens to come out
>but doesn't quite survive the journey
<"No, no, I don't believe you'll have to worry about that. I'll own that he is a fairly powerful spellcaster, but his character leaves much to be desired."
"I noticed."
<"Indeed. If Blueblood were to undergo a change radical enough to be worthy of ascension, you would have no need to fear him. As it stands, you are quite safe."
"Thanks Starswirl."
<"You're quite welcome. Now, I think a practical lesson in royal table-manners is what we'll do next. Come with me."
>ugh
>table-manners
"Coming."
>Starswirl holds the door open for you
>and after he closes the door behind him
>things move sort of…
>fast
>firstly, there's a loud CLICK
>then, you're inside of a big, glowing bubble
>there's a lot of light and noise
>then the bubble goes away
>the door is in splinters
>the classroom beyond it is in ruins
>the passageway you're standing in is in shambles
>Starswirl is glaring in thought
>you look from Starswirl to the rubble
>then from the rubble to Starswirl
>and then…
>holy shit!
"A bomb!"

>day three of princesshood
>you're following Rockhoof to the grove
>he hasn't said a word all night
>and he stays silent til he reaches the center of the grove
^"With all these ponies after your hide, you need tae learn how tae defend yourself."
>there's not so much as a hint of the old warrior's usual jollity in his voice
"Oh, neat. So we're gonna do some fighting moves then?"
^"Aye. Throw me a punch. Give it everything you've got."
"Okay."
>you trot over to Rockhoof
>pulling back a forehoof, you send it into Rockhoof's leg as hard as you can
"That's no good, lass. I didnae feel a thing."
>so you throw another punch
>and another
>but the mythic hero stands silent, as if you weren't even there
>soon you're reared up on your hind legs, hitting him as fast as you can
^"Stop, stop. That's no good."
>you drop back down on all fours, already sweating
"Well, shit. What do you want from me? You're like ten times my size!"
^"Stop relying on your own strength! You're too small to hurt me on your own!"
"Well, whose strength can I rely on? There's only me here."
^"Have you learned nothing? A proper earth pony can draw strength from the earth anywhere. If you can't do it inside of a magic grove, you're doomed already."
"Uh…"
^"Feel it, Anon! The Aether is here! It's waiting for you tae rely in it! Draw your strength from it, from the earth, from the leylines. Let it flow through your hooves!"
>your mind begins to focus on your hooves
>where they're positioned
>how they're planted
>soon you've got them lined up in a perfect square
>you're standing heavily upon them
>and then
>beneath your hooves
>the earth throbs
"I think… I think I feel something."
^"All right then! Hit me properly!"
>you pull back a forehoof
>it feels powerful
>and then you drive it forward with all you've got
"Ow."
^"That's. No. Good!"
"Well geez, what do you want from me? I didn't know there even was magic for earth ponies til like a week ago!"
^"There are ponies trying tae kill you! Do you even care?! Defend yourself!"
"Eh?"
>that's when you see the shovel racing for your head
>dropping to your belly, you barely avoid it
>the head of the shovel scoops right through where your neck would have been
"Holy fuck!"
>when you see the point of the shovel poised above your head, you roll
>the shovel impales itself deep within the earth where your face would have been
>your roll takes you over the edge of the brook
>the cold water is disorienting
>the stony bed of the brook hurts to lie on
"Hey, self-defense lessons seem kind of pointless if I die in class!"
>Rockhoof silently makes his way toward you
>you scramble to your hooves
>and then you notice the rocks you're standing on
>when the idea occurs to you
>you don't stop to think about whether or not it's wise
>you just pick up a rock
>and throw it
>the stone strikes Rockhoof on the brow
>that's when he stops
>wobbles
>and falls
>and then?
>he laughs
^"Hah! That's more like it!"
"Holy BALLS, Rockhoof."
^"You can say that again. What a throw! Now you're working with earth magics!"
"No, I mean you, going all fucking… terminator on me! Like, you were holding back, right? You weren't actually gonna murder me with a shovel, right?"
^"You were in no danger, lass. I only meant tae scare ye. And it worked pretty well at that, didn't it?"
"Fucking shit I thought I was gonna die."
^"Just do that again next time you're in trouble, and you never will."

>day four of princesshood
>at long last, the day is done
>you've tossed that awful fucking crown into the corner of your chamber
>you've got about a dozen guards posted outside the door
>you've got the curtains drawn tightly against the midnight Sun
>and now
>you're climbing onto the unreasonably large bed
>burying yourself under the green silk quilt upon it
>and burrowing into the pillows
>already, your tight schedule is leaving you positively exhausted at the end of each day
>as you yawn and roll over, you know you'll be asleep in a few seconds
>sleep tight, poner
>…
>then your eyelids snap wide open
>there was a…
>noise
>sort of a
>slithery
>hissy
>noise
>you slowly crane your neck to look around the room
>did you see something darting between the cupboard and the chest?
>no
>that's just your imagination
>your sleep time is too scant as it is
>no time to waste on silliness
>you close your eyes again
>oh, shit, something just bumped into something
>you're sitting stiff upright in bed now
>aw, fuck it
>you're not gonna get to sleep without getting to the bottom of this now
>of course, you could just call in the guards to search the room for you
>but…
>d'aw, wook at da widdle pwincess, scawed of da monsters under her bed
>yeah, fuck that
>you hop out of bed
>you'll find it yourself
>probably just a bat or something that got into the castle
>with cautious, quiet steps, you prowl about the royal bedchamber
>checking under the chest
>in the cupboards
>between the sofa cushions
>under the bed
>but nothing can be found
>a breeze blows in through the open window and cools the nervous sweat that's pooled on your brow
>you sigh
>it's probably nothing
>and then you begin sweating again
>you never left the window open!
>the curtains you had so tightly drawn…
>they've been disturbed!
>oh, hell, something is IN here!
>you'd scream
>but your throat feels glued shut
>and then
>there's the noise
>it's close
>very close
>it might even be…
>you look down
>sitting at your very hooves!
>imagine the love-child of a scorpion and a snake
>a wide head tapering into a narrow tail
>a glistening exoskeleton over its whole body
>but a perpetual, undulating slither in its motions
>a pair of long fangs sticking straight out from its mouth
>and two legs that seem to slither the creature rather than walk it
>oh yeah, you scream
>rearing by terrified instinct allows you to just barely dodge the venomous fangs of the hideous monster
>a legion of guards all but break down the door at the sound
>"Princess Anon!"
"Kill it kill it kill it kill it!"
>the nightmare ends when a brawny guard gallops over and crushes the thing with an armored hoof
>a flash of light hails the entrance of Starswirl the Bearded
<"Anonymous! Are you in danger?"
>you try to shake off some of the terror from your face
>try
"I was. You just missed it."
>you point to the guard who saved your life
>he's currently looking with disgust at the crushed creature that's stuck to his armored horseshoe
>Starswirl sees the creature and gasps
<"Ophidious Ippolit, the dream worm!"
"Familiar with it?"
<"It's an extremely dangerous animal. The dream worm is so venomous that… actually, guard, take off that horseshoe. Never wear it again."
>with a "gah," the guard shakes the tainted apparel from his hoof
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"You will not find a creature like that anywhere within Equestria. Having it imported must have cost someone a small fortune."
>but who, you wonder
>is someone?

>day five since you were crowned
>the guards insist that they're already investigating the attempts on your life
>but now, after the third one, you want to look into the investigation yourself
>for your sanity
>it is, after all, your life on the line here
>so you're sitting in a dark room, surrounded by guards
>and this time, that's a good thing
>Starswirl is lurking in the corner
>he's probably just hoping you don't insult half the royal guard into quitting
>don't worry, you won't
>though it's sort of tempting
>the guards are presenting their findings to you
>but they haven't really found anything
>they have no idea who the tall swordspony could have been
>they have no idea who could have planted that bomb
>and there's no likely suspect on record as having purchased a dream worm recently
>in fact, there's no likely suspect as all
>as far as they can tell, whoever's behind all this is someone with access to the castle
>but that's literally hundreds of ponies
"Gentlemen, it's time for a fresh perspective on things."
>a snoring guard sits next to you, wearing a pair of sunglasses in a feeble attempt to hide his slumber
>you snatch these sunglasses and put them on
>they're too big, so you have to hold them on your snoot with your hoof
"Tell me, have you ever heard of a stand-alone complex?"
>"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking, gentlemen, about memes, the DNA of the soul."
>the guards are looking at you like you're fucking retarded
>no matter, you're about to blow their minds
"Consider this. One pony, perhaps someone with influence, voices discontent with the current administration. Half a dozen other ponies - without any connection to each other - hear this, take it to heart, and try to kill me. An accidental conspirator. Copycats without an original, acting out the will of the memes."
>the major who's been presenting the findings is none other than the guard who saved your life last night
>he cocks his head and speaks uncomfortably
>"No, princess. There certainly are multiple ponies involved here, but in cases like this there's always an intentional conspirator behind it all, most likely paying off the others. Generally speaking it would be someone from an opposing faction of the government, or a rival for your position, or-"
"You think I'm crazy, do you? What if I could tell you who the meme-smith behind it all is? Behold, our accidental conspitlrator!"
>you toss today's copy of the Canterlot Chronicle onto the conference table
>the cover story?
>"PRINCESS ANON CALLS CHARITY WORKERS CUCKS," by Rhyme Broderick
"Every single day, this scum-fucker writes horiffic slander about me-"
<"He wouldn't have anything to write about you if you didn't cause a dozen scandals every day during Court."
"And I think he's brainwashing otherwise perfectly patriotic ponies into plotting against me."
>the major sighs
>"Are you saying you want us to make the Canterlot Chronicle stop saying mean things about you?"
"Have I ever told you that I've been meaning to promote you?"
>"I'll have one of my guards drop off a temporary gag-order later today."
"H-hey now, don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not just doing this out of spite, there might really be something there! Check their, uh, financial records too or something."
>"Sure thing, princess. It's as good a lead as anything else at this point."
>this motherfucker thinks he's sly
>but you see him throw a pleading look at Starswirl
>which Starswirl takes as his cue
<"Come along now, Anonymous. I think you've distracted these gentlecolts quite enough for one day. It's time for Day Court."
>an inescapable magic grip takes you by the scruff of your neck and hoists you in the air
"No, please, not Day Court!"

>day six of doing Day Court every morning
>the guards were good enough to give you a little reading material before today's court-session
>the findings from the audit on the Canterlot Chronicle
>now Starswirl seems to have nodded off in his chair
>so there's nobody to tell you to do stupid shit like "being responsible" or whatever
>thus, you've decided to ignore the current petitoner's irate rambling in favor of reading the documents
>incredibly, the audit indicates that you may have been onto something
>every article written to shit on you seems to have been followed up with a large, anonymous donation to the paper
>the guards can't trace where the bits are coming from
>so whoever they are coming from must be fairly wealthy and well-connected
>when you combine this with the donor's apparent antipathy for you…
>even the major admits that this fits the profile of the conspirator against your life
>as for your meme theory?
>the major still insists that it's nonsense
>well, he's probably right about that, now that you think about it
>"Hey! Are you listening to me?"
>you look down from the audit report
"Uh, no. Who are you?"
>"My name is Rhyme Broderick. Your goons issued a gag-order to my paper, and I want to know why you hate the free press!"
"Oh, neat! What a coincidence, I was just planning to have you arrested."
>"Huh? You can't do that!"
>the guards in the courtroom are looking askance at you
>you nod impatiently at them
>finally, Canterlot's top shithead journalist is surrounded by spears
"Sorry, I can do this. State of emergency. There have been three attempts on my life this week, you know."
>"Well that's because you're a tyrant! You're a childish, impulsive-"
"Wow! You really want to see the inside of my dungeons, don't you?"
>"Wh-wh-what do you want from me?"
>ah, do you smell that?
>that's the sweet, sweet smell of power
>you wave the audit documents in your hoof
"Somebody's been paying you to shit on me. Tell me who it is and you might go home today."
>"Wh-this is a violation of my rights! I have a right to privacy, and freedom of the press!"
"You'll have a whole lot of privacy in solitary confinement, bud."
>a snort at your side alerts you to the fact that Starswirl has just woken up
<"By the Sun! Anonymous, for the last time, you cannot have petitioners arrested for being annoying!"
"Glad you're up, teach. Mr. Rhyme here was just about to tell me who's been trying to kill me."
>Starswirl strokes his beard at that
<"I see."
>then he nods
<"Carry on. Just don't do anything cruel or unusual."
>"Th-there's no proof that my supporter is the one behind the attempts on your life! Th-that's slander!"
"I'll let my guards be the judge of that, after they investigate your 'supporter' thoroughly."
_"There's no need for that. I confess."
>you look up at the intruder
"Oh, hey Blueblood. When did you get in here?"
>then you look at him again
"Also, did you do something with your hair? And your eyes? And your… teeth?"
>Blueblood laughs
>Rhyme faints
>Starswirl keeps tapping you on the shoulder
>your eyes widen in realization
"It was you!"

>Blueblood's beach-blonde mane is now a gaseous wisp of opaque, black smoke
>his baby-blue eyes are now a piercing red
>and his carefully bleached and straightened teeth are now yellowed and sharp
>also, he's hefting a gigantic, obsidian sword in his magic
<"Th-the Black Blade!"
"Is that bad?"
<"Forged a billion years ago… killing so its power grows!"
"Should I take that as a yes?"
>Blueblood takes his new evil laugh out for another spin
_"It's very bad indeed. You've survived hired asassins, bombs, deadly animals, and even memetic warfare. But you won't survive the Black Blade!"
>you tug on Starswirl's leg
"See? Memetic warfare! The paper really was out to kill me with memes!"
_"You seem to be taking this awful lightly."
"Well, there is a legendary sorcerer standing right behind me."
<"That sword can cut through unicorn magic like butter."
"Oh."
>Blueblood laughs again
_"So what'll it be, little Princess Nonny? You can come down here for a peaceful transfer of power, or I can slaughter all of your guards, all of the petitioners in line out there, and then kill you."
"Now when you say peaceful transition of power, do you mean…"
_"You die."
"Shit."
>you shrug
"All right."
>you proceed to step down from the throne
>only for Starswirl to pull you back up by your tail
<"What are you doing?!"
"It's super basic ethics. One life vs dozens. Unless you can pull magic friendship beams out of your ass like Twilight Sparkle, this is kind of our best option."
<"You foal! Would you think for once in your life? Think you that the Black Blade will be sated with the blood of one filly? The sword is death from the beginning to the end of time!"
"Well how was I supposed to know that?"
<"Look at who you're speaking to! He's evil!"
_"What are you whispering about? I'm growing impatient!
"All right. You said that thing can cut through unicorn magic, right?"
<"Yes."
"How about earth magic?"
<"What are you getting at?"
"I have a bad idea."
>with a wink, you skip down the steps to the floor
_"Finally. I'm glad to see you're bearing this with a little more dignity than you did the other attempts."
"Ah, well, you know… Hey, isn't that one of those friendship death-rays rushing up behind you?"
_"What? Impossible!"
>when Blueblood turns around
>you bolt for the door
"EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE DAY COURT IS CLOSED"
>the line of petitioners is understandably upset to see you canceling Day Court early
>but a few seconds later, they understand
>Blueblood, a red-eyed screaming ghoul, comes tearing out of the courtroom after you
>by a fortunate twist of logic, the entrance to the courtyard is only a short gallop from the entrance to the courtroom
>and in the courtyard, there's the palace gardens
>and in the gardens?
>the grove!
>once you're in the grove, you know you've only got a few seconds before Blueblood finds you
>so you hop into the brook and grab a rock
>oh fuck oh fuck this such an awful idea
>you had all those guards with spears right there and didn't ask a single one to help you!
>and now you're about to face down Celestia's own nephew and his apocalyptic sword
>with a rock
>finally, Blueblood stalks into the grove
>he has no words for you
>only manic laughter
>and he raises the Black Blade for your death-blow
>and it howls
>it howls like hell
>that's when you close your eyes
>and throw the rock
>there's a sickening CRUNCH
>oh man oh shit that was your skull, wasn't it?
>you reach up to feel your head
>actually, your skull seems intact
>you dare to open one eye
>Blueblood lies unconscious on the ground
>he looks more or less back to normal
>except, of course, for the broken jaw
>the Black Blade lies silent beside him
>oh, nice!
>you're alive!
>you hop out of the brook and shake yourself dry
>and you look at the Black Blade
>geez, this thing almost killed you, didn't it?
>you reach out to feel the flat of the blade
<"Don't touch it! You'll go as insane as he did!."
>Starswirl limps and wheezes into the grove
>as if he did so fucking much today
<"I'll have to make sure that this gets back to the deepest part of the forbidden archives where it belongs. Are you all right, Anonymous?"
"Who, me? I'm great. All I did was solve my own asassination and risk my hide for my subjects, no big deal."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"You've done well, Anonymous. But for now, you'll have to get away from that sword. Come along."
"Yeah, all right."
<"And one more thing, Princess Anonymous."
"What's that?"
>Starswirl smiles warmly
<"You appear to have earned your cutie mark."

Chapter IV

>the picture that now adorns your butt is a simple black question mark
>you sure as shit couldn't figure out what it means
>but Rockhoof had an idea when he saw it
^"To be sure, it could be an earth magic cutie mark."
>apparently cutie marks in earth magic tend to be simple shapes and symbols
>symbols one could mark in the dirt with a stick
>like Rockhoof's cutie mark, which is a simple trio of black triangles
>but why a question mark?
>Starswirl thinks that the Aether may have been partially confused by your alien soul
>Rockhoof argues that that's impossible though
>he thinks that the question mark must have had some significance in your native culture
>but that would be kind of depressing
>the only culture you were ever a part of that valued the question mark was imageboard culture
>regardless, you have been feeling sort of stronger since you got it
>so you would at least agree that it's an earth magic cutie mark
>as for Blueblood?
"I want that fucker's head on a plate."
<"You're well within your rights to have it, Anonymous, but do you really think it's the wisest choice?"
"Well, I mean, it probably wouldn't look good if I started off my reign by offing my only rival to the throne."
<"True."
"And… when Twilight gets back she'll probably bitch at me about something something reforming the bad guys…"
<"She most certainly would."
>you had Blueblood locked up in a dungeon somewhere
>when Twilight gets back she can "reform" him or whatever herself
>anyway, it's now day 7 since the coronation
>and now that all the asassination craziness is over
>Spike is finally on his way over
>you've cleared out your schedule for the morning to meet him at the train station
>it's the first time you've left the palace grounds since Starswirl teleported you there two weeks ago
>and man, it sure feels good to be out in the open for once
>now if only you could have ditched the regiment of guards and the anal-retentive wizard
>at long last, Ponyville's Friendship Express screeches to a stop in the station
>ponies point you out and whisper as they trot out of the train
>now this should be the one Spike came on
>but where could he-
~"Anon!"
>you look up just in time to see a purple kamikaze streaking down upon you
>oh no no no no
>you and Spike now make up a crumpled pile on the ground
>Spike is laughing uproariously
>actually, so are all your guards
"Holy fucking shit I keep forgetting you have wings now."
~"Well I'm not the only one who's growing up. What gives, you weren't gonna write home and tell everyone you got your cutie mark?"
"Hey, I just got it yester- Hey! You looking at my butt, faget?"
~"Wh- no! I just-"
"Get the fuck off of me, let's hug properly."
>the two of you get untangled and Spike wraps his claws around your neck
>he holds on just long enough for it to get awkward
>when he finally does let go, he looks pretty cheerful
"Starlight told me you were pretty down about Twilight. You feeling any better, bro?"
~"Eh, not really. But it's good to be back in Canterlot."
"Hey. We're gonna find her."
~"Yeah, I believe you, it's just… I think I need to be busy again. Where are those mountains of paperwork you wrote to me about?"
>now that
>is what you like to hear

>it's been a week since the last time you almost died
>now that you're apparently the first earth mage to show up in 800 years, Rockhoof has some more advanced training for you
"Say, why is it 800 years?"
>you're standing on one forehoof in front of your garden
^"Meditation implies silence, lass."
"Yeah, yeah, right, okay. Silence."
>but this is so fucking boring
>and your leg is starting to hurt
"But really, it seems like things that happened a long time ago always happened a thousand years ago. Why did earth magic die out 800 years ago instead?"
>Rockhoof sighs
^"I don't rightly know. There were plenty of earth mages in my day, and then I was imprisoned for a thousand years with the other Pillars. When I was set free, they were all gone."
"You never… you know, asked?"
^"I did, but the only pony who remembers those days is Princess Celestia, and she was a bit scant with the details. All I know is that 200 years after my day, the other earth mages were gone."
"But- whoah!"
>your leg gives out
>you're rewarded with a mouthful of dirt
>Rockhoof comes down from his stance
^"And that's why you should hae been quiet. If you're nae focusing on the earth, then the earth isn't focusing on you. You're nae strong enough to hold that stance without earth magic."
>you're spitting out dirt
"This whole 'clear your mind' shit just doesn't come naturally, man."
>you sit up
>and sit back on your haunches
>and start brushing your tongue off with your hooves
"I'm used to thinking."
^"And what do you think about?""
"I don't know. I never remember."
^"Nothing important, then."
"Probably not."
^"Och, we'll try something else for now then. Try talking tae your petunias."
>you blink
>then you lean in close to the flowerbed
"Hello."
>the flowers are in full bloom now
>dozens of purple, pink, red, and blue faces hear your greeting
>and do nothing
^"Not like that, you silly filly. Through the earth."
"You want me to bury my face in the dirt and then talk to them?"
^"No. Use the earth magic."
>you plant your hooves more firmly in the ground
>and…
"Are there any instructions for this?"
"No instructions. You'll just know."
>you sigh
>then lie down on your belly
>and close your eyes
>(uh)
>(hi, flowers)
>(it's me, the guy who planted you)
>(I've enjoyed watching you grow)
>(I've got a lot of shit on my plate right now, so coming out here to water you guys and shit is pretty relaxing)
>(uh)
>you crack open an eyelid
>then jump to your hooves
"Holy shit!"
>every single petunia has turned its face to look at you
^"Hah! Easier than you thought it would be, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. Wow."
>Rockhoof's massive hoof claps you on the back
^"In a little while here, you might be able tae teach them tricks."
"You serious?"
^"Oh, yes."

>Spike's only been up here about 10 days
>already, his years of experience under Twilight Sparkle have whittled your daily "paperwork hour" down to an actual hour
>not only that, but he's turned this formerly tedious and boring process into something worth greentexting about
>Spike's simple, yet effective system for the piles of bills, treaties, petitions, and etc that come across your desk is as follows:
>with mind-boggling speed and precision, Spike organizes the papers alphabetically and divides them into two neat stacks
>two seats are set up behind the massive princess desk
>each of you takes a seat and a stack
>you take a paper, skim the essentials, make the appropriate markings, and place it in the "finished bin" next to the stack
>repeat til both stacks are in their finished bins
>thereafter, the papers are processed by your squadron of royal secretaries, and passed on to the appropriate party
>it's become a fairly mindless process by now
~"All I'm saying is, I think a hydra would beat a manticore."
"You are out of your mind! The manticore's got that bigass stinger! All it has to do is hit the hydra once with that-"
~"No. Way. Hydras are like dragons. They've got thick hides. Here, signature."
>there are, unfortunately, some papers that Spike just can't mark for you
>Spike slides one such paper over to your side of the desk
>you take your quill and scribble on a signature before returning to your own stack
~"Sometimes, I even let Rarity use me as a pincushion-"
"First of all, that's fucking bizarre and you should stop that. Second of all, sewing needles aren't shit compared to a manticore stinger-"
~"But the hydra is so much bigger! Ah, initials."
>you quickly scrawl out a "PAF"
"So?! Manticores can fly!"
~"No they can not! Their wings are too small!"
"Your wings are too small, and you can fly!"
~"But… that's magic!"
"Exactly. It's magic."
~"I'm, like, 80% sure that manticores still can't fly, but okay, what about all those heads? Hoofprint."
>you dab your hoof on an inkpad and slam it onto the paper
~"Let's say the manticore can somehow fly. It can only fly at one of the hydra's heads at a time. And while it's doing that, the other, like, three heads are gonna eat it."
"What? Dude, a manticore is basically a giant lion, and a lion is basically a giant cat. Cats were born to smack at dangly shit. He'd be just fine."
~"That's not the way that works! Sign here."
>you growl and scrawl out the signature
"It totally fucking is!"
>the door to your office creaks open
>Starswirl the Bearded wearily canters in
<"Are you two quite done yet? I have a rousing lesson in ballroom etiquette which I'm quite eager to share with Anonymous."
>you glance at your stack
>which is now only about an inch thick
"Yeah, we're almost done here, just give us like ten more minutes."
<"Hm…"
>Starswirl comes walking over to the desk
~"Hi, Mr. The Bearded. Have I ever told you what an honor it is to be working with you?"
<"About 18 times, yes."
~"I mean, Twilight's been telling me all about you for as long as I can remember. You're basically her hero!"
<"Yes, yes, she's told me so herself."
>with a cocked eyebrow, Starswirl looks in Spike's finished bin
>he grabs the topmost paper in his magic and reads it
<"Princess Anonymous, are you quite sure you are reading the things you are signing?"
"Huh? Uh, yeah. It's sort of like speed-reading, but, you know, still…"
>Starswirl drops the paper in front of you
"Spike Appreciation Day, a national holiday to celebrate the achievements of Spike the Glorious and Brave…"
>you look at Spike
>you just
>look at him
"What?"
"Shit fucking damnit, Spike!"
~"Yeah, all right, all right."
>Spike grabs the signed bill and casually obliterates it with dragonfire
<"You may want to double-check all of these papers tonight, Anonymous."
>with that, Starswirl stalks out of the office, utterly victorious
>you look at the stacks of finished papers
>and groan

>it's been about a month, now, since that fateful spring day when you were told you were the princess of all Equestria
>two days ago, summer's first heat wave hit the country
>yesterday, you noticed a recurring theme during Day Court
>"It was 90 degrees at 3 in the morning!"
>"My crops shriveled up overnight!"
>"There's just no break from this Sun!"
>today, you cleared out your afternoon for an emergency meeting
>seated at your conference table are powerful sorcerers, wealthy weather factory moguls, agricultural experts, and the top brass from both the Guard and the Wonderbolts
>for lack of a podium in the room, you've opted to stand on the table itself
"Gentlemen… or, uh, gentlecolts… and ladies. The reason why I've summoned you here today is simple. Equestria needs night."
>Starswirl had been pleased when you'd pitched the idea to him yesterday
<"Good of you to use that wit of yours for helping ponies for a change, instead of inventing creative swear words."
>you hit a guy with a "fuckshitting niggerdicks" one damn time…
>a bespectacled, redheaded sorcerer raises a hoof in the back
"Yes?"
>the fucking nerd snorts, and pushes her glasses back up her snout
>"But how is that possible without the princesses?"
"That, genius-horse, is why I invited all of you ponies here. To figure it out."
>the silence that follows is so awkward it's almost palpable
"Well don't all jump up at once."
>seriously?
>nobody?
>all right, you'll just go ahead and toss up the most obvious solution first
"Okay. History tells us that before there were alicorns in Equestria, unicorns would put their magic together to move the Sun and the Moon. Any of you super-smart sorcerers wanna tell me why I thought of this before you did?"
>the sorcerers exchange uncomfortable looks
>Starlight Glimmer almost raises her hoof
>but brings it back down sheepishly before you can call on her
"Oh geez, there's a reason, isn't there?"
>Starswirl stands up and strides beside you
<"There is a reason. Even with many unicorns, it still takes ponies of great power to move the Sun and the Moon. I was once such pony, but I alone cannot bring forth the night."
"Yeah. Ponies of great power. That's why I invited the 12 most powerful unicorns I could find on the census."
>Starlight speaks up
>"Anon, sweetie, unicorns with that kind of power just aren't born anymore. Even hundreds of us couldn't match Princess Celestia's strength."
>the redhead with the glasses nods nervously
>"Probably the only unicorn to be born in recent times with the power of an ancient sorcerer was Twilight. And she's…"
"One of our missing alicorns now. Got it."
>"And we still would have needed at least ten more unicorns with her power."
>if you still had fingers you'd be doing that thing where you pinch the bridge of your nose
>as it is you're just facehoofing
"All right, so we need hundreds of unicorns. Hell, we need thousands. I'm the damn princess, I can do that."
>again, Starlight interjects
>"Anon, when I said hundreds of unicorns, I meant unicorns with the spellcasting ability of the sorcerers in this room. You won't find a thousand unicorns like that in all of Equestria."
"So how many are we gonna need here? Again, I can get a draft going."
>the redhead with the glasses sets an abacus on the table and makes some rapid calculations
>"Approximately… every unicorn in Equestria."
>you're breathless
"Every…"
>Starlight adds a point to that which kills the last little bit of hope you didn't know you had
>"And most unicorns have ordinary everyday occupations, like baking or sewing. If you pulled every single one of us to Canterlot…"
"Yeah, I get it. It's a logistical nightmare, economic suicide, and probably a pony rights crisis."
>you flop down on your belly right there in front of everyone
"But man. We are in for one rough summer if we can't get a little night time going. I've had a dozen farmers come to me in person to tell me they're afraid it'll kill their crops."
>someone from the agricultural experts section pipes up
>"Our calculations based on early reports of the heat wave show Equestria heading for a famine."
"Thanks."
>then you hop up to your hooves
"Starlight!"
>"No."
"What? You don't even know what I'm gonna ask."
>"I can't use the magic of friendship to move the Sun. In the first place, we don't even know if I can access it; in the second place, we don't know if it can be used for anything other than destruction; and in the third place, we might actually destroy the Sun if we try to find out."
>you rise up to your haunches and groan
>then you flop down on your back
"Maybe there's some way to put a giant cover between Equestria and the Sun…"
>the weather magnate coughs
>"You mean like a… cloud cover, my princess?"
>without getting up, you propel yourself across the slick table til you're staring the weather magnate in the eyes
"I knew I invited you for a reason."
>"Erm… yes. I mean we could, possibly, manufacture a large quantity of stormclouds and distribute them to local weatherponies every night."
"Go on…"
>"Well, there are just a few drawbacks to this plan now, princess, the most obvious being that it'd rain most nights."
"Eh, that's not the worst thing in the world."
>"Another thing is that stormclouds are fairly dangerous. Most towns only have one or two weatherponies qualified to work with them."
"Weatherponies are government workers, right? I can have a cheesey safety video sent out by close of business tomorrow. Get everyone nice and qualified."
>"Well if you don't have any objections, ma'am, then I can promise that nights produced by this plan will be almost as dark as a genuine night."
"On a scale of noon to midnight, how dark are we talking here?"
>"Ah, just after Sunset, when the last little bit of orange has gone under the horizon. Of course, it'll be a bit darker on nights when it storms."
"I'm down. Let's do it."
>"Now of course there's the issue of what it'll cost my company. We'd need to stop production of other, more profitable clouds almost entirely. Not to mention the cost of training more my employees in stormcloud safety."
"Yo, what do you need? Contracts, grants, subsidaries, bonds? I got you fam."
>the old pegasus grins
>"Well in that case, I suppose we should schedule a meeting between our ponies to work out the details."
"It's a fucking deal, mister."
>with that, you leap up to your hooves and start shouting
"See that? Now that's an innovative solution! Fucking SYNERGY, dude!"
>the redhead with the glasses decides to open up her stupid fucking mouth again
>"That's not what synergy means."
"Shut the fuck up, nerd."

>it's only been a week since you scored that cloud deal
>already, tonight is the first actual night of the summer
>you decided to stay up to see it
>it's about as dark as promised
>some distant peals of thunder imply a storm somewhere down below Canterlot Mountain
>but up here
>it's calm
>for now, anyway
>you're lying down in front of your flowerbed
>watching the petunias gently bob back and forth to the flow of your earth magic
>you catch yoirself smiling at the sight of it more than once
>you should probably go to bed soon
>but this is nice
>all at once, a feeling of "okay we're tired now" slaps you in the mind
>and the flowers go silent
"Oh, right. No Sunlight right now. Figures."
>you're about to head up to bed
>but something squirms out of your ear and pops in front of your eye
>"Hello, Anon!"
"Oh my fucking shit!"
>you stand up and begin batting at your ear
>the motherfucker who just crawled out of it is a snake-like creature who goes by the name of Discord
>several guards poke their heads around the hedges to see what the commotion is
>but when they see Discord, disappear among the leaves once more
>fucking Discord
>with his god-like powers, he frequently abuses the fabric of time and space itself for real-life shitposts
>you know him to be lazy, irritating, loud, and infinitely smug
>and so powerful that it's impossible on every level to make him fuck off
>he's probably never given a single fuck about anything in his entire life
>in short, he's everything you've ever wanted to be
>and, oh, how you hate him for it
>"Lovely night, isn't it? I only wish I could see the Moon. Is it behind those clouds?"
>Discord raises his claw as though he's going to turn your expensive cloud cover into gumballs
"Don't you fucking touch those clouds, you cockmonger!"
>"Me, oh my, we are cranky tonight, aren't we? Perhaps it's time for little fillies to go to bed."
"I'm gonna stick my fucking-"
>your lips become zippers and zip shut
>Discord scans the hedge maze with apparent whistfulness
>"Do you know, Anon, that it was right around this very spot that she defeated me?"
>you unzip your mouth, upon which the zippers disappear
"Who, Twilight?"
>"No, that was in Ponyville. I'm talking about Fluttershy. Have you heard the story?"
"Only about a dozen-"
>"One by one, I lured her friends into various forms of despair. But Fluttershy was different. Even as I threatened her to her face, she stayed…. sweet… and innocent."
>Discord shrugs
>"In the end I had to brainwash her by force. But, do you know, life is funny. These days, she's my closest friend!"
"Your only friend."
>Discord sticks out his forked tongue
>"Rude. Maybe I won't make you the offer I came all this way for."
"Oh geez, what do you want?"
>"Oh, I just wanted to extend a small favor. Remember how you used to beg and plead me to make you human again?"
"Sure."
>"Well, after giving it a few years of thought, I'm finally ready to grant you your wish. Ready?"
"H-hang on, hang on. A non-pony can't legally rule Equestria."
>"So?"
"So, why couldn't you have made this offer at any other point during the last four years? You know, when I wasn't expected to be the only thing standing between this country and total chaos?"
>Discord blinks
>"I don't believe we've met. I'm Discord, spirit of chaos."
"I fucking hate you."
>Discord shrugs
>"Well, that's not to say I wasn't excited when I first heard they'd put a crown on your head. After all, you're my kind of princess."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
>"Well you're lazy, arrogant, impulsive, easily provoked-"
"Okay I get it shut the fuck up."
>"See what I mean? In any case, you seem to be handling things a bit too well for my taste. This cloud cover idea has brought things disgustingly close to normalcy."
"Please go away."
>"So, what do you say? I give you your fingers back, and all you have to do is sit back and smell the ashes."
"Have you ever thought about using those obnoxious powers of yours for something helpful? Like finding the princesses?
>"Oh, please, not even I can do everything. I'd tell you if I knew where they were. Just between us, stiff little Twilight has begun to grow on me."
"Okay. Well, in that case, I've got about three and a half hours before I have to get up tomorrow. See you never, hopefully."
>"You're not even going to think about my offer?"
>you're already walking away
"Go away."
>"Not even one little finger? Or a little-"
"Get the fuck out!"

>today marks eighteen days and nights of, well, nights
>you should feel pretty good about that
>so why do you have this foreboding of of dread?
<"If you must know why I'm taking you to the banquet hall, Princess Anonymous, I'll tell you a small secret."
"What's that?"
<"A certain dragon told me that today is your birthday."
>is it?
>hm…
"Huh, I guess it is."
<"Did you forget?"
"Apparently. More importantly, there's not a ceremony for this, is there?"
<"Oh, there most certainly is."
>Starswirl grins as he grips the doors to the banquet hall in his magic
>you cringe like an abused dog
<"No, Starswirl! No!"
>the door swings wide open
>a burst of confetti smacks you in the face
>"Surprise!"
"However, I took the liberty of arranging a more private celebration instead."
>Twilight's friends are all laughing and waving at you
>Rockhoof grins from by the buffet table
>Spike is suspended from the ceiling by a mass of streamers tangled around his tail
>Starlight Glimmer offers a standoffish head-nod
"Oh, thank fuck."
>Rainbow Dash snatches you up in one fell swoop
>"Heh! I see somebody still needs to wash your mouth out with soap, kid!"
"Oh, geez, where are you taking me?"
>the rest of Twilight's friends have formed a ravenous circle below you
>Dash drops you into the middle of that
>suddenly you're surrounded by cooing mares
>there was a time when you would have really enjoyed this
"Ah! Stop it! Literally every single one of you knew me when I was a grown-ass man!"
>"Of course, but darling! Treating you like a filly is the only way to make you pout!"
>two marshmallow hooves squish your cheeks
>"And you're so very adorable when you pout!"
>"Oh! Oh! Somebody get Anon a party hat! Oh wait, I already did!"
>an elastic band snaps tight around your chin, fastening a cardboard cone in place on your scalp
>"Ooh, aren't you just the most precious thing!"
>Fluttershy scoops you up and lifts you out of the feeding frenzy
>"Now, girls. It isn't nice to tease."
>a chorus of disappointed "aww"s rises from the floor
>Fluttershy turns her eyes on you
>"How old are you today, Anon?"
"Uh, I guess I'd be 30 now."
>that's when it happens
>the first time you've ever heard Starswirl laugh
<"Ha! Is that so? You don't look a day over 12! You must tell me your secret."
>the scrunched-up scowl that elicits out of you coaxes the girls into howls of laughter
~"Uh, guys?"
>you look up
>Spike is still dangling from the streamers
~"A little help here?"
>Starlight brushes her mane out of her face and trots over to the center of the party
>"I'll get him."
>a bit of magic finaggling later, and Spike is able to glide himself safely to the floor
>Pinkie Pie begins firing her party cannon
>which you haven't noticed until this very moment
>completely at random, spraying confetti and streamers everywhere
>"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"
>seemingly in response, the whole world issues a massive shudder
>you fall flat on your ass
"That, uh, wasn't your party cannon, was it?"

<"Rockhoof, do you sense what I sense?"
^"That this was no mere earthquake?"
<"Indeed."
^"Aye. The mountain is crying out. Be quiet a while, all of you. Let me listen."
>Rockhoof plants his hooves firmly on the marble floor
>and closes his eyes
>as you watch him, the world shakes again
>but Rockhoof stands motionless through it
>the quake is calm for a long time before he opens his eyes again
^"Shai-hulud."
<"I see."
"Uh, excuse me, what?"
<"Anonymous, are you familiar with the tatzlwurm?"
"The what?"
<"Never mind. The shai-hulud is the largest species of worm in the world."
>another earthquake knocks you off your hooves
"Big enough to cause that?"
<"Indeed. Were it to surface through the top of Canterlot Mountain, it could consume the city in one bite."
^"It's not likely tae do that, mind you. The great worms of the earth prefer to stay hidden."
"So, we just wait for it to go away?"
^"No. This worm could eat away at the mountain from within and cause a great collapse. He'll have to be driven away."
>Applejack gives a rebel yell
>"Well it sure is good we've got some of the best adventurers in Eqeustria in here! C'mon, yall! Let's go kick us some worm!"
<"No."
"No? No?! Let's just let a big fucking worm destroy Canterlot?"
<"What I mean, Princess Anonymous, is that you must face the shai-hulud alone. Can't you feel it? There is a great destiny in the air today."
"No I can't fucking 'feel it' I'm a damn earth pony!"
^"I feel it in the earth. The creature was sent as a trial for you."
"So what, you're just gonna risk a million lives on some mystic, horseshit 'feeling'? Twilight would never have been expected to do this shit on her own! She'd go down there with all her friends and use the friendship powers or whatever."
>Applejack scratches her chin
>"Eh, I dunno if anyone's ever told you this, Anon, but friendship ain't exactly your strong suit."
"Oh, oh, so you're all just gonna go along with this?"
>Twilight's friends exchange glances and nod
>"Eh"
>"Yeah"
>"Sounds fine to me."
>"Pretty much."
"Sure, you know what? Okay. I've been meaning to fucking die, just take me to the fucking worm."
>Pinkie cheers
>"That's the spirit!"
>Starswirl claps his hoof on your shoulder
>and then hits you with a surprise long-distance telepoof
>once you finish throwing up, you can see that you're in what appears to be a dark dungeon
>standing at the entrance to an even darker cavern
>you're probably deep underneath the castle
>Starswirl picks up a rock from the tunnel and casts some sort of spell on it
>the stone is transformed into a glowing gem
<"Take this, and go quickly. I sense a great destiny waiting for you."
"Look man, I don't think this is a good idea. There's, what, a million ponies living in Canterlot? I don't think we should risk that over some 'great destiny' mumbo jumbo."
>Starswirl nods
>then zaps your ass with a spell
"Ow! What was that?"
<"It will allow me to watch over you. Should it appear as though you will fail, I will intervene."
>you take the glowing rock in your hoof
"You're really fucking set on this, huh?"
<"The time of your testing is at hoof. You must go."
"Okay. Sure. Fine. But when I die you've gotta dye your hat pink for my funeral."
>with that, you stick the magic rock in your mouth
>and disappear into the bowels of Canterlot Mountain

>down the twisting cavern corridors you go
>occasionally a great rumble knocks you off your hooves
>more than once this happens as you're standing next to a steep drop-off
>and more than once you have some close encounters with falling rocks
>you'd like to say that you're guided by this "great destiny" Starswirl and Rockhoof were on about
>but to be quite frank
>you're just sort of going at random
>the deeper you go
>the more you start to hear loud roars
>like
>impossibly loud
>more than once, you think that the creature must be right behind you
>but it's not for a long walk yet
>when your cavern path ends in a dead end
>a sheer drop leading to a massive, open space far below
>do you see it
>the great worm is lined with glowing red gemstones down its sides
>and
>far below though it is
>you can tell that it's mind-bogglingly massive
>the enraged creature flails and rams against the mountain's interior
>taking great mouthfuls of stone from the walls and casting them about at random
>it hasn't noticed you yet
>okay
>there is no conceivable way for you to handle this thing
>you lean against a large rock and think
>wait a second
>is it supposed to be this obvious?
>there's a massive rock sitting on the precipice of the drop
>this thing is easily 15 times your size
>there's a chance that if you push it off, it could injure the worm and scare it away
"Seriously?"
>okay, sure
>pushing this rock off the ledge will require you to channel more earth magic than you've ever channelled before
>but still
>you brace yourself against the rock
>remembering what Rockhoof always says about not relying on your own strength
>remembering what he says about drawing your strength from the earth
>you push
>or rather, the rock essentially pushes itself
>it tilts precariously
>as if it really wants to go over the side
>but instead of doing that
>it crashes back into place
>loudly
>you check to see if the shai-hulud heard that
>oh, yeah
>it definitely heard that
>the massive monster worm roars with purpose as it races up the side of the drop
>heading straight for you
"Oh shit, oh fuck, oh man!"
>you brace yourself against the rock again
>and you heave and heave at it
>in your panic, you keep losing the flow of the earth magic
>and the rock comes crashing down against your tiny filly strength again and again
"Come on… you… fucking… BITCH!"
>at last, the rock goes tumbling over the edge
>you breathe a sigh of relief as you watch it hurtle toward the great worm
>but then you suck it back in with a gasp
>you went over with the rock!

>the rock smashes into the shai-hulud's face
>you land on the rock
>which hurts, of course
>but not nearly so much as it would have hurt to land on the cavern floor thousands of feet below
>you spend a moment being grateful to be alive
>then the worm loses its grip on the wall
>and it falls
>and the rock falls
>and you fall
>with your eyes shut tight, you scream into the rushing blackness
>and you scream
>and you fall
>and you-
>"Anonymous?"
>cracking open your eye, you find that you're floating in some kind of purple void
"Princess Celestia?"
>the tall, white alicorn nods
>"Indeed."
"Oh man… A-am I… dead?"
>"I hope not, that would make me dead as well. I'm quite sure I was perfectly alive just a moment ago."
"I'm pretty sure I was plunging to my death just a moment ago."
>"Oh my. How in the world did that happen?"
"Some big worm was attacking Canterlot. I pushed a big rock on it, then fell down a cliff."
>Celestia frowns
>"That cutie mark on your flank. Did you have that the last time I saw you?"
"No, definitely not."
>"What is it?"
"Earth magic."
>Celestia scratches her head
>"Earth magic… Anon, how large was this rock exactly?"
"Pretty fucking big. Big enough to knock out a charging shai-hulud anyway."
>"So you channeled a great deal of earth magic and sacrificed yourself to save Canterlot?"
"I mean, you could put it that way."
>"But before you could plunge to your doom, the Aether whisked you away to see me."
"That's, uh, pretty much what happened, yeah."
>"Well congratulations, Anon."
"What?"
>"I think I'm supposed to make you an alicorn now."
"What?!"
>"It makes sense, doesn't it? Why, they've even made you the princess by now, haven't they?"
"Yeah. How did you know about that?"
>"A bill with your name signed onto it appeared to me on a puff of dragonfire. Something about a holiday for Spike."
"Oh, that was, uh, vetoed, don't worry."
>Celestia giggles
>"I'm relieved to see that Equestria is in such responsible hooves. Twilight was quite upset when we got that paper, you know."
>the great alicorn's horn glows brightly
>"Princess Anonymous, when you wake up, you will be a true alicorn."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you do that, I need to ask you something."
>"Ah, what's that?"
"Where the fuck are you?"
>"My goodness, you're right! Luna would scold me severely if I didn't tell you."
"Yeah. I'd kind of like to find you and give you your job back."
>"There is a hidden chamber beneath the Castle of the Royal Sisters, in the Everfree Forest. We are being held prisoner there."
>Celestia's horn glows to an almost blinding brightness
>"It is a lair for shadow ponies."

Chapter V

>when you pop back into reality, you wind up only a few feet above the cavern floor, instead of a few miles
>in a sense you're grateful for this
>but in a another sense, you do hit the ground hard
"Ow."
>the shai-hulud you landed about ten feet from seems to have hit the ground a lot harder though
>the great worm rises at the sight of you
>and stares at you with its eyeless face
"H-hi."
>and then
>it dives into the ground
>though it burrows rapidly, the massive creature takes about ten minutes to fully disappear within the earth
>the sight is so enrapturing
>that you forget you've lost Starswirl's glowing stone
>and that the shai-hulud's bioluminescence is your only source of light
>and now
>all is dark
"Well, shit. How do I find my way back up now?"
>"Anon!"
>"Darling, where are you?"
>up on the ledge you fell from, you can make out a search party of about eight ponies and one dragon
>you take in a deep breath and scream as loud as you can
"I'M DOWN HERE!"
>holy dicks
>your voice came out louder than you ever imagined was possible
>puffs of rubble are shaken loose from the cavern at the sound of that shout
<"I say, that wouldn't be a Royal Canterlot Voice I heard, would it?"
>you're not really sure what Starswirl is on about
>but shortly, Rainbow Dash swoops down to bring you up
>she gives you a big grin on the way up
>"Hey, what am I carrying you for?"
"Because I can't fly?"
>Dash "heh"s
>"You might wanna look in a mirror when you get back up to the castle."
>when you're deposited safely up on the ledge, Starswirl unironically "huzzah"s
<"I knew it! I knew your destiny was at hoof!"
"What are you on about?"
>Rainbow Dash flicks at your horn
"Ow!"
>wait a second
>you have a horn?!
>oh, yeah
"Oh, about that. See, as I was plunging all alone to certain death, I got whisked away to see Celestia. She did say something about making me an alicorn."
>you crane your neck around to see your barrel
>yep, wings
>but they're proportioned all retarded
>like they're just way too big for your body
>man, this actually looks hideous
<"You met Princess Celestia?"
>you're sort of focused on trying to activate your new wing muscles
>to see if your new wings look any less terrible when spread out
"Yeah, yeah, it was just like you said. I used a fuckton of earth magic, almost died in the process, then the Aether or whatever took me to Celestia."
>Starlight coughs
>"She, um, wouldn't have happened to tell you where she and the other princesses are right now, would she?"
>you give up on figuring out the wings
"Yeah, of course. Obviously. They're all locked up in some secret chamber under that old castle in the Everfree."
>Rainbow Dash objects to this
>"The Castle of the Two Sisters was one of the first places we looked! I was there myself!"
"Well I assume the thing about secret chambers is, they're hard to find."
>involuntarily, your wings flop down to the floor
"Anyway, I'd like to head out there as soon as possible to find them."
<"What, go yourself?"
"Yeah. I'm suddenly really well-qualified for this sort of thing, aren't I?"
<"You have no idea how to cast even a single spell."
"Psshhh, but I bet I've got earth magic for days."
>as you think of 'earth magic,' a huge stalagmite rises from the cave floor just behind you
"Holy shit, did I do that?"
^"Now, Starswirl, old friend. It is customary for young princesses to go on quests."
>Rockhoof shoots you a wink on the sly
>Applejack raises her hoof
>"I'd go with her. I'm sure all of us are real eager to rescue Twilight."
>the rest of Twilight's friends, to include Starlight and Spike, voice their agreement
"Oh, now you guys wanna help!"
>Starswirl sighs
<"Very well, you may go. Let us return to the castle and prepare for your departure at once."
>Pinkie Pie deflates somewhat at that
>"Awwww."
"What's up?"
>"We're not gonna finish your birthday party?"
>you blink
"Hey Starswirl, Celestia said the chamber she was in was a lair for 'shadow ponies.' How much immediate danger are the princesses in?"
<"Shadow ponies? Why, almost none at all."
"Let's go finish that cake Pinkie brought, at least."

<"Shadow ponies are the psychic remains of ponies who lived long ago."
<"Long after the body has turned to dust, and the soul has taken its final journey through the air, and memory has faded, the mind may live on, if the pony in question died in great unbalance."
"So they're ghosts?"
<"No. Ghosts are disembodied souls, and they usually possess memory as well. Shadow ponies have neither soul nor memory. They are nothing but mind."
<"Lacking memory, shadow ponies seek out the presence of the living, to bathe in their memories."
"That sounds… gross."
<"It is common for shadow ponies to abduct the living, keeping them alive in their lairs so that the shadow ponies may enjoy their memories for decades to come."
<"The princesses would be a natural target for the shadow ponies. Because they are immortal, the shadow ponies who held them would never have to abduct another living pony again. And the elder princesses have many aeons of memories to share."
<"Shadow ponies do not think in the same way that you and I do. But they are cunning, and will not want to be found by you. And should you enter their lair, they will try to keep you from leaving."
"What exactly will they do?"
<"The lore is unclear on this matter. You will have to plan your escape when you find out."
"Well that's not very hopeful, considering that they've been successfully holding four full-grown alicorns for months on end."
>you stumble over a large root
>that last discussion with Starswirl happened maybe two hours ago
>he stayed in Canterlot, to manage things in your absence
>but he didn't let you leave til he had taught you one spell
>it's a very simple one
>you just channel some magic into your horn
>and then a big laser beam comes out
>there's a giant hole in the roof of Canterlot Castle from where you first cast it
>apparently you've gotta be careful with this shit
>you shake your head and keep trudging on behind Twilight's friends
>after a full day of princess work
>followed by defeating a giant worm
>and a birthday party
>the day is growing late
>all around Equestria, pegasi are arranging thick, black stormclouds for another pseudo-night
>but over the Everfree Forest
>the weather is known to manage itself
>over the trees, the Sun shines bright as noonday
>but beneath the trees
>the forest grows thicker as you penetrate deeper and deeper toward its heart
>and it does appear to be growing darker
>your horn smacks into a low-hanging branch
"Ow! Bitch!"
>these horn things are apparently really sensitive
>not in an "oh yeah" kind of way
>more in an "oh fuck, the pain" kind of way
>the jolt sends you sprawling on the ground
>Starlight stops behind you
>"You gotta watch out for that."
"No shit. I'm not used to having a six-inch bone sticking out of my head."
>you get up
>and trudge on
>the party passes through what appears to be the nexus of the forest darkness
>at the heart of the Everfree lies the clearing where the Castle of the Two Sisters stands
>and as you get closer to it, the trees thin out
>finally, you reach the rope bridge leading to the castle
>Applejack woops
>"There it is! I knew we'd make it before dark."
"But it wasn't gonna get dark."
>the group wastes no time in crossing the bridge and entering the courtyard of the ruined castle
"What the everliving fuck is that thing?"
>"What's what?"
"That fucking ugly tree-thing!"
>Starlight points right at it
>"Oh, that? That's the castle that Twilight's students built out of the Tree of Harmony."
"Another damn crystal tree-castle?"
>"What's wrong with it?"
"It looks awful! And it's taking away from the ruins!"
>Rainbow Dash scratches her head
>"You might be making a big deal out of nothing."
"Yeah, whatever. Let's just split up and find the damn princesses."

>the parties are as follows
>Rarity and Fluttershy
>Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash
>Starlight and Spike
>you and Applejack
>should you fail to find the princesses, you are to regroup in the courtyard
>currently, you and Applejack are traipsing through some kind of dungeon
>"Look sharp now, Anon. This old castle is full of surprises."
"Right."
>"Disguised levers, trap doors, hidden hallways. You never know what you might stumble into by accident."
"Well that's exactly the sort of thing we're looking for, isn't it?"
>"True. But I'd rather know about it before I go fallin' into it."
"That's fair."
>a handful of magic torches, the few whose ancient enchantments still work, light and go out as you pass them by
>beyond the short radius of their dim light lies an impenetrable wall of black
>in the darkness, something clatters
>the air down here isn't stagnant
>but it doesn't seem to flow normally, as from a draft, either
>the musty air rolls back and forth over your head
>in waves
>it's as though the dungeons are…
>breathing
>just what Everfree monsters might have taken refuge in this place in the millennia since it was abandoned?
>what evils, left behind in the ancient forbidden archives of the castle, might have sunk down to the lowest levels of the ruins?
>what villains were left to rot in these rusted cells all those centuries ago, whose spirits may even now be lurking just out of sight?
>and what of the shadow ponies?
>what unknown snares might they be laying down for you, the young immortal, that they might feast on your alien memories for all eternity?
>"Anon?"
"Huh?"
>"You look like you're psychin' yourself out."
"Is it that obvious?"
>"You've been pressed up against my legs for the past ten minutes."
"Well, when you put it like that…"
>"It's a little hard to walk like this."
"S-sorry."
>you step away from Applejack and shuffle along on your own
>"It's just a little dark down here, that's all. Why don't ya use that fancy horn of yours to light up the place?"
"Uh, I don't think I can do that just yet. I could blast a hole in the ceiling and probably let some Sunlight down here though."
>"No, no, that's uh… that's all right, sugarcube. Don't do that."
>at the edge of the dim torchlight
>something moves
>you may or may not squeal and grab Applejack's legs again
>"What is it now?!"
"It's a… I saw a… It was…!"
>from the shadows
>a creature comes
>small and swift
>skittish and…
>fuzzy?
>"It's just a rat. Calm down."
>the rat scurries past the two of you into the shadows that lie behind
"Okay. That's fine then. Let me just…"
>you let go of Applejack and stand on your own four hooves
>just in time to see the shadows themselves advance
>the shadow that enters the torchlight takes long, sure hoofsteps across the crumbled cobblestone
>a pony-shaped field of darkness stands clearly within your sight
>it is, you assume, a shadow pony
>it stares at you with faceless sight
>a strange feeling
>as of intolerable…
>nostalgia
>overwhelms your soul
>and then
>the shadow pony turns around
>and merges back into the darkness
>Applejack gallops after it
"What are you doing, following it?!"
>"It could lead us right to the lair, come on!"
>your companion speeds into the distance
>taking the torchlight with her
"Oh, man, wait for me!"
>unfortunately, your stubby filly legs can't keep up with the galloping farmer
>fortunately, you can still make out the receding torchlight in the distance
>and oddly, you can clearly see that you're following hoofprints made of moss
>a click echoes through the dungeons
>"Hey, whoah!"
>the torchlight returns to you
>and you know that you're alone in the dungeons
>with the rats
>and the shadow ponies
>you double your running efforts
>and you come to the end of the vast chamber
>the mossy hoofprints end here
>and Applejack is nowhere to be seen
>just a featureless brick wall
"Shit!"
>you strike the wall in frustration
>and the brick you hit recedes with a loud grating sound
"Shit!"
>the wall rapidly rotates and sweeps you to its other side
>there awaits a long tube of polished crystal, descending almost straight down into the bowels of the earth
"Shit shit shit shit!"
>you're sliding down at terminal velocity
>but the slide suddenly bends upwards
>and you're flying up out of the earth
>finally, you emerge into the courtyard of the castle
>where you flop gracelessly onto the ground
>"Anon. Glad to see ya made it."
>Applejack sits nearby, cradling a foreleg
>you groan unintelligibly in response
>"I'm thinkin' about givin' up for now and waitin' for the others to show up here. That all right?"
"Sounds good to me."
>it seems as though you ought to get up and go back into that castle
>but you can't
>you're too sluggish right now
>and you feel as though you're nostalgic
>for something you can't remember
>your eyes close
>and sleep comes quickly

>you're not sure how long it's been when you wake up
>with the Sun immobile in the sky, there's just no way to tell
>judging by the droning of the crickets, it could be the middle of the night
>but the insects could just be confused after so long without darkness
"Applejack, how long was I out for?"
>in the daylight, an owl hoots
"Applejack?"
>you rub the sleep out of your eyes and stand up
>looking around, you see…
>nothing
>and nobody
>you are alone
"Fuck."
>no, you do see something
>on the ground
>there's a trail of something that could be hoofprints
>it's odd though
>rather than being flattened down…
>the grass where this pony trod seems taller
>fuller
>you decide to follow the tracks
>they lead you to a set of cut, earthen stairs in the wall of the gorge
>so you climb down
>into the heart of the Everfree
>at the bottom, the trail leads into an empty, shallow cave
>they stop in an obscure corner
>or rather, they disappear into a thick patch of vines and creepers
>could it be?
>you plant your hooves firmly into the ground
>(hey. move.)
>surprisingly, the wild Everfree vines are eager to obey your command
>once they retract, you can see that they covered a downward-sloping tunnel
>you can't see any trail of strange hoofprints down the tunnel
>but you don't need them anymore
>the trail is so tangible to you that you can almost smell it
>earth magic
>the tunnel twists and winds and forks for ages
>eventually, the light from above no longer reaches you even a little bit
>but you don't need it
>you know where you're going
>this place is pungeant with earth magics
>the soft, earthen floor
>the scent of damp moss
>the low-hanging tree roots which threaten to snag in your mane
>it makes you feel alert
>it makes you feel alive
>in the distance, you can see torchlight dancing on the walls
>and you know that your trail ends just around the corner
>coming around the bend, you see them
>at last
>the princesses!
>all four of them
>well, five if you count the babby, who's asleep in her mother's hooves
>Twilight's friends are here as well
>and Spike
>and Starlight
>none of them are restrained in any way
>they're all just…
>sleeping

>you cough
"Excuse me. Hey, yeah, you guys. Wake up, I'm here to rescue you."
>the mass of sleeping ponies shifts and groans
>Applejack wakes up first
>"Anon? What's goin' on?"
"Hey, you're the one who disappeared. You tell me."
>"I… don't remember. Last I knew we were up in the courtyard."
>Celestia's eyes flutter open next
>she raises her sleepy eyes to you
>"Anonymous… you came…"
>heh
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here, Princess. Why's everyone asleep? Let's get out of here."
>"It is the power of the shadow ponies… Too tired to move… Why are you so… lively?"
"Are you kidding? This place is dripping with earth magic. Can't you feel it?"
>Applejack scratches her chin
>"Earth magic, huh? I'm feelin' pretty good too, to be honest."
>Luna's ears visibly strain to hear your conversation
>and the moon princess lifts her tired head as well
>"Earth magic…"
>Luna's eyes scan the room slowly
>"I see… I recognize this place now."
>"What, sister? What is this place?"
>"Has it been so long? Have you forgotten? A thousand years ago, this was the hermitage of the royal earth mages."
>Celestia's eyes widen as she looks about the chamber
>"You're right. So it was."
>this place…
>these shadow ponies…
>they must be…!
"Princess. What happened to the earth mages? 800 years ago they died out, but you never told Rockhoof why."
>"It is… painful… to tell…"
"I need to know."
>Celestia nods
>"A little over one thousand years ago… the Castle of the Royal Sisters found itself with just one sister."
>"The castle… the memories… it was too lonely… too terrible."
>"I left this place, and founded Canterlot."
>"But in those days, the Everfree Forest was the Everfree Grove… the greatest hub of earth magic in all the land, and the pride of all the royal earth mages."
>"The earth mages… refused to leave. They stayed behind and tended to their precious grove… They abandoned me."
>"Over the years… the earth mages grew more and more isolated…"
>"They stopped contacting me… they refused to train new earth mages for me… Eventually, they refused to train new earth mages entirely… for fear that they would come to me."
>"After 200 years, the Everfree Grove had become a wild and terrible forest… And I knew that the last of the old earth mages were gone…"
"Not the last."
>"No… Rockhoof was trapped in time… and returned a short while ago…"
"And he trained me."
>Celestia smiles a sleepy smile
>"That's… good… I'm… glad…"
>the Princess's head sinks back to the ground
>nobody is left awake but you and Applejack
>your gaze seeks, finds, and rests upon the sleeping form of Twilight Sparkle
>the mare who accidentally made you a princess
>she's snuggled up next to Cadance
>her torso rises and falls with her deep, steady breaths
>"Uh, pardner."
"What's up?"
>"Might wanna look behind you."
>you turn around
>dozens of shadow ponies loom in the torchlight
>you're hit with that strange wave of nostalgia
>the power you felt when you threw that rock at Blueblood
>your simple, black cutie mark
>the dancing flowers
>the tumbling boulder
>the days when Celestia's royal earth mages lived in great honor
>Applejack has already fallen to her knees and begun yawning
>you're feeling pretty sleepy, too
>you've got to do something
>you've got to do something fast
"Wait…"
>you sink down to your belly
"I can… bring it back."
>the shadow ponies tilt their heads at this
"I can bring those days back."
>strength slowly returns to your limbs
>you take a shaky stand
"I can bring earth magic back."
>the shadow ponies look at each other
"Look at me. I'm a damned alicorn princess, with an earth magic cutie mark. I can bring it back."
>power from the earth rushes into your hooves and awakens you to full awareness
"I'll bring it back. I promise. But you have to let me go. You have to let my friends go, too."
>the shadow ponies look at you
>then back at each other
>the ancient earth mages share a nod
>and then
>they vanish

>long story short
>everyone woke up
>Twilight flipped shit when she saw you
/"Who thought it would be a good idea to make Anon an alicorn?!"
"Lemme see. Starswirl the Bearded, Rockhoof, the Aether, and uh… her."
>you point at Princess Celestia
>but she's taken a strange interest in staring at the chamber ceiling and whistling
>everyone got safely out of the tunnel
>but you made sure to seal it back up when everyone was out
>following this, you made a triumphant return to Canterlot
>to your eternal gratitude, Celestia took her job back
>thus ensuring that you'll never have to do Day Court ever again
>almost even better, it was right around time for Sunset when the train pulled into the Canterlot train station
>Luna took the opportunity to make a beautiful, clear, starry night
>with a big full Moon and everything
>Pinkie Pie took the opportunity to throw a formal "Anon's After-Birthday Party / Return of the Real Princesses Party" in the castle courtyard
>and by "formal", you mean that she's currently bouncing around the courtyard trying to coax ponies into doing the Pony Pokey with her
>Twilight's chatting with the rest of her friends on a white marble pavillion
>the elder princesses are smiling and waving from an elevated platform
>Cadance is sitting in a corner, bouncing her kid around in her magic
>th-that's pretty sweet...
>too sweet, you might die of diabetes if you stare too long
>you quickly turn away and search for something else to look at
>Discord scowls at you from the buffet table
>you trot over to him
"Hey, buddy."
>"Hmmm…"
"Is that offer to make me human again still on the table?"
>Discord scoffs
>"What? Now that you've restored order and harmony to the land for the rest of the foreseeable future?!"
"Uh… yeah?"
>"Heavens no!"
"Dick licker."
>Discord snaps his claws
>you're telepoofed into the middle of Twilight's friends
>immediately, four pairs of pastel hooves begin poking and prodding you
>"Ooh, look, it's widdle Princess Anon!"
>"You look sooo cute with those wings!"
>"Darling! You must let me smush your face some more!"
>"He he, ha! Lemme tousle that mane, sugarcube!"
"Ah! No! I never asked for this! Twilight, help me!"
>Twilight rolls her eyes
>then hoists you up in her magic
>a chorus of "aww"s rises from her friends
/"Come on, you. We have to talk."
>Twilight waves to Princess Celestia, who nods and takes wing
>then she takes you over to a corner where Starswirl the Bearded and Rockhoof are waiting
>she sets you down
>and Celestia lands nearby
<"Ah, Princess Anonymous. We've been meaning to speak with you."
"Oh, hey, what's up? What do you want to talk about?"
<"Your continuing education."
"Whoah, hang on a second, dude. I brought back the real princesses. I'm done with this bullshit now."
<"The other princesses, Anonymous. Not the real princesses."
"Nope, nope, nope nope nope nope nope!"
>you attempt to flee
>but Twilight blocks your path
/"Anon, I think you're old enough to take on a few responsibilities."
"B-but I'm only 30!"
>Celestia giggles
>"Anonymous, I promise, you won't have the same workload that you had during our absence. As a young alicorn princess, we only want to give you a small responsibility."
>you look at Rockhoof
>he smirks
^"If I heard the story correctly, lass, you seem tae hae made a promise tae some old friends of mine."
"What, the earth magic thing? I mean, I was kind of thinking that could be sort of a private venture, maybe like a few years down the line when I'm fully grown-"
>"Then it's settled!"
"What, settled? What's settled?! I didn't settle anything!"
>"Anonymous, your ascension and acts of bravery have demonstrated the true value of earth magics, a field of study which has gone neglected for far too long."
>Celestia begins to lower her horn toward your shoulder
>"I hereby appoint you-"
"No!"
>you dodge the horn
>Celestia tries again
>"I hereby appoint you-"
>you dodge again, and try to flee
>but Twilight restrains you with her magic and places you back in front of Celestia
"No!"
>"Thank you Twilight. Princess Anonymous, I hereby appoint you…"
>Celestia's warm horn gently touches your right shoulder
>then moves to your left
>"The Princess of Earth!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"