>Angel Bunny doesn't bother to entertain you after you ask him for the dozenth time whether or not you look up to scratch.
>Nor does he bother to say goodbye as you hurry out the door.
>Instead, he watches you depart from your cottage with the same quasi-bored expression he always wears.
>Turning back to the cottage interior, he chirps and beats his foot against the floor once.
>The denizens of the abode reveal themselves from their assorted alcoves and hideaways, and breathe a collective sigh of relief before happily helping themselves to the contents of your fridge and relaxing about the place.
>If Angel could speak, he would likely lament the weariness he feels at once more having to 'take one for the team and look after Fluttershy' to the rest of his comrades.
>As it stands, he cannot, so he resigns himself to throwing grapes into his mouth and sinking into his beanbag chair, enjoying the well-earnt serenity.

>Your wings carry you over both tree and brook towards a small hillock overlooking Ponyville.
>Upon it is a house; one of the more recently constructed homes.
>It was built here specifically due to the distance from the town, and the relatively commanding view of the valley it enjoys.
>Most ponies would never think to do anything of the sort; being social animals they prefer the close company of their kin, and living far out of the way is something only the more socially reclusive tend to do.
>Which is fine as far as you're concerned, given that you are one such citizen.
>Yet another thing you have in common with your paramour-to-be.
>You arrive at a bush just beyond the humble lane snaking up the incline towards the house.
>In a way it had become a companion of sorts over these many months.
>Many a plot, many a scheme, and many a strategy had been concocted within its deciduous confines.
>You push past an often-bent branch and enter the hollowed interior of the shrub; a protective leafy cocoon shrouding you from view, with a small break in the leaves offering an ideal view of the dwelling above.
>Shrugging off your saddlebags, you rummage through its contents and fish out a carefully made card and a small box; a selection of artisan chocolates you had saved up for a few weeks to purchase.
>It wasn't much, but it was what you were able to afford with this month's budget.
>Despite the cost of the chocolates, the card was your ace in the hole, as it were.
>Perhaps not as polished as those you can get from a store, but you always felt that a personal touch was needed for important matters like this, and a Hearts And Hooves Day card certainly qualified as a reason to get creative.
>Turning the card over, then the box of chocolates, you inspect (perhaps unnecessarily) them again to make doubly, triply, quadruply sure that there are no issues.
>As before, there are not, and before your compulsions grip you again you stop yourself and put them back into your saddlebags.
>Mustn't succumb to situational paralysis now; you have a quest to complete.
>The target of your affections, Anonymous the human, may have a day off work today, but that doesn't mean you should be wasting time.
>With a final satisfied nod, you stand once more and emerge from your shells, both natural and otherwise.
>Turning to face the house, you suck in a deep breath and take a step forward.
>You then pause, the hairs on the back of your neck bristling as you begin to feel the uncomfortably familiar and ever-ominous tingling of powerful magic around you; its presence envelops you, a blanket of pins and needles.
>A rippling in the very air before you prompts you to retract your step, and you feel trepidation as a golden light materialises, filling your vision and causing an involuntary hoof to shield your eyes from both the blinding phantasm and the rush of heat you feel.
>Once it fades, you find yourself gawking at the rear end of a very large, white alicorn; her unmistakeable aurora mane as captivating as it always has been.
"Prin... Princess Celestia?"
>Your voice seems to startle her, and she turns her head, a single eye studying you closely.
>Her lips settle into a gentle smile, and the towering mare faces you fully.
>"Fluttershy! I will admit I was not expecting to find you waiting for me, or anyone for that matter!"
"Um, is something the matter? Should I get Twilight?"
>"No no," a soft chuckle, "no need for any of that, this is purely a social call."
>Reassured by the presence of your beloved regent, you come to her side, gazing up at her.
"Is it something I can help with? I'm not sure I'll be much use, but I can try!"
>The Princess gazes down at you, her motherly expression only warming further.
>"Perhaps not much, my little pony, but I -might- be in need of well-wishes and good fortune."
"Oh? Whatever for?"
>Celestia casts her gaze back to the house at the end of the lane, then to you again with a sly grin.
>"I'm going to do something quite unbecoming!" she gives you a cheeky wink.
>You begin to feel uneasy, and after scuffing the ground with a hoof for a second, respond gingerly.
"Um... what?"
>Celestia giggles quite unexpectedly before leaning down and whispering to you.
>"I'm going to ask someone to be my special somepony!"
>Your eyes widen.
"O-oh my! That's... well I don't think I've ever heard of a princess doing that! Except, um, Cadance, but she doesn't count--"
>Celestia nickers coyly and nudges you with a hoof.
>"I'll keep that between us," she shuffles closer, still close to the ground, "but yes! It's been quite a long time since I last took an interest in anyone, but I've been watching Ponyville closely these past few months, and I think I've managed to muster the courage to make a move."
"You? Muster courage? But you're always so brave!"
>"Ah, Fluttershy." Her tone once more becomes measured, patient. "As a ruler I am confident in a great many things; matters of state and security to be certain. I have glared past the jaws of death and known no fear. But in the murky forest of intimacy I'm afraid I don't get quite as much practice as one would imagine, especially given both age and office."
"I thought someone in your position would be getting -dozens- of suitors!"
>"I do, regrettably, yes. But love is a two-way street, is it not? And whilst I appreciate the time and energy each suitor puts into his, or -her-," she winks at you, "apperance and presentations, their gestures are not reciprocated."
>She sighs, and stands up to her full height once more.
>"Alas, it has been several centuries since someone has caught my eye," you realise that she's now looking straight at Anonymous' house, and your stomach drops, "and today I intend to make him a proposition."
"...Him?" you manage to squeak.
>Her eyes do not leave the house as her smile grows.
>"Anonymous." she savours his name, "You've met him, haven't you? I have spoken to him on quite a number of occasions since he arrived and I must say I'm quite taken. Perhaps it is the mere novelty of him being one-of-a-kind that attracts me? Or perhaps there is an element of a 'forbidden fruit', as it were. Regardless, I find myself rather smitten, and given that this is the first time in a -long- while I have been so, I intend to at least make a move. I am quite out of practice, to be blunt, but I think I still remember enough of the old courtship traditions that I can put on a show."
>She glances back at you.
>"I... hope you don't mind, Fluttershy, but would you please keep this between us? Twilight would throw a fit if she knew. You may not have noticed, but she's got a rather unhealthy attachment to me and I would rather not kick the hornet's nest if I can help it."
>You can't answer her. Your face is frozen in shock, and your heart is thundering in your chest.
>The Princess gives you a graceful smile and nods.
>"I'll take that as a yes? Thank you, Fluttershy--"
"WAIT!"
>You clasp your hooves over your mouth and sit back on your haunches as the Princess of the Sun turns to you, her eyebrows arched.
>"Is something the matter?" Her expression grows concerned. "Are you quite alright?"
"I-it's just, um, I uhh," you swallow once, twice, and smile weakly as you look your immortal, all-powerful ruler in the eye, "A-Anonymous and I, um, w-we're already..."
>Celestia studies your face carefully, and frowns.
>"Are you already an item?"
"W-well not -exactly-, but um... I was going to ask him... today."
>Celestia's magenta gaze washes over you, and settles on your saddlebags.
>A playful smile works its way onto her.
>"Oh, you were going to ask him today as well?"
>She grins, her eyes flickering with enthusiasm.
>"It would appear we find ourselves in merry competition, Fluttershy!"
"I'm... sorry?"
>"Well this is quite a treat!" Celestia seems to recall memories that far predate your time, a nostalgic look about her. "Ohh, how long has it been? It has been far longer than I can immediately remember since I have had to -compete- for a heart."
"C-compete?" you can only whisper as the gravity of the situation begins to set in.
>"But of course! It has fallen out of fashion in the last century to be sure, but there was a time when Hearts And Hooves Day was an emotional battlefield!"
>She is lost to her memories as she continues in spite of your evident terror at what she's implying.
>"Stallions competing with stallions for the hoof of a mare; mares against mares to try and win over their own mutual flames. Oh it was quite an exciting time, and thinking back I can just about recollect a year where I found myself competing with seven of the realm's most beautiful mares for the hoof of a -very- well endowed earth pony Baron." The no-doubt scandalous echoes prompt a chuckle, "Ah, but I won in the end! They contested bravely, but I had something they did not."
>She looks down at you once more, her eyes boring into yours and locking you in place as they peer straight into your soul.
>"A higher internal body temperature. It makes all the difference, you know."
"O-okay," your voice is barely audible.
>"And so here I am now! Facing off once more, against an Element of Harmony, no less! I think you are more than a worthy adversary, Fluttershy, and I wish you the very best of luck."
>She nods, gracefully.
>"May the best mare win."
>With that, she simply turns away and strides forth towards Anonymous' house.
>You watch her go, stunned.
>Surely this is a joke? Surely she won't actually just take him from you? Would he even go for her?
>As she walks, you watch her flanks. Her pristine coat glows under the warmth of her sun, her mane wafts on the winds of magic, her very being exudes the aura of a living saint; a paragon of ponykind and the superlative example of the equine race.
>Then there's you, still with a few leaves in your mane and covered in dust from sitting down in the road.
>Shaking your head, you scramble to your hooves and scamper after her.
>You can't just let her get away with this! Anonymous is yours, you saw him first!
>She isn't allowed to simply sweep him off his feet just because he caught her eye like some fleeting plaything!
>No, you aren't about to let some regal, perfect, incomprehensibly beautiful goddess-among-ponies waltz into your life and steal your man.
>As you come up alongside your now-apparent rival, you steal glances at the side of her face as you both walk, the Princess still wearing her serene smile.
>"Something the matter, Fluttershy?" she states without looking at you.
"Um, yes. He's mine, actually, I-I saw him first."
>"Oh? And this entitles you to him?"
"We-- yes! I think it does, at least."
>"Aha, but no, it doesn't, does it? Anonymous will choose the mare whom suits him best. The one with which he cannot imagine himself being without."
>She tilts her head in your direction slightly.
>"And pragmatically speaking, why wouldn't he pick me?"
>You blink, not sure how to answer.
>"I am Equestria herself. I raise the very sun that warms this land and brings it life; I lead the government and its administrative machinery; my word is law; my experiences numberless; my treasury full; my bed fit for two."
>Another grin plasters itself upon her, "I can fulfil his every need, what can -you- do, Fluttershy?"
>Despite her words, her tone bears the subtle encouraging flair that inspires so many around her, and you rise to the challenge.
"I was there for him when no one else was. I found him face-down in the mud outside the Everfree Forest during a storm. I tended to his wounds and nurtured him back to health; I bathed and clothed him. I helped him settle into his new life here in Ponyville, and I was the first pony to fall in love with him! You might have all your powers and money, but I have love!"
>Celestia's eyes brim with glee, and she leans her neck down to affectionately nudge her cheek against yours as you walk.
>"I'm so proud of you, Fluttershy! Keep that passion stoked, and remember to say all that when we speak to him."
>The Princess returns to her normal posture, now gently humming to herself as the two of you approach the front door.
"This isn't a game to me, Princess, I-I really love him!"
>"Good! Play to your strengths, Fluttershy, I have every confidence in you." You arrive at his front door, and Celestia raises a gold-capped hoof to knock firmly on the wood twice, the two of you stepping back a bit, "Besides, it's all in good fun, is it not?"
"Maybe to you..." you mumble.
>The door opens, and you behold your muse in all his early-morning glory.
>Bedecked in a pink dressing gown, clutching a cracked mug of black coffee, and clearly nursing a headache.
>"Woah, Christ," his eyes widen as he takes in the two mares on his doorstep; one covered in dust and foliage, the other an actual supreme being. "Am... I in trouble?"
>"Anonymous! Good morning to you, my friend. Are you well?" Celestia takes the lead, her natural charisma shining forth.
>You struggle to make your presence known beside her, but you stand up as straight as you can, hooves nervously shuffling about.
>"I'm doing well, Princess; to what do I owe the pleasure?"
>"Well! Wouldn't you know it, but myself and Fluttershy here have found ourselves bound together in a spirited contest!" the Princess beams at you with pride, and you find it hard not to shakily smile back at her encouraging manner.
>"Uh, that's great?" Anonymous states, clearly confused, "Again, am I in trouble?"
>"Not at all, Anonymous. Now, I have a proposition for you, if you would grant me the honour?"
>He blinks, "Sure? I feel like I at least need to be wearing pants for this, though."
>"Nonsense; you need not be dressed, though clothes would be something of a hindrance anyway should you find my request acceptable."
>He seems perturbed, but holds his tongue.
>"Now; it has been a while since I have done this formally, so please allow me a moment to present myself."
>"O-okay?" he glances down at you fearfully, and you can only offer a slight shrug in response.
>Celestia draws herself up to her fullest, and rather imposing, height. This way, she stands a bit taller than Anon, her eye-level just above his own.
>The mare turns herself, facing her side to the human and posturing with her front leg raised and opposite rear leg stuck out slighty.
>She holds this pose for a few seconds, giving both yourself and Anon enough time to study her from this new side-long angle.
>The Princess then faces him straight on again, and bows her head, giving him a good view of the back of her neck and withers.
>Her pronounced horn comes just short of poking him, and his foot drifts backwards defensively.
>Straightening once more, she politely nods at him.
>Then, turns right around, hikes up her tail, and shows him everything between her thighs.
>Anon's jaw drops open, and you cover your mouth with a hoof, a fierce blush crossing your features.
"O-oh... my."
>Celestia spreads her rear legs a bit wider, looking back over her shoulder at the human with a confident smirk.
>For his part, Anon can only stare with a mix of post-sleep bewilderment and rapid-onset anxiety, as though looking at what he was seeing was both incredibly illegal and possibly a form of religious sacrilege.
>Satisfied that he was satisfied with her presentation, Celestia turns back to Anon and performs a curtsey before speaking in her most proper, sovereign accent.
>"My name is Princess Celestia Invictus. I am the regent of Equestria and herald of the sun. I would like to court you on this Hearts And Hooves Day, and trust that you will welcome my proposal."
>A final bow, and her shoulders slump slightly, returning to her normal stature below Anon's eye-level.
>She smiles giddily and looks to you, listing her head and speaking in a hushed tone.
>"How did I do?"
"...I... Uh..."
>"Impressive, no?"
"Uh..."
>She winks at you playfully at looks to Anon once more, who hasn't moved from his position, his jaw still slack and eyes wide from what he'd just witnessed.
>The mug in his hand droops slightly from a slackened grasp, and a bit of coffee dribbles over the rim, wetting his foot.
>This snaps him out of his trance, and he swallows.
>"Th-that was... Wow. Uh. Okay then."
>Celestia puffs her chest out with pride.
>"I think that speaks for itself. Alright Fluttershy, your turn!" She nudges you forward with a leg, a look of maternal pride on her face as her eyes dart over you. "I believe in you!"
>Anonymous manages to tear his worry-filled eyes from Celestia to you, and you find yourselves staring blankly at one-another.
>"Fluttershy." he blurts.
"Anon."
>You tremble, but muster what courage you have left in the face of recent developments to reach into your saddlebags.
>Presenting your card and chocolates, you offer them to him, and he carefully accepts them in a free hand.
"I, I got you these, so uh, please read the card..."
>He sets his coffee mug to one side and opens the card first.
>"Dear Anon," he reads aloud in a flat voice, "I have known you for many months now and think we would make a cute couple. Please will you be my special somepony this Hearts And Hooves Day. Love, Fluttershy. Kiss kiss kiss kiss... Man you put a -lot- of kisses on this thing."
>You nod a few times, your cheeks flushed.
>He then opens the box and winces.
>"These are all, uh, a bit melted."
>You wilt and try to hide behind your mane, embarrassed.
>Celestia, who had been looking between you both, chews her bottom lip anxiously.
>"Oh that's alright though, isn't it, Anonymous? It's the thought that counts?"
>"Yeah, yeah, I can put them in the fridge to cool down and harden again."
>He puts on a faint smile.
>"Thank you very much for the gift, Fluttershy, I'm flattered."
>You nod, mumbling something.
>Celestia nudges you again.
>"Isn't there something you needed to say, Fluttershy?"
"Um... n-no, that's it..."
>Celestia seems crestfallen, but refrains from pushing you.
>Instead, she turns back to Anon and flashes a weak smile.
>"So! Those are our proposals. Whom would you like to accept?"
>Anonymous looks between the two of you in silence, not sure what to say.
>"I mean, uh, you're both very... lovely. And I'm sure you'd both make another ma-- stallion, very happy, but I'm going to have to decline. Both of you."
>You lower your head, ashamed, and Celestia ponders this thoughtfully.
>"Are you certain? I must advise that I am very warm, and will forever be fertile."
>Anonymous, who was sipping his coffee, splutters, coughing.
>"Aha, uh, thanks, Celestia, but no--"
>"Then what about Fluttershy? She may not be quite as large as I am but surely that means she would be tighter?"
>Celestia leans back to heavily sniff your rear end, and you seize up, not sure what to do. Celestia seems aghast; almost indignant.
>"She is still a virgin as well! Anonymous really, Fluttershy is prime breeding material! I may not have participated in Hearts And Hooves for a good while, but surely the old ways are still valid, are they not?"
>She gives your rump a firm smack, proceeding to knead the plumpness with vigour.
>"She's got a good set of haunches on her! I simply must protest on her behalf Anonymous; she may be too humble to speak up for herself but I cannot allow her to simply be dismissed out of hoof. You just don't know what you're missing out on here!"
"P-Princess please stop--"
>"Celestia, I appreciate... whatever this is, I think, but again, I have to say no."
>"Utter nonsense, I won't stand for it! I am old enough to withstand rejection, Anonymous, and I do not mind conceding this to my most faithful subject, but she is young, ready to bear foals, and has shown a clear interest. What more can a stallion want? She will deliver many healthy foals, I am certain of it."
>You start hyperventilating.
>"Princess, with respect, Fluttershy's already tried multiple times to woo me like this--"
>"And -still- you reject her?! She has shown such commitment! Such drive! Were she to propose herself to me I would have taken her back to Canterlot already and--"
>Before the Princess can continue, you all hear someone clearing their throat.
>Celestia's words die behind her lips, and she glances back, as do you.
>Yourself and Celestia part to reveal another pony stood before Anonymous' home.
>Or rather, much to your surprise, a zebra.
>Zecora regards the two of you with suspicion, before looking to Anonymous and smiling.
>She trots forward, passing between you both as though you don't exist, coming to a stop before the human and looking up at him.
>He raises an eyebrow at her.
>The zebra clears her throat again, speaking in her usually unusual rhyme.
>"Today is a day of carnal lust, of which courtship rituals are a must. I prefer to keep things going apace, and so must ask, may I sit on your face?"
>Yourself, Celestia, and Anonymous, all rigidly stare at her, stupefied.
>For a while you can only hear a family of birds chirping nearby, and a faint breeze rustles the grass around you.
>Finally, Anonymous nods.
>"Yeah, alright, you win."
>He scoops up the Zebra under one arm and slams the door shut, leaving you and the Princess of Equestria on his doorstep.
>You slump to your haunches once more, defeated.
>Celestia frowns, then shrugs.
>"Oh well, you can't win them all, I suppose. Poor fortunes upon us both it would seem, Fluttershy."
>You feel the grip of a firm, but gentle magical aura, and find yourself rising off the ground.
>Celestia deposits you on her back and smiles gently at you over her shoulder.
>"Come along, dearest rival, we're going to go and get drunk. I shall regale you with tales of my past romantic conquests. You may yet learn a thing or two!"
>In a hot flash of gold, you both vanish.
>This is why you never take part in Hearts And Hooves Day.

The End.