>"Anon, get down from here."
"Not today, Sporkle! As of today I've had it with this shit!"
>"Anon, you're causing a scene!"
"Today I'll be causing a heck of a lot more than THAT!"
>Be Anon
>It was a Tuesday morning
>The weather was fair
>A little crisp, but fair
>You were standing on top of the crystal castle of doom
>Your shirt was off, and you had a gallon of bleach in hand
>Twilight stood at ground level, looking thoroughly done with you
>But fuck that
>Screw her and her dumb wings and her ugly castle
>And Poochy
>And that dumb fucking school
>And you know what? Fuck those weird diversity 6 that kept bothering you
>A man could only take so much, and you were beyond your breaking point
>The ponies walking about town down below were mostly ignoring you and Twilight, with only the occasional glance
>Fuck them too
>You were blowing this popsicle stand
>Twilight stomped a hoof
>"Anon! This nonsense right here is EXACTLY why nopony wants to let stallions vote! Now get your butt down here before you hurt yourself!"
"Fuck off Sparkle! I can't die! It didn't work last time it won't work now," you yelled
>You uncapped the bleach bottle
"I'm sick of this shit! I'm going to a new Equestria!"
>"What are you talking about, you stupid stallion?!"
"I'm going to a new Equestria, weren't you're not a filthy dyke princess!"
>"I'm not a dyke--!
"I want the treebrary back! I want that sassy little unicorn book nerd! I'm sick of all these fucking dragons and yaks and all this other bullshit running around!"
>You looked toward the market place
"Ponk! Witness me!"
>Pinkie Pie, who had been stopping for groceries, looked toward you
>Seeing you, she pointed
>"WITNESSED!" she yelled
>You grinned, and before Twilight, or anyone else for that matter, could do anything, you brought the bottle of bleach to your lips
>Just like last time, the first swallow was the worst
>If you hadn't done this before already, you'd have said that it was the worst burning sensation you had ever experienced
>Then the pain came
>A ripping, eye searing pain
>You fought through it, tears in your eyes, bleach running down your chin
>You could already feel it working
>Darkness was closing around your vision
>Everything felt light, and loose, and warm
>You smiled, even as you lost strength, falling from the top of the castle
>You were going to a new Equestria
>Hopefully, with blackjack and hookers
>And the first thing you were doing was burning all of Starswirl's fucking books
 
~_~_~_~_~_~
 
>Slowly, you felt consciousness come back to you
>You were sitting, leaned up against what felt like a tree
>There was a dull ache in the back of your head, but no loss of memory like last time
>There was nausea as well, like you had a really bad hangover
>You couldn't help but smile
>Looks like you made it...
>"Oh my goodness. Hello? Are you okay?"
>It sounded like Fluttershy
>She had been the one to find you last time
>Back then you had accidentally scared her into a tree
>Her friends had teased her about it for months, calling her a little colt
>You kept your eyes closed, not wanting to make any sudden movements
>This time you'd like to make a good first impression
>A hand touched your forehead
>It was then everything went out the fucking window
>All your plans, your hopes, your dreams
>A
>Fucking
>Hand
>Touched
>You
>Not a hoof, a HAND
>Your eyes snapped opened
>It took several seconds for your eyes to adjust to the light, but when they did your heart leapt into your throat
>There was a... thing in front of you
>Not quite pony, not quite human
>It had the upper body of a woman, with a pair of hoofed hind legs
>A fucking abomination
>A vile, horrible thing
>It was staring at you, eyes filled with concern
>"Um... are you okay?" it asked, tucking a stray bit of hair behind it's ear
>You tilted your head away from the thing
>The bottle of now empty bleach was still in your hand, as it had been last time
>Heart racing, you lifted it up
 
Great Value "Bleach"
A bleach-like solution for all household cleaning
Trademark of Gryphon Cleaning Solutions
 
>Groaning, you closed your eyes, tossing the bottle away
>It would take awhile to get enough free reign to buy more bleach
>That meant you were stuck here
>In this hell
>This cesspit
>This... shit place
>And there was one little horse at fault
>A garbage horse little communist dyke shit
>Goddamn did you hate her guts, no matter what world you ended up in,,,
"Fucking Poochy," you croaked. "Couldn't even get me the right bleach..."
>Be Anon
>Be fucked beyond belief
 
 
>"Fucking goddamn bullshit... I'll play... You want a shit show I'll be a bull in a freakin' china shop..."
>Be Fluttershy
>It had been a lovely day
>Mr. Bear had helped you catch some fish for the baby otters you were taking care of
>You had been about to check up on a colony of nice bees that had just moved to Applejack's farm when you saw a stallion propped up against an apple tree
>Even from a distance, you saw that his shirt was off, and, fearing the worst, rushed over
>What you came upon was a shirtless male, yes, but not a stallion
>Whatever it was, it was massive
>Almost twice your size, even bigger than Princess Celestia
>Like one of those amarezon colts in your neighpon cartoon books
>It woke up as you got near, and it wasn't happy
>Not even a little
>Before you could introduce yourself--like a proper gentlemare--it was on it's...
>Claws?
>Paws?
>It was on it's... whatever they were and off towards town
>Still concern, you followed
>It, HE, ignored you, grumbling to himself
>His place and stride meant that you had to jog to keep up
>Not that you minded really
>You were just concerned that he was in trouble
>You also weren't ogling the muscles in his back
>No ma'am
"Um... excuse me? Mister?" you said
>"Fucking bunch of bullshit... I swear if I see Poochie here I'm beating her commie ass," the creature grumbled
>You cleared your throat
"Excuse me, my name is--"
>The creature stopped
>Before you could finish your sentence, he spun on a heel, turning toward you
>A hand bigger than your head was gently, but firmly, placed against your mouth
"eep!"
>He shushed you, bringing a finger to it's lips
>...
>Huh
>He had five fingers...
>Strange...
>"Fluttershy. Before I deal with any of your bullshit I need to go to town and check on something," he said, voice and accent... strange
>It was base-y
>There was a harshness to it too
>If he weren't a colt it would have been super duper scary
>As it was, you were only a little terrified
>"So, please just keep your weird horse abomination mouth shut, alright? Just five minutes of silence."
>Eyes wide, you just nodded
>The creature nodded back, letting go of you and spinning back around
>He glanced at the clouds
>"Rainbow Dash, I swear to fucking god if you're up there ready to fly at me I'm going to lose it."
>You stopped, looking up at the clouds
>Rainbow?
>How did he know who Rainbow--
>Sure enough, Rainbow poked her head through a cloud
>"Hey, how did you know I was up here, you freaky monster?" she demanded, eyes narrowed
>The creature didn't stop walking, or even slow it's pace
>"You always sleep here in the afternoon, since your boss doesn't look for you out here," he replied. "You tackle me I'm filing sexual harassment charges."
>"WHAT?!"
>"I'm not playing with you today."
>"How do you--"
>"SHUT IT!"
>The creature stomped off toward town
>Rainbow, looking as confused as you felt, flew down toward you
>"Are you okay, Flutters? That weird thing didn't hurt you, did it?" she asked, looking you over
>You just shook your head
"No, but he seems really grumpy," you replied
>Rainbow snorted
>"Its a colt. You know how they are, monster or not," she said, shaking her head
 
~_~_~_~_~_~
 
>Be Anon
>Be still fucking livid
>You were walking into town right now
>The awful horse-things were eyeballing your shirtless form
>You heard some cat-calling and whistles as you walked into the market
>Thankfully, most kept their distance
>Unfortunately, you could see a certain green unicorn staring at you like you were her favorite salt lick
>Usually, that wouldn't be that big of an issue, but it was the one right next to her
>Fucking Bonbon
>Even in this horrible form she looked peeved
>She was standing behind a cart, wearing an apron
>A fucking secret agent candy mare
>She was going to tell someone about you probably
>Nothing you could do about that unfortunately
>Just meant that you had to check what you needed to check
>You also needed to look out for--
>There was a blast of confetti and a giggle
>"Hiya! I'm Pinkie--"
>Without missing a beat, you slung Pinkie over your shoulder as she appeared in front of you, much to the amusement of everypony watching
"Shut up Ponk," you said.
>"Kay," the party pony monster said, kicking her hoofsies. "Mister, is it okay if I lick the sweat from your--"
"Shhhhhh."
>You walked over toward a cart
>There, a mare was selling horse two-by-fours
>Thankfully, you had some bits from the last Equestria in your pocket
>You tossed a handful onto the counter, grabbing one of the boards of wood
>It fit into your hand pretty well
>Just some tape around the end for a handle and it'd be perfect...
>You continued walking as Pinkie talked, welcoming you to Ponyville and whatnot
>She was halfway through with asking if you were a sloot, since you were shirtless, and the only stallions she had seen walking around outside in public shirtless were sloots, when you saw it
>A place of welcome
>A place of peace and harmony
>A place nopony in Ponyville went to because they were all illiterate hicks
>The treebary
>Even in this fucked hellscape of a world, the sight of it made you stop in place
>You felt tears coming, and did nothing to stop them
>A treebary meant unicorn Sparkle
>It meant no school
>No diversity
>None of that bullshit
>You just stood there for what felt like an hour, looking at it, tears spilling down your cheeks
>You eventually collected yourself, wiping your face before letting Pinkie down
"Ponk, did you hear anything about Twilight getting a fancy new book?" you asked
>Thankfully, amazingly, perfectly, the earth pony shook her head
>"Nope. Also, how do you know my name, mister?"
"Not important," you said. "I need to go to Canterlot."
>The mare cocked her head to the side
>"What for, mister?"
>Your eyes narrowed
"I'm gonna kick Celestia's butt."
 
>Be Cadence
>Pinkest princess in the land
>Shining was out doing royal guard things, meaning that you could indulge in one of life's greatest pleasure
>Peetzer
>Shining didn't like you eating it
>Said that you "needed to lose some weight" and that eating pizza every single day was "bad for your health"
>Silly colt
>You had alicorn metabolism
>You could eat all the bad stuff you wanted and live to be ten thousand
>Just like auntie
>Humming to yourself, you grabbed another slice of pizza
>It was from Pappa Pia's
>Your favorite
>Giving it a sniff, you brought it to your mouth
>"Stop right there!"
>"Celestia's sake colt! Stop!"
>"We need back up!"
>"URGH! Stop... resisting!"
>Mouth open, you watched as a giant lumbered into view, dragging about a dozen guards along with it
>All of the mares were straining as hard as they could, teeth gritted as they tried to pull it back
>The creature didn't seem to even notice, looking around
>It saw you and, brow furrowing, walked over
>"Did you get your shit pushed in by a bug monster at your own wedding yet?" it asked in the strangest accent you had ever heard
>You frowned
"Well, I wouldn't say it like THAT..."
>The male grunted, handing you the bat he was holding
>"You see a black, sharp-toothed evil looking sob hit him with this," the creature said. "I don't care if it's a stallion. I want you to walk right up behind him and crack him as hard as you can. Also, start working out, it'll be good for you when you have a kid. Trust me."
>Confused, you could only nod
>The creature nodded back, turning away, much to the dismay of the guards still clinging onto him
>"Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta beat up both your aunts."
>He then walked away, ignoring a poor screaming guard as she tackled him and nearly broke her own neck
>You watched him go, taking a bite out of your peetzer
>Mare...
>Equestria really was a magical place...
 
 
>"Oh Celestia, oh Celestia, that cake isn't the best for yaaaaa!"
"..."
>"Celestia, Celestia, about to make a messtia!"
>Be Celestia
>Day Court had just finished
>You were tired, your throne was making your rump ache, and you needed to pee
>Unfortunately, there was no time to pee just yet
>Plans were in motion
>Schemes within schemes
>Discord, the biggest pain in the flank you've ever met, and the reason while a stallion will never be able to vote as long as you lived, floated around your throne
>He was singing, talking, and just generally being a nuisance
>You just say there, resting your chin on a fist, waiting for him to either get bored or tire himself out
>Thankfully, after what felt like an entire afternoon, he stopped his coltish nonsense
>Grinning from ear to ear, he floated right in front of you
>"So, what can this worthless servant do for you, your highness?" he asked
>You let out a sigh, leaning back into your throne
"Have you found the book?" you asked
>Discord nodded
>"Of course. It was difficult I admit, ol' Starswirl was a personal old hag, but I was able to get it."
>A smile came to your face
>Starswirl's personal spell book
>Just the thing you needed for Twilight
>Her final--
>"Will you bucking--OOF!"
>The throne room door swung open
>This was followed by a half-dozen of Equestria's finest flying into the throne room
>You sat up, and even Discord turned around, eyebrow raised
>A creature stomped into the throne room, a stallion by the look of him
>He looked furious
>Heck, you hadn't seen a stallion this mad since you put a new tax on make up
>And sweet Harmony was he a big one
>Bigger than a yak by the look of him
>Seeing you, he growled
>"Yoooooou."
>You blinked
"Me?" you asked, pointing at yourself
>Hands clenched into fists, he walked over
>Discord floated in front of him
>"Hello there, Anon--"
>The creature cocked a fist back, punching the draconequus
>Discord let out a grunt of surprise, crashing to the floor
>You smiled
>Then a look of horror came to your face
>Then you smiled again
>Hah!
>That smiled disappeared as the creature walked right up to you
>It reached out, grabbing you by the collar
>Your horn sparked to life, ready to stop this nonsense, only for it to fizzle out
>Alarmed, you tried to cast a spell
>Nothing
>Goodness...
>Looked like you had a magically resistant colt...
>The stallion lifted you to your hooves, raising you up so that they were just off the ground
>You dryly swallowed
"W-Well, hello there. You seem very upset. Why don't you put me down so we can have a nice--"
>That was when the stallion reared his head back
>He then drove his forehead into your nose
>Hard
 
~_~_~_~_~_
 
>Be Anon
>"BUCK!"
>Celestia's head snapped back from your headbutt
>Blood began to pour our of her nose, her wings flapping in pain
>You let her fall back onto her throne, where she pressed her hands against her face
"That is for being a shit, lazy horse," you said, pointing at her as she loudly swore. "Also, for trying to give folks wings when they might not want them."
>Turning around, you turned your attention to the other shithead in the room
>Discord was still on the floor
>He was dazed
>Obviously, he wasn't used to feeling pain
>You walked over to him, picking him up
>"Anon, what are you--"
"Shut up. SHUT. UP." you growled. "I'm not dealing with your bullshit, you dollar store demon. Tell me where the book is."
>Discord sniffed
>"I don't know what you're talking about," he said
>You smacked him
>A real good, head snapping to the side hit
>It was like you were hitting a slab of lead
>In fact, that punch you had landed on him probably broke a finger or two
>Freaky god monster
>Thankfully, you were too upset to care
>You continued slapping him, until your hand was swollen and Discord's cheeks were red
"I didn't die twice to deal with your bullshit. Now give me that book. This place might be a hellhole, but no one's getting wings here!"
>"I--"
>You shared shaking him like he was a baby
>You shook him so hard it felt like your shoulders were about to pop out of place
"Give it to me. Give it to me right now you chimera, Mr. Potato head pain in the ass!"
>Discord made some weird sounds
>He turned sickly green
>You continued to shake him
"I'm not stopping until I get that stupid--"
>He snapped his claws
>There was a pop, and something heavy landed behind you
>You stopped shaking, slowly turning around
>It was there on the floor
>That familiar book
>You'd know it anywhere
>Just seeing it made your blood boil
>You let Discord go
>He magicked himself a garbage can, and proceeded to empty his stomach into it with whatever the hell he ate
>Bending down, you picked up the book with your good hand
>Standing back up, you turned to the princess and god
"This was for your own good," you said. "You'll thank me for this someday. Probably."
>With that, you made your way toward the hallway
>One thing done
>Now you needed to find that FUCKER that'd destroy the treebrary...
 
~_~_~_~_~
 
>Be Cadence
>Be still holding the bat that the big, weird stallion had given you
>Making your way into the throne room, you saw that your aunt was clenching a bloody nose, and Discord was laying on the floor, curled around a garbage can
>You blinked
"Huh... Are you two okay?"
>Neither said anything
>...
>You should probably tell auntie Luna about this...
 
 
>"Soooo... you make the trip to ClopsDale often?"
>Be Anon
>You had somehow escaped Canterlot, and had gotten onto a train
>You were headed to the other side of Equestria, to a small coastal town
>ClopsDale
>In the other Equestria, it had been a tourist-y place
>Kinda like Ponyville ended up being before you "left"
>It was also where that dumb fuck Centaur was hiding out
>The one that began that whole mess you left
>You were in a seat far too small for you
>The only other person in the cart at the moment was some pegasus was a slicked back mane and a leather jacket
>You looked over at her
>She grinned, staring back expectantly, her filthy anthro self leaning back in her seat
>A snort escaped you, and you looked out the window
>The mare deflated
>"Alrighty then... dick," she mumbled. "That's what I get for trying to be nice I guess..."
>She jolted upright as the train wildly jerked, head snapping up as what sounded like a dozen hooves slammed into the top of train
>"What the buck?!" she yelled, standing up, her head whipping this way and that
>You stayed where you were, nursing a fucked up hand and a splitting headache
>The train slowed down for a minute or so, before it started to pick up speed
>The cabin was now so silent that you could hear hoofsteps from the cart over
>The pegasus turned toward the door as it opened, revealing a guard in midnight blue armor
>A moment later, the door that lead to the other cart opened as well, revealing another guard
>They quickly made their way into the cabin, wicked-looking spears at the ready
>Both walked the length of the cart
>One of them made a hand signal
>The other took a deep breath, opening it's mouth
>You could almost hear a sound if you strained hard enough as the windows in the cart shook
>Both then leveled their spears at you
>"Don't move," one of them growled
"Don't tell me what do to," you replied irritably
>Somepony else stepped into the cart
>A mare so large she had to duck her head to keep from hitting the top of the doorway
>Just like the other two, she was wearing armor, though hers was far more ornate
>Her spear crackled with lightning as she slammed it down onto the floor
>She looked around and, seeing the pegasus, her expression softened
>"My little pony."
>"P-Princess Luna, what's going on?" the mare asked, holding her arms close to her chest
>"It's none of your concern, dear," Luna said, shaking her head. "Sergeant, please escort her to safety. I will call upon you if back up is needed."
>One of the guardsponies saluted, grabbing the terrified mare, and gently but firmly leading her out of the cart
>The Princess made her way over to you, spear leveled at your chest
>"You will rise and follow me," she said. "Male or not, you assaulted a Princess of Equestria, and you shall be punished severely for such a transgression."
>You looked toward her
"No," you said.
>She frowned, pressing her spear tip an inch or two below your nipple, right where your heart would be
>You just shook your head
"Not gonna work. You kill me I'll just go to another Equestria and try this again. Probably."
>That puzzles the beastman ass looking alicorn
>Her spear lowers, though she keeps a firm grip on it
>"Another Equestria?" she asked
"Yep. I was in a different one this morning. Those ones were cute little horses. Think of a big dog, but with hooves and a tail and a longish muzzle," you said, showing her how big a pony would be. "Here though, you're fucked up. It might even be worse than if you were all fucking human."
>The whole cart lapsed into silence
>The sole guard still here looked over at Luna, looking confused
>"Big, dog-like creatures?" the princess finally said
"Pretty much. I'm not that good at explaining it, but gives you a good idea. I met the pony you. I've had a conversation with you and your sister. I know you like to paint murals."
>The princess's eyes narrowed
"Twilight once told me you tried talking Shining into doing a risque portrait. Cadence wasn't happy about--"
>Suspicion was gone from the mare's face, now replaced with panic
>She loudly shushed you, turning toward the guard, nearly driving her spear into you
>"Private, please leave at once," she said. "Tell nopony what you just heard."
>"But your highness--"
>"No buts! That's an order!"
>The guard, still looking confused, saluted, rushed out of the cart as fast as her hooves could take her
>When the door slid closed the spear was lifted away
>Luna, staring at you strangely, took a seat opposite from you
>"Who and what are you?" she asked
"I'm Anonymous."
>The alicorn clicked her tongue
>"You broke my sister's nose and knocked her two front teeth out," she said.
"She deserved it. If my head wasn't throbbing so bad I'd do the same to you."
>"You would find I'm not as easy prey as my sister," she said, fingering her spear
>You just grunted, looking back out toward the window
>As much as you wanted the silence to return, she leaned forward
>"How did you come from this "Equestria", as you put it?" she asked
"Died."
>She sat back, eyes widening
>"Oh... My condolences."
>You shrugged
"That was the second time. Wasn't as bad as the first," you told her. "I just wish I popped up in a different Equestria."
>"I would call you a liar, or perhaps say that either Celestia or Cadence put you up to this, since Twilight would never do such a thing, and my sister has done stranger things for a laugh, but..."
>Her eyes flicked to the hand you were currently holding against your stomach
>"It appears you've broken fingers attacking Discord. I don't have my sister's humor, but even she would consider the joke too far gone if it were one. He seemed to know you, from what my sister said."
"He did when I was the other Equestria too. Called me by my first name like he knew me."
>"Then I suppose that your name isn't actually Anonymous?"
>You ignored the question, looking back outside
"I can't stand that you have four fingers," you said. "At least you have hooves on the bottom end. If it would have been feet I wouldn't have bothered with any of this and tried drowning myself in a river or something."
>The princess snorted
>"If you would have my morning would have been much more pleasant," she said. "Though that begs the question, why bother staying here if you loath our forms so much?"
>You swallowed
"I was just going to go into town and take a bottle of bleach from a pony selling it so I wouldn't have to deal with the whole thing of me appearing to ponies again, but then I saw the library."
>"Twilight's abode?"
"Yeah," you said, nodding. "It had been so long since I saw it that everything kind of... I don't know. Something clicked in my head. I can't stand how any of you look, but I couldn't let what happened to the other Equestria happen here."
>"And what happened?" Luna asked
>You looked away from the blurred landscape, turning your attention back to the alicorn
>She was leaned forward, staring at you intently
>It was hard to get words out now, but you forced them, word by word
"The library was destroyed, and everything went to shit. Twilight changed, her friends changed, the world changed, all for the worse."
>"Ponies change, Anonymous."
"Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, tried selling Fluttershy into slavery for a Daring Doo book. Applejack, a mare who wanted nothing more than to start a family had a "coming out" party totally unprompted. Each day I saw her Twilight began to turn further and further away from everything she learned while she was a dork that wrote letters to a teacher she idolized."
>You clenched a fist
"It was little things at first, but I noticed how different they were all acting, like someone that didn't know the girls had tried replacing them. It wasn't just Twilight and her friends, it was like everyone was different one day."
>You sighed
"I remember Twilight telling me something your sister had told her. You couldn't learn friendship in a school. It couldn't be taught. You had to go out, find yourself, find ponies that make you happy. You should have heard her when she told me. Those words meant so much to her."
>Your shoulders slumped
"Then, somehow, she got the idea to build a friendship school, and have her friends, mares with careers and lives, teach children. It just goes on and on and on like that."
"...I see."
"I really hope you don't. For your sake. It was driving me nuts. The world did a one-eighty overnight and everyone thought I was weird for trying to say anything about it."
>"And you believe the same thing will happen here?" Luna asked, crossing her arms.
"Did you try to get Shining to wear socks?" you asked. "Ones with frills on the end?"
>Luna's cheeks puffed out, her blush growing
"That's what I figured" you said. "There are a things I need to fix. If I do that it might make everything better. If it doesn't, at least I can say that I tried before killing myself again."
>The princess frowned, just staring at you
>"What happened, Anonymous?" she asked softly. "Who destroyed Twilight's home? If you told me I might--"
"Nope. I need to find and stop them first," you said, shaking your head. "If you know it might make things worse."
>You pressed your injured hand against your chest more firmly, the book underneath your shirt shifted
>Thankfully, Luna didn't seem to notice, looking you in the eye
>"I will be frank, young stallion. I do not trust you even a bit, despite your knowledge of things I'd rather be forgotten."
"I'll be honest with you, Princess. I could really not care less. You can come with me, and when I'm done you can take me back to Canterlot."
>"And if I simply take you here and have the conductor change course now?"
"Then I'll have you or your guards kill me, and if I can't do that I'll throw myself off the train head first. If that doesn't work, and you tie me up, I'll just bite my tongue off or something."
>You shrugged
"It's a bit morbid, but like I said, I've died twice. If you won't listen maybe another Luna will."
>"You seem to be a very troubled stallion."
"I did swallow a gallon of bleach this morning."
>The princess snorted
>"As much as I feel that I should throw you in irons now, I'll humor you a bit, Anonymous. I must ask however, why do you think my involvement in anything will make things worse?"
>Aw...
>The difficult question...
>You looked around
>There was no one here but you and the blue mare, but that didn't mean anything
>Eyes were always watching, even when they weren't eyes
 
"Something turned my friends into shadows of their former selves. It turned the Equestria I loved into a hellscape. I never saw it, I never knew what it was, but I realized it was there, pulling their strings like they were puppets. After the library was destroyed I got a funny feeling that never went away, like someone was watching me. Someone that didn't like that I was in the same sandbox playing with their toys. I can feel it here too."
 
>Be Princess Luna
>Guardian and Ruler of Equestria, and the Protector of Dreams
>You were in ClopsDale
>Admittedly, you had never come to this sleepy little town before
>It was a small fishing village with a population of less than two hundred
>It was late
>Your moon hung high in the air
>You were on a rooftop, with one of the stranger creatures you had met
>Anonymous, as he called himself
>The giant that had attacked your sister and Discord
>The one who had spouted strange nonsense
>A very confused, obviously bitter stallion
>He had requested that you stay in the train whilst he did whatever he had set out to do in this town
>You had, of course, refused
>No matter what happened here, he was coming back to Canterlot to pay for the assault on royalty
>Had his ramblings not overtaken your common sense, you'd be halfway back to the capital by now and he'd be in chains
>He didn't seem to appreciate this fact at all
>In fact, like a typical stallion, he had insisted you both go shopping as soon as you both stepped off the train
>And, to add insult to injury, he had insisted you pay for all of it
>He had wanted the strangest things as well
>A clay pot, a large box of marbles, two rolls of tape, thirty feet of rope, a map, and some food and water, among other things
>He had gotten this all, with barely a thank you mind you, and had gotten you to climb onto a roof with him, where he had proceeded to fill the pot with the marbles before sitting down and helping himself to bread and cheese
>The map he had bought was sitting on his lap and he was looking at it as he ate, obviously in no hurry
>You stood a few feet away from him, arms crossed
>Your patience had been thin when you had stepped off the train, but now it was SEE THROUGH
"I pray this was more than a sight-seeing luncheon for you, for your sake, creature," you said, tapping a finger against your forearm
>Anon looked down toward the street
>He was seated right above an alley
>There was a stallion and a mare below
>The two were talking and laughing, obvious to anything but themselves
>From the way that the colt was hanging onto that filly, it looked like somepony would get lucky tonight
>"He should be coming around soon," he said through a mouthful of bread
>Your eyes narrowed
"Who?"
>He said nothing, just helping himself to another bite of cheese
>You gritted your teeth
"Will you be less vague, you damnable stallion?"
>Anon looked back down at the couple
>"I remember Twilight saying that he stuck around this town for a few weeks. He'd pick off random ponies wandering around at first, since he was so weak and frail," he said. "He was able to take just a little bit of magic at first. Twi explained to me how he couldn't take too much too fast, but he was eventually able to suck a pony dry with one inhale after getting his strength back."
>In the relative silence of the night, you heard hoofsteps coming from the main street
>They sounded wrong however
>Almost like whoever was walking had more than one set of legs
>It took a moment or so, but you realized what, and who, Anonymous was referring to
>Your heart leapt to your throat, eyes widening
>Cerberus had left his post for a day or so
>Had that truly been enough time for HIM to escape?
>You peeked over the edge of the building
>A hooded figure made it's way onto the alley
>Too long and too oddly shaped to be a pony
>It slowly pulled back it's hood, revealing an old, withered monster
>A creature you and Celestia had fought so long ago
>Even in his sorry state you could see the rage in his yellow, ugly eyes
>Tirek
>The Great Devourer
>He was making his way toward the unknowing couple
>You were about to shout a warning, only for Anon to shush you
>"Hey, lift the pot for me," he said. "With the marbles I can't with my hand. With your magic. Hurry up before he starts sucking."
>Seeing that there was no time to delay, your horn glowed
>The pot was lifted
>Anon motioned you to lift it above his head
>Closing one eye, he looked down at Tirek, moving the pot with his uninjured hand
>You grunted in surprise as the pot became far heavier with his touch
>It seemed sister was right about his magical resistance, though it didn't seem a total resistance as she suggested
>Good to know
>Tirek puffed his chest out, deeply exhaling before opening his mouth
>Anon whistled, the sharp, loud noise cutting through the air
>The couple jumped, the monster jumped, even you were so surprised that you lost your grip on the pot
>Tirek looked up just in time for the pot to hit in right on the forehead
>"ARUGH!"
>The poor stallion below let out a scream as marbles went flying everywhere, seeing the old monster
>Tirek himself let out a shout of pain, hands flying to his face
>"WHO DARES ATTACK ME?" he roared. "I AM TIREK, DESTROYER OF--"
>The centaur attempted to take a step
>The bottom of his hoof stepped on some of the many marbles now sitting about, causing his leg to jerk violently to the side
>His body tensed in surprise at the loss of footing, and he attempted to correct it by moving his other front leg, only to step on more marbles
>He fell to the ground with another roar
>The mare, wisely, grabbed her stallion and raced out of that alley as fast as her hooves could take her while the monster tried to rise back up
>"ENOUGH OF THIS! FACE ME COWARD," Tirek yelled to the sky. "I WILL SMASH YOU! SUCK YOU DRY! LEAVE YOU A PITIFUL--"
>Anon pulled out another thing he had forced you to buy
>A large metal ball the size of an apple
>One again closing his eyes, he looked down at Triek before letting go of the ball
>The monster pulled his hands away from his face, only for the ball to slam into his nose
>"AAAAARRRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
>You couldn't help but wince as the centaur leapt to his hooves, racing forward as fast as he could, no doubt to get away
>Of course, he tripped on more marbles
>He lost his balance, becoming a tumbling, swearing blur before slamming headfirst into a steel garbage container
>There was an earsplitting clang
>The container screeched as it slide a few feet before stopping, a massive dent now in the side of it, along with a now very unconscious Tirek laying in a pile of marbles and his own blood
>For the first time since you met him, Anonymous turned toward you with a grin
>"Well, that went a lot better than I thought it would," he said, happy with himself as he folded the map up and dusted the cheese and bread crumbs off him. "Come on. Lets get him tied up."
>He made his way toward the building's ladder
>"Grab that rope and stuff for me, will ya?"
>You didn't reply, just staring at him as he walked away, eyes still wide
>You remembered how terrifying Tirek had been when you had fought him so long ago
>He had been unkillable, unstoppable; a monster without peer or equal
>Easily the most dangerous force on the planet
>And he had been laid low by a pot, marbles, and a ball...
>"Quit messing around, otherwise he might wake up!"
>Giving your head a shake, you grabbed the paper bag filled with tape and rope
"...Of course. Forgive me."
>Anonymous seemed to enjoy tying the monster up, taking his time and being as thorough as possible
>First, he securely tied his legs together with the rope, then used a whole roll of duct tape to secure his arms
>Two more rolls were wrapped around his mouth
>Anon would have put it over his nose as well, but you stopped that
>Mostly, you just stood there quietly watching him as he did his work
>It wasn't until Tirek was more rope and tape than monster did Anon stand back up
>"There. We should be fine until you get him back to Tartarus," he said, turning toward you
"I believe so," you said with a little nod. "Anonymous?"
>"Yes?"
"What would have happened if you hadn't... subdued him?"
>Anon's smile dipped
>"He would have taken the magic from every mare and stallion in Equestria. He destroyed a lot of towns too; a lot of ponies got hurt."
"I see."
>You cleared your throat
"I will make sure he is returned to Tartarus. You've done a very good thing here today. Despite a very poor... impression, you have my thanks. I will have to let my sister--"
"Before all that, princess. I got a question."
>Your shoulders slumped as some of the air left you
>Harmony, did you hate a nosy stallion
>Still, after everything you supposed you'd humor him a little longer before taking him back to Canterlot
"And what question is that?" you asked
>"How are the roads?"
>You blinked at the strange question
"The roads? They were fine in Canterlot. A bit muddy from the rain, but there is supposed to be a dry spell--"
>"HOLY FUCK, IT'S CHRYSALIS!" Anon suddenly yelled, pointing behind you
>Without thought, you whipped around
>Your spear appeared in your hands with flash of your horn, and you leveled it at any would be attacker
>You expected Chrysalis to be just a few feet from you, but the alley was empty
>Your eyes scanned, looking for any enemies
"Anonymous, where did you see her?" you asked.
>There was no answer
>You frowned
"Anonymous?"
>Again, nothing
>Now worried, you peeked over your shoulder
>The giant was gone
>You stood straight up in alarm, nearly dropping your spear
>Horse apples!
>Your horn crackled to life
"My guard, the giant has somehow escaped me. Leave the train and take flight. Search every road, every exit out of this town. He cannot be allowed to wander where he pleases. Do not fail me."
>Cancelling the spell, you looked down at the still unconscious Tirek
>You nudged the monster with your hoof
>Still bleeding, he let out a pained groan
>Anonymous needed to be found at all cost
>If the place where he came from was like your world Harmony knew what other nonsense he could, and would, get up to...
>But first...
>Grabbing Tirek by the tail, you began to drag the centaur toward out of the alley
"Come monster, your old pit in Tartarus will welcome you back."
 
~_~_~_~_~_~
 
>Be Anon
>Be in the trash container
>You watched as Luna dragged Tirek away, grinning
>When she was out of sight, you cackled, rubbing your hands together
>You were so jazzed that you almost couldn't feel the pain in your fucked up hand
>If Luna didn't mess anything up, and you sure hope she didn't, that was one thing fixed
>Now you needed to fix the Poochie problem
>No matter what, Starlight was going to be an issue, you felt
>She was too powerful to just ignore
>Hell, she might be stronger than Twilight is as a unicorn
>You had an idea to stop her
>Something way better, and possibly more permanent, than outright murder
>You'll also help out another horse in the process
>Here she's an ugly beast-looking thing, but you'll take what you can get for now
>Time to head to Manehatten!
 
"Huh..."
>Be Anon
>It had been a week since you had escaped ClopsDale
>Thank God ponies weren't too good with disguises
>You had walked out of that town with a hastily made pillow mask with some holes cut out for the eyes and a ice cream cone tacked on for a horn
>The guard had asked to see your cutiemark
>You had shown them the one you had drawn on with a marker you had stolen, and you were gone
>That didn't mean everything was peaches and cream though
>Getting back on any train was a no go, and you couldn't stay on the main roads for long
>Shitty disguise not, eventually someone with half a brain would figure you out
>It was touch and go for a few days
>You slept where you could, drank water from streams
>Any food you got was either from other ponies on the road or from a tree or bush
>The ground was hard, and your feet were starting to ache from doing nothing but walking, but at least it wasn't that cold
>You hand was also getting a better day by day
>It looked like you had busted a knuckle, but you could open and close your hand without much difficulty
>There were no headaches either, which meant that you didn't have a concussion, which was pretty great
>It was a long, long way to Manehatten, but you were covering ground day by day
>You had a bit of luck and "borrowed" a backpack that someone had left near a stream filled with goodies
>A knife, flint, food, even some clothes
>Most of the food was for horses, so you couldn't eat it, and the clothes were tiny, but it was something
>You were sitting underneath a tree, a small fire going
>You had an apple roasting on a small stick that you were holding
>You had some sticks, and a few dead branches keeping it going
>You also had that fucking book in there
>Starswirls book sat right in the middle of the fire, completely fine
>Not a burn or anything
>There was a frown on your face as you poked at it with the stick in your injured hand, trying to drive it deeper into the coals
>This book was the most dangerous thing on the planet at the moment
>Anything you did on this hellhole of a planet would be nothing, zip, nada, if Twilight got her hands on this
>It needed to go
"I figured you'd be harder to destroy," you grunted. "What, am I going to have to throw you into a volcano or something?"
>The book, of course, said nothing
>You kept it in there, hoping against hope that it would eventually catch fire, until your apple was fully roasted
>Shaking your head, you used the other stick to fish it out of the coals
>Nothing
>There wasn't even soot on the cover
>You nudged it with your foot and then reached down to touch it
>You quickly jerked your hand away as soon as your fingertips touched the binding and, realizing that it felt cool, you reached back out to touch it


 
Ȳ̸͚͚͈͎̽̎͐̐̊͋̄̀͊̔o̸̡̗̥̘͎̩͚̦̩̫͇̾̈́̀͛̓͋̎̃̔̔͘̚͜͜͝u̶̻̪̱͇̱̘̭̓̓̊̀̑͐͘͝ͅ ̵̫̫̠̗̪͙͖̖͈̠̙̫́̈́̓̊͌͜ķ̷͖̦͚̦̝͚͓͈̿́̔̀͑̽̔̀̑͐͗̚n̸̢̧̡̪̘̘͔̗͖̝̘͔͎̐͒͆͝ǫ̷̬̜͙͎̰̰̤̪̰̻͍͖͇̓̍̓̿͜͠w̷̡̨̯̖̣̙̻͙͚̻͖̱̼͈̟̌͂͆͒̆̇̇͝ ̵͚͇͔̩̱͚̘̃̂̿̐͂̐̓̊̊̚n̴̩̼͓͊̌̈́̈́̍͘͝ỡ̴͇̜͖͈̼̗͙̱͎̼̮͆̏̈́͑͜͝ͅt̷̢̥̭̱̣̣̻̯͖̆̓͒̄̌̂̆̋̇͑̍̐̈̚͜ ̸̠̦̺͙̪̾̀̄͑̽͗̔͆̈̎͒͝w̷͚̻̝̪̹͓̜̰͍̳̦̗̽͑͗̏̊̏͝h̴̢͔͎̬͙̙̠͍̜́͊͛̇͊͐͗͜ͅa̸̢̹͖̳̣͉̩̜̪̺͎̐̾̏͌͗̓̓̀̓̕ṯ̴̹̺̺̟̫͎̫̗̑̓̃͜ ̴̢̧͔͓͆ȳ̶̛̙͇̯̮̮̞̤̯͚͚̹ͅô̴̡̋͆̂͐̿͐u̴͕̭͍̦̖̻̺̒̽̇̌̾̇̂͑̀ͅ ̴̜͍̳̺͕̯̮̟̖͈͖̯̖̃̀̾͛̚͝ͅd̶̢̛͕̝̗̮͖̩̣̺͐̾̔̓̇̋̐̈́͊͒̕͘ő̵̱̌̈̂͝
 


>Your vision went white
>The sounds of the fire crackling and bird chirping disappeared into a loud ringing
>Your body felt weightless and it felt hard to breath, like something was picking you up and holding you very tightly
>Several terrifying seconds passed until your vision returned and the ringing stopped
>You were no longer holding your stick
>Both hands held the book tightly to your chest, and your heart was beating a mile a minute
>You were also grinning
"I knew it. I fucking KNEW IT," you muttered to yourself
>You hadn't been crazy
>There was a puppet master
>Not just in the other Equestria, but this one too
>Most importantly though, whoever or whatever they were didn't like what you were doing
>Which meant you were doing the right thing
>You leapt to your feet, laughing
>A feeling began to well in your chest; something you hadn't felt in years
>Hope
>"Uh... you alright there, fella?"
>You spun around to see two mares standing not a few feet away
>Both looked like country folk, with overalls, straw hats, and a piece of grain hanging from their mouths
>The one mares elbowed the other
>"Musta gotten the latest Coscoltpolitian," she said, nudging her head toward the book still held tightly against your chest. "Probably saw a new line o' makeup."
>"His poor mare," the other said, which had them both chuckling
>You quickly hide the book, too happy to even scowl at the abominations
"Yeah, yeah, something like that. Hey, I got a question for you fine ladies."
>The mares perk up
>"Fine ladies? Well, I'll be. There might be some hope for us, Plow," the one said.
>"I reckon not, though that's mighty polite of ya to say, Mr," the other said, tipping her hat at you. "What's yer question?"
"There wouldn't happen to be a town nearby, would it?" you asked
>Manehatten was too far away to walk
>Pretty much on the other side of the country
>As fun as it would be to walk all the way there, you might not have the weeks and weeks that it'd take
>You didn't know EXACTLY when you were in this world
>All you knew was that it was post Nightmare Moon, pre wings
>A lot of shit happened between all that
>The trains might have been a no go, but you could try a carriage
>If not a carriage, maybe a balloon?
>You still had bits from back in ClopsDale
>Took Luna's bag when she was buying you all the stuff to fuck up Tirek
>Said Princess would no doubt be looking for you, but unless she and her sister had the whole guard looking you might just get away with it
>You had to get to Manehattan quick, and then the real work would begin
>You had to find her
>Then, it was Poochie time
>The one mare nodded
>"Yep, a little town called Trot Ave. Me an' my friend here are on our way now."
>"There's some fancy magician there performing for the next couple o' days," the other said. "Some gal that called herself the great an' powerful something or another. We wanted to see her 'fore she left."
>You blinked
>No way...
>You thought she'd be in Manehattan already
>That's where she said she had gotten that Alicorn Amulet
>You honestly couldn't believe your good luck
>Here you thought you'd have to look all over for the blue pain in the ass, and maybe even figure out how to get a super dangerous magical artifact off of her
>Trixie
>The Great and Powerful
>A unicorn who couldn't use actual magic
>The one that would help solve the Starlight problem
>You kicked dirt over your fire, snuffing it out
>Dusting yourself off, you walked over to the mares
"Ladies, I'd be ever so grateful if you escorted me into town," you said with your sweetest smile. "I'd like to see this Great and Powerful mare myself."
 
~_~_~_~_~_~
 
>"Please hold still, your highness. I'm very nearly done."
>Be Celestia
>It had been a few days after the... incident
>You were in your personal chambers
>Today was the fifth day that Day Court had been cancelled
>Your little ponies were worried and asking questions
>Some of the papers had reported a "giant of a stallion" stomping out of the castle, but not much more
>A blessing if there ever was one
>Your personal physician, Sweet Touch, hovered around you
>You were seated on the royal beanbag chair, mouth opened
>That blasted creature had knocked your two front teeth out with that headbutt of his
>The idea of holding court looking either like some little filly or some country bumpkin had been too much to bear
>Thankfully, today was your last treatment to get some new teeth
>With the doctor's careful magicks, you could feel the small nubs sticking out of your gums getting bigger and bigger
>It hurt like the devil, but you weren't some little colt
>"You're doing very well, your highness. Just a bit more and nopony will be able to tell the difference. If you like, I can even adjust the color of each teeth to match perfectly with the others."
>She ceased her spell, allowing you to close your mouth to answer her
"That won't be necessary, my dear. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've lost a tooth to a stallion. I know how this works. A few cups of tea and they'll look just like the others."
>The doctor chuckled, motioning you to once again open your mouth
>When you did so the tip of her horn once again lit up
>"I'm surprised a stallion could knock your teeth out. If you don't mind me saying so, you are very durable, your majesty."
>Though you couldn't reply aloud, you did agree with her
>Giant or not, alicorns were made of some tough stuff, but not only did he hurt you, he smacked around Discord as well
>Sure, he stumbled out of the throne room if what Discord said was true, but even so
>A large, magic resistant, angry stallion was running around, and not only that but he had the book
>The linchpin of your plans
>Harmony only knew what he wanted with it
>Were it not for Luna's "report" on what happened in ClopsDale, you'd have had the entire Equestrian military combing the country looking for the stallion
>He had known Tirek was in the town, and had nearly killed the centaur with some marbles and a clay pot
>That had been rather amusing
>The old monster deserved much, much worse
>What was far less funny was the fact that he was from a "different" Equestria
>It sounded like some nonsense with your mirror in the royal vaults, so much so that you had gone down personally to check up on it
>It hadn't seen any use since you had last tinkered with it two hundred odd years ago, but nevertheless you doubled the guard there
>No need to have anything else running around your castle...
>Annnnnnd... I think we're done, your highness," Sweet Touch said with a smile, stepping away from you
>With a snap of her fingers, a mirror appeared in front of you
>You opened your mouth a little wider, drawing your lips back so you could look at your new front teeth
>Thank Equestria...
"Thank you very much, my little pony. Now I can go out in public again," you said with a smile
>The doctor bowed
>"It was my pleasure, your highness. I'll take my leave now if that's alright with you. I'm no doubt needed in the medical ward. If you still feel any lingering pains just let me know."
>Still bowing, the mare made her way to the door, only standing upright once her rump hit the door
>A very traditional mare that one...
>As she closed the door behind her, you allowed yourself to slump in your beanbag chair
>You even indulged yourself by letting out a groan
"Holy Hayseeds... what a week...
>You rubbed your temples
>The headache you had been nursing only grew when the scent of chocolate milk hit your nose
>"Oh Cellllllly."
>Oh horsefeathers...
>You looked up to see Discord
>The draconequus had a small bandage on his cheek, but was otherwise unharmed from the events a few days ago
"Did my sister return Tirek back to his pit?" you asked
>"She did. Tirek didn't seem too happy about it," Discord replied. "Not that I could blame the poor stallion. Do you know what kind of magazines they have down there? Nothing but hoofball and fishing."
>He shivered
>"All of it outdated too. Simply AWFUL. If it was that or being a statue I think I'd--"
>You raised your hand, motioning for silence
>You give him an inch and he'd talk your ear off, like all stallions
"Did you find the giant?" you asked. "Anonymous, or whatever he's called?"
>"I did not," Discord said with a frown, tugging at his beard. "It seems our friend blends well in a crowd."
"He's a ten foot tall GIANT!"
>"Which makes it all the more impressive. You'd think somepony would have seen him by now, or at least mentioned a giant walking amongst your "little ponies"."
>Your stomach tightened as he said little ponies
>There was so much mockery in those words
>So much thinly veiled anger
>As much as he liked to try to hide it, to be casual, you knew he resented you
>Nearly as much as you disliked him you imagined, the old goat
>Were it up to you, you'd have him back as a statue in the royal gardens
>But that trail was closed
>He had been unleashed on you all; better to use him
>You didn't know why, but you felt that he'd be important with your plans for Twilight
>Plans that, admittedly, you were becoming lukewarm too
>You didn't know why, but as soon as that book was taken, you had begun to have second thoughts
>Why make Twilight into a princess?
>She could rule as an unicorn just as well
>Why not give her a choice?
>She was not your puppet
>She was a fine, wonderful little



 
Ḓ̴̨͕͂̇̔̑̄͠ǫ̶̨̤̣͖̥̙̟̟͇̳̫͈̭̝̟̹͉͓͊̈́̐͌̀̈́̄́̌͑̑͝͝ ̸̼͚̤̥̫̖̊̀͆̋̔̄͑̀̋̂̈́́̐͛̇̌̚͝Ń̸̢̛̫͖̠̺͓̝͈͕̼̠̹̼̝͋͐̈͒̈͋̓͂̈͜͜ō̷̧̡̠̯̳̦̹̭̜̭͈̬͚͚͓̼̱̞̟̮̔̽̀͊̈́̑ͅͅt̵͖̻̠̰͍̱̻̙̘̣̝̓̈́̓̍ ̶̡̹̗̭̗̬̭̘̞̠̭̗̜͕̹̮͕̰̹͓͐̒̆͆ͅQ̵̛̘͓͙͔͉̦̹̱̖̗̖͈͕̞̝͒̿͌̂̂̊̓̈́̃̃̋͗̎̈͋͝ȗ̵̧̳͍̬̠̰͕̱̖̥͍͎͖̐͂͂̊͗͊͛̎̀͒̔͋̏͛́̽͝͝ͅẽ̵͔͙̼̦̺̞͎͎̝̣̮͙̙̝s̶̘̩̼̳͔̠̙̯͚̭̝͑̑̐̎̀̉̏͛̀̆͂̂̋̎͗͝͝ť̸̪̠̞͉̇̃̏̾͐̋͌̊͗͗̆̍̈́͑̎i̶̢̡̧̡̦̥͎̼͚͍̦͈͔͙̗͑̾͒̔́́̐͒̈́͊̌̈́̕̚͜͝ò̵̢͖̻͓͇͗͛͆̐͐̒̿̍͋͝ņ̶̛̝͉̪̿̐͂͗̓̒̀̿͗̂̍͆̔͂͋̈́̄
 


>You closed your eyes, covering your face with a hand
>No...
>This was what needed to be done...
>For the good of Equestria Twilight Sparkle would need to be an alicorn
>She MUST be an alicorn...
"Discord?"
>"Yeeeeeees?"
"Return to Luna. Tell her to keep searching for this creature. Starswirl's book must be found at all cost."

~_~_~_~_~


>"--And for my next trick, the Grrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie will make this wagon DISAPPEAR."
>You were standing in a crowd of ponies
>In the back, since they were all so freakishly small
>You might have hated how they looked, but you weren't rude enough to stand in the front
>No one was cheering
>No one was slapping
>No one looked enraptured
>Most were staring at the unicorn on the stage with a mixture of irritation and boredom
>The mare, sure enough, was Trixie
>Wizard hat and cape and all
>Even as an abomination, you'd recognize that voice and that arrogant smirk anywhere
>Now, you had never seen the unicorn perform
>You'd seen her fireworks show that she had every few months when she was parked in front of that ugly ass crystal nightmare, but never a proper "magic" show
>Honest, you had no idea why she was so smug all the time
>The mare sucked
>You had seen kindergarten magic shows that were better by a country mile
>It wasn't that her trick were bad per se
>Everything she did seemed well practiced, masterful even
>The thing was the mare just wouldn't shut the fuck up about how great she was
>She hadn't shut up about herself since she stared
>How nopony but she could do this trick, or how the pathetic unicorns now watching couldn't hope to guess she was about to do
>Honestly, it was hard not to boo the little turd

>The crowd had been quiet so far, but you could tell that the mood was as sour as could be
>Half of the original crowd had dispersed, some giving Trixie dirty looks as they left
>Trixie didn't seem to notice or care as she did trick after trick, bouncing around the stage
>She was now hanging upside down, tied with a rope
>She was hanging over a kiddie pool filled with water
>A knife was sawing at the top of the rope as the mare wiggled and grunted
>"Oh no folks. I don't know if the Great and Powerful Trixie is Great and Powerful enough to get out of this one," she called, looking out at the crowd
>There was silence
>Not even a cricket chirping
>It was awkward
>Too awkward
>To your shame you blinked first, clapping
"Yeah... go Trixie," you said with as much enthusiasm as you could muster, which, admittedly, wasn't all that much
>Trixie beamed as the rope was fully cut
>The crowd just watched as she fell into the pool with a splash
>When the water settled, the mare was nowhere to be seen
>"Ahem."
>Ponies turned, and you looked over your shoulder to see Trixie standing behind all of you, looking as pleased as punch
>Tada!" she yelled, throwing her hands up
>That actually got some claps, and a cheer or two
>Trixie bowed
>"Thank you, thank you, the pleasure is all yours," she said, pulling off her hat. "Now, if you are feeling generous, Trixie needs bits to eat, so it would be lovely if you filled her hat up with everything in your pockets. Thank you and goodnight, you filthy hic--I mean, wonderful crowd!"

>You watched as the teeny, tiny amount of goodwill vanished in the blink of an eye
>Many grumbling, the crowd began to disperse
>Some bits were placed in Trixie's hat, but not much
>The smile on her face began to sour more and more as ponies walked past her
>"Come on you ungrateful cretins! Trixie gave you the show of a lifetime! Pay her!"
>You stood there, arms crossed, trying hard not to laugh
>You waited until you were the last one before making your way over to her
>Pulling out the bag of bits that you still had, you dropped them into her hat
>She nearly dropped her hat, her head snapping toward you
>She looked at your chest, then raised her head up and up until she was looking you in the eye
>You watched as she swallowed, then smiled, bowing
>"Thank you very much, fine gentlecolt. It's nice to see SOMEPONY WITH TASTE!"
"Trixie--"
>"The Grrrrreat and Powerful Trixie, if you please."
>You frowned, leaning down, you placed a hand on her shoulder
"Trixie," you said again. "My name is Anonymous, and I'm--"
>"Trixie's biggest fan. I'm sure," she interrupted, patting your stomach gently. "This isn't the first time a colt has come to Trixie lavishing her with praise. Trixie will humor you with a kiss, and perhaps some heavy petting, but try not to--"
>Your hand left her shoulder and clamped over her mouth
>You had spent the last day or so trying to come up with a story to get Trixie to follow your plan
>After kicking around a few ideas, you think you had come up with something just perfect
>Something to do with a conversation you had overheard the unicorn having with shit-purple-princess-not-the-real-fucking-Twilight
"My name is Anonymous, and I'm from the Equestria Tax Services. You, young filly, are in a lot of trouble."

>Your words had an immediate effect
>Trixie's pupils shrunk to pin pricks and all the color left her face
>Fuckin' got her
>She stepped away, snatching her hat off her head and placing it against her chest
>"T-Tax services? What in Equestria could you want with Trixie? She pays her taxes in a s-sensible time every year."
>She took another step back, her tail curling around her leg as you raised an eyebrow
"If I remember correctly, you haven't paid your taxes in the last five years."
>"Lies! Trixie is a sincere and thoughtful citizen! Even though she thinks taxes are unlawful and hurtful to a traveling businessmare like herself, she still does her duty."
"..."
>"She does! You morons at the ETS must have lost her check is all."
"..."
>"Or the mail did. Those mare ponies and their unions have been a thorn in Trixie's side since she was a little blankflank."
>The mare puffed her chest out, doing her best to look outraged and furious
>You just cleared your throat, trying hard not to laugh
>In the blink of an eye, she deflated
>"Please, you large, strange stallion. Have pity on the forgetful and sorrowful Trixie," she said, getting down onto her knees. "Trixie is just a simple mare struggling to make her way in the world."
>You leaned down
"You made two hundred thousand bits in Las Pegasus over the course of three years. You're doing more than fine."

>"How in the horse seeds do you know that--I mean, I don't know what you mean, sir."
>Trixie looked behind her
>You could see the gears turning in her head
>If she made a run for it things might get difficult
>You were bigger than her, but these "ponies" seemed to be a lot faster than you
>There was also the nasty little fact that your hand was still messed up
>You'd eventually be able to get her, but who knows how long that'd take
>Thankfully, it seemed like Trixie didn't have much fight in her, the mare letting out a whimper as she turned back to you
>"Please don't put Trixie in jail," she begged. "She wouldn't do good in prison. Some large, muscular earth pony would make Trixie into her carpet munching sex slave! Please, Trixie will do anything!"
"Anything?" you asked
>"Anything," Trixie replied, nodding her head
>You pretended to think about it, looking up at the sky while tapping a finger against your chin
>Again, doing your best not to laugh as the unicorn looked up at you like some kicked puppy
>After a minute of letting the mare sweat, she offered her your hand
>Trixie blink, staring at it for several seconds before hesitantly taking it
>You pulled her to her hooves, a smile coming to your face
"In that case, Trixie, I need your help with something."
>"Help? What do you need Trixie's help with?"
"It's very simple, my little tax evader. I need you to help me save the world."

~_~_~_~_~

>Trixie was hesitant at first
>Said something about it, "being bad luck to bring a stallion on the ride" and there "not being enough room in her wagon for all of your clothes and other colty nonsense"

>She also had absolutely no desire to save the world
>She just wanted to be a simple magician
>You listened to her arguments calmly and patently, with complete understanding
>You then asked which maximum security prison she'd like to spend the next ten years in
>That made fixed her attitude right up
>You went ahead and explained the situation in brushstrokes
>Where you both were going, who you were stopping, and Trixie's role in it
>Though she seemed less than happy with this turn of events, you could tell that she was also secretly pleased in being the keystone in something so important
>She wasn't the keystone quite yet, but she would be, you just needed a bit of elbow grease and determination
>It wasn't until Trixie led you to her wagon that you was just how much elbow grease would be needed
>"Here it is, the Grrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie's humble abode," she said, gesturing toward it with a proud sweeping motion
>Now, you were no wagon expert, but you were pretty good and deciding if things were pieces of shit, and this wagon seemed to tick all the boxes
>The wooden wheels were cracked and had spokes missing
>The metal on the wagon looked chipped and worn
>The wagon itself looked to be in desperate need of a new roof and a paint job
"...What the FUCK did you do with that two hundred thousand bits?"
>"None of your business."
"..."
>"...Trixie has all the money in her mattress. Don't tell anypony though."
>With a sigh, you walked over and opened up the wagon's door
>Sure enough, a mountain of wrappers, plastic bottles, and smelly trash fell out

>She also had absolutely no desire to save the world
>She just wanted to be a simple magician
>You listened to her arguments calmly and patently, with complete understanding
>You then asked which maximum security prison she'd like to spend the next ten years in
>That made fixed her attitude right up
>You went ahead and explained the situation in brushstrokes
>Where you both were going, who you were stopping, and Trixie's role in it
>Though she seemed less than happy with this turn of events, you could tell that she was also secretly pleased in being the keystone in something so important
>She wasn't the keystone quite yet, but she would be, you just needed a bit of elbow grease and determination
>It wasn't until Trixie led you to her wagon that you was just how much elbow grease would be needed
>"Here it is, the Grrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie's humble abode," she said, gesturing toward it with a proud sweeping motion
>Now, you were no wagon expert, but you were pretty good and deciding if things were pieces of shit, and this wagon seemed to tick all the boxes
>The wooden wheels were cracked and had spokes missing
>The metal on the wagon looked chipped and worn
>The wagon itself looked to be in desperate need of a new roof and a paint job
"...What the FUCK did you do with that two hundred thousand bits?"
>"None of your business."
"..."
>"...Trixie has all the money in her mattress. Don't tell anypony though."
>With a sigh, you walked over and opened up the wagon's door
>Sure enough, a mountain of wrappers, plastic bottles, and smelly trash fell out

>It wasn't until she saw her wagon, all fixed up and just needing a new coat of paint that she had calmed down
>She had just sort of looked at it for a long while, before asking to pick out a color paint for it
>She wanted blue; a bit lighter in color than her coat
>You had gotten her what she had asked for--along with two more cans just so you could do any needed touch-ups while on the road--and she had insisted in helping with the painting
>With her help, and the help of five other mares, you had it looking spic and span by the end of the day
>She actually thanked the carpenters before the two of you left the next morning
>The wagon was pulled along by magical means
>Trixie just needed to sit on top of it "steering" like is was a stage coach
>Not wanting to stay in the cramped little wagon, you had elected to hop up right next to her, waving to the little town's citizens as the wagon drove along
>The sun had just started creeping up into the sky, the air was crisp
>You could hear the birds chirping
>You were tired, and sore, but happy that you were finally starting your little journey
>Trixie was just staring straight ahead, lost in thought
>It wasn't until you had been on the road for around an hour that she finally spoke
>"Anonymous?"
"Yes?"
>The mare looked over at you, then back toward the road
>"Trixie would like to thank you. With this. She hadn't realized what state her wagon was in. I had let it, and myself, go. I suppose a stallion's touch was needed for me to see the error of her ways."

>You couldn't help but smile
>Freakish monster or not, there was still a pony somewhere in this Trixie
>And ponies, as everyone knew, were pretty easy to nudge back onto a better path
>They just needed some care and friendship, then they'd stop being deranged, evil fucks and start being ponies again
>At least had been the case...
>Before whatever had fucked up the last Equestria had turned everyone into shadows of themselves
>That hadn't happened here yet, and you meant to keep it that why if you could
>Reaching over, you placed a hand on her shoulder
"We still got some work to do, but this is a good start, huh?"
>Trixie smiled, nodding as she spurred the wagon to go a little faster
>"Trixie supposes so. So, how are we going to find this Starlight Glimmer?"
"She won't be too hard to find. If I'm right, and I'm pretty sure I'm right, she built herself a little town not too far from Manehatten."
>"That is a considerable distance. A week away at least."
"I'm in no hurry. Besides, we need to adjust your act a bit for her."
>"Adjust her act? Trixie assures you that her act is PERFECT."
"Not yet it's not," you said, leaning back as the mare glared at you. "What we're dealing with is a very powerful unicorn. She might almost be as powerful as one of the princesses. We have to be a bit careful here."
>Trixie's glare disappeared, replaced with a look of worry
>"And you're sure it'll be safe?"
"Pretty sure. Starlight is strong magically, but she isn't the brightest. She's got a lot of the traits and quirks of your usual dictator. What we need to do is outsmart and unbalance her."
>"And you can do this?"

>You, in fact, didn't know if you could do this
>This was Poochie you were talking about
>Not just average, annoying Poochie either
>This was the Poochie that could rip a cutiemark off a pony, and thought doing so was a good idea
>A powerful control freak that hated change more than you hated feet
>Lord knows what she'd do when you got there
"Yep, I'm sure. This just needs a stallion's touch."
>Your answer seemed to calm Trixie a bit, her smile returning
"First though, we'll need to make a quick stop."
>"Oh? Where?"
"A place you don't care very much for."
>"...And that place is?"
"Ponyville."
>The glare returned, along with a frown so deep that you swore it left her face
"Just for a bit," you promised. "I need to take care of something very important before we go up north."
>"You know, Trixie can't help but wonder why in Equestria a tax services agent was sent to save the world, much less a tax services agent that was also a stallion."
>You reached into your pocket, pulling out a pair of glasses that you had bought from the market the other day
>They were a size too small, but you liked to think they got your point across as you put them on
"Because I'm damn good at my job, that's why. Now put this thing into cruise mode. I don't want to fall off this thing if we hit a pothole."
>"Trixie doesn't know what that is. You weirdo."
"Good."