An anonymous post this green at
https://boards.4channel.org/mlp/thread/36588103#p36588333
I am not the author.
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>It's hard, Anon. Watching them die like that.
>I don't know how the others do it.
>They tell me that I've just got to hold my head high.
>That death's just a part of life.
>That 'it gets easier.'
>But I'm scared, because honestly, it hasn't been getting any easier.
>The ponies I treat in the terminal ward are suffering every minute of their lives, and there's nothing that can make it any better.
>So the world has given up on them, and in their eyes, I can see they know it.
>Some of them ask me to just end it. Spare them the trouble of this miserable existence.
>It breaks my heart knowing I can't.
>Sometimes, I'm tempted. Tempted to show them one small mercy that nopony has ever bothered to offer them.
>But I know I'd just lose my job, and what good would that do?
>So I just hold their hoof and tell them to hang on a little longer, knowing full well how empty those words are.
>It doesn't comfort them. They know and I know there's no hope left for them. It's just a matter of running out the clock.
>The other nurses see me after a shift, and they ask me, "Why don't you request a transfer out of that hole?"
>Don't get me wrong. I want to. I really want to.
>I hate it here, Anon. I can't stand it.
>But I can't leave them behind.
>Some of those ponies... they don't have anyone.
>Can you imagine it? Day in, day out, hours upon hours of lying in bed alone, nothing to do but watch yourself slowly waste away?
>If I don't take the time to sit by their side, no one else will.
>The other nurses in the ward sure don't.
>Maybe that's why they can cope. They don't let themselves get attached.
>But is that fair, to let ponies die without a single soul out there to miss them when they're gone?
>I know it's just going to keep eating me away, but I don't want to live in a world like that.
>A world where it's so easy to die unloved.
>Every day, when I wake up, I tell myself to suck it up and put on a brave face.
>Because if I'm not there, they'll notice.
>I guess, in the end, that's why I do it. I became a nurse to help ponies, and they feel better having me around, no matter how small a comfort it is.
>So, yeah, I smile, I crack jokes with the patients, I tell them how handsome they're looking today, and even though they know it's a facade, it really does make them feel better.
>That way it's not totally miserable when they die.
>...
>...not for them, at least.
>I know what you're thinking, Anon. I've heard it all before.
>'No matter how much good you think you're doing, it's only going to hurt you twice as much in the long run.'
>Maybe you and the others are right.
>But I'm not going to stop.
>Because I think, deep down...
>I'm afraid of that being me.
>I—
>I'm scared to die alone, Anon.
>I don't dare let them go without feeling like somepony cared about them, because when I look at those ponies, I see myself.
>Do you know how terrifying it is to see your face in the reflection of death?
>I pray that by not letting them suffer that fate, I can stop it from happening to me.
>And that's nonsense.
>The truth is, there's nothing I can do.
>This job just chews me up and spits me out. It's hard making friends, I can't keep a relationship...
>It's turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and every day it gets a little harder.
>I don't know how much longer I can take it.
>So I know it's stupid, and I know it's probably not the best idea, but tonight...
>Would you lie here with me? Hold me, and just tell me everything is going to be okay?
>I know what I just said, about how no one can ever know that for sure.
>But, if it came from you...
>I think...
>I think I might actually believe it.
>...