"Where is the artifact!?"
>"P-please! I'm just-"
"You are a traitor to the Crown!"
>"No! I swear!"
"Guard! Take her to the tub while I grab the scrub brush."
>"Nooooooooo!"
>Half an hour of scrubbing and begging later, you step away from the despondent mare.
>"Please...no more, sir. My coat is already clean, and so is my mane...I'll tell you what you want to know, just let me out. Please?"
>You finish rinsing the conditioner out of her coat and give her plot a satisfying smack.
"Great!" You exclaim. "Where is the artifact?"
>"I sold it to a jeweler. In Manehattan."
"Which one?"
>"I-I don't remember-"
"Don't test me, pony."
>"I don't though!"
>Well, I guess we'll have to jog your memory." You sigh, picking up a hoof brush "Guard, hand me the hoof polish, please."
>"N-no! Not my hooves! Please, I can remember! Just give me a minute!"
"You have until I finish loading up this polishing rag."
...
...
...
"Times up!"
>Picking up the brush again, you seize a hoof and begin scrubbing it clean as the dejected mare sobs quietly on the table.

"So let's try this again..."
>"I remember a few things...please, no more."
"Go on."
>"Its on Stirrup Street, with a green awning and gold lettering."
"What did the sales pony look like?"
>"An older stallion, with a brown coat and grey mane...he had a mustache."
"We may not have to tickle you after all." You hum approvingly. "You. Call the Manehattan bureau and get them on this."
>Clipping a leash onto the mare's collar, you release her other restraints.
>Lifting her off the table, you set her on her hooves and jerk the leash lightly.
"Let's get you back to your cell."
>"But I already told you everything!"
"And once we verify that, you'll be free to go!" You quip cheerfully. 
>With a dejected whine, the mare puts one hoof in front of the other, slowly following you down the hall.

"Sir, we confirmed the jeweler in question. She told the truth." The batpony reports. "He removed the pieces from their ornamental settings and sold them to a local seamstress."
"Annnnd?"
>"She is in interrogation room B, waiting for you, Sir."
"Good work. Release the thief, but keep a tail on her. We may need her back."
>Exiting your office, you stroll through the compound and out into the prison proper.
>Past all the cells, and into a secure wing, where you stop at a room marked with a large B.
>Inside sits a terrified looking cream mare with a teal bob haircut, handcuffed to a chair.
"My name is Anonymous, I report directly to Princesses Celestia and Luna." You say. "And who, my dear, are you?"
>"Coco. Coco Pommel."
>Leafing through the brief delivered to your office by the lieutenant, you see a spotless record and little of note.
>A perfect unwitting fence.
"Well Miss Pommel, it seems you've been caught up in quite the scheme. Tell me what I need to know, and you'll be out of here in no time..." you say, taking a brush off the wall and laying it on the table. "But rest assured, the Crown always gets their mare."
>Several hours later, you are sitting at your desk.
>Lieutenant Ebonshield of the Night Watch is across your desk from you.
"Her name is Rarity." You tell her "Coco said she's a friend, a fellow fashionista of sorts. She sold this mare the gems for some special project she's working on. Find her."
>"At once, majordomo." The shadowy mare says, rising to her hooves. "Should I...?"
"Just bring her in, no need for that." You say, shaking your head. "You can sit in on the interrogation if you'd like."
>The batpony smiles and walks out the door.
>First that kinky tailor from Manehattan positively mewls as you brush her coat and mane.
>And now one of your operatives is getting a little too excited about her job.
>That reminds you though...
>Picking up the phone, you call maintenance. 
"Yeah, I need a cleanup in Interrogation B." You say "Bring bleach, its bodily fluids."

Two days later, you are walking beside Lieutenant Ebonshield into the Interrogation Wing.
"I had to take certain measures, majordomo. I hope you will understand." she says, brushing against you as she steps up to the door.
"You're my top mare, Eb, I'm sure it's fine. But what did you do?" you ask as she unlocks Interrogation E.
>"Well sir, she is what you might call a whiner." she explains, pushing the heavy door open.
>Inside, a pristine white mare with a violet mane stares across the table at you with angry sapphire eyes.
>Her snout is muzzled, preventing the aforementioned whining.
"I see." you say, stepping into the room. "Miss Rarity, Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste."
>Ebonshield smiles and takes a position slightly behind the furious fashionista.
"Now, please tell me -or just nod yes or no, in this case- did you recently purchase some gems from your friend Coco Pommel?"
>Her eyes widen slightly at the mention of her friend, but she refuses to do anything but glare at you.
"Please, just nod yes or no."
>Nothing.
"Last chance."
>More glaring.
"As you wish. Ebonshield, you're up."
>Stepping out of the room, you go to the guard house and get two cups of coffee.
>Upon your return, Rarity is tied spread eagle on the table, tears streaming down her face as she struggles against her bindings.
>Ebonshield holds a long feather in her mouth, and looks up at you as you enter.
"Don't stop for me."
>She lowers the feather back onto Rarity's sensitive belly as you set the coffee down.
>Taking a sip, you savor the hysterical cries of the once uncooperative mare.
>She'll break soon enough.
>Celestia help you, you love your job.

>A soaking wet Rarity sits in the tub.
>She has been tickled for hours, until she collapsed in a heaving mess.
>You even removed the muzzle.
>She didn't whine, a stern glare from your trusty Lieutenant made sure of that.
>Now you have her good and rinsed down, and she looks to be on the verge of tears again.
"Miss Rarity, I don't want to do this. Just tell me what you're making and who it's for."
>"I cannot. I CANNOT!" she shouts before dropping her head in despair.
"Rarity, look at me." you instruct.
>Slowly, she complies.
>You pull out a bottle and squeeze the soapy contents into your hand.
>"You...you wouldn't. I'm-I'm an Element of Harmony! You mustn't...you can't possibly..."
"Yes Rarity, all in one coat and mane shampoo, with conditioner "
>Flipping your hand, you dump the multipurpose soap onto her back and begin to rub it in.
>"Noooo-hoooo-hoooo...please, I beg you! No more! No more! Not my cooooooat! Pleeeeeeeaaaase stoooop-"

>Rinsing the lather out of her coat, you place a series of bottles from her home on the table nearby.
"You see those, Rarity?"
>She nods.
"You can have this shower and all of those to yourself for the next two hours...but you have to give me something to work with. Who commissioned the work? What is it?"
>"But-but sir, I really don't know what it is!" she pleads "I'm just following the diagrams I was given!"
>Ahhh.
"Oh? And who gives you these diagrams? And where are they?"
>She bites her lip.
>Her eyes flit between you and her precious menagerie of bath products.
"Rarity, tell me."
>"Somepony new delivers them every time...they're wrapped in the roll of leftover Hearthswarming fabric."
>It's a start. 
"Good girl, Rarity." you say slowly before nodding to your assistant. "I wish you'd have given us more, but we can talk again tomorrow."
>The already white mare somehow grows even paler.
"Unlock her shackles and reduce the horn restrictor enough to levitate those." you instruct the guard, gesturing to the bottles on the table. "Leave her to her bath, then collect her in two hours."
>The guard moves to release her as you get to your feet at head out the door.
"See you tomorrow, Miss Rarity."

>"Sir, these schematics were found in the fabric, just as Rarity said."
"They appear very technical." you ponder aloud, looking them over "opinions from the brain trust in Canterlot?"
>"Haven't heard back yet."
"Oh well, time to get some more answers." you sigh "Drag Rarity back to Interrogation."
>"Yes, sir."

"Now Rarity, I think you're already familiar with this." you say, holding the feather where she can see it. "So let's move onto something similar, but different."
>"S-similar? Please, I'm just a seamstress! I don't know anything!"
"You're an Element of Harmony in possession of the pieces of a powerful magical artifact." you say sternly, before gently bending down to place your face next to her belly.
>"I'm not! I'm a good pony! Pleeeeeease-"
>Inhaling sharply, you plant your lips on her soft belly and blow a tremendous raspberry.
>And again.
>And again.
>The last time you even tickle her ribs at the same time.
>She squirms and strains, pulling against her chains.
>"This- This is- please stop! This is no way- no way to treat a ladyyyyyyyy!"
"I'm going to ask you one more time." you say, wiping your mouth "Who gave you the plans?"
>"Yes, yes, I'll tell you. Just please, no more." she gasps, chest heaving.
"Excellent."

>"Are you absolutely sure about this, Anonymous?"
"Yes Princess. Rarity's confession matched the analysis from the Canterlot Schola as well as the Crystal Empire's Magus Academy."
>"We have walked her dreams, sister. I can confirm that she deeply desires the secrets locked within the artifact, despite your strict prohibition of it." Luna adds.
>"Very well." Celestia sighs "I will summon her."
"We have modified the magic muting chamber per Princess Luna's specifications. We should meet there."

>This is both impressive and terrifying.
>With an alicorn powering the containment field, it has reached levels of damping you could never dream of.
>Of course, you also never dreamed of having the Princess of Friendship as a 'guest' at your site.
>With Luna powering the runic circle holding her to the floor, Twilight has no choice but to look straight up into the disapproving gaze of her mentor and superior.
>"Princess Celestia...what's going on?"
>She smiles nervously.
>Celestia does not.
>"Twilight, my faithful student... did you think that after thousands of years ruling Equestria I would not notice the Locket of Eros went missing?"
>"Well, I, err-"
>"Or that your own Sister-in-Law, the very Princess of LOVE, tasked with guarding such artifacts in her palace, would not notice such a powerful source of lust leaving her realm?"
>"It belongs in a museum!"
>"It belongs locked away, where lonely errant students cannot reach it!"
>Luna watches this all with an almost bored expression.
>Beside you, Ebonshield's tail is almost imperceptibly lifted.
>You...are not sure what you feel.
>"Anonymous. Hand me the feather."
"Yes, Princess."
>"What are you going to...nononononoOOOOooooOOooo!"

>You are Anonymous, and you've done many things in the service of the Crown, but this will be a first for your facility.

>First Celestia had tickled Twilight.
>Using the feather, her hooves, her mane....then summoning you forth to use your fingers and then to blow raspberries on the princess' royal tummy.
>There are horny colts writing fanfiction about the things you've now done to Twilight Sparkle.
>Of course, it didn't end there.
>An extended bath, followed by brushing and hoof polishing.
>Oh, and horn polishing.
>That lead to Princess Twilight making quite the mess.
>She had to be washed all over again after that.
>Whining and pleading and apologizing the entire time, of course.
>And now...now Celestia has a paddle in her magical grasp, with Princess Twilight pulled into a most undignified position, tail thrown over her back and plot so high her hooves barely touch the floor.
>"Twilight Sparkle, you are going to learn a lesson tonight." the towering ivory alicorn says as the wooden paddle crashes into the purple mare's backside.
>"No! No no no! Please! Princess,  you can't! Please!"
>"I can, and I will, Twilight."
>She reinforces this fact with another thunderous slap of the paddle.
>"How many times did I tell you not to look for that artifact?"
>"I don't know...maybe three?"
>WHACK
>"Dozens of times, Twilight."
>WHACK
>"Dozens."
>"Ow ow ow ow owwwww!" she wails "I'm sooooorry! I won't do it again, I promise!"
>"I know you won't, because I'm going to make sure you never forget this night." 
>As the true beating proceeds, you take stock of your companions again.
>Princess Celestia wears a face of grim determination.
>Princess Luna looks smugly satisfied.
>Princess Twilight...well, she's a sobbing mess on one end and a cherry-red mess on the other.
>And Ebonshield...
>...Eb isn't even trying to hide the fact that she's flagging right now.
>It is pretty hot, after all.

>In the morning, you sit in the Officer's Mess with Ebonshield and three Princesses.
>You don't know when exactly the punishment ended, as you and Ebonshield were dismissed by Princess Luna about an hour into the beating.
>It must have been a long night, as the fur on Princess Twilight's face is still matted, and she's sitting on a magically conjured ice block.
>Not that you went straight to bed...you still had an overexcited batpony lieutenant to deal with.
>And dealt with it you did.
>You could really use some ice for your core right now...
>But instead , the five of you sit in silence, eating a wonderful breakfast surrounded by almost tangible awkwardness.
>"Well, this has been lovely." Celestia says, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. "But I think it is time that we take out leave."
>"Yes, thank you for your assistance in this matter, Anonymous." Luna agrees "You as well, Lieutenant."
>Twilight just looks like she's ready to die of embarrassment. 
>"I trust that what has happened here will stay here." Celestia says levelly, looking first you and then Ebonshield in the eye.
"Of course, Princess. Anything for the Crown."
>"Secrecy is our specialty." Ebonshield adds.
>"Very good." Luna nods matter-of-factly. "I need to rest, farewell then."
>With that, the Princess of the Moon rises, and disapparates in front of you.
>"I believe that we, too, shall go." Celestia says, picking up a leash and clipping it to Twilight's collar. "Come along, Twilight, there is much you have yet to learn today."
>Hanging her head low and avoiding eye contact, the Princess of Friendship sulks after the Princess of the Sun, encouraged along by gentle tugs here and there.
>With a sigh, Ebonshield lays her head in your lap and you gently rub her neck.
"That was certainly something."
>"Yes sir, but it certainly kept us busy."
"I don't think we need help keeping busy."
>"Of course, sir."
.
And so concludes the Mystery of the Missing Artifact brought to you by Their Majesties Celestia and Luna, Hasbro and the PATRIOT Act.
.