Originally Published January 25th, 2013

>Day “I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S NOT THE HUNGER GAMES!” in Equestria.
>You are the greatest drummer who has ever lived…
>…’s companion Smudgey.
>It has been about…5? Hours since everyone bolted into the fields and away from the office table.
>You and Neil Peart are currently about 6 feet underground.
>NO YOU’RE NOT DEAD! Honestly, do you know how weak it would be if we started off the story with you being dead?
>Just kidding, Raritan.
>A couple hours ago, you and Neil decided to scope out the area to find a way to abandon…
>…get everybody away from Flutternutter because you were a good dog like that.
>So using your amazing digging powers (‘cuz you’re a Diamond Dog), you managed to find massive steel walls under the field, which would prevent any underground escape.
>Neil (using his amazing Neil powers) found a sonic-shield that sealed off the sky like a lid.
> Or a condom; whichever analogy suits you more.


>So you and Neil decided to dig out a small cave, hoping to ride out the “Game” underground and wait for everyone else to be eliminated.
…What band were you in again?
>NP: ”Rush. You know: ‘Limelight’, ‘Roll the Bones’, ‘Caravan’?”
Wait…did you guys write ‘Fucking an Animal’?! I loved that song!
> NP: ”…That was GWAR.” The slightest hint of disappointment colors his voice.
>FS: ”Did somebody say fucking?!”
>Your testicles ascend to the Kangshung Glacier at the horrid sound of her voice.
RUN NEIL!
>Metal panels slide into place, sealing off the cave like a safe.
>Or a condom; whichever analogy suits you more.


>FS: “I’m so glad I found the two of you! I was going to start with Disc and Slashy, but Slashy runs pretty fast when he thinks Twilight is chasing after him.”
>Normally, you would be listening to her like the polite little Diamond Dog your mother raised you to be.
>But right now, Neil is busy teaching you how to play “YYZ” as a means to escape the hellbox you are inside of.
>FS: “SILENCE NEIL! Now is not the time for a drum lesson!” Her voice is oozing out of the speakers in the walls, thickened by the venom in her speech.
>NP: “Well forgive us if we don’t want to get ‘cleaned’, Miss.” Neil turns back to you and begins to show you how to play the chorus.
>FS: ”P-purging you of your p-past will be good for both of us: You’ll live and I’ll get your sweet Canadian Love Sausage.”
>Two holes open up in the ceiling as she talks, and two objects, shrouded in blankets, are lowered onto the floor.
>FS: “You h-have a simple choice: abandon the obsessions you once clung to,” the blankets are lifted off of the platforms ”or die.”
>There’s a plate of spaghetti sitting under the blanket on the left.
Obsession? Welp Flutterpsycho, you need to improve your stalker skills; I have a severe allergy to gluten! I couldn’t eat that pasta even if I wanted too!
>You begin to laugh heartily and turn towards Neil, expecting him to be laughing at the gravy-less poutine Fluttershy had no doubt presented to him.
>But Neil is just standing there, a thousand yard stare glazed over his eyes.
>There was no poutine on his platform.


>Instead, there stood [pic related].
>You can almost see the drumsticks on his flank begin to quiver.
Neil…
>NP: “Smudgey…you’re going to have to go on without me.”
>Wat.
C’mon Neil, it’s just a drum set.
>Neil sighs and turns to you, hat in wing and eyes slightly watering.
>NP: “It’s been an honor to be in your company Smudgey, but I’m afraid I can’t accompany you any further.”
>He passes his hat to you and flies over behind the bass drums.
>The floor opens up beneath the platform, letting loose a massive gust of hot air and a dim red glow.
>NP: “Good luck.” Neil begins to beat out a funeral march as he sinks below the floor and you tunnel your way out of the now opened metal box.
> Neil’s screams reach your ears as you break the surface of the ground, and a metallic *clang*silences his drums.
>Staring up at the moon, you put on his hat and then run off to find a new hiding place.


>Somewhere above it all, Flutter-jerkass was sitting in the control booth giggling to herself.
>FS:  ”He was right: this IS fun!”
>Turning to her fucking-magnet--how-does-it-work- board, she removes a drumstick magnet and sets it in a nearby trashcan.
>FS:  ”One down, six to go.”
>It was an amazing feeling for her to have this much power; she was like a puppeteer, and the Teams below were like her marionettes.
>Or a condom; whichever analogy suits you more.
(R.I.P. Neil Peart. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KItsYhjAW-c )