Originally Published June 6th, 2014

>Day You were only 19 years old in Equestria
>You loved Shrek so much, You had all the merchandise and movies
>You prayed to shrek every night before bed, thanking him for the life you’ve been given
“Shrek is love” You say. “Shrek is life”
>Twilight hears you and calls you a faggot
>You knew she was just jealous of your devotion for Shrek
>You call her a cunt
>She calls Spike to slap you and sends you to go to sleep
>You’re crying now, and your face barely hurts
>A warmth is moving towards you
>You feel something touch your leg
>Its shrek
>You’re so happy
>He whispers in to ear. “this is my swamp”
>”…If that’s okay with you”
Oh for fucks sake….
 
>You sit up, throwing the blankets aside in frustration.
Fluttershy, If you’re not going to put any effort into this, then why are you even here?
>She pulls a script out from under her wing. ”Umm… to fill you with my oniony seed?”
>You facepalm with the force of three Gabens/ft^2
Twilight, please explain why we’re all here, would you?
>Twilight comes up the stairs, halfway made up as Dragon.
>”I’m afraid I don’t know why we’re doing this either.”
>The nerve of these ponies…
Like I told you before, I have insomnia.
>They stare at you, heads tilted from stupidity.
So we’re doing this to help me sleep?
>Twilight ruffles through her script.
>”I’m sorry Anon, but I don’t see how acting out this rape fantasy is going to help you sleep.”
Well that’s because you’re full of dreck. KEEP PERFORMING!
>The two sigh as Twi heads back down to make up and Fluttershy goes back to scaring the bounty hunters.
>Thankfully, Rarity and Spike’s performances as Lord Farquaad and Fionna managed to save the production.
>You fell into the deepest, soundest sleep you’ve ever had.
>In fact, it was such a deep sleep that you fell into a minor coma.
 
 
>You open your eyes to a sea of white.
>Well, it’s not white, really.
>More a shade of off-white.
>Like a really, really, really, really, pale shade of green.
>You swear you’ve seen this color before, but you can’t quite remember where.
>Tired of floating, you peel off your shoe and throw it.
>Thankfully the void is frictionless, and you float off away from your shoe.
>Day 1: As you float on, you begin to start focusing on sharpening your mind.
>Day 1 ½: You’ve given up on the quest for enlightenment.
>Day 6: You threw your other shoe to gain speed.
>Day 10: You dropped a deuce to see if you would elevate. You did.
>Day 14: At least, you think you raised up a little. Better try again to make sure.
>Day 98: You’ve lost all track of time as dank brown logs start whizzing around you.
>Day 5: The void knows your secrets…you can feel it.
>Day 7777777777: 7
>Day 394: You hear howling in the distance.
>Day 2: Turns out it was your shoe hitting your ear.
>Day 99: You can see tall, thin columns off in the distance.
>Day 122: They’re closer now, but you’re losing speed….somehow.
>Day 34: Ropes of jizm trail off behind you as you try to increase your speed. It works.
>Day 2222: You’ve reached the columns.
>As you move towards the front of the structure, you can see it’s almost as wide as tall and that there are words at the very top.
>You squint, and can just barely make them out.
…What the fuck is a “4chan”?
 
 
 
>As you read the header, the memories come flooding back to you.
NO!
>YES! They surge back with tremendous speed….the OP who put his dick in the skull, the rodge-
FUCK OFF!
>MAKE ME!
>You curl into a ball as /mlp/ uploads to your memory banks, paralyzing you with its odd mix of feels, jokes, pastas, and mind rapes
>Footsteps come to a halt near your huddled form.
>You look up only to see…him.
>The glorious one.
>m00t.
>”You okay?”
>His glorious voice silences the demons in your mind.
>You stand up shakily, taking his glorious hand.
>”Let me guess: You’re here because you tried to act out ‘Shrek is love’?”
H-how did you-
>”You aren’t the first person to try re-enacting stupid shit they read online.”
>He gloriously gestures to the list of boards.
>”Come. Let’s walk.”
>As you walk, you tell him about how you ended up in 4chan.
>He gloriously nods his glorious head, as if in glorious thought.
>Glorious.
>”It sounds to me like you’re here for one of two reasons:”
>”One: You were brought here in order to move past some obstacle in your life. Or…”
>GAZEINTENSIFES.JPG
>”You’re here for loli.”
 
Ummm…I’m pretty sure I’m here for that first one.
>You can see a look of slight disappointment in his face.
>”Oh. Okay.”
>He shuffles over to the /mlp/ link and clicks it.
>Quickly scrolling down the page, he finds the thread he’s looking for.
>Flutterrape.
What are we doing here?
>He turns to face you, “Well the way I see it, you’re here because you’ve got a mental block.”
>He knocks on your head to demonstrate his point.
>”Stuff comes in, but nothing comes out. So…”
>He tosses you a keyboard and plugs the cable into the ‘reply’ button.
>”…The only way for you to go home is to write your way out. No matter how bad it is.”
>You look down at the keyboard.
Are you sure? Times have changed. I mean, I haven’t written anything in almost a year!
>m00t places his hands on your shoulders.
>”Trust me…But if you are here for loli, it’ll just be a quick dip into the archives and-”
I don’t want any loli.
>”Fine fine. Good luck.”
>m00t disappears in a shower of golden water.
>At least, that’s what you hope it is.
>You stare down the keyboard for a good hour before finally starting to type.
> “Day You were only 19 years old in Equestria”….
 
 
>beep….
>beep….
>beep….
>Are…are you beeping?
>beep….
>Dick.
fuggoff
>”Anon?!”
>Your eyes start to shyly flutter open, and you can see a colorful blob sitting next to you.
Whozat?
>The blurriness goes away as your eyes, unfocused from disuse, begin to make things clearer.
Twilight?
>”No Anon, it’s me! Spike!”
>Goddamnit.
>You struggle to give him your traditional whuppin’, but he holds you back down.
>”Easy Anon. You’ve been asleep for a few weeks now. The doctors don’t want you straining yourself.”
Spike? Where is everyone?
>”Well that’s kinda an open-ended question. Who knows where every given pony could be right n-”
>You try to pinch the bridge of your nose, but your fingers end up by your neck instead.
No, smartass. Why aren’t the girls here?
>Spike gives a cheeky grin,  “That’s more like it!”
>Asshole.
>”Well, after your play, they decided that it would be best to ignore you for a while.”
Figures….how’d I get here though?
>You can see a blush on his face.
…Spike?
>”Well,” he starts rubbing the back of his head,”Fluttershy said she needed my help with something at your house…”
>Please no.
>”And when I got to your room, she set me on the bed…”
>Please dear god no.
>”And told me I couldn’t leave until I had sex with you. Then she went out and locked the door.”
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>”And that’s when I noticed your breathing was really shallow. So I snuck out the window and brought you here.”
>ohthankgod
Well, thanks Spike…I guess.
>As you flail at hugging your savior, you realize that for once, you weren’t almost killed by
>Fucking Fluttershy.