Originally Published February 26th, 2018

>Day of Objections in Equestria
>Be Anonymous
"I'm 28, and I do odd jobs around Ponyville."
>"Thank you Anonymous. Anonymous, would you say that you are a good person?"
>George, the Griffin, does a slight twirl towards the jury as he says this.
"I'd like to think so, sure."
>You try hiding your nervousness as you turn towards the defense's desk thing.
>Sitting there is your co-defendant, Spike, his red bowtie drenched in sweat.
>And sitting there as well is your lawyer, Fluttershy.
>"Well then, Anon, if you're the good person you claim to be then why are you sitting in this courtroom?!"
>The whole courtroom gasps, and several jurors faint
>Mayor Mare clamors for order as she tries to get her courtroom back under control.
>You stay cool though, ignoring the theatrics going on around you
"I'm sitting here because I was accused of a crime I did not commit."
>George turns back to you
>"Oh of course Mr. Nymous, but I would like it to be known to the court that the first step to admittance..."
>A hush falls over the court as George freezes in place.
>"...IS DENIAL!!" This concludes my opening statement, Your Honor.
>Your eyes threaten to roll out of their sockets when you catch more jurors fainting, one of them clutching his chest as he goes down.
>Fucking great, you think bitterly. This will do wonders for your case.
>The Mayor is forced to call a brief recess to get things back under control.
>You, your damp dragon "accomplice", and your lawyer are escorted to a waiting room while everything settles down.


>"W-w-w-we're not gonna go to jail, are we Anon?"
"Of course not, little man," you reassure him. "We're gonna be just fine."
>You both turn to look at Fluttershy, who throws her forelegs up to hide her face when she catches you staring at her.
>Unfortunately, she happened to be holding her case notes at the time, and ending up flinging them across the room.
"Juuuust fine."
>"Oh Celestia I'm not made for prison, Anon! I have a very addictive personality and give in to social pressure easily. I don't want to be somebody's bitch!"
>"It's okay, Spike. I'll make sure the both of you get off just fine~~."
>She says the last part with a wink.
>Eugh.
>You've tried getting Fluttershy replaced as your lawyer in the days leading up to the trial, even offering to defend yourself.
>Sadly, the court didn't accept your collection of Ace Attorney fanfiction as valid legal experience.
>Nor did they think her cocklust for you would represent a conflict of interest.
>Plus, Nutterbutter was the only Public Defender willing to take your case, as everyone else considered your "crime" a gross mockery to their values.
>All you know is that you were charged with "grand larceny", but you haven't the foggiest idea what your accuser thinks you've stolen.
>An accuser you don't even know yet, thanks how to the law works here.
>Sure, when you first got here you may have nabbed a cake or two to keep yourself from starving, but you paid them back in full once you got settled.
>So what could it b-
>You feel a tap on your shoulder from the security guard
>"Defense, please proceed back to the courtroom."
"Welp, lets get this over with."
>The three of you walk back to your corner, with Flutterfingers chasing after a stray piece of paper that floated away from her notes.
>A profound feeling of being fucked washes over you

>The courtroom has finally gotten back under control, and Mayor Mare is staring at the three of you
>"Where were we again...Ah, yes! The Prosecution delivered their opening statement. Defense, do you have a rebuttal?"
>You quickly stand
Your Honor, this is all just a misunderst-
>The Mayor grabs her gavel and shakingly points it at you
>"NOT YOU YOU FILTHY LIAR YOUR ATTORNEY", she shrieks in a mix of rage and fear
>'What the fuck is wrong with the legal system here?', you think as you sit back down and Flutters heads before the judge
>"T-thank you, Your Honor."
>"Fillies and Gentlecolts, my dear, sweet, beloved Anonymous couldn't possibly have committed the crimes you accuse him of! He's entirely dependent on my love to survive! I have to check in on him every morning to make sure he's still alive, a-"
>She drones on for what feels like hours about how she "cares" for you, and you can feel your anger grow as she goes on.
>"...and then we'll be buried in my family's plot, thank you."
>She comes back to the desk and sits down besides Spike.
>"O-oh, and Spike is also in-"
>"-In big trouble with the law, yes we know" the Mayor interjects; "George, please call the Plaintiff to the stand."
>"With pleasure," George cooed as he began spinning in place
>Like a ton of bricks being your fetish, the realization that this twirling retard will decide your fate hits you hard in all the wrong ways.
>"...The Prosecution calls Applejack to the stand, Your Honor."
>OrangeSerious made her way to the stand, shooting you and Spike a disappointed look as she moved across the room.
>You are confused; what could you have possibly larcened, larcenied...stoleded from AJ?
>The only thing she owned worth more than a handful of bits was her hat, which was firmly planted on her head.
>Everything else was too big or heavy to move by hand.
>"Now, Ms. Lejack, would you please state your name and occupation?"
>"Name's Applejack, and Ahm a farmer by trade."
>"MMMMMMMMMhmmmMM. Now, how do you know the Defen-SQAK"
>A lasso flies out from the witness stand and closes George's beak on his tongue
Thank fucking god.
>"Now look here Mr Law-Feathers," Aj drawled, "Ahm not here to waste time on what don't matter. Anonymous there stole a new type of carrot Ah was growing, and Ah have photo proof of it."
>She tosses a video tape to the Bailiff as she says this, and he places the tape into the nearby VCR player.
>The video shows what looks like a quiet night on the farm.
>"Skip ahead, it's near midnight when he stole it."
>Skipping ahead, the Bailiff finds the scene in question.
>On the projector screen, you see a bipedal figure lumber into the frame, grab some carrots, and walk away.
>"Anonymous!" Fluttershy and Spike exclaim in shock
>The courtroom erupts into a frenzy once more
>AJ starts menacingly twirling a lasso towards you, but she gets shut down by the Bailiff.
>You're stuck staring at the screen, and only one thought is coming to mind:
>These ponies are fucking retarded

"You ponies are fucking retarded."
>"Anonymous, I will have no swearing in my courtroom."
No, fuck you, that is not me on that tape.
>George managed to free himself during th clamor
>"Do you mean to thay that thith video ith a forgery?"
No, AJ wouldn't stoop to doing that. But that is not me on that tape.
>"B-but Anon, i-it is you! P-plain as d-EEP!"
>You shoot a glare at Fluttershy, walk towards the screen, and jab at the figure on the screen
This is a fucking gorilla, you dumbasses.
>The courtroom goes silent for an uncomfortably long time, looking at you, then the gorilla
>Then at the gorilla, then at you
>"Huh. Well, Anonymous, Ah guess that was mah mistake. You two do look like twins though."
>You're about as pale as green milk on green snow, but you decide not to risk your victory by chimping out.
"Thank you. Does this mean Spike and I are free to go?"
>"You? Yes. Spike? No. We have to fill our quota this month. I hereby sentence him to 10 years, with a chance of parole after 115 months. This court is now adjourned."
>As the gavel bangs the case to a close, everypony comes up to congratulate you and shake your hand
>Spike makes a break for it while everyone is distracted, and gets about 5 feet away before being tased.
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAH"
Spike! Hey man, that's not co-
>Your path towards him is blocked by AJ, her hat in her hoof
>"Say Anon, hows about Ah make this up to you over dinner? Ah feel awful bad about all this, and Ah'd do *anything* to make it up to ya."
>She flutters her eyes in that awkward farmgirl fashion
>Eh. You'll send him a cake with a file in it once he gets committed.
>Today was a turnabout kind of day