Originally Published March 29th, 2018

>1-800-490 FREAK in Equestria
>Be Anonymous
>You're in the middle of a delicious meal of Lean Pockets and Big SIPP energy drink
>Trying to ignore the purple equine lecturing you from across the room
>"...therefore, Anonymous, as your Princess I demand you go outside, or at least clean up a bit..."
>She regally puffs out her wings
>Smacking The Leaning Tower of Lean-za to the floor 
>You sigh, broccoli bits falling from your mouth
Twilight, I've told you time and again that I'm not going outside until the girls stop assaulting me.
>"Friends don't assault friends, Anon. They're just being...affectionate."
>Red fills your vision, but you must stay calm
>Take a small gulp of Big SIPP to settle the nerves
You know as well as I do that that's a load of bullshit. What they do is assault, and the only reason you don't punish them is because you're bored.
>Her wings snap back to her sides
>"Bored? Why would I be bored, Anon? I'm the Princess of my own kingdom! A noble task bestowed on me by Princess Celestia!"
>Her voice is bubbling with pride
>But there's some uncertainty in there
>Might as well poke at it. maybe she'll leave
Ah right, good ol' Celestia. Carved out a small chunk of Equestria for you to watch over out of the kindness of her heart.
>"Your point being?"
My point being that least Sunbutt actually does things, Twi. Hell, let's add Luna in there too! On top of moving CELESTIAL BODIES LIKE NOTHING, Sunbutt maintains a network of diplomatic relationships that keeps the land safe, and Tinybutt is the head of the armed forces.
Hell, even Cadence does more than you!
>Her eye starts twitching
>"M-my duties as Princess are no less important than theirs, Anon."
You oversee some 40-odd ponies and give them band-aids for their feefees.
>Her hoof stomps into the ground
>"I SAVED THE WORLD. TWICE."
>You slam your hand to the table
YOU NEEDED HELP TO DO IT. BOTH. TIMES.
>"AT LEAST I HAVE FRIENDS TO HELP ME, ANON!"
AT LEAST MY FRIENDS WOULD TELL ME IF I SMELLED LIKE PLAY-DOH.

>The room goes silent
>Aside from the grinding noise of Twilight's teeth
Exactly. Now would you please leave? My veggie tendies are almost done cooking.
>Twilight's wings puff out with a poof
>As does the rest of her fur
>Like a big, fluffy, pissed-off grape
Twilight?
>"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>You clamp your hands around your ears
GAH!
>Sparks fly as her horn starts charging up
>"EEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>Her aura covers her and lifts her from the floor
>Some kind of liquid is coming from your ear
STOP IT ALREADY.
>"EEEEEEEEE"
>Snaking through the air, her aura begins to move towards you
>You try to get out of the way, but your Big SIPP can trips you to the floor
>You can feel her aura wrap around you
>Then blackness
- - -
>A few moments later, the color begins returning to your eyes
>Your ears hurt, and your throat feels raw
>Rubbing your head with a hoof, you look around for any sign of Twilight
>She's gone.
>"Finally..."
>Wait
>What the fuck happened to your voice?
>And whose hoof is this!?
>You hear another voice hit your ears
Ha! This is just like in one of my books!
>Your voice
I'm going to prove to you that you have nothing to fear from going outside, Anon! Then we'll see whose life is the "boring" one!
>Oh god
>The crazy bitch freaky friday'd you

>You try to get over to her, but horse legs are hard to operate
>So you fall facedown into the remains of your Lean Pocket
>"Change us back, now."
>Y-She grins at you, smugly
No can do, Anon. The spell only wears off when you realize I'm right and you're wrong.
>"Don't you mean when we learn that both of us have equally distressing lives to dredge through?"
Eh, it's the same thing in this case, really. Only YOU make YOUR own problems.
>You want to fly over and smack her, but you're still struggling just to stand
>Knock-knock-knock
>And now you can't even answer the door
>"Mind answering the door, Twi? I don't get this whole four legs thing yet."
But this is your house, Anon.
>You raise an eyebrow at her
O-oh, right! I'm you and all. 
Just a second!
>Almost as if she's been a biped before, Twilight effortlessly stands up and walks to the door
Oh, good morning, Fluttershy!
>Perfect timing
>"I-is tentacle porn, your fetish, Anon?"
>You can hear a squelching noise on the porch
Wha...oh Celestia!
>"Is that a y-yes?"
No! Get away from me!
>You hear another squelch, and then the door slamming
HELP ME ANON, IT'S TRYING TO UNDO YOUR BELT-BUCKLE!
>"Relax, Twilight! It's just being affectionate!"

>After a mighty ten-minute battle, Twilight manages to heave the octopus out the window
>In the meantime, you got the hang of standing and walking
>Panting, she slides down the wall onto the floor
>"So, ready to admit that I have valid concerns about going outside?"
Pfft! No!
>Shakily, she stands back up
That octopus was just a one-time
>"Some variation of that has happened to me every day since coming to this technicolor hell."
>She holds a finger up in protest
>But then drops it
>Your vision starts to fade as a faint tugging sensation starts at the back of your neck
>-RRRIP-
Oh no, whoops! Your shirt!
>Your sight returns to you
>"What the hell, Twi?! That was my only shirt!"
Then I guess we got to go to Rarity's and get it fixed then, huh?
>Memories of past trips for clothes repairs rush to your mind
>"Ugh. I prefer not being groped, th-"
>Wait a sec.
>You're Twilight, at least till this damn spell wears off.
>You won't be groped at all! Plus you'll get your shirt fixed and Twilight can finally stop being a dick about all this.
>You can barely contain your excitement
>"On second thought, let's go! I need some fresh air, anyway."
>Twilight grins back at you, unaware of what she's walking into
Perfect! I knew you'd see reason eventually, Anon!

>"Let me just lock up first and then we can head out."
>You make a quick tour of the house, making sure all your windows are shut
>Shut off the oven
>Check the mailbox, trashing any unlabeled vibrating boxes
>Which is basically all of your mail these days
>Lock the door, and head off with Twilight
>The sun is warm, and the breeze cool
>The earth is firm, yet springy beneath your hooves
See, Anon? You're so happy to be outside that you're skipping with joy! I think.
>"What?"
>Looking down, your legs are doing an awkward half-pronk, half-shuffle 
>You force yourself back into a canter
>"Maybe. Or maybe I'm just looking forward to you finally leaving me alone."
Ugh.
>Groaning, she shoves her hands into her pockets
-
>DINGLE-DING
>A white blur races past when you open the door to the Boutique
>"OOOPAL COME BACK! MOMMY ISN'T DONE PUTTING ON YOUR BOWS!", comes a cry from upstairs
>The two of you approach the desk in time to see Rarity fumble down the stairs, making a squeak on each impact
>She hits the counter with another squeak and quickly straightens herself up
>"Why heeelloooo, Anonymous~~"
>"And Twilight. Were you interested in browsing my new designs?"
Actually Rarity, I-
>You smack a wing into Twilight's face
>"-I was treating Anon here to a few new shirts, since he ripped this one while helping me organize the library."
>Twi glares at you as she moves your wing out of the way
Yes. That.
>Rarity's eyes turn to hearts for a brief second
>"How thoughtful of you, Anon! Come now, let's get you...fitted~~."
Okay!
>Rarity scoops her up in her aura and bolts up the stairs
>A grinchy grin contorts your face as you leisurely make your way up as well

>Finally up the stairs to marshmallow hell, you peek into the studio
>Rarity is scurrying all over Twilight with a measuring tape
>Crawling like a damn rat over a wheel of cheese
>Sure is taking her sweet time to do the inseam and seat measurements
>You shudder as you remember the last time this happened to your body
>You still find the occasional purple hair in your socks
>"And there we go darling~. The first round of measurements done. Now I just need to find a special tool of mine and I shall be right back!"
>Rarity leaves the room, making a clicking noise at you as she goes
>You take a seat on a stool nearby
>"Soo, how was your fitting?"
>You expect Twilight to look broken when she turns around, but she doesn't
Professional, thorough, and I don't feel assaulted at all!
>"Twi, she was grinding on your leg."
She was trying to make sure the hem was measured correctly.
>"She put her face in your asscrack like four times."
She was double-checking the seat!
>"You're being fitted for a shirt."
I'm sure she knows what she's doing, Anon.
>The door to the studio creaks open as Rarity comes back in
>A speculum is floating lazily beside her with magic
>"Okay my lovely beefcake, I just *need* to check one las-"
>CRASH
NUH
>"MY WINDOW!"
>Twilight is carrying you by the barrel as she sprints away from the Boutique
>"Oh relax, Twi; She's a pro! I'm sure she knew what she was doing."
I do Friendship, Anon. Cadence does proctology. I'm just respecting my sister-in-law's duties.
>"Sure you were.", you state as you stare ahead on the road
>You feel like you've been on this road before
>Back when you had a job
>You even carved your name into one of the signposts on the way home one night
>A signpost you see as you speed past it.
>Oh no
>Please no
>"Twilight, you need to turn around now."

Why should I...oh, I see.
>She slows to a stop.
>"Do you? Do you really?"
Yes. Down at the end of this road is Sweet Apple Acres.
>1
Where Applejack was nice enough to give you a job making deliveries.
>2
And you're afraid I'll get your job back and take you off unemployment.
>2 out of 3
>"Wrong."
>You try to squirm out of her grip
>But Twilight just smirks at your attempt
Nice try, Anon. But I was voted "Easiest to Bully" back in school.
>She ever so slightly tightens her hold, which feels to you like a vicegrip clamping down.
Now let's get you your job back.
-
>The barn looms before the two of you
I'm telling you we need to go now, Twi
>She gives you a little shake
Hush. Now, since AJ is usually cleaning the barn at this time of day, all we need to do is just walk in and say "Hey Applejack, I'm sorry about not showing up to work ever after my first day because I'm a paranoid dumdum."
>Pushing open the door, she carries you inside
>Applejack is busy sweeping the floor with her tail
>"Clean this barn, clean this barn, 1-2-3...play-doh?"
>She stops, sniffing the air, and turns to the two of you
>"Well howdy Anon! Ah ain't seen you in a coon's age you lil' devil. Hi Twilight. What brings you two over?"
>You start to speak, but Twilight clamps a hand over your mouth
>AJ does a nervous swallow
Actually AJ, I was wondering if I could start working for you ag-
>"Y-you can start right now."
>Twilight sets you down and smiles
>You back up as AJ gets closer
Great! What do you want me to do?

Feed the pigs? Coil the ropes?
>AJ gets ever closer, resting a hoof between Twilight's feet
>"Ah want you to spank me."
Sur-what?
>AJ stomps her hoof, kicking up a small cloud of dust and making you cringe
>"Spank me! Ah've been a bad pony Mr. Anonymous and Ah need to be punished!"
>Twilight is standing there looking unsure of what to do
>You start backing towards the door
AJ, I-I'm sure that whatever you did, you d-don't need to b-
>"CONFOUND IT JUST APPLESLAP ME ALREADY!"
>AJ whips around to present her flank to Twilight
>Accidentally giving her a forceful tail-smack to the stomach
>You watch as Twilight sails over your head through the barn door
>She lands in a hay pile with a -pomf
>"Are you o-"
SHUT UP!
>Twilight yells at you as she scrambles out of the hay pile
JUST...SHUT UP!
>Then she runs down the road leading back into town
>Applejack saunters out of the barn
>"Shoot. What's his deal?"
>"No idea, AJ."
>Still in Twilight's body, you decide to return home
-
>Arriving at your house, you see the door has been kicked open
>Your dirty shoe-print stuck near the doorknob
>"Twilight? You here?"
>Gingerly, you push the door open and head inside
>Wading through your frozen food boxes, it starts to sink in just how messy your house is
>"I really should clear this out one of these days", you think as you poke a moldy green eggroll
You win.
>"Twilight? Where are you?"
>The eggroll, your toe apparently, wiggles in response
I'm here. You win.
>The faint tugging sensation returns to the back of your neck
>And your vision fades out

>Your vision returns, giving you a view of the boxes Twilight buried herself under while in your body
>Moldy cheese air is a gross change from the breezes outside
>The boxes tumble to the floor as you sit up to escape the smell
>"You were right Anon. I'm..."
>She sighs
>"I was so excited when I got made a princess. All of my studying was finally paying off."
>You remember that day
>Twilight practically flew around the county screaming "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE" at any pony who would listen
>"And then...nothing. Mayor Mare runs the town well enough that I barely need to step in, and I can't even remember the last time The Cutie Map needed me to fix a friendship problem."
>Twi slumps down to the floor
>"So, you win. I'm just a useless burden who stays inside all day because nopony needs me to help them."
>Whimpering noises start creeping into her voice
>Damnit
>"Maybe I shouldn't have railed on her this morning", you think as you make your way through the trash to turn on the kettle
>As you fill the grimy pot with water, it hits you
>That's it
>Dropping the kettle in the sink, you scoop up a bunch of empty boxes
>And drop them all on Twilight

>"Anon!? I get it, I'm trash. Would you please stop?"
Nope!
>You dump more boxes on her
I've got a royal decree I still need to follow.
>She moves the boxes aside with magic
>"Decree?"
>You nod
Yup. "As your Princess I demand you go outside, or at least clean up a bit."
>You grab some trash bags from the kitchen
And seeing as I already went outside today...
>You toss her a bag, and it falls across her snout
Now, if only I had someone who could *help* me clean up all this junk.
>A faint, faint smile comes to her face
>The rest of the night is spent clearing your living room of food containers and other trash; a good ten bags full of it
>The trashponies were gonna love you tomorrow
>"How does one creature make so much trash?", Twilight asks as you drag the last of the bags out
>You shrug
It'd be less, but I stopped going to the farmers market after Carrot Top tried pantsing me by the eggplants.
>"Oh, right. Sorry."
>The last bag settles on the curb with a -thump
>"Well I guess I should probably get going, huh? I probably smell a lot worse than play-doh right now."
>You share a small laugh
Yeah, I should probably take a shower too. Have a good night, Twi.
>Twilight starts to fly off
Actually, wait...
>She stops and turns around
...do you know of any purple ponies who could come over and help clean tomorrow? There's still a lot of trash in the kitchen, and my floor is stained all to hell from old cheese.
>She almost knocks you over as she bolts to hug you
>"I think I know just the mare for the job!"
>Twilight gives you a final squeeze before taking off towards her castle
>You take a deep breath, letting the smells of the outside air fill you before you head back inside to shower and sleep
>Cedar, trash, your sweat, and the faintest hint of modeling clay
>Today was an interesting day
>But tomorrow is going to be even better.