>be Anon, a perfectly sane and well-adjusted individual and nobody can prove otherwise [spoiler]you made damn sure of that[/spoiler]
>getting transported to Equestria was a hoot and a half, you haven't seen this many indescribable colors and shapes since you took acid in college
>you did your best to check that you're not tripping balls, and you weren't

>currently, you are building your first bunker here
>why, a lesser man would ask
>well, following the attack of two dozen weird wood wolves, an enormous hydra, and some doomsday cult weirdos, all within a span of two weeks, you decided that "Ponyville" was a crazy place and you should get the hell out of Dodge before something worse shows up
>…or before they come for your lead-spitting babies
>apparently they have soccer, or "hoofball" moms here too, just your fucking luck
>she made herself known after you blew a baby-sized hole in one of hydra's heads
>you had no intention of waiting for her to tattle on your perfectly-legal mini-arsenal, so, naturally, innawoods you ran

>your little fortress is coming along fine, it's nigh-impossible to tell apart from the rest of the landscape, even from above
>hopefully this'll keep you safe from the monster or villain of the week smashing through the nearby pony settlement
>…and keep your snacks safe, those damn horses keep disappearing them despite your locked doors and shut windows
>…but mostly it's about the monsters
>sure, there are some weird things in this forest, but you're always packin' and can make your own homemade bullets, just like ma' used to make
>and thanks to dad teaching you chemistry, you know how to make the gunpowder as well, it's a shame that meth lab blew up in his face, he and mom were the only people who understood you
>your reverie is interrupted by the ground shaking and loud explosion coming from the outside
>party time

>rushing outside you see shrapnel everywhere that looks a lot like gold
>following the trail to the epicenter you find a small crater where one of your landmines used to be
>lifting your eyes, you see a pony hanging off one of the trees in the distance, her white coat provides a stark contrast to the bark of the tree
>yep, looks like you got another one
>for some reason there has been a lot of those gold-clad ponies milling around your bunker
>fearing for your freedom, guns and snacks, you put some defenses in place
>so far none have made it through
>you return to your new home, leaving the guard to hang in there and meditate on the meaning of "KEEP OUT!" signs you posted around your little hidey hole
>her comrades will pick her up in a day or so, not like anything can even hurt those things, not seriously
>a sprain, nasty bruise, that sort of thing
>you swear, you once saw pony walk away from having an anvil dropped on her, shit's wild
>you checked the anvil, of course, and it was no plastic replica shit, no psyop, just a regular heavy-ass anvil and those crazy cunts just dropped it on someone
>it was just an accident, but still, you don't want to be anywhere near when they accidentally drop another, god knows with your luck you won't die right away

>which brings you back to present
>and presently you're running a bit low on some chemicals, especially now that you have to replace a landmine
>you smile to yourself, because even though it's not a good thing, it gives you an excuse to visit that weird zebra that you share this forest with
>she stumbled upon you when you went out to get some water one day, nearly scaring the willies out of you
>later, though, she apologized and helped you with your blue balls
>it turns out the pretty flower you brushed against was called Poison Joke, though it's effect on people was no fucking joke
>she made you a little suspicious when she asked what were you doing innawoods, but then nodded sagely when you spoke of weekly monster attacks and falling anvils
>plus, if you take out the weird fauna, this is actually a pretty nice place, and take weird fauna out you do, something you let slip to your new friend
>that's when you two made an arrangement, where you barter herbs and whatnot for chemicals with the zeeb
>which works just fine — you get your explosives and gunpowder, she gets the monster parts and stuff from places too dangerous for the nofuns equine

>be guardsmare #357
>just kidding, be Iron Blossom
>be hanging teats over head near your target's current residence
>how do you know it's target's residence?
>well, the thing that blasted you into the sky and reduced your gear to bit-sized pieces is a dead giveaway
>all you knew is that his name is Anon and he's got some dangerous stuff that princesses want to place under a lock and key so it won't hurt anypony
>in retrospect, you should've expected something like this, but then again, who in their right mind surrounds their house with bucking explosives?!
>Equestria's only hyo-mane, that's who
>you count your blessings there's only one of them around, you dare not think what havoc a whole gaggle of them could unleash
>if you didn't think this fruitcake is going to hurt somepony with his stuff, you do now
>that said, you are not a violent mare, you would very much prefer this went on in a civil manner
>you'd knock and politely ask to turn over the weapons, no muss, no fuss
>that is, if you had made it to the door in the first place
>…
>you hope your squad finds you soon
>the adrenaline from being blown sky-high, then falling to your death, and then ending up in a tangle of branches is receding
>hanging upside down without being able to move is getting old pretty fast

>suddenly, you feel the branches that have you in a vice-like grip move
>oh yes please, Please, PLEASE for the love of Celestia snap and return this pony her freedom of movement!
>but, sadly, your prayers have been ignored, because now there's a bunch of squirrels sitting on you like some giant warm angry pillow
>…sometimes you hate-
>Luna's teats, no, you don't want nuts
>those squirrels seem to be used to guards stuck in trees here and are offering to share their latest bounty with you
>your attempts to tell them to instead help you untangle yourself from that tree only made them confused
>and while they look cute turning their little heads to the side all at once, you're no closer to getting out of your predicament
>finally, after two hours of trying to your hoof, you managed to snap a few smaller branches
>unfortunately, the weight redistribution have caused a chain reaction, culminating in you faceplanting into the ground
>…sometimes you hate your job, but at least now you're free