Breaking the Burglar by DCFTEF 
( / )

(05/04/2020)

https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/35158482/#q35170489

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More from the files of the Canterlot Royal Guard...

>You are fucked
>You are in the worst trouble of your life
>Sweating it out in a Royal Guard interrogation room
>Caught red-hoofed

>You always loved cat-burgler novels
>Seemed like a romantic, exciting life
>Just wanted to try it...never meant any harm
>Dressed all in black, looking real cool
>Climbed up on a rooftop of Canterlot Castle
>Broke a window, lowered yourself down on a rope 
>You wanted to see how close you could get to where Celestia's crown jewels are hidden
>No delusions about actually stealing them
>You're not that good

>Not good at all it appears
>Your rope chaffs of the broken glass
>Snaps. You come crashing down
>Knock over a decorative suit of armor
>Big racket
>You're busted by the guards

>You never meant any harm, just doing it for fun
>But now they're saying you tried to steal the Royal Jewels
>How much trouble can you get in for stealing Celestia's bling?
>You're about to find out

>A big guard mare comes in, a Sergeant
>Gives you a good lookover first
>She says nothing...just reads your file silently 
>Finally...
"Wow, kid...you are screwed."
>Well, that wasn't the news you were hoping to get
>She continues;
"You could be facing charges for attempted theft of the Royal Jewels."
>You try to explain, but she puts her hoof up and stops you
"Ya know what could happen to you if you get convicted of that?"
>You gulp and shake your head
"Ever stop and watch the criminals get their butts busted in Canterlot Square?"
>Bigger gulp. This time you nod.
"Notice how the worst spanking is always last?"
>Again you nod. You always thought those poor saps were up there on the platform because were dumb enough to get caught
>You never thought you could be up there
>The mare speaks bluntly
"You'd be the last one."

>You're freaking out now
>You were just fooling around
>What might you suffer for this?
>The paddle...the cane...the cat-o-nine-tails?
>In front of the whole city?

>Just as you're about to have a panic, the guardmare leans in and says;
"But I know you weren't really trying to steal the jewels."
>Wait...what?
>This could be an answer to your prayers, but how?
"Because you didn't have a bag when we caught you, dumbass!
"What did you expect to put the crown jewels in when you stole them?
"Nah, you're just a doofus."
>Harsh, but if it saves your rump.

>The mare has a proposal for you
"Listen, I have a proposal for you...
"One of our Privates just had her heart broken.
"Expected her coltfriend to come into town for a visit
"It was his birthday...she planned a big surprise party tonight for him.
"But when his train arrived she got a letter instead.
"The jerk said he couldn't keep up a long distance relationship...he found somepony new."
>Ouch...he is a jerk
"And you kinda look like him."

>Hold on, what is this mare suggesting?
"Just what are you suggesting?"
>Does she want you to stand-in for her ex-coltfriend?
>The Sergeant chuckles
"Sort of...
"See, we both got a problem.
"You got some serious charges against you that I don't think you really deserve.
"I've got a heartbroken trooper who REALLY needs some closure.
"I'm proposing that you accept a little off-the-record punishment...and I'll make those burglary charges disappear."

>This sounds weird, but it might be the only chance you've got
"Umm, what would I have to do?"
>The Sergeant explains;
"Well, she planned a party, we're still gonna have one...just us fillies.
"And you."
>Sounds good so far.
"You're gonna be the stand-in for that cretin who dumped her.
"We girls are gonna laugh and cry and drink giant jugs of sangria.
"We're probably gonna watch a sappy romantic comedy movie.
"And we're gonna take turns WHOOPING YOUR SORRY ASS.
>Did I mention, *gulp*?

"It won't be just that either.
"Some of the girls have some pretty gnarly strap-on's, so, pucker up.
"And I'm sure we'll think of some other pretty horrible things to do when we're drunk."

>The mare rambles about all the terrible things they could do to your tender pony body
>Candlewax...hot peppers in the mouth, ginger root up the butt
>Ear bites, some light ball slapping
"We're all trained Royal Guards, so you won't come to any lasting physical harm
"But oh, boy, you are gonna wish you'd never been born!"

>It seems a little unfair
"So I'm being punished for some other stallion's thoughtlessness?"
>She gets real serious
"No, you're being punished for breaking into Canterlot Castle and trying to steal the Royal Jewels.
"This is the best deal you're gonna get
"Take your chances with the courts if you want."
>No...you don't wanna risk getting a public spanking in Canterlot Square

"Okay ma'am...I'll do it."
>She tussles your mane maternally
"Good choice, kid. Worst mistake of your life, you won't regret it."
>Huh?

>Leaving the prisoner in a more comfortable holding cell until the night's party, the Sergeant went about her duties.
>In the hall she met Captain Shining Armor
"Sgt. Docks, did you take care of that doofus we caught breaking into the castle?"
>Roxy nodded and gave her report;
"Yes, Sir, I didn't judge him to be much of a threat so we agreed to some non-judicial punishment."
>The Captain approved
"Good call. He was no criminal, just some twit playing cat burglar on the roof."
>Sergeant Docks was glad he agreed
"I think so, Captain. He'll get a good scare and won't cause any trouble again."
"I trust your judgement, Sgt, Docks. You on CQ duty tonight?"
>She shook her head.
"No, it's Sergeant War Muffin. Some mares and I have a party planned tonight...fillies only."
>Shining Armor smiled
"Sounds like fun. Have a good time."
>Roxy saluted
>She didn't bother telling the Captain there would be one colt at the party.

END