Royal Spanker by DCFTEF ( / ) (15/03/2020) https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/35068954/#q35094605 --- >royal spanker I've always imagined a more formal execution of the job. Ponies are only sent to the much-feared spanking bench after they've been arrested, indicted, tried and convicted of a crime. Sentence is given immediately, often a public or private spanking, even for young adults. Most of the time you're just another pony on the street. You go to the market, you say hello to the ponies you know. When they ask about your job you just mutter something vague about having a government post. They have no idea what you really do. A few times a week you show up for work at the Royal Guard barracks. Everypony there knows what you do. First you sit down at your desk and review today's...customers. You see what crime they were convicted of, if they have any prior offenses, how many strokes each one is getting. 15 minutes to showtime. Your team gathers. You have 2 assistants to help, plus 3 more from the jail that will arrive with the prisoners. That's six strong guardponies...it's important to have a lot of help because some of the prisoners lose their nerve at the last minute and try to struggle or escape. Best thing is just to gently overwhelm them, get them restrained and just get it over with. It's punishment, it's not supposed to be enjoyed. It's a public one today, and there's a big crowd. You and your pair of assistants put on dark hoods with eye holes. Your cutie marks are already covered by your uniforms. Now no pony in the crowd will know your identity (ponies are not very smart). When you walk out onto the raised punishment platform there is a frightened gasp from the audience. It's all part of the theatrics...the Royal Executioner should be a scary character, even if there hasn't been an actual execution in Equestria for years. Now, instead of bringing an axe down on unfortunate pony necks you bring a paddle (or a cane, or a strap, etc) down on naughty pony rears. As you wait for the prisoners to arrive from Canterlot City jail your eyes scan the crowd. Sometimes a pony getting whacked has friends or kinfolk in the crowd that try to cause trouble. You're pretty good at spotting those. The regular Royal Guards help with crowd control. No such mischief today, in fact a lot of ponies have brought their foals. School is on holiday this week and you guess they consider it educational to show their colts & fillies what happens to bad ponies who commit crimes. Those in the front row have to sit on their parents' backs to see up on the platform. Princess Celestia personally insists on a high punishment platform, so every pony can get a good look. She's a benevolent ruler, but a firm believer in public corporal punishment. At last, here come the prisoners from the jail. There are four today, two mares, two stallions. Heads hung low in shame, they are led in on a rope. Sometimes they are brought in a cart, but the jail guards don't like that because they have to pull the cart. >"Why should they get a free ride to getting their rumps roasted? Let 'em walk!" And that's how it's done most of the time now. As the unfortunate prisoners are brought up to the platform a Court Officer reads the charges against each of them. You and your assistants don't need to listen, you know all this. This first pair were caught in a misdemeanor together. They broke a window and some locks to sneak into the City Water Department. When the night watchpony caught them they were engaged in 'heavy smooching' according to his police report. They confessed to breaking in because they had no other private place to make out; he stayed in a college dorm with room mates and she still lived with her parents. Breaking & entering for the purposes of snogging is an innocent little crime, but they did destroy public property and enter a dangerous area, plus both had a prior offense, so they were each getting 20 with a leather tawse. A light punishment, but one they wouldn't enjoy. The college colt had gallantly offered to go first so the jail guards were already putting him over the spanking bench. It was a simple restraint; a flat board higher at one end than the other, to raise the rump higher than the head (prevented ponies passing out during harsher punishments) and keep the back hooves off the ground. There was a tight belt across the legs, to prevent kicking, then another around the hips and one across the shoulders. Once his front hooves were tied the young stallion was totally helpless. You never liked to waste time at this. Royal Executioners in other cities draw it out to play to the crowd or increase the fear of the convict, but you just get on with it. >*WHACK* The crowd always gasps at the first one. Sometimes the pony getting spanked tries to grit his teeth and take it quietly but not this guy. He'd been pretty brave up to now, trying to make his nervous filly-friend feel better, but at the first lash he howled. >Sorry kid, you've got 19 more coming. The tawse is considered a fairly light implement but it hurts plenty. You just do your job, laying them on hard and steady until the count reaches 15. So far he's taking it okay, crying out in pain but not hysterically losing control. Now is the real test...the last few are traditionally laid on harder. >*WHACK* (3 second gap) *WHACK* That second one made him shriek a little. The third one breaks his resolve and he's blubbering and weeping for the final two. >"Sentence complete; let him up." The teary eyed college colt laid down over the bench cooperatively but needs some help getting up. His legs are wobbly and his face is as red as his rump. He was really trying to stay brave for his girl but by breaking down in painful tears he'd confirmed her worst fears. Now it's her turn. She was more upset than he'd been as she was strapped down to the terrible bench, but she was small and easy to manage when she struggled a little. The jail guards got her in position with just a little help from your two assistants. Now all the young mare could do was turn her head to plead with you. As you approach she shakes her head and quietly begs; >"NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNononononono..." But the court has already found her guilty and you're here to do your job. *WHACK* This time the crowd does not gasp at the first lash, that was a first time novelty. Most watch silently but a few yell out words of encouragement, some for her, some for you. The filly does not respond to the support they show, she just cries steadily through the first 15 and predictably screams when each of the painful last five lash her shaking rump. Her colt-friend needed help getting up...she practically jumps off the bench when she's finally released. She gallops over to her coltfriend for a mutually weepy hug. Against regulation but no pony stops them On to some more serious crimes. Not too serious, this is Happy Horsie World after all. The next unfortunate is a young mare who apprenticed in a pie shop. It was her job to make deliveries all over the city, but she'd been jacking up the prices beyond what her bosses charged and keeping the extra for herself. She would have gotten away with it but she got greedy, sold an entire cart of pies on the street and then claimed they had been stolen while she was making a delivery. Royal guards did not believe her report and soon had a dozen witnesses who confirmed she'd been a naughty pony who sold the pies. For fraud and filing a false police report she would be getting a frightening 50 with a wooden paddle. While the young lovers were just embarrassed and scared about their punishments the pie profiteer is stubborn and surly. She has a stubborn scowl on her face and snorts in derision when your assistant tells her it's time. No matter, her attitude won't change anything. The paddle doesn't care what your attitude is. As the assistants strap her down to the bench she offers no resistance but no cooperation either. The young mare just lets her limbs go limp and heavy, making the Royal Guards do all the work. She keeps the same pouty, scowling expression right up until her tail is pulled out of the way. Only now does any worry show in her face. She's right to be worried...now it's time for you to start your work. >*WHAP* The wide, flat paddle makes a different sound as it falls on her rear end, duller and lower than the sharp snap of the tawse. From the crowd it draws a chorus of >"Oooooooooo" 's but from the unlucky mare it only produces an angry grunt. That will change as the punishment goes on. Lots of prisoners try to resist crying out...very few succeed. It doesn't matter if they stay silent the whole time or bawl like a little foal; you and they both know: It Hurts, capital H. >*WHAP* (3 second gap) *WHAP* (3 second gap) *WHAP* The defiant filly makes it to number 8 before her tough grunts turn into squeaks and by #12 she's yelping in pain with each smack. Her rump is starting to shake more and back hooves kick as much as the restraints allow. 25 spanks in, she's sobbing steadily with a pained shriek each time the paddle strikes her darkening pink cheeks. She has a chubby rear for a filly her age, and it jiggles after each whack, traveling up the spine as a shudder and down her legs with a kick, caught by the restraint strap. The crowd looks on, mostly silent, caught between the satisfaction of seeing a wrongdoer rightfully punished and undeniable pity at watching a fellow pony suffer. Most of the fillies and colts who had been brought by their parents have now crawled down off their elders' backs, some now hide between their legs. They had enjoyed the popcorn and carnival atmosphere of the crowd before the punishments, but now the cries of ponies in distress were not so much fun. A few parents continue to make their foals watch; a little unfair in your opinion. The poor kid gets it...naughty ponies get punished. There's little point in forcing them to watch the whole thing when it's clearly upsetting. The Pie Profiteer is very upset by now. She's reached #38 and is in full, uncontrollable tears. Redness clearly shows through her rump fur. As she cries a sticky wad of snot rockets from her nostril and sticks to the back of a Royal Guard's helmet. He doesn't even notice but one of your assistants chuckles. A disapproving look from you silences her...on the platform you demand professionalism from your team. You can laugh about it later. Since her paddling is longer the finale is longer too. You administer the last 10 spanks no harder, but faster and concentrated on the lowest portions of her backside, where it's most tender. She howls in agony but you finish up the job, leaving the young mare panting and sobbing on the bench. Paddling doesn't seem to have changed her attitude much. When the assistants unstrap her and try to get her up she pushes their helping hooves away with contempt. She tries to step away with the last scraps of her dignity but misjudges how wobbly her legs are and falls flat on her face, drawing a laugh from the crowd. The guards have to help her back to the waiting area. She still wears that defiant look, unfortunately she hasn't learned a thing. Hopefully you won't see her back here again, but you have a bad feeling about this little thief. You take a deep breath and look over at the final 'customer'. He's the reason there's big crowd today. Poor guy looks terrified too. The stallion doesn't look like a hardened criminal. A skinny, kinda bookish looking college-age colt with thin rimmed round eyeglasses...trying to grow a goatee (unsuccessfully) to look older. Certainly not the type you'd expect to be getting the worst punishment of the day. But this colt's case is a weird one, it had been in the Canterlot newspapers all week. Long story short; he set off a bomb in the Canterlot Library. Okay, it's not as bad as it sounds. The "bomb" was loaded with nothing more dangerous than grape jelly and confetti, and he tried to set its timer for midnight when no patrons would be around. His timer failed and the device exploded near closing hour, splattering staff, library visitors and a fair number of books in a sticky purple mess. Of course the Royal Guard investigations unit was called, but there were no clues about who had set the device, so after a full day they and the library staff were ready to write it off as an annoying foalish prank that would remain unsolved. That's when things got weird. Just as the investigation was being closed a young stallion walked right into Royal Guard Headquarters and claimed responsibility for the sticky terrorist attack. >"My name is Soulful Sonnet. I've done a bad thing and expect I'll need to be punished for it." At first the guardponies assumed he was just an attention seeking kook, but Sonnet provided them with the exact location of the bomb and details about the timer, proving his claim. So, he was arrested. Of course the newspapers sent reporters to the jail to learn about this bizarre story. In between changeling invasions and royal coronations Canterlot was a slow city for news, and this was an exciting case that would sell newspapers. Press attention was exactly what Soulful Sonnet was looking for. In his interviews he revealed that the bomb was an act of political protest, not meant to harm anypony, but to draw attention to a grievous problem. Sonnet told the reporters that visited him in his jail cell (more like a simple dorm room with its lock on the outside) he had attacked the Royal Canterlot Library to protest for...library funding. Equestria is a pretty happy and well managed land. They don't have many opportunities to protest. The Equestrian Finance Office was hard at work on the annual national budget and a reporter managed to get his hooves on an incomplete rough draft of the expenditures list. What the information showed was an unfair issue with funding for rural libraries. One of Princess Twilight Sparkle's first acts was to start a "Library in Every Town" project, which sought to guarantee some kind of public library in every Equestrian village, regardless of size. This would take years, and money, so the rest of the national library budget was squeezed. Importantly, maintenance funds for existing libraries would have to wait in favor of building new ones in unserved areas. But what had really angered Soulful Sonnet and his friends was that all the big city libraries got exemptions and got to keep their maintenance funds. The rural libraries would just have to wait, possibly years, until funds became available to fix their leaky roofs, saggy stairs and burst pipes. So Soulful Sonnet decided to strike a blow for equality and justice...he set off his jelly bomb in the new marble foyer of the Canterlot Library. So became Soul's ride on the roller-coaster of public fame. His interview ran the next day in the Canterlot newspapers. Ponies read it over their morning tea...and agreed with him. >This is unfair! >My parents live in a small town and their library needs a new wheelchair ramp! >We demand answers from the Finance Office! >Behead Princess Celestia! Most ponies ignored that last guy. He says that about everything. Last week the ice cream shop discontinued his third favorite flavor and he called for burning all royals at the stake. He's weird, but he's harmless. Despite still being in custody while the courts decided what to do with him, Soulful Sonnet had become a hero to the people. A crowd gathered outside the jail to sing and wave a big banner reading; >"Free Soulful Sonn" They didn't have enough room on the banner for the last two letters. Other ponies wrote to the papers, wanting accountability from the Finance Office. A motivated few went directly to the Department of Finance building to bang on the doors and demand answers. When the mob got there they found the doors already open (it was a nice summer day), but the security ponies politely closed them so the mob could bang on them and register their displeasure. The sun went down with calls for Sonnet's immediate release as the hero who had alerted everypony to the Great Library Scandal. But when the sun came back up, the papers had a new story... This morning's cover story in all the Canterlot newspapers; >Finance Dept. Chairmare explains library funding misunderstanding It turned out the library maintenance funds were never in any danger. The list that exposed the 'scandal' was an incomplete piece of a rough draft. >"Of course we knew there was a shortfall in library funding, we knew that weeks ago. >"That's why we do multiple drafts of the budget. >"We tweak it, we adjust it, we fix it until we solve all these issues. >"That's why it takes so long to do the national budget. >"Seriously, how do you ponies not know this?" The funding for rural libraries had been fully restored 5 days ago...three days before Soulful Sonnet even planted his bomb. Poor Sonnet went from "THE PEOPLE'S CHAMPION" to "that doofus who set off a jelly bomb in the library to protest something that had already been fixed" in only one morning. A hero last night, today he was the butt of jokes, and by lunchtime he realized >"Without a heroic cause to save me I could be in really big trouble". Since he had walked into the Royal Guard HQ and admitted his guilt there was no need for a trial. Sentencing was scheduled for the next day; Soul only met his public defense attorney that morning at court. >"Hey, I gotta admit, kid, this is a tough case, you already pleadin' guilty and all. >"You're looking at some serious Community Service, and you'll have to pay restitution for the damages you caused." That was a relief but Sonnet was worried about more. >"Are you sure? Another prisoner told me I might get worse if the judge didn't like me." But the lawyer dismissed his worries >"Worse? Like what? They ain't gonna sent a nice kid like you, a poetry Major, to the salt mines." Sonnet whispered in embarrassment >"I'm just really...really afraid of getting whipped. I don't want to get whipped, that won't happen, will it?" Soul's voice grew louder in desperation near the end. But his lawyer was confident. >"Nah, don't worry kid. They're not gonna whip ya for a harmless prank protest. >"That's what you tell the Judge when he asks too...it was just a prank...you meant well, you're very sorry. Judge Sugar Shine is pretty lenient, you'll get a slap on the fetlock...not the butt." >"ALL RISE." >"The Honorable Judge Brassy Gavel presiding." This is where terrible luck hit Soulful Sonnet like an out of control Wonderbolt cadet. His attorney visibly gulped when he saw Judge Gavel walk in and take her seat. >"Ummm, your Honor, I might be in the wrong courtroom, I thought Sugar Shine was presiding over this case?" Brassy Gavel was a hard, no-nonsense judge, Soul could tell that just from a first glance. He was already terrified of her. >"Sit down, Counselor, Judge Shine hurt his back playing golf yesterday. I will be presiding. You're first, defense...keep it simple, don't waste my time." The worry on his lawyer's face did not make Sonnet feel good about his chances, but he sat quietly, trying to look very, very sorry, while the attorney plead on his behalf. He pointed out that the bomb was mostly harmless. That Soul had tried to set it for explosion after hours, He honestly confessed the crime and gave details to prove his guilt. And though his information was flawed he felt his cause was justified and right. Now it was the prosecution's turn. This stallion did very little. He read the police report aloud, he read Soul's confession aloud, then he listed all the damage to the library and how much it would cost to fix. Soulful Sonnet cringed at that part, it ran into the tens of thousands of bits. Who knew grape jelly could do so much damage? Last, the prosecutor reviewed the minimum and maximum sentencing guidelines. Soul was worried when he heard that a beating was a possibility. His lawyer whispered to 'stay positive' though he didn't look very positive himself. Judge Gavel took a moment to review the case, and everypony sat silent. No creature dared speak, the Judge's reputation was fierce. Once, a defendant complained about her community service sentence and called the Judge 'Gassy Bravel', immediately getting 15 lashes of the tawse added to her sentence for contempt of court. Another time, she evicted her own bailiff from the court-room for chewing gum too loud. >"Mister Sonnet, please rise for sentencing." When he hesitated out of fear, Judge Gavel snapped at him; >"I said on your hooves this instant, young stallion!" It didn't get any better than that. While poor Soul stood alone, the fearsome Judge chewed him out and dressed him down like a mother scolding a naughty colt. Though the rebuke was targeted at just one pony every other ear in the court was flopped backward in cringing sympathy. All felt his pain. Only Judge Gavel's ears were perked up in anger as she ripped into the foolish young stallion. >"What if a foal had set off your bomb by accident? >"Did you consider the art and irreplaceable tapestries in that lobby? >"Cost aside, how long before the books you soiled will be cleaned and ready for patrons to use?" >"Some are calling you a terrorist, Mr. Sonnet. What do you have to say for yourself?" She couldn't have asked at a worse time. Crushed by stress and the vituperative scolding, Soul had tears running down his muzzle. He could barely blubber out an answer. >"I'm n-n-not a terr-rr-rorist ma'am...I mean your Honor...I was just trying to help a w-worthy cause and I made an extremely foolish mistake. I'm very s-sorry and *sniffle* promise to never do anything like this again! I swear I've l-l-leaned my l-lesson and beg the mercy of the court." Judge Gavel waited for him to stop sniffling before handing down her sentence. >"Stand up straight in my courtroom, mister." Soul's head hung low in shame, but he straightened up at her order. >"I'll agree with one thing from your speech; you ARE a fool. Hopefully 60 lashes from the cat-of-nine-tails will remind you to think next time you want to make a political statement." While Sonnet stood frozen, jaw agape in shock, his lawyer jumped forward to argue against it. >"Your Honor, that's much too harsh! The cat-o-nine-tails is intended for hardened criminals who have committed violent crimes. My client is a school-colt who has never committed a crime before this!" >"Counselor sit down unless you want to be held in contempt and spend the night with your client in jail." He sat down obediently. >"Your client set off an explosive device in a public building, THAT is a violent crime. He may be foolish and naive but he is not innocent. The Royal Guards will retain custody of the prisoner and execute sentence at earliest convenience. This court is dismissed." Soulful Sonnet was still frozen in place with his mouth wide open. He'd been fearful of a bad outcome, but this was worse than he ever could have imagined. He was terrified. His lawyer tried to comfort Soul. >"Hey, don't lose hope, kid. We still got one card left to play and it's a good one." Soul desperately hoped it would be good enough. Sonnet desperately hoped his court appointed lawyer had some genius strategy that would save his rump from certain devastation. >"We're gonna appeal to the Crown for a Royal Pardon!" That was it? That was his big plan? Soulful Sonnet began to have a panic attack. >"It's really gonna happen, I'm gonna get whipped." But his lawyer was serious. >"Listen, kid, we got a better chance at this than you think. >"During the week there's one Princess designated to hear direct mercy pleas. Usually it's Celestia, so you'd be doomed. She's ignored your case and is a big supporter of corporal punishment." Soul whimpered; >"No chance?" His rump was doomed. >"Just listen! It's now Thursday. If I apply for your pardon tomorrow then it gets read on the weekend. Princess Celestia likes to take the weekend off so one of the other three Alicorns decides your fate...and we got pretty good odds!" Could there be a hope? >"One of the other Princesses might pity me?" Soul's attorney thought so. >"Luna has expressed 'admiration for your decisive spirit' and thinks you deserve credit for acting alone, not involving others. Safe bet, she'll pardon you." Sonnet felt some of the doom lifting off him. >"Cadance is a big softie. She's trying to cut down on judicial spanking in the Crystal Empire. She'll help." Finally, a hopeful smile from Soul. He dared to crack a joke; >"Wow, I should have blown up the Crystal Empire Library instead." The lawyer wasn't sure about Princess #3. >"Now this new Princess...Twiley Sparkley...she's the wild card. She's Celestia's protege, that's bad for you. Also, she used to be a librarian in some place called PonyBurg or something, so she might be miffed about your choice of target. However, it was a rural library so she might sympathize with your intentions. >"She's 50/50, best I can give ya." Soul looked on the bright side. >"That's 82½ % chance of a pardon! How can I help?" >"You gotta do another newpaper interview, kiddo." The attorney scrambled to arrange some media, but it wasn't as easy as before when the reporters came to looking for the exciting Soulful Sonnet:Freedom Fighter . Now he was just another dweeb in jail trying to get out of having his rump roasted. Public attention had shifted away. >BABY FLURRY HEART GETS FIRST TOOTH! was front page news all over Equestria. Only one newspaper sent a reporter to the jail to get Soul's story. >"That's the best we've got, kid. Just do as I coached ya." Last time he was interviewed Sonnet spoke in grandiose terms about the rights of the little pony and how personal sacrifice was required to stand up for fairness. Back then Soul thought that personal sacrifice might be a little community service, not the skin of his poor rump. So this time he laid on the apologies, thick and pitiful. He admitted he'd been a fool who acted without knowing all the facts...he wished he could take back his anti-social behavior...he promised to use his bad example to teach ponies the right way to protest injustice. Soulful Sonnet finished his interview with a desperate, heartfelt plea. >"I know I have been a bad pony who has inconvenienced others and caused damage without good reason. >"I am very, deeply sorry and ask Equestria's forgiveness. I implore our gentle Princesses for their mercy and ask that they please...please consider my pardon request. I I am just a scared student, I have never committed a crime or done anything bad before and I promise I never will again. I beg our merciful Princesses to please reconsider the terrible thrashing I am sentenced to. I swear to be good pony from now on, you have my promise." It was miserably embarrassing for the ex-freedom fighting hero to supplicate himself like this, begging for mercy from his leaders to save him from a spanking that he was too scared to even think about. His lawyer tried to re-assure him. >"You done the best you can, kid. Its in the Alicorns' hooves now." The reporter got Soul's new interview to the printing press in time, so it ran in the Friday newspaper. That same day Soul's lawyer formally filed a "Penitent Petition for Princess Pardon (please!)" with the Royal clerk...leaving it late in the day just to make sure the pitiful plea was not delivered to Celestia, who was certain to turn it down. Soul and his attorney needed the weekend Princess to read his request. >"Which one do you think it will be?" Sonnet was jumpy and skittish. He really wanted Cadance, he felt she was the safest bet for his imperiled rump. But his lawyer could offer no guarantee; >"We won't know until we get the reply. >"They decide among themselves. >"Maybe one week Luna has a concert she wants to go to, >"Or Cadance can't get a foalsitter, or Sparkle has to fight a monster. >"Whichever Princess ain't busy reads your plea." That wasn't much reassurance. Sonnet waited in the Canterlot jail...all Saturday but there was no response yet. He mainly brooded in his cell. The guards frequently came by and asked him if he'd like to come out of his room and join in the activities with other prisoners, but arts & crafts did not interest him much with the doom of the cat-o-nine-tails hanging over his rump. >"Could I maybe have a book, please?" The jail library didn't have the book Soul asked for so they put a request in to (ironically) the Canterlot Library, who offered speedy pegasus delivery service. Soul's book arrived in only an hour, wrapped in brown paper. He'd asked for 'Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone', a bit foalish for a poetry major but he craved a little nostalgia for less complicated times. But when he unwrapped the brown paper it was 'DD and the Obsidian Caves of Despair'. That was odd... The Canterlot Library was usually very precise, he didn't understand the mistake until he opened the cover and found a little packet of grape jelly, like you get in a diner, taped inside with a little note; >"Like your purple jelly now, bomber? >"Lots of us are going to be laughing when your heiny gets turned this color." >"Enjoy!" Soul's hooves trembled and his eyes teared up again when he read the mean note. It was a reminder that a lot of ponies were still very mad at him and hoped he would get his whipping as much as he hoped to escape it. Soul thought about what to do for a moment then chewed up the nasty note and swallowed it. There was no way to ever know what pony wrote it. A librarian, an assistant pulling books, the wrapper, the shipper, the delivery pegasus who flew it here? It would just create a big fuss and maybe get the wrong pony in trouble if he told anyone about the note. Plus, he deserved it. He would have to call for a guard and report the jelly though. If he got caught with that, or even the empty wrapper in his cell he could be in more trouble...and Soul already had enough of that. He called for a guard and surrendered it, never telling about the note. But why the wrong Daring Do book? Soulful Sonnet knew right away. 'Obsidian Caves of Despair' was the Daring Do adventure with a particularly lurid scene of torture in it. Villain Ahuizotl captured the hero, hung her up by her front hooves and whipped her rear-end brutally with...a cat-o-nine-tails. The library staff knew that. Of course the scene in the book was pure sadistic fantasy...Soul knew that. Many ponies said it crossed a line and became too lewd. Parents forbid their foals from reading it until they were older and the scene is the movie was WAY tamed down. Author A.K. Yearling had no comment, she just grumbled something angrily under her breath about, >"...you jerks didn't have to live it..." but explained nothing. Sunday morning dawned and Sonnet was surprised to notice the guards had let him sleep an hour or two late. He had no clock in his cell/room but he did have a window. Though the bars he saw Celestia's sun further along its daily arc than when they normally got him up. >"We wanted to let you get some rest. >"You've been having some long, sleepless nights. >"Don't worry, we saved you some pancakes." That's how jail operated in Canterlot. When he came out of his cell Soul found his lawyer already there. Excited about his possibilities, he asked; >"Did we get the reply back on my pardon yet?" The attorney sighed. He showed Soul a manila envelope from the Office. of Princess Communications. >"D-Did you open it yet?" The older stallion showed him. >"Only the outer envelope, not the message yet." Eagerly, Soulful Sonnet asked; >"Well, which Princess heard my appeal?" The lawyer slid a smaller, white envelope out of its manila sheath. On it was the raspberry colored star of... >"Princess Sparkle." The lawyer seemed as nervous as Soul was. Two concerned guards even hung around, waiting to see the result. Hooves shaking, Soul opened the envelope and drew out a sheet of fine, Princess-quality paper. A poet in training, Soul was good at reading out loud; >"From the desk of Spike the Dragon. >"Dictated by Princess of Friendship; Twilight Sparkle. Long, nervous pause before continuing; >"Your request for exemption from discipline has been received and reviewed by competent authority. >"As your case is a matter of ongoing debate, an appropriate amount of consideration has gone into reaching a decision. Princess Twilight was long-winded but Soul did not skip ahead. He was afraid of what answer he might find. >"The positive intent of your act, no matter how misguided its execution, is noted. You attempted to draw attention to a legitimate issue with library funding and that is an demonstration of good citizenship." Sounds good so far, right? The reply from Princess Twilight went on; >"The fact that the issue had already been resolved long before your criminal act has been considered but set aside as irrelevant. You acted on the best information you thought you had, so in this area the Crown chooses to simply admonish you for not checking all your facts before acting." Soul read faster. This was looking good, even his lawyer and the two sympathetic guards had hopeful smiles on their faces. Then it turned grim. >"The issue of your selection of the Canterlot Public Library as a target is problematic, however. >"In deploying your explosive device you made several considerations to avoid injury and serious public damage, that has been recognized in your favor, yet it forms the central point of the Crown's decision. >"Since you clearly did not wish to hurt ponies or damage the structure your deed must be interpreted as a symbolic act against our libraries and the system by which the State uses public resources to fund them. >"Therefore, as stewards of our shared public resources the Crown has no choice but to attach the same symbolic importance to your target. >"Equestria loves its libraries, and despite not meaning any harm you have attacked our largest. You should have factored into your planning that the response of the criminal justice system, charged with representing the will of the citizenry, would be as symbolically dramatic as your act. If you did not you simply did not think things through properly." Soul gulped. He didn't want to read any more, but he had to. >"Therefore, it is the final decision of the Crown to deny your application for pardon. Your sentence, while admittedly severe, has been handed down by a Judge in good standing and we find no justification for overturning or reducing it. >"You have done a very bad, anti-social thing, Mr. Soulful Sonnet, and you must now accept that you will be punished for it." Dealing with shock, heartbreak and terror all at once, poor Soul struggled through the last of Princess Twilight's sentence of doom. >"On behalf of my fellow Princesses we express our sincere, heartfelt pity for the suffering you will have to endure and hope that you can find something positive and reformative in the experience. We wish you luck and leave the matter in the capable, professional hooves of the Canterlot Royal Guard; Law Enforcement Division." >"Yours in Friendship; >"Princess Twilight Sparkle. >"Ponyville, Equestria." No pony wanted to be the first to speak after that. One of the guards gave Soul a supportive rub on the back and muttered; >"Wow. Rotten luck, fella. I'm sure Cadance or Luna would have let you off the hook." But they hadn't. Sonnet turned to his lawyer. >"So what's my next step?" He shook his head slowly, sadly. >"Sorry kid. That was it. >"We appealed right to the top. We're out of options." Soul gulped >"But that means...no, no, no, come on, please! There has to be another way! You're my lawyer, please think of something!" The young stallion gave his attorney the 'sad puppy-dog eyes' in desperation but he knew the truth. Now his whipping was inevitable. The head guard in charge spoke next; >"We'll put you on the schedule for Monday. >"That's the earliest possible. You've been waiting in jail long enough. Best to get this business over with." Soulful Sonnet went back into his cell and closed the door. He stayed in there most of the day, only coming out for meals and saying little to his fellow prisoners. Most of them were waiting for their own spankings, some public, some private, but none was getting it as bad as this poor colt. When he asked; >”It's not really gonna be that bad, is it?” a few of them, worried about increasing their own sentences, asked the guards if it was okay to tell a lie, just this once. That evening Soul didn't even come out of his room for 'Make your own Sundae Sunday' in the jail cafeteria. Just when his nerves couldn't get any more strained a pony showed up with a small package from the supply room. >"Time to get braiding, fella. >"There's instructions in the bag. Have it done by morning, or else." Soul couldn't fathom what that meant. >"Or else what?" The trooper shrugged and replied; >"I don't know. Every pony before got it done on time." The bag contained 15 long leather strips, thinner than boot laces, well oiled and stored in wax paper to keep them from drying. Sonnet knew there were no leather tanneries in Equestria, this stuff had to be imported from the griffon lands. Celestia was spending a lot of money to whip his butt. He knew what he was expected to do but read the instructions carefully. He didn't want to get a single thing wrong and risk being in more trouble. >I wish I wasn't doing this right now... Carefully, Sonnet began to twist the thongs into the individual tails of his cat. It was a simple 3 part braid, familiar to any schoolfilly who had ever worn her hair in pigtails. Several times he had to completely unravel the braid because it wasn't tight enough. The raw leather thongs were almost 50 inches long...the instructions said each finished tail had to be less than 12. It was hard to do with his hooves shaking and tears falling on his work but Soul finished the terrible deed before midnight, producing 9 terrifying tails with the remaining leather strips wrapped around their base to combine them into the instrument of his own punishment. A guard pony would inspect it and attach it to a wooden handle tomorrow morning. All Soul could do right now was wait. Princess Luna sensed his fear even in her world, but if he did not go to sleep she could not reach him in his dream, so she watched helplessly from afar, unable to comfort the young stallion on his worst night. Dawn broke on the red eyed stallion's worst day. Though he knew he would not be brought to Canterlot square until the afternoon there were things to do before that. He would get one last physical this morning. The other guards warned him that his temperature would be taken. >"So what, that's normal." The others snickered >"Well, a while back some prisoners learned how to get the thermometer extra warm in their mouths and register a fever temp." Soul saw a glimmer of opportunity; >"Does that get you out of punishment? >"Will it really work?" Hope! But the other jailbirds laughed. >"Nah, not anymore. Now the thermometer goes up yer butt so you can't get away with those tricks." >"Yeah, kid, that's what we were trying to warn you about." They laughed. Maybe at another time Sonnet would see the dark humor in it but for now he just wanted to pout about another indignity to suffer today. He returned to his cell just as a big guardsmare sergeant arrived. >"Prisoner Soulful Sonnet?" Though the guards had mostly been nice since he'd been in jail, Sonnet knew he'd better be respectful to the sergeants. >"Y-Yes ma'am" >"I'm here about a cat?" For a moment Soul was confused...did she really think he was selling a kitten, or... >"Ohhhh! Yes, yes, ma'am, I have it complete, on time, it's right in here." Soul dashed inside his cell, laid the cat-of-nine-tails that he'd woven last night on the table for her inspection and stood at attention, awaiting the verdict. He was surprised when she picked it up, sat on his bed and patted the mattress beside, summoning him to sit beside her. Tentatively, he obeyed, sitting intimately close to the Sergeant. >"Nice work, kid. >"Thank you ma'am. I hope it's the only time I ever have to do it." That earned an approving smile from the older mare. >"Making a good cat gets you brownie points with the supervising court officer. >"Shows you've taken your crime seriously and accepted the punishment." Soul blushed >"I would still chicken out if I had any possible way out of this. Any way...I'm terrified." His shock was as great as his shame had been when the Sergeant pulled her close to him and tousled his mane like a little colt. >"Aww, honey, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. If you were looking forward to this we wouldn't be doing our jobs." Soul was baffled by this show of warm compassion and remained nestled in the hug though he could have pulled away. Outside the Royal Guards were stoic and professional. Here in the Canterlot jail they had been supportive but stern about the rules. This mare had a maternal ease about her that made Soul feel safer, even though he'd never a particularly huggy relationship with his own mother. >"My name's Sergeant Roxy Docks." >"I'm gonna take your arts & crafts project downstairs to the workshop in the dungeon now and attach it to a wooden handle. >"Then I'm gonna take it and whup on this great big block of sandstone we've got down there like it was your backside!" Soul whimpered and some of the stress returned. He'd been enjoying the brief respite that the weird guardsmare's merciful affection gave and needed no reminder of his looming doom. >"Don't worry, sweetie. That was just a joke about your tush, okay. You want me to whale on that scratchy old rock...it'll break in the thongs and make them softer, and the abrasive stone will sand away any sharp edges on your braids." Soul didn't know what to say. He tilted his head, not wanting to pull away from her soft chest fluff yet, and looked up at her. >"Thanks...Roxy." The guardsmare cleared her throat >"Ahem...Sergeant Docks." >"Y-yes ma'am!" She rocked the young stallion a bit and told him; >"Oh, we are gonna put your bottom through the fires and brimstone of Tartarus, kiddo, and then the nice warm-up will be over and we'll really get started." *gulp* >"But you're gonna be okay. There's always a doctor right there, and we Guards are trained to make you howl without ever really injuring you. Your cheeks might be as swollen as two ripe tomatoes right next to each other, but those tomatoes won't have a scratch on them. >"And tonight you get to go home and get on with your life." The mare was terrifying yet gently soothing at the same time. >"Are you gonna be the one, Sergeant Docks, who...d-does it?" She shook her head. >"We Sergeants take it in turns and it's not my day today. I'll be working crowd control though, so I'll be there with ya, honey." Soul didn't know why that made him feel better, but it did. >"You don't get to know your spanker's name. He's gonna wear a black hood like an old-timey executioner. >"He's going to look scary, but he's a very nice stallion who's experienced and professional. He'll take good care of you and get you through this." And after Sergeant Docks left with his whip it was just a countdown to the platform. So that is how we got to this point. Your final 'customer' of the day is the high-profile one and he's next. Soulful Sonnet is the reason there's a big crowd today. You doubt he's gonna want to do a newspaper interview after this. The guards from the prison have spent almost a week with the guy so they lead him to the bench. When the terrifying moment comes for him to bend over and assume the position they don't give Soul the chance to freak out or lose his nerve. The instant he arrives at the punishment bench a guard on either side of him scoops him up and plops him down on the flat slab. The others strap him down quickly. The goal here is as little fuss as possible. There's some commotion in the crowd. You expected protesters and counter-protesters, this being such a contentious case. Crowd control guards have already spoken to both sides and gotten promises that they don't plan anything too disruptive. But it's not protesters trying to get your attention, it's a fellow Royal Guard, waving and ordering a path for two ponies, straight to the front. Family members perhaps? As she gets closer you recognize the guard...it's Sergeant Docks. >"I have two ponies here to speak with the prisoner. Is that okay?" Normally it isn't. Prisoners are not supposed to interact with the audience, but ultimately it's the Court Officer's decision. He's officially supervising this on behalf of the court and has a huge amount of authority. If he doesn't like anything about the spanking he can stop it. If he doesn't think the punishment was delivered properly he can order it repeated. That never happens though. The Royal Guards know what the courts want and deliver. >"So can these two have a minute with the prisoner?" The Court Officer considers it; >"Fine, a minute. >"This guy braided himself a pretty good cat-o-nine-tails, >"that shows he's taken his crime seriously and accepted the punishment. >"He's earned some brownie points." Roxy turns to the two unicorns and tells them; >"You have a minute. 60 seconds, he's serious." The blue unicorn stallion nods; >"That's enough" >"Mr. Sonnet?" >"We know it's him, dear...you don't have to ask." >"I'm just being polite." The mare continues; >"Mr. Sonnet, we represent a group of ponies devoted to..." Roxy taps her armored hoof and reminds the wordy mare; >"40 seconds, lady." She speeds up her speech. >"Oh, okay...um, we raise money for rural libraries. We started an endowment a few years ago when our daughter left home and became a librarian in a small town. >"She always complained that there were never enough funds, so we organized an endowment to be awarded to a worthy library project every year." Her husband picks up; >"And, well, the trustees held a vote last night and we decided this year's grant can be used to pay your restitution fines." Horribly depressed Soul perks up at the news; >"R-really?" The money he'd have to pay for damages to the library wasn't Soul's first concern, but the challenge of paying back over 38,000 bits weighed heavy on his mind. It would take him years. Running out of time, the benevolent mare tells him; >"As foolish as your action was your intentions were good, so the group decided this was an appropriate way to help without condoning your act." Fresh tears well up in Soul's eyes. >"Thank you so much. I never expected..." But the stallion stops him as the last few seconds tick away. >"Eh, don't thank us too much. >"It was our daughter who turned down your pardon." Seriously? Princess Sparkle? Before Soul can say anything else, Sergeant Docks politely ushers the couple away. This is a very odd day and it's only getting weirder. Roxy turns to the two unicorns and tells them; >"You have a minute. 60 seconds, he's serious." The blue unicorn stallion nods; >"That's enough" >"Mr. Sonnet?" >"We know it's him, dear...you don't have to ask." >"I'm just being polite." The mare continues; >"Mr. Sonnet, we represent a group of ponies devoted to..." Roxy taps her armored hoof and reminds the wordy mare; >"40 seconds, lady." She speeds up her speech. >"Oh, okay...um, we raise money for rural libraries. A few years ago our daughter left home and became a librarian in a small town. >"She always complained that there were never enough funds, so we organized an endowment to be awarded to a worthy library project every year." Her husband picks up; >"And, well, the trustees held a vote last night and we decided this year's grant can be used to pay your restitution fines." Horribly depressed Soul perks up at the news; >"R-really?" The money he'd have to pay for damages to the library wasn't Soul's first concern, but the challenge of paying back over 38,000 bits weighed heavy on his mind. It would take him years. Running out of time, the benevolent mare tells him; >"As foolish as your action was your intentions were good, so the group decided this was an appropriate way to help without condoning your act." Fresh tears well up in Soul's eyes. >"Thank you so much. I never expected..." But the stallion stops him as the last few seconds tick away. >"Eh, don't thank us too much. >"It was our daughter who turned down your pardon." Seriously? Princess Sparkle? Before Soul can say anything else, Sergeant Docks politely ushers the couple away. This is a very odd day and it's only getting weirder. When the trespassing snoggers and the pie profiteer had their charges read to the public as they walked up onto the platform. Because of the gravity of this punishment, Soulful Sonnet has his charges read now as final preparations are made. >"Hiding and setting an explosive device in a public building. >"Damage to public property." Some in the crowd boo him as these charges are read. There's ponies on both sides of the argument. Many feel he should be completely forgiven, many feel he didn't get a hard enough sentence. It makes no difference to you. It's time for the impartial executioner to do his job. You are in place. The Court Officer gives you a nod; >"On behalf of the Courts and our merciful Princess Celestia, I ask that you administer the punishment, Sergeant." You do not need to reply. The cat does that. *THWAP* The kid inhales in shock, gasping then freezing for a moment as the reality of the pain sets in. It has been described, by unlucky prisoners who've been naughty enough to experience it, as being as painful as a bee sting...times 9, all at once. Multiply that by over 60 lashes and this kid is gonna get 540 bee stings on his behind today. He's only got 537 to go... Soul screams at the second and third one. Not a scream of pain or anguish, but of fear. >Is it really going to be like this? >I can't endure this...I can't do it! But that's the thing about a judicial spanking, kid. It doesn't matter if you think you can take it or not. You're gonna get it. If a wild primate-monkey escaped from its natural habitat and came to civilized Canterlot it would hear, with its small ears rigidly positioned on either side of its round head, one single whapping sound. Evolved for a life of eating fruit and throwing poop, primates lack the acuity of normal, pony ears. Mounted properly on top to avoid sound obstruction by the head, and able to turn in any direction to lock in on sound, pony ears could discern the individual sounds of all nine tails laying hot agony on Sonnet's rump. It was like a crackle, over almost instantly as the flogger drew back the cat-o-nine-tails for the next stroke. In between those strokes there was only the young criminal's anguished moans. The crowd had hushed by the tenth lash. Then, refreshments showed up. If a wild primate-monkey escaped from its natural habitat and came to civilized Canterlot it would hear, with its small ears rigidly positioned on either side of its round head, one single whapping sound. Evolved for a life of eating fruit and throwing poop, primates lack the acuity of normal, pony ears. Mounted properly on top to avoid sound obstruction by the head, and able to turn in any direction to lock in on sound, pony ears could discern the individual sounds of all nine tails laying hot agony upon Sonnet's rump. It was like a crackle, over almost instantly as the flogger drew back the cat-o-nine-tails for the next stroke. In between those strokes there was only the young criminal's anguished moans. The crowd had hushed by the tenth lash. Then, refreshments showed up. The crowd control guards knew about this...it was the main protest planned for today. Dealing with this stuff was part of the job. Wagons, six in total, rolled in from various streets that led into Canterlot Square. All had covers over their cargo, some painted as crude banners; >"Support Soul!" This time, not so many letters. The shorter message fit. They learned. When the covers were whipped off the cargo was exposed. Sandwiches. Hundreds of them, each neatly wrapped in a paper napkin. The protest ponies began to give them out free to the audience. Though ponies dispensing free food was not unusual in Equestria it seemed a strange thing to do as Soul Sonnet lay on his belly just yards away, wailing in agony as he was punished for his crimes, but as ponies always say; >"Look, a horse should always put a gift in the mouth." >"That's 20." You announce the first pause. Because of the severity of the sentence, the beating will be carried out in three blocks of twenty lashes, with a pause for the Doctor to check the prisoner's condition. About this time the sandwich protest begins to make sense to ponies. When they bite in they find only bread and grape jelly. Yeah, grape. Many ponies ask; >"No peanut butter?" Which the ponies giving out sandwiches answer with the same three words; >"It's just jelly." On the platform Soul pleades for the Doctor to end it. >"You can talk, you can breathe normally..." He flashed sunlight into Sonnet's eyes with the mirror on his forehead >"Pupils responsive to light. He can continue." But Soul begged for reprieve >"I can't, Doc, please stop this...I can't take it, I feel like I'm gonna die!" He snorted dismissively >"Well you're not. You're in fine physical shape for this point." He then leaned down to face the convict, looking him right in the eyes. >"And as for letting you off for mercy's sake? Keep dreaming, terrorist. My only job is to protect you from lasting injury, not save you from the punishment you deserve." Alright, that's enough. You don't make a big deal about it, the crowd didn't even see you do it, but you push the Doctor away with the head of the whip. You say nothing, but give him a dirty look. The Doctor may not be a Royal Guard, but the Royal Guards are in charge up here. He needs to keep his personal opinions to himself when he's doing this job. Your disapproval makes him back down. >Good choice, Sawbones. Nothing needs to be said out loud. He gets the point. The Court Officer breaks the tension between you two. >"Alright, let's get on with it." >"no more, no more, no more, please..." Sonnet whimpers as you get ready to continue the job. Poor guy is really in misery after just the first third. These next few minutes aren't gonna be fun for him. >*THWACK* Munching on their sandwiches while they listen to the victim bawl and beg for it to stop, the point of the protest sinks in. >"It's only jelly." Up on the platform a young stallion, still a colt really, who goes to college and still takes his laundry home to his Mom's house, is suffering horribly for a serious crime...he got jelly on some stuff. >"It's just jelly." Of course that's just one perspective on the complicated issue, but the protest made its point. Some counter-protesters use the sandwiches to mock Soul though. >"How ya like your jelly now, Library Bomber?" But mostly it's just getting sad. His whole body covered with sweat by now, face drenched in snot and tears, Sonnet is alternately screaming and gasping in agony. You lay lash after lash on, with about a 5 second gap between blows. Since the beginning you've tried not to hit the same part of his butt twice in a row, but there's a lot of overlap. This kid really doesn't have a very big rump to work with...he's kind of a shrimp. By number 35 it's getting difficult to find any space on his tortured cheeks that isn't bright red and throbbing with pain. Every spot on his rear-end must have taken at least 10 painful whip stings by now, and he's barely past halfway. There is no noise from the crowd now, save an occasional pony asking if there's anymore sandwiches left (they made plenty). Only Soul Sonnet is making noise now, wailing in anguish as the worst experience of his life just gets more painful with every awful *THWHAP* There are hundreds of ponies in the square, but only one is suffering horribly. It seems wrong for the rest to just watch while every bit of the kid's soul screams for mercy from any pony. It doesn't feel like the Pony way. The audience just watches now. None cheer him, none jeer him. The few that still have jelly sandwiches (or have gotten another) look at them with guilty, introspective feelings. Some consider bad things they've done in the past and wonder how much trouble they might have gotten into if luck had made a few bad turns against them like happened to this poor colt. He never imagined things would turn out this badly when he originally planned his jelly-bomb protest. You, the stalwart Royal Guard, continue your unhappy work. >*THWHAP* 43 >*THWHAP* 44 The prisoner just moans with each new stroke now. This has gone on long enough... >"Hold!" Before you can halt it the Doctor does. The pony who called this young stallion a terrorist and said he deserved the punishment put his personal feelings aside and did his professional duty. As the crowd murmurs and your assistants get Soul to drink more water the three ponies in charge have a conference. The poetry student blubbers in misery. >"Please don't start again...no more, no more, pleeeaassee..." You, the Doctor and the Court Officer don't make him wait long for a decision. The prisoner has taken 46 strokes...14 more won't serve justice any better. So the Court Officer makes the official announcement; >"The Equestrian Justice System, advised by the Department of Health representative and the Canterlot Royal Guards, hereby accept the execution of this sentence as complete. Any remaining punishment is commuted." The crowd murmurs, there is palpable relief. Even those who still consider Sonnet a terrorist bomber see no point in continuing this. The masses are satisfied. They are slow to disperse though, as there is an awkward moment after every public punishment when the crowd does not know what to do next. Applauding seems inappropriate, yet there's a palpable urge to acknowledge the shared experience they all had. Few find a way to express that, so most just walk away awkwardly. It's all procedure from here and the assistants handle most of it. All four prisoners are offered the courtesy of a cart back to the jail for out-processing, but only Soul has difficulty walking, so the others pull him in the cart. Witnessing the terrible punishment has made a big impression on them. The two lovers who broke into the Waterworks hug each other close and thank the stars that their shared experience with Equestrian justice was mild. The pie profiteer seems to be genuinely re-considering the path of her life. You, the nameless, hooded executioner, go back to work to type up a short report. _______________ As is custom you have the next flogging day off. It's Roxy's turn to tan some tushies today. As brash and wacky as she is, she's a total pro up on the platform...she'll do a job worthy of the Royal Guard, always does. You decide to visit the Canterlot Library on your day off. Not surprisingly, Soulful Sonnet is there doing volunteer work. That wasn't part of his sentence, but a poetry student can't avoid the library forever, so he dutifully does his penance to work his way back into their good graces. From what you see they're giving him lots of tasks that involve sitting for long periods on hard benches...but he gets plenty of breaks when there's disgusting jobs. >"Soul Sonnet! The garbage in the lobby is full!" >"Some foal puked in the young readers section, get a mop." >"Sonnet! Third floor shitter's clogged again!" The young penitent does it all without complaint. What he isn't allowed to do is polish the jelly stains out of the stonework in the lobby. That takes expensive professional skills. Mason ponies have build scaffolds and painstakingly sand the walls with grit of varying size until the spots are pristine again. If that library supporters' charity hadn't helped the jobless student would be paying for all this. While you watch them work, you feel a pony walk up beside you. The pony on your left side is trying to step lightly but even off duty you're a Royal Guard. He doesn't sneak up on you. >"Good afternoon, Sergeant." You look at him curiously. >"Oh, I know who you are, Sir. " He leans in and whispers; >"The black hood isn't a very good disguise. >"I'd like to thank you for the other day...you know." You nod at the kid to acknowledge >"Nothing to thank me for. I did my duty, it's up to you to benefit from the experience or not." >"And I will, Sir. I promise. >"But still...thanks for how you and all the Guards treated me. It made an awful experience a little bit less awful." You would talk with the young stallion a bit longer, but he gets called away. >"Soul Sonnet! Third floor crapper again! You're gonna need a mop this time." He groans a little, but offers you a polite 'good-day' and hurries away without complaint. That kid will be alright. You think about what the young poet said. Maybe that's a good thing to tell them when ponies ask what kind of work you do. On a pony's worst day imaginable you make an awful experience just a little less awful. END