>"Eris. This needs to stop."
>Eris looked up from watching two ponies build a snowmare out of vanilla pudding
>a purplesmart had appeared
>and several of her friends
>but... not five of them
>"I see where you're coming from, but no, I think I'll keep doing my thing."
>she snaps her talons, and the pudding snowmare comes to life
>and promptly tries to engulf her creators
>Twilight stomps up and knocks Eris's popcorn bucket out of her paws
>it lands top-down, and a crab appears under it to scuttle away
>"I'm not here to fight, Eris. I'm here to bargain. Or bet, as it may be."
>the draconequus blinks, then lays luxuriously over the backs of a couple of stallions sliding by on the soapy ground
>"A bet? Well, you've piqued my interest. What's your game, Twinkle Sprinkle?"
>Twilight opens her mouth, but Rarity speaks up first
>"Well, Eris, we were thinking of what would make you... act out, shall we say. And then it struck me! Poor dear, you've been single for MILLENIA!"
>Eris slithers through the air and puts her talons under Rarity's chin
>"You think that the reason that I, the Mistress of Chaos and Disharmony, am sowing chaos and disharmony is because I can't get my pussies plowed?"
>Rarity squeaks
>before Eris could growl any more in her face, a pink leg wraps itself around her
>suddenly, she finds herself staring into the candy-scented face of Pinkie Pie
>"Sure! I mean, whew, you should've seen me before I found Ponyville's casual hookup life! Seriously, what zero dick does to an mf."
>Eris puts her paw atop Pinkie's head and sets the mare spinning like a top away from her
>the two ponies she had been watching trip over the prone pank ponk
>a hoof made of pudding slaps wetly against the muzzle of one, muffling his screams
>"Okay, so what's your angle? You gonna put on a strap and hope to plow the chaos out of me? Because I will ruin you."
>Twilight shakes her head
>"Nope! As I said, a bet. We bet we can get you to fall in love with a stallion in Ponyville within a year. If we win... well, I don't think we'll even need to win anything, because you'll stop wanting to take over Equestria!"
>Eris snorts
>then bursts out laughing
>physical "HA!"s fly from her mouth and smack Twilight in the snout
>she collapses against another Eris, who also giggles at Twilight's proposition
>once she recovers, the other Eris turns into a coatrack
>"Whew! You sure know how to draw a losing hand! If I win... heh, if I win, you all give up. I won't even take your minds. You'll be lucid as you watch Equestria crumble in my paw."
>Twilight holds out a hoof
>"Undo your chaos kingdom while the bet's on. There needs to be a Ponyville for there to be Ponyville stallions to court."
>a scaly, taloned hand grabs the purple hoof
>"I look forward to your despair."
>she snaps her lion's paw
>aside from a tall, noodly chaos spirit grinning like a cat who caught the mouse, everything looks back to normal
---
>Twilight stares at the thatched-roof house that was definitely not next to her Treebrary a day ago
>it's painted a garish green, and the roof has polka-dots
>the worst part of it is probably the occupant
>in bunny slippers and a long bathrobe featuring cropped drawings of stallions mid-climax, Eris grins at her new neighbor
>"Hi! I'm here to annoy you for the next three hundred and sixty-four days."
>the purple pony can only sigh
>so Eris continues
>"Any luck finding a single, solitary stallion who's willing to even date me, the Queen of Chaos? I know I can be a bit much for their delicate sensibilities."
>Twilight remains silent
>Eris laughs and flicks her horn, which makes a "doiyoiyoing" sound
>then turns back to her door
>which... opens?
>a strange, bipedal creature steps out
>looks around
"This isn't the IHOP bathroom."
>...
>be Anon
>find yourself in a colorful wonderland in front of a small horse and some kind of freak of nature
>either someone had laced your pancakes with the best fucking drugs you've ever had
>or you are, somehow, not in the IHOP bathroom
>and "not in the IHOP bathroom" is a very unfortunate place to be when you want to wash your hands at an IHOP
>maybe the door is broken
>open it again
>ah, sweet, eldritch horrors beyond your comprehension
>and yet, somehow not an IHOP
>turn back to the two creatures
>they're still staring at you
>you must act as ambassador to your species - nay, your world
>and gracefully request assistance in returning to your home
>and your stack of pancakes
>close your eyes
>take a deep breath
>speak plainly yet firmly
"Where the everloving FUCK am I?"
>that oughta do it
>the purple horse furrows her brow
>"You're in Ponyville. Eris, what did you do to that door?"
>"Dunno. Apparently it dispenses monkeys now. Can I keep it?"
"I'm not an 'it.' Also, how do I get back?"
>the small horse - pony? - looks at "Eris"
>the tall, thin beast looks back at the pony, then at you
>"You probably can't. That's how this sort of thing usually goes, y'know?"
>oh god
>you've been isekai'd
>you didn't even get hit by a truck
>unless...
>what if you did
>one of the many mysteries of the IHOP
>the pony is now glaring at the other thing
>"Well, it came through YOUR door, probably because of YOUR chaos, so YOU should take care of it!"
"STILL not an 'it,' you know!"
>Eris grins
>swoops towards and behind you
>puts her mismatched hands on your shoulders
>"What an EXCELLENT point, new mystery! See, I'm evil, so I get to be a twat like that. But my, my, Princess Celestia's own student being so cruel as to call this creature an 'it?' Scandalous!"
"I'm a human."
>Eris leans over you and sticks her tongue out
>long, forked, and... plaid?
>"You're a creature. But fear not! For I am a creature, too. Actually, go ahead and do fear me. I'm gonna take over Equestria in precisely a year, after all. Get ahead of the curve!"
>a purple glow surrounds the tip of Eris's tongue
>and pulls it towards the pony
>Eris doesn't move, revealing meters of green, purple, striped, and all sorts of patterns of tongue
>"Arrrgghhh! Eris, get over here! Stop bothering i- uh..."
>a flash of light leaves the smell of pine trees in the air
>Eris appears behind the pony
>rests her chin on her elbows... on the pony's head
>"Excellent! Back to my regularly-unscheduled bothering you! How many books do you think I can eat before you notice?"
>purple horse is angry
>you're pretty sure you see some of her hair- mane? start to smoke
>"ANYWAY! I think we started off on the wrong hoof, thanks to a CERTAIN DRACONEQUUS."
>Eris whistles innocently
>which is impressive to do while eating a book, you must admit
>the pony takes a deep breath
>"So. My name is Twilight Sparkle, local librarian and the most responsible mare in this conversation."
"Name's Anonymous, or just Anon. And I'm a guy, thank you very much."
>Twilight looks at Eris, catching her in the middle of nibbling on the book's appendix
>it's bleeding profusely
>"What? You call my name more than a stallion in bed. He knows who I am."
>they glare at each other, one angry and the other smug
>your stomach growls
>fuck, you never got to eat your pancakes
>and you may never get to
"Uh, Twilight, Eris? Any idea where I'd get some food? I'm apparently no longer in the same dimension as my brunch."
>the purple glow envelops the entire Eris this time
>and sends her hurtling to the ground next to you
>"Eris, go show him around. You're the one who summoned him, you deal with the consequences. I need to go open the library and plan how to win our bet."
>"Oh? 'Consequences?' Not because you'd trip over yourself trying to talk to the colt selling hayburgers?"
>Twilight's purple hair is definitely going to catch on fire soon
>that can't possibly be healthy
>but then she vanishes in a flash of purple light
>that pony sure is purple
"Are you two... always like that?"
>"Pshh, she's just cranky because I tried to take over the world yesterday and am gonna do it in a year when she fails to make me fall in love or whatever."
>blink
"She... has a crush on you?"
>Eris slaps her paw to her mouth
>then bursts out laughing a moment later
>it's like the phonic version of a slow-mo car crash in light snow
>disastrous
>oddly beautiful
>probably a crime
>teaches you new things about how bodies can bend
>"Hoo... nah, I'll fill you in as we go. Plus, walking around town'll give me a kick out of seeing all the ponies I was playing with yesterday. Or a week ago, depending on how you measure time."
>she pulls herself up to as vertical as her body seems to like and takes a few steps
>she's noticeably taller than you
>or maybe "longer" is a better word
>her talons pinch the bridge of her snout
>then gesture towards the rest of, apparently, Ponyville
>"Uh, gentlecolts first."
>stare at her for a second
>shrug and lead the way
---
>finally reach the end of Eris's "tour"
>in which you wandered, directionless, and Eris would point out what she thought was useful
>this ranged from the expected:
>"That's Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie lives and works. I love it, it's the most chaotic place I've been in years where physics still mostly works. I'm getting you pancakes there."
>"Mayor's office is there. If you told someone to draw the word 'boring,' you'd get that. You'd think they would've appreciated it more being turned into a slip-n-slide during my reign, but nooo..."
>to the unusual:
>"About four ponies run that farm. Thanks to me, about one in every ten trees drops some pears with its apples. You should see the look on their faces, priceless!"
>"Bon Bon's shop is a front for secret business, but she runs it so well that the guard doesn't even bother looking into it."
>to the downright bizarre:
>"Spike can play his tongue like a guitar, so some of the books have water damage from drool flying places."
>"Watch, this is what happens when several ponies' lemonade gets replaced with lemonade-colored hot sauce."
>but now, the two of you have arrived at a cottage way away from the town
>nearby birds are surprisingly unbothered by Eris
>this makes them braver than many ponies
>she knocks on the door
>"Oh, Fluttershy, dear, I've brought you a monkey!"
"I'm not a monkey."
>"You're kind of a monkey."
>nothing happens
>Eris knocks again
>a quiet voice floats through the door
>"I-I'm not here, miss Eris, but you can leave the monkey for a checkup. I hope you haven't hurt the poor thing."
>shrug
>Eris yawns
>thankfully, she's a quiet foghorn
>"I'm heading back, then. If you can't find your way back... you're a decently clean colt, I'm sure a mare would love to keep you company for the night."
>she folds herself into a paper biplane, then flaps away out of sight
>the door eventually opens a crack
>"Is she still there? Did she really leave a monkey?"
>there's nobody at pony-height
>perhaps she's invisible?
>hear some odd squeaking, decide to answer her anyway
"Yeah, she... folded herself up and flew away. Also, still not a monkey."
>the door opens a bit wider
>revealing a yellow pegasus with a pink mane
>you're getting the vocabulary down pretty well after Eris's help
>she looks you up and down
>"No, monkeys have tails. An ape, perhaps. Do you know why... she dropped you here?"
"She did something to a door, and now I'm here and not where I used to be, so Twilight got her to give me a tour."
>look back at Ponyville
>you walked through... most of it, honestly
"Tour's over, I guess, so she left. Er, I can go, too, if you like. You seem kinda nervous."
>"If you don't mind. Thank you for understanding."
>nod and turn around
>take a few steps
>"Wait!"
>it's the quietest shout you ever heard
>turn back around
>"Um, I work with plenty of animals, so if you run into issues with your health or diet, I'm always here to help."
>give her an awkward smile
"I wish folks'd stop calling me an animal, but sure thing, F- uh, Fluttershy, was it?"
>"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry! What should I call you, then? And, yes, I'm Fluttershy."
"I'm a human, so you're sorta right with the ape thing? But even better, my name's Anonymous, or just Anon for short."
>"Okay, Anonymous. Have a good day! Safe travels."
"You too. Seeya."
>make your way back down the trail
>the birds are singing, now
>guess Eris did spook them somewhat
---
>walk all the way back to the library
>the sun is setting
>catch a glimpse of a pony head in the window of the tree
>it vanishes
>a burst of purple later, an equally-purple unicorn stands before you
>Twilight looks at you and around you
>"Anonymous! Where's- wait, let me guess. Eris tried to- to DO something to you, but you managed to escape, and now you're seeking shelter from the one pony you think can resist her tricks?"
>blink
>try to process that fanfic-tier assumption
"No, once we got to Fluttershy's place, she said the tour was over and went home."
>this does not placate the panicked purple pony
>"She left you? Alone? But what if a shady mare tried to lure or force you away?"
"Well, you're all kinda small, so I could probably just leave. Maybe guilt Fluttershy into letting me spend the night, but that's kind of a dick move."
>shake your head to clear it
"Anyway, point is, I'm back safe and sound, and, if I recall, the two of you heavily implied that I'm gonna be staying with her. Or, hell, maybe the front door will lead back to IHOP or something."
>keep walking towards Eris's house
>an invisible force tugs at your arm
>"Just... be careful around her, okay? I don't want her destroying somepon- er, somecreature who doesn't know what he's getting into."
>nod at her
>pull your arm free
>onwards towards Eris
>knock on the door
>it swings open from the bottom
>revealing Eris in a pink bathrobe and curlers in her hair
>glance down
>a hoof in a blue pony slipper, a scaled claw in a white one...
>and pieces of what look like aluminum foil stuck in her tail
>"What is i- oh! Anon! Come on in!"
>duck under the door
>it looks almost normal
>the hallway goes straight out the front door again
>a staircase leads up to the ceiling, but its underside goes to the second floor
>"'ve you had dinner yet?"
"No, and it's not like I have any Equestrian money to pay for it."
>"We'll eat together, then. I was just gonna have some synonym buns by myself, unless you have any suggestions?"
>give her a puzzled look
"Don't you mean cinna- ah, nevermind. Whatcha got?"
>she twists through the air, laying on her back upon nothing with a grin on her face
>"Anon, Anon. I'm not some two-bit charlatan, I'm the gen-u-aiyn Queen of Chaos! We can have anything I want."
>she snaps her paw
>a jellybean appears in front of you
>glance at her
>she smirks and nods for you to try it
>well, from what you know of her
>if she was gonna roofie you, she'd just smack you with a cartoon baseball bat or something
>lean forward and eat the bean
>close your eyes as a grainy sort of warmth blossoms on your tongue
>there's a hint of coolness, a gentle yet impermanent breeze
>the taste of watermelon, of ice cream, of sea salt
>it tastes like sun-warmed grass and flowers smell
>something freeing, as though your worries are put on pause for a month or two
"It... it tastes like summer."
>open your eyes
>Eris is grinning two inches in front of you
>shout and stumble back
>"I know, isn't it great?! So, what'll it be? Might as well make it interesting for your first night here, eh?"
>she frowns and sticks out her forked tongue
>"Just don't be boring, okay? No daisy sandwiches."
>interesting, huh?
>well, for a land of ponies...
"How about cheeseburgers? Er, do you know what those are?"
>"Sure! But you'll have to catch 'em yourself!"
>she hands you a spear
>take it without thinking
>follow her into the kitchen
>she floats over to the counter and starts doing... something
>movement catches your eye
>cheeseburgers scuttle around on four wide-set burger legs
>some with ketchup, some with pickles, some with sesame seeds
"So I just... stab them?"
>"Yep, unless you want to pander to a certain audience."
>jab the spear at a burger
>it barely dodges away
"...what?"
>"Like this!"
>with surprising speed, her tail flicks a cheeseburger up into her hands
>it twists and flails its legs, but she holds tight
>brings it up to her mouth
>and slowly pushes it back
>her first swallow pins the burger's forelegs
>at her second, she closes her jaws
>another gulp, and a squirming bulge appears in her furry neck
>traveling steadily down her long, slender body
>its descent stops, but the burger within still struggles against its prison
>Eris pats her belly a few times and belches
>the noise jolts you out of the strange, entranced focus
>"But, human pred a shit, so yeah go ahead and stab away!"
>stare at her
>she goes back to folding some sort of burrito
>shake your head
>ready your spear
>hit your target
>its legs retract as you bring it up to your hand
>looks like a normal cheeseburger
>pull it off your spear and take a bite
>tastes like a normal cheeseburger
>shrug and try to put that memory of Eris from your mind
>finish eating it
>start looking for another burger
>maybe a slider
>you're not THAT hungry
>Eris turns around with a burrito dripping chocolate syrup
>"Ta-da! A trick pizza!"
>look at her
>look at the burrito
"That's not a pizza."
>she wraps an arm around your shoulders
>pulls your head close against hers
>"That's the trick."
>she bites into her food
>some chocolate splatters onto your face
>before you say anything, she licks it off
>then goes on eating
>unwrap her arm from your shoulders
>spear yourself another burger
>you could probably get used to this
>but it WOULD take some getting used to