>Be zoomer
>Finishing up bench day in the gym with the boys
>Doing the optimum five sets of one, twelve minute rest in-between
"Ayo turn the tunes up"
>The cloudrap on the bluetooth speaker has reached 100 dB
>You unrack the bar
>Back arch: fully engaged, you're essentially doing a bridge
>Let the bar bounce off your ribcage and rack it
>This was a heavy day 
>55lbs total
>"Wow man, 8 hours of chilling on the bench and 20 minutes benching, a new record!"
"Yea cuh. We fucked it up"
>As you make your way to the showers for brojobs your entire body begins glowing white
>"Mike what the hell? You on creatine or somm bruh? Always said stay away from that shit"
>The glowing ramps up, it's so bright you have to close your eyes
>Suddenly, Pop!
>You open your eyes and look around
>You're in a fucking cow pen
"What the hell? This shit is so not bussin.Sheeeeesh."
>You pull out your cellular telephone
"No siggy for my niggy?"
>Looking closer, these cows have been staring at you since you arrived
"Whatchu lookin at cuh? This bussy's for my girl (male) and my girl (male) only"
>"Bussy? Young minotaur, why are you in our field at night?"
>"Methinks this one might be a frisky one, ay, mary-anne? Here for some fun, young one?"
>"Oh, hush, Marabel!"
"Ah shit I been smoking too much of that k2, hallucination cows fucking talking again god damn it."
>"Honey, I can assure you we are real. Here, calm down."
>"Heh, how's this for real?"
>One of the two cows sticks her face into your crotch and huffs like a madwoman
"FUCK THIS I'M OUT"
>Once again you sprint away from your demons. Why must you self sabotage yourself always? Is your self-inflicted punishment deserved, or something you enjoy? You have no answer except, once again, to flee.
>"God damn it Marabel, why do you always have to sexually assault the cute ones? This is why we never score."
>"Haha, that's me! Sexual assault! haha! Rape! Hahahaha! It's what I do! Lol I just can't help it!"
>You hear a drawn out sigh behind you
>Hopping the fence of the cow pen, you stop to catch your breath
>After a few minutes you stand up and examine your surroundings
>You can see a dimly lit town in the distance
>Shit looks straight out of Disney
>Disney, man, shit
>Brings you back to your childhood last year
>You fapped to that Instagram influencer's Disney trip for hours
>Consigning yourself to a walk, you head towards town
>>38984469
>Be time 
>Be two hours later
>Be ZIE
>Just walked the farthest you've ever walked, approx. 2 miles
>Suddenly, a pink blur shoots into your vision
>"Hey, it's me Pinkie pie andnowI'mgonnatalkreallyfastbbecauseIguessnooneknowshowtowritemeandeveryoneflanderizesmyfuckingcharacter! Ooh, are you new? I should throw you a party! A "Welcome to ponyville party"! And a "Green man" party, too! I love being a three dimensional character and I'm really glad that the one party I throw isn't going to be the last time I'm relevant to the plot! Whipee!"
>Before you have a chance to get a word in edgewise she's zipped away
"Wait, was that a fucking pony? Like from that show fat men watch?"
>Suddenly, twilight walks up
>"Hello! what species are you?"
"My name is-"
>"DID I FUCKING ASK? LET ME REPEAT: DID. I. FUCKING. ASK?"
"n-"
>"Hold that thought, I'm getting a magic signal. Hmm something about you being a deadly poison to Equestria that would rot it from it's very core? And something else, about wanting to wrap a story up?"
>Suddenly, twilight turns around and bucks you in the head
>Your skull instantly caves
>And everyone lived happily after the end