Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 27th, 2013 --- Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request. >Anon has implausible luck. >He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences. >e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock. Think you could do anything with this? -------------------------- >Implausible Luck Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can. -------------------------- >Day Fortune in Equestria >Wake up >Shit shower shave >Walk downstairs to get some breakfast >Pour cereal into a bowl >Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out Well damn. That was lucky. >Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck. >Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind >You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger >Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out >Your hair is just the way you like it >Again. >Without any effort on your part. >Open the front door >The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door >Pick it up >Read it >"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'" Oh ok then. >Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits >Stroll out the front door and lock it >Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville >Sigh This... This is what I needed in life. >Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning. >Something catches your eye >Look down >A single bit is lying in the grass >Grin Hello there. >Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it Heh. >Notice another bit a short distance away >Raise an eyebrow and look around >No one else has seen it >Walk over and pick that one up as well >Yet another bit after that one >Follow a trail of bits along the ground >No one has noticed them, just you >Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money >You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway >Wait... >Oh god >Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house >Fluttershy stands over you, smiling >"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!" >Growl at her >"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!" >She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid >A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor >It hisses when it touches the ground >Gulp Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now >"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..." >She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you >You clamp your eyes shut >Just then, a window above you opens >"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!" >"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!" >A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open >Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head >Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating >The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail >The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again >You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you >Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck >Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket >Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy I'll consider this payment for my injuries. >Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency >35 bits >She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself >Today is turning out to be a fine day >You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth >This small victory calls for a cupcake >You head on over to Sugarcube Corner >Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter >Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you >Ha. Bitch, please. >You slam down your bits and grin at her I wanna cupcake. >"Sure thing, Annie!" Don't call me that. >She bounces off to the backroom while you wait >Turn around and look around the shop >Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies. >Soon you shall join their ranks >And all will fall before you >Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns >She hands you a cupcake >It's awe-inspiring >She even put a candle in it >Try and hold back your tears of joy T-thanks, Ponko. >"No problem, Annie!" Don't call me that. >You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store. >Gotta be responsible with money, these days >You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily >Nothing could ruin this day >Not one thing >You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact >Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen. >See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then- >While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor >Damn this bitch hits hard >Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head >You push her off >She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that. >Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again >Now the liquid inside comes in blue! >She screams and charges at you >"YOU WILL TAKE TH-" >She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor >She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning >The needle flies into the air >You watch it with an amused expression >It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first >And lands straight in her shoulder >The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling >Her eyes roll up and she passes out >You look around >Grin Now now, Fluttershy. >You turn away from her Get to the point. >Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you. >The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house >It's a nice silence. >No Fluttershy to annoy you >Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed >You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh >It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep. >Nor does it take you very long to wake up >It's the dead of night >You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling >And your limbs are secured to the bed Oh for fucks sake. >Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips >"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!" >You consider what's about to happen >Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it >Sigh Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it. >She giggles >"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..." >She leans in to kiss you >You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle. > - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY - >You are commander Yeir >Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO. >Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face >"But what if we get attacked, sir?" We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about. >"But, like, what if we do?" I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing. >You turn away and look out of the window of the control room >You're on an asteroid >Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of >The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power. >Just point it at a target and it's gone >And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you >Look at him >He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles >Slap him Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake. >"Sorry, boss." That's 'Commander', whelp. >"Sorry, Commander whelp." >Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message >Turn away from Jim to answer it >While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button >He presses it. >"Whoops." >You hear the entire asteroid shudder >Slowly turn around >Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?! >"W-well we're here to test it, right?" WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?! >"I dunno. Some random dark area of space" >You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light >The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk >By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one >It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation >The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction >It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure >The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet >The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet >It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off >The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half >A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot >There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme >You are Anon >Fluttershy has finished making out with you >It tasted like animal food >You hold back the urge to throw up >"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!" >She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth >Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed >A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings >You undo your other arm then your legs >Get off the bed >Look down at Fluttershy >Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down >Open the front door >Throw her outside >Walk back inside >Get into bed >Stare at the broken window >Wonder what caused it >Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool >You'll sort it out tomorrow >For now though, you need sleep >You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass >A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep Fucking Lady Luck The End